When your Child is 6 to 12: Middle Childhood Is The Last Good Chance To Hold Your Child Close

by John M. Drescher

We've been over-run with child-rearing manuals for infants. We've been swamped with advice for relating to teens. But little has been offered to parents whose children are in middle childhood!

John. M. Drescher, a wise voice in the field of parenting literature (whose books have sold more than 400,000 copies), addresses particular delights and difficulties of this stage in a child's life. Chapters

All parents need help, and this small, smart, thoughtful handbook will give it to you, just when your boy or girl reaches a new stage of life.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

96 pages, Paperback

First published December 31, 1969

Reviews

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A short, very practical and wise parenting book. This book’s premise is that the ages of 6-12 are the most opportune time to build into and teach your children through your words and actions. I found this book to be challenging and helpful and encouraging.

At times it seems a bit dated as it was written in the 90s. Parents finding their own value by bragging about their kids’ accomplishments in the newspaper can be replaced by parents doing this on social media. Things like that. The issues are sadly the same, just a different medium or expression.

I’ll try to read this every year while I have kids in this age range, just to keep my focus on where it should be.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5-4 stars

This isn’t my favorite parenting book ever (the writing style is a bit dry, and it definitely feels abbreviated since it’s so short), but there were some really good little tidbits in here, especially on things that are important to provide in middle childhood before children start to pull away and differentiate themselves a bit as teens—physical affection, family time and trips, listening to them, letting them be themselves and pursue interests and develop competence, and providing a good example by your own behavior in what you hope your child will be.

[Amelia Hawkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

The writing style was lackluster and often repetitive, but this book was filled with wisdom. I love the middle years of childhood and thoroughly enjoyed teaching students of these ages. I look forward to my own children being elementary aged. It’s peak childhood. Drescher made many good points, but I think the main one was to express lots of love to your children and spend lots of quality time with them in order to build a relationship that will last that allows you to impart life wisdom to them. It was an encouraging read with a lot of good points and decent backing. I just wish it were better written and edited.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got a tremendous amount out of the first half, though it hasn't been my experience with this age that "...the child, on the whole, seems cooperative, wants to please..."

It had a lot I needed to hear, more like a wake-up call than a how-to. I appreciated the insights though, and did not feel depressed or defeated as a parent. I feel I would benefit from frequently rereading parts to be reminded of the importance of this age span of childhood.

[Vanessa S · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good info, but it feels disorganized and jumbled together. It also feels a bit dated, but again the info is good.

[Taylor Lent · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short, thoughtful book about middle childhood. A lot is written about the baby & teen years - but little on middle childhood.
The author suggests that these years are a sweet spot in childhood when children are usually very agreeable & still highly value their parents thoughts & morals. He concludes that parents should capitalize during these years to grow deeper relationships with their children before they move into their teenage years.

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting research, some things I will be implementing and thinking about. Some of it was a like dry, but overall short and sweet

[Lauren Dick]

Short and straightforward. Some good ideas to be intentional during these fun middle years.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm about half way through this book and absolutely in love with it! It is a short, quick read. The sub-title is: Middle childhood is the last good chance to hold your child close. I couldn't agree more! (Not that you can't do this later, but that you should take advantage of and make the most of this developmental stage.) This book goes on to tell how and why you should to that. Definitely from a Christian perspective but gives reasoning from a world view as well.

The chapters and topics are:
1. Parents' Last Great Opportunity
Holding your child
Spendin time with your child
Instilling values
reading to your child
teaching the facts of sex
2. Characteristics of Middle Childhood
A Latency period
the need for affection
the child's emotional growth
the need for encouragement
active and noisy
a sense of industry and competence the smart age
the need to belong
the need to discuss ideas and do things together
a love of adventure
the need for rules
3. Guided by Imitation
the age of imitation
the power of example
model Don't order
a sense of selfhood
identity
adequacy
worth
4. Development of Conscience
Conscience takes shape
developing a strong conscience
what about rules now?
Proper motivation for obedience
the goal
spiritual dimensions
three parables
5. Development of Dependability
Encourage the child's own resourcefulness
trust with small projects early
catching their parents' spirit
point out a child's dependability
regular chores
shared experiences
beware of unreasonable demands
organized groups can help
the place of praise
give the child a choice
6. The Demise of Childhood
let children be children
unreal and hurtful
pressure at other places
why all the pressure?
reaching for a remedy
examine family values

[Ylva · Rating 4 out of 5]

Paints a really sweet picture of your 6-12 year old and reminds you that even though the children are so easy at this stage it is a mistake to not invest as heavily as before since time spent together now is irreplaceable and sets up such a strong foundation for the parents child relationship. Wonderful reinforcing read, especially as we bypass the typical overscheduled plan.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short, practical parenting book, in which I highlighted loads. The premise is that 6 to 12 is the most opportune time in parenting to affect our children through our words and deeds. I will definitely be re-reading and reminding myself of parts of this.

[Rodger · Rating 2 out of 5]

The reason I rated this low is that it is full of generalities about behavior for children that age that depend on temperament. These generalities are not true for all children and there is no acknowledgement of different temperaments.

The end of the book has a chapter by chapter list of questions for discussion. I like this format as it is a good summary of the key points. I'll address some of these questions here.

Chapter 2
"3. Some might question whether children in middle childhood love to please parents and other adults. How do you evaluate this statement?" P. 90

I think that may be true for some, but not all children.
The book Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child discusses temperaments, citing that about 10% of kids are strong willed and don't have that desire to please. They're not broken, just different.
Also, the book The Four Tendencies shows that a minority of people are questioners and rebels - and don't respond to expectations for the sake of someone having an expectation.

Unrelated to this question, here's a good quote in this section:
"...the preadolescent child has the memory of an elephant for things that strike the child's interest." P. 36

Chapter 3
"1. During the first five years, a child is primarily guided through regulation. The child who does not learn rules will probably always struggle or search for boundaries. During middle childhood the primary way of guidance is through imitation. Discuss the difference and the implications." P. 91

The way the above question was written lacks consideration that strong willed children learn differently. I thought that the concept of learning through imitation was interesting. Similarly noteworthy is another concept it introduced that encouragement is very important for this age.

"In the child's development from newborn to toddler, to preschooler and then to school-age, the parent's role changes from care-giver, to protector, to nurturer, and then to encourager... studies are clear that encouragement seems to be the best corrective influence on behavior during this period." P. 32

Chapter 4
"3. Do you agree that many youth want firmer discipline? Are parents afraid of their children, or why do parents shy away from expecting obedience?" P. 92

While the example given affirms this can be true sometimes, I disagree with the generality. Again, I think the book overlooks children with more complex temperaments. I don't think it's fair to assume that parents fear their children or don't teach obedience.

"4. Do you agree that the middle years are the time to put more and more responsibility for discipline into the hands of the child so that the child will assume personal and proper responsibility later on? How is this done? Could children be part of establishing family rules and the consequences for broken rules?" P. 92

That is the ideal, but whether this is successful depends on how well the child responds with responsibility. Here are some quotes from this chapter:

"To have a strong conscience means to have such a clear idea of what is right or wrong that it controls behavior." P. 55

"The home is the place to help children develop these inner responses and strengths so that they can learn to fly." P. 60

Chapter 5
Neat parable of scenarios walking a child to his father. P. 62

Chapter 6
Best quote in the book:
"Our children need from us the opportunity for experiences that they are capable of handling, our assurance that we are there to encourage them, and our acceptance of their efforts without belittling them." P. 76

[Kori Wissmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Respect for others is also developed at home. This attitude grows by observing how parents speak to the salesperson who comes to the house, how they speak to the clerk at the store, or how they speak over the telephone or with a neighbor. Attitudes toward people and issues are reflected in family discussions about others and about the needs of the community and the world.”

“Our lives as parents must be consistent with what we teach, because example will be the final confirmation of what we say.”

“When children see the place the spiritual has in their parents’ lives, they are inclined to seek it as well. When children see parents happy in their spiritual lives, they receive a deep and indelible impression.”

[Abbey Phipps · Rating 4 out of 5]

Decent book. I don’t feel like I learned anything profound but it was a quick and pleasant read. There were some interesting parts that talked about how your child's brain is developing in this stage - I liked that. The rest of the book was fine, but I felt like I already knew a lot of it - the conscience is developing, your child will imitate you, etc.

The last chapter, though - WOW! This book was published 31 years ago and Drescher is spot on for what we're seeing today. Childhood is rushed. We expect too much of children. We are closing the door to childhood too soon, pushing them to succeed and win and be brilliant when they just need to play and be a child. The greatest gift we can give our kids in this stage is a childhood - pure, simple, free.

[Bethany Beasley]

“A sense of worth is created when a parent has time to listen to a child. It grows when parents recognize the child’s unique interests and gifts. It develops when the child is allowed to be an active person in family life.”

“the natural and most effective way to teach is through the experiences of every day. …We teach all day long by the way we live—what we speak about, how we answer the questions of our children, by the very pictures on the walls of our houses, by the responses parents make about and to others, and by the way parents pray and commit themselves to God for the day and at the close of the day.”

[Sarah Loft · Rating 2 out of 5]

I started this book ages ago...I think it must have been a recommendation at the time.

There were some helpful reminders and more importantly it prompted some good and helpful self-reflection. However, it felt more like a students essay than a professor's research. By this I mean, the author quotes other authors, but I didn't really find the claims it made to be grounded in evidence-based research.

I was also a little frustrated about the lack of transparency (more for others than myself). This book has a Christian worldview, yet doesn't openly make that clear, it simply becomes apparent part way through reading.

[Lucas Nosal · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some really good stuff, and some stuff that either wasn't helpful or that I didn't agree with. The first half on the importance of the age range 6-12 was spectacular. There were also many helpful reminders about how to engage children at this age and make them feel loved and confident. Overall, I was glad a read the book, but with all the good stuff on parenting out there, it wouldn't be a go to recommendation.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was fine: a concise summary of good parenting techniques. Not a lot of depth or detail. In my own summary, it seemed like many of the downfalls of parenting during middle childhood addressed in this book come from treating your child too much like an adult and not enough like a child who is still much in need of the things younger children need, such as praise, affection, consistency, etc

Interested to read longer, more in-depth books on this transitional stage.

[Ashley Urke · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy to read book with lots of good reminders to stop what I’m doing and spend time with my child. Easier said than done in our busy preoccupied society. This book offered some simple and tangible ways to connect with my child in the middle years. A little intentionality can go a long way in preserving the relationship and instilling our family values.

[Heather Jacobsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent little book that I read twice. Once when my son was six and again now that he is ten. I highly recommend it. It’s full of great reminders on how to be a loving supportive parent.

[Paige Benzing · Rating 4 out of 5]

the subtitle alone makes me want to cry in denial, but overall, this was a great short read on how to maximize your relationship with your kids before it’s “too late”. some good reminders and some good new ideas!

[Jessica Craft · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars Short but informative!

[Susanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of anecdotes (reflective of the time) and not a lot of citations 🙃

[Jessi Hairston · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great practical advice for the stage where parenting feels easy.

[Beverly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good practical tips for the ages 6-12. Good takeaways. The end was the most helpful.

[Jessie · Rating 5 out of 5]

More needs to be written on this stage of childhood. I really enjoyed this short read.

[Betsy Shafer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good practical, common sense, Christian perspective. Easy to listen to while driving.

[Becki]

Synopsis from B&N: We've been over-run with child-rearing manuals for infants. We've been swamped with advice for relating to teens. But little has been offered to parents whose children are in middle childhood! John. M. Drescher, a wise voice in the field of parenting literature whose books have sold more than 400,000 copies.\nI don�t quite know how I feel about this book. I have two dear step-daughters who both fall smack in the middle of that age range at eight and ten.\nMaybe I�m too hard-core. Or maybe I�m too old school. I don�t know. However, while this book mentioned in passing that you should discipline them, it doesn�t go into how to do so effectively. Instead it focuses more heavily on the warm fuzzies of self-esteem, encouragement, praise, etc. It goes so far as to say that you shouldn�t tell this age child what to do; instead you should simply model it. \nWhile I believe that you should model the behavior you expect, I think you have to say it too. They are just not observing you enough (especially as they get to the older end of the range) to pick up everything they need. That�s why children at this age are cognitively and emotionally self-absorbed. Instruction needs to be more explicit at times.\nI have issues with the whole �need to preserve their self-esteem� mantra in general. I don�t give my students grades that will best support their self-esteem (despite what some parents would prefer). I give them the grades their work earns them. I believe there should be sports for fun. However, I also believe if you play competitively, there have to be winners and losers. That�s a life lesson and when better to learn it?\nI also fully support encouragement and praise. But there are also times when correction and redirection are needed. Sometimes your kid really screws up and there just isn�t anything to praise in that situation. You shouldn�t make something up � that is modeling dishonesty.\nSo while there were some good things in the book, I think some balance is called for.\n\n

[Jodi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Picked this book up off the free shelf at the library and while it was not an earth-shattering read, it had some good reminders and affirmations for me. I loved the reminder in the book for parents to read aloud to their children at this age and for as long as the children will allow it! My children at 8 and 10 LOVE for me to read to them and I have been able to read a lot of great literature to them this way! As a teacher with a mater's in reading education, I can also attest the the importance of reading to your children at this age too - not only does it build enjoyable family bonds, it builds fluency, background knowledge and vocabulary! I also liked his comment about traveling with your children to provide them with a variety of life experiences. I do believe that travel is educational and while not everyone can afford to travel far from home, any type of travel to see things in your community to visiting landmarks in one's country can broaden a child's mind. I need to remember to provide more positive "strokes" as my children grow and enter into challenging areas!

[Tawnda Andrews · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall I enjoyed this book. Some parts felt repetitive, which is why I can't give a full 5. I have an 8 year old and I really appreciated the content and the many reminders that this time in her life is precious. Definitely a book to reread often.