When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships

by David Richo

The popular author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships reveals how past trauma can negatively impact our present-day relationships—and offers guidance on what to do about it.
 
We all have a tendency to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations, and beliefs from childhood or from former relationships onto the people in our daily lives, whether they are our intimate partners, friends, or acquaintances. When the Past Is Present helps us to become more aware of the ways we slip into the past so that we can identify our emotional baggage and take steps to unpack it and put it where it belongs.

Drawing on decades of experience as a psychotherapist, Richo helps readers

• Understand how the wounds of childhood become exposed in adult relationships—and why this is a gift

• Identify and heal the emotional wounds we carry over from the past so that they won’t sabotage present-day relationships

• Recognize how strong attractions and aversions to people in the present can be signals of our own unfinished business

• Use mindfulness to stay in the present moment and cultivate authentic intimacy
 
Full of practical guidance, When the Past is Present will teach you how to free yourself from old wounds and destructive behavioral partners so you can foster healthier, happier relationships.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Spirituality, Buddhism

224 pages, Paperback

First published July 22, 2008

About the author

David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.

He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.

Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.

Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.

Reviews

[Rebekah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Indulging my recent compulsion for self-help books is usually a guilty pleasure, but this one quotes Goethe and Sartre, and incorporates lots of Buddhism, but not in a gross new-agey way. I love it.

[Bridgett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I tend to get overly attached to people and project a lot; this book helped to clear up a lot of my thoughts patterns and behaviors.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book must be an ice-axe to break the seas frozen inside our soul, Kafka said. For me, this book is one of those. Very easily in the top ten books I've ever read, brimming with insight and wisdom.

My only caveat would be that I'm not expert in psychology, so take that for what it's worth - someone more immersed in the field might find the concepts less illuminating than I did. But I would strongly recommend this book to anyone and everyone. It's one to contemplate and reflect on, designed to challenge. Not a slog, though; the writing is clear and enjoyable, in my opinion.

[Clinton · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ok, so I am a little conflicted over this book - has a lot of good in it, Buddhist inspired ideas about dealing with pain, boundaries, acceptance of the givens in life, and good strategies for processing the past so that it does not impact negatively on present relationships, and on what are called the 5 A's of Adult relationships. I am conflicted because of some craziness right at the end about necessity of religion, and a little too much of the collective consciousness that Jung got sucked into. Definitely worth a read though, and the good far outweighs the bad in the book.

[Hilary Whatley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book about transference. If you haven't heard of that term before (I hadn't), it's like a lens we are seeing other people through - colored by our past unresolved experiences. Sort of like projection, but while projection is putting the unwanted aspects of ourselves onto the other person ("they must be jealous!" when we are actually the jealous one), transference is putting our past relationships onto the other person (seeing criticism when there is none, because our parent was critical of us). By becoming aware of when this is happening to us, we can enjoy the natural alchemical process of life without damaging our relationships . Consciousness of our transferences can allow us to have even more authentic interactions with those we love, seeing them for who they really are.

I especially love how he includes many religious references, quotes, etc. in his book, from a variety of faiths. This is beautiful.

Five stars for being both incredibly knowledgeable, and also well written.

(For those of you doing the audiobook version, I hate to report that the narrator is harsh to listen to...needs a pop filter badly!)

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. I don't see any religious overtones to this one, despite other comments. But then I have been involved in therapy or something similar for many years. There is much wisdom in parts of Eastern thought, as well as traditional Western thinking, if you have an open mind.

It is a rather profound book to read if you suffered from bullying and abuse during your childhood, which does happen in the best of homes. It helped me to see how past actions affect what's going on in the present on many levels--often involving actions that have nothing at all to do with the present.

Others have tackled this, and, of course, the most notable example is Dr. Phil himself.

[Dasia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tough read but if you push through you will be rewarded

This was a difficult one to read both because of lengthy phrasing at times as well as because of the work that has to be done. This took much longer for me to read because of how much there truly was to digest and process. I started and restarted chapters again in effort to fully understand what I should be taking from it.
Difficult, but worth it if you can stay the course.

[Melissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think there is some really great information in the first half to 2/3 of the book. However, I felt that the last 1/3 of the book was extraneous. It went on longer than it should have and should have been shorter.

I personally am not a super religious person and there were way too many spiritual/religious "practices" and references for my liking. I would have preferred more practical, useful and logical ways to work on issues versus many different Buddhist spiritual practices.

I liked how psychological terminology was explained in the first part of the book. However as the book went on, it got a bit old and the terminology explanations were a bit more high-level. They seemed more targeted at someone who is a psychology student than a "regular reader." I would have preferred more in-depth case studies and how those people overcame certain issues, so I could use this to my benefit.

[KD · Rating 4 out of 5]

I took a lot of notes from this book and just couldn’t finish the last 20 pages. Took me forever to finish and read. Being able to apply NVC to these projections, beliefs and how we speak to others would help a lot. There is a level of awareness, and presence that we need to practice in order to really be conscious of these transferences. A lot of how we move in this world is bc of transferences on to us and then us unto kids.
It’s a book that will take time to implement and heal from so that we can be present in the moment with others and ourselves.

Using NVC in the way of self empathy and giving grace, compassion and loving-kindness to our heart will help a lot.

[Sintija Buhanovska · Rating 4 out of 5]

Droši vien ir gandrīz neiespējami atklāt ko jaunu šādās grāmatās, un vienīgais iemesls, kāpēc es vispār šo grāmatu sāku lasīt, ir tās vāka noformējums. Aha, ja nu kāds nezināja, tad tiešām uzzinās, ka un kā pagātne ietekmē mūs tagadnē: mūsu domas, rīcību, pieņēmumus, maldus un bailes. Grāmata lasās raiti, un kādreiz jau der arī izlasīt to, ko it kā visi zinām (bet kādreiz arī tīšām vai netīšām aizmirstam).

[lov2laf · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this was an okay read. The concept of transference is really interesting and insightful. Awareness of this occurring is definitely helpful.

For me, personally, I wasn't so taken with the writing style. It feels like it went on much longer than it needed to on some concepts and was also written at a higher level...not in an academic or condescending way but in a way of presenting overall concepts without applying to case studies, bringing in research information, or giving specific examples. When examples were given they were super short before a new section began. There was also a lot of poetry taken from Emily Dickinson and the like inserted in the book supporting various ideas but it didn't resonate with me.

There is a lot of reference to spirituality and a couple of chapters come in at the end to address it. However, it doesn't grab onto any one religion, it pulls from many which I take as a positive. As an Atheist I didn't feel any of that applied to me so I overlooked it.

There are some good nuggets of information in the text, though.

[Brandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book. He took the complex issues of projection and transference and simplified them. I loved how he used myth and religious references that respected all paths that are available to people. He made it very palatable for people of all faiths and didn't over complicate the issue for people who aren't psychology majors! Loved it, and learned so much from it!

[Libby Stott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful, profound, wise, compassionate book! Very helpful. Also, he draws upon the literary tradition in a masterful way and has musical writing.

This is a book I will refer back to as I go through life, especially its insights on transference.

Bravo!

[Jordan Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

Yikes!! I really wanted to leave this book in 2023, and am trying not to dwell on the fact that that it took me so long to get through. Super valuable content that feels applicable to most everyone, but it was just not a page-turner for me personally.

Although it was really hard to be engaged with his writing style, these are a few (paraphrased) nuggets that stuck with me.
- Overall, transference is a redirection of unresolved energy onto a safer subject.
- No relationship is truly between two people, but at least four.
- Our earliest relationships leave a profound impact on us. Our frustrations & disappointments in other relationships as we get older point back to our early ones, because these current friends, partners, etc. have no idea that they are failing to measure up to a past they know nothing about.
- Transference illustrates that “we have an irrepressible longing for love no matter how often we are let down.”
- There are “five A’s” of adult love: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing (of us to be ourselves).
- Acknowledging the legitimacy of our longings is a sign of health, not weakness.
- We all experience disappointments. We most easily become healthier when we process our disappointments in community, not isolation.

[David DLT · Rating 4 out of 5]

Todos tenemos emociones fijadas en nuestra niñez (buenas y malas) que repercuten en nuestro comportamiento a lo largo de la vida. Esto es la llamada Transferencia: "un desplazamiento inconsciente de sentimientos", emociones y otros, del pasado al presente. Son gatillos a los cuales reaccionamos, es nuestro bagage emocional.
Este libro te enseña a reconocer esas emociones, que muchas veces pueden ser "heridas", tristezas, para que no interfieran en tu vida, tus emociones y tus relaciones actuales. Liberarse de equipajes que no queremos y elegir conscientemente el tipo de relaciones interpersonales que queremos.

[Susi Dorigoni · Rating 3 out of 5]

My takeaway :
1. If you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean, that is the right person, is unconscious recognition, that we have found a candidate for transference.
2. From our experience in our family home we form the concept about love.
3. We transference because it’s a urge to return to the past. We want to replicate unfinished business of our childhood.
4. The manner that unconsciously recalls a person from our past, with whom things are still unsettled, explain the immediate attraction or repulsion when we just don’t really understand why.
5. When we find a partner who seems to offer the fulfilment of all that we missed in childhood we jump into his arm.

[Sena · Rating 4 out of 5]

3,5

Psikanalizin en temel kavramlarından biri olan aktarımlar üzerine uzun zamandır okuma yapmak istiyordum. Aydınlatıcı ve kıymetli bir okuma oldu, kendimle alakalı birçok noktada gerekli bazı tespitler yapmama, bakış açımı düzenlememe yardımcı oldu.

Fakat ilerledikçe kendini fazlaca tekrar etti. Bu nedenle başlarda keyifle sayfaları çevirirken gittikçe yavaşlamaya ve sıkılmaya başladım. Son kısımların fazla spiritüel bir perspektiften kaleme alınması da beni rahatsız etti ya da kitap bitmek üzere iken iyice gözüme batmış da olabilir

[Mara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated the Buddhist take on relationships/psychology and thought there was some good background and examples of how/why transference occurs and how being more aware of these factors can turn it from an impediment to a useful tool. Being more self-aware and mindful of our own and others transference interactions will be helpful in navigating communications/interactions and moving beyond real or perceived road blocks.

[Shervin · Rating 3 out of 5]

It covers how past experiences reflect in our current relationships. Why we want to experience our past unconsciously. It is interesting book; sometime may get too dry.

[Kristin Sanden · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thought provoking and very interesting. Reinforced much of what I am exploring through mindfulness. Got repetitive and dry at times though

[Nathalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Contains some insightful and thought-provoking information about transference, but also became painfully repetitive at times.

[Faith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love reading works by David Richo because they are so poetic. One week after reading How to be an Adult in Relationships, I resolved "I am ready to be a girlfriend" and miraculously got a boyfriend immediately. Now, I apply the principles I learned every day. Inspired, I decided to read this one too. Some poignant lines from this book:

"Transference is the redirection of unsolved energy to a safer object."
"Someday we may resent how much of our mental space was taken by that one little person whom we so inflated."
"Intimacy is the momentary liberation from metaphorical comparisons into reality beyond compare."
"In a true you-and-I relationship we are present mindfully, nonintrusively, the way we are present with things in nature. We do not tell a birch it should be more like an elm. We face it with no agenda, only an appreciation that becomes participation."
"We no longer lead from our injuries but from the inviolable and inextricable capacity within us to love and be loved."
"We have all seen the pictures of Jesus with his heart on the outside, his entire inner self open and offered to the viewer. This is a metaphor for spiritual, in-depth relating."
"We take care of ourselves best when we know the limitations of others and act accordingly."
"We recall Saint Augustine's phrase: 'It is solved by walking.'"
"We are stably one as the Moonlight Sonata is one."
"Healthy people are always seeking to be both held and dared."
Quoting Saint Bernard of Clairvaux: "We find rest in those we love, and we provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us."
"We grieve what we missed, we let go of the past, we take full responsibility for our life in the present."
"Instead of trusting in someone as infallibly and permanently there for us, we can begin to trust in moments of trustworthiness with a variety of people. We do not stop trusting; that would make us less human, less warmly connected to others. We seek not perfect but closer and closer approximations of togetherness."
Oscar Wilde: "It takes courage to see the world in all its tainted glory and still to love it--and even more courage to see it in the one you love."
"We have the Oxford English Dictionary, but it cannot give us even one primal scream, only words and words."
"There are no white knuckles, only warm hands that hold each other in the light and in the dark."
Quoting Paul Tillich: "Sometimes it happens that we receive the power to say yes to ourselves, that peace enters into us and makes us whole, that self-hate and self-contempt disappear, and that our self is reunited with itself. Then we can say that grace has come upon us."
"The basis of human hope lies in the fact that the psyche never gives up on us. Something in us wants to restore ourselves to wholeness, so we are endowed with an urge for it. Deep in our collective unconscious is an organismic integrity that the object relations theorist Margaret Mahler calls an 'innate given, a thrust toward individuation which seems to continue during the entire life cycle.' In other words, we are geared to articulate in our life time more and more of our wholeness."

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Transference replicates the experience and feelings of earlier relationships on to new individuals in our lives who somehow mirror a former attachment figure, usually a parent but could also be someone like a former romantic partner “seen” in a new partner. Transference is both a bad and a good thing: negative transference can create distressing, confrontational patterns of blocked intimacy. When awareness of transference is present, the transference itself provides data and analysis to actually provide the chance to deepen self-growth, self-kindness, and stronger relationships where real intimacy (“into you I see”) lives and loves. Richo delves deeply into what transference is and how we can become self-aware of it and use it to fuel our relational growth. Richo covers a lot of psychological ground: somatic experiences of pain, understanding of transference, grief work, Buddhist acceptance and non-attachment, mindfulness, and loving kindness are all logically linked together in the quest to harness the power of transference as a data source holding the key to more equal and intimate relationships. When we can utilize the skills Richo offers to be more in tune with ourselves and stand in our own right, without projecting as much onto others of our strength and experience, we enrich our ability to live an authentic and connected lives both with ourselves and others. This book is both good for individual work and could also be used for couples to discuss and understand how they transfer earlier experiences onto one another and how they can truly see one another and relate to one another more authentically.

*** For more resources on relationships including other book reviews, please see my website www.thecouplessyllabus.com ***

[Katja Vartiainen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is really good. One needs to take time to read it. Richo's style is mostly very minimalist. One sentence holds at times a lot. I was in a skeptical phase of spirituality, that is the second thread in this book. Lots of things get put under it, like the 1990's new age. Lot of it is unhealthy, and takes your sovereignty away, pretending to do otherwise. My only suggestion for this book would be to define what he means by spirituality in the beginning. In the almost end it reads: 'Psychological work is about making the ego healthy.This means being free enough of fear and confusion that we can achieve our personal goals, live with equanimity in the face of stress, be free of compulsions, and love effectively. Spiritual practice concentrated´s on letting go of self-centeredness in favor of universal compassion.' This is all very clear, but of, course the book is about transference, and that's all ego business, and it all starts from there. The book makes you mirror your own life, and situations. We all transfer, we all our objects of transference. It helps to really SEE this. There's easy practices to do as well. For your relationships, getting through life, I recommend.

[Richard Carilo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Started reading this in 2017 for... reasons; finally finished it in 2023.

"Romeo's 'I want you' was total. For us, it may be fraught with ambivalence. 'I want you and I am afraid.' That fear may read out as 'Don't get too close and don't try to make me stay.' On the other hand, fearless enthusiasm for becoming more conscious may sound this way: 'My hesitancy about letting you get close to me helps me notice where my work is, and I intend to do it by confronting my fear.' The sign of a healthy relationship is one in which the ambivalence is recognized and does not cause alarm or escape. It is noticed, admitted, and worked with."

By that point in 2017 I was already knee deep in the work whether fully concious of it or not... and that random timing meant everything for the months ahead.

"It is especially hard to let go when we don't quite know what we were holding on to begin with."

Critical Score: 3.5
Personal Score: 3
Total Score: 6.5

[Fearless · Rating 4 out of 5]

Benim bakis acima gore aynalama, yansitma ve kavrayış becerilerini ogrenmek ve gelistirmek icin mukemmel bir kitap. Bazen akliniza gelir ya bir durumda ; buna neden öfkelendiğiniz, kizdiginiz ya da neden sevindiğinizi bilmediginiz durumlar bunlarin nelerden kaynaklanmis olabilecegini cozmeniz ve kendinizi ozgur birakmaniz icin bir rehber niteliginde.

Uygulamalar olmasina ragmen bana su cok yalnis geldi; uygulamalardaki seyleri yapabilseler zaten bu durum icerisinde olmayacaklardi. O cesareti kazanmak icin kucuk baslangiclar biraz yapabilirim diye dusunmek lazim ama bu tur kitaplarda hep eksik buldugum sey su; aslinda elestirel bir ailemiz olsun olmasin basarmak ya da ogrenmek neden insanları korkutur? Bu soruya cevap bulamadigimdan 4 yildiz veriyorum.

Ama kitapta iliskilerle ilgili bir ornekleme var Roth ve Tess uzerinden. Ben orada ve birkac yerde kendimle ilgili kesiflerde bulundum. Tesekkur ediyorum.

[Pınar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Öncelikle Türkçe çevirisi 283 sayfaydı orjinali gibi 224 değil. :) Aktarım denen kavramı, önemli olumlu/olumsuz etkilerini ve farkında olduğumuzda bu etkilerini yararımıza olacak şekle getirebildiğimizi öğrenmek hoşuma gitti. Uygulayabilmek kısmını da deneyerek görmeye çalışacağım.. Anda kalabilmek, gerçeklerden kopmamak, rahatsız hissettiğimiz konular için tanıyı koymak, çözümünü araştırmak (çabası içine girmek), çözmek ve bütünleştirmek gibi konular en çok aklımda kalanlar oldu.. Bir de gerçek sevginin 5 unsuru: dikkate alınma, kabul görme, takdir edilme, şefkat görme ve olduğumuz gibi olmamıza izin verilmesi.. Okuma akıcılığı kitabın son çeyreğine kadar daha iyi olmakla birlikte, sonlara doğru terimlerin artmasıyla aynı cümleyi 2-3 kere okuduğum anlar oldu diyebilirim. Yine de tavsiye ederim.

[Dominik Witczak · Rating 1 out of 5]

A major disappointment

I’ve picked this book because of the great reviews it apparently received. Sadly, it turned out to be completely opposite of what I had expected the book to be.

Think of the book as of a mish-mash built of numerous religious references, quotations of various philosophers, mindfulness tips, reminiscences from author’s life and some scarce psychological pudding. That is *not* what I had been anticipating - I was looking for professional content, explained in layman’s terms; perhaps some coach stories. What I got was quite the contrary.

[Bret Legg · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book focuses on how our past experiences find their way into our present interpretations and experiences. As a counselor, I appreciated the way the author painstakingly pointed this out. Personally, I felt that the effort was over done and redundant at times. I also felt that the touch on the metaphysical was good, but also overdone. But having said that, the premise of the book was spot on. I found the basic points of this book to be helpful

[Lynn Zhang · Rating 1 out of 5]

If I could give this book a negative one star I would. The earlier chapters are just okay (although I’m not a fan of psychoanalysis). Then the last two chapters are full of spiritual bullshit, questionable quotes, and pseudoscience such as astrology. The emphasis on religion is too much and unnecessary. I had expected this book to be science and evidence based, but it’s not, which is very disappointing and makes it a total waste of time