How Good Do We Have to Be?

by Harold S. Kushner

Brilliant, powerful wisdom that offers a life affirming message of home and healing. It draws the profound out of the simple in a wy that will change people's lives. The book shows us how to love and forgive ourselves as well as others. A joy to read and a comfort to experience.

Genres: Nonfiction, Religion, Self Help, Judaism, Psychology, Spirituality, Jewish

Hardcover

First published January 1, 1996

About the author

Harold S. Kushner is rabbi laureate of Temple Israel in the Boston suburb of Natick, Massachusetts. A native of Brooklyn, New York, he is the author of more than a dozen books on coping with life’s challenges, including, most recently, the best-selling Conquering Fear and Overcoming Life’s Disappointments.

Reviews

[Poetreehugger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has done me good. As soon as I finished the last page I wanted to begin it again.
A redefinition of the creation story, and a re-envisioning of the meaning behind the concept of Original Sin, the author's reinterpretation frees one to let go of the unattainable aim for perfection, forgive and accept imperfection in ourselves and each other, and realize that "...God loves us in our aspiring and in our stumbling." Regarding Original Sin, he says, "the Original Sin that affects virtually every one of us and leads to other, worse sins is the belief that there is not enough love to go around..." Knowing that we do not need to try to earn God's love by being perfect allows us to identify with those around us and treat them equally and fairly.
I think that the reason this resonates so well with me is that as a mother I know what unconditional love for my children feels like, and the notion that this is a small example of God's love sounds to me like a fitting definition of the God who is Love.
"To be whole before God means to stand before Him with all of our faults as well as all of our virtues, and to hear the message of our acceptability."

[Thomas Edmund · Rating 3 out of 5]

Objectively reviewing a book is hard at the best of times. Typically one finds it hard to tone back scathe, or worship. Oddly I've found one harder in How Good to We Have to Be?

Let me explain.

I agree with the basic thesis of this piece - high standards are OK, but don't forget we are fallible imperfect humans who should forgive ourselves and each other.

My problem is where this comes from. Its driving philosophy directly from the Bible is controversial than interpreting the Bible metaphorically is surely more dire. After all while Kushner believes the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is symbolic of understanding our own imminent mortality (amongst other things,) there are surely infinite analogies to be made.

Kushner relies on personal stories, literature, and psychotherapy to back up his point. Not the worst makings of a non-fiction piece, however Kushner is trying to argue here 'how good we have to be' - to put my criticism bluntly: What if he's wrong?

Perhaps I'm being mildly unfair, I suspect it is in fact impossible to truly answer such a question spiritually, only logically.

Anyways, babbles aside. This is short in stature, surprising in its tolerance, treatise on religious morality, and while things get a little weird towards the end when Kushner discussing familial relationships, his philosophy is agreeable if only essentially his opinion on the matter.

[NoScreenName · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was given this book and finally got around to reading it. Harold Kushner served as a congregational rabbi for over 30 years and fell into writing after suffering the loss of his son (inspiring his first book). This book explores how simple principles such as good and evil can pervade our culture, our lives and affect us. It's up to us to decide if the outcome is positive or negative. He starts out referencing the Garden of Eden/Adam and Eve story. Eve ate the apple, God punished them both: man would worry about work and providing for himself and his family; women would suffer incredible pain during childbirth and know the pain of romantic love and uncertainties that accompany romantic longing. Sounds great! Kushner's position her is this: Eve did mankind a favor if this is how it went down; she inadvertently created that which is unique to being human. Kushner believes that the human condition is fraught with complexities and sometimes suffering but that this is worth it as it is part of living a rich, full life.

While I was raised Catholic I don't practice anymore yet still found this interesting. Didactic religious rumblings make me tune out but this book has none of that. Instead of proselytizing, his tone is conversational, friendly, humble, sympathetic and mostly importantly it's hopeful. His optimism and straightforward approach reflects how many rabbis impart information (to their congregants but also to curious people outside their community). There is no gloating, no drawing the line at excluding others outside of his faith and that, to me is the sign of a highly developed intellect.

His approach is intellectual and he weaves personal anecdotes, quotes from the psychologist Gottlieb, Immanuel Kant, John Steinbeck, St. Augustine, the Talmud and others. In other words it's a very interesting read. My favorite parts of the book were the words he shares with some congregants seeking his counsel (part of a rabbi's job) and he picks examples of common issues to hold up as examples to readers perhaps experiencing the same issues.

This book could be appreciated by anyone regardless of their religion. He shares his thoughts and observations on long term estrangement/feuds within families and how the quest for perfection alienates us from ourselves, our families and from God. This quest for perfection also takes away the joy we were all meant to have. So many wonderful passages and quotes on this topic. A large section was also dedicated to the complicated relationships between parents and children (particularly as they get older) and also the emotionally charged relationships between siblings (and how often the latter is overlooked and unappreciated when considering what forms our personalities).

Forgiveness of ourselves for making mistakes is essential; God forgives us, he says, why can't we do the same? We also need to forgive those who hurt us (for our health and joy more than anything). This doesn't mean accept repeated poor behavior; just forgive and let go. All of this has been heard in some form or another of course but the anecdotes and texts he uses in the book to illustrate this make this come to life. Kushner thinks too many choose 'righteousness' over happiness. He notes (as someone who has seen literally every family dynamic and drama play out over the course of his tenure as a rabbi) many of us are still reluctant to forgive. "We nurture grievances because that makes us feel morally superior. Withholding forgiveness gives us a sense of power, often power over someone who otherwise leaves us feeling powerless. The only power we have over them is the power to remain angry at them." We all can relate to that passage on some level. Very potent stuff.

And according to sages of the Talmud they say the normal span of a quarrel is two or three days (if someone offends or upsets you you're entitled to be mad for that long; this is routine arguments, not major stuff) According them if our bitter feelings extend into a fourth day it is simply because we are *choosing* to hold on to them, we're nursing the grievance- almost using it like a crutch. Kushner expounds on this satisfaction some seem to take in clinging to grievances or playing the 'victim' role but said it was bad for two reasons. 1) it estranges you from someone you could be close to( and if it becomes a habit, estranges you from people you *could* have become close to) and 2)Makes you see yourself as a victim. His opinion? A shallow sense of moral superiority not worth seeing yourself in that way.

A quick read and something I would lend to a friend.

[Eli · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is somewhat of a classic statement on what humanistic religion and wisdom thinks about God's righteous standards. Harold Kushner asks the all-important question and answers for the unregenerate world.

Actually, Kushner spends most of the book not answering the question the title of his book poses, but rather fills the pages telling us how good we don't have to be. According to Kushner, we don't have to be perfect, and contrary to the voice of our conscience God doesn't require perfection from us. Kushner gives no Scriptural justification for this. One is struck with the impression that throughout the book Kushner is merely giving us his own ideas while trying to give the appearance that he is getting such ideas out of the Bible. But in reality he does violence to the Scripture and attempts no real exegesis.

Kushner finally gives an extremely vague answer about how good we have to be - so vague it is almost impossible to relate. Was it that our good deeds must outweigh our bad? Or was it that we must only try to be good? It's hard to say. His answer is unclear, but this is basically the gist of what he points us to: God doesn't require perfection, He just requires you to do the best you can. But how do you know when you've done your best? Who knows.

Such an answer does three things: 1) it violates the teaching of Scripture, 2) it leaves people in inevitable uncertainty about the state of their soul, and 3) it keeps the door open for hypocritical and vain self-righteousness.

I strongly reject the conclusions of this book and encourage those who read this to find out from the Bible itself what God has to say about how good we have to be. Don't be deceived by false teachers who tell you that God requires less than perfection. According to the law of God moral perfection is indeed required (Deut. 4:1-2, 6:4, 25, 18:13, 29:29). Even though none of us is morally perfect, this is only because each one of us is inexcusably evil. Yet the greatest news in the Bible is that Almighty God loves us sinners and atoned for our sins through the death of the Messiah and His Son, Yeshua. By putting our trust in His atonement we are forgiven and our sins will not condemn us. Only this honors the perfect law of God and shows us the amazing love and mercy of God. God does not compromise His justice, but satisfies it by the cross, which enables Him to justly forgive and justify sinners. This is the truth about God's judgment, and I urge everyone to believe it before it is too late.

Contrary to what Kushner says, we have to be morally perfect in order to be acceptable to God. This is precisely why we need salvation through the holy sacrifice of Yeshua the Messiah.

[Leandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! Loved this book. The author gives a new perspective of the Adam/Eve story and origin of sin. It is SO new and beautifully illustrated of this new awareness, it makes me look at things differently.

He devotes a whole chapter to the parent/child relationship that really delves into the joys and pitfalls that if you are a parent (young or old) - commit to at least reading this chapter.

I loved this book and I will end up reading it again including all the stories and philosopher's he quotes.

[Marsha Nuckels · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very thought provoking book, but very encouraging book at the same time. I really enjoyed reading this book.

[Sarah Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book's gentle message is that imperfection, rather than excluding us from God's love, actually set us apart from the rest of creation and make us whole. He does this through alternative readings of traditional scripture accounts of the Fall from Paradise and the turn of Cain against his brother Abel. Rabbi Kushner shares the riches of his ministry in the Jewish community, but appeals to broad audiences by offering anecdotes and Biblical interpretations that are accessible to anyone familiar with Judeo-Christian culture. He even references secular thinkers like Freud and Darwin to show how his faith-based worldview can be applied for more rational thinkers.

In his effort to connect with the daily experiences of average readers, I found that many of Rabbi Kushner's anecdotes emphasized standard gender roles quite strongly. While this style of writing was probably relatable for many readers, it was a little alienating for me as a childless professional woman. Still, the overall tone of the book was warm and considerate, far from judgemental.

Many of the insights Rabbi Kushner shared were soothing to this recovering perfectionist's heart: I was particularly struck by his idea that the changes that befall Adam and Eve as they leave Eden (the labors of work and childbearing/rearing) are not curses or punishments from a cruel God, but actually the antidotes to the discovery of human mortality - creating someone or something to carry on your legacy and preserve a manifestation of your love. This is the sort of theology I've been trying to embrace lately, the kind that helps me heal my image of a God who lays traps for me and is never satisfied with my inability to dodge them all.

This book gave me some good food for thought, but ultimately my inquiring and melancholic mind longed for deeper grappling. It could be, too, that my spirituality is so formed by Catholicism that stopping short of a full redemption where grace transforms human suffering and death will always feel incomplete. I'd still reccomend this in a heartbeat to less academically inclined folks, though, because it presents the paradox of approaching ourselves and others with mercy instead of shame while still maintaining high standards in a simple way. I wholeheartedly agree with Rabbi Kushner that being human dignifies us enough that we can expect goodness and integrity, if not perfection, from ourselves.

[Margaret Klein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recently, Rabbi Harold Kushner died. He was one of my teachers--both in print and in person. He was warm, collegial and smart. He was a masterful storyteller. And he changed my thinking about G-d with his breezy, personal style. This book has long been a favorite of mine. Of any book. And I find I need to reread it almost annually. It addresses the question, as the tile suggests, How Good Do We Have to Be? or as I often get the title wrong, How Good is Good Enough? He makes the case that no one is perfect--and G-d isn't looking for us to be perfect. Rather, in each of our relationships we are going to make mistakes, and STILL there is enough love to go around. We don't have to keep proving ourselves over and over again. What G-d wants is not for us to be perfect. Rather, G-d wants us to be whole.

[Roberta · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is mostly a rehash of the ideas presented in "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", with many references to literature and modern culture, including jokes inserted parenthetically. The chapters would probably be good speeches, but I didn't enjoy Kushner's style in this book. I enjoyed his original book much more.

[Adam · Rating 1 out of 5]

I've never read a more heretical, poorly constructed, poorly thought-out book. Ever.

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is at least the third of Rabbi Harold Kushner's books that our Sunday school class has read. Kushner's books are easy to read and present interesting perspectives on scripture. This book reexamines the biblical story of Adam and Eve. Though I don't always agree with Kushner's interpretations, I do find them thought-provoking. His overall message is positive. How good do we have to be? According to Kushner, we don't have to perfect, as long as we keep trying to be and do good.

[Sandra Sikora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can't say enough about any book by Harold Kushner! This one is particularly good. Kushner has a unique way of explaining complex issues of life using both biblical references and real life experiences. I have read all of his books multiple times.

[Georgina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most powerful book I have ever read. Must read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jamey · Rating 2 out of 5]

Every cliche in the myth of human supremacy is here. A lazy book, a shallow book, a thoughtless mess of received opinion and complacent cheezie Cheez-Whiz. Entirely ignorant of the animal world, it pronounces our species superior on every page — upon no authority but a trite egotism. Yuck, sorry.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

This isn’t Kushner’s best work, but continues on a theme on which he has focused much of his writing—developing aspects of compassion to soften the hard edges of life. In this book he traces much of human feelings of guilt and blame to what he believes is a misinterpretation of the biblical Adam and Eve story. The conventional view is that Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating forbidden fruit, for which they and all mankind have been and will be punished forever by the human sufferings of work and death. Kushner tells us that this was not the original sin, that the fruit is simply a metaphor for the freedoms of choice, consciousness, and morality. Work, childbirth, and death are not punishments but struggles from which we grow and derive a meaning from life, and which separates us from other non-sentient animals. From this framework he tells us how to recognize these false beliefs and how to escape the consequential feelings and thought patterns that diminish our self-worth and lead us to diminish the worth of others. My two favorite lines from the book are these:

“When we do something wrong, because we are human and our choices are so complicated and temptations so strong, we don’t lose our humanity. But we lose our integrity, our sense of wholeness, of being the same person all the time. We lose the focus, the singleness of purpose, that enables us to do the things that matter to us. Being human can never mean being perfect, but it should always mean struggling to be as good as we can and never letting our failures be a reason for giving up the struggle.”

“We are more whole when we are incomplete, when we are missing something. The man who has everything is in some ways a poor man. …To be whole means to rise beyond the need to pretend that we are perfect, to rise above the fear that we will be rejected for not being perfect. And it means having the integrity not to let the inevitable moments of weakness and selfishness become permanent parts of our character. Know what is good and what is evil, and when you do wrong, realize that that was not the essential you.”

[Ιωάννης Πλεξίδας · Rating 5 out of 5]

Το βιβλίο του Harold Kushner είναι ένας οδηγός ζωής. Η ανάγνωση του συγκεκριμένου βιβλίου δεν μπορεί παρά να έχει λυτρωτική επίδραση στον αναγνώστη. Το μήνυμα του βιβλίου είναι απλό και συγχρόνως ριζοσπαστικό: όπως ο Θεός δεν παύει να μας αγαπάει κάθε φορά που κάνουμε κάποιο λάθος, λέει ο συγγραφέας, έτσι και εμείς δεν πρέπει να παύουμε να αγαπάμε τον εαυτό μας και τους άλλους, επειδή δεν είναι τέλειοι. Η αίσθηση αυτοεκτίμησής μας, οι σχέσεις μας με τους γονείς μας, τα παιδιά, τους συντρόφους μας τα αδέρφια μας και τους φίλους μας θα βελτιωθούν μόλις πάρουμε το μάθημα ότι ένα λάθος δεν χρειάζεται να οδηγεί στην απόρριψη. Αναφέρει χαρακτηριστικά: «Αν δεν αφήσουμε τους ατελείς ανθρώπους να μπουν στις ζωές μας, θα είμαστε πολύ μόνοι, γιατί αυτοί είναι το μόνο είδος ανθρώπων που θα βρούμε. Ο Θεός θα ήταν μόνος, αν μπορούσε να αγαπάει μόνο τους τέλειους ανθρώπους και το ίδιο θα είμαστε και εμείς».
Κατακτώντας την ευτυχία, εκδόσεις λογεῖον

[Alexis Dosal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am enough. Despite my imperfections, despite my faults and failures. That’s what makes me human. And being human is not a punishment for the Original Sin committed by Adam and Eve, but rather a blessing that allows us to feel things that only we as humans can feel. This book was lended to me by my therapist to allow me insight into why it’s ok to not be perfect. While this isn’t going to cure my perfectionistic tendencies, it opened my eyes to the idea that just because I’m not perfect or I don’t make the perfect decision does not condemn me to being unloved or any less than those around me.

[Pat aka Tygyr · Rating 4 out of 5]

This short book packed a lot into it. The author is a Rabbi and frequently quotes scripture as the book covers the messiness of life. Sibling rivalry, dating, marriage, etc. And always the question - How Good Do We Have to Be? My husband and I read and discussed this with a small Catholic faith based book club. We spent months reading the book in small chunks, discussing, telling our own stories, and reflecting on the book. Our group agreed this was very thought provoking and made us rethink many of our old ways of perceiving things. We were glad we read it.

[John Hannam · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are moments when we are hurt, or have hurt others. We wonder what the path forward is? How do we atone for the hurt we have caused? How can we forgive someone who has hurt us? This book brings to light important issues of guilt, shame, and forgiveness. Kushner's insights are for married couples, parent, siblings - relationships.

This book is filled with the wisdom of someone who understands what that path forward looks like.

None of us are perfect - we weren't meant to be. That is our beauty and saving grace.

[Marcus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rabbi Kushner is very good at distilling years of experience into short, readable books. After reading some other reviews on this site regarding whether his "take" on the subject of this book is theologically accurate... I have come to realize that I would rather have a person's honest opinion on big questions like this... rather than some answer that "lines up" in all the proper ways. It reminded me of the kindness shown to the reader in the Ragamuffin Gospel... and that's a good thing.

[Bartholomew Timm · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite philosophical books. Although he certainly discusses the role of God and religion in our lives, it is largely a discussion of a healthy approach to life. This is a great book for married couples, for parents, for young people, for old people, for those who are successful and those who are struggling. In short, whatever stage of life you are in, there is some wisdom in here for you.

[Jules]

I thought this book might help in my personal quest to be a "good person". I have been juggling with the philosophical dilemma for quite some time of how to become a truly good person (aka Buddha) reconciled with the fact that we all have our weaknesses (ie: selfishness, vanity etc.). I liked "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", so we'll see...

[Kevin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to like this - the Adam & Eve story was interesting. And I figured if I went in with an expectation of some trite "self-help" moments I would be okay. Unfortunately, the clearly priviliged perspective and often superficial ideas just made me wonder why I would ever take advice from someone who advised a congregant to simply donate money to solve her small moral dilemma. No thanks.

[Ιωάννης Πλεξίδας · Rating 5 out of 5]

Κρίμα που δεν μπορώ να βάλω μεγαλύτερη βαθμολογία

[Jonathan A. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Note: this is more of a reflection based on the book than a review

“What will happen when I disappoint you?”
This is not the kind of question that we expect or anticipate especially when considering relationships of one kind or another. Yet disappointment is something that we can say with certainty that we are going to experience and that we are going to cause. We are going to be disappointed by people and we are going to disappoint people. This is a part of life. Because this is a reality of life and especially of relationships, it may be a smart thing to ask what will happen when you mess up, when you fail to arrive in time, when you say the wrong thing, when you make someone angry, and when you disappoint someone. Will you yell at me, will you be passive aggressive and make me guess what it was that I did that was wrong? Will you hold it over me for months and years? Will you say you forgive me but never truly do so? What happens when I disappoint you?
And perhaps this is a question that we should ask of ourselves as well. How will we cope and wrestle with those times that we know we have disappointed ourselves, when we know that we could have done better? How do we handle the moments when we know that we are not our best? Will we be quick to forgive ourselves or will we hold onto an anger and resentment because we know that we could have done better? Perhaps you push yourself with your studies, with your exercise routine, with your time management because you cannot hold onto the idea or the possibility that you may do something that is not perfect or wonderful and you will be disappointed.
Disappointment is a part of life. From great loss in relationships and jobs to the small loss over food not tasting as good as one hoped, we all encounter disappointment in one way or another.
I think it is good to consider the pain of disappointment especially around the idea of sin. We can often think of sin as doing something that is wrong, transgressing a law, or breaking a commandment and there may be a decent amount of truth to such an idea. Yet wrapped up in such a notion is the experience of disappointment. Something gets in the way of your relationship with God and there is going to be disappointment. Something you do breaks your relationship with others and there is going to be disappointment. There will be judgement, yes, but also disappointment.
Consider this with the notion of original sin. In the some of the more orthodox circles of Christianity the notion of original sin suggests that you are born with a mark, a debt of sorts that has been passed on from Adam and you need to figure out how to reconcile that debt. It means that you are born already a disappointment. This is a notion of existence, that one is born already a disappointment, is something that I am sure will seep into one’s consciousness and sense of self.
A more theologically progressive view of original sin would move away from the idea of being marked or of born owing something that we can never pay off. Instead, some would suggest that rather than being born with original sin, you are born with original freedom. Original freedom gives one the space where they can choose to do right or wrong. You have the capacity to choose how to live, a freedom that was passed on from Adam and Eve to us. Just remember that Adam and Eve, in their many choices, chose to eat the fruit, and thus embraced the reality of disappointment in choosing to do something that God warned against. But this does not mean that we are born with the proclivity to only make bad choices, it just means that in our freedom we have the ability to choose ill or good (this is a theological concept described as concupiscence). This means that we may be a disappointment, but we may also bring joy in the way we live our lives.
The prolific Jewish author, Harold S. Kushner, in his book, "How Good Do We Have to Be?" suggests that original sin is living with the idea that there is not enough love to go around. Original sin, for Kushner, is living with the idea that there is a limited supply of love, that there is not an unending amount of love to find and experience. To live with this belief that love is in limited supply, compounds a brokenness that infuses relationships. For example, if you believe that there is a limited amount of love, then you are going to compete with your siblings for the love of that parent because there is not enough love for you and your siblings to share. It means that you need to be jealous of your spouse or partner’s other relationships because with every other person that the individual engages with, there is less love for you. Kushner looks at the conflict and disagreement between Cain and Able as not only the first moment of a deep and transgressing sin in the scriptures, but as a moment where we see one buying into the idea of that there is a scarcity of love. Cain believed that God had only so much love to share and that Able received the majority of it. Hence the anger and the murder and the jealousy over love not received and desire to have as much love as possible.
What Kushner is suggesting speaks to a pervasive challenge with our society. A competition over a scarcity of resources that affirm an individual. I am led to think also of Walter Brueggemann’s description of a societal worldview of scarcity in his work Prophetic Imagination. It is the idea that there is a limited, a finite amount of resources which leads us to live in such a way that we need to protect and save what we have and covet what we do not have. Again, I don’t know if I would describe this as an original sin, but it certainly is a sin that is a deep part of society. Fear of immigration, rise of nationalism, and other trends in our culture all come from this worldview that embraces a notion of scarcity.
Let us take this idea back to relationships. Take this back to the reality that you can disappoint someone to a point where things are painful and hurtful. We are going to disappoint each other, that is a reality of life. I actually work to make sure that there will be a section or more of my writings that will be less then stellar so that you can just get the disappointment over with. We are going to fail, to not be able to mind-read, we will misunderstand, or we will not have the energy to care in the way that we perhaps should, and we are going to disappoint each other. But, when you believe that there is only so much love to go around, when you believe that there is a scarcity of love, especially with the person that is disappointing you, the hurt is that much deeper. The hurt is deeper because with this worldview, there is no way out of the loss, because the love that was neglected is gone and can never be retrieved.
Stay with this idea of a scarcity of love. If someone disappoints you, lets you down, then you are losing some of the love that you may have to offer, you are losing some of the love in that relationship. The pain will have a cost. The hurt will be at a cost. And if you hold to a sense of a scarcity of love, then the cost cannot be regained. The results may be a deeper sense of caution, a deeper sense that one cannot move with ease in the relationship. We realize that we need to be careful. In the relationship we need to be as perfect as we possibly can be so that we will not lose any of the love that is available; there is only so much love to go around. When someone disappoints us, we will live with that hurt in a real and tangible way because it is going to cost us that much more. If this is the way that you feel or the way that you live, you may arrive at a conclusion that says that it makes more sense to not be in relationships with others. Or that you be careful and have a level of distrust. Or that you do what you can to force or control the other so that you will not run the risk of hurt and disappointment and losing some of the precious love that you have.
And what about with our faith? What about our relationship with God? While our faith may give us an assurance that God ultimately does not disappoint us, we may embrace a perception of being disappointed by God. When we struggle in life, we may have the idea that God did not act, did not intervene, did not comfort in a way that we desired, and now something is lost and will never be regained. How could we ever trust God again when it feels like God has disappointed us in such a deep and painful way? Or, we consider all of the ways that we have let God down, the ways that we have disappointed God, the ways that we have been less than perfect, and maybe we find ourselves in a place where we cannot imagine God forgiving us, taking us back, because there is only so much love to go around. And maybe we embrace the image of a wrathful God, condemning us of our many and multiple flaws, because it is the only way of conceiving God that makes sense. In this view of divine-human relationship, the infinite divine still has only a limited supply of love.
Such fears are the foundations of political theories and national identity. Such fears are the drivers of overbearing parents and co-dependent partners. Such fear pushes the notion that we must do everything we can, everything possible to keep God happy at all times because we cannot imagine or live with the notion that God may be disappointed.
This means that we often find ourselves saying in the same sentence that we need to make sure that we get at least a sliver of God’s approval and love and that we also say that God is infinite, great, beyond all comprehension. We still hold to the infinite nature of God, so why not the infinite nature of God’s love? Why is it that so many of us live in such a way as to have to impress God, prove to God that we are worthy, and fear that we will not be good enough? God’s love is beyond what we can know, has no bounds or limits. And yet, in our religious communities, we often do not live as if this were the truth.
How can we take that radical depth of love and bring it into our own lives? The truth is that we are indeed limited people. We can only run so fast, we can only work so hard, and so it seems natural to say that we can only love so much.
Yet what if God is the source of our love? I am not suggesting that we can love again and again because God gives us a kind of energy, a kind of superpower that enables us to love more than might be humanly possible. God invites and pulls you not only into that divine love, but into the way that the divine love is pulled towards the other. Think about the love-struck, starry-eyed individual who has found that perfect person to be with, to love, and to adore. They are in the crush stage of a relationship, a place where you see your beloved with that fuzzy filter where the he or she can do no wrong. All they can do is talk about their beloved, share about how great their beloved is, and want you to see their beloved in a similar way. They look and see through a fuzzy love filter and are saying, look through these eyes, and see what I can see, isn’t my beloved dreamy.
When God is the source of our love, we are pulled, drawn to see the other through the filter of God’s love. I am not saying that God sees us through a filter that is fuzzy and star-struck. God sees us as we are, faults and all. But the love is always there. Compassion and mercy are always there. God looks at us, especially when we fall and fail in our lives and says, “I still see beauty, I still see something so good that it makes my heart leap. And while at this moment my heart grieves and breaks I am not going to stop seeing the beauty that I love about you.” And God desires to pull us into that vision, that view of each other. God comes to us and says, “see what beauty is in that individual you have a difficult time being around! How wonderful.” God comes to us and says, “see what love I have for that person who is spiraling and making harmful choices. How heartbreaking and tragic!” We can be pulled into a relationship with the other through God’s presence and God’s love. And there is no scarcity of this love.
This does not mean that we become doormats to be walked over and taken advantage of. It means that we call out bad behavior, we name the hurt and the pain that comes from such behavior, but we do not say that we are done with the relationship, that we are over and that we cannot continue in some kind of relationship. Yes, relationships change. There are times when marriages should come to an end, there are times when it is right to leave a church, and there are times when the nature of the relationship needs to change in a drastic way. Yet it does not mean that the individual is gone, erased from your life. They will always have a place in who you are. Even with death, the individual will still be a part of who you are and will still call for some of the love that you have to offer. To say that all is lost and over is saying that there is no more love, that the surplus is over. There may be some that we have to distance ourselves from to stay safe, but the love that God has towards that person calls us to hold some kind of relationship, albeit distant and safe. It is a step of faith that God is one who does love us and does not reject us.
How can we take this living into a surplus of love into our relationships and our community? It is one thing to say that we will strive to look at the other through God’s loving eyes, but we would like that same kind of commitment

[Snickerdoodle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rabbi Kushner looks at Bible stories like Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, proposing that what we've understood has been misinterpreted. He mixes what he knows of psychology, religion, and the human relationships he's observed - and asks the reader to look at things from a different perspective. While not everything he said struck home, there were several sections that made me stop to think and reflect.

"Love is like a muscle, the more it is exercised today, the more it can be used tomorrow."

"It was as if, by not doing any of those things, I stopped being me."

"Whatever we do for a living, we can learn to see it not only for the money we earn, but in terms of the blessings and benefits it brings other people."

"If we fashion a society in which the elderly are cherished and taken seriously, we will be able to look forward to growing old ourselves instead of dreading it. [...] We will not shun the elderly for fear of becoming like them."

"What we want to know about a book or a movie is not how long it is but how good it is. And we can learn to think of life in the same way."

"If life is a story, then we understand it better as we get closer to the end [...] if life is a story, we can wish it would go on forever, but we understand that even the best of stories has to end [...] We can feel blessed that we were lucky enough to have been part of it."

"Good memories deepen the poignancy of what we have lost. Bad memories keep the resentment alive when the occasion is long past. But memory is what ultimately gives us power over death, by keeping the person alive in our hearts. Memory is what gives us power over time, by keeping the past present so that it cannot fade and rob us of what we once held precious. "

"We not only have today; we have all the yesterdays we are capable of remembering and all the tomorrows we can envision."

"There is a wholeness about the person who can give himself away, who can give his time, his money, his strength to others and not feel diminished when he does so"

"When we have lost part of ourselves and can continue rolling through life and appreciating it, we will have achieved a wholeness that others can only aspire to."

"Life is not a trap set for us by God so that he can condemn us for failing. Life is not a spelling bee where no matter how many words you have gotten right, if you make one mistake you are disqualified. Life is more like a baseball season [...] our goal is to win more than we lose."

"If we are brave enough to love, if we are strong enough to forgive, if we are generous enough to rejoice in another's happiness, if we are wise enough to know there is enough love to go around for us all, then we can achieve fulfillment."

[Katrina SB · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well this is a terrible book. But it has some good insights. Out of eight chapters, probably 2.5 were convincing.

Chapter 1: You are enough. You are good enough.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2 is totally lost on me. If you’re not a religious person, then assuming a false premise as the basis of an argument is a total headfuck. Here he goes on and on about Adam and Eve. Honestly I couldn’t care less. A point could be made without reference to this story, and he totally lost me. I couldn’t tell you what point he was trying to make in this chapter.

Chapter 3: You are not perfect, you make mistakes and that is OK.

Chapter 4: Members of your family are not perfect. Love them anyway.

Chapter 5: To be happy in a relationship, stop trying to be right. Your partner is not perfect and neither are you.

Chapter 6: As if Adam and Eve wasn’t enough, here we are introduced to Cain and Abel. Something about sibling rivalry and parents choosing favourites. Moral: we are all unique. Again, I think the point could easily have been made without reference to the story which confounds the message.

Chapter 7: Interpreting loss. Loss is not a punishment but a consequence of love.

Chapter 8: The imperfect person is the most complete person.

This book has some very comforting words with some very touching sentiments expressed. There are definitely words of wisdom here which can be easily underlined. It fails, however, in all the “stuff” surrounding all those words of wisdom. Namely, a great number of unsubstantiated and false claims (particularly about the nature of animals), an incredibly sexist perspective (the author’s views on women, girls and their place in society are rather backward considering this book was written in 1997), and finally the religious sermon - far too many logical fallacies and a dire lack of critical analysis... These aspects of the book make it hard to tolerate. The book’s brevity was its saving grace.

Had the author trimmed out the fat, he would have had a far more compelling book in my opinion. Its best parts are when the author speaks from his experience and simply articulates advice plainly rather than appealing to religion, or drawing comparisons between humans and animals - where he unscientifically disparages animals every single time.

Conclusion, I will probably refer to it from time to time for those words of wisdom which I have underlined. But there are probably better self help books out there, especially if you’re looking for calm without all the rhetoric.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

For such a little and simple-read book, it packs quite a punch!

I love the re-telling of the Adam and Eve story, which Kushner sets up as our inheritance, then clarification of the original sin. He then goes on to delineate how that inheritance sullies our view of God in what He wants of us, along with how (and why) we relate to people the way we do. All too often, like a ‘complete’ circle we go on about our lives so quickly that we don’t consider let alone take time to enjoy if not also notice those things that are more important. So there is a benefit to being incomplete … in that, I digress, but one has to read the book to appreciate that story.

Nevertheless, the point of the book is to not strive for perfection. All too often, and one way or another, we DO fail. Nevertheless, the book also points out that we are also not to be sloppy, lazy, indifferent, i.e., irresponsible to ourselves nor to one another when(ever) we DO fail!!! Therefore, there is a balance to be struck in how we relate to ourselves and others, and with God. We nevertheless, and at some point have to account for what(ever) we do! I am particularly struck with the real point of the Cain and Abel story as whatever one does, one is responsible for the choice one makes. I am also struck with the re-interpretation of the Bible stories, as one has to account for one’s biases, as one (really) tries to discern the (real) point of the stories.

I don’t want to give away the book because one would most appreciate it if one reads it (for) oneself. Again, the book is simple to read, but very insightful, and provokes further reading via the stories Kushner utilizes as examples or illustrations in the book.

[brunettelizzygrant · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cały czas Kushner tańczy wokół zagadnień moralnych i religijności. Ciągle przewija się kluczowe pytanie ,,Czy musimy być doskonali?" aż w pewnym momencie przypomina to refleksyjną mantrę. Trochę wyszło mu masło maślane, ale ostatecznie książka broni się interesującym spojrzenie na relacje międzyludzkie, konflikty rodzinne, różnice między mężczyznami i kobietami, przebaczenie, miłość czy też okrucieństwo Boga i można się z tym spojrzeniem zgodzić, lub nie. Rozdziały ściśle nawiązujące do Biblii były fascynujące i delikatnie kontrowersyjne, tylko odrobinę, aczkolwiek rozdział ,,Ojcowie i synowie, matki i córki" strasznie mnie wynudził. Ostatecznie przetargały mnie wszystkie te mądre myśli Kushnera, mającego ze sobą zresztą wieloletnie doświadczenie jako rabin w synagodze, będącego niezwykle religijnym, jednocześnie pełnego szacunku wobec ludzi wokół. Ale to pierwszy rozdział mnie usatysfakcjonował wyjaśniając wiele rzeczy, których nikt nie umiał wyjaśnić kiedy pytałam utkwiwszy między wiarą a ateizmem. Rzeczy takich jak dlaczego Bóg jest okrutny, a kościół pełen mizoginistycznych i homofobicznych przekonań, uprzedzeń i nienawiści. Kushner przedstawia całkowicie odmienną i nietypową interpretację przypowieści o raju utraconym i drzewie poznania. „Historia ogrodu Eden nie jest historią upadku człowieka, ale pojawienia się ludzkości”. Ewę kreauje jako bohaterkę, nie czarny charakter, nie powód cierpienia wszystkich ludzi na Ziemii (pod tym aspektem porównywana jest do mitologicznej Pandory).

[Rose Daugherty-rudd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid 3.5 but bumped to a 4 in hopes it might help someone struggling with these things. Picked this book up because I struggle often with feelings of guilt. I haven’t read “When Bad Things Happen…” so can’t compare it to that, but I’d say the writing quality is more like a 3 or 3.5 at highest. Most of it was just the author’s interpretations of the original Al biblical stories then backed up by various random examples from his own life, literature, or movies. Even though this got kind of old, some of the observations in this book can be reallly helpful; I would imagine especially to anyone who was raised with religious beliefs. There were moments of brilliance, punctuated by these specific biblical stories and experiences. If I recommended it to anyone, I’d let them know how religious it is or just give them my copy to skim… lots worth highlighting but also a lot of things in between. He has really specific chapters on parent/child and sibling relationships that could also be helpful read in isolation.