For Better or for Best

by Gary Smalley, Norma Smalley

So you want your husband to: - be sensitive to your emotional and romantic needs? - comfort you when you're down? - spend more time with you? - listen to what you have to say? - appreciate you? - do more around the house? - spend time with the kids? - be your most intimate friend? Gary Smalley explains what motivates men and how women can use their natural attractive qualities to build a better marriage. He helps women to understand not only the way men think, but also how to move a man's heart. Using case histories and biblical illustrations, he solves with empathy, humor, and wisdom every practical and emotional problem a woman can face in her marriage.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christian, Family, Self Help, Faith

169 pages, Mass Market Paperback

Published December 8, 1996

About the author

Gary Smalley was one of the country's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He was the award-winning, best-selling author or coauthor of sixteen books, as well as several popular films and videos. The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love have won Gold Medallions, The Language of Love won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life, and his other titles have received Silver Medallions. His national infomercial Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.

Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.

Reviews

[Ellen Chesser · Rating 5 out of 5]

It made me cry, it made me nod my head furiously...but most of all, challenged me!!!

As a very headstrong, outspoken wife of a very laid back and timid husband, we find ourselves at odds often.

But this ball put the ball in my court and showed me how I was messing up disastrously in many areas of our marriage as well as my high expectations of my husband. I can't tell you how many times I bawled through chapters just hoping that my tears were not founded in conviction...well they surely were. Thank you for a playbook for wives to help us better understand how our husbands operate and how to do our jobs as wives to uplift and selflessly love.

[Angela · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is more about manipulation techniques rather than helpful marriage and communication principles.

[Elizabeth · Rating 1 out of 5]

To quote Friends: it's not that [the book] is bad. It's - it's that [it's] so bad it makes me want to push my finger through my eye, into my brain, and swirl it around.

This book is so demeaning towards woman. It also says that manipulation is not manipulation if it's for the man's good. But actually, manipulation is manipulation. How about I tell my husband that what he's doing is hurting me and he listens because he loves me?

This was a frustrating, disturbing read. My counselor recommended I burn it, but alas I have a digital copy.

[Maria Gable · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF

I wish it were possible to give a book zero stars… because this one deserved negative ten stars but I would have been satisfied with zero.

I only made it through page 77 and the absolutely outrageous amount of suggestions to manipulate your husband and treat him like he’s a petulant child instead of a grown man worthy of respect were too much for me to handle carrying on with reading it (despite how badly I wanted to give an annotated review to encourage people to not ever pick up this book).

None of the advice was biblical. And to add fuel to that fire the suggestions in the area of human psychology were so bad, I doubt that any self-respecting counselor/therapist/psychologist would have ever suggested the tactics and “tricks” detailed in this book. And furthermore the format of this book felt like an add on the shopping channels to sell you snake oil.

Don’t buy it, ladies. Not the snake oil, not this book, and don’t ever buy that you ever need to have “tactics” to develop healthy and cooperative and God-honoring communication with your husband.

I will be throwing the book away.

[Heather · Rating 2 out of 5]

Blerg. Started out as a good read but quickly became a typical ultra conservative viewpoint of marriage & the role of wifey to nurture & elevate her hubby while lowering her expectations & removing part of her brain so she can have a happy & satisfying marriage.

[Jaymin Ewens · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have many feelings about this. Some good, some terrible. I think a lot of the advice is practical, but at the same time, this book feels like it was written for housewives in the 50's. I have a lot to think about, and even more to pray about.

[Emma Maher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gary Smalley is a wonderful person. He has now gone home to the Lord a few years ago, but his son Greg Smalley is also a very talented, honest, kind-hearted person and a wonderful marriage counsellor. This book was practical, thought provoking and I've heard many things discussed before e.g. the I feel statements instead of you did this or that statements. Its good that authors rehash and explore familiar points to strengthen and help relationships, friendships and of course marriages from hardships, rough seas and distruction. Sometimes repetition is important and Its sometimes necessary for different authors to repeat familiar things that we know very well but we have to keep being reminded to work on in ourselves and in our marriages. This book was laid out very well and I enjoyed many of Gary's examples and case studies to illustrate his suggestions and points of instruction. Definitely a book worth reading IF you want to read a good marriage book and be a better wife or husband to your spouse.

[Helen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was highly recommended to me, and I am sad that it did not deliver. There is some redeeming advice (i.e. commit to your marriage, love your spouse even when you do not feel loved, etc.). But most of this book's tone directly contradicted it's brief moments of good advice.
Manipulation is peddled as a tool to build a happier and healthier marriage throughout. This book encourages a wife to act and appear certain ways in order to gain her husband's [fill in the blank] (attention, help, affection...). While there is some logic hidden in there, this is normally misguided and used as a manipulation tactic (although Smalley says that is not what he wants).

I would not recommend this book to a young believer or someone without a strong biblical background who can decipher the truth according to the Bible. I skimmed the second half once I realized this book was not getting any better.

[Cheryl · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was quite old-fashioned. It often talked about the woman taking care of the house and kids and men working. It also occasionally talked about sex being used to motivate men. A lot of things he said were good but the whole book was written in a do this don't do that kind of way which i didn't enjoy throughout. i underlined some things i'd later refer to but the rest of the book i wont read again. the first chapter shared several examples of marriage problems and each paragraph had me thankful my husband and i actually talk to each o0ther and listen to each other unlike those couples, it made me feel like a book about those issues would be sad actually and a lot of it was.

[Cammie Jordan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought there was some really good advise in this book, although I thought some of thinking was a bit "dated" (it was originally written in 1979).

There was one part of the book that I will probably always remember when Gary Smalley related a story of how a lady went through a horrific event early in her young life and how she could look at this event in a different way other than being a "victim". I had to re-read the couple of pages because they almost seemed harsh, but after reading them a second time & thinking about what he said... I felt it was brilliant advice.

I would recommend this book to any woman looking to understand her husband a bit better.

[Cosa Walsingham · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is horrible. Only a few good points about how men deserve to be respected and praised. The rest is simply about how to manipulate your husband into doing the "honey do list". there are much better books out their on how to love and appreciate your husband without having to read on "keeping yourself fit because it is important to maintain attraction so your husband does not get bored" and "how no husband wants a depressed and unfit wife."


Not worth your time.

[Clare S-B · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book, great to read together and discuss what we actually think, because books have to generalise and the best way to understand your man is to talk to him! It was a tad repetitive of its companion book about understanding women, but still good and inciteful, and helpful to read through. But also good to remember it is a little one sided because it has a companion book aimed at the opposite gender, which mostly says a lot of the same things just switched around.

[Kristal · Rating 1 out of 5]

Whew. This gem. I was recommended to read this book when I got married. It’s all about ways to trick your husband into treating you with any respect or care with manipulation. It also suggests ways you can mold yourself into something he might find lovable. Barf.

[Liz Gladwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book, I feel I have learned so much about relationships and men even though I’m not in a relationship. I found this book has helped me to sort out some issues with solutions in my friend’s lives and family.

[Kayla Willis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great book

[Davis Haguma]

Excellent work. Recommended to all the ladies.

[Written Melodies]

The one thing that sticks with me to this day are the "I feel" statements.

[Brandy Sexton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazingly practical ways to grow your marriage! I loved it!

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall an enlightening read for wives or anyone wanting to love and respect a man better. A lot of practical and straightforward ideas set within a Christian worldview (although I think anyone who desires to live a good life and have healthy romantic relationships would find this book to give helpful advice). I most appreciated Smalley's emphasis on personal responsibility: marriage is hard work and you can do quite a bit yourself to improve problem areas and strengthen love.
You can tell the book was written awhile ago as some of the gender portrayals feel dated. I think that the style is a little repetitive at times and some of it is a little cheesy. But altogether I found this to be a valuable read. If you go into it genuinely wanting to learn something and improve your relationship I think you will.

[H.M. Chambers · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some rather helpful information, especially the reminders that we have to tell men what we want from them instead of leaving them to guess. I also found interesting and useful the explanation of the "salt principle". However, this book has a depressing affect on even a woman completely in love and just now planning her wedding with her wonderful man - it speaks of all these problems as if you will inevitably develop each and everyone of these problems in your marriage no matter what. I have read many books about marriage and the way men think and how we can be better partners, lovers, and wives. While the salt principle was a new concept in this book, nothing else was, and I like the organization and presentation of most of the other books I have read.

[Sheila · Rating 5 out of 5]

every time i pick up this book and open it, i learn something new, even if i already knew it, there is just something about refreshing my memory concerning my husband-to-be. i love this book, and i bought several more other gary smalley books because of it. of course it is a companion book for your hubby to read "if he only knew" at the same time, its a book of understanding the wife. if you want your husband to read it, you need to "salt" your conversation and you learn that from this book. it is a must read for relationships, what have you got to lose?

[Lauren Voeltz]

It really teaches about the difference between the way women percieve what men do and what men are actually doing. It clarifies a lot, expecially if you have no idea what is going on in your husband's mind or if he just drives you crazy (in good and bad ways). It really showed me where he was coming from.

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the best book on marital relationships I have ever read, and it really helps. This book was recommended to me by a woman who almost left her husband, but changed it by reading Gary Smalley's books. I love his biblical approach to changing your relationship for the better with your husband. I highly recommend it!

[Dani · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have problems understanding men, THIS is the book to read. This book brought my fiance and I so much closer together. It helped me to understand his needs and how I could help him in his wants.

[Victoria B. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Has some hokey old "Leave-it-to-Beaver" stuff, but I liked finding out that "Men are buffaloes; women are butterflies." I felt like the book kinda said men were jerks, though. Luckily, I don't find that that's the case with my fiance.

[Tammyribbey ribbey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gary Smalley really has done his homework on relationships and how woman can turn theirs around. When these principles are applied, you will get results. Even the most hard headed prideful man will melt.

[Arlie · Rating 3 out of 5]

A decent book with some biblical approaches to one of life's most important relationships. There were some good reminders, but the book format seems to oversimplify. (Is it the format? Or the message?)

The best thing I took from this book? Happy families are camping families.

[Helen Hanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of practical information. Lots of things sounded good and increased my understanding of the way men think. Just not sure how much I'll try and put into practice. The last chapter in itself was great.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

how to be more patient with my fiance. to understand his needs and to have him fulfill mine without arguement. i've also learned many things that i do that are upsetting to him.

[Jonathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the very good resources my wife and I use when we counsel with couples regarding their marriage.