My Father Before Me

by Chris Forhan

A Library Journal Best Memoir of 2016

An award-winning poet offers a multi-generational portrait of an American family—weaving together the lives of his ancestors, his parents, and his own coming of age in the 60s and 70s in the wake of his father’s suicide, in this superbly written, “fiercely honest” (Nick Flynn) memoir.

The fifth of eight children, Chris Forhan was born into a family of silence. He and his siblings learned, without being told, that certain thoughts and feelings were not to be shared. On the evenings his father didn’t come home, the rest of the family would eat dinner without him, his whereabouts unknown, his absence pronounced but not mentioned. And on a cold night in 1973, just before Christmas, Forhan’s father killed himself in the carport.

Forty years later, Forhan “bravely considers the way he is and is not his father’s son” (Larry Watson), digging into his family’s past and finding within each generation the same abandonment, loss, and silence in which he was raised. Like Ian Frazier in Family or Frank McCourt in Angela’s Ashes , Forhan shows his family members as both a part and a product of their time. My Father Before Me is a family history, an investigation into a death, and a stirring portrait of growing up in an Irish Catholic childhood, all set against a backdrop of America from the Great Depression to the Ramones.

Marrying the literary scope of memoirists Geoffrey Wolff and J.R. Moehringer with the intensity of family novels like The Corrections and We Are Not Ourselves , My Father Before Me is the kind of epic, immersive memoir that comes along once in a decade.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Adult, Parenting, Autobiography

320 pages, Hardcover

Published June 28, 2016

Reviews

[Elyse Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ed Forhan, had been married 24 years, had 8 children, and was 44 years of age, when he committed suicide.
Chris Forhan was 14 when his father died. There was so much Chris didn't know
about his father and his father's history. He knew his father had a brother who died young, but nothing more on that subject....and there was another brother somewhere far away, but he knew nothing about his dad's parents (his MIA grandparents).
What he did know:
His father gave himself insulin shots daily for his diabetes. When he had a 'diabetic reaction', he would begin to speak loud and odd. His movements were rapid, and he became agitated and unbalanced. Ed often stayed out late at night and had gambling debts.
Also.... months before Ed took his life, he was fired from his job of fifteen years. Being depress, he wasn't looking for another job -but his severance package was generous.
A few more things we know about Ed:
....He was raised in a strict religious family..an Irish Catholic childhood. When Ed, himself became a father, his behavior became more erratic -- unstable.
The last movie Chris saw with his dad -- ( while munching popcorn and soda drinks),
was "The Poseidon Adventure".

Given just the basic facts about Ed Forham ....( a devastating loss for his family), there were many red flags in my opinion for why Ed might have taken his life.

My husband, Paul and I, had 3 male friends who each took their lives:

Robert's ( early 50's), wife had left him. He was somewhat depressed...but had been moving forward. He had a good job...( an attorney), lived in Marin. When his mother died, Robert shared with us, it was a bigger loss for him than his wife leaving. We knew he was low... but he had many friends. He spent 2 weeks at Burning Man. The day he returned home to his home in Marin, he took his life.

Doug -(late 40's), was divorce for a along time, but had a girlfriend for a couple years. They were about to move in with each other. He took a special trip to Europe with his 12 year old daughter for two weeks. He returned home - took a walk in the woods and shot himself. He left a note... "He was happy with his life...but financially was in too deep of a hole". He was ready to go. We were all 'SHOCKED' as can be about Doug's death.

Chris (early 40's), Single, Bisexual, independently wealthy, -- He did something 'out-of-integrity' to a couple he knew... put a knife into his chest while lying down in bed, and took the knife out and set it nearest foot. It was in the news everywhere. Chris had just spent a week at our house - while in the Bay Area - visiting from Oregon.
( less than a week before)
I still have gifts he gave me- and think about him often.

Yesterday, I listened to a webinar by Sherman Alexie. He talked about his dad who died from alcoholism...and about the PAIN & SUFFERING he, himself, goes through when he writes about his personal life ( all the many tragedies), ... and 'no' writing is 'not' healing for him...( it takes him deeper into the experience and re-lives it)...but he takes pride and gratification hoping what he writes has helped 'other' people.
READING ... is healing for him... ( WRITING, not so much...yet...the end satisfaction makes it almost worth it).

So... I think Chris Forhan joins the rank of the courageous men and women who have come before him... ( Jeannette Walls, Mary Karr, Augusten Burrough's, Dave Pelzer, Cupcake Brown, and many others) .....
Chris is a talented descriptive writer. My heart ached for him...( I felt those feelings too). It was as if he was working on the pipeline ( endless personal work to measure who he is against trying not to live as his father did --- suffering out of shame or pride or fear).

There were many parts of this book that put a huge smile on my face. When Chris's parents were newlyweds, they really did look like the "Better Homes & Garden" happy married couple. Ange, Chris's mother, became an over night successful ALL AMERICAN HOMEMAKER! :)
Spaghetti & Meatballs - Tuna noodle casserole - deviled eggs - briefcases- pleasantness- courtesy- self denial -the newest cleanser for unsightly stains- disinfectant: Angie & Ed were a team... ( if only it lasted)

Chris includes letters from his other siblings sharing about their dad-- thoughts, feelings- memories...it's all helpful and valuable to bring some understanding and closer to this family.
Ed had an illness -- ( Ed knew it himself)-- but mental illness was less excepted back in the 60s and 70s than it is now. Family therapy - medications were not as easily accepted either.

Chris and his brother, Kevin - both turned to poetry, ( writing poetry) --Chris wonders if there was something about his father's killing himself that caused this.

This memoir deals with a dark subject - but the narrative by Chris Forhan is tender & insightful. His open heart is beautiful --and beautifully written.

At the start of his Epilogue at the end of the book --Chris writes about SILENCE ... Its profoundly enlightening, and illuminating.

Thank You Scribner, Netgalley, and Chris Forhan

[Esil · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chris Forhan's father committed suicide when Forhan was 12 years old in the 1970s. Forhan was one of eight children. Over forty years later, Forhan has written this memoir with a view to understanding his father and his father's impact on his family. It's a relatively short book, but it's very well-crafted -- it feels honest without being overly dramatic or self-pitying. Through some research and interviews with his mother and siblings, Forhan paints a picture of his father’s childhood, early life, and twenty years or so as a husband, father and accountant before he committed suicide. It’s a picture of a man who was always a bit unstable – not mean or cruel, but very removed from his family. Forhan also mines the impact his father has had on his life and the life of his siblings – not an easy task because this was a family that used silence to deal with difficulty. Forhan paints a truly loving picture of his mother – a woman who held the family together and willingly helped him fill in the gaps as he tried to piece his father’s story together. Forhan is a poet – he has written a few published collections. He writes about how his father’s experience led him to try to be true to himself for fear of following in father’s footsteps – and that becoming a poet was part of that journey. He also writes very well – nothing flowery or overly written – but simple powerful prose. My very favourite part is a chapter in which he grapples with the impact his father’s suicide had on him – it’s brilliant in the way he acknowledges that there’s no simple packaged way in which he can express his feelings. This felt like a book Forhan had to write for himself, his siblings, his mother and his sons – but I’m glad that he shared his story publicly. I’m not sure that Forhan’s book will find a wide audience given the topic, but it’s certainly worth reading for anyone who is drawn to personal family memoirs. Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for an opportunity to read an advance copy.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Among the lingering and lasting effects from mental illness and parental abandonment, poet Chris Forhan chronicles his family history and dynamic that may have led to his father's 1973 suicide when he was 14 years old. "My Father Before Me: A Memoir" is a compassionate tribute to the memory of his father Ed, who left behind a widow and had reared his 8 children in the Catholic faith, was in the Marine Corps, Air Force Reserve, a college graduate and a certified public accountant.

In tracing his Irish Catholic family heritage to the Seattle waterfront, Ed was raised by his grandparents who lived in a maintenance cottage that serviced Gas Works Park during WWII. Ed's father had abandoned his family and his mother died prematurely from complications due to diabetes, which Ed also inherited. Although Ed seldom spoke of the loss of his parents, (his toddler brother also drowned) he seemed to perhaps suffer in silence, his family avoided discussion of unpleasant tragic events. After marriage, Ed was able to secure a good job at Alaska Lumber and Pulp, which had some travel, he moved his family into a nice larger home in an upscale Lake Washington area neighborhood.

Chris had an ordinary boyhood of Cub Scouts, church and school, as a teen he played the guitar, Bill Gates also lived in his neighborhood nearby. His mother was extremely organized in caring for her children, she later returned to college, earned her teaching certificate and taught first grade. Trouble between his parents was obvious, his father often stayed out all night, and seemed to have car accidents likely related to his diabetes. A psychiatrist was consulted and his father received medication possibly to help stabilize his depression. Although his parents weren't very happy together, his mother was devoted to her husband and family and refused to consider divorce. After a family vacation to Disney Land the family dynamic unraveled quickly, and Ed was laid off his job and given a generous severance package.
Chris bravely narrates his uneasy troubling story and how the loss of his father influenced his life, his family and how he would relate to his own children in a more open transparent and loving way. ~ With thanks to the Seattle Public Library.

[SundayAtDusk · Rating 4 out of 5]

The description of this book makes it sound darker than it is, especially the silence part. Chris Forhan grew up in a middle-class Catholic family of eight kids during the 1960s and 1970s. Silent is not an accurate way to describe this family. The family was very typical of its time. The author was describing a normal type childhood of school, church, family vacations, sports, friends, television, music. Their father had problems, though, which were not discussed with the kids, especially by him. That was not at all unusual during those decades.

At one point, the author says maybe if his father had talked to his children about his problems, they would have been able to love him more. Maybe. Maybe not. Children usually do not want to hear about their parents' problems. Moreover, those who speak a lot of what is troubling them often kill themselves, too. Talking amplifies their problems. What was highly unusual about this story is Mr. Forhan's father actually got psychiatric care decades ago, actually talked to a professional about his troubles. Yet he still killed himself. The author covers the various reasons why his father may have done that, but there is no definite proof as to why. It may even have been something that was not on the author's list of possible reasons. Gambling debts may have been the main reason, but not necessarily. There was no suicide note.

After his father's death, Chris Forhan goes on to describe mostly his own life, and how he ended up realizing one day he may have had more of his father in him than he thought. His mother pointed that out. He needed to change his life in some ways and he did. That's actually more of what the silence in this story is about--not hearing about what happened in the past and why, and having history possibly repeat itself due to that ignorance of the past. Part memories, part reflections, part psychology, part poetry, this memoir was an interesting read. The scene with the author and his son at the end, though, made it all seem too simple. Just love and listen and all will be well. But that's not always true. What's always true is that life will go on without you if you commit suicide, as it should. This book does demonstrate that, as it should. A father kills himself, a son goes on, as he should.

(Note: I received a free e-copy of this book from NetGalley and the author or publisher in exchange for an honest review.)

[bob walenski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Is there a 6 star rating?? What words could I use that are stronger and more meaningful than amazing, wonderful, intense and beautiful?? How can a 300 page story of Chris Forhan's feelings, thoughts and emotions leave a reader so gob smacked, so stunned, so speechless and yet reassured and at peace.

I first noticed this memoir at a Concord, N H bookstore, Gibson's....a very old school shop, where this is exactly the sort of book one might 'stumble' upon. It sat on my shelf only a couple weeks before I heard it call out to me. The cover photo perfectly captures the tone and mood and imagery of the story. Chris Forhan is a well known published poet, acclaimed and known for more than a half dozen poetry collections. He teaches at Butler University.

But this memoir is special. It's a perfect prose poem, a proem. Written in 58 short chapters plus an epilogue, each piece is like a visual prism, images of actions and feelings and thoughts and happenings during the entire length of Chris's extended family history. In trying to come to some sort of resolution and understanding of his father's suicide when Chris was 14, Forhan lays bare his soul, his family demons and the holes of emptiness he's endured his entire life. He's trying to understand and really know his dad, and by extension himself.

The language and words of this story are so rich and real, so poetically alive that the story tells itself in places. There's no need for heavy or morbid explanations or detail, the images and emotional impact are so profound one is left mute and thoughtfully alive.

The final chapter ( 58 ) and Epilogue rival anything I know as powerful emotional prose. If you don't think you can read an entire memoir about a suicide and a specific family, just those 10 pages would be enough to bring you to silence. I SO STRONGLY URGE YOU TO READ THIS MEMOIR..... ....PLEASE....... YOU WON'T REGRET IT!

[Lolly K Dandeneau · Rating 4 out of 5]

(https://bookstalkerblog.wordpress.com...)
Feel free to visit my blog as well.

Writing a memoir is to be vulnerable, writing about your father's suicide I imagine is like sandblasting festering wounds. It's surely therapeutic to get it all out, but the introspection it requires, revisiting every moment of what if, what if something I said or did made things intolerable... well.. I can only imagine the painful process. I felt so much sorrow traveling into the past of Chris and his family, particularly his own father's parents. It echoes many stories of the common man and woman, families that plod through their own dysfunction and tough times, try to raise children despite being disappointed by partners and family. There is so much loss, how can one family bear so much? It was a reminder of my own grandparents on both sides and their own past, mothers and fathers dead from war, or illness or poisoning (that's true for my great grandmother, poisoned by her own sister) but that's another story entirely.
Having read the losses Chris's father was dealt early on, maybe his depression and desperate act didn't 'come out of nowhere.' I got to a point where the other half of the book just made me sad. You know starting the novel that his father commits suicide, but for the families sake you just wish it wasn't so. It effects everyone of his siblings and himself- even if his father wasn't always present. The family of silence, while my own is full of noise and opinions, I do know what silent families do to children. Maybe that is why so many turn to writing, to finally deal with their emotional turmoil, to tell their truth, to dig through their past and try to find reason. Sometimes reason means nothing, sometimes it's everything. I find more than a book about suicide it's how our generations seem to just carry on rotten traditions unknowingly. You learn to accept silence, or to buck up and ignore your pain, or to excuse a spouses or parents absence neglecting yourself. Children learn this, and on and on it goes. One has to wonder what could have changed such an outcome.
How brave Forhan is to expose something most families were taught long ago to feel shame over. How wise to not continue the silence. Heavy read.

[Iva · Rating 4 out of 5]

A readable and engaging exploration of a family. Forhan felt completed to discover who his father was before he killed himself in his mid forties leaving his wife and 8 children. He was able to interview a variety of people who knew his father in a variety of capacities: his wife, Chris' siblings, other relatives and employers. A business associate who Eddie, the father, had spent a lot of time with said he had never mentioned that he had a family. Forham's own life story is woven throughout and reveals details about American life in the 60's and 70's. Solid and memorable.

[Laura Evelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a fantastic memoir. I found this book in a dollar store. Why it was there is a mystery. It intrigued me so I grabbed it. So glad I did. You couldn't read a truer account of growing up in dysfunction unless you lived it your self. Thank you Chris for the intimate look into the laying of your foundation.

[Pulse · Rating 4 out of 5]

(This review was done from reading an advanced copy received from a Goodreads giveaway).

Death. Loss. Grief. Suicide. The list of things that we humans, despite our propensity for words, hide is long. This is at the heart of Chris Forhan's memoir of the life of his father. Like big cities that are built on top of old ground, so too do new generations wipe away the old. From the beginning, though, it is apparent that pain persists, a curse passed down through generations, and I have a whole list of notes where this was evident in the memoir. You learn early on that Chris's father Ed killed himself one day, long after growing up, marrying, surviving war, having children, and gaining employment. He deals with a whole host of difficulties, but why? With suicide, it's easy for us to look back and see the pieces that we missed. Both Ed and his wife came from broken homes, and they became good Catholics, good, upstanding citizens, a model Leave It To Beaver family. But it's never that easy. Ed followed all the rituals and became the man he was supposed to be, but most of all he wasn't expressive.

These are things I have experience in too - losing a father, trying to live up to socially-prescribed traits, keeping feelings a secrets, so this is extra poignant to me. It is evident in Ed and his wife being shamed by being married in a smaller, more secretive location. This is evident in Chris letting his gerbil die because he kept its illness a secret. We all follow the rituals of society, and we are at odds with ourselves and our need for connection. Because of that, because Ed carries the weight of his parents and himself, his marriage begins to dissolve and he ultimately more burden to his children by a sudden death. I'm glad this memoir exists, though. Ed shouldn't be shamed; he should be understood. I'm glad that Chris wrote this, and he has such a balance of poetic description and evidence and mystery about his father's life, because although we've gotten much better at understanding our mistakes, we're still not there yet.

Please, read this and allow yourself to be touched. Choose understanding instead of judgment.

[Kelsey ■□■□■□■■□■□■□■□■□ · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I were to use one word to describe this book it would be genuine. The author does not look for pity and he does not exaggerate his tale. The author connects to the reader in revealing his thoughts and one can easily imagine themselves in his place. My Father Before me is relatable in every chapter and shows an insightful view of how one can choose to perceive the world.

[natalie walloch · Rating 5 out of 5]

sooo weird to learn about my family like this… ed was my great uncle 😆

[Billie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This memoir is about Chris Forhan's family of eight and the father that was seldom seen by the family. Forhan revisits this time in his life by looking at the family history, investigation of his father's death by suicide in 1973 and his childhood. It is a well written memoir. I received this complimentary copy from Goodreads Giveaways for a review expressing my own opinion.

[Jill · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were a few really great sentences, but otherwise I did not enjoy this book. The retold memories of childhood were very similar to my own, and perhaps that was why I found them so uninteresting. I think the author wrote the book to put to writing what was never said, but while probably cathartic for him it was not all that worthwhile to me.

[Craig Carr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written. It is a poignant story, well told and a walk back into the sixties.

[Diane Payne · Rating 3 out of 5]

The last two sections of the book were the best because that's when readers finally get to the answers the author is pondering about his father's suicide.

[Julie Barnard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having written my own story of my father and his family, I found this very interesting, though very different from my own.

[Sherri Thacker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would never have normally picked out this book to read but after reading some of the reviews on Goodreads, I decided to give it a try. Book was very touching and heartfelt throughout.

[Sarah Ewald · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chris Forhan was just coming of age, at 14, when his father, just before Christmas 1973, hooked his car up to a hose, and fed the hose into the window, and started the car. It wasn't until morning when he was discovered. At age, of 44, he was gone and the trauma that it caused the family of 8 children was inconceivable.

Chris lays his family's problems bare, bravely exploring just how the family had come to this. He spends the first half of the book looking at the ways that the families of both his mother and father were dysfunctional. Had his father's life been dealt a fatal blow when his own father abandoned his wife and children? Had the stoic religiosity of his mother's family led to words not being spoken?
In the second half of the book, he tells of how his own life took a turn for the worse, falling in with a bad crowd and his own propensity for dangerous behavior. He explore the ways in which each of his siblings struggled to come to terms with a family, broken by suicide.

This is a hard book to read, but it ends on a note of hope, as he talks to his own children...determined not to be as absent and distant has his own father had been to him.

"I am sitting in my office at home, squinting at the computer screen, fingers hovering above the keys. I've been at this for hours, adrift in the riddle of my long-dead, distant father, wondering how to decipher him, wondering how to imagine my way into his life through language. 'Daddy?' The voice comes from behind me. 'Daddy?'
'Just a minute.'
'Daddy?' It's Milo, my five year old.
I keep my eyes on the screen. 'Give me a minute. I'm working.'
No, No. I lower my fingers from the keyboard and turn around. Milo's eyes are dark, his brow furrowed.
'Come on up.' I reach toward him, hook my hands beneath his arms and lift him onto my lap. 'Sorry, buddy. What's your question? What is it you want to know?'"

[Mary K · Rating 2 out of 5]

How can you write a book about someone for whom you have little emotional attachment? Granted, Forhan writes about his father 40 years after his father died, but I didn’t sense even that much curiosity about his dad’s death, much less a haunted, disturbed past.

The title and prologue about his father’s suicide seem to be a ploy for writing about his own life, and there was little interesting about it.

99% of dads in the 50s and 60s were detached from their families and into their careers. Nothing heartbreaking or evocative there. And while I don’t want to play psychiatrist, it sounds like his dad reached a point in life where he lost his reason (his career failed) to live.

I think the author should have abandoned this book when he realized he had little to search for and even less to discover.

[Marisa Gonzalez · Rating 3 out of 5]

A memoir from poet Chris Forhan about his father's suicide at the young age of 44. He seeks to find the truth of why it happened and how his father could leave behind a wife of 24 years and 8 children. I thought this book was interesting but too long. It should have ended after the father's death and the letters from each child with an epilogue about what happened to the author's life afterward. Instead it went on and on about the author's life with no more insight about what really happened with his dad. I ended up skimming the last couple of chapters. This one was ok but I wouldn't recommend it.

[Darla Ebert · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well-written, starkly moving account of a family torn very nearly apart by the father's mental and physical illness. It gives a keyhole view in to generational misbehavior (abandonment, immorality, neglect and insulated family members) family who keep too private what should be shared and explained, particularly to the children forced to live in through these circumstances. I was riveted to this memoir and learned enough to use in future when speaking with other broken people.

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written, of particular interest to me because the author is the same age as me and because he writes about his childhood in Seattle. As a current resident of the Pacific Northwest, it was interesting to read about life in Seattle back in the 1950s thru 1980s. Because the author and I grew up during the same time period, I was constantly comparing my life on the east coast with his on the west coast. However, our family lives were very different.

[Eve · Rating 5 out of 5]

so grateful i stumbled upon chris forhan's poetry in a used bookstore four years ago because this memoir was one of the most beautiful things i've read. a review on the back cover says "on any single page of this remarkable memoir there are more honest insights than in entire books on the same subject" and it's true. i wanted to underline so many things but it's a library book so i had to restrain myself. chris forhan, the poet that you are....

[Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author covers a difficult subject concerning his father's suicide, as well as his childhood among a large family in a rigid, unemotional, uncommunicative, Catholic household. It is poignant, expressive, and heartbreaking at times. I felt melancholy reading this book as I could identify with several aspects of the author's childhood.

[Creston Mapes · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well-written, sad non-fiction book about a Catholic family with 8 children, based in Seattle - father eventually commits suicide. Haunting. Intriguing. The father had diabetes, but also mental health problems, gambling addiction, and other question marks. Thought-provoking.

[Jen · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF. The book is a sad story about a guy whose father wasn't always present and his grandparents.a few parts were good. Mostly I had trouble wanting to keep reading it. The stories go back and forth between grandparents and parents. Multiple stories that aren't the same in one chapter.

[Monica Casanova · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beautiful memoir about a traumatic childhood event. I love that the author is a professor at Butler.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

So good. His childhood story is more skillfully told than is his early adulthood, and I can't figure out why, but the poet shines through in all of it. Well done.

[Chad Swearengen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This a very well written book. It paints a beautiful picture of the roughness and the heartache of being a part of a family..

[Brenda · Rating 3 out of 5]

What do you say to someone whose parent committed suicide? My heart goes out to the author. I hope that writing this book helped.