Defining Marriage: Voices from a Forty-Year Labor of Love

by Matt Baume

Only a few years ago, marriage was defined as an exclusive club for heterosexuals only. Today, it has expanded to welcome gay and lesbian couples across the entire United States. Defining Marriage traces the decades-long evolution of marriage through the personal stories of those who lived through it. Writer Matt Baume provides an intimate glimpse into the private lives of those who dreamed of marriage in the 1970s, the survivors of the 1980s, the audacious pioneers of the 1990s, the tireless soldiers of the 2000s, and the champions who won marriage today. Along the way, he explores the individual stories of the people who participated in this revolution, examines what marriage has become, and shows with vivid, compelling personal narratives how the act of defining marriage forever changed the lives and loves of the people who fought to define the institution. As the journey to equality unfolds over the years, Baume finds himself unexpectedly evaluating his own self-contradictory life as a marriage activist with no plans to marry his longtime partner. Over the course of years, the story of marriage is recounted through intimate, revealing conversations with prominent LGBT figures, allies, and grassroots activists. Dustin Lance Black shares the story of how his escape from childhood abuse prepared him to bring hope to millions; Dan Savage recalls his stubborn rejection of the closet at what was then an unthinkably young age; and Andrew Sullivan remembers the call for marriage in the 1980s that earned him enemies amongst conservatives and queers alike. Baume visits with Rob Reiner, who inherited a passion for social justice from his real-life parents and his television family; San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, whose personal principles tested his career ambitions when he stood up to an unjust law and the President of the United States; and Seattle Mayor Ed Murray, a former seminary student who picked up the mantle of LGBT liberation after the death of a friend and mentor. We meet accidental activists thrust into an international spotlight, like Amy Balliett of Join the Impact; Book of Mormon star Gavin Creel; and Clela Rorex, who in 1975 became America's first government official to issue a marriage license to gay couples. As marriage transforms, people all over the country find themselves and their loved ones at a crossroads of history: Molly McKay, who showed up at marriage counters to demanded a license every Valentine's Day for a decade until someone finally said yes; Jenny Kanelos, a small-town girl who mobilized all of Broadway; Juan and Tim Clark-Lucero, forced to race against the clock to marry before their legal window closed. Baume provides rare, behind-the-scenes access to personal conflicts around the national struggle. While furious protestors clash on the steps of the Supreme Court, we are ushered inside to witness the same debate playing out amongst the Justices. Readers witness gay political leaders locked in desperate, emotional struggles to pass marriage bills in the back halls of capitols, and are are privy to the conversations of families as they discover what the shifting landscape of marriage means for their own relationships. From decades past to this moment in history, from halls of power to private bedrooms, from the political to the personal, Defining Marriage is the story of how people from all walks of life fought to change marriage -- and how fighting for marriage, in turn, changed them.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer

338 pages, Paperback

First published July 8, 2015

About the author

Matt Baume is a writer, podcaster, and video-maker based in Seattle whose work focuses on pop culture, queer history, and all things strange and nerdy.

He is the creator of the the YouTube pop culture series Culture Cruise; the queer entertainment podcast The Sewers of Paris; and is co-creator of Queens of Adventure, a live show and podcast featuring drag queens playing Dungeons & Dragons.

He was nominated for a GLAAD award for journalism, and his work has been recognized by the New York Times as “thoughtful and thorough … informative and funny,” and after he appeared as a pop culture critic in the Showgirls documentary You Don’t Nomi, Forbes called his observations on the film “potentially intriguing,” which is probably a compliment.

You can find Matt's writing in outlets that include Rolling Stone, Vice Magazine, Slate, The Advocate, The Stranger, and NPR.

Reviews

[Jesse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderfully written

Besides a few grammatical errors, this book is well researched and thoughtfully conveyed. The pattern of writing comes across exactly as the author speaks, complete with his somewhat quirky sense of humor. As someone who never actually considered marriage, even after DoMA was struck down, I still devoured this book. I can't wait to see what he comes up with next.

[Arthur Schenck · Rating 5 out of 5]

I watched Matt Baume's videos for years, and came to think of him as sort of the storyteller of the fight for the freedom to marry in the USA. So, I expected his book would be an expansion of that, especially telling some of the stories that went on in background. I wasn't disappointed—it was all that, and more.

What I didn't expect was how often I'd find tears in my eyes, especially from reading the stories of people who I'd never even heard of before, but who were important players in the battle. I was surprised at how often Matt's stories brought up strong memories of my own, like learning that California's Proposition 8 had passed, and many of those memories were painful.

On the other hand, there were also laughs and happiness reading many of the stories and the incidents that led, ultimately, to full marriage equality in the USA. It was great to get them in the context of the larger decades-long story of the struggle.

This book will appeal to anyone who wants to know how marriage equality came to the USA—the things that worked and the things that didn't, yes, and also the people and the events that all made this happen. Matt had a front-row seat for the story, and he shares his personal journey woven into the larger one. Ultimately, Matt's book will appeal to anyone who understands what the battle was always all about: Love.

I highly recommend this book.

[Linda-Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Review to follow

[Rocky Sunico · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came to this book through Matt's excellent YouTube videos, and even then I wasn't quite prepared for what this book would be or how it would make me feel. Based on his video content, I knew this would be thoroughly researched and it certainly met that expectation.

But I thought this would be a more straightforward account of things or maybe even a collection of interviews. Instead, it's a highly compelling retelling of the difficult journey that culminated with the US Supreme Court decision in 2015 against the Defense Against Marriage Act and related state measures (at least on a Federal level). It's a great effort to capture this moment in history but it's also highly personal given Matt's own questions about marriage and obviously personal to the many people who shared their stories for this book.

I don't know if I'll ever live to see same sex marriage made legal in the Philippines, where I'm based, and I've always dismissed it as being too difficult a fight. But reading this book has given me hope that it's still possible with the right amount of hard work, determination and daring and finding the right message to reach those on the other side.

This is a powerful piece of writing and anyone will be made better by reading it.

[M.K. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Matt Baume's Defining Marriage takes chapter-length interviews from people involved in the marriage equality movement and turns them into a book length narrative about the ups and downs of the movement. Baume seeks to define marriage for himself through these interviews and what marriage means to them. He ultimately comes to the conclusion that marriage is about love and commitment and that the movement is about liberation and freedom of choice.
Ultimately it was an enjoyable read with more women activists than previous books about queer liberation that I've read. I would, however, like to note that despite this book coming out in October 2015 it was clearly written before the June 2015 supreme court declaration and the bulk of the novel focuses on the Prop 8 fight in California.

[Eekind · Rating 4 out of 5]

Important history of queer marriage struggles from the midcentury to publishing date.

It is unconscionable to cite Andrew Sullivan as though he isn’t a derange conservative propagandist who has been that way since he first started speaking on marriage equality in the 80’s. Matt Baume does lose a lot of respect I my book for just labeling Sullivan as an early Gay Marriage Legal Academic devoid of how much Sullivan positioned Marriage Equality as a way to stymie basically every other queer rights battle of the late 80’s and 90’s because Sullivan though marriage would make gay communities more conservative and insular

[emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook and enjoyed it immensely. Well-researched, personal, and has a clear focus. I'm a huge sap so I ended up crying a fair few times - this book was just very, very real and moving. A good read for anyone interested in LGBTQ issues in general and marriage equality in the US in particular. Next I would like to read books about these kinds of grass-root lgbtq activists in every country.

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Matt Baume does an exceptional job not only providing the reader with a thorough-yet-readable history of marriage equality in the United States and backgrounds of the dozens and dozens of key players in the fight, but he also allows his own personality and feelings to be present in the narrative. It was a truly moving and informative experience, and I highly recommend it!

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having just read Matt Baume’s other book, I stumbled across this one. I love his manner of storytelling and sense of humor that comes out in his writing. This was a very well done look into some of the people, activism and cases that helped lead to marriage equality.

[Rev Sarah E Northall · Rating 4 out of 5]

Journalism as social history

"I'm scared," said Piglet.
"A story will help," said Pooh.
"How?"
"Oh. Don't you know? Stories make your heart grow."

[Jānis Lībeks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to most of this book in audiobook/podcast version. Matt makes marriage equality a very personal story.

[J. Bebbington · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibily informative and humanising loon at the story of marriage equality in the US that even managed to capture the interest of someone so British as myself.
The prose is wonderfully constructed and Baume has a natural gift for storytelling that he uses to its fullest potential.