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By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride
Because of human imperfections, difficulties crop up in marriage, even between people who love each other deeply. You'll soon find that for this reason, although love is a gift, it must also be learned. So begins this remarkable book of letters to Julie, a young bride letters that reveal the beauty and importance of high ideals in marriage while teaching you practical tips to help you live up to those ideals daily. You'll learn how to grow in wisdom and in love as you encounter the unglamorous, everyday problems that threaten all marriages. As the author says: If someone were to give me many short bits of wool, most likely I would throw them away. A carpet weaver thinks differently. He knows the marvels we can achieve by using small things artfully and lovingly. Like the carpet weaver, the good wife must be an artist of love. She must remember her mission and never waste the little deeds that fill her day the precious bits of wool she s been given to weave the majestic tapestry of married love. This remarkable book will show you how to start weaving love into the tapestry of your marriage today, as it leads you more deeply into the joys of love.
216 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1989
53 people are currently reading
623 people want to read
About the author
Alice von Hildebrand
33 books161 followersAlice von Hildebrand DCSG (born Alice Jourdain; 11 March 1923 in Brussels, Belgium) was a Catholic philosopher, theologian, and professor.
She came to the U.S. in 1940 and began teaching at Hunter College in New York City in 1947. She earned a doctorate from Fordham University in 1949. In 1959 she married the philosopher and theologian Dietrich von Hildebrand (1889–1977). She retired in 1984.
Alice von Hildebrand lived in the United States and was a lecturer and author whose works include: The Privilege of Being a Woman (2002) and The Soul of a Lion: The Life of Dietrich von Hildebrand (2000), a biography of her husband. In 2014, she published her autobiography, Memoirs of a Happy Failure, about her escape from Nazi Europe and her teaching career at Hunter College.
She came to the U.S. in 1940 and began teaching at Hunter College in New York City in 1947. She earned a doctorate from Fordham University in 1949. In 1959 she married the philosopher and theologian Dietrich von Hildebrand (1889–1977). She retired in 1984.
Alice von Hildebrand lived in the United States and was a lecturer and author whose works include: The Privilege of Being a Woman (2002) and The Soul of a Lion: The Life of Dietrich von Hildebrand (2000), a biography of her husband. In 2014, she published her autobiography, Memoirs of a Happy Failure, about her escape from Nazi Europe and her teaching career at Hunter College.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
July 28, 2024
"... marriage is a risk - a "deed of daring" (as Kierkegaard said). That's why a happy marriage is impossible for people who never take any step that might threaten their security."
"... one widespread modern attitude aggravates our difficulties in marriage and in all our other relationships: lack of reverence."
"... any authentic love must be confirmed by many acts of the will which sustain us when - for whatever reason - our feelings wane."
"... you've learned the most important lesson any couple can learn: marriage is worth fighting for."
"... one widespread modern attitude aggravates our difficulties in marriage and in all our other relationships: lack of reverence."
"... any authentic love must be confirmed by many acts of the will which sustain us when - for whatever reason - our feelings wane."
"... you've learned the most important lesson any couple can learn: marriage is worth fighting for."
March 29, 2018
I expected the title of this book was just a nice-sounding, generic phrase. How amazed I am to now understand it as the key to increasing depth of happiness in marriage.
By Love Refined beautifully lays out how love really is the center of a good marriage--only, this is not love as the world expects. In short, clear, profound letters, Mrs. von Hildebrand gently expounds to the young bride "Julie" (and thus to us, her readers) how self-sacrificing love sees the beloved for his true self and thus dares all, endures all, gives all, and so also receives all.
Her central image is the "Tabor Vision," a way of relating the intensity of early, "in love" love to the Transfiguration of Christ before his disciples on Mount Tabor. She asserts that the one who is in love sees the truest revelation of the beloved's self. That such "in love" feelings will fade is inevitable. What the lover must do is remember the vision and live according to it. When his habits annoy you, when he seems distant, when life is full of drudgery, remember that this is not reality. That ecstatic vision of love is the reality. Though it is often hidden, the secret to happiness in marriage is to bring it constantly to mind and to act in accord with it, rather than reacting to the mundane appearances of day-in-day-out life.
This does not mean ignoring the reality of problems and trying to live in some imaginary dream world. Mrs. von Hildebrand speaks often of determining the proper "theme" for a given time. The theme might be relaxation or joy or frustration or any hundred other things. What is important is perceiving the theme (or perhaps helping craft it) and acting accordingly for that moment. There is a time to address concerns or irritations with one's husband, but not at moments when either or both of you are exhausted, distracted, or upset.
What I liked most about this book, I think, is that it not only offered wise, Christian marriage advice, but that it gently teaches about the very nature of true love. So gentle is the teaching, in fact, that I cannot really point to any one thing that I had not already known and believed before I read the book. Yet, so profound is the teaching that I feel I have a completely new vision of love lived out in the Christian life.
For those wise enough to have become disillusioned with the world's mantra that marriage is all about love, this book will help you turn the tables on the world. Yes, marriage is all about love. But, oh, poor selfish world, you do not understand at all what love is. Read this book and begin to turn love inside out: It is not about your joy but the joy of your beloved. Which, paradoxically, will bring you far more joy than you could ever have expected.
By Love Refined beautifully lays out how love really is the center of a good marriage--only, this is not love as the world expects. In short, clear, profound letters, Mrs. von Hildebrand gently expounds to the young bride "Julie" (and thus to us, her readers) how self-sacrificing love sees the beloved for his true self and thus dares all, endures all, gives all, and so also receives all.
Her central image is the "Tabor Vision," a way of relating the intensity of early, "in love" love to the Transfiguration of Christ before his disciples on Mount Tabor. She asserts that the one who is in love sees the truest revelation of the beloved's self. That such "in love" feelings will fade is inevitable. What the lover must do is remember the vision and live according to it. When his habits annoy you, when he seems distant, when life is full of drudgery, remember that this is not reality. That ecstatic vision of love is the reality. Though it is often hidden, the secret to happiness in marriage is to bring it constantly to mind and to act in accord with it, rather than reacting to the mundane appearances of day-in-day-out life.
This does not mean ignoring the reality of problems and trying to live in some imaginary dream world. Mrs. von Hildebrand speaks often of determining the proper "theme" for a given time. The theme might be relaxation or joy or frustration or any hundred other things. What is important is perceiving the theme (or perhaps helping craft it) and acting accordingly for that moment. There is a time to address concerns or irritations with one's husband, but not at moments when either or both of you are exhausted, distracted, or upset.
What I liked most about this book, I think, is that it not only offered wise, Christian marriage advice, but that it gently teaches about the very nature of true love. So gentle is the teaching, in fact, that I cannot really point to any one thing that I had not already known and believed before I read the book. Yet, so profound is the teaching that I feel I have a completely new vision of love lived out in the Christian life.
For those wise enough to have become disillusioned with the world's mantra that marriage is all about love, this book will help you turn the tables on the world. Yes, marriage is all about love. But, oh, poor selfish world, you do not understand at all what love is. Read this book and begin to turn love inside out: It is not about your joy but the joy of your beloved. Which, paradoxically, will bring you far more joy than you could ever have expected.
February 22, 2018
The book is hard to get into, because the tone can easily be construed as saccharine and unrealistic. Get over it and keep reading, because it's absolutely worth it.
November 15, 2018
I feel a bit ambiguous about this epistolary volume. It’s by Roman Catholic theologian and philosopher Alice Hildebrand. On the one hand, it contains good advice for the newly married woman. Much of what she says is both perceptive and daringly counter-cultural--she has the wisdom to urge self-sacrifice and self-control in an era deeply suspicious of anything that might trim the wings of one’s individuality. In addition, I love her comment that “Although love is a gift, it must be learned.” (A thought that applies to parenting as well as marriage!).
Another interesting quote: “One widespread modern attitude aggravates our difficulties in marriage and in all our other relationships: lack of reverence. I don’t only mean lack of reverence for God. I also mean lack of reverence for other persons and even for things: the failure to recognize the inner nobility and worth of persons and things which leads to the failure to treat them with the deep, tender respect that is due to them.” She posits that the opposite of this necessary reverence is arrogance.
On the other hand, I find her style off-putting. Her tone is so elevated it sometimes feels like a throwback to nineteenth-century romanticism. She says that in times of conflict, “The crucial thing at such times is to call to mind the glorious Tabor vision of [your husband] granted to you in your moment of falling in love. What you saw then, even though it might seem an illusion now, was the true [man].” That is, a wife is to believe, through force of will, that the wonderful man she saw during the time of courtship is a God-granted image of her husband, more “real” than the sins and imperfections of daily married life. In all honesty, I find this a terrible analogy.
Perhaps it will resonate more strongly with readers who experienced the traditional head-over-heels kind of courtship. Me? I’m more emotionally cautious and intellectually driven. I feel far more in love with my husband now than during our engagement. More importantly, though, I think it urges women to cling to a superficial, romanticized picture of their husband’s “inner man” instead of just love the real fellow, simul justus et peccator, warts and all. I find it far more helpful to be urged to love, forgive, and accept my sinful husband (whose weaknesses are real!) just as I have been loved, forgiven, and accepted by God.
Again, not a bad read; and I might be more enthusiastic about it if I hadn’t already read other books with similar sound advice.
Another interesting quote: “One widespread modern attitude aggravates our difficulties in marriage and in all our other relationships: lack of reverence. I don’t only mean lack of reverence for God. I also mean lack of reverence for other persons and even for things: the failure to recognize the inner nobility and worth of persons and things which leads to the failure to treat them with the deep, tender respect that is due to them.” She posits that the opposite of this necessary reverence is arrogance.
On the other hand, I find her style off-putting. Her tone is so elevated it sometimes feels like a throwback to nineteenth-century romanticism. She says that in times of conflict, “The crucial thing at such times is to call to mind the glorious Tabor vision of [your husband] granted to you in your moment of falling in love. What you saw then, even though it might seem an illusion now, was the true [man].” That is, a wife is to believe, through force of will, that the wonderful man she saw during the time of courtship is a God-granted image of her husband, more “real” than the sins and imperfections of daily married life. In all honesty, I find this a terrible analogy.
Perhaps it will resonate more strongly with readers who experienced the traditional head-over-heels kind of courtship. Me? I’m more emotionally cautious and intellectually driven. I feel far more in love with my husband now than during our engagement. More importantly, though, I think it urges women to cling to a superficial, romanticized picture of their husband’s “inner man” instead of just love the real fellow, simul justus et peccator, warts and all. I find it far more helpful to be urged to love, forgive, and accept my sinful husband (whose weaknesses are real!) just as I have been loved, forgiven, and accepted by God.
Again, not a bad read; and I might be more enthusiastic about it if I hadn’t already read other books with similar sound advice.
June 5, 2022
This book is a series of letters from Alice to a newly married bride and covers several of the ups and downs of marriage. While I definitely needed to take some of the more traditional gender role advice with a grain (or at times a heaping) of salt, the core messages were always good. I used it as a “devotional” and read 1-2 letters a day, and found that it helped me to keep my marriage at the forefront of my mind.
June 27, 2020
World Challenge: Belguim
A collection of letters from an older spiritual mentor to a young woman during her first few years of marriage. Each letter/chapter is 2-5 pages and surrounds a specific comment made by the young woman (the chapter title) in her unseen letters. It reminded me of a reverse Screwtape Letters with good advice being shared to a christian woman adjusting to marriage. It was an easy format to read and made the metaphysical and theological issues discussed more relatable. I also loved that the young woman's name happened to be Julie!
This book is a great resource for Christians in committed/healthy marriages, who want to better understand and live their marriage vows. It discusses small annoyances and problems, but is not intended to address marriages in crisis. There are other books for that!
I love Alice von Hildebrand - wife of famed philosopher Dietrich von Hildebrand and esteemed college philosophy & theology professor in her own right. Amazingly she is still alive today at the age of 97! (She was 30 years younger than Dietrich and married him after his first wife passed away.) Her advice through the letters of "Lily" are unlike anything you will read in advice columns today. There are no snarky responses or "clapbacks". She gently urges her young friend to carry her burdens humbly, charitably discuss issues with her husband, and continually grow in sacrificial love.
This book is particularly valuable to newly married christian couples establishing their married lives together. But as an old married woman, I could still re-read it every few years and get something new out of it.
A collection of letters from an older spiritual mentor to a young woman during her first few years of marriage. Each letter/chapter is 2-5 pages and surrounds a specific comment made by the young woman (the chapter title) in her unseen letters. It reminded me of a reverse Screwtape Letters with good advice being shared to a christian woman adjusting to marriage. It was an easy format to read and made the metaphysical and theological issues discussed more relatable. I also loved that the young woman's name happened to be Julie!
This book is a great resource for Christians in committed/healthy marriages, who want to better understand and live their marriage vows. It discusses small annoyances and problems, but is not intended to address marriages in crisis. There are other books for that!
I love Alice von Hildebrand - wife of famed philosopher Dietrich von Hildebrand and esteemed college philosophy & theology professor in her own right. Amazingly she is still alive today at the age of 97! (She was 30 years younger than Dietrich and married him after his first wife passed away.) Her advice through the letters of "Lily" are unlike anything you will read in advice columns today. There are no snarky responses or "clapbacks". She gently urges her young friend to carry her burdens humbly, charitably discuss issues with her husband, and continually grow in sacrificial love.
This book is particularly valuable to newly married christian couples establishing their married lives together. But as an old married woman, I could still re-read it every few years and get something new out of it.
October 6, 2020
I expected to like this book a lot more than I did! There are some wonderful nuggets of wisdom and I agree with the principles (self sacrifice etc) but I found the style annoying. ‘Julie’, the new bride comes across as a spoilt brat I could not empathise with. Maybe it’s because after 13 years of marriage I have learnt a lot of the lessons already and have forgotten what a spoilt brat I was at the start of my marriage!
Also, I found it peculiar that there was little discussion of children as central to marriage. The book spans the first two years of Julie’s marriage at the end of which she is pregnant. For me, pregnancy, miscarriage and babies are bound up with the first two years of marriage - which in my experience accelerate growth, maturity and inter-dependence in marriage. I know Alice Von Hildebrand unfortunately didn’t have children so this obviously formed her experience of marriage. In a way, I suppose one has to work harder at marriage when you don’t have the physical bond of children.
I would still recommend this book to engaged/newly married women as it is good to read different people’s perspectives on marriage. You never know what people struggle with that might be helped by this book.
Also, I found it peculiar that there was little discussion of children as central to marriage. The book spans the first two years of Julie’s marriage at the end of which she is pregnant. For me, pregnancy, miscarriage and babies are bound up with the first two years of marriage - which in my experience accelerate growth, maturity and inter-dependence in marriage. I know Alice Von Hildebrand unfortunately didn’t have children so this obviously formed her experience of marriage. In a way, I suppose one has to work harder at marriage when you don’t have the physical bond of children.
I would still recommend this book to engaged/newly married women as it is good to read different people’s perspectives on marriage. You never know what people struggle with that might be helped by this book.
February 10, 2020
I want so badly to rate this higher but I can’t. Could it be because some of it hits closer to home in my own marriage than I care to admit?
As an overachieving perfectionist I worry that some of the wisdom that Alice shares, when taken too close to heart, or without supportive community, becomes unhealthy. It was also disheartening to hear over and over again the challenges of marriage without a) deep reminders of the joys or b) the knowledge that there was being read and absorbed a similar, complementary book for young husbands!
Maybe this just means that I’ll need to revisit it once more time has passed and I’ve lived more of what marriage is about.
As an overachieving perfectionist I worry that some of the wisdom that Alice shares, when taken too close to heart, or without supportive community, becomes unhealthy. It was also disheartening to hear over and over again the challenges of marriage without a) deep reminders of the joys or b) the knowledge that there was being read and absorbed a similar, complementary book for young husbands!
Maybe this just means that I’ll need to revisit it once more time has passed and I’ve lived more of what marriage is about.
December 3, 2017
This is one of those books that every young married woman should read periodically. As the title suggests, it discusses how your love for your husband can help you become a better person, if you let it. This is a much easier, less heady read than Alice von Hildebrand's other popular book, "The Privilege of Being a Woman," but still you can see marks of the philosopher as she discusses the ideals of marriage and how to attain them. The book is in the form of a series of letters to a young friend named Julie, who is newly married, offering advice on the difficulties she faces.
September 1, 2025
“Alice Von Hildenbrand- an articulate spokesman for love in deeply cynical times”- yes! great read
“Its true that no one can measure the wounds that spouses can inflict upon each other in the intimacy of marriage. But it’s also true that no one can measure the incredible joy and peace that they bestow in each other in a marriage based on complete trust and full intimacy.
Which is why I must again remind you that marriage, like all things in life, is a risk, a deed of daring… the more you allow yourselves to be refined by love, the more perfect your marriage will become.”
“Its true that no one can measure the wounds that spouses can inflict upon each other in the intimacy of marriage. But it’s also true that no one can measure the incredible joy and peace that they bestow in each other in a marriage based on complete trust and full intimacy.
Which is why I must again remind you that marriage, like all things in life, is a risk, a deed of daring… the more you allow yourselves to be refined by love, the more perfect your marriage will become.”
August 22, 2021
Gentle like Mary
Beautiful and helpful, soft and gentle. Advice like from the best of mothers. Very well written, and deeply relatable for all those in the married vocation. This book captured the high hopes of a marriage United in love, blessed and sanctified by God, striving together for heaven, and a home like that of the Holy Family. Every letter touched my heart. Thank you Alive for this priceless piece!
Beautiful and helpful, soft and gentle. Advice like from the best of mothers. Very well written, and deeply relatable for all those in the married vocation. This book captured the high hopes of a marriage United in love, blessed and sanctified by God, striving together for heaven, and a home like that of the Holy Family. Every letter touched my heart. Thank you Alive for this priceless piece!
January 18, 2025
Todas as famílias felizes se parecem.
Como disse Tostoi em Anna Karienina: ?Todas as famílias felizes se parecem, cada família infeliz é infeliz à sua maneira?
Nesta obra, Alice escreve cartas aconselhando os primeiros anos de casadas de sua sobrinha. Porém como previu Tostói, as felicidades e infelicidades do casamento são universais, de modo que são conselhos maravilhosos para toda mulher casada.
Como disse Tostoi em Anna Karienina: ?Todas as famílias felizes se parecem, cada família infeliz é infeliz à sua maneira?
Nesta obra, Alice escreve cartas aconselhando os primeiros anos de casadas de sua sobrinha. Porém como previu Tostói, as felicidades e infelicidades do casamento são universais, de modo que são conselhos maravilhosos para toda mulher casada.
October 8, 2018
The advice contained herein might be solid, but the format was irritating. It's no surprise this isn't a best seller.
That said, I do think Hildebrand addressed many of the more common issues in marriages in a way that was easy to read and almost funny sometimes. I don't hate myself for reading it, but I'm guessing whoever recommended it to me probably doesn't read much.
That said, I do think Hildebrand addressed many of the more common issues in marriages in a way that was easy to read and almost funny sometimes. I don't hate myself for reading it, but I'm guessing whoever recommended it to me probably doesn't read much.
September 16, 2020
Though quick to read, there is much for a young couple to consider within these pages. Most fundamentally, a married couple should be generous with one another and this book provides practical application of that principle.
December 17, 2021
There is some really beautiful advice in this book that is relevant and helpful in any stage of marriage, as well as some outdated advice written from a bygone era. However, on the whole I found the book to be wise and encouraging.
April 27, 2022
I wanted to love this so bad…. The format wasn’t what I was expecting and I may just be too far into marriage for these concepts to be glass shattering. I expected this book to be a deeper dive into marriage and it was just not what I was expecting.
October 20, 2024
Very sweet book about a new bride asking for advice from an older friend. The letters highlight everyday troubles newlyweds face and the advice encourages intentionality, patience, and faith. Hold fast to the spark of love that comes from Christ!
July 20, 2019
This book definitely made me a fan of Alice von Hildebrand. She's just brilliant. So much good stuff written in this book!
August 6, 2020
Solid advice for young brides. It’s reassuring to know that’s universal for young brides to navigate certain challenges, and a solid Christian woman has wisdom about how to solve them virtuously.
March 28, 2021
A lovely collection of letters very appropriate for a bridal shower gift or for a any news bride!
June 1, 2021
often didactic in tone but knowing the legacy of the author one feels she's earned the right.
she has some good advice for both bride and bridegroom, title notwithstanding.
she has some good advice for both bride and bridegroom, title notwithstanding.
August 16, 2021
A good read for a new wife or one that needs to reaffirm her role within the sanctity of marriage.
September 29, 2021
Good book to read for catholic brides. Didn't like the format of the letters.
February 17, 2022
Beautiful
I'm newly married and through this I learned so much on how to love and care for my husband. You truly feel like she's talking to you
I'm newly married and through this I learned so much on how to love and care for my husband. You truly feel like she's talking to you
January 8, 2023
So many little gems of advice for newlyweds.
July 5, 2023
É uma boa leitura e apesar de ter alguns pontos clichês, da para tirar boas reflexões. Eu recomendo!
April 14, 2024
Lovely read
One of the loveliest books I have ever read. Full of wisdom and compassion. I enjoyed the style of writing...I recommend this.
One of the loveliest books I have ever read. Full of wisdom and compassion. I enjoyed the style of writing...I recommend this.
Want to read
October 17, 2024This book was all the right kinds of frustration at the right times. Stick with it, it’s worth it
February 6, 2025
This was a great book filled with practical examples of struggles faced by a young bride as she adjusts to married life.
May 31, 2025
This is my second time reading it and it still is filled with wisdom a new (plus wisdom I forgot lol). highly recommend!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews