Your Six-Year-Old: Loving and Defiant

by Louise Bates Ames, Frances L. Ilg

The six-year-old is a complex child, entirely  different from the five-year-old. Though many of the  changes are for the good -- Six is growing more mature, more independent, more daring and adventurous -- this is not necessarily an easy time for the little girl or boy. Relationships with mothers are troubled -- most of the time Six adores mother, but whenever things go wrong, it's her fault. It used to be, at Five, that she was the center of the child's universe; now, the child is the center of his own universe.

Parents need the expert advice of Drs. Ames and Ilg during this difficult  year, to explain parent-child relations, friendships with peers, what six-year-olds excel at, how they see the world, what it feels like to be entering the first grade. Children need patience and understanding to help make this transition easier.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Childrens, Adult

144 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1979

About the author

Louise Bates Ames was an American psychologist specializing in child development.[1] Ames was known as a pioneer of child development studies, introducing the theory of child development stages to popular discourse. Ames authored numerous internationally renowned books on the stages of child development, hosted a television show on child development, and co-founded the Gesell Institute of Child Development in New Haven, CT.

Ames's work found that children go through clear, discrete developmental phases based on age. She demonstrated that various age groups feature unique behavioral patterns, to be considered by parents and doctors in monitoring children's development. Perhaps the best-known legacy of her work was the coining of the term "Terrible Twos," to describe the rigid, conflict-laden behavioral patterns of two-year-olds.

Reviews

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've never been one to consult so-called "parenting books" and this is not one of those, per se. As my daughter neared the age of 6, I found her behaviors to be increasingly vexing and our relationship started to deteriorate rapidly. I felt like I didn't know her anymore, as I did not understand the causes or motivations behind her most frustrating actions (or inactions).

This book is slightly outdated (the section on discouraging boys and girls from playing together was particularly useless in my opinion), but offers up marvelous insight into why six-year-olds can literally love you to pieces one minute and hate your guts the next. A lot of time is devoted to exploring the six-year-old's relationship with his or her mother, which is helpful to me, of course. Not much help for dads here, as they're pretty much written off as not being around enough to help out with the children. LOL!

I would highly recommend this book to anyone looking to gain some insight into the self-centered world of the six-year-old - it really was worth the read.

[Kerri · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has some useful information and helpful tidbits that transcend time, such as the advice that one need not phase out the pre-bedtime protein snack, such as cheese, just yet. However, most of the advice and examples are very dated and oddly phrased, such as the admonition to separate Father and Six at the dinner table allowing Six to sit next to Mother in case of spills, restlessness, etc. It is a very short read and the bottom line is that all the silliness, emotional outburts, restlessnes, inability follow direction consistently and agreeably, etc. is absolutely normal and will be much more manageable going into age seven. I just wish someone would write a new set of these books based by year that acknowledges the facts of the modern world - such as that children go to all day kindergarden at five and that pawning them off on Grandma when frustrated probably won't work as she is likely to be employed.

[Beth A. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was written in 1979. But I haven't seen a more recent book that so specifically describes approximate age related behaviors and how they relate to discipline issues.

Ames' writing is easy to read. It's gentle, kind, and compassionate, reminding me to be, too.

Apparently six is a difficult age. I was surprised and relieved to find out that this is normal.

- Technique number one: Praise
- Counting
- Time periods until a task is done
- Sidestep defiance
- Give as few direct commands as possible
- Give in… “Well, OK, I guess it really doesn’t make that much difference.”
- Isolation, removing child from scene, or separating two of you from each other.
- Ignoring. It’s “best not to notice every naughty thing [your:] child does. Some really dangerous behaviors must be checked. But there are other things you really don’t like which probably do not actually do major harm. .. Since punishment, though often deserved, does not do much to improve behavior at Six, perhaps the less of it the better.”

The two books I have read by Ames were very similar. I am not sure if that is because the two ages are similar (two and six), or if they are all the same, basically sidestepping confrontation and trying to get compliance in other ways. This advice is difficult for me to swallow with my six year old. I’m a little afraid he’ll turn into a holy terror without parental strictness.

[Cynthia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good grief, what a perfect title. I'm dying here people. Having a six year old alternates between having a pet spider monkey who professes their constant undying love for you and a sullen grumpy teen who wants to be 30 already. She's brilliant and can master nearly every task and I'm learning that the more freedom, the more confidence and control of her emotions, but that's after I talk her out of trying to drive the car. The good news, according to Bates Ames is that this period will make adolescence easier, more manageable. Or maybe thats her way of getting saps like me to hold onto a shred of hope....

[KeAnne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helped me feel like I wasn't raising a psychopath

[Ashlee · Rating 2 out of 5]

If, like me, you’re into the history and culture of motherhood and thus have a thing for retro parenting books, read this, originally published in 1979, as well as the whole series, as a window onto 1970s childrearing. You’ll find fascinating bits of advice like how one can test their child’s readiness for grade 1 (and kindergarten for that matter) by seeing if he (always he) can walk 4 blocks in the neighbourhood by himself.

Just don’t read it for actual parenting tips. The deeper you get into the series, the more surrounding culture creeps in, and some of the advice is predictably toxic or just plain bad. Got an effeminate son? Don’t worry, he probably just needs more time with his dad! Daughter wants to call a boy in her class all the time? Never too early to explain that in our culture, *girls do best not to call boys*. Throwing a birthday party? Obviously start by opening the presents first!

3 stars as a cultural artifact, 1 star for applicable advice, 2 stars overall. Another reviewer mentioned they should update this series for modern parents. I’d be interested! But keep the problematic 70s version for the cultural studies dorks among us.

[Christie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd quote the whole book here if I had enough time and space and it wasn't illegal to do so.

This book quite accurately describes exactly what Hen is like right now. Unfortunately, age six is when kids pull away from their primary caregiver, who up to this point has been the center of their lives, and start placing themselves in the center. During this time of transition, the child often finds it difficult to make a decision - they do but they don't, they can but they can't - this sort of thing. As if this wasn't already enough to drive you out of your parental mind, they are moody, aggressive, etc. Thank goodness, this type of behavior is generally reserved for their main caregivers. This at least means when they are out of your care, they are most likely well-behaved.

Perhaps most appreciated is the list of techniques one can use to try and curb the disruptive, unpleasant behavior.

1. Praise - No matter how difficult it may be, try to find a particular aspect of the day and your child's behavior that you can praise.

2. Chances - If at first the child refuses or ignores a request, acknowledge that this is a difficult moment and that more than one chance might be needed in order to get things done. For instance, when a child tells you he won't do something, instead of becoming combative, try saying, "I guess you're going to need three chances on this one."

3. Counting - You give your child a simple request. They do nothing. You say, "And let's see if you can do that before I count to ten." I used this with great success.

4. Sidestep - Instead of meeting defiance head-on, change the subject or situation. Give as few commands as possible to avoid setting yourself up for a combative confrontation. If you need something done, make an indirect request.

5. Bargain - Don't overuse this one or you may appear weak. But break it out when needed. A good response for constant pestering is to offer a given reward for a completed daily task.

6. Give in - For those moments when you find yourself battling over something insignificant, you can say, "Well, I guess it doesn't really matter," and let him win one.

I will absolutely be checking out her next age book as Hen's birthday approaches so I know what to expect.

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

These Ames and Ilg books are by far the most useful parenting books I have read. Actually, they aren't about parenting, they are about child development. But learning that my children's annoying habits are merely a developmental phases AND that they will pass is incredibly helpful.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best series!! So reassuring with practical advice

[DChristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick easy read, this book was published in 1979 and the series still sits on our bookshelves from when our kids were young. No doubt, there have been advances in the research into child behavior since then, but I've found the information to describe our six-year old granddaughter, not 100%, but pretty accurate. The Epilogue describes a child at this age: "Nobody, but nobody, will ever be as much fun or as much trouble to you as your lively, lovely difficult Six-year-old." I don't know about the trouble part, since the teenage years are still to come, but these traits ring a bell: lively, lovely, bossy, smart, anxious, shy, wonderful, demanding, inventive, curious and quick to freak out. They are also generally good with their teachers and hard on their parents! The information and descriptions are helpful - particularly for the times when I'm tempted to lose my patience and compassion. This book reminds me of how difficult it is to be growing up (at any age!).

[Chloe (Always Booked) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well this is definitely outdated with gender roles and other things that are less applicable to kids these days, but I did like reading about some of the struggles of a six year old. The authors are very transparent about the fact that every kid goes through phases at different ages so the age brackets are generalizations but I could definitely see some of the things applying to my 6 year old. This isn't gospel, but it was interesting. It didn't 100% apply, but it did normalize some things.

[Sidney · Rating 2 out of 5]

2/5 - had to read this book for school. It was a nice/digestible way to read about the developmental progress of a 6 year old, and I learned a lot (which is the ONLY reason it gets 2 stars)

As you can probably imagine, this book being written in 1979 means it didn’t age all that well for the non-developmental aspects… aka it was sexist af

“It’s fair to say that the typical Six-year-old is a rather sexy individual…” is an insane quote.

[Emily E. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very outdated, but also very encouraging. Helped me to realize my struggles with my six year old are normal, and I got some ideas about making our day to day life go a little more smoothly considering her age and development.

[Charity · Rating 5 out of 5]

All of the books in this series are very informative, good for setting baseline expectations as my kids grow up. There are always one or two good "parenting tricks" in them that work well with my kids. And, as a bonus, there are lots of dated 1979 references that make me laugh.

[Monica Sheldon]

Interesting, but hilariously out-of-date. Written in 1979, it includes things like constitutional psychology (a defunct 1940s theory correlating body type with temperament) and quaint asides like "At mealtimes, when things are so very likely to go wrong ... the path of wisdom is to have your child sit beside Mother and as far from Father as the size of the table permits.

I think I'm going to start a new category of fascinatingly out-of-date books.

[Kirsten · Rating 4 out of 5]

For a long time, I felt my oldest was going through was I called cycles, periods of ups followed by a crashing period of downs. Both would last for months. I could see the down cycle coming, but was powerless to do anything about it. A great teacher at my daughter's preschool recommended this series of books. They could do with a lot of updating, but in basics, the pattern of a child's development really hasn't changed since when these books were published. I'm only a few pages in and I've already had several Eureka moments, so that's what was going on, etc. Now I'm trying to get ahead of the game before my oldest turns 6. Of course, you can't change the course of their development, but it's so nice to know what may be coming up next.

[Monique · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a relief to read this and know we're not alone in dealing with a completely vexing six year old! The authors are right on the money --and most of it rings true even though the book was written a number of years ago. I highly recommend it for parents of 6 year olds and parents of 5 year olds (so you know what's coming). The book is logical, sincere, *not* preachy and very often funny. A quick read, too (which is great because parents of 6 year olds don't have much time or energy for reading long, tedious tomes on child rearing.) Read it! You won't regret it.

[Nikki Morse · Rating 2 out of 5]

All of these books are simple and old-fashioned, but this is the first one where the balance between that and the positive info about kids was negative. The gender narrative was way harder hitting, maybe because the kids they are talking about are getting older. This one included the instruction that girls should be taught that it's boys who do the calling. I mean, c'mon. This might be the last one I read.

[Julie G · Rating 4 out of 5]

The pressures and influences on children may change from decade to decade, but the study of the cognitive, physical and intellectual growth varies little. This is an easy-to-read and helpful guide, and the pictures of the six-year-olds, circa 1979, add to the wholesome and, at times, "retro" quality of the book. I had many of the same haircuts and clothes!

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm amazed at how accurate this book is--it described many of my six-year-old daughter's current behaviors to a tee. The authors are careful to include as many variations as they can, and to point out that every child is different--but still, it was interesting to see how my child fit the profile.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

DEFIANCE!
Least favorite part of 6 year olds. I heart these books so much.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

My go-to parenting guide series for understanding what behaviors are "typical" as my children grow up.

This volume helped me appreciate that while my six-year-old is a bit of a hot mess, that's typical and while he may be prone to breakdowns, he's also glad to be the life of the party, so I should look for situations where he can shine.

I really wish the Gesell Institute would update these. They're wonderful, but you have to do so much reading through the lense of 35+ years of changing culture to tease out the good parts.

Still, most of this was good and it was really only the chapter on school readiness that screamed this was written in a completely different generation (1st-graders don't have to be reading yet, but they should be able to walk to a familiar location a few blocks away all by themselves).

Despite the age, the ultimate nuggets of understanding of developmental ages is solid and I think I'll continue to use these as my kids grow.

[Courtney Novak · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was published in 1979 and as you might expect, it is a bit outdated at times, especially when it comes to gender (both differences between mom and dad and things about boys playing with “feminine” toys possibly being a problem.) but for the most part, I found the book helpful and I was often nodding along, assured that my daughter’s behavior is typical for a 6 year old. I can adjust my expectations now and stop losing my mind over things like how she must win every game and how she seems to overreact when I brush her hair. I ordered the three year old book so I can now adjust my expectations for my 3 year old son. I imagine I’ll be reading all the books in this series over the next few years!

[Sherain · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read most of the books in this series up to the age of six and find them very useful. It doesn’t help with managing problem behaviour, but it lets you know what is normal at this specific age. I can’t tell you how helpful that it. I have found that practically all troubling behaviour I encounter - is age specific. It also explains how different body types act at this age.
It may be dated in terms of cover and when it was written, but the information and their thinking about schooling is progressive.

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eerily accurate about so many behaviors I’ve seen with my own six year old, and thus very reassuring to realize that many of our current struggles are part of natural developmental patterns. This book is a product of its time, though, and hasn’t aged well. There’s some bizarre pseudo-science linking body types and personality, as well as a whole lot of gender stereotypes and homophobia. The parenting techniques recommended are at odds with today’s gentle parenting/discipline. Worth a read, but only with a critical eye.

[Abe · Rating 5 out of 5]

It helps to understand

We have been at our wits end with our six year old. We often felt that perhaps she (or we) needed therapy. Surely this kind of behavior couldn't be normal, right? But after reading this book we're much reassured that our little one is actually pretty normal for six. And knowing that makes it easier to take. And this wonderful book provides some exceptional tips for loving with six year olds and not losing your mind.

[Cassi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love this series. I started with the 2 yo one and then skipped to the 6yo book, but both times it was measly helpful! The cultural parenting norms are out of date (great throw back to our parents and grandparents), but the child behaviors and general sense about how to react is soo helpful. Now when my 6yo yells at me or The Best Husband Ever, or defies his teacher, I can laugh - and apply an appropriate consequence without going nuclear.

[Sharon Falduto]

Somewhat reassuring facts about the average 6 year old, including their tendency to be clumsy, clingy, and competitive. Also some rather outdated advice (the book is copyright 1979) about how "Girls don't call boys." There's also a completely bizarre suggestion that after a birthday party each child be sent home with a small goody, like "a live turtle." No one had better send a live turtle home with my child, ever!

[Jo · Rating 1 out of 5]

Look, I loved this book at first. It’s great to figure out if your kid is doing things normally or if they’re a social monster, particularly during a pandemic.

Then I got to a section on sex. Not once but multiple times they remarked on how sexy a 6-year-old is. I’m sex-positive and open with my kid, but at no point have I thought that any six year old is sexy. There is a big difference acknowledging that six year olds are sexually curious and calling them sexy. Lost all credibility with me.

[Simon · Rating 3 out of 5]

don't ask me WHY i read this. just know it's a little silly to read in 2024 because it's like 50 years old almost and it's got some truly archaic ideas of family dynamics (mother vs father, etc), but i still trust that they're right about the temperament of children.

i feel the need to disclose that i am writing something featuring a child character and i do not interact with children so this is the best i can get to make sure i'm not writing them totally incorrectly.