It's Not Fair: Learning to Love the Life You Didn't Choose

by Melanie Dale

Hey, you. Are you debating whether to destroy something with your bare hands or curl up on the couch for a decade or two?

This book will solve all of your problems. (Sheesh, that’s aiming a bit high.)

This book is a cup of hot coffee, a ginormous bar of chocolate, or the magical fairy that comes over and does your dishes while you lie in the fetal position clutching a fluffy pillow.

Sometimes when life falls apart the only acceptable response is hysterical laughter. When things get so far gone, so spectacularly a world away from any plans you made or dreams you dreamed, you feel it bubbling up inside of you and you scream, “It’s not fair!” And it isn’t. Fair is an illusion, and life is weird.

This book will help you laugh at life’s absurd backhands. This book is an empathetic groan of our collective unfairnesses. You might want to throw it across the room, and you might want to hug it like your new best friend. This book is about us sitting down together in our shared mess, taking a deep breath, gripping hands, looking the hard stuff in its beady little eyeballs, and bahahahaaing at it.

Life’s not fair, but we can learn to love this life we didn’t choose.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Christian, Religion, Mental Health, Christian Living, Personal Development

256 pages, Paperback

Published August 16, 2016

About the author

***Melanie's debut novel, GIRL OF LORE, hits shelves April 21, 2026! Preorder it now to get the deluxe limited edition with sprayed edges and gold foil!***

Before embracing her love of monsters and sneaking into the fictional world of GIRL OF LORE, Melanie Dale published a bunch of nonfiction books, shambled around as a zombie on TV, and survived cancer. She’s written episodes for the anthology horror television series CREEPSHOW and over a decade of essays for COFFEE+CRUMBS. While she’s won no awards for literature, one time she won a Halloween costume contest and still feels pretty stoked about it. When she’s not writing, she’s teaching yoga or battling her own brain. She lives in the Atlanta area.

Reviews

[Thalarctos · Rating 1 out of 5]

There should have been something in the description about how it’s all about God. For those of us who don’t believe in the man in the sky, guess we’re out of luck. If you believe in God you’ll probably like it.

[Steen Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Melanie warns you in the beginning that at times you might want to hug the book, or you might want to through it across the room. I never once wanted it to leave my hands. As a person who is indeed living a life I didn't choose, Melanie says all of the things that I have thought at various times over the past decade. She says them with humor, pain, humility, and complete and utter honesty. It is 100% refreshing. This book gives any person dealing with pain and suffering in their life; not only the permission to question God while still seeking him, but the only thing any of us ever really need or want...the confirmation that we are not alone.

This book walks you through everything from stages of grief, to coping mechanisms, to important relationships, and finally, how to recover with your sanity intact and love your unexpected life. While giving practical advice on how to "How to fall apart like a boss," or sayings to avoid in "Things you should say if you want a Good Face Punch," Melanie makes you laugh, cry, hurt and heal all within the same chapter.

I will absolutely be buying copies and giving them away to my friends with fuzzy blankets and a good, firm, full-frontal hug. Thank you Melanie, for such a courageous book.

[Victoria · Rating 1 out of 5]

Part of this one star rating is on me for not realizing that this book was so heavily about God and the author’s faith. The other part is because the author writes in a way that just comes off as “millennial trying too hard”.

[Chloe Barnes · Rating 1 out of 5]

THIS BOOK IS ENTIRELY ABOUT GOD

Would give 0 stars if I could.

I’m an atheist. I thought it would be one chapter (in which case I’d deal), but no.

Should be mandatory to put on the cover or description that it’s a faith-based book. Would never have downloaded it.

[Kiran · Rating 5 out of 5]

It revives ones faith in God, a book everyone can relate to. I am going to give it a five star for the simplicity of it. And f.r.i.e.n.d.s references are cherry on top. I wish it had more of them.

[Keara Miller · Rating 1 out of 5]

Quite possibly one of the worst books I have read in a long time, which surprised me since the reviews were so high.

My smallest gripe is how poorly organized the chapters and thoughts were, constantly thumbing through random tweets the author inserted and random movie quotes. I also found it very difficult to relate to the author as she only wrote about her struggle with fertility as a means of relating that life isn’t fair.

My biggest gripe is how the author drowns you in her religious beliefs. I’m a spiritually open-minded individual and certainly don’t mind someone sprinkling in their thoughts from time to time in their writing, but I couldn’t get through more than 1-2 sentences before there was a Bible verse or something about “God’s plan.” The whole book basically had nothing to do with coping for the loss of your personal dreams or other catastrophes, but was all about trusting God and that it is all meant to be…

I would not recommend this book if you’re hoping for sound advice or strategies to actually “learn to love the life you didn’t choose” like it says in the subtitle.

[Raquel (Silver Valkyrie Reads) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is like the friend you call up when you're sick of trying to figure out how to deal with your problems and you need to go out and eat chocolate with someone who will make you laugh and be sassy and kind of uncomfortably honest about how hard it is to deal with problems and freely admits she doesn't have the answers either but does point you back in the direction of the One who does.

If you're in more of a stage where you need tea with a gentle, wise, encouraging friend, maybe go read A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God's Sovereignty instead.

I don't agree with some of the advice in this book, but I did thoroughly enjoy the feeling of spending time with someone who gets it, who's been there where life is really hard, and knows that sometimes getting through the hard parts is a lot messier than we want it to be.

[Morgan Reichmuth · Rating 2 out of 5]

I ended up skimming the second half of this book. Personally, I found the author's voice to be over the top quirky and trying way to hard to be funny and relateable. I like to have my highlighter handy when I read books like this and I don't think I reached for it more than 2 or 3 times. It's 250 pages of "I see you. You're feelings are valid." Nothing profound or groundbreaking here.

[Samantha Reu · Rating 1 out of 5]

Validating, but useless.

Last half was overly religious, which I would have been happy to gloss over until she mentioned she was praying there would be a pregnant mom in Ethiopia needing to give up a baby for her to adopt - instead of wanting to help an already birthed child. That was fucked.

[Shermaine · Rating 1 out of 5]

Did not realise this was a religious book when I first bought it. Nothing about it is mentioned in the synopsis of the book. It just wasn't what I was looking for.

[Kim Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book kind of wrecked me in a good way. Melanie shares her heart about all of her experiences with infertility and adoption and forming a family from brokenness. You get insight into how she feels going through all these things and you feel like it will all be okay that you've had the same feelings and doubts and worries.

This second book is different from the first in a good direction. The humor and relating is still there, but the themes have a little more levity. Melanie is honest about wrestling with God and in the end she doesn't wrap things up with pretty words or a nice bow, but a hug in solidarity.

[Michelle Leighty · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of good Biblical truths, but the writing is just not my style. The format is great for easy readers.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

As previously noted, this book came to me via Austin's Random Book Picking Method. Austin has been my friend forever now. And when I need new books, I use my big ol' Goodreads database and ask him for a page and a number and he picks until we get something. I needed an audiobook and he got this (from the library!) on the second try. It was meant to be.

It's Not Fair: Learning to Love the Life You Didn't Choose is the exact book I needed right now. It's what I had hoped that This is How You Do It by Augusten Burroughs was going to help me accomplish, but as with all things, I need Jesus. Melanie, (I should write Dale but I feel like given 30 minutes and a couple cokes, we could be BFFs), comes at this from The Jesus Lens. And she's up front about it and invites you to throw the book against a wall as many times as you like (another reason we'd be BFFs-- we both understand the power of throwing a book across a room). She gave me language for what's been plaguing me since I lost our third baby in 2015, which sent me in a long, hard, drunk spiral of awfulness, decrepitude, good decisions, iffy decisions, really bad decision, super duper bad decisions I don't remember making but have the scars from, a pandemic, a termination, and a new shot at being someone like myself again: Emotional Gangrene. I have a scorching case of Emotional Gangrene because one wound after another set in and I just kept dousing it with alcohol (disinfectant!) thinking it would eventually all just get better.

Spoiler alert: it will get better. Just probably not for your definition of better. But Even Bigger Spoiler Alert: Your new better will be so different from what you imagined, that you will feel both the weight and pain of joy. You may be happy in there, too, but joy. "Joy comes in the morning" as the verse and lyrics go, and y'all, it hurts. Joy is pain rightly recognized as Father God making beauty from ashes-- after he burns it alllll down.

Highly, highly recommended! Would love to buy you a copy. I'll definitely be buying myself a paper copy. I have a few issues around her theology involving Philip Yancey, but hey, Yancey's decent. At least it wasn't Joel Osteen.

p.s. Melanie, if you are reading this, can we please be best friends?

[Shana Stoll · Rating 5 out of 5]

5+ stars. Highly, highly recommend. Written from a Christian perspective and backed with Scripture, but could be appreciated and found encouraging and helpful by non-Christians as well. Almost instantly I had a list of more than a dozen friends who I wanted to buy this book for. A light-hearted, fun look at a serious topic that we all deal with (although some in much more significant, life-altering ways than others), the unfairness of this life. It’ll make you smile, laugh, cry and feel a little bit more normal. Whether we show it on the outside or not, we are all dealing with our own hard things. Read it. You won’t be sorry!

[Calista · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is definitely more of a hodgepodge of ‘friend trying to tell you things that might help’ rather than any sort of counseling or science backed books. That being said, there were moments when I cried and let myself feel the emotions necessary.
It is an extremely religious book (which other reviews have mentioned), which, though not aforementioned in the synopsis, I appreciated.
Overall, this book feels like a sort of advertisement for the organization she volunteers with (and I understand that she wanted to include stories from it, but there must have been a better way to go about it instead of explicitly pushing.) and an advertisement for her twitter/blog (she includes random snippets that have nothing to do with what she’s talking about- I’m assuming to include some humor amidst the serious talk?).

[Menika · Rating 3 out of 5]

I absolutely loved Melanie’s other book: InfreakingInfertility, so I was really looking forward to this read. I did enjoy it but not as much as I wanted to. There seemed to be a lot of repetitiveness and I didn’t think it was as well organized as it could have been. There were some good stories in it and great points. I’m not an overly religious person, and although I respect the authors faith tremendously, the religious heaviness of this book just wasn’t my jam.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is warm, funny, and impressively honest and uplifting. Highly recommend

[Julia · Rating 1 out of 5]

It personally wasn’t for me but I didn’t want to DNF a self help book 😅

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️

[Amanda Espinoza · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author, Melanie Dale, sent me a copy of her book when it was published, but I didn’t read it right away. The premise of the book simply wasn’t applicable to me at the time. I had just moved into a new rental house after months of praying for a new home. I was in a good place. Also, I was burned out on Christian authors telling me how I didn’t measure up. But I should have known better. Melanie is never judgmental or seeming more righteous than anyone else.

It’s Not Fair is a big, awkward, nerdy hug when you are walking through something you never imagined would happen. My favorite thing about Melanie’s writing is her ability to strip an experience down to its basic core. Her book isn’t full of flowery allegorical platitudes to place in a frame and hold in your heart. Instead she literally encourages you wrap yourself in a fuzzy blanket. Her advice on dealing with well meaning people is worth the price of the book alone.

The only thing the book needed more of was Melanie’s parents. They seem like amazing people and she should write more about them.

The best part about the book is how it freed me to be my weird self. It told me the things I’m hoping for aren’t strange, but to keep waiting until something changes.

Melanie is honest and real. Her humor and pop culture references aren’t for everyone, but they are a salve to a Christian like myself. If you are going through a tough time or know someone who is and they like Marvel comics, then you should definitely hand them a copy of this book. You can also throw in a nice fuzzy blanket with the gifted book.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found Melanie Dale after reading an article about her in my alma mater's alumni magazine and read her first book "Women are Scary" while nursing my daughter. There was no doubt that I would read her second book because the first one was hilarious and spot on with what it is like to make mom friends.

This time around she wrote about learning to love the life you didn't choose. It´s Not Fair is an account of life´s low blows for the author and how she dealt with them through hilarious bible interpretation and humor including poop jokes, unicorns and some pretty dark humor regarding infertility. Melanie Dale wrote this book as if she was writing to a friend who really needed some comforting even though there is nothing anyone can do or say that will really make the situation any less poopy. She states very clearly that she is in no way here to make all your problems go away but she will be happy to sit alongside you and share that dark space while trying to make it a bit lighter and happier with some humor. There also happens to be a list of 100 things you can do to help you manage your awful life situation in chapter 9.

I am not going to lie, I skipped over the chapter that was just excerpts from the Bible but I thoroughly enjoyed all of her Bible interpretations, particularly the chapter about infertility as told by the Bible. I found out that my child´s namesake from the Bible was a really fertile woman but lacked love from her husband. I wouldn´t call that very fair nor would I call it fair for someone to be loved and infertile (aka Rachel). It is all relative to the person and his or her own situation, wants, needs, and desires and whether or not they are being met. A lot of the time they are not and that is when we want to yell ¨It´s not fair!!!¨

The only reason I gave this book a 4 our of a 5 is that I am not a Christian and didn't particularly care for the chapter with all the Bible verses. However, I appreciate that they are in there because Melanie is writing her experience and what helped her. She is also writing for an audience that no doubt will mostly be Christian women. I don't think the chapter should be taken out. It just wasn't my cup of tea.

I do, however, think this is a great book for Christians who may feel like they aren't allowed to question what life has dumped on them. Everyone is allowed to question and ponder and scream out that it isn't fair and Melanie is there alongside you pumping out those poop emojis along the way.

Melanie has a great sense of humor and whether or not you are currently in a not so great life situation right now, I highly recommend reading this book. I really felt like I was getting comforted by a friend who wasn't trying to tell me everything I should be doing to make my situation better. She was honest and heartfelt and ready to make a stupid joke and laugh at the ridiculousness that life (or God if that is how you want to look at it) throws at you. It is a quick read with short chapters and has many laugh out loud moments. I can see this book being a wonderful companion for a lot of people who are going through tough times and need to know that they are not alone even if their situations are not exactly the same.

Full disclosure, I received a copy of this book in exchange for a review and being a part of the launch team.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the funniest book about suffering! I laughed out loud, read parts to my husband (he giggled), and was moved by the message of the book. I really identified with the author and would reccommend it.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Someone once remarked (funnily enough, it was in the comment section of this blog!) that "everything in life is a choice".

Bull.

Somethings in life are chosen for us, things that no one in life would choose. Melanie Dale does a wonderful job in It's Not Fair; Learning To Love The Life You Didn't Choose explaining how sometimes life just happens and we need to go with the flow.

Backed up by scripture and humor, this book digs deep into pain and purpose. I think by chapter two I was hooked when Dale exclaims "It's not fair! This isn't how it was supposed to happen!" and a shiver went up my spine when a whisper in my head said "Maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to happen."

Who are we to judge what God places in our path? Is an 8 year old boy dying of cancer fair? No. Was there a purpose? Most certainly.

Dale tells us it's okay to question God. It's okay to not like his answers or his plan. It's okay to tell Him what WE want. We are human, life is not fair, and it downright sucks sometimes.

What I like most about this book is that while Dale has suffered different types of pain, and the stories from other women in the book are different than mine, the suffering brings us together. On page 149 she writes, "There's commonality in the ways that we fear, and there's commonality in the ways that we fail, and when we partner in pain, it gives way to sharing in the joy as well."

Partner in pain. THIS. This is why I read books written by those who have suffered tremendous pain and grew from the ashes. This is why I feel an instant connection to other parents who have lost a child. This is why grief retreats work. Why the pain in a strangers eyes can soften my heart towards them. Because when we partner in pain we heal together.

This book touches on so many subjects that one in pain will experience. "All The Feels", "Coping Mechanisms For The Horribly Mangled", "Hell Is Other People...Or Is It Heaven?", "On God, Suffering, And Other Easy Subjects", and "What's Next?".

This is a book that will be placed on my bookshelf and pulled out during those "woe is me" moments. It will be shared with friends during their tough moments in life. A little laughter and a lot of support is what I found in this book.

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers for my honest review. Review can be seen at http://trenchesofmommyhood.blogspot.c...

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learning to love the life you didn't choose. When I read the subtitle of Melanie Dale's new book It's Not Fair, I was hooked. This has essentially been the theme of my life for the past few years. I was excited to read It's Not Fair, and it turned out to be even better than I expected.

Melanie has a thing for fuzzy blankets ("Fuzzy blankets are my favorite."), and this book reads like one big fuzzy blanket hug. Need to wallow and watch Netflix? There's a chapter for that. Angry about your messed up life? Melanie will meet you in the swear shed. Hungry? See chapter nine, "Comfort Foods That Will Help You Eat Your Feelings." Not sure how to help someone? Melanie came up with 100(!) actually helpful things you can do. Are you just a hot mess? You'll find "I'm so sorry" and "me too" scattered throughout the book.

In addition to all those wonderful things, It's Not Fair is full of movie quotes, hilarious tweets, funny doodles, and anecdotes from Melanie's blog and reader submissions (mine's on page 87!). Melanie also weaves scripture and biblical encouragement throughout the book, grounding our unexpectedly messy lives in God's good and perfect will.

Yes, I am part of the launch team for this book and it is my "job" to be enthusiastic and flood social media with #itsnotfairbook, but I really did think this book is fantastic. Whether your life is a mess, or you love someone whose life is a mess, this book has it covered. With a fuzzy blanket.

And if you pre-order before August 16, head to the It's Not Fair website for details about how to get fun pre-order bonuses.

FTC Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book in exchange for a review.

[Chantel · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've ever uttered the words, "It's not fair," then you'll love this book. Melanie writes from a place of deep heartache and deep joy, (which she says is different from happiness because joy actually hurts). This isn't a book that will solve all your problems or make your pain disappear forever. But after reading this book, your heart will be a little lighter, you'll feel a little braver, and you'll rest easy knowing you've made a new friend. You'll also learn how to be that friend. In my work with families who have children with cancer and in my life as the wife of a husband who is a pastor, I meet so many people who are hurting and feel helpless. There's lots of books out there that promise joy with moral platitudes. Melanie is Melanie. She doesn't pretend to be an expert. She meets you where you are--wherever you are. And she's a hoot! With chapters on comfort foods and things you should say if you want a good face punch, you'll be laughing AND crying. There's also chapters on counting the wins, the two most powerful words (you'll have to read the book to find out what they are), and surviving the death of a dream. And then there's practical stuff too. I mean, the chapter titled "100 Things You Can Do to Help" is worth the price of the book alone! I hope you'll be brave enough to steer into the surprise that is this book, a book I imagine reading over and over again and purchasing for friends. Just because I'm all grown up doesn't mean I don't have my own "it's not fair" moments every now and again. I'm STILL learning to love the life I didn't choose.

[Angela Collingsworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s Not Fair gave me a good snort-laugh, cry, and warm hug all while putting a soothing balm on my “poor baby” emotional boo-boos.

Melanie bravely goes there and dives into the hurt and suffering that all lives experience, saying look I have wounds too; let's care for one another in a “here’s me sitting next to you way.” With a unique voice, she shares openly about her experiences in suffering, grief, wanting and waiting. She uses words that are wise, thought-provoking, humorous, and unexpectedly grant me permission to laugh even during the worst of times. She teaches us to embrace the concept of thriving during suffering, “Sur-thriving”. This book is uplifting and fun with hilarious Twitter quips in the margins, pant-pee inducing illustrations and made up words. I’ve always thought it best to laugh often. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Laughter and mummy-style wrapping of oneself in a fuzzy blanket, which Melanie suggests is a must do of self-comforting. I concur.

What’s the saying? Everyone is going into a storm, in the storm, or coming out of one. We or someone we know probably could use a good bear hug with lots of soothing hair stroking. As I read this book, I feel like Melanie did just that for my current emotional bruises and old battle scars as well. I am left feeling like I have a new friend. One who will go there with me into the trenches when life isn’t as lovely as a Facebook picture.

This book is a must read for those who need some love and for those who wish to love on hurting people.

[Cait]

At the start of the book Melanie writes, “If you are kind of side-eyed about the whole thing [God], I get it. Feel free to lump the Bible verses in weird the movie lines.” While I don’t mind religious references, I felt like this was incredibly misleading. This book is (in my opinion) very religion-based. It was not a bible verse here and there (as Melanie makes it seem) talk of God was woven into every chapter and nearly every paragraph. Again it’s not that the religion bothered me, but I guess I’m bothered by the way the book felt miss marketed. I would have liked to know what I was getting into.

That being said there was a lot of good I took away from this book and it definitely made me laugh a few times. I appreciated Melanie’s candor with her life story and her struggles. She didn’t pretend to always have it together, and she was clear that at times she gave up on her faith and herself (and how every day is a work in progress). This made the book relatable in a way that some self-help books sometimes lack.

I wouldn’t classify it under something “everyone needs to read” but if you’re going through a tough time and need a quick pep-talk of sorts, this could be a great book for you - as long as you’re comfortable with religion.

[Ashlee Gadd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book feels like curling up on the comfiest couch under a warm blanket with a dear friend who keeps telling you over and over again: "It's going to be okay; you're not alone." Melanie somehow manages to combine talking about the hard stuff with a sense of humor (how?!), and every chapter is carefully lined with compassion. And of course, in her typical style, Melanie flawlessly incorporates movie quotes, bible verses, and even hilarious doodles into her stories. My favorite chapters: How To Fall Apart Like A Boss, Things You Should Say If You Want A Good Face Punch, and Her Cupcake Is Better Than Mine. This book is full of laughter, hope, friendship, and heaps and heaps of empathy. Loved it!

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so glad a friend posted this book as having read it with her daughter and laughed a lot. I looked it up and it sounded like a message I could use right now and it certainly was. Delivered with just the right amount of levity, her faith in God shines through even as she expresses sadness, anger or doubt.

I can't remember someone (a GA) that life isn't fair and thank goodness for that because we would have it a lot worse if it were! Of course, it doesn't always feel that way and we are facing the extra hard, unexpected trials of life, it is nice to feel like someone understands and has some decent advice to help you as you face it, trudge through it or learn to see the new blessings that may come of it.

[Jenny Jerkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life can feel like one big poop emoji sometimes. Life isn't fair. But life is still good when we learn how to navigate it and love the heck out of it regardless of the big pile of poo. We all have something in our life that isn't fair. But it's time we learn to love the life we didn't choose. Thank you Melanie Dale for writing what I feel like is my exact life story, and showing us how to live with purpose and lots of humor to cope with the poo. *jazz hands* If you feel like your life hasn't been fair, then I urge you to read this book full of hilarious illustration and truth from God's word. It's a healthy balance of each.