Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap

by Barry K. Weinhold, Janae B. Weinhold, John Bradshaw (Foreword)

This bestselling book, now in a revised edition, radically challenges the prevailing medical definition of co-dependency as a permanent, progressive, and incurable addiction. Rather, the authors identify it as the result of developmental traumas that interfered with the infant-parent bonding relationship during the first year of life. Drawing on decades of clinical experience, Barry and Janae Weinhold correlate the developmental causes of co-dependency with relationship problems later in life, such as establishing and maintaining boundaries, clinging and dependent behaviors, people pleasing, and difficulty achieving success in the world. Then they focus on healing co-dependency, providing compelling case histories and practical activities to help readers heal early trauma and transform themselves and their primary relationships. Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap presents a groundbreaking developmental road map to guide readers away from their co-dependent behaviors and toward a life of wholeness and fulfillment.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Relationships, Family

272 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 1999

Reviews

[Alex Memus · Rating 5 out of 5]

This year I've read 3 books on relationships: 5 love languages, Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap and The Mastery of Love. And after a year, I tend to believe that this one was the most effective and hopeful one. You can check my comparison of books here:
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

The rating
I started with 4 stars, but after a year I adjusted it to 5 stars. The reason is simple. The core content of this book is wonderful and exercises make a lot of sense. But then the book needs better editing. It's overly long and at some point authors start preaching weird staff: like the whole society being co-dependent and using your past lives as a way to your healing. A year later I don't care about these aberrations as much, because the core content and concepts are wonderful.

Quick recap
Basically, the concept is super simple.

Humans go through four successive stages of development: co-dependent (0-6 months), counter-dependent (6-36 months), independent (3-6 years), and interdependent stages (6-29 years).

So, if the secure bonding with a parent didn't happen -> the co-dependent pattern emerges in later relationships. An adult hopes the other person will provide what he or she never got in early childhood: intimacy and secure bonding.

The logic is the following:
* All development is a continuous process from conception until death. It is sequential, in that each task is the stepping-stone for the next one.
* Any essential developmental process that isn’t mastered at the age-appropriate time is carried forward as excess baggage into subsequent developmental stages.
* Incomplete developmental processes press for completion at every opportunity. Any situation that resembles a previous one involving an incomplete process will push that process to the forefront.
* When people realize it’s trauma that causes them to overreact to certain people or situations, they’re able to learn new, more effective responses. Through increased awareness of the source of their trauma, and with the help of increased communication skills and trauma elimination tools, people can clear the trauma and move forward in their development.

According to the authors, the most powerful form of recovery comes not from therapy but from committed relationships.

They propose a 12-Step Program for Recovering from Co-dependency
1.   Recognize co-dependent patterns. Admit there is a problem you cannot solve with your current information and resources.
2.   Understand the causes of the problem. Learn how to identify the effects of unhealed developmental traumas in your relationships.
3.   Unravel co-dependent relationships.
4.   Reclaim your projections. Stop blaming your problems on others.
5.   Eliminate self-hate. Stop blaming and criticizing yourself for your mistakes and imperfections.
6.   Eliminate power plays and manipulation (e.g. the drama triangle). Stop manipulating others to get what you want.
7.   Ask for what you want. Be willing to ask for what you want all the time, rather than expecting others to know what you want.
8.   Learn to feel again. Learn to fully feel and express all your feelings.
9.   Heal your inner child. Begin developing a stronger inner awareness of your thoughts, feelings, values, needs, wants, and desires.
10.  Define your own boundaries.
11.   Learn to be intimate. Healing yourself involves learning how to be close to others so that you can get the necessary information, nurturing, mirroring, and secure bonding you need.
12.   Learn new forms of relationship. Learn to live in a fluid state of relationship with your True Self and with others, which will allow the development of your fullest potential.

Quotes
We estimate that approximately 98 percent of all Americans suffer from symptoms of co-dependency.

the major symptoms of co-dependency:
•   being “addicted” to people
•   feeling trapped in abusive, controlling relationships
•   having low self-esteem
•   needing constant approval and support from others in order to feel good about yourself
•   feeling powerless to change destructive relationships
•   needing alcohol, food, work, sex, or some other outside stimulation to distract you from your feelings
•   having undefined psychological boundaries
•   feeling like a martyr
•   being a people-pleaser
•   being unable to experience true intimacy and love

Endgame:
They have a solid inner sense of uniqueness and of who they are. They can get close to others without fearing they will lose themselves. They can effectively meet their needs by asking others directly when they need help. And finally, they can maintain positive self-esteem even when criticized by others.

“You know you are co-dependent if you are dying and someone else’s life flashes in front of you.”

Co-dependency and counter-dependency are part of a larger developmental struggle between oneness and separateness.

Tactics of toxic parents:
* Parentizing
* Discounting
* Denial

4 types of behavior responses in kids:
* The family hero. For them, everything is work, and they become self-disciplined and task-oriented. The price they pay : They are tense, rigid, and need to be in control in order to feel comfortable in relationships.
* The loner.
* The caretaker. They give to others at their own expense and seek out people who are “takers” and emotionally needy.

* The rebel. They lose contact with their deep feelings of emotional abandonment, which they cover with anger. They seek out mates who will allow them to act out their anger and resentment with them. They are often physically and verbally abusive to their mates, who tolerate their behavior.

The script for heated situations:
1.   Learn to recognize the signals when you are overreacting or having a flashback.
2.   Take several deep breaths and calm down first, before you react any further.
3.   Learn to observe yourself. Say to yourself, “I am reacting to an old feeling from another time.”
4.   Figure out what you needed in the past situation. Ask yourself: “What do I want from my partner in the present that will help to heal the past?”

Self-love begins when you’re able to gain object constancy and see yourself as having both positive and negative parts, all of which are lovable.

They are expressed by taking good care of your body, getting adequate exercise and rest, eating nourishing foods, maintaining good grooming habits, and wearing attractive clothing. Creating quiet time to meditate, pray, and reflect helps you love your spiritual self. Going to therapy, finding community in support groups, and spending quality time with your partner helps you create harmonious social relationships.

The two most powerful tools for creating positive self-esteem are asking for what you want and being willing to receive what you want.

Here is a six-step assertiveness process that is helpful in breaking power and control games.
1.   Prepare yourself. The first step in creating a clear, assertive message is to write it down and then review it.
2.   Deliver your message.
3.   Be silent.
4.   Engage in active-listening defensive responses.
5.   If your partner starts to defend himself or herself, use a recycling process.
6.   Focus on the solution.

Asking for What You Want: A Nine-Step Process
1.   Describe objectively the problem or behavior.
2.   Share your feelings about the problem or behavior.
3.   Describe the effects of the problem or issue on you and/or your relationship.
4.   Pause for a moment to listen to the other person’s feedback or perceptions about the conflict.
5.   State clearly what you want from the other person.
6.   Ask the person clearly, “Would you be willing to . . . ?”
7.   Negotiate if there are differences between what you want and what the other person is willing to give or do.
8.   If you are unable to negotiate the differences, agree to disagree.
9.   If the differences are unresolvable and the relationship ends, mark it with some ceremony of completion.

If you’ve been a passive or adaptive person, and you begin asking more clearly for what you want, you may find yourself experiencing more conflict.

[Katerina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Полезное и местами болезненное чтение. Количество самостоятельных упражнений утомляет. Примеры из жизни уж очень ненатуральные, из серии "три раза по полчаса с нами и тетка вдруг вспомнила, что в детстве ее molested дядя". Но - очень по делу и написано простым языком.

[Maria Morozova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Хорошая, открывает глаза на многие нездоровые паттерны в отношениях и их причины. Интересней всего мне было про завершение стадий привязанности и отделения от родителей. Удивительно, как много зависит от первых лет жизни. Мега важно иметь близкий контакт с ребёнком в первый год его жизни, быть с ним, долго смотреть ему в глаза, обнимать кожа к коже. Не менее важно потом дать ему возможность самому выбирать и принимать решения, относиться как к взрослому. Понравилось, что в конце каждой главы есть задания для работы с партнером, в группе, с психотерапевтом или самостоятельно. И примеры из практики.

[Tami · Rating 5 out of 5]

Co-dependency has become one of those buzzwords for our modern culture. Most of us use the term to describe someone who suffers from alcoholism or drug addiction. Therefore, when we think of co-dependency, we tend to think of programs like AA.

Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap states that possibly 98% of the human population is co-dependent. It's not lack of self control. It's not a disease. It's not even about the alcohol, the drugs, the food, or the people pleasing behaviors.

Co-dependency is merely the way that the mind attempts to adapt to its experiences. In the first six months of life, babies are meant to learn that the world is a safe loving place and that his or her parents will always keep them safe. Once they are assured of these facts, then they can start to explore the world in an increasingly independent way.

Unfortunately, parents aren't perfect. The majority don't even know how to give this sort of unconditional love. Most are too busy worrying about day to day concerns. So for most people, their psychological development gets stuck and they spend the rest of their lives trying to gain (or dampen the need for) that love, acceptance, and security. When they have children, their children continue the same cycle.

[Sashko Liutyj · Rating 4 out of 5]

дуже корисна штука, шкодую, що так пізно до мене потрапила.
але краще пізно, ніж ніяк.
книга про те, звідки ростуть ноги у більшості наших проблем, складних життєвих ситуаціях, пов'язаних із соціальною взаємодією, в т.ч. з особистими відносинами.
велика цінність - у практичних рекомендаціях, я сидів і весь час конспектував.

[Тaniia Тkachuk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Класно описаний механізм формування співзалежності і детально показані стадії психологічного зростання, як вони мають виглядати. Розділ про відмову від влади і керівництва сподобався теж.

[YHC · Rating 3 out of 5]

成人依赖共生的原因:

从出生到3岁，孩子们经历了一系列必要的发展过程，其中最重要的两个过程，一是母子之间建立安全的联结，二是孩子与父母心理上的分离。如果联结过程在1岁之前顺利完成，孩子们会感到安全，足以能够探索周围的世界。然后，在2岁到3岁之间，他们能够完成“心理出生”。继而，孩子们在心理上与父母分离，能够运用自我的内部力量，而不是依赖别人来指导自己的人生。这些孩子养成了自我意识，能够对自己的行为负责，能够分享、合作，还能够管理攻击冲动，恰当地对待他人的权威，学会用语言描述自己的感受，应对恐惧和焦虑情绪。如果孩子没有顺利地完成这些发展过程，他们会在心理上依赖别人，缺乏强烈的自我，不能与他人在情感上分离，而是寻求依赖共生的关系。这一过程中的无意识目的，就是为了帮助他们体验牢固的情感联结。

两个具有依赖心理的成人彼此之间建立联系，无意识的目的是完成生命早期的联结过程，这时候两人之间就存在依赖共生。在这种关系中，双方重新创造了一种类似于母子之间的共生关系。他们的依赖共生关系似乎是，试图通过将两个不完整的人组合在一起，创造一个共同的、完整的人。由于两人在幼儿时期缺乏牢固的联结，谁离开谁都无法自由地感受和行动，所以他们就像胶水一样粘在一起。关注的总是对方，而不是自己。
每个人都希望，能有人提供他/她在幼儿时期从未得到的东西：亲密和安全的联结。他们的关系不能成长，因为这个目标从来没有被意识到，也没有被说出来。结果，每个人都指望对方促使必要的成长发生。当他们的关系不能成长时，双方又试图相互控制，用问题指责对方，并期望对方以某种方式让他们变得更加亲近，满足他们无条件的爱、情感和照顾的需要。因为每个人都寄希望于对方，所以都会避免关注自身的发展。在依赖共生的关系中，人们的关注点总是朝外，而不是朝内。

四个连续的发展阶段：依赖共生、依赖无能、独立和相互依存的阶段，每个阶段都需要成功地实现必要的发展进程。阻碍这些发展进程的完成，破坏人类发展的是未被认识的和未被治愈的发展性创伤，特别是在依赖共生和依赖无能阶段持续的创伤

依赖共生：一种乍看是爱情，实则是病态的关系
1　始于生命早期6个月内的发育创伤
我们估计，大约有98%的美国人有依赖共生的症状，这些患者中只有不到1%的人能充分意识到依赖共生对生活的影响，能采取措施改变自己的现状的人更少。
依赖共生的症状
以下列举的是依赖共生的主要症状：
“沉迷”于人
感觉被困在受虐和被控的人际关系里
自尊心低下
需要别人持续的赞同和支持，才能让自己感觉良好
感觉无力改变破坏性的人际关系
需要酒精、食物、工作、性爱或其他一些外部刺激来分散注意力
心理边界不明确
感觉自己像一个烈士
讨好别人
无法体验真正的亲密和爱

依赖共生不是一种原发性的疾病，而是由生命最初6个月的发育创伤造成的。发展性创伤是由儿童和母亲之间太过长期或太过频繁的情感断裂造成的，成年照顾者无意或恶意地忽视儿童的社会需要和情感需要会导致婴儿和儿童产生这种创伤。发展性创伤会阻碍婴儿期建立安全的联结或完成基本的发育过程。缺乏安全的联结也会延迟儿童早期的另一个主要发展过程，这一过程经常被称为“心理出生”，最理想的情况是在2到3岁之间完成。我们认为，个体首先建立起安全的联结，才能在心理上完成分离过程。但是，至少有98%的人仍然在依赖共生和依赖无能问题上挣扎。因为父母通常没有完成自己的联结和分离过程，所以他们无法帮助自己的孩子完成相应的过程，甚至会下意识地抵制孩子们进行安全联结和心理分离行为的尝试。

依赖共生是一种文化现象。由于问题的普遍性，我们的整个文化可能有依赖共生的影子。美国的社会结构实际上取决于该行为的延续。从文化的角度来看，我们社会中的主要机构不经意地支持依赖共生的行为。事实上，纵观历史，大多数社会都是有结构的，因此有些群体的地位高于其他群体，例如男性高于女性，管理者高于劳动者。现在，人们改变他们的依赖共生行为，也是在更大程度上改变社会结构。

依赖共生模式循环发生。当个体在生命的最初6个月内没有完成某一发展任务，例如安全的联结，完成它的需要就会被作为额外的负担带到下一个发展阶段。因此，他几乎不可能在下一阶段的发展中成功地脱离父母。如果个体在12到16岁之间的发展重演过程中还不能完成联结和分离，这些未完成的任务就会被带到成年期，并继续破坏他的人际关系和家庭关系。依赖共生模式重复发生，是因为这一过程包含早期发展过程中意义不明的和尚未愈合的创伤。

那些成功完成依赖共生和依赖无能的基本发展过程的人不再依赖外界的人或事。他们内心有一种强烈的关于独特和自我的感觉，他们可以接近别人而且不用害怕会迷失自我。需要帮助时，他们会直接向别人求助，从而有效地满足自己的需要。最后，即使受到别人的批评，他们也能保持积极的自尊。马勒还发现，未能完成这一至关重要的发展过程，可能会剥夺他们全部的人性，强迫自己过着受恐惧、强迫和成瘾支配的严重受限的生活。

依赖共生，最常见的原因是出生时和出生后6个月出现创伤性联结。新生儿的神经系统对声音、触觉和气味都非常敏感，并且能够识别父母的声音、面孔和气味。他们已经适应了父母的存在，与父母分离太频繁或太久之后就会感到紧张。不幸的是，许多家长不明白这一点，可能仍然对婴儿需求和能力有着陈旧的观念。

这种亲密关系中的伴侣，在一来一往的互动中编织出深入的联系，他们并不总是在一起，还会相互争斗和争论，但是能够公平地对待对方，尊重对方的需要和感受。承诺和意识，让这一切成为可能。出于这个原因，我们宁愿把这种关系形式称为有意识的、有承诺的伴侣关系。

有意识的、有承诺的伴侣关系
以下的特征是这类关系的共有特点：

双方都认识到，每个人都把基于恐惧的行为模式和童年时期不受重视的创伤带入这段关系中。他们一致认为，这种关系的主要焦点是治愈这些核心问题，重塑与之相关的行为。

他们致力于保持冲突，直到个人意识和解决方案产生。
这种关系具有治疗功能。“治疗”这个词来源于希腊语“therapea”，意思是“完成整体的工作”。这种关系本身就是一个治愈和完善的过程。
这一关系的建立是一个发现的过程。你的意图是发现、理解和改变自己，而不是试图改变你的伴侣。

这一关系以自信为基础，而不是原始的信任：不要相信对方不会伤害你，你要更相信自己。这意味着你不会受到伴侣的伤害，对伴侣的伤害更少感到自责。如果你无意说了或做了任何伤害伴侣的事情，你可以相信他/她要负责，询问他/她想要从你那里得到什么，以减轻情绪上的伤害。
每个伴侣都会把对方视为一面镜子，可以有助于认清自己最深层的部分以及你避免看到的任何部分。
每个伴侣都关注与自己有关的关系。伴侣同意与他人合作并支持他人与自己的关系。
双方都认识到，孩子是他们最伟大的老师。孩子可以帮助你变得更具自我意识，并加深你爱自己和他人的能力。
解决与儿童的冲突，用的是支持他们寻求个人自主的方式。父母双方都放弃控制孩子的企图，而是去认识他们并向他们学习。
双方认识到，这些原则适用于所有的关系，包括老师——学生，雇主——员工，朋友——同事以及国与国之间。目标是帮助人类学会在和平与爱中共同相处。

[Q · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit outdated but still thought-provoking. This might make people seek out help if they find themselves in a similar situation.

[Nindya Chitra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Banyak banget ilmu tentang hubungan yang aku dapet dari buku ini yang juga menjelaskan banyak kegelisahanku selama ini. Terutama tentang pengaruh luka masa kecil dan luka keluarga terhadap hubungan di masa dewasa. Cukup mengejutkan ketika tahu lebih dari 90 persen populasi manusia masih ada di tahap psikologi codependency, yaitu tahap awal pertumbuhan psikologi yang harusnya kelar di usia 1-6 bulan masa awal kehidupan. Ini menjelaskan mengapa banyak dari kita yang seperti anak kecil meski tubuhnya sudah dewasa. Ternyata karena kebutuhan bonding kita saat kecil dulu nggak terpenuhi atau seringnya kurang. Di setiap orang, tingkat ketidakpenuhan ini bisa ringan, bisa pula berat. Karena itu ketika dewasa, kita berusaha memenuhinya dengan berbagai cara yang sayangnya, karena nggak paham dari mana akar lukanya, cuma bikin terjebak dalam drama hubungan tanpa solusi.

Jadi makin semangat untuk naik ke interdependency dan menyembuhkan incomplete bonding dari trauma-trauma masa kecilku.

Aku rekomendasikan buku ini untuk teman-teman yang mendambakan hubungan yang kaya dan bernutrisi, baik dengan diri sendiri, pasangan, keluarga, teman, komunitas, bahkan dunia secara keseluruhan. Dan bisa keluar dari hubungan simbiosis nggak sehat atau yang kita sebut kodependensi.

[Qasim Khokhar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very quality information has been shared. Authors are thorough and qualified professionals. But there is too much repetition. The book could have easily been reduced to 200 pages.
This book is whole syllabus for preparing potential parents for parenting.
During my healing journey and transformation (healing of narcissistic abuse, codependency ), I’ve observed through experience and research that whole societies, nation-states and cultures can be codependent, especially nation-states which face their own kind of “childhood trauma “. Even from last two years , I’m arranging my thoughts and notes to write a book on my nation which had its own developmental trauma at its birth and separation from India in the form of bloodshed, rapes, arson, mass murders. Title of this developing book is “Pakistan-a Codependent Nation-State”. Weinholds have validated my original thesis that whole nation-states can be and are codependent. This thesis seems disconcerting, and even eerie but incantation of self-love used to heal individuals is equally applicable on nation-states to address the formidable challenges of this terminal wrangle of codependency. I repeat-self love is answer, while razzle-dazzle of ego simply boomerangs though it has initially high buy-in.

[Alisa3 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eventhough heavy at times, but was super interesting to explore myself with it. Every chapter having just as many practical exercises as theory behind them. At times reading it felt like taking a breath of fresh air, not sure how to explain it, maybe becasue it reasured me that my life is in my hands after all.
Affected my relationship with parents, in a good way for sure.

[Anastasia Auld · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting book that looks on co-dependency from development perspective, however, the presence of esoteric concepts and authors’ openness to mystery and esoteric ideas are making me wonder and doubt the validity of content presented in the book. It took me a while to finish reading I’ve experienced a lot of resistance

[Vaas · Rating 4 out of 5]

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много десятилетий. Доказательств реального существования этих крайносB тей в их абсолютной форме не существует. Действительно же важным явB ляется то, чувствуете ли вы себя свободным на самом деле. Чувствуете ли вы, что относительно свободно управляете собственной жизнью или ктоBто другой в значительной степени управляет вашей жизнью? Существует два наиболее
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Наш подход к созависимости фактически начинается с нового определения понятия свободы. Вопрос о том, является ли наше поведение результатом собственной воли или оно обусловлено внешними факторами, обсуждался много десятилетий. Доказательств реального существования этих крайносB тей в их абсолютной форме не существует. Действительно же важным явB ляется то, чувствуете ли вы себя свободным на самом деле. Чувствуете ли вы, что относительно свободно управляете собственной жизнью или ктоBто другой в значительной степени управляет вашей жизнью? Существует два наиболее
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КтоBто однажды сказал: вы узнаете о том, что вы зависимый человек, тогда, когда, умирая, обнаружите, что перед вами промелькнет не ваша собственB ная, а чьяBто чужая жизнь

[Oksana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Одна із найнеобхідніших книг для психолога і для тих, хто хоче отримати нові глибокі інсайти про своє життя і про взаємодію із важливими людьми. Якщо ретельно виконувати завдання (що непросто), звільняється дуже багато задавненого болю. Звільняється і відускає. Дуже рекомендую усім і кожній

[Marina Andronova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Я не во всём согласна с авторами, однако заметно, что они прошли большой путь и много, всесторонне размышляли о том, что с ними происходило на этом пути. Я думаю, что в итоге этих размышлений получилась вполне годная книга, которую хорошо использовать для экспериментов по самопомощи.

[Mark Oplachko · Rating 5 out of 5]

Дуже, дуже практична книга для людей, які хочуть вийти із залежних стосунків.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

“truth will liberate you, but first it will piss you off”

[Elena · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful, but outdated

[Elizabeth Drake · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent in depth book on codependency and healing it. Lots of ideas and exercises as well.

[Jerry Liang · Rating 3 out of 5]

Too much content. Way too dense. Dropping for the book for now.

[Helena Nahirna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Чи то минули роки з моменту написання книжки... Чи то в мене вже забагато практики...

Ні про що книжка жля "погортати" по діагоналі. Замислилась, а чи рекомендувати молодим фахівцям? Думаю, таки ні.

[Iryna Nadieina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book for understanding reasons of co-dependency

[Jackson Childs · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this book very disappointing. I thought it was very poorly organized and poorly written. It's overly abstract, diffuse, repetitive, and inane. Despite taking several chapters to develop a highly detailed developmental theory of co-dependency (more or less presented without any attempt to persuade the reader), and then diagnosing the culture as a whole as suffering from it (something that should at best come at the end of the book), the authors failed to establish a clear picture of what exactly they are talking about. Perhaps some of this confusion can be illustrated by simply quoting their definition of co-dependency (6):

"We define co-dependency as the failure to complete the essential developmental process of secure bonding and the developmental tasks associated with it."

To me this is not a definition of co-dependency, but a cause of it. They are not the same thing. You might get closer to a definition by saying (which I don't believe the authors say this explicitly, so this is my interpretation) that co-dependency is where one or more people are in a relationship and their behavior is conditioned by inappropriate attempts to complete the process of secure bonding. But we're still left wondering what those "inappropriate attempts" are exactly. As for what exactly "secure bonding" is, and how to achieve it, or how to treat the failure to achieve it in childhood, the authors have many suggestions but again fail in my mind to precisely define what they are talking about. At best in both cases they offer a series of "symptoms", symptoms of co-dependency and symptoms of secure bonding. But they appear unable to formulate the question at a deeper level where the reader is able to fundamentally grasp one or the other. And the haphazard organization and litany of unstructured observations that fill up the rest of the book seems to flow from this failure. Again, they speak of "developmental tasks" but seem to repeatedly fail to explain what that means, what they look like, etc.

One suggestion in particular from the authors seems quite dubious, which is their idea that the best place to heal from the trauma's which create co-dependency is within an intimate relationship. To simplify, they suggest having your partner love your pain away. Now, it may be that this can be done in some cases. I'm not an expert. But it's shocking to me that the authors could recommend such a thing in a book about co-dependency without taking any time to address all the obvious problems and booby-traps inherent in such a strategy! Bluntly stated, the problem with co-dependency is that one or both partners are already trying to get the other partner to "love the pain away"!

Chapter 5 is the best part of the book, where the authors sketch out how what they call developmental traumas-which will be familiar to anyone who has learned about attachment theory-create traumatic patterns of behavior. What I found useful about this chapter was that it introduced me to the idea that children who are deprived of appropriate care and comfort during these traumatic moments don't learn how to regulate their own distressing emotions; children have to learn from being regulated by the loving presence and emotional care of their parents, they can't do it for themselves. Deprived of this, they suffer from "splitting" (not elaborated on here) and are forced into coping strategies that will ultimately harm them. So the suggestion here, not followed up on by the authors, is that part of recovering from co-dependent patterns (or whatever you want to call them) is learning to provide the specific kind of emotional (not cognitive) regulation that you need, or to find appropriate sources of it from others. In other words, to learn to comfort yourself.

[Dmitry Semenovykh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Читал во второй раз, одна из лучших известных мне книг по психотерапии. Местами не идеально структурирована, содержание глав не всегда соответсвует названиям. Но поскольку посвящена одной теме все содержание уместно. Содержит упражнения, чего мне обычно не хватает, но об эффективности судить не могу.

[Cyndi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely the best book I've read on the subject of co-dependency so far. The ONLY reason I didn't give it 5 stars is because there are quite a bit of "new-agey" techniques discussed that just don't fit me. Other than that, this book gives a very in-depth look at co-dependency; how it develops and how to overcome it. It is pretty high-level, going so far as to really get into the effect of co-depency on society and the world in general and how we are programmed into it by dyfunctional families, schools, government, media, movies, etc. The book also touches on counter-dependency, which is the other side of co-dependency, which most books on the subject just lump into possible other symptoms of co-dependcy itself. Luckily the authors also wrote an entire book about counter-depency, which I can't wait to read.

[Blair · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really got a lot out of this book. The first section of the book is fairly theoretical in its approach and sometimes starts to wander in to territory that might seem a bit too new-age for some folk. But the second part is the meat-and-potatoes with some practical ideas on how to work through codependency issues. I found some of it to be a bit more practical and hands-on than Beatty's "Codependent No More" and yet a little less formulaic in some ways than CoDA's 12 step program. I think it is well worth a read for anyone interested in codependency issues.

[Marie Stroughter]

Since I am currently reading it, I can't say too much about it other than to say that the things I've read so far really speak to me & find it to be profound without being technical, preachy, or too informal (i.e. first-person narratives or case-studies). I also really like some of the "scripts" the book offers to help with difficult conversations.

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I learned that you do not need others to make you feel happy or also to depend on others for everything in life. Also, I learned that the way you grow up with your parnets molds the person you are today and why you may depend on others for love, support, happiness and a feeling of being wanted.

[Bridgett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Codependency from the standpoint that it's caused by developmental trauma and most people have some degree of codependency, and our society as a whole is built on codependent ideas.

[Alex Murygin · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was hard to read this book and i think partially due to translation. But I think that knowledge from this book will help me in my life.
But need to re-read it.