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Loves Me, Loves Me Not: The Ethics of Unrequited Love
It hurts when the one you love doesn't love you back. It's hard to be the object of someone's desires when you just don't feel the same way. How should Christians deal with these situations? There are hundreds of books describing how to build lasting relationships or how to lead a chaste life as a single person. There are very few books, however, describing how to deal with unrequited love. With Loves Me, Loves Me Not, Laura Smit fills this void.
Smit tackles this universal human experience with intelligence, sympathy, and wit. An accessible book, Loves Me, Loves Me Not will be an invaluable tool for youth pastors; singles group leaders; college students; and students of human sexuality, marriage and family, and Christian ethics.
Smit tackles this universal human experience with intelligence, sympathy, and wit. An accessible book, Loves Me, Loves Me Not will be an invaluable tool for youth pastors; singles group leaders; college students; and students of human sexuality, marriage and family, and Christian ethics.
266 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 2005
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120 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
February 27, 2013
This book is so gutsy, not only for its insights on the ethics of unrequited love, which Smit eventually gets to, but for the practical theology of interaction between the sexes that she lays as foundation for her thesis. It has been presented as a book for single people, but it's really for anyone who can handle footnotes. She presents ideas that would make the church so productive, but these ideas will be left untried because they are really difficult (to appropriate Chesterton). Few people will want to separate themselves from assumptions of their wider culture or from the variations on those assumptions held by various Christian subcultures, to seriously try what Smit proposes - even though it's beautiful and right on. This book deepened my realization of what heaven will be.
July 2, 2017
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Laura A. Smit's Loves Me, Loves Me Not: The Ethics of Unrequited Love." Though unrequited love (love given but not reciprocated) comprises the unifying core of the book, Smit addresses other areas, including relationships, household arrangements, and theology. Along the way she draws upon Scripture and Christian thinkers such as Simone Weil, Charles Williams, C.S. Lewis, Max Stackhouse, and Peter Kreeft. Smit also interacts with non-Christian thinkers or publications that have helped shape the romantic landscape, such as the popular 2004 self-help book "He's Just Not That Into You," co-written by two consultants on the TV show "Sex and the City," pop songs, and Hollywood movies like "High Fidelity" and "When Harry Met Sally." Although published by Baker Academic, "Loves Me, Loves Me Not" is not an esoteric tome; Smit uses examples and sources that are easy to access and understand (even using Shakespeare, who, in the disintegrating Western canon, is still widely studied in high school) and relies heavily upon two studies, one she conducted herself and another conducted at Case Western University (p. 10).
When it comes to love and romance in the Christian context, Smit observes many questions are not commonly addressed such as "Is it worse to fantasize about a made-up person or someone I actually know?" and "Has God destined me to be with one person and if so, how much of the onus is on me to seek him/her?" (both paraphrases, p. 17-18). In the former question, I take Smit to be referring to an idealized romantic partner but she also notes that we tend to ignore whether or not our inner life is being pure and godly (p. 17-19). Another common question is what is God’s role in cultivating or preserving a romantic relationship. Smit believes we should NOT pray for God to intervene because then love would not be free but be the product (at least partially) of (divine) manipulation. God DOES give us free will and we do have personal agency, but I see asking God to incline another’s heart towards us to be akin to asking for God to soften the heart of an unbeliever towards Him so that the unbeliever eventually comes to faith. I don’t think this dishonours the other person’s own agency and it does not ask God to override their autonomy in order to accomplish a conversion, but perhaps God becomes more appealing to them in minute ways through various means and events. Perhaps a prayer for another to reciprocate love works like that. As Fyodor Dostoevsky writes, “Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them.”
Smit sees two dominant approaches to love in culture. One follows the ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes, who saw "romantic love as a completion of the self, the joining with the particular partner God has designed for each person to bring wholeness to otherwise incomplete lives" (p. 35). Smit believes this is the perspective most common among Christians today, but she favours the "Dantean perspective" which "was dominant among most Christians for much of history" and which sees "romantic love as one of many possible pointers toward an encounter with God, who is himself love and beauty, goodness and truth" (p. 35). Unrequited love can point us to God (p. 59-60).
Falling in love, a "universal and transcultural" experience (p. 46), can occur quickly and be deeply passionate as a new couple, heady with the excitement of young love, seek to discover more about that other. But Smit also points to the fruit of intimacy that has developed over a long time; the long-married couple is bounded to one another through a rich affection that lasts and cares for the other even if sexual excitement may decline (p. 47). One particular challenge in dating is the potential fallout that can result when two friends explore a romance between them since it is often difficult to maintain that friendship if it fails (p. 213, 215).
Smit also exquisitely disarms a popular idea (myth) that makes the rounds in evangelical circles – if you are single, then you have more time to do things and you have a more flexible lifestyle. Actually, Smit remarks that while this is sometimes the case, many singles still have relational demands in their family and friendships as well as household chores (p. 79). Smit notes we in the West tend to lift up and laud the nuclear family (she contends the “multiply” in Gen. 1:28 is not actually a commandment), but in many cultures, extended family are in close contact, even under the same roof. Those who are in their twenties and still live at home are perceived as being immature and singles often hang out together to create their own peer communities (p. 80-81). Smit exhorts singles not just to be around other singles but to interact socially with every part of Christ’s Church, including those very different from them such as married people, seniors, and children (p. 81).
One of the most moving observations Smit makes is that unrequited love can teach us to love without expecting anything in return (which is how we SHOULD be living anyways). She writes, “for some people, a deep experience of unrequited love helps to break the false connection between love and the meeting of needs, since loving someone who does not love you back does not meet many of your needs for affirmation or relationship” (p. 125). Those with whom we give unrequired love serve as icons to God as we love them without expecting anything in return (p. 242-43).
Smit notes a shift in emotions in our culture over the centuries. Whereas in the past, such as in the novels of Jane Austen, women were encouraged to practice “restraint” and “sensibility,” today we live in a tell-all world (think of how popular writers such as Glennon Doyle Melton and Rachel Held Evans are, who write in a very “confessional” vein). Smit urges us to recognize that emotional modesty (where we DO NOT practice full disclosure) can be just as important as physical modesty (think of the signals our emotional reactions can communicate to others, p. 97). A similar problem afflicts men who find it challenging to navigate changing attitudes towards how to treat women (drawing from the classic book “From Front Porch to Backseat,” Smit notes the era of the front porch actually gave women more autonomy since she was more in control in that setting); if the woman is more independent-minded, she may feel some of the man’s actions reek of a condescending paternalism (p. 91, 97).
Pages 110-116 are particularly fascinating as Smit explores the phenomenon of “falling upward” – the tendency for men and women to desire someone “above them” (this is not limited to romantic attractions; we may “fall upward” or have someone “fall upward” towards us in the context of a friendship and we should know how to respond graciously, p. 116-119). Some of this is rooted in biological causes but Smit provides helpful suggestions for how Christians are to respond. Beauty is not, of course, limited only to physical attraction but also includes the very fact that the other human being is made in the image of God and may have an “inner beauty” about them that is itself beautiful. Smit writes:
“Although we may not be able to exert direct control over our romantic attractions, we can consciously ask God to reorder our heart so that we are drawn to qualities and personal attributes that please him, so that we move closer to seeing others with his eyes, seeing inner beauty or attractiveness, not just the external” (p. 114).
Related to this, Smit draws a distinction between “continence” and “temperance.” The former makes us restrain and check our deep desires whereas the latter, to which “Christians are called” is:
“a state of life in which desires themselves are transformed rather than simply resisted. Temperance is marked not only by self-control but also by modesty and even by an appropriate shame. Temperance recoils from evil rather than being drawn to it. When we become genuinely temperate people, we are no longer at war with our desires; we have come to desire only what God desires for us” (p. 133).
The true appreciation of beauty requires cultivating and transforming our desires so that they long for the truth, goodness, and beauty that is found in God. Are we romantically attracted to someone solely based on appearance or because they reflect the heart of God? We are responsible for training our desires to seek after the proper things (though we need God helps in this as we are often led by a fallen nature which amplifies our desire for physical beauty, p. 119-120). In line with training our desires, she also exhorts us to train our imaginations; purity is not only a physical thing but is to be practiced in the inner life too (p. 161). Our imaginations play a role practically in helping us to envisage how it would look asking someone out (what should we say? when should we say it? etc…) but they can also be destructive if they feed us false fantasies that objectify or commodify the other (p. 173-174). Smit further states:
“Therefore, loving imagination never seeks to use a person as an extension of ourselves but rather sees the potential of the other’s essence realized. This ability to imagine the beauty that is coming as well as the beauty that is present is activated by love and made possible by imagination. Love lets us see one another as we may someday be. Love gives us insight into the divine spark in another. A loving vision sees potentiality fully activated” (p. 178).
However, Smit also seems to suggest that chemistry/attraction ARE important and that if these do not develop, the relationship will likely have to end (p. 157). I think she is referring to the chemistry/attraction of personalities as opposed to a physical sensation.
Sometimes we are drawn to love someone we think we need and cannot live without, but this can also work backwards so that we come to love someone who fulfills our needs (p. 120-121). We need to be sober-minded about whether our love is truly based on desiring the best for the other, but sometimes a couple finds themselves fulfilling each other’s needs in a good and caring way and sometimes “The desire for marriage, the 'need' to be in the other person’s presence, will grow out of love for the other person” (p. 124-125, 128). Pages 148-150 provide some vitally important perspectives on “maleness,” “femaleness,” and the move in our society to elevate “sexuality,” so that “sexuality” has now taken the place of what the soul was to people in the Middle Ages.
Not only readable, "Loves Me, Loves Me Not" is also practical. Smit explains that one way of determining if love is sent by God is if you are made alive and aware to the other's glory and dignity as a child of the Father made in the image of God and if love goes awry and you are rejected, if you find yourself coming to God and asking for His love to sustain you through the disappointment (p. 39). Smit also suggests we play some role in a potential romance – have we been seeking after it ourselves already? She advises that we do not gossip about our crush to EVERYONE since this undermines the other person’s dignity by making them an object of speculation (plus, gossip usually runs rampant); instead, we should pray for them (p. 219-221). Smit declares that we should be able to say “no” to an invitation to date without having to come up with (perhaps a dishonest!) excuse as not everyone has a claim on us to require such an explanation, least of all those who are mere acquaintances (p. 78). Smit also provides practical guidance for how to get over failed love (p. 238-239).
Throughout the book, Smit emphasizes that contra the message of the contemporary church, singleness is actually the default Christian lifestyle; the Christian needs a good reason to enter into a relationship and Smit writes as someone who herself admits she will likely remain celibate and single (p. 196). As my review has (hopefully) conveyed, “Loves Me, Loves Me Not” is an excellent book about unrequited love, love itself, dating, and relationships.
When it comes to love and romance in the Christian context, Smit observes many questions are not commonly addressed such as "Is it worse to fantasize about a made-up person or someone I actually know?" and "Has God destined me to be with one person and if so, how much of the onus is on me to seek him/her?" (both paraphrases, p. 17-18). In the former question, I take Smit to be referring to an idealized romantic partner but she also notes that we tend to ignore whether or not our inner life is being pure and godly (p. 17-19). Another common question is what is God’s role in cultivating or preserving a romantic relationship. Smit believes we should NOT pray for God to intervene because then love would not be free but be the product (at least partially) of (divine) manipulation. God DOES give us free will and we do have personal agency, but I see asking God to incline another’s heart towards us to be akin to asking for God to soften the heart of an unbeliever towards Him so that the unbeliever eventually comes to faith. I don’t think this dishonours the other person’s own agency and it does not ask God to override their autonomy in order to accomplish a conversion, but perhaps God becomes more appealing to them in minute ways through various means and events. Perhaps a prayer for another to reciprocate love works like that. As Fyodor Dostoevsky writes, “Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them.”
Smit sees two dominant approaches to love in culture. One follows the ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes, who saw "romantic love as a completion of the self, the joining with the particular partner God has designed for each person to bring wholeness to otherwise incomplete lives" (p. 35). Smit believes this is the perspective most common among Christians today, but she favours the "Dantean perspective" which "was dominant among most Christians for much of history" and which sees "romantic love as one of many possible pointers toward an encounter with God, who is himself love and beauty, goodness and truth" (p. 35). Unrequited love can point us to God (p. 59-60).
Falling in love, a "universal and transcultural" experience (p. 46), can occur quickly and be deeply passionate as a new couple, heady with the excitement of young love, seek to discover more about that other. But Smit also points to the fruit of intimacy that has developed over a long time; the long-married couple is bounded to one another through a rich affection that lasts and cares for the other even if sexual excitement may decline (p. 47). One particular challenge in dating is the potential fallout that can result when two friends explore a romance between them since it is often difficult to maintain that friendship if it fails (p. 213, 215).
Smit also exquisitely disarms a popular idea (myth) that makes the rounds in evangelical circles – if you are single, then you have more time to do things and you have a more flexible lifestyle. Actually, Smit remarks that while this is sometimes the case, many singles still have relational demands in their family and friendships as well as household chores (p. 79). Smit notes we in the West tend to lift up and laud the nuclear family (she contends the “multiply” in Gen. 1:28 is not actually a commandment), but in many cultures, extended family are in close contact, even under the same roof. Those who are in their twenties and still live at home are perceived as being immature and singles often hang out together to create their own peer communities (p. 80-81). Smit exhorts singles not just to be around other singles but to interact socially with every part of Christ’s Church, including those very different from them such as married people, seniors, and children (p. 81).
One of the most moving observations Smit makes is that unrequited love can teach us to love without expecting anything in return (which is how we SHOULD be living anyways). She writes, “for some people, a deep experience of unrequited love helps to break the false connection between love and the meeting of needs, since loving someone who does not love you back does not meet many of your needs for affirmation or relationship” (p. 125). Those with whom we give unrequired love serve as icons to God as we love them without expecting anything in return (p. 242-43).
Smit notes a shift in emotions in our culture over the centuries. Whereas in the past, such as in the novels of Jane Austen, women were encouraged to practice “restraint” and “sensibility,” today we live in a tell-all world (think of how popular writers such as Glennon Doyle Melton and Rachel Held Evans are, who write in a very “confessional” vein). Smit urges us to recognize that emotional modesty (where we DO NOT practice full disclosure) can be just as important as physical modesty (think of the signals our emotional reactions can communicate to others, p. 97). A similar problem afflicts men who find it challenging to navigate changing attitudes towards how to treat women (drawing from the classic book “From Front Porch to Backseat,” Smit notes the era of the front porch actually gave women more autonomy since she was more in control in that setting); if the woman is more independent-minded, she may feel some of the man’s actions reek of a condescending paternalism (p. 91, 97).
Pages 110-116 are particularly fascinating as Smit explores the phenomenon of “falling upward” – the tendency for men and women to desire someone “above them” (this is not limited to romantic attractions; we may “fall upward” or have someone “fall upward” towards us in the context of a friendship and we should know how to respond graciously, p. 116-119). Some of this is rooted in biological causes but Smit provides helpful suggestions for how Christians are to respond. Beauty is not, of course, limited only to physical attraction but also includes the very fact that the other human being is made in the image of God and may have an “inner beauty” about them that is itself beautiful. Smit writes:
“Although we may not be able to exert direct control over our romantic attractions, we can consciously ask God to reorder our heart so that we are drawn to qualities and personal attributes that please him, so that we move closer to seeing others with his eyes, seeing inner beauty or attractiveness, not just the external” (p. 114).
Related to this, Smit draws a distinction between “continence” and “temperance.” The former makes us restrain and check our deep desires whereas the latter, to which “Christians are called” is:
“a state of life in which desires themselves are transformed rather than simply resisted. Temperance is marked not only by self-control but also by modesty and even by an appropriate shame. Temperance recoils from evil rather than being drawn to it. When we become genuinely temperate people, we are no longer at war with our desires; we have come to desire only what God desires for us” (p. 133).
The true appreciation of beauty requires cultivating and transforming our desires so that they long for the truth, goodness, and beauty that is found in God. Are we romantically attracted to someone solely based on appearance or because they reflect the heart of God? We are responsible for training our desires to seek after the proper things (though we need God helps in this as we are often led by a fallen nature which amplifies our desire for physical beauty, p. 119-120). In line with training our desires, she also exhorts us to train our imaginations; purity is not only a physical thing but is to be practiced in the inner life too (p. 161). Our imaginations play a role practically in helping us to envisage how it would look asking someone out (what should we say? when should we say it? etc…) but they can also be destructive if they feed us false fantasies that objectify or commodify the other (p. 173-174). Smit further states:
“Therefore, loving imagination never seeks to use a person as an extension of ourselves but rather sees the potential of the other’s essence realized. This ability to imagine the beauty that is coming as well as the beauty that is present is activated by love and made possible by imagination. Love lets us see one another as we may someday be. Love gives us insight into the divine spark in another. A loving vision sees potentiality fully activated” (p. 178).
However, Smit also seems to suggest that chemistry/attraction ARE important and that if these do not develop, the relationship will likely have to end (p. 157). I think she is referring to the chemistry/attraction of personalities as opposed to a physical sensation.
Sometimes we are drawn to love someone we think we need and cannot live without, but this can also work backwards so that we come to love someone who fulfills our needs (p. 120-121). We need to be sober-minded about whether our love is truly based on desiring the best for the other, but sometimes a couple finds themselves fulfilling each other’s needs in a good and caring way and sometimes “The desire for marriage, the 'need' to be in the other person’s presence, will grow out of love for the other person” (p. 124-125, 128). Pages 148-150 provide some vitally important perspectives on “maleness,” “femaleness,” and the move in our society to elevate “sexuality,” so that “sexuality” has now taken the place of what the soul was to people in the Middle Ages.
Not only readable, "Loves Me, Loves Me Not" is also practical. Smit explains that one way of determining if love is sent by God is if you are made alive and aware to the other's glory and dignity as a child of the Father made in the image of God and if love goes awry and you are rejected, if you find yourself coming to God and asking for His love to sustain you through the disappointment (p. 39). Smit also suggests we play some role in a potential romance – have we been seeking after it ourselves already? She advises that we do not gossip about our crush to EVERYONE since this undermines the other person’s dignity by making them an object of speculation (plus, gossip usually runs rampant); instead, we should pray for them (p. 219-221). Smit declares that we should be able to say “no” to an invitation to date without having to come up with (perhaps a dishonest!) excuse as not everyone has a claim on us to require such an explanation, least of all those who are mere acquaintances (p. 78). Smit also provides practical guidance for how to get over failed love (p. 238-239).
Throughout the book, Smit emphasizes that contra the message of the contemporary church, singleness is actually the default Christian lifestyle; the Christian needs a good reason to enter into a relationship and Smit writes as someone who herself admits she will likely remain celibate and single (p. 196). As my review has (hopefully) conveyed, “Loves Me, Loves Me Not” is an excellent book about unrequited love, love itself, dating, and relationships.
January 30, 2009
This book, written by a Presbyterian pastor and theologian, deals with unrequited love from a Christian perspective. While an unusual topic, she deals with it with compassion and grace. Topics include reasons for accepting/rejecting love, how to reject someone in a kind way, and what to do if you are rejected. The book jumped around from topic and topic in some cases, but generally presented a very interesting perspective on topics that are rarely discussed.
May 7, 2018
The title and description of this book might lead you to believe that it is centered on the subject of unrequited love. And, OK… it is. Which is great. As the author points out, pretty much everybody has had to either experience rejection, or reject someone else. Even if you haven’t, you know someone who has. And yet how many books out there actually offer counsel on the subject, from a Christian perspective? I know of one, and this is it.
This book covers a lot more than unrequited love, though. Smit runs the whole gamut of singleness and relationships, too. I will go so far as to say it is the best book on any of these subjects that I’ve read, offering a wealth of wisdom and common sense. The world needs those things.
So…
Are you single? Read this. Happily in love? Read it. Unhappily in love? Read it. In a position of advising/comforting any of the above? Read it. And have a nice, colorful crayon handy. You're gonna want to highlight this puppy.
This book covers a lot more than unrequited love, though. Smit runs the whole gamut of singleness and relationships, too. I will go so far as to say it is the best book on any of these subjects that I’ve read, offering a wealth of wisdom and common sense. The world needs those things.
So…
Are you single? Read this. Happily in love? Read it. Unhappily in love? Read it. In a position of advising/comforting any of the above? Read it. And have a nice, colorful crayon handy. You're gonna want to highlight this puppy.
October 8, 2020
Really good look at the ethics and value in unrequited love, and also some ZINGERS on the topics of singleness and marriage. Highly recommend.
Read
July 3, 2008This is a unique and much-needed book for single Christians. Unrequited love, whether from the perspective of the lover or the beloved, is rarely discussed properly in Christian circles and almost never written about seriously. By contrast there is a small army of Christian books on dating and marriage that are quite superficial. This book is better. It is written by a woman who is a dean of chapel and assistant professor of theology at Calvin College in Michigan. She has lots of pastoral experience and is single herself. She blends interviews with careful reformed theological reflection and some wonderful insights from great literature in this book.
Smit is very witty in pointing out that a lot of Christian treatment of sexual ethics consists in preaching to the choir and avoiding the areas where Christians are most likely to struggle. For example, she investigates the darker side of believing that God might have one soul-mate destined for each person, the spiritual games people can play to turn someone down or lead them on, to what extent we can modify our affections and romantic preferences so as to be more mature.
Smit argues that unrequited love has a purpose in the world that God has made. Being made aware of the image and glory of another person as made in the image of God, and as a free person not meant to be controlled by another human being, is part of that purpose. She follows the Augustinian path of calling Christians to learn to desire what God desires. It is fascinating that Smit finds that of the students at Calvin ,’more than half of them believe that God has chosen one specific individual for them to marry’. However, ‘less than one-third of the same students believe that God ahs determined one particular career for them to follow.’ Perceptively she notes that it is a particular belief about marriage not about ‘deterministic providence’ that is at work here. To me this shows how privatised and self-centred a lot of western evangelical Christianity has become. It is no wonder so many Christians spiritualise their problems surrounding singleness and dating; this is a great way to avoid responsibility and risk-taking.
Clearly the author has high standards for Christian marriage. Christians are told not to marry merely because they feel insecure, afraid, want to escape their parents, or want financial stability or affirmation. ‘Christians should marry only those who enhance their ability to live Christlike lives’. Clearly she is opposed to codependency. Sometimes Smit is rather naïve. For example she doubts whether sexual addiction is that common among Christians. The reality is that there are plenty of people with unresolved sexual problems in the churches. Greater insight into these might have grounded the book more in bodily reality. Nevertheless the author is to be commended for having written a rich, fair and uplifting book on unrequited love – something the Christian community in western countries, which has so many single adults, including many who do not want to be lifelong singles, desperately needs.
Smit is very witty in pointing out that a lot of Christian treatment of sexual ethics consists in preaching to the choir and avoiding the areas where Christians are most likely to struggle. For example, she investigates the darker side of believing that God might have one soul-mate destined for each person, the spiritual games people can play to turn someone down or lead them on, to what extent we can modify our affections and romantic preferences so as to be more mature.
Smit argues that unrequited love has a purpose in the world that God has made. Being made aware of the image and glory of another person as made in the image of God, and as a free person not meant to be controlled by another human being, is part of that purpose. She follows the Augustinian path of calling Christians to learn to desire what God desires. It is fascinating that Smit finds that of the students at Calvin ,’more than half of them believe that God has chosen one specific individual for them to marry’. However, ‘less than one-third of the same students believe that God ahs determined one particular career for them to follow.’ Perceptively she notes that it is a particular belief about marriage not about ‘deterministic providence’ that is at work here. To me this shows how privatised and self-centred a lot of western evangelical Christianity has become. It is no wonder so many Christians spiritualise their problems surrounding singleness and dating; this is a great way to avoid responsibility and risk-taking.
Clearly the author has high standards for Christian marriage. Christians are told not to marry merely because they feel insecure, afraid, want to escape their parents, or want financial stability or affirmation. ‘Christians should marry only those who enhance their ability to live Christlike lives’. Clearly she is opposed to codependency. Sometimes Smit is rather naïve. For example she doubts whether sexual addiction is that common among Christians. The reality is that there are plenty of people with unresolved sexual problems in the churches. Greater insight into these might have grounded the book more in bodily reality. Nevertheless the author is to be commended for having written a rich, fair and uplifting book on unrequited love – something the Christian community in western countries, which has so many single adults, including many who do not want to be lifelong singles, desperately needs.
July 6, 2016
As soon as I heard about this book, years and years ago I knew that I would have to read it and I'm so glad I did. It is one of the few books I've ever read that challenged and critiqued me, helped me develop empathy, understand my story and myself, and be so theologically on the mark with so much. Finally a serious academic and pastoral look at romantic ethics that isn't centred on pornography and homosexuality, but much broader things in terms of emotional dynamics, social interactions, virtues of modesty and so much more. I cannot recommend this book enough- I hope I get to meet the author one day and thank her for instructing me in all the things society and church didn't think a good boy like me needed to have spelled out to him. Thank you Laura A. Smit
July 27, 2011
Practical, biblical. Addresses issues that every other book I've read on relationships leaves out. Indispensable for any single Christian...any married Christian with single friends or children, for that matter.
Read
May 24, 2007There is some very good stuff in this book, though also some things I don't necessarily agree with.
But an entire book on the ETHICS of unrequited love. Awesome.
But an entire book on the ETHICS of unrequited love. Awesome.
September 10, 2008
Academic, honest, and challenging, this was a good read.
February 26, 2015
Slow read with some thought provoking ideas. Everything comes together in last two chapters that make entire book worth the read.
October 20, 2024
This books was difficult, not because it was dense, but because it cut right to the heart of so many issues of love that hit home right in the recesses of my heart. Outside of the profound impact reading this book had on me, it was written well and even better argued. There is much here on what singleness, love, and romance are that ought to be mulled over and discussed. 10/10
December 29, 2016
I can appreciate her outlook on love but I don't think it's scripturally based. It's a bleak book that doesn't challenge the reader to see the Lord as the Divine Orderer of our steps, or even pray about singleness.
February 16, 2012
Liberating, exactly what I needed to hear.
June 5, 2017
Such a well-reasoned examination of unrequited love, a topic that is almost never deeply considered in book form. A book I come back to again and again. Quite thought-provoking. As of March 2017, I'm on my third read-through.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews