Your Two-Year-Old: Terrible or Tender

by Louise Bates Ames

Are two-year-olds really so terrible, or does the world have a slightly skewed view of this sometimes difficult, sometimes adorable lot? Drs. Ames and Ilg, recognized worldwide as authorities on child behavior and development, offer parents practical advice and enlightening psychological insights on children this age.
 
What are two-year-old girls and boys thinking and feeling? How do they see others around them? With humor and compassion, the authors describe the general characteristics of these complex their physical growth trends, their emotional and psychological maturation. Also included are insights into how two-year-olds behave with family and other children, and advice on how to handle them, as well as tings to avoid.
 
Included in this
• A two-year-old’s view of the world—and himself
• Bath and dressing routines
• Sex differences
• Stories from real life
• A list of age-appropriate toys and books
• A bibliography for parents
 
“Louise Bates Ames and her colleagues synthesize a lifetime of observation of children, consultation, and discussion with parents. These books will help parents to better understand their children and will guide them through the fascinating and sometimes trying experiences of modern parenthood.”—Donald J. Cohen, M.D., Director, Yale Child Study Center, Irving B. Harris Professor of Child Psychiatry, Pediatrics, and Psychology, Yale School of Medicine

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Education, Childrens, Relationships, Self Help

160 pages, Paperback

First published August 15, 1976

About the author

Louise Bates Ames was an American psychologist specializing in child development.[1] Ames was known as a pioneer of child development studies, introducing the theory of child development stages to popular discourse. Ames authored numerous internationally renowned books on the stages of child development, hosted a television show on child development, and co-founded the Gesell Institute of Child Development in New Haven, CT.

Ames's work found that children go through clear, discrete developmental phases based on age. She demonstrated that various age groups feature unique behavioral patterns, to be considered by parents and doctors in monitoring children's development. Perhaps the best-known legacy of her work was the coining of the term "Terrible Twos," to describe the rigid, conflict-laden behavioral patterns of two-year-olds.

Reviews

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this--albeit somewhat outdated--series. There's nothing revolutionary in here, but it's a reassuring voice that tells you what your irrational little critter is going through. Unlike other parenting books that are packed with more information than you need (thorough lists of equipment, possible meals, etc.), this one focuses solely on your two yo's mental and emotional life and how it affects you. A quick read that gave me an extra dose of empathy.

[Beth A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was written in 1976. I was 4. But I haven't seen a more recent book that so specifically describes approximate age related behaviors and how they relate to discipline issues.
Ames' writing is easy to read. It's gentle, kind, and compassionate, reminding me to be, too.

I laughed when Ames described that one of two year olds favorite games is putting their dolls or stuffed animals to bed. I often see my daughter spreading a favorite blanket over her stuffed animal babies.

She describes some of her favorite techniques "tricks" for two year olds.

- Use their dependence on rituals, for example, at bedtime. But be sure a make it simple because the slightest variation can be upsetting.

- Avoid ultimatums. "You have to pick up all your toys before dinner." This sets you up to "be stuck with trying to push through an order." She says it's better to say "Let's pick up toys now." and do it together. Another example is "We'll go out to play just as soon as we've picked up." Notice the "we"? Actual parent picking up is implied here.

- Using questions rather than commands can encourage compliance. "Where do the blocks go?"

- If something must be done, then be firm. I guess this is kind of a pick your battles attitude, although she doesn't use that phrase.

- Try to avoid head on clashes. Use diversion, distraction, or a change of scene. This doesn't mean give in, just distract while, for example, dressing a child who does not want to be dressed.

- Sometimes actions speak better that words, like leading a child to the bathroom instead of arguing about if they have to go or not.

- She says giving choices works with some children this age, but can often backfire because they have difficulty making decisions. If you do give choices in may be helpful to know that children this age often choose the last choice.

I enjoyed this book and thought it was full of good advice, although definitely on the lenient side.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Overall, I found this book to be outdated. The characteristics of two-year-olds are relatively constant, so that part was interesting. But, for example, potty training techniques and timing have changed a lot, so this book wasn't helpful in that regard. Also, one part about needing a stern word from Father to get toddlers to stay in bed was eye roll-worthy.

[Nadine in NY Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read several of these back when I was a new mother. They were interesting! And I keep forgetting the author so I'm checking this one off as "read" so I can find it next time I search my shelves.

[Katherine Wilkins Bienkowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m pretty sure the answer is Terrible.

This book was helpful in that it revealed that my terrible 2.5-year-old is just normal in her terribleness (by terrible I obviously don’t mean that she’s mean and jerky to the degree that my SO and I exchange meaningful looks of horror and astonishment behind her back; I simply mean she’s learning/growing/adapting and that is hard work that shows in each “NO! I DON’T LIKE YOU! YOU CAN’T TALK TO ME!” outburst and each time she tries to subtly push a kid twice her size out of line with her head).

This book was entertaining/horrifying in its 1976-ness: each mother is at home, each Father has a firm voice when he comes home from work, it is recommended that car seats are typically put in the back seat instead of the front, and a doctor (not one of the writers) puts an active, mischievous two-and-a-half-year-old on tranquilizers THREE TIMES A DAY. Tranquilizers. And the writers’ advice to this mother was: get a babysitter as often as possible; lock stuff up so she can’t break it or poison herself; and maybe try a different dose of the tranquilizers.

[Maggie Hagerman]

An interesting window into classic 1970s parenting advice written by developmental psychologists. Obviously, the book is now outdated and there is a lot to roll your eyes at, especially re: gender and all the things Mother needs to do. 😂 But that was part of the fun for me in reading this—seeing what about parenting advice (and child development altogether) has changed culturally over time and what has stayed the same. That said, and issues aside, there was certainly more useful information here about 2 year old behavior than on any of the ridiculous Mommy Instagram pages of today!

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it comforting.

[Praveen M N · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although the book does give some very good pointers to take you through the journey as a 2 year's parent. But as a father, the book falls short. Because this is an old book, released in 1976, the authors and the thoughts are archaic.

The father is very rarely mentioned, and it's the mother who has to change her ways, should find some other mothers who will baby sit. The mother should not lose heart and be patient and yada, yada.. the father comes in the picture rarely, to be stern and serious. (*Facepalm*)

And further as an Indian, I have a feeling that there are quite a few things in the book which are very specific to an American family. So that was bit of a turn down too.

That said it also tells you a lot of things as to how at 2.5 yrs the kid likes to keep things where they are and how he likes a routine. Lot of pointers on how to not feel guilty and that it's okay to be mean to your kids in some situations. At multiple locations it's quite reassuring. But if you were looking for a parenting book for the age of 'terrible two' I wouldn't recommend this book as the first.

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

It took me almost two months to read this because it was non-fiction and not terribly insightful.
I did enjoy the things that were totally backwards from today like when she suggested buckling your toddler up in the backseat because some toddlers can be distracting to the driver but on the other hand the front seat allows the child to see more. I learned some things like typical children go through a phase about 18 months and then the "terrible twos" are typically at two and a half years old. The main message though was that each child is unique and that while some follow the patterns listed in the book others may not.
The section that had actual parent letters and the doctors responses to those situations was pointless. Basically the doctors said "this situation is very common just try to follow a good daily routine and do your best to get through this difficult stage." So not very helpful at all.

----------------------------------------------------
"If your boy or girl has good potential, and if you provide a reasonably rich and lively environment and give him plenty of love and attention, his mind will take care of itself."

"As a rule, the more casual and confident you are about mealtimes, the better things will go. In the (unfortunately quite natural) battle for supremacy between parent and child, children are very quick to spot areas in which parents are vulnerable. If you can force yourself to remain quite clam as to whether or not, or how much, or what, your child eats, chances are he will quickly appreciate that this is not an area where he can cause excitement or get satisfaction by objecting and insisting. One can practically guarantee that a normally healthy child will not starve himself to death."

"Just remember that every child is born with his or her own individuality. Your handling may make things better or worse, but you do not produce your child's basic personality, other than through the genes you gave him!"

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was written in the 1970s and I found some of it very dated. For instance, some techinques involve giving "licks" or tying your child into their room. There is a LOT of very sexist advice about what mothers and fathers should do and very rigid roles, as well as some other pretty out of date notions.
That said, I was reading for advice about my daughter's behavior and how I can react. I did like the specific points that had me nodding in agreement---how giving choices can be great sometimes and backfire others, how to quickly move past the tantrum/issue, trying to use silliness and other helpful strategies. It gave me a bit more insight into why she is acting as she is and what I can do to help her grow through it. I did like the points about all these being chances to help her grow and learn, and that they should pass quickly when handled effectively. I can already see a difference in 1 day from my previous reactions.

[Christa · Rating 3 out of 5]

My favorite line is: "Do not be surprised if you are unduly fatigued at the end of day." I was also entertained by: "domestic play also includes having dolls or animals be sick, asleep, cold, warm, or nice," and "Even when nothing else is accepted most will eat crispy, circus-type foods such as popcorn, peanuts, or crackers."
This book was helpful as an overview but could use a good editor—the same idea is conveyed several times each page without any additional depth.
Also the 1976-ness of it shows in suggestions to have father give directions once mother has been unsuccessful, tie children's doors shut to keep them in their rooms, and to offer them tranquilizers (via a doctor, of course!) if they're hyperactive.

[Jannie · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was good until the authors explained that the best way to potty train a child is to put newspaper on the ground and let your child run around nude until they go on the paper. That, and all hyper kids should be medicated. Are they writing about kids or dogs?

[Audrey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Had an old edition so some of the things seemed dates, but in general really interesting to read. Especially interesting looking at the difference of 2 and 2.5 and the changes in each of those 6 months.

[briz · Rating 4 out of 5]

A dated, but informative (and informed) look at the developmental stages. This is a short, inadvertently funny and overall reassuring read about the "terrible 2s".

Some scattered thoughts.

- This was an interesting counterpoint to another academia-to-pop child dev book, The Emotional Life of the Toddler. This book was written by some folks from a Yale child dev lab; it was informed (as I presume Emotional Life was informed) by a lot of qualitative evidence and observation of toddlers doing their toddler lives. However, the two books diverge in the underlying theory (caveat: I have no academic training in child dev, I just find it interesting! so I might be missing the mark here, or mixing up jargon): whereas Emotional Life took a psychoanalytical (even Freudian!) approach to the toddler mind, this book takes a much more behaviorist approach. The basic thesis (and this might rub you, dear reader, the wrong way!) is that humans are basically robots in their development, and pass through a very clearly defined set of stages, mostly around more-or-less the same age. i.e. 2 year olds are fine, 2.5 year olds are hurricanes. So, DEEP IN THIS BOOK, the basic argument is the traditionalist "puppy training" argument of toddler management.

- There is a short tips and techniques for management section which is worth this book's weight in gold. For example, they have a bullet-pointed list of "Face saving techniques" which, OH BOY, could I have used over the last few months/weeks/days/hours. You basically have to assume you are dealing with a tiny contrarian full of whim and short-lived desires, and you have to psychologically jiu jitsu your way through the day. I already knew some of these, just implicitly/in my heart, e.g. NEVER EVER ask a yes/no question because the answer is NO. e.g. "Do you want to take a bath? Do you want to leave the playground?" But there was some nice reassurances as well: e.g. kids aren't really social so much as territorial and ego-centric - they are mostly worried about their possessions. This isn't cuz they're mean or unsocialized - they just growin' up, man!

- The book is definitely dated, it is basically specifically addressed to Mother, specifically the Stay At Home Mother of the 1970s. Indeed, I hope it was a balm to many SAHMs of yore! The authors' bottom line is: OUTSOURCE OUTSOURCE OUTSOURCE childcare as much as you can at this stage. I think this is TRUE, dudes! My general interested reader skimming of cultural anthro around child development is that this whole mom-attached-to-child thing is NOT some sort of cosmic, universal "Nature" truth, but rather is something that varies a lot by culture. And toddlers are tiring. Outsooooource. There are other forehead-slapping moments of "wow, 1970s!" such as: "for the hyperactive child: tranquilizers!" and "maybe consider putting them in the backseat instead of the front". Ha!

[Juan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is part of a series by the child developmental psychologist Louise Bates Ames. Each short book covers a year in the life of the child. The books cover, in broad strokes, how the child is changing psychologically, socially, emotionally, physically, etc.

I was motivated to read this because my two year old was driving me insane, nearly to the point of tears. I truly wanted to know: what the fuck is going on in there? Why is he doing all this?

I have to say: I got a lot out of reading this. Short, to the point, and the right tone for me as a parent: fairly relaxed, low stakes, more about adjusting your expectations to your child than what more contemporary child-rearing books tend to emphasize, which is *improving* or *maximizing* your child in some respect. I feel that I understand my two year old better after reading.

If I had to characterize Ames’ approach for a child this age it is to avoid confrontation, which does not mean caving to the child’s demands, more of the way that in judo you use your opponent’s momentum against them. Basically, where you can avoid confrontation, avoid it: don’t ask questions where the answer can be “no” or where they can refuse without consequence, because they will. At two, the child is testing the boundaries around what is possible, discovering to some degree their autonomy. They will refuse, reject, want to do the opposite of what you request almost by nature.

One parental instinct here is to say “that is unacceptable”, the world does not revolve around them, I will hold my ground. Ames would say this is basically fruitless because the refusal is literally part of the developmental stage that they are in. And it is a stage, they will not stay there. It is therefore OK / advisable to instead leverage the fact that you are much smarter than them to divert their attention, change the subject, etc. At least this week, I feel like this works; who knows about the next.

The book has a fair number of bad reviews, due I think to its age (written in the 1970s), which shows in many parts. Things like the book warning you not to let your kid touch the dash when they’re riding in the front seat with you is funny now. There’s also a ton of gendered assumptions in here with respect to mothers and fathers. Doesn’t bother me; seems easy enough to mentally replace: “a stern warning from Dad” with a “stern warning from [the more strict parent of the two / the most intimidating member of the polycule]” . I actually found it touching how much of the book felt timeless.

One last reaction is that as someone in the social sciences, I can’t help but be skeptical about the harder claims in the book. How, exactly, could Ames “knows” what is going on in the child’s mind? She also breaks stages down to 6 month intervals, which seems impossibly precise. I personally do not remember what my son was like at 2 years versus 2 and a half, versus now. Of course, Ames is careful to note that all children are different, and so basically all of what she says could not apply in your particular instance. So… what are we doing here? I guess you just have to believe.

Worth the read. I bought year 3 too. Do I peak ahead to see what this monster has in store for me or leave it as a surprise?

[Rachael Quinn · Rating 4 out of 5]

My relationship with these books started when I was just a teenager, shelving them at the local library.  If I had kids, someday I might read them, I thought.  Then I had a kid and one of the things that I learned early on was that trusting my instincts went a lot better than googling and following parenting advice.  Then, we had a very toddler week and it did not go so well and I decided that I was short changing myself by not reading these books with the only child I plan on having.  So, I went in search of knowledge.

What I got was comfort.

Okay, hear me out.  These books can seem a bit outdated.  For instance, while leafing through the real life issues in the final chapter, I spotted an issue that I had been dealing with myself.  Excited, I read the father's question.  He feels bad about not seeing his child enough and so spends most of his non-working hours playing with the child.  Only, sometimes he just doesn't want to and he feels guilty saying "no" but if he plays anyway he brings his resentment into it.  Recognizing myself in the situation, I read the answer only to find that Mom should be setting a better schedule for the child and his father.  Except, I'm the mom in a two-person-earner family, a situation that is not addressed.

I don't fault the book for little outdated stuff like that and if you can get past it too you'll get a whole heap of stuff out of it.  I work with children and I have a background in this stuff but when you're dealing with your own it's easy to forget what a two-year-old is like.  As I read I found myself smiling when I recognized my own little dude and reading little bits out to Hubby when I thought they were something we both needed to hear.  It was a gentle reminder that I totally needed and I plan on continuing with this series as we go.

[Kirsten · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read the one-year-old book last year on the recommendation of someone in a Habitica guild, and found it helpful enough that I came back for the next one. I actually meant to read this back in the spring, before my kid turned two, but kept putting it off. I had a good idea of what to expect from reading the previous one: reassurance that what my kid is doing is normal, good insights into what's going on inside that little head, and some applications that I mostly skim over and ignore because they are frequently the opposite of what I would do given the information the author has just laid out. Once I figured out how to take the good and ignore the pieces that didn't work for our family, I found the first book useful, and this one was too. It's definitely dated, but also has some good insights into why toddlers do what they do. It's also nice to be reminded that all the crap toddlers pull is perfectly normal and isn't your kid deliberately trying to drive you nuts. In summary: some very useful insights and information, right along with some very outdated advice - take the good and skim the rest.

[Katie Routh · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wow. I thought it was a 70s book, but then I saw that she recommends other books written in the 90s. But so far from any research based parenting, I am not sure if it is worth reading or not. I liked the beginning. Explaining that 2 starts off easy then gets rough at 2 1/2. Explains what to expect from your child at different points, and generally just explains how your kid works in an effort to help you parent with empathy.

There is some seriously dated nonsense. If you put your kid in the front seat of the car, they can see more, but they can distract the driver. The q and a at the end is sad to read. Things like my kid gets more violent and out of control the more we hit him. She responds with nothing addressing the issue of hitting the kid. Or to a parent who wants to spend less time with their son, she suggests that mommy schedule the kid better so that dad doesn't have to see his kid so much and get frustrated by the kid wanting his attention.

Read maybe only the first half, and you will miss most of the awfulness...

[Sarah G. · Rating 3 out of 5]

My mother has this entire series of books which she acquired as my brother and I grew. The covers of her books, though, are super 80s, and I am jealous. However, it wasn't until I was teaching school in a former life that I realized how useful these were. I was having trouble with a 10 year old boy, and I couldn't decide if his behavior was developmentally appropriate or he was just a . . . let's say JERK. I borrowed Mom's copy of Your Ten-Year-Old, read it several times, and determined that the kid was just a JERK.

What I did find useful then and what is incredibly useful to me now are the techniques and explanation of what a child is experiencing emotionally and mentally. It's incredibly helpful to have reassurance that bouts of being a JERK are normal for a two year old, and that it is relatively a short amount of time in this phase.

This book is also unintentionally hysterical because it was written in the 1970s and is horribly sexist. My personal favorite is a bit about maybe a child would like to help Father put on his slippers when he arrives home while Mother prepares dinner.

The title of the next book is "Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy." So, there's that.

[Barry · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent, short, quite informative book on parenting a two-year-old child. A lot of the suggestions provided by the authors along with some of the other parenting books that I’ve read (e.g. set up a routine, don’t worry too much if your child develops later than other children, children need to play, children learn best through sensory, etc.). A few other suggestions are somewhat contradictory, though (allow your kid his/her preferred foods). A few other suggestions don’t seem to age well (e.g. the father should raise his voice when parents want to be firm with the kid, spanking is allowed, use of medication for seemingly hyperactive child). Overall it’s a decent book. But, imo, be aware of a few suggestions that are the products if the era in which this book was written, especially the suggestion of using medication.

3 Star.

[Jun Yan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Techniques with 2 years old :

Face saving
Bypass the rigidities
Divert with conversation
Avoid the dangerous word "later"
Distraction of any kind
Music or singing
Ignore tantrums or prevent is even better
Giving chances (encourage him to try a few times)
Questions (where does your coat go is better than hang up your coat)
Avoid questions that can be answered by no
The potentially most useful and most dangerous technique is giving choices : when choices don't matter to you but to kid, for example which socks to wear, give kid choices. Also kid usually choose the second choice so leave it to the one your preferred. Don't give choice when he is tired or in important situations. Choices also work better for kid with clear-cut temperament .


[Aaron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Less of a self help book and more of an aid to reassure parents there is a broad spectrum of behaviors found in a two year old. It was fun to identify things that I've seen in my own daughter, and to note how there are things that track across time (since this book has a copyright of 1976!). While there is some dated language, the general concepts seem to have held up. I actually found it more engaging to read with that lens, looking out for ideas that don’t appear to be in line with more modern parenting practices. It's an easy read, and I may check out the subsequent volumes as my child ages.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Informative pretense, dated verbiage

My baby boomer mother suggested this book to me, her GenX daughter, when I was venting about my 2.5yr old son. The descriptions of the 2 and 2.5yr old's behavior is spot on, thereby helping to normalize my son's behavior and my feelings about it while offering some advice on coping. References to the mother/father household, mother as primary caregiver, and father as disciplinarian are dated. I would still recommend to a friend, with the acknowledgement of the dated language.

[Grace Rybak · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some helpful tidbits in here, including some insights that put a name to behaviors I've been observing and validate them as typical.

Like the other reviews for this book, it's extremely outdated. References to rubber pants used over cloth diapers and that "most young two years enjoy listening to their phonograph" made me giggle.

I was a bit alarmed by the author’s opinion that a boy who wants his often-absent dad to play with him is "usurping the dad's life," and that the dad should find a babysitter or a bigger house so he can get away from his kid.

[Barbara · Rating 3 out of 5]

sound advice for parents and grandparents of 2 year old children

This has some good and sound advice for parents of 2 year olds. It gives many general ideas and rules of thumb that should offer good support for parents curious and confused about this sudden change their baby is entering into. It’s a great read for grandparents supporting many ideas and reinforcing many things we did as parents yet solid reminders of what we should do and things we shouldn’t do! Best reminder of all is kids, just like ALL humans, are little individuals who develop at their own pace.

[Ayelet · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of those 3.5 star situations. The book is really interesting and I was curious to read it after having read Your One Year Old. And I love that it was published in the 70s, and so isn’t about what’s trendy now. I wanted more of the science. But then you also get insane statements like: if your child is causing too much trouble in the front seat, touching everything on the dashboard, make sure your 2 year old is in the back seat. So everything in the book needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

[Karen]

Useful information and insight. The weird "letters to the author" sections of these books are disturbing (so much spanking and drugging of babies and toddlers, jeeezus) but the author always advises these weirdo parents to not spank ("but don't give up on drugging them!"). Despite these strange dated parts, the majority of the book seems very accurate and helpful if you want to know what your toddler is thinking and doing and how to (gently) parent them.

[Joy Matteson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, so this book is begging for a newer edition since 1980...because the nuggets of truth about 2 year olds are amazing, and yet surrounded by laughably outdated epithets about making sure your toddler stays in the backseat instead of climbing into the front seat. So, 5 stars from me if I ever see a newer edition. Otherwise, keep in mind it was originally written in 1980, and sill very sweet.

[The Book Consultant · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an informative and helpful read, as the mother of a 2.5 year old myself. It is a bit outdated, and some of the advice and recommendations ARE a bit questionable, at least to my way of parenting. But, there is still a lot of really good information to be had in this book. It's worth a read to any parent dealing with a challenging toddler.

[Karen Weese · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good review of 2-3 yo; advice outdated and too expensive.

I like this book for its general knowledge on age -appropriate behavior but some of the suggestions for parenting techniques are outdated and in some cases are completely unacceptable parenting norms. It makes the suggestions hard to implement. Needs a fresh approach.