I Promise: How 5 Essential Commitments Determine the Destiny of Your Marriage

by Gary Smalley

In "I Promise," America's foremost marriage expert comes to a startling new Great marriages are built on a foundation of trust, not behavioral skills. So, it's not enough to learn your partner's love language, become proficient in conflict resolution, learn to control your emotions and even become an expert in the bedroom. If your spouse does not feel safe enough to open up his or her heart without fear of being judged, criticized, blamed or rejected, nothing you do will be effective. It's only when couples feel emotionally "safe" that they can truly become one, as God intended. Based on 10 years of research, Dr. Gary Smalley shares five heartfelt promises you can make to your mate that are guaranteed to build trust and help your spouse become the true soulmate, lover and friend you desire.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Relationships, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Christian Living, Family

224 pages, Hardcover

Published January 1, 2006

About the author

Gary Smalley was one of the country's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He was the award-winning, best-selling author or coauthor of sixteen books, as well as several popular films and videos. The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love have won Gold Medallions, The Language of Love won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life, and his other titles have received Silver Medallions. His national infomercial Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.

Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.

Reviews

[☆Brittany☆ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started off loving this book then I hit a rough patch & hated it. I had to get my attitude better & change my priorities & now I love the book again, haha!

The author was pretty hard on the reader. He pretty much said if you think there is a problem in your marriage then YOU are the one to blame since you noticed there was a problem. And, if you even THINK the problem is your spouse then you are pretty much wrong. (I kind of summarized a lot, haha)

After a thorough self check I realized some of the problems we *do* have are a result of stuff I've been doing. Pretty much I realized how insecure & selfish I was & instead of putting the blame on my spouse I should have been trying to take that plank out of my own eye.

I could type on about this book but I'll just quickly say that it was a VERY good read & I'd highly recommend it to my married friends.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, I found the concepts in this book very pertinent and helpful for building close relationships. Unfortunately, I was sidetracked by some of the assumptions of the author, such as:

1. The importance of outward appearance, "Your own personal appearance can reflect the high value you place on your mate . . . . If you are fifty pounds overweight and he looks like an NFL linebacker, you will honor him by starting to count calories . . . . If she's a sharp dresser with coordinated outfits and coiffed hair, it's time for you to get a haircut and throw away your holey jeans" (p 41).

2. That men and women fall into stereotypical categories, "Women want to be attractive; men want to be strong. Therefore while beauty is important to women, men want to appear competent and equal to their task. These [innate] differences between the sexes are meant to complement each other. Each supplies to the marriage what the other lacks" (p 168).

3. Lust can easily be contained by reciting bible verses, "I repeated Galatians 5:13 over and over, working the principle of service into my heart to replace the selfishness of lustful thoughts . . . . Within two weeks if memorizing this verse and repeating it back to His from morning till night, lustful thoughts began to disappear" (p 195).

If you happen to agree with the author or can take a deep breath and skim through such sections, his main points are really worthwhile.

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not that I’ve read a lot of marriage books, but this is the best one I’ve read in terms of hitting me right where I’m at. The relationship needs emotional security above all else. Nothing else helps much without that. Lots of good lists for ways to change, with Christ and His gospel at the center and the only hope for lasting change. You cannot change others, but you can change by the power of the Holy Spirit. I read it in 3 days and will read it again.

[Tweedle Dumb · Rating 1 out of 5]

I disagree with security being the most important part of a marriage. Still important but not the most. Besides I feel secure in my marriage and I don't think security is an issue. The 5 promises aren't great. 3 are just to be a good Christian. 1 is to be selfless (good but I don't need 50 pages on why its good). and 1 is to communicate (really the only valid one).

[Joyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Applicable & Practical Truths

You can read this in order to acquire more information and “know” more about your marriage relationship or you can actually apply practical facts purposefully and take charge of creating a better home life for you, your spouse and your family.

[Jon Barr · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed his illustration of a relationship as a triangle. With God at the apex and the husband and wife at the other two corners. Instead of trying to get closer to each other, the man and wife should get closer to God which will bring them closer together.

[Jack · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not really a doctor, Gary Smalley has a MDiv and apparently an honorary doctorate. The book is poorly researched but it has some common sense ideas about communication that can undoubtedly help some people.

[Artrice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple but difficult commitments that is truly marriage changing.

[Lance Greenlee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Here’s the problem with this book (and many others like it): So many suffering couples contain one partner tired of the relationship, cool and distant, edging ever closer to moving on or at least not feeling it anymore; the other partner is struggling to hold it together, feeling rejected and becoming desperate. The partner that wants the relationship constantly seeks to find ways to bring them back together; the distant partner starts to feel trapped by these efforts and sees the other as becoming clingy. The partner anxious about maintaining the bond is far more likely to buy such a book; the other partner is tired of hearing about it. Yet, the book is a series of exercises intended to deepen the reader’s love for his or her spouse. Sometimes both spouses are ready to rebuild their marriage, but in the case of unequal desires, "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson - in spite of its age - addresses this problem better.

[Don · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an excellent book. Every time I read a good book on marriage and relationships I learn something new or get a new perspective on something I already learned.

Gary Smalley presents alot of great insights about marriages and how to make yours better. As a guy especially there are things in here that were blind spots to me until they were revealed. I highly recommend this book to anyone.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I approached this book, thinking I can reap the advice and skip the Christian passages: the advice is already proving helpful and the passages are gentle, reassuring reminders of the humanness that exists within us, good and bad. The Servant chapter is priceless.
I am typically a "once and done" reader, but I will be revisiting the pages in this book.

[Summer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is great for married couples and single people looking foreward to marriage some day. It helps us understand what we should expect out of each other and how we can change ourselves to get our marriage the way it should be. Good read.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great for anyone who is getting married, has been married for a few years, or for those married forever. Wonderful way to restore, revitalize, or just make your marriage and relationships better. Even if you are 100% happy with your life, these are great life tools that will rock your world.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

i have heard this author speak. love all his books1

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful in a wonderfully funny way .

[Otis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend married and pre-married couples to read this book together. Excellent book.

[Margaret · Rating 2 out of 5]

Offers good tips on having a good marriage.

[Brooke]

Charles and I are reading this as part of a 6 week marriage course at our church. So far we both LOVE it!

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book with good practicals and a sample "constitution" for you to sign with your spouse at the end.

[Angie]

I thought this book was oddly organized and repetitive, but definitely had some interesting ideas. I enjoyed the anecdotes about other couples.

[Dee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. Is awesome deep insight/perspective for all relationships whether parent/child, friends and of course marriages!

[Esme · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book did help me understand myself and my actions. Yes it is a Christian book but it opened my eyes.

[Debby Harris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good for married and soon-to-be-married couples. Recommended by our officiant.

[Bette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Outstanding book on marriage! Definitely will use this in pre-marital counseling.

[Jemimah Lieow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr Gary Smalley written this book from a married man and pastor point of view. Very precious and practical advises.

Although some of the way Dr Gary translated the Bible verses is not how I understand it, but it doesn't stop it from being a helpful book.

Really appreciates Dr Gary and his family for this gift. It is a blessing to me although I'm still a single :)

I think it would be helpful for couples to read this book before entering marriage.

The promises Dr Gary mentioned in his book (Sorry, a little spoilers):
I promise to conform my beliefs to God's truth.
I promise to be filled by God.
I promise to find God's best in every trial.
I promise to listen and communicate with love.
I promise to serve you all the days of my life.
~ is good for all kind of relationships when Dr Gary's advice is being practiced.

Although the fifth advice is most suitable for married couples, but we Christian are called to serve, so it is still a practicable advice in all relationships :)

Glad that God 'sent' me this book.