For Better or for Kids: A Vow to Love Your Spouse with Kids in the House

by Patrick Schwenk, Ruth Schwenk

The transition from “married” to “married with children” can be tough. Before they know it, a once youthful and energetic married couple finds themselves in a minivan loaded with noisy kids and littered with Cheerios, crusty Sippy cups, banana peels, and missing library books. As much as you love your children and work hard to nurture and train them for the future, the challenges that come with parenthood can make the “for better or for worse” promise a hard one to honor.


For Better or For Kids will enable couples to:



Build a God-centered marriage instead of a Child-centered or Me-centered marriage
Avoid the dangers of spouse-neglect and self-neglect
Effectively communicate in the chaos
Explore ways to parent together as one team
Find balance in the busyness
For Better or For Kids is about remembering that even when you feel worn out, over-extended, and neglected, you promised to be a team. Marriage with kids may not always be what we expected, but it is good. We need to make a vow to love our spouse with kids in the house.

Genres: Marriage, Parenting, Christian, Nonfiction, Faith, Relationships

224 pages, Paperback

Published July 12, 2016

About the author

Patrick Schwenk is a husband, father, and pastor. Ruth Schwenk is a wife, mom, and blogger. She is the coauthor (with Karen Ehman) of Hoodwinked: Ten Myths Moms Believe & Why We All Need to Knock It Off. She and her husband are the creators of ForTheFamily.org and TheBetterMom.com. Patrick and Ruth met while attending the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago. They have been married for more than seventeen years, have four children and have been in full time ministry for over fifteen years. They live in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nice read for a couple or spouse, male or female, who feels a tad overwhelmed or needs encouraged during the busy years with kids in the house. I will be honest, the husband and wife who wrote this book reminded me so much of my own marriage and life with four children whom we are currently raising. I often laughed at the honestly in the words and stories they shared because it was so relatable to my own life! I’m glad I read this. It was encouraging and helpful in many important details regarding marriage and kids at home.

[Stephanie Sheaffer · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you already have a strong marriage, you will find that the content is neither profoundly witty/wise, nor particularly terrible/dangerous. Might be a worthwhile read for some couples.

Loved this quote by the author from page 139: “…rest from the busyness of life is not found in what we do or don’t do. …The real place to settle our soul and find rest is not in identifying the right priorities, practicing the right disciplines, or establishing the perfect rhythm. Real and lasting rest for our soul is found by staying close to Jesus.”

[Tim Callicutt · Rating 3 out of 5]

The strength of this book is its identification of topics that are unique to maintaining a strong relationship with your spouse in light of kids. Each chapter had a quote or two that was insightful, but generally speaking, this book was pretty superficial. Unfortunately, it’s one of the only books solely focused on this topic.

[Micah Fisher · Rating 3 out of 5]

There really is nothing that stands out me here as being blatantly wrong, but I left this book having no real takeaway. Everything felt so surface level and superficial, to where there was nothing for me to really sink my teeth into and apply to my own marriage.

I find it kind of ironic, because I criticized the last marriage book I read, Francis Chan's Marriage In Light of Eternity, for being more of a general Christian life book, and not one specific to marriage. Meanwhile, this book here really narrows in on the specific topic of marriage with kids, and yet I had far less takeaways to bring to my own relationship than with than when I read Chan's book.

Ultimately, this book kind of felt like it wasted my time. Maybe it just wasn't for me, and I still could see myself recommending it to others. I also wonder if it is a case where I need my own kids to be older for it to become a really beneficial read.

[Kelley Dees · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was meh. It has serious potential and there are definitely some little nuggets of wisdom in it.

Patrick is super annoying throughout and it sounds like Ruth is struggling to get him to just pull his own weight some of the time. He tells one story about not watching the kids (4 & 2) because the grass needed cut and he had a football game to watch…it was just very cringe. He never really came to a point of realizing he was in the wrong, just that they “didn’t see eye to eye on this.”

Not a bad book and had some good reminders for ways to keep your marriage first, just also had some areas where it missed the mark.

[Meghan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was fortunate enough to receive an advance reader copy of this book. This book has strong advice for couples transitioning from married to married-with-kids. It's an easy read and full of scripture to solidfy God's words about family life. I love the "Just the Two of Us" sections throughout the chapters. These sections give conversation starters about those important topics in marriage and parenting. I hope to revisit this book often during different life seasons.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t need to read this book to know that keys to marriage are grace, humility, and forgiveness (you don’t have to be parents for that to be the case). Two stars for a decently usable catalogue of questions to guide communication with your spouse.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I'm on a marriage book kick over here, having just recently read Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better at It? (which is not as overtly Christian as this book, but still grounds its practices and suggestions in a very faith-based idea of marriage).

Reading these two books back-to-back was an interesting study in personalities: Penn Holderness and Kim Holderness come off as the entertaining and showy "younger sibling"-- lots of laughs and poking fun and more salty language-- whereas Patrick and Ruth Schwenk are like the "older sibling", with a steady dose of even-keeled advice and practical examples served as a side dish to the entree of Bible verses and a consistent hearkening back to what God says. (Patrick is a pastor, so that's par for the course.) There is a lot of wisdom and good reminders throughout, and while I'm sure it would have had more impact if I had read this earlier in my marriage, the truths contained resonate even now as affirmation of the work that we've put into our marriage and how far we have come since those early years!

[Paige Gordon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although there was nothing earth shattering about it, this book was a really good reminder about the simple truth that being married with kids in the house is Hard and that the only way to come out of it with a healthy, vibrant marriage is to consistently make the right decisions in the midst of the crazy. I loved the authors honesty about how hard things really are but also their consistent message of hope that Christ has shown us a way through it all and if we hold fast to him and his promises, he will give us the strength to preserve and succeed. Well worth the time, especially if you are in this stage of life.

Favorite quote: “ Living out God‘s vision for marriage and family would be a lot easier if there was a formula to follow. We have explored biblical principles and ideas throughout this book, but they are not formulas. There is no A+ B = C for living out God‘s vision for marriage and family. We don’t get a fool proof formula, but we do get the invitation to follow Jesus -who, in person, is “the way the truth and the life” (John 14:6).”

[Michelle Castaneda · Rating 5 out of 5]

For Better or for Kids is written by a couple and gives dual perspectives on all issues regarding marriage with children. As a result, it's perfect for a couple to read together or for use in a couples' Bible study. The inserted boxes were a highlight of the book, with wonderful questions for a couple to discuss and activities to try. What I loved most about the book was the great number of topics it covers like disciplining children together, finances, communication, and hard times while dealing with each with such grace and hope. It provides a wonderful model for what a great Christian marriage can be. I received a digital copy of this book from the publisher with no obligations. These opinions are entirely my own.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some good reminders in this book, but overall there was nothing terribly deep about the advice. It's a decent read if you've never read a marriage book before.

By the end of the book I was bothered by the tone, although it may simply be the style of the authors. The husband frequently and freely shares how he messes up, while the wife very rarely shares her failures. The result (at least for me) is that the wife came off looking like a paragon of virtue while the husband appears like a caricature from a sitcom, constantly messing up or being the immature one. I appreciated the husband's candidness in sharing and I'm sure they both are still and always growing in Christ, but overall that was off-putting for me.

[Nathalie Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book informative and engaging as it is based on the authors' life experience. The questions asked at certain parts of the book also allows readers to assess themselves in terms of how they are doing currently and what they can improve on, and are also good discussion points for small group meetings for parents and those who plan to be parents. For those who want to buy this book, order here https://www.bookdepository.com/For-Be... and enjoy free delivery worldwide.

[Cassie Zabor · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good marriage book, and Tyler and I got to listen to it together on a road trip and pause to talk about the discussion questions at the end of each chapter which was really nice. It was a good reminder to us to prioritize our marriage now that we have transitioned to marriage with kids. It was a little lengthy and some fluff but overall loved the discussion questions to chat through a spouse with. I’d say there wasn’t anything profound in the book but always a good reminder on the importance of prioritizing your marriage in the midst of a busy season with kids.

[Martha · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for anyone with kids...or even better, anyone planning to have kids. As a wife, I absolutely tend to put our kids at the center of our marriage, and got lots of sound advice from this book that I will be putting in place with the help of God.

This book is a very easy read, easy to relate to, and asks really good questions of you and your spouse. I want to read this book again with my husband and really talk through the stress points the authors lay out in the book to figure out where we can make improvement in our marriage.

Biblically based book, bringing everything to Jesus as the solution. Loved that!

Absolute must-read!!!

[Meredith Nunley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was good - very insightful and the questions and discussion that came from it were great. I did feel like the writing got slow in several parts, and a bit too wordy for my liking. All in all, I would still recommend it to others because of the discussion it sparks.
See more in book notes.

[Jodee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for finding where you're missing the mark as a spouse and refocusing on your marriage. As a couple with a special needs child and who've recently experienced the loss of one of our parents, life with our three young kids has been chaotic. This was worth the read for both of us.

[Laura Waters]

I am not in the right headspace to read this book. I read two chapters and got nothing out of it, but felt preached at. I think there’s a time for this book and it’s not now for me- 10 years into my marriage, with two kids.

[Cathryn Johansson · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 I happened to be reading this when Pat sadly passed away. I will admit it made his words carry more weight. Even so, I appreciated the candor and humor of Pat and Ruth, and the questions included in each chapter were helpful, especially if you were reading it with your spouse.

[Amy Jayasuriya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good information. I think it helps to have the husband and wife completely on the same page for a lot of it but it is still good information nonetheless.

[Kelsey Strum · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing too profound, but still some great reminders of biblical wisdom and encouragement.

[Marie Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wouldn't mind having a hard copy

[Laura Meiser · Rating 4 out of 5]

When our children are very young, and so often when our marriages are still relatively new, we find ourselves in a strange place...roles changing, crisis parenting, sleep deprivation, financial pressures, uncertain family dynamics....and in those spaces, it's so easy to focus on the urgent, act and react emotionally and neglect the important...our marriages. I'm so thankful for this delightful book and wish I had had it a few years ago! Ruth and Patrick share from their hearts the things they've learned from their journey as a couple with a busy family, lots of junk and a messy life, much like us all. What this is not is a trite collection of tips and tricks but rather a heartfelt look at the hot button issues we all face in our marriages and families, supported lovingly with scriptural application and with conversation points for you and your spouse to consider. In a world that does not well support marriage, Ruth and Patrick seek to breathe new life into our relationships in all their stages and incarnations. What a blessing!

[Yonasan Aryeh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Marriage can be difficult, but marriage with kids is a whole new dimension. Where one has learned to be an adult and do adult life, when one becomes a parent, their childhood visits not in a manner of controlling adult life, but rather influencing child-rearing. This can put a strain on the marriage relationship, just as well as having these legal terrorists running around the house can be more than enough to push someone beyond their ability to cope. This book seeks to help husband and wife learn to love their spouse even with kids in the house. I never really had the opportunity to have marriage with my wife without kids in the house, as we are a blended family, but there are some categories that I can definitely say are legitimate in this book, such as the challenge of sex with the wife with kids in the house. Also, we tend to have our own parenting styles, which the book points out the importance of parenting together. Essentially, this book is a selection of thirteen main points for couples to consider and work through when facing kids in the marriage.

This book no doubt has benefit for many couples, otherwise there would be no need for it to be written. As I already indicated, my experience has not left me with learning how to balance pre-kid marriage with kid-based marriage. Then again, I suspect my struggles will be post-kid with the empty nest, since much of our marriage has been based off being a family unit together. Nevertheless, the authors (a couple) write well with one another, playing off each other's comments and creating what would seem to be a joint counseling session at some parts. These types of books do well with giving both perspectives, and help out greatly. Readers will appreciate the availability of the authors in the work and how they share from their own life experiences to each how to be for better or for kids…

Disclosure: I have received a reviewer copy and/or payment in exchange for an honest review of the product mentioned in this post.

[Alisha]

I went into this book with an open mind - hoping that I liked it, but not sure what to expect...I.LOVED.IT! I felt like Ruth Schwenk and her husband, Patrick, did an amazing job writing this book!

There were so many sections of the text that hit home, that I can't begin to list them all. Although I originally was reading this book by myself, I recommended it to my husband to read, so that we could discuss some of the questions and discussions they offer up throughout each chapter. He happily answered that he'd check it out, and I'm excited to see what comes up our thoughts together!

I felt like the real life examples from their own marriage (and they truly laid it all out for you to connect with them), as well as the advice thrown in throughout the chapters, really rang true to what life with kids is like during your marriage. Mine are still young, but the way our kids can start to rule our lives, and thus our marriage, is such a real and present "danger" to breaking that connection you have as a husband and wife. It's so important to stop back and remember that God is our priority, but next comes our spouse. Not our kids and the hundreds of obligations that come up, but our spouse. I LOVED how they started the book discussing how there should be an extra vow when you marry involving "for better or for kids", as they can quickly become the focus of your lives, and then you lose yourself and each other.

Overall, probably one of my favorite wife/parenting books that I've ever read, and it was really awesome that both of those roles were rolled into one book. Bravo! I'll be recommending this to many friends!

**Please note: I have received this book as an advanced reader copy from the author in exchange for a honest review. It did not alter my opinion in any way.**

[Rebecca Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read several books about marriage lately. I have a good marriage, and I realize that marriage is one of those relationships that always need attention, especially when there are children in the house. So, when I had the opportunity to review For Better or for Kids: A Vow to Love Your Spouse with Kids in the House, I knew that it was a book that I wanted to read.

In this book, co-written by Patrick & Ruth Schwenk, there is much discussion of marriage and of how that relationship has to transition to life after the children are born. After all, God gives us these children to nurture and to raise, but sometimes in our desire to give them the best, we end up moving our partners out of our primary relationship with them. Our marriages take a back seat.

So, in this book, the Schwenks discuss how to build a God-centered marriage instead of a child-centered or me-centered marriage. They do this through examining our romantic lives, our teamwork as parents, giving grace to each other, finding time for rest, dealing with busyness, when you’re running on empty, communication, finances, and dealing with times of pain.

I found this book to be encouraging. I have been truly working on eliminating the busyness in my life so that I can be a better wife and mother, and so that I can follow the call that God has given me in my life. I’m afraid that it’s all to busy for me to get wrapped up in busyness and to put my husband completely behind both my ministry work, friends and my children. So, this was an affirming message that it’s okay to say no, and that I need to attend to those relationships that God has placed in my life, beginning to my husband.

Disclaimer: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Tima · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marriage can be difficult at first, but add kids to the mix and some people begin to understand the part in the vows that says "or for worse". We love our little ones, but they can definitely interfere with couple time. The authors have drawn from personal experience and their experiences in ministry to write a book for those married couples struggling to find each other amongst the children. Each chapter has relatable stories, bullet points, questions, and take-away thoughts that will show the couple how to have a beautiful and meaningful relationship with children in the home.

This was not only an informative book, but it was also one that I enjoyed reading. The writing style is relaxed and friendly, like visiting with two friends who share your troubles and concerns. While the book is faith based, I think anyone would benefit from the advice, conversation starters, and stories the authors have shared. The subjects deal with communication, establishing date nights, and finding balance. Overall, this was an enjoyable way to take a refreshing look at how marriage with children can be a wonderful thing.

I received this book free of charge from BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest review.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

While waiting for a child for adoption, I want to solidify our marriage, and jumped at the chance to read this book! I've always heard the expression, "Children will come and then move away, but your spouse is there through it all," which made me realize that I didn't want my marriage to revolve around a child, but my spouse. This book addresses just that! It helps you stay committed to your partner or spouse even when mother or fatherhood wears you out. I love that she includes conversation starters for you and your spouse. It will help tons when you're worn out from the children! I would recommend this book to every couple who have or will have children.

*I received this book complimentary in exchange for my honest opinion.*

[Carey · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great, easy read that uses real life examples and story from the authors' lives to communicate some practical ways to make sure your marriage doesn't get lost in the shuffle of parenting. Kids are demanding. Parenting is hard work. So is marriage! We have to work and prioritize, make tough choices, talk about the hard stuff. Love the application sections that encourage communication with your spouse by offering topics for discussion, questions to ask, etc.

I will probably start buying this for baby showers because it's an important conversation!

I received an advanced reader's copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Beverly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, a marriage book that talks about how to have a romantic marriage without ignoring the kids. I felt that Patrick & Ruth are able to bring balance to the family--not child-led or child-neglect. Working as a team to have couple & family priorities, it's about more than just the importance of a Date Night.
(I received an advanced copy for my honest review)

[Sarah Wiley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book written for a husband and wife by a husband and wife. Two perspectives most importantly sharing what the Bible teaches us about God's perspective for marriage. A good balance of teaching and shared experiences.