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The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame
This book is a handbook for increasing your emotional intelligence. Moreover, if you are a survivor of a dysfunctional family, it is a guide for repairing the damage done to your emotional nature in childhood. As such it is actually a sequel to my later book: Complex PTSD from Surviving To Thriving. The Tao of Fully Feeling focuses primarily on the emotional healing level of trauma recovery. It is a safe handbook for grieving losses of childhood.
Whether or not you are a childhood trauma survivor, this book is a guide to emotional health. The degree of our mental health is often reflected in the degree to which we love and respect ourselves and others in a myriad of different feeling states. Real self-esteem and real intimacy with others depends on the ability to lovingly be there for oneself and others, whether one's feeling experience is pleasant or unpleasant. Those who can only be there for themselves or another during the "good" times show no constancy, inspire little trust, and are only fair weather friends to themselves and others.
Without access to our dysphoric feelings, we are deprived of the most fundamental part of our ability to notice when something is unfair, abusive, or neglectful. Those who cannot feel their sadness often do not know when they are being unfairly excluded, and those who cannot feel their normal angry or fearful responses to abuse, are often in danger of putting up with it without protest.
Repressing our emotions creates anxiety and stress, and stress, like most of our emotions is often treated like some unwanted waste that must be removed. Until all of the emotions are accepted indiscriminately (and acceptance does not imply license to dump emotions irresponsibly or abusively), there can be no wholeness, no real sense of well being, and no solid sense of self esteem.
Thus, while it may be fairly easy to like oneself when feelings of love, happiness or serenity are present, deeper psychological health is seen only in the individual who can maintain a posture of self-compassion and self-respect in the times of emotional hurt that accompany life's inevitable losses, disappointments and unforeseen difficulties.
Finally this book explores the nature and limits of real forgiveness - identifying behaviors and people who cannot authentically be forgiven.
Whether or not you are a childhood trauma survivor, this book is a guide to emotional health. The degree of our mental health is often reflected in the degree to which we love and respect ourselves and others in a myriad of different feeling states. Real self-esteem and real intimacy with others depends on the ability to lovingly be there for oneself and others, whether one's feeling experience is pleasant or unpleasant. Those who can only be there for themselves or another during the "good" times show no constancy, inspire little trust, and are only fair weather friends to themselves and others.
Without access to our dysphoric feelings, we are deprived of the most fundamental part of our ability to notice when something is unfair, abusive, or neglectful. Those who cannot feel their sadness often do not know when they are being unfairly excluded, and those who cannot feel their normal angry or fearful responses to abuse, are often in danger of putting up with it without protest.
Repressing our emotions creates anxiety and stress, and stress, like most of our emotions is often treated like some unwanted waste that must be removed. Until all of the emotions are accepted indiscriminately (and acceptance does not imply license to dump emotions irresponsibly or abusively), there can be no wholeness, no real sense of well being, and no solid sense of self esteem.
Thus, while it may be fairly easy to like oneself when feelings of love, happiness or serenity are present, deeper psychological health is seen only in the individual who can maintain a posture of self-compassion and self-respect in the times of emotional hurt that accompany life's inevitable losses, disappointments and unforeseen difficulties.
Finally this book explores the nature and limits of real forgiveness - identifying behaviors and people who cannot authentically be forgiven.
274 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1995
1114 people are currently reading
4722 people want to read
About the author
Pete Walker
14 books573 followersPete Walker is a "general practitioner" who has a private practice in Berkeley, California, in the serene Claremont Hotel neighborhood. He has been working as a counselor, lecturer, writer and group leader for thirty-five years, and as a trainer, supervisor and consultant of other therapists for 20 years.
Pete Walker is a "general practitioner" who has a private practice in the Rockridge neighborhood of the San Francisco East Bay Area. He specializes in helping adults who were traumatized in childhood, especially those whose repeated exposure to abuse and/or neglect left them with the symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd].
source: http://www.pete-walker.com
Pete has also experienced Complex PTSD.
Pete Walker is a "general practitioner" who has a private practice in the Rockridge neighborhood of the San Francisco East Bay Area. He specializes in helping adults who were traumatized in childhood, especially those whose repeated exposure to abuse and/or neglect left them with the symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd].
source: http://www.pete-walker.com
Pete has also experienced Complex PTSD.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 145 reviews
January 10, 2016
This book seemed to take forever to read, because it reawoke a lot of things that happened to me. I spent almost as much time reliving the past as I did reading. Pete Walker deserves my undying gratitude for showing me that I am not alone.
August 13, 2008
I loved this book. i was so turned off by the tile and cover page that i never went for it but don't let that stop you. This book has clear tips and insights on dealing with trauma - past present and future. real good societal analysis as well.
April 3, 2017
"The Tao of Fully Feeling" is an excellent book.
The author tackles a difficult subject matter but breaks it down into easily digestible chunks. Each section is a kernel of wisdom to be taken in and then revisited as needed. It's well-written and highly relatable covering topics of grief, forgiveness, fake forgiveness, and self-compassion in full detail.
My biggest takeaway was that forgiveness of ourselves is essential in the healing process. In order to forgive, we need to recognize and assert blame where it belongs and then grieve. To grieve, we need to explore and embrace both our sadness AND rage about being hurt. Rage without sadness or sadness without rage keeps us stuck. Self-compassion, reparenting, feeling our hurt, forgiveness of self, that's the focus.
The author discusses forgiving our abusers but makes it clear that forgiving them at all or forgiving them in order to "free ourselves" is bullshit and is not required. What an empowering view! We may never forgive, partially forgive, completely forgive, forgive and then not forgive once more. Forgiveness is transient, as are all feelings, coming and going as we process our experiences.
Though the book discusses forgiveness and blame and how that relates to our parents (or perpetrators) and ourselves, it never breaks down into a whiney tone or goes into a deflection of responsibility on our part or those of the abusers. The tone is...well, it's functional, healthy, and kind.
I find that Pete Walker's books go hand-in-hand. "The Tao of Fully Feeling..." articulates the what, our states and what needs to happen to move towards a healthier self. "Complex PTSD" explains the how; now that you know what's needed, how in the hell do you do it? Both excellent reads.
Absolutely recommend.
The author tackles a difficult subject matter but breaks it down into easily digestible chunks. Each section is a kernel of wisdom to be taken in and then revisited as needed. It's well-written and highly relatable covering topics of grief, forgiveness, fake forgiveness, and self-compassion in full detail.
My biggest takeaway was that forgiveness of ourselves is essential in the healing process. In order to forgive, we need to recognize and assert blame where it belongs and then grieve. To grieve, we need to explore and embrace both our sadness AND rage about being hurt. Rage without sadness or sadness without rage keeps us stuck. Self-compassion, reparenting, feeling our hurt, forgiveness of self, that's the focus.
The author discusses forgiving our abusers but makes it clear that forgiving them at all or forgiving them in order to "free ourselves" is bullshit and is not required. What an empowering view! We may never forgive, partially forgive, completely forgive, forgive and then not forgive once more. Forgiveness is transient, as are all feelings, coming and going as we process our experiences.
Though the book discusses forgiveness and blame and how that relates to our parents (or perpetrators) and ourselves, it never breaks down into a whiney tone or goes into a deflection of responsibility on our part or those of the abusers. The tone is...well, it's functional, healthy, and kind.
I find that Pete Walker's books go hand-in-hand. "The Tao of Fully Feeling..." articulates the what, our states and what needs to happen to move towards a healthier self. "Complex PTSD" explains the how; now that you know what's needed, how in the hell do you do it? Both excellent reads.
Absolutely recommend.
May 6, 2019
I cannot recommend this book enough.
It is not an exaggeration that this book changed my life.
It is beautiful, hopeful, brutally honest, poetic and full of hard-earned wisdom.
Both Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and this one are without any doubt the very best, most powerful books I’ve ever read about childhood trauma.
It is not an exaggeration that this book changed my life.
It is beautiful, hopeful, brutally honest, poetic and full of hard-earned wisdom.
Both Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and this one are without any doubt the very best, most powerful books I’ve ever read about childhood trauma.
February 5, 2020
This is a very helpful and wise book on helping people damaged in childhood recover their full range of feelings. Pete Walker rightly argues that we can’t just select some emotions we want to feel, such as happiness, and refuse to feel other more “negative” emotions such as anger.
This book is an in-depth exploration on how we can safely open ourselves up to these difficult “negative” emotions, and therefore enrich our lives. Pete Walker examines rage, grief, blame and shame - emotions that many of us struggle with. There are no pat answers or easy solutions offered. I found his advice and insights profound and humane.
The author regularly dips into his own horrific childhood to show how shut down and damaged he became and then recounts his lifelong adult journey of reclaiming his full range of emotions with honest accounts of his mistakes and relapses.
I was particularly impressed on his exploration of forgiveness and how much of a struggle it is to truly forgive a bad parent without repressing or minimising the hurt they caused. His description of how we oscillate between anger and compassion was very real and honest.
But I didn’t enjoy everything in this book. There are lots of quotes from people I’ve never heard of and excerpts from poems that did nothing for me and I found distracting. I didn’t relate to his spiritual experiences which came across as being gospel truth. These aren’t criticisms, more my own personal response. A different reader will respond differently and may find these aspects of the book positive.
But to finish on a positive note, this is one of the best in-depth exploration of what forgiveness is and feels like.
This book is an in-depth exploration on how we can safely open ourselves up to these difficult “negative” emotions, and therefore enrich our lives. Pete Walker examines rage, grief, blame and shame - emotions that many of us struggle with. There are no pat answers or easy solutions offered. I found his advice and insights profound and humane.
The author regularly dips into his own horrific childhood to show how shut down and damaged he became and then recounts his lifelong adult journey of reclaiming his full range of emotions with honest accounts of his mistakes and relapses.
I was particularly impressed on his exploration of forgiveness and how much of a struggle it is to truly forgive a bad parent without repressing or minimising the hurt they caused. His description of how we oscillate between anger and compassion was very real and honest.
But I didn’t enjoy everything in this book. There are lots of quotes from people I’ve never heard of and excerpts from poems that did nothing for me and I found distracting. I didn’t relate to his spiritual experiences which came across as being gospel truth. These aren’t criticisms, more my own personal response. A different reader will respond differently and may find these aspects of the book positive.
But to finish on a positive note, this is one of the best in-depth exploration of what forgiveness is and feels like.
February 22, 2021
The book I wish I read 20 years ago or before becoming a parent.
May 8, 2022
There’s a bunch of really good stuff in this book about feelings and family. Like five-stars good. But a handful of issues nearly knock it down to two, or even one. One is that there is no meaningful engagement with race or racism. For someone who does so much cultural analysis, this is not just a glaring oversight, but a serious limitation for the relevance of the book. Second, its discussion of ways to handle/express anger is completely out of step with current research, which may mean it’s doing as much harm as good on that front. Third, the author does plenty of cultural criticism but most of of it (apart from calling out the over-reliance on sarcasm and teasing) falls flat. Lastly, I sometimes cringed at the heteronormativity and blaming of mothers.
August 25, 2018
It's a good book and I suggest it should be read by many who come from troubled childhoods and have issues with their parents. Sometimes it goes to extremes, but overall the author means well. Our society is seriously messed up, and the mess starts from family and parents, who weren't able to solve their issues, yet had kids. Its just a cycle that goes on, and on without end in sight. I honestly believe that old saying, it takes a VILLAGE to raise a child is correct. When parents fail, there should be an extended (healthy) family that can take the reins of raising a psychologically and emotionally healthy child.
Something to think about.
Something to think about.
October 8, 2019
Another helpful book by Pete Walker. I especially appreciated how he took the time in one section to talk about how industrialization and capitalism traumatizes people in modern society.
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February 23, 2023"Toxic shame is the product of prolonged exposure in childhood to parental disapproval and disgust" (xii).
"Feelings and emotions are energetic states that do not magically dissipate when they are ignored. Much of our unnecessary emotional pain is the distressing pressure that comes from not releasing emotional energy. When we do not attend to our feelings, they accumulate inside us and create a mounting anxiety that we commonly dismiss as stress" (1).
"Whether or not we unconsciously act our blame through scapegoating, most of us unfairly blame ourselves for the deficits we suffer from poor parenting. We scapegoat ourselves rather than consider that our parents might have seriously injured us, especially since complaining about bad parenting is one of our culture's ultimate taboos" (12).
"If we do not recognize the exact nature of our parents' transgressions, we risk tolerating similar kinds of hurtfulness in the present. Children who are not allowed to blame their parents' bad behavior often become adults who do not protect themselves from abuse" (13).
"Adult children benefit greatly from challenging and overthrowing false, destructive beliefs about forgiveness, blame and emotionality. Life is inordinately more painful than necessary when we hate, shame, and abandon ourselves for not feeling 'good.' If we remain trapped in our families' legacy of disdaining all but the most exalted emotions, we may never feel authentically forgiving toward ourselves or anyone else" (15).
"Denial protects abused children from the overwhelming, undigestible reality that their parents are not their allies" (17).
"Survivors who are still in denial about the dysfunctionality of their families should not be blamed or shamed. The blinders of denial had to be used for many years. Many of us have become habituated to them, and I know many survivors of savage abuse who honestly believe their parents took good care of them. How much harder then is it for those who 'only' suffered emotional neglect to understand how seriously they were deprived?" (18).
"When we confront our denial and identify the details of how we were intimidated and controlled, we can begin to break the habit of mimicking our parents' contempt" (21).
"Many survivors who were silenced by the 'no talk' rule in childhood continue to suffer the same kind of mute loneliness in adulthood. They have yet to learn that real connection and belonging comes from people talking uninhibitedly together" (27).
"Perfectionism causes us endless painful fantasies that others find us as wanting as we do, and deprive us of the irreplaceable pleasure of fully being ourselves in company" (29).
"The warming anger of grieving is especially helpful in thawing the inner child out of the frozenness of fear" (59).
"Somatization injures the body through a third dynamic: the chronic tightening of the body's musculature to avoid feeling. Muscular contraction against feeling is a physiological form of self-hatred. It is a vicious way to saying no to healthy aspects of the self" (65).
"Minimization is a subset of denial; it is acknowledging, but making light of, childhood losses. Many survivors minimize hurtful childhood memories by transmuting their pain into jocularity.... Minimization allows us to work through the layering of denial and childhood pain in manageable increments" (71-2).
"The unvented pain of the past accumulates in layers in the unconscious. In this layering, memories of abuse and neglect appear to be sandwiched in between layers of grief. Each strata of painful memories emerges gradually, although not necessarily chronologically, over time" (105)
"Those who finally come to terms with their grief no longer struggle with the desire to be finished with it forever. They have learned to cherish their ability to grieve, and value it as an irreplaceable tool of emotional hygiene" (111).
"Children in dysfunctional families instinctively become hypervigilant, disassociated, obsessive and/or compulsive to block out the unbearable harshness of family existence, to numb their felt sense of fear and shame, and to dull their aching hunger for love and appreciation. Children cannot experience the raw, ongoing pain of parental rejection and still maintain the desire to live. In the dysfunctional family, existing in a constantly defended state is the lesser of two evils" (115).
"Dissociation protects us in childhood from absorbing the full toxicity of destructive parental messages" (118).
"An adult child can be habituated to both hypervigilance and dissociation. These defenses coexist in the survivor whose body is hypervigilantly tense and contracted, but whose awareness is dissociated and not preoccupied with careful watching" (124).
"Many of us were so thoroughly rejected by our parents that we falsely view ourselves as ugly. Many of our parents exacerbated our awful self-image by grooming us poorly and by outfitting us in unflattering clothes and hairstyles" (137).
"Many survivors grow more attractive as they learn to accept their feelings and become more authentic. Authenticity allows them to release the facial tension and postural contortion that accompanies emotional repression and forced smiling" (137).
"I have worked with a number of clients whose progress in years of therapy was minimal until they drastically reduced their contact with still-abusive parents. Many of these same clients grew by leaps and bounds in the months following their withdrawal from these toxic relationships. This was even true in cases where the contact had only been by telephone" (151).
"If our society is in gross, pervasive denial about the destructiveness of verbal and emotional abuse how much more ignorant are we of the damage caused by verbal and emotional neglect? Maltreatments of omission are so much harder to identify than those of commission, especially when they occur together" (188).
"When parents are emotionally repressed, children are deprived of models for healthy emotional expression. Many children never learn safe ways to show or convey tenderness, anger, enthusiasm, fear, sorrow, or love. Eventually, they lose access to their inborn ability to feel and emote" (194).
"Many survivors live their whole lives in denial about how much old spiritual beliefs have hurt them and continue to curtail their lives. Barely conscious feelings of guilt, shame, and fear constantly inhibit them from enjoying the normal, life-celebratory aspects of human existence" (199).
"The mechanization of our forefathers produced the prototypes of the modern day "absent father" and "silent armchair daddy." Great is the number of adult children who have never played a game with their father or ever heard a tender word from him. I'm sure that if research was done, we would see a very high correlation between the incidence of family dysfunction, and the degree of meaninglessness and automation in parents' work lives" (220).
"The imaginative reconstruction of our parents' childhoods sometimes stimulates us to grieve for their losses. We may experience a very profound healing by letting ourselves cry for them, and by allowing ourselves to feel angry about how their parents hurt them. This is sometimes difficult to do because many of us had grandparents who were kind to us in a way they never were with our parents.... Most of us hold a part of our parents' grief about their childhood abandonment. When we mournfully protest our mom and dad's unfair suffering, we are also championing the us in them that lost so much because of grandma and grandpa's poor parenting. When we grieve deeply for our parents, this feeling of sorrow for them sometimes expands into genuine feelings of forgiveness" (222-3).
"Our parents' mistreatment of us was not a response to some essential flaw or badness in us, but rather another awful example of how human beings ignorantly repeat the past when they haven't learned from it. Even if we had been supernaturally perfect in every way, we would still have suffered from our parents' blind replays of their own childhood tragedies" (224).
"Others of us, however, are only able to feel forgiveness for our parents from a distance. Thus, while our grief work may bring us powerful feelings of forgiveness, it may still be impossible to feel relaxed or safe around our parents" (229).
"The recrystallization of denial is even more likely when parents are no longer hostile in any way, but are still essentially indifferent. Tidbits of apparent interest from them can easily reinstate the illusory belief that Mom and Dad really do care after all. However, when their token gestures of caring are unsubstantiated by authentic or consistent interest, our old wounds of shame and abandonment usually open painfully" (231).
"As our inner children wait for us to reparent them, they hope that we will apologize and make amends for all the years we imitated our parents' abuse and neglect. Our inner children need to hear that we are sorry for not protecting them from the inner critical parent, and for not giving them love, support, and encouragement" (242).
"Feelings and emotions are energetic states that do not magically dissipate when they are ignored. Much of our unnecessary emotional pain is the distressing pressure that comes from not releasing emotional energy. When we do not attend to our feelings, they accumulate inside us and create a mounting anxiety that we commonly dismiss as stress" (1).
"Whether or not we unconsciously act our blame through scapegoating, most of us unfairly blame ourselves for the deficits we suffer from poor parenting. We scapegoat ourselves rather than consider that our parents might have seriously injured us, especially since complaining about bad parenting is one of our culture's ultimate taboos" (12).
"If we do not recognize the exact nature of our parents' transgressions, we risk tolerating similar kinds of hurtfulness in the present. Children who are not allowed to blame their parents' bad behavior often become adults who do not protect themselves from abuse" (13).
"Adult children benefit greatly from challenging and overthrowing false, destructive beliefs about forgiveness, blame and emotionality. Life is inordinately more painful than necessary when we hate, shame, and abandon ourselves for not feeling 'good.' If we remain trapped in our families' legacy of disdaining all but the most exalted emotions, we may never feel authentically forgiving toward ourselves or anyone else" (15).
"Denial protects abused children from the overwhelming, undigestible reality that their parents are not their allies" (17).
"Survivors who are still in denial about the dysfunctionality of their families should not be blamed or shamed. The blinders of denial had to be used for many years. Many of us have become habituated to them, and I know many survivors of savage abuse who honestly believe their parents took good care of them. How much harder then is it for those who 'only' suffered emotional neglect to understand how seriously they were deprived?" (18).
"When we confront our denial and identify the details of how we were intimidated and controlled, we can begin to break the habit of mimicking our parents' contempt" (21).
"Many survivors who were silenced by the 'no talk' rule in childhood continue to suffer the same kind of mute loneliness in adulthood. They have yet to learn that real connection and belonging comes from people talking uninhibitedly together" (27).
"Perfectionism causes us endless painful fantasies that others find us as wanting as we do, and deprive us of the irreplaceable pleasure of fully being ourselves in company" (29).
"The warming anger of grieving is especially helpful in thawing the inner child out of the frozenness of fear" (59).
"Somatization injures the body through a third dynamic: the chronic tightening of the body's musculature to avoid feeling. Muscular contraction against feeling is a physiological form of self-hatred. It is a vicious way to saying no to healthy aspects of the self" (65).
"Minimization is a subset of denial; it is acknowledging, but making light of, childhood losses. Many survivors minimize hurtful childhood memories by transmuting their pain into jocularity.... Minimization allows us to work through the layering of denial and childhood pain in manageable increments" (71-2).
"The unvented pain of the past accumulates in layers in the unconscious. In this layering, memories of abuse and neglect appear to be sandwiched in between layers of grief. Each strata of painful memories emerges gradually, although not necessarily chronologically, over time" (105)
"Those who finally come to terms with their grief no longer struggle with the desire to be finished with it forever. They have learned to cherish their ability to grieve, and value it as an irreplaceable tool of emotional hygiene" (111).
"Children in dysfunctional families instinctively become hypervigilant, disassociated, obsessive and/or compulsive to block out the unbearable harshness of family existence, to numb their felt sense of fear and shame, and to dull their aching hunger for love and appreciation. Children cannot experience the raw, ongoing pain of parental rejection and still maintain the desire to live. In the dysfunctional family, existing in a constantly defended state is the lesser of two evils" (115).
"Dissociation protects us in childhood from absorbing the full toxicity of destructive parental messages" (118).
"An adult child can be habituated to both hypervigilance and dissociation. These defenses coexist in the survivor whose body is hypervigilantly tense and contracted, but whose awareness is dissociated and not preoccupied with careful watching" (124).
"Many of us were so thoroughly rejected by our parents that we falsely view ourselves as ugly. Many of our parents exacerbated our awful self-image by grooming us poorly and by outfitting us in unflattering clothes and hairstyles" (137).
"Many survivors grow more attractive as they learn to accept their feelings and become more authentic. Authenticity allows them to release the facial tension and postural contortion that accompanies emotional repression and forced smiling" (137).
"I have worked with a number of clients whose progress in years of therapy was minimal until they drastically reduced their contact with still-abusive parents. Many of these same clients grew by leaps and bounds in the months following their withdrawal from these toxic relationships. This was even true in cases where the contact had only been by telephone" (151).
"If our society is in gross, pervasive denial about the destructiveness of verbal and emotional abuse how much more ignorant are we of the damage caused by verbal and emotional neglect? Maltreatments of omission are so much harder to identify than those of commission, especially when they occur together" (188).
"When parents are emotionally repressed, children are deprived of models for healthy emotional expression. Many children never learn safe ways to show or convey tenderness, anger, enthusiasm, fear, sorrow, or love. Eventually, they lose access to their inborn ability to feel and emote" (194).
"Many survivors live their whole lives in denial about how much old spiritual beliefs have hurt them and continue to curtail their lives. Barely conscious feelings of guilt, shame, and fear constantly inhibit them from enjoying the normal, life-celebratory aspects of human existence" (199).
"The mechanization of our forefathers produced the prototypes of the modern day "absent father" and "silent armchair daddy." Great is the number of adult children who have never played a game with their father or ever heard a tender word from him. I'm sure that if research was done, we would see a very high correlation between the incidence of family dysfunction, and the degree of meaninglessness and automation in parents' work lives" (220).
"The imaginative reconstruction of our parents' childhoods sometimes stimulates us to grieve for their losses. We may experience a very profound healing by letting ourselves cry for them, and by allowing ourselves to feel angry about how their parents hurt them. This is sometimes difficult to do because many of us had grandparents who were kind to us in a way they never were with our parents.... Most of us hold a part of our parents' grief about their childhood abandonment. When we mournfully protest our mom and dad's unfair suffering, we are also championing the us in them that lost so much because of grandma and grandpa's poor parenting. When we grieve deeply for our parents, this feeling of sorrow for them sometimes expands into genuine feelings of forgiveness" (222-3).
"Our parents' mistreatment of us was not a response to some essential flaw or badness in us, but rather another awful example of how human beings ignorantly repeat the past when they haven't learned from it. Even if we had been supernaturally perfect in every way, we would still have suffered from our parents' blind replays of their own childhood tragedies" (224).
"Others of us, however, are only able to feel forgiveness for our parents from a distance. Thus, while our grief work may bring us powerful feelings of forgiveness, it may still be impossible to feel relaxed or safe around our parents" (229).
"The recrystallization of denial is even more likely when parents are no longer hostile in any way, but are still essentially indifferent. Tidbits of apparent interest from them can easily reinstate the illusory belief that Mom and Dad really do care after all. However, when their token gestures of caring are unsubstantiated by authentic or consistent interest, our old wounds of shame and abandonment usually open painfully" (231).
"As our inner children wait for us to reparent them, they hope that we will apologize and make amends for all the years we imitated our parents' abuse and neglect. Our inner children need to hear that we are sorry for not protecting them from the inner critical parent, and for not giving them love, support, and encouragement" (242).
August 17, 2021
This book took me forever to finish, because my mind drifted away after every few pages. A lot of feelings reawoke together with unprocessed anger and grief hidden in some dark corners. The thing with having an emotionally unhealthy childhood is that you could never completely dissect all the aspects and be done with it. Every few months I discover a new angle and learn things in my past I never thought about.
The Tao of Fully Feeling is a kind and calm voice that guides you to discover feelings you buried deep down and legitimize these feelings. I find the contents well-written and highly relatable. We have to walk down the path of anger, blame, grief, self-forgiveness, and maybe eventual forgiveness.
This book was recommended by a friend and I was initially skeptical - I’m not a person who’s shy with expressing non-positive feelings but didn’t find it helpful to unburden past traumas. When I was reading this book, I realized that I may never get rid of certain baggages by understanding them better, but I do get more clarity in myself and can pursue things that are desired by the real me and not the external voices I’ve internalized over the years.
It is difficult and painful to evoke buried feelings and past traumas. And I understand that not everyone wants to go down that path; most people don’t. But I do believe unprocessed feelings haunt us and affect our life choices, knowingly or unknowingly.
The Tao of Fully Feeling is a kind and calm voice that guides you to discover feelings you buried deep down and legitimize these feelings. I find the contents well-written and highly relatable. We have to walk down the path of anger, blame, grief, self-forgiveness, and maybe eventual forgiveness.
This book was recommended by a friend and I was initially skeptical - I’m not a person who’s shy with expressing non-positive feelings but didn’t find it helpful to unburden past traumas. When I was reading this book, I realized that I may never get rid of certain baggages by understanding them better, but I do get more clarity in myself and can pursue things that are desired by the real me and not the external voices I’ve internalized over the years.
It is difficult and painful to evoke buried feelings and past traumas. And I understand that not everyone wants to go down that path; most people don’t. But I do believe unprocessed feelings haunt us and affect our life choices, knowingly or unknowingly.
March 26, 2016
Best recovery process outline I've ever seen. Just wish the treatment of the trauma resolution parts were more aligned with current neurobiological data. Somatic Experiencing could probably improve outcomes and duration of recovery process. I think the cover and title are a huge turnoff/barrier to people who could benefit from the book. My copy has a terribly printed cover and the book print itself is also pretty bad - faded type and can see the white dots in the type also.
July 4, 2022
I was already finding Walker’s paternalistic tone off putting when he quoted ACIM.
ACIM is a corrupt tool for emotional manipulation used by abusers. Referencing it in a book targeted at survivors of profound childhood abuse and neglect is careless at best.
Walker’s often cited as a resource for folks living with cPTSD, I find his occasional insights do not make up for the shortcomings in his work.
ACIM is a corrupt tool for emotional manipulation used by abusers. Referencing it in a book targeted at survivors of profound childhood abuse and neglect is careless at best.
Walker’s often cited as a resource for folks living with cPTSD, I find his occasional insights do not make up for the shortcomings in his work.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 27, 2025
I found the chapters/appendix about identifying various types of abuse/neglect and their healthy alternatives helpful for acknowledging my own experiences.
I found the chapters about forgiveness and blame really really helpful. as someone whose been told to forgive abuse many times under the belief that blanket forgiveness regardless of abuse endured is some kind of spiritual principle worth striving towards - this book really gives abuse and neglect the gravity that it deserves.
I found the chapters about forgiveness and blame really really helpful. as someone whose been told to forgive abuse many times under the belief that blanket forgiveness regardless of abuse endured is some kind of spiritual principle worth striving towards - this book really gives abuse and neglect the gravity that it deserves.
August 19, 2023
Despite of the weird "alternative" cover (makes me think of New Age-like self help books which I am not very fond of), this is actually a mostly constructive (did not care for the religious part) and professional psychology book about healing childhood trauma.
September 9, 2023
Spiritually liberating - I have found freedom where I once was fearful. I so frequently find love in new places, this has been such a terrific roadmap in navigating the areas of my life I never thought or dared to return to. I would love to give Mr Walker a hug.
September 7, 2024
4.5 Stars
RTC
RTC
February 3, 2016
Companion book to Dr. Walkers "suriving c-ptsd"
This one focuses, as the title says on forgiveness, but again, the author doesn't offer the sickening bromides usually found in self-help books. I am not ready to forgive and may never be. This one was a little harder for me to read because of that.
If you are dealing with C-PTSD, have both of his books in your library, because you will refer to them again and again. I bought the Kindle versions, but i'm going to get hard copies so i can highlight and make notes. You will want to, too.
This one focuses, as the title says on forgiveness, but again, the author doesn't offer the sickening bromides usually found in self-help books. I am not ready to forgive and may never be. This one was a little harder for me to read because of that.
If you are dealing with C-PTSD, have both of his books in your library, because you will refer to them again and again. I bought the Kindle versions, but i'm going to get hard copies so i can highlight and make notes. You will want to, too.
September 15, 2020
This book for me, started off well, talking about new things but it later started dragging, especially around the chapter on forgiveness. I finished it but it was repetitive as he gave oodles of examples of how he or someone might beat themselves up. It kinda did not leave much room for the reader to imagine. But I think it could easily hit the spot for some. I, like some others, did not much like or see the connection of the cover image with the book.
July 4, 2023
I feel like I just took a seminar on how to grow. This book is fantastic. A reference book to how to love yourself and grow from painful experience. I wish I could give this book a higher rating than 5 out of 5.
October 12, 2023
One of the best books ive ever read. Very eye-opening and informative, has so many tools to work through grief, trauma, self improvement, forgiveness, blame, etc.
March 28, 2022
Wish I could give it six stars
September 24, 2024
Give a white guy Eastern continental philosophy and he will talk about it FOR A REALLY LONG TIME. Not terrible just a more wishy washy version of his second book.
October 18, 2020
Good book for kids, now adults, who’ve been abused in some way. I feel like most kids me included didn’t get the full love/attention we craved so it was still a good read for me. It helped me understand and have empathy for how much work it takes kids abused to overcome their past. I’ve used what I learned as an adult. Fully blame. Don’t forgive prematurely. Feel the feelings instead of suppressing. Stop the habit of whatever you learned from parents. Work on self to be most loving to others/your kids.
August 29, 2021
Great book by a therapist who had a childhood full of trauma. He writes about the journey of healing and how we must feel our feelings fully in order to heal, find compassion, and forgiveness.
January 14, 2021
This was a really informative book on how to deal with and overcome childhood trauma. Chalked full of valuable information regarding complex trauma, this book does not go as in-depth on the concept as his initial book did but recapitulated the basics. Overall, I found it very uplighting and empathetic as someone who is a survivor of complex trauma but have one quip. I am professionally diagnosed with BPD, and while that is not the focus of this book, the one mention of people with BPD is very stereotypical and unhelpful. That being said, there were many quotes I was able to pull out for future reference in my healing that are good reminders and explanatory of things I'm experiencing. If you want a book that is part of understanding why you are the way you are, what to do next, or anywhere in the recovery process, this is the right one for you! Walker also includes numerous anecdotes from other psychologists and writers (namely poets) and brief nods to spirituality.
May 8, 2023
Finished reading today.
Really good read. Validating and progress in my healing. This book took me awhile to finish reading. I felt like every chapter had something for me to deeply reflect on from past events and understanding past trauma so I can move forward, heal and grow. Also, knowing my triggers, and understanding where they come from, why, and how to manage them effectively.
Those who have past trauma, especially childhood and/or teen trauma due to dysfunctional families, I definitely recommend this book. It was very helpful for me in so many ways. 2020-2022, new trauma dug up old trauma. I'm in hopes during my healing journey, I will learn to stop repeating cycles. By not getting into toxic or unhealthy friendships or other relationships. Break the chains. So I don't have old trauma rehashed by new trauma, or just to be able manage myself better, so I don't hurt as badly.
Healing, Growing, Learning, Moving Forward every damn day.
💚💛💚💛💚💛💚💛💚💛💚💛💚
Really good read. Validating and progress in my healing. This book took me awhile to finish reading. I felt like every chapter had something for me to deeply reflect on from past events and understanding past trauma so I can move forward, heal and grow. Also, knowing my triggers, and understanding where they come from, why, and how to manage them effectively.
Those who have past trauma, especially childhood and/or teen trauma due to dysfunctional families, I definitely recommend this book. It was very helpful for me in so many ways. 2020-2022, new trauma dug up old trauma. I'm in hopes during my healing journey, I will learn to stop repeating cycles. By not getting into toxic or unhealthy friendships or other relationships. Break the chains. So I don't have old trauma rehashed by new trauma, or just to be able manage myself better, so I don't hurt as badly.
Healing, Growing, Learning, Moving Forward every damn day.
💚💛💚💛💚💛💚💛💚💛💚💛💚
March 9, 2021
Some of you might find this book hard to read for it may evoke a lot of memories from your own past. But I think that's the point of this book. It takes you on a journey to meet a part of yourself that might have sunk in your subconscious.
Really good book to read if you're trying to understand how you can re-establish an emotionally rich relationship with yourself. Pete Walker takes cues from Carl Jung, Jack Kornfield and existential psychotherapy to give you a road map of connecting better with yourself. Some Psychology snobs don't like mentioning topics like love, or God in matters of the mind but I what think that this book does differently is make the journey towards a healthy life inclusive of emotional and spiritual facets. You might be coming back to this book to realign your mind and your life.
Really good book to read if you're trying to understand how you can re-establish an emotionally rich relationship with yourself. Pete Walker takes cues from Carl Jung, Jack Kornfield and existential psychotherapy to give you a road map of connecting better with yourself. Some Psychology snobs don't like mentioning topics like love, or God in matters of the mind but I what think that this book does differently is make the journey towards a healthy life inclusive of emotional and spiritual facets. You might be coming back to this book to realign your mind and your life.
December 21, 2019
Fantastic and Deeply Insightful
I read Pete Walker’s other book on CPTSD and was drawn to read this too - well I was not disappointed. I really cannot find words to do the book justice. It’s a book that I know I will return to over and over - it’s the sort of book that needs to be revisited and remembered. In my opinion the book is a curriculum on living, embodying and expressing a wholehearted life.
I read Pete Walker’s other book on CPTSD and was drawn to read this too - well I was not disappointed. I really cannot find words to do the book justice. It’s a book that I know I will return to over and over - it’s the sort of book that needs to be revisited and remembered. In my opinion the book is a curriculum on living, embodying and expressing a wholehearted life.
September 19, 2020
Great book but a little repetitive
There are many life changing gems in this book & Pete Walker’s work is beautiful & poetic. I did feel that the text could been boiled down a bit more as it became harder to read in the later chapters. It’s really 4.5 stars.
Absolutely life changing book! Would recommend!
There are many life changing gems in this book & Pete Walker’s work is beautiful & poetic. I did feel that the text could been boiled down a bit more as it became harder to read in the later chapters. It’s really 4.5 stars.
Absolutely life changing book! Would recommend!
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