Stress-Free Potty Training: A Commonsense Guide to Finding the Right Approach for Your Child

by Sara Au, Peter Stavinoha

This helpful guide takes the stress out of this challenging rite of passage, giving parents much-needed advice to help them identify what approach will work for their child’s temperament.

No two children experience the toilet-training process in exactly the same way. While some kids might be afraid to even go near the bathroom, others may know when to go...but still never seem to make it there in time.

In Stress-Free Potty Training, mother and journalist Sara Au and neuropsychologist Peter Stavinoha shows you how

determine a child’s readiness to begin potty traininggradually move children past their existing comfort zone, without causing undue pressurehandle accidents and temporary setbacksThis straight-talking guide enables you to help every child make this important life transition free of worry and in the way that’s right for him or her.

Stress-Free Potty Training distinguishes between common childhood personality types, providing easy techniques tailor-fit for all kinds of kids, whether they’re stubborn or willful, clinging to diapers, afraid to move on, or just late-bloomers.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Ebooks, Self Help, How To, Reference, Adult

219 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2008

Reviews

[Kat · Rating 1 out of 5]

I got this as an audiobook.
As a Registered Dietitian, I couldn't stand the fact that food (ice cream parties) are suggested as a reward for not using a diaper. Not only rewards and punishments do not work in the long run (I suggest the book Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn for the author to read), food in particular is a very, very bad idea. It can create a complex relationship with food in adulthood and kids should not be punished or rewarded with food. Restricting the child's water intake before bedtime, in case that they are thirsty, is also a bad idea.
As a parent, I couldn't get past the manipulation tactics suggested in order eg to get a child to run around naked. I still can't understand why I have to tell my kid that there aren't any clean clothes and that he has to be naked for the day because of that. I am sure I could come up with another idea, without having to lie to him.
I really didn't want to spend my time listening to it and I just returned it. I believe that the practical suggestions do make sense, but how you implement them during the potty training also plays a great role.
Regarding the word pee-pee as mentioned in other comments, yeah, I would prefer another word but if this was the only problem with the book, I wouldn't really mind.
The speed of reading was ok for me, someone is mentioning that it is too slow, but I am not a native English speaker so I really enjoyed the pace. However, mistakes are made during the narration and they aren't corrected and it would be more helpful if the questions that we have to answer during the personality test were numbered, therefore more clear. Again, those are for me minor points and I wouldn't really mind if the book wasn't offering such advice. One star.

[Dianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a straightforward guide to potty training. Instead of giving one magical, rigid solution, it covers everything that might work and breaks the tips down by personality type. Very realistic.

[Doris · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I didn't love everything they said for method, but the personality quiz and assessments were spot on for my daughter, and were quite helpful and realizing it was just going to be more of a process with her, and that it was ok. I took a more patient approach after this read. By that, I mean I went forward with the mindset that it was going to take longer than I'd expected, but that was what was working for my daughter, and also that we weren't having as many setbacks as I'd originally thought. So, this didn't change a whole lot of my method, but it did help me feel less stressed when I felt like I better understood where my daughter was coming from and what she was feeling. I'll likely take another look when I potty train my second (a couple years from now), and I'll be interested to see if it helps me see her as well as it did my first.

[Liz Stoneking · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was feeling pretty good about this book, until I finished my kids personality quiz. Surprise! I have the “stubborn child”. While not remotely shocked, I was annoyed that it’s main tailor made suggestion for my little savage and myself was to “wait until they are ready.” The techniques for getting started just didn’t exist. My child still won’t put a single drop of pee in the toilet.

[Rachael · Rating 5 out of 5]

So, I wanted to start potty training my daughter, but after reading this book, I realize she’s not quite ready, and that’s okay! I found this to be an informative and useful book. The personality quiz at the beginning was especially helpful, and I appreciate that the authors recognize that not all children can be taught the same way. I’m going to come back to this one when we’re actually ready.

[Lauren Salisbury · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mostly useful for thinking about your child's individual mindset and personality as the directive for how to approach potty training.

[Debbie]

Liked what I read in terms of thinking through how best to approach potty training based on your own child’s needs/personality, but I ended up finishing potty training before I finished the book.

[Raeanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this before we started potty learning with my daughter. I would have realized the first method we tried (a three-day fast track method) was never going to work for her personality! I love that this book gives insight into different ways to work with different personalities — we’ve used some of the tips and are glad to have a new lens to view her learning.

[Leila Reads · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'll admit that I'm probably not the best person to give an impartial review of this book. The potty training philosopy advocated by this book goes against my personal ideas about the subject, which I have come by from reading extensively about natural infant hygene (elimination communication) and the work of John Rosemond.

Stress-Free Potty Training suggests that potty training can be made simpler and (of course) less stressful by understanding your child's temperament and following their suggestions to construct a plan based on that temperament. The authors have even included a nifty quiz, just in case you don't know your child that well (insert eye roll here).

I have two major problems with this book. The first is the "readiness" model it employs: the idea that a child should not begin potty training until he/she shows certain signs of readiness. Failure to wait until this readiness point allegedly leads to severe psychological consequences. Said readiness rarely presents prior to the age of 2 1/2. So, most of the population born before T. Berry Brazelton's work changed the face of potty training has severe psychological trauma? My husband was completely potty trained by age 2. I assure you he's fine.

My other issue with this book is the chart from a study on potty training that the authors use to justify their position on beginning potty training at least after the age of 2 1/2. The chart lists the median age at which children master a list of potty training skills. The first skills begin at age 22 months. The skills listed include staying poop free at night, which my son did well before his first birthday. The authors suggest that parents use this timeline to determine when to move through each state of the process. This is a clear misuse of the chart. The authors fail to acknowledge the flaw in their reasoning, which is that they assume that the timeline is appropriate. They do not provide details on how the study was conducted. Did the parents of the children in the study even begin introducing such things as potty words prior to 22 months? Such questions negate the value of the chart as a potty training guide.

My son is 18 months old, wears underwear except at night, and is 80% accident- free during the day, including naps. I used no force or coercion of any kind, and he enjoys not peeing and pooping in his pants (he gets very upset if he has a poop accident, which has happened only twice in the month since he started wearing underwear). Save yourself some grief and stress and get yourself a copy of Toilet Training Without Tantrums by John Rosemond and get your little one out of diapers within the potty training sweet spot of 18-24 months.

Leave It

[Meriam Brooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the second edition of this book and I’m thinking it much approved compared to the first based on reviews. I used this book along with the “Oh Crap!…” potty training book. I did this because I loved the personality quiz at the beginning of the book for your child and my child’s personality worked well with the methods in the other book. I felt there were somethings about this book’s methods that were semi lacking in that some of it may cause some confusion in the kid where the other book was very much “no more diapers when you’re awake.” Anyways, I do believe that each child is different and this book helps you look at many different ways to help get your child involved and started with potty training. There are good troubleshooting ideas, different techniques for every personality type, and it feels supportive. My child was split between two personality types so I read both but couldn’t stop reading the other sections. They were written well and I felt it was informative to have a good idea about different things that could come up at different times involving the potty. Anyways, it was fine. I saw some reviews talking about the rewards they recommend but I think that’s changed in this edition. They recommend, like the other book I read, to only use things like praise and other positive, internal motivations. External motivators like food, toys, etc. aren’t long-term ways to do potty training for so many reasons. Both books explain and support this.

[Lizzy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Slightly too fluffy for me because I wanted coherent clear laid out steps to potty training. I ended up skimming it. This book is more laissez-faire about potty training and encourages you to decipher what kind of personality your child has before deciding which chapter to use for the general approach. But this isn't helpful if you have a kid with several of the personality traits, including goal-based, impulsive, internalizer, etc. The book is a lot more lenient with the perfect window to potty training and seems to advocate training your child later rather than earlier, whereas other authors like Jamie Glowacki really champions potty training as early as possible (or at least within the 20-30 month window of age).

[Katy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think that this book had some good ideas and solutions, especially the personality type divisions. However, we made the mistake of purchasing the audiobook version. The woman reading the book has a nice soothing voice, but is torturously sloooooow. I sped it up to 2x speed on my iPod because I feared we would never finish it otherwise (it sounded fine that way).

Unfortunately we didn't learn much that was useful from this particular book, other than the fact that with our hard-headed child, all we could do was offer praise and mild suggestions, and wait until he decided he was good and ready to use the potty on his own.

He finally did. Finally. We just had to wait him out.

[Ariana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first started reading the Oh Crap! Potty Training book, but the rigid approach wasn't working for our family. So I bought this book and really liked the idea of customizing your strategies based on your child's personality. My husband and I learned a great deal about our older son's temperament through the quiz and relevant chapters. Our son is now potty trained, thanks to the tips and techniques outlined in this book. We are so happy, and we feel like we can use the knowledge we gained about his personality in this book with future lessons and behavioral issues.

[Becca · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good start in my toilet-training research. I like the idea of using my child's personality to guide the process along and to have lots of personality-geared tips to help me remain a little calmer through this process.

It does only give guidelines for the slow and steady approach to toilet training and does not really cover the fast-track method if that is your cup of tea. I did not think it went through the step-by-step very well, though. It talks about focusing only on the skill of peeing in the toilet but pooping in the toilet is an advanced skill and should wait until later to focus on. With them being against pull-up type training pants, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do when my child needs to poop during naked time when I'm just focusing on the peeing in the toilet. Do I let them just poop wherever, am I supposed to keep them in diapers that I take on and off, do I put a diaper on just for pooping and then take it right off? They never really delved into the minute details of the process. As a first-time parent, those kinds of what-ifs stress me out a little and that is not the purpose of the book.

I did not like that they made a pretty good stand on using anatomically correct terms for body parts but then referred to urination as "pee-pee" throughout the whole book. That term just seems so babyish when we are trying to be a little more correct and factual. Maybe it just grates at me a little and that's why I don't think it should be used. I think just using "pee" would be fine.

[Alana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read a different training book prior to starting with my older son, and while many of the ideas in it were good, it was a fairly one-track book, with not as many ideas or options for when life happens and the process gets temporarily derailed. It's been a very long process and difficult. This book has a little more leeway and more guides about what might work best with the individual child's personality type, which is far more helpful. Just learning that backing off at times may be exactly what he needs was incredibly helpful, and getting "permission" to do so relieves the pressure of "what if I'm letting him get away with [behavior] and it gets worse?" Working with my child's personality, learning that some of the tactics I was trying simply don't help with the way his mind works, allows for much better understanding of my child and the process.

It's definitely worth the read, even if just for some different ideas or strategies.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the best potty training book (out of 3) that I've read. I love that they teach different approaches to potty training and acknowledge that not every child should be trained in the same way. I also appreciated that they referenced research done on potty training. The authors' experience with children and childhood psychology is helpful, and reading this book made me realize that a lot of potty training is a mind game with your kids.

The book was not comprehensive, so there are things that you can learn about potty training from other books. Specifically, Jamie Glowacki's "Oh Crap! Potty Training" gives a more in-depth look at training younger children and training them more quickly, though her method only trains certain personality types quickly.

I also appreciate that this book gives weight to constipation, which is a common complication to potty training.

[Dari · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had this book a year ago when my 18 month old started showing interest. A lot of the method seems focused on “setting the stage.” I love the concept of tailoring potty training to my child’s temperament. The book is full of helpful advice and ideas to try. I wish it had a little more explicit steps to take. I was some times left thinking, “yeah that sounds great in theory but…” Also, the authors assume the reader has not yet started potty training. A section or shout out to those are already in the thick of it, who’ve run into problems, and are now trying to figure it out *ahem* (not me of course) would be nice. I was left feeling like I’ve messed my kid up but without great tools for repairing the damage.

[Allison Koehn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I haven’t started potty training yet, so this review is just for the book, I have no idea if the method actually works yet. I liked the personality quiz, the emphasis on taking it slow and not pressuring yourself or your child. Especially compared to some “train your child in a day” titles, it seemed doable and practical. I dislike the manipulative lies it suggested telling your child, (diaper box only opens after 8:00 pm, no clean clothes to wear, etc.) which is the only reason I deducted a star.

[Brinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offers great information on how to appropriately customize your child's potty training experience and manage your own expectations so that you can set your child up for success and maintain a positive relationship through a challenging transition. I love the personality-specific feedback and tips on navigating setbacks. It's been helpful over the years as I've potty trained each of my four children, and while I adapted some of the advice to better fit our specific needs, overall it's been a fantastic and realistic (low pressure) resource.

[Megan Deffner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Favorite Potty Training Method!

I’ve read a few different potty training books and endless blog posts on various methods. This is by far my favorite as it explains that there’s several “right” options and you should figure out what matters to your family most. Each child is different and responds differently and I think it’s great how they examine the changes to help based on child personality.

[Caitlin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Why I Hated This Book:

Trashy magazine quiz for your kid’s potty training personality. Groan!!

The constant use of the word ‘pee-pee’

Inane example conversations between example parents and kids - these drove me nuts. I disliked every one of these imagined people.

Why I Liked This Book:

Page 26 - the data-filled Table 1 was useful

[N Serena Kyper · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have honestly found this to be one of the most helpful books so far. Now given, my five year is still in pull-ups (she is delayed), it has opened my eyes to different techniques.
I love how they break it down differently for different children. Many books I found had that 'one fits all' mentality.
Definitely worth a read for those struggling or just starting out.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

A casual, informative, easy to read help book. I like the universal strategies for teaching and how different personalities will take to those strategies differently. It is a calm, nonjudgmental perspective - feels like a rare treat in potty training lit. Still pretty general - I can see how this approach could take months.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful enough. Like most parenting books, I found some things to take away and plenty others that didn't fit with our parenting strategy--generally, I appreciated the lack of urgency it communicated, and letting the child drive the process. That worked for us (thus far) over the "staying at home for several weeks with plastic taped over your carpet" method some authors promote.

[Cassie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is now my preferred potty training book. I appreciate the focus on child development and tailoring potty training to your child’s personality. It helped me to visualize how my child will respond to potty training and what I can do to help prepare him for it. Of course, I still need to potty train, so we’ll see how that goes!

[Jamie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very readable, seems useful, but not quite as instructive as I wanted it to be. I was never quite sure what actual steps they were suggesting in what order, but there was a lot of good discussion of different tools you can try and how to meet the specific needs of kids with different personality types.

[Natalie Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super straight forward, I like that it breaks down training by personality type, I’d recommend reading a physical copy, kinda skimmed and jumped around a few sections that were common sense to me as the oldest of 4 and aunty to many but I can see where this would be helpful to someone who’s never been in this type of situation of observing or needing to train their own baby

[Margaret Hanson · Rating 4 out of 5]

May well update the rating after actually potty training, but for the time being the most appealing thing about this book is that it doesn't pretend that there's a single method that is actually going to work for every model of child. Even if it describes a couple personality types that feel like they MUST be fake...

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book to flip through that is based on training your child using advantages from their personality. It didn’t tell me anything new in the training process, but I am glad that I was able to determine that my child was Goal Oriented with a mix of Strong Will hooray for me).

[Amelia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve been reading this for a while, but finally finished. I’m sure I will refer back to it as challenges arise, but we are officially on our way! I like the personality quizzes and a lot of the techniques, which do feel like common sense.