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There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate
This book reveals the origin of self-hate, how self-hate works, how to identify it, and how to go beyond it. It provides examples of some of the forms self-hate takes, including taking blame but not credit, holding grudges, and trying to be perfect, and explores the many facets of self-hate, including its role in addiction, the battering cycle, and the illusion of control. After addressing these factors, it illustrates how a meditation practice can be developed and practiced in efforts to free oneself from self-hating beliefs.
239 pages, Paperback
First published May 1, 1997
156 people are currently reading
4330 people want to read
About the author
Cheri Huber
53 books162 followersCheri Huber, author of 20 books, has been a student and teacher of Zen for over 35 years. In 1983, Cheri founded the Mountain View Zen Center, and in 1987 she founded the Zen Monastery Peace Center near Murphys, California. She and the monks at the Monastery conduct workshops and retreats at these centers, other places around the U.S., and internationally.
In 1997, Cheri founded Living Compassion, a nonprofit organization dedicated to peace and service. Living Compassion’s primary work is the Africa Vulnerable Children Project, based in Zambia, where for over a decade they have been working with the people of Kantolomba, beginning the process of turning a slum of 11,000 people into a self-sustaining community.
Cheri also has a weekly Internet based radio show.
In 1997, Cheri founded Living Compassion, a nonprofit organization dedicated to peace and service. Living Compassion’s primary work is the Africa Vulnerable Children Project, based in Zambia, where for over a decade they have been working with the people of Kantolomba, beginning the process of turning a slum of 11,000 people into a self-sustaining community.
Cheri also has a weekly Internet based radio show.
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 164 reviews
July 6, 2016
"People 40, 50, 60 years old
are waiting for their parents
to parent them.
The odds are very good
that's not going to happen
If your parents could love you the way you want to be loved
it would already have happened"
Huber will show you how to love that little child inside you who hurts. All you have to do is accept it. And guess what?
"Your love will always be conditional as long as you are excluding any part of yourself from it."
If you are already practicing mindfulness, I rec this book
If you are not already practicing mindfulness, I rec this book
***
Chris found a dead tree copy online I could buy.
THANK YOU CHRIS!
***
I have money to spend and I can't buy this on Kindle. Geoblocking sucks, publishers.
Now I'm condemned eternally to self-hate. *sniff*
ETA: 28 May. Only 20 days shipping! WOOT!
are waiting for their parents
to parent them.
The odds are very good
that's not going to happen
If your parents could love you the way you want to be loved
it would already have happened"
Huber will show you how to love that little child inside you who hurts. All you have to do is accept it. And guess what?
"Your love will always be conditional as long as you are excluding any part of yourself from it."
If you are already practicing mindfulness, I rec this book
If you are not already practicing mindfulness, I rec this book
***
Chris found a dead tree copy online I could buy.
THANK YOU CHRIS!
***
I have money to spend and I can't buy this on Kindle. Geoblocking sucks, publishers.
Now I'm condemned eternally to self-hate. *sniff*
ETA: 28 May. Only 20 days shipping! WOOT!
October 20, 2020
This book literally changed my life. I read it in a hospital, and my entire world just flipped. In the best way possible. I give this book to so many people...especially teens I know who are just struggling with being a teenager. It is such an easy read. I really can't put into words how much this book means to me. I'm not Buddhist, but the words are easy for anyone to grasp. When I am asked what book impacted you most, I always say this book right here. Always.
Read
July 20, 2016pg 124 - 125
"At some point, now or later, you're going to have to risk BEING YOU in order to find out who that really is. Not the conditioned you, not the "you" you've been taught to believe you are, who you really are. And this perhaps will be the scariest, the most loving, the most rewarding thing you have ever done."
So how do I tell the difference between the conditioned me and Me? Like this:
pg 220 - 221
"What's Really Going On
This is why meditation, paying attention, awareness, and long retreats are helpful:
You are sitting still. You are watching, watching, watching. After several days, the world sort of goes away. The system cannot maintain the same connections because it tends to start focusing on whatever is going on around you, and there's not much going on. So everything starts slowing down, everything starts simplifying. There's really nothing to do except turn your attention inward . . . Then you begin to see what the programming is really like. You begin to hear more clearly the things you tell yourself, things you couldn't hear until everything became very quiet. The watching creates a spaciousness. Your attention focuses. It's like having a microscope. Now you can begin to see what's really going on."
"At some point, now or later, you're going to have to risk BEING YOU in order to find out who that really is. Not the conditioned you, not the "you" you've been taught to believe you are, who you really are. And this perhaps will be the scariest, the most loving, the most rewarding thing you have ever done."
So how do I tell the difference between the conditioned me and Me? Like this:
pg 220 - 221
"What's Really Going On
This is why meditation, paying attention, awareness, and long retreats are helpful:
You are sitting still. You are watching, watching, watching. After several days, the world sort of goes away. The system cannot maintain the same connections because it tends to start focusing on whatever is going on around you, and there's not much going on. So everything starts slowing down, everything starts simplifying. There's really nothing to do except turn your attention inward . . . Then you begin to see what the programming is really like. You begin to hear more clearly the things you tell yourself, things you couldn't hear until everything became very quiet. The watching creates a spaciousness. Your attention focuses. It's like having a microscope. Now you can begin to see what's really going on."
September 29, 2007
This is a playful and disarming introduction to Zen Buddhism written for people (like me) who grew up believing that self-correction is the path to happiness.
I'm currently reading The Mandala of Being by Richard Moss which is a much more "serious" examination of the exact same topic. I'm glad I read Huber first, though, because her spacious presentations and almost childlike handwriting gave me the humility I needed to actually begin practicing.
I'm currently reading The Mandala of Being by Richard Moss which is a much more "serious" examination of the exact same topic. I'm glad I read Huber first, though, because her spacious presentations and almost childlike handwriting gave me the humility I needed to actually begin practicing.
January 12, 2021
A Zen infomercial for the powers of meditation. Well, no it's a little more than that. The subtitle may be off-putting to people who don't take as broad a view of the term "self-hate" as the author, a Zen Monk, does. However, in true Zen fashion, Huber is talking about ... "suffering." On p. 209 she specifically states, "Suffering provides our identity. Identity is maintained in struggle, in dissatisfaction, in trying to fix what's wrong. Suffering, egocentricity, fear, self-hate, [the] illusion of separateness [are the] same thing." [italics mine] Substituting any of those terms in the title may well ring one person's bell and not another's.
She says, "we are constantly looking for what is wrong, constantly creating new crises so we can rise to the occasion. To ego, that's survival. It is very important that something be wrong so we can continue to survive it." (p. 209) I think a lot of folks, if they're honest with themselves, can recognize that cycle within themselves. I certainly could, and I have dabbled in meditative practices just enough to know firsthand that what she advocates is true and correct.
Therein lies the rub. On the one hand, she didn't say anything I didn't already know. On the other, that's often the nature of self-help: it's not stuff that you don't know, but maybe it is stuff you need to be reminded of, or stuff that can have a powerful impact on you merely by being presented in a different context that in turn gives you a fresh perspective. Maybe hearing it all for the umpteenth time is just what you needed.
It was loaned to me at a good time in my life for me hear it all yet again. Huber uses very simple language (and unfortunately a rather unappealing "handwritten" sort of typeface accompanied by an illustrator's childish little drawings) to get its points across. I earmarked about 15 pages out of its short 234 page count. "There is nothing wrong with you" is a powerful message in and of itself. Like the title, the book as a whole is simple, but it's deep, and it did what it was supposed to do: it helped.
She says, "we are constantly looking for what is wrong, constantly creating new crises so we can rise to the occasion. To ego, that's survival. It is very important that something be wrong so we can continue to survive it." (p. 209) I think a lot of folks, if they're honest with themselves, can recognize that cycle within themselves. I certainly could, and I have dabbled in meditative practices just enough to know firsthand that what she advocates is true and correct.
Therein lies the rub. On the one hand, she didn't say anything I didn't already know. On the other, that's often the nature of self-help: it's not stuff that you don't know, but maybe it is stuff you need to be reminded of, or stuff that can have a powerful impact on you merely by being presented in a different context that in turn gives you a fresh perspective. Maybe hearing it all for the umpteenth time is just what you needed.
It was loaned to me at a good time in my life for me hear it all yet again. Huber uses very simple language (and unfortunately a rather unappealing "handwritten" sort of typeface accompanied by an illustrator's childish little drawings) to get its points across. I earmarked about 15 pages out of its short 234 page count. "There is nothing wrong with you" is a powerful message in and of itself. Like the title, the book as a whole is simple, but it's deep, and it did what it was supposed to do: it helped.
March 19, 2019
Amazing book. I first read this in my twenties and was blown away both by her fun way of illustrating the idea of negative self-talk/self-hate and by the fact that what I thought was a thing personal to me, was something that many people experience. Cheri Huber is a wise and kind woman. Her words still guide me today, almost 20 years after I first read this book.
January 11, 2016
"Any time a voice is talking to you that is not talking with love and compassion, DON'T BELIEVE IT."
gonna read it again, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally helpful
gonna read it again, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally helpful
February 20, 2012
As with most self-help books, the value in this Zen-oriented approach is in the patience of waiting for the tidbit that is of particular value to oneself. The first thought is exclusionary "oh, this doesn't really apply to ME." And, this book may not, as it initially appears to be geared to those who are excessively self-critical and people-pleasing. But in a deeper reading (and it can be read very quickly) with a more open mind, I found that it was applicable to me not only to some of the unapparent self-destructive tendencies, but especially as a father, employer, brother, significant other, etc. who can use unintentionally hurtful and critical language based on my own disappointments. I didn't have to be suffering rock-bottom despair to benefit from the reminder that compassion is both the cause and the result of a satisfying life.
November 1, 2021
Sorry, this book's messages just didn't speak to me. I'm happy for all the people who've been positively influenced by it.
December 19, 2021
This book is very VERY contradictory for me, but I realize as a Catholic who believes in God and reads the Bible often, this book is hard for me to grasp. Still, I was open-minded to giving this one a shot because I received this as a gift.
The author makes some valid points like:
We call people selfish when they WILL NOT give. But they CANNOT give what they DO NOT have. What we have and what we are able to recover are two very different things.
But then she also points this out: It may be true that you gossip, but that doesn’t make you bad, it just means you gossip. Same with lying, it doesn’t make you bad, it just means you tell lies. It may be true that you are impatient, but that doesn’t make you bad, it just means you are impatient.
That’s understood but what if she were to say you’re a cheater, or a murderer? Oh that doesn’t make someone bad, they just are. A murderer. A cheater. Ummmm no sis. Just no. Yet, there is no “good or bad” just “what is.” In Reality, there is duality. This author claims there isn’t. I don’t get why she would say that.
Her answer to this entire thing is to conquer self-hate, egocentricity, and the self- conditioned mind to accept what is, and breathe in it. Basically meditate because that’s the answer to everything. To stay still in your breathing and let the world pass you by….
You have to be extremely open-minded to accept this book. “There is Nothing Wrong with You.” But then again no one is perfect, aren’t we all here on Earth to become better people? Not just “settle”? This book doesn’t really give that message to change or grow, but to just ACCEPT this is how it is. If you aren’t happy with yourself I would assume one would be motivated to change right? This book doesn’t really give off that message, so if you’re looking for some type of inspo, I wouldn’t recommend this.
To the reader it’s based off perspective and beliefs. For me meditation isn’t a “one answer for all” type of thing. Never was. It goes beyond that. Not the self-help book I was looking for but it was quite insightful to think outside of the box. 🙂
This book would be super helpful for tweens in my opinion. The font in this book was very annoying to me, lol. I almost couldn’t take this one seriously because it looked like it was written by a 1st grader, but the author got her message across and that’s all that matters.
The author makes some valid points like:
We call people selfish when they WILL NOT give. But they CANNOT give what they DO NOT have. What we have and what we are able to recover are two very different things.
But then she also points this out: It may be true that you gossip, but that doesn’t make you bad, it just means you gossip. Same with lying, it doesn’t make you bad, it just means you tell lies. It may be true that you are impatient, but that doesn’t make you bad, it just means you are impatient.
That’s understood but what if she were to say you’re a cheater, or a murderer? Oh that doesn’t make someone bad, they just are. A murderer. A cheater. Ummmm no sis. Just no. Yet, there is no “good or bad” just “what is.” In Reality, there is duality. This author claims there isn’t. I don’t get why she would say that.
Her answer to this entire thing is to conquer self-hate, egocentricity, and the self- conditioned mind to accept what is, and breathe in it. Basically meditate because that’s the answer to everything. To stay still in your breathing and let the world pass you by….
You have to be extremely open-minded to accept this book. “There is Nothing Wrong with You.” But then again no one is perfect, aren’t we all here on Earth to become better people? Not just “settle”? This book doesn’t really give that message to change or grow, but to just ACCEPT this is how it is. If you aren’t happy with yourself I would assume one would be motivated to change right? This book doesn’t really give off that message, so if you’re looking for some type of inspo, I wouldn’t recommend this.
To the reader it’s based off perspective and beliefs. For me meditation isn’t a “one answer for all” type of thing. Never was. It goes beyond that. Not the self-help book I was looking for but it was quite insightful to think outside of the box. 🙂
This book would be super helpful for tweens in my opinion. The font in this book was very annoying to me, lol. I almost couldn’t take this one seriously because it looked like it was written by a 1st grader, but the author got her message across and that’s all that matters.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 6, 2018
This book joins "Your Erroneous Zones" and "The Untethered Soul" as my top three self-improvement books, although after reading this book I now understand self-improvement is a trap. Huber writes, "Self-hate uses self-improvement as self-maintenance. As long as you are concerned about improving yourself, you'll always have a self to improve, and you will always suffer".
Huber explains how we have been taught to believe there is something wrong with us, and how we believe it is a good thing to look for faults in ourselves, hate ourselves for having them, and punish ourselves until we "change". We've been taught that this is what good people do, and a failure to do this will lead us to become a self-centered monster that will run amok in society.
But the fact is, and we all know this is true, is that self-hate will ALWAYS find something within us to improve. It is never satisfied because it NEEDS to find faults within us to ensure it's survival.
So the key is not to "improve yourself" - judging and beating yourself the entire way, never getting there, and then judging and beating yourself for failing...the key is to stop the self hate. To have compassion for yourself. When we practice compassion for ourselves, the good things that we seek in life not only happen for ourselves but also for those around us. Because hating others, and abusing others, is just our own self-hate directed outwards.
I think the most important point in the book is "Whenever a voice in your head is not speaking to you with love and compassion - don't believe it!"
Read this book. It's easy to digest and understand, and it's in a casual format. It's not very long but it has life-changing ideas. Stop beating yourself up, and start treating yourself the way you would treat anyone that you love.
Huber explains how we have been taught to believe there is something wrong with us, and how we believe it is a good thing to look for faults in ourselves, hate ourselves for having them, and punish ourselves until we "change". We've been taught that this is what good people do, and a failure to do this will lead us to become a self-centered monster that will run amok in society.
But the fact is, and we all know this is true, is that self-hate will ALWAYS find something within us to improve. It is never satisfied because it NEEDS to find faults within us to ensure it's survival.
So the key is not to "improve yourself" - judging and beating yourself the entire way, never getting there, and then judging and beating yourself for failing...the key is to stop the self hate. To have compassion for yourself. When we practice compassion for ourselves, the good things that we seek in life not only happen for ourselves but also for those around us. Because hating others, and abusing others, is just our own self-hate directed outwards.
I think the most important point in the book is "Whenever a voice in your head is not speaking to you with love and compassion - don't believe it!"
Read this book. It's easy to digest and understand, and it's in a casual format. It's not very long but it has life-changing ideas. Stop beating yourself up, and start treating yourself the way you would treat anyone that you love.
February 10, 2014
Never have I encountered a self-help book with such simplicity yet such profound wisdom. Everyday issues that everyone has (in degrees) this book has shed light on such things as holding ourselves to a standard that leads to pain and guilt and pressure and self hate. We have this innate concept that we aren't good enough or have to do our to-do list and do it right or......
well that's it. Or what? We hold on to this identity that we have to do or be or act certain ways or something will happen, someone will think less of us or we won't have an identity of something that we've held on onto.
this book is about self-compassion and letting go. It's about loving. It's about compassion. And it's not preachy, it looks like it's hand written so we slow down to read it and it's bare bones wisdom to be read in one fell swoop or digested in small bites. i inhaled it and now it's time to go back and reread because it is just that important to my own personal well being.
well that's it. Or what? We hold on to this identity that we have to do or be or act certain ways or something will happen, someone will think less of us or we won't have an identity of something that we've held on onto.
this book is about self-compassion and letting go. It's about loving. It's about compassion. And it's not preachy, it looks like it's hand written so we slow down to read it and it's bare bones wisdom to be read in one fell swoop or digested in small bites. i inhaled it and now it's time to go back and reread because it is just that important to my own personal well being.
October 4, 2009
When this book was given to me as a gift I read the title and was a little offended. "What, he thinks that I think that something is wrong with me?" Then my gears started turning: "Maybe there is..."
Ironically, this sort of defensiveness and the resulting negative self-talk are exactly what Cheri Huber dissects in a book that is far more spiritual than psychological.
This book is anti-self help because it promotes a belief that everything you need is inside you - there is nothing to fix, the self needs no help. Through meditation, journaling and acknowledgement of our own goodness we can shine.
All of this just needs to be released from within, coddled from without and appreciated as much as possible.
So there's no reason to be defensive, this is a fast, multi-genre work that is worth the effort.
Ironically, this sort of defensiveness and the resulting negative self-talk are exactly what Cheri Huber dissects in a book that is far more spiritual than psychological.
This book is anti-self help because it promotes a belief that everything you need is inside you - there is nothing to fix, the self needs no help. Through meditation, journaling and acknowledgement of our own goodness we can shine.
All of this just needs to be released from within, coddled from without and appreciated as much as possible.
So there's no reason to be defensive, this is a fast, multi-genre work that is worth the effort.
February 18, 2022
I was recommended this book by my therapist over a year ago and just finally got around to it. Honestly I was severely disappointed and even more surprised by the number of glowing reviews here for it.
In fairness, the ideas presented have merit in my opinion. Radical acceptance, one of the key ideas, is a powerful way to change the narrative from being victims to being in charge of our lives.
However, I found this work to be about 230 pages of rambling around this and other similar topics. It was an easy read, taking me less than 2 hours or so all totaled, but I think the author could have completed it with 10 well written and concise pages, or maybe 20-30 with some examples and anecdotes. However it seemed like she was more intent on making a book out of these ideas and so she just kept restating the same stuff over and over again.
In fairness, the ideas presented have merit in my opinion. Radical acceptance, one of the key ideas, is a powerful way to change the narrative from being victims to being in charge of our lives.
However, I found this work to be about 230 pages of rambling around this and other similar topics. It was an easy read, taking me less than 2 hours or so all totaled, but I think the author could have completed it with 10 well written and concise pages, or maybe 20-30 with some examples and anecdotes. However it seemed like she was more intent on making a book out of these ideas and so she just kept restating the same stuff over and over again.
December 14, 2011
An essential read for anyone who experiences self-hate and is open to taking up meditation and learning to embrace self-acceptance.
August 10, 2017
This book got me through a very difficult time. It was a changing point for my mental health, and my relationship with what's between my ears. I last read it about a year ago, so I will not do it justice if I try to give it a detailed review, but this book probably had more impact on my life and mental health than any other book.
It made me realize a very simple yet often forgotten truth: Beating myself up for everything single mistake will not make me a good person, because I already am. Self-hate makes me think that I am a bad person, so that it can beat me up to be a good person. It's a battle of life and death for it, because once you realize the truth, there is no need for self-hate to exist. And the only way you can win is if you too fight as if you're fighting for dear life, because it actually is a battle for life and death for you too.
There is nothing wrong with me, neither with you.
It made me realize a very simple yet often forgotten truth: Beating myself up for everything single mistake will not make me a good person, because I already am. Self-hate makes me think that I am a bad person, so that it can beat me up to be a good person. It's a battle of life and death for it, because once you realize the truth, there is no need for self-hate to exist. And the only way you can win is if you too fight as if you're fighting for dear life, because it actually is a battle for life and death for you too.
There is nothing wrong with me, neither with you.
January 29, 2015
Perhaps the most simple self-book I have ever read, though, it's a book to read again and take notes. Fashion photographer, Sue Bryce recommended this book and I am glad I listened to her! This book really brought out some of my struggles, issues that I didn't realise I had and some that I did but did not know how to deal with them/get over them!
I highly recommend this book to anyone. This book can help you get out of your comfort zone and stop sabotaging yourself. You just need to be willing to make a change for yourself.
I highly recommend this book to anyone. This book can help you get out of your comfort zone and stop sabotaging yourself. You just need to be willing to make a change for yourself.
August 4, 2022
2.5 for me. This book is great for people interested in understanding the Zen practice, meditation, gratitude, mindfulness and how compassion can save one from oneself in regards to self-hate. Unfortunately, this book was not for me, as I was actually interested in reading a deep understanding of self-hatred itself. I also feel like for what it was saying it just repeated the same things over and over for 236 pages when this could have been 60-70 pages easily, and even then would have been redundant.
Read
August 3, 2022“I just see little children, because that’s how most of us feel inside. I picture this child who doesn’t know whether she wants the red bucket or the blue bucket. The truth is, she wants them both. They’re both really pretty and she likes them equally, and she can’t make up her mind. What she doesn’t know is that in this world, you only get one because getting both makes you selfish.”
March 12, 2012
I think the book had some good ideas, but I really disliked the font. It was very cutesy and child-like. I am not a child. I was looking for some real help. It's hard to take a book seriously when it looks like it's written in crayon.
March 11, 2014
The only reason I didn't give this 5 stars is that the book design was distracting. Perhaps the editor thought the handwriting would give the book a more personal feel, but I prefer books that are written in standard type.
March 30, 2021
It is one of the best books I ever read. Highly recommended if you have low self-worth or don't have any at all as in my case. Also good for those with self-harm, self-aggression, self-criticism issues.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
June 19, 2018
This is a lovely, enlightening little book. It’s written from a zen/meditation perspective, so spiritually I don’t agree with everything, but it has lots of helpful perspectives, and helped me see my own self-talk and certain behavior patterns and habits in a new way. It helped me see new ways to release control and trust God and accept his forgiveness and grace.
September 2, 2020
Great intro to Zen!
January 16, 2024
Great way to start the year
January 4, 2026
Finally finished this book! I related to a lot of things it said and will def be coming back to it to remind myself to have ~compassion~
October 3, 2020
Def one of the best books of my 2020 reading list
June 21, 2023
so helpful! loving kindness!
July 21, 2014
This book is helping me to get my head out of an awful depression and toward self-love and acceptance. I've read similar Buddhist self helpish books before, since that spiritual path is one I feel drawn to – but none of the other books affected me quite like this one. If anyone could motivate me to meditate – a good habit I always quit in favour of yoga, though I knew that both would be beneficial – it's Cheri Huber and this easily readable, relatable intro to some Zen Buddhist philosophy. Of course, in order to really grow from this book I'll have to maintain a meditation practice. Yet I feel that the boulder in my brain has shifted enough to allow me to do that and not drown in despair first. So I highly recommend you read There Is Nothing Wrong With You – if you feel open to learning that there really isn't.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 164 reviews