I Live Inside: Memoirs of a Babe in Toyland

by Michelle Leon

Babes in Toyland burst onto the Minneapolis music scene in the late 1980s and quickly established itself at the forefront of punk/alternative rock. The all-female trio featured a shy, seventeen-year-old Jewish teen from the suburbs on bass guitar—an instrument she had never played before joining the band.

Over the next few years, Michelle Leon lived the rock-and-roll lifestyle—playing live concerts, recording in studios, touring across the United States and Europe, and spending endless hours in stuffy vans, staying in two-star motels, and sleeping on strangers' couches in town after town. The grind and drama of life in the band gradually wore on Leon, however, and a heartbreaking tragedy led her to rethink her commitment to the band and the music scene.

Leon's sensitive, sensory prose puts readers right on stage with Babes in Toyland while also conveying the uncertainty, vulnerability, and courage needed by a girl who never felt like she fit in to somehow find her place in the world.

Genres: Music, Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography Memoir, Feminism, Rock N Roll

216 pages, Hardcover

First published April 15, 2016

Reviews

[Lynx · Rating 5 out of 5]

Michelle Leon shares with us her beautifully written coming of age memoir chronicling her years as bass player for the kick ass all girl punk rock group Babes in Toyland. Michelle digs deep with such heartbreaking honesty and humble introspection, it feels at times as though your reading her personal diary, so raw with emotion and sensitivity you can't help but feel it all yourself. Growing up and finding your true self is a wondrous mess of joy and pain and Leon captures her journey with inspiring insight and heartfelt prose.

*Thanks to Edelweiss and Minnesota Historical Society Press for this review copy.

[Gabrielle (Reading Rampage) · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s stating the obvious that I love Babes in Toyland. I’ve been reading so many book on 90s musicians recently, and I was very excited to find this one, because while the other book I read about the ‘Minneapolis ragecore queens’ (https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...) was interesting, it was not from an insider’s perspective, and I really, really wanted to know more about what it was like being in one of the most awesome all-girl band of my favorite music era.

Michelle Leon’s prose is stunning. You can tell by the page count that this won’t be a deep dive into the Minneapolis scene, or an extremely detailed kind of autobiography. What Leon did was simply focus on the years when she was active in the band, and remembers what that experience felt like, putting the reader directly in her shoes, with alternating chapters about her childhood and upbringing and help draw a more detailed portrait of her as an artist and musician. This approach makes for a very readable, if sometimes ephemeral-feeling book. Her feelings about the band are understandably bittersweet, but those were some really intense years and events to live through as a woman in her early twenties: being in a working indie band is hard work, and when you add volatile personalities and personal tragedies to the mix, it can leave long-lasting bruises behind – though Michelle clearly harbours no hard feelings. She seems to have made peace with how wild those years were and has grown enough to put them into perspective.

Of course, I wish it was a longer book, but I deeply love how raw, honest and messy it is, because that’s how those years must have felt to Michelle. It’s a precious account of being part of a vibrant music scene and a seminal band who’s influence you can still hear in younger bands. I highly recommend this book to Babes in Toyland fans, obviously, but to anyone interested in the history of rock and the 90s.

[Casey Kiser · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is uniquely written and impressively intimate. A fun ride along with three sassy girls on the road making their own place in 90's alternative music history. The pics are a plus and Michelle describes her relationship with Joe Cole, the famous roadie for Black Flag and best friend of Rollins, before his murder in 1991. Leon writes this in spurts of events in the band's career, setting a satisfying pace for the book, while adding offbeat flashbacks of her childhood.

[Vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great read, Michelle gave a kind but honest account of her time during the formative years with the band. Enjoyed the writing and the short but impactful chapters, my only criticism was that it wasn’t nearly long enough, I was definitely longing for more.

[Andy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I browsed through Michelle Leon's book at Barnes & Noble since I'd played with many of the bands mentioned (Cows, God Bullies) and thought this was a must read. Michelle Leon was a founding member of Babes In Toyland,a pre-Riot Grrl band who sounded more goth than grunge, a strange combo of The Cramps mixed with Siouxsie & The Banshees, fronted by a woman who could have played a witch in an Ingmar Bergman film.

Everything Leon describes about being a band is absolutely true, no frills, warts and all, and just like my novel Every Good Boy Dies First it's the story of a musician who dreams of being in a great band only to be disillusioned. watching it slowly dissipate into a nightmare.

Leon intersperses her band memoirs with brief snapshots of her childhood, a good break from the relentless depression of her band story. Everything grinds to a dead halt when her on-again, off-again boyfriend is murdered and she unravels to the point of losing interest in playing music.

It's nice to know that her book ends with her happily married with children, a dog and a white picket fence, but there are some of us, in the words of Bryan Ferry, "who want tomorrow, there's one in every town. A crazy guy, he'd rather die than be tied down".

[Pandora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Back in the dim, dark ages when there was no internet, no Google image search, we used to have to make our band flyers by hand; a mix of our own illustrations, glittery stickers of faeries and flowers, collages of 50s pin-up girls and drawings of blood drops, knives, spiders and skulls. You'd make one and then have to go to a library to photocopy it.
Leon's memoir reminds me of this painstaking process, in that it combines beautiful textures and grim, riot grrrl-era darkness. It moves back and forth in time from her Minneapolis childhood to her short but incredibly intense tenure as bass player for Babes In Toyland, a band rivaled only by Hole and L7 in the influence it had on us girls who were college-aged in the early 90s.
If you were around back then, you'll know the basic outline of Leon's story, but to hear her tell it - in brief, poetic passages - so much more is revealed. Leon's writing reminds me, in the best possible way, of another influential writer of the time; Francesca Lia Block, in that it is sparing but evocative. In a short sentence, you can feel all five senses; the taste of cheap canned oysters, net curtains over candles, the ear-splitting sizzle of guitar feedback.
Not much dialog is recorded, but 'I Live Inside' makes you feel like you are there, watching over the shoulders of the dreadlocked girls and the long-fringed boys in velvet and flannel.
The only thing I wish Leon had dealt with more was the artistic element of how Babes wrote and arranged their music, but this book deals in feelings and evoking a particular time and place; it's not a critique of the band's music.
I did have to smile when Leon recalls dissing 'note readers who write waltzes' with drummer Lori Barbero, as the song that gives the book its title ('Spun', from Fontanelle ) is, ironically enough, in waltz time. I'd also like to know the particular significance of the lyrics Leon chose to highlight; verses from 'Spit To See The Shine', 'Mother' and 'Mad Pilot' for example. Are these just her favourites, the ones that resonated with her most, or ones she had a hand in writing?
It's a beautiful, sad, funny book. You don't have to have been a big fan of Babes, or grunge, or old enough to have lived through the early 90s to revel in it. It's tough and tender, scenes of dark violence and ecstatic beauty side by side, arriving at a perfect balance of memory, distance, loss and redemption.

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was never a big Babes in Toyland fan, though I did spend time with Kat Bjelland one night in Seattle while she tried to track down drugs for me. She was very nice to me even though the drugs never came through.

I liked the way this book was put together, short chapters detailing her time in the band as well as other parts and times in Leon’s life. The prose was engaging and easy to identify with.

[Nettie Grey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Luminous and compelling, this was a pleasure to read and I finished it in two days, rather reluctantly, as I didn't want it to end. Took me back to a time that I remember with both fondness and sadness. One of the best music memoirs I've run across, beautifully written and moving.

[Ruby Noise · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed Michelle's writing style "punk-poetics". I enjoyed the ride and wasn't left feeling like she was name dropping nor dragging me through the dirt of all the drug and alcohol issues while Babes in Toyland were together. I can understand how tempers would have flared and moods would have ensued living with two other women in a van for months on end. I'm glad she made it out alive.

[Jodi · Rating 3 out of 5]

In this slim volume, Michelle Leon former bass player for Babes in Toyland, recounts her childhood, her time traveling with Babes, a little bit of her life post-Babes. Leon was only in Babes for a handful of years, yet she has plenty of material to write about. The book flies by in short, choppy chapters with wonderful prose. Leon avoids the pitfalls of many rock and roll memoirs by not belaboring the monotony of touring, while still giving you the essence of the monotony. This is a memoir that reads like someone is pulling you close and whispering all the dirt in your ear — dirt about Lori Barbero, Kat Bjelland, and various scenesters, while also sharing her own dirty laundry. In the midst of this rise to stardom, Leon suffers a huge tragedy, which was news to me so I’ll keep it mum, because the shock of it made for some good reading. This tragedy led her to ditch the Babes and head to New Orleans to recover. This is a good one.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Superb memoir. Very easy to get into. Short, strong chapters. Highly recommended.

[Melody Newby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, emotional and genuine writing. Highly recommend.

[Sheli · Rating 4 out of 5]

So good. Totally brings me back to hanging out at First Ave in the 90's seeing all the shows.

[grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

well written--really enjoyed the short chapters and childhood memories interspersed throughout, as well as her thoughts as babes in toyland progressed and the experiences she had on the road.

the few chapters she had about having a flower shop were my favorite.

[Unwisely · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to admit, while I have a Babes In Toyland album (Fontanelle, I went and checked), I'm hardly a super fan. So I picked this up more for the story than anything. This is not my first "women in a band" book, (Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl, Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock's Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout, Petal Pusher: A Rock and Roll Cinderella Story, possibly more that I don't remember offhand), and... this one is literary.

I mean, the book is fine, but there are weird, unrelated throwbacks to her childhood (helpfully signaled by a crumpled paper background, at least in the edition I was reading), and overall it's just sort of "here are some things that happened", and unless you are a huge fan, maybe a different book would be more interesting.

[Juliette · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED the band Babes in Toyland as a teenager. I was lucky to be able to see them play at Lollapalooza & many more times at First Avenue. I even dressed up as lead singer/guitarist Kat Bjelland for Halloween when I was 13 or 14. It was exciting to read this book! I really enjoyed bassist Michelle Leon's memoir. She shares enough detail about life of the road while on tour with Kat and Lori that made me feel the discomfort, lonliness, and fatigue. She writes really beautifully about places (Minneapolis, New Orleans, Europe), scents (Fracas perfume, vintage dresses, flowers, incense) and her friendship with Kat. I hope Michelle Leon writes another book. I really wish Kat would write a book, too. I can't get enough of Minneapolis rock memoirs!

[Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written book: short bursts of well-crafted language bring us directly into key moments of her life, from childhood to playing bass with Babes in Toyland to finding her way after her time in the band. The book's brief, almost poetic, chapters perfectly capture the thrill and horrors of life on the road as a poorly paid rock band, describe the joy and ache of young love, and chart life-changing experiences across the globe: San Francisco, New Orleans, Europe, and her beloved Minneapolis.

[Maggie Duval · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed her first person present writing style as well as the unique flashbacks on elements of her life and personality and feelings of always being a misfit, which I relate to.

Michelle's book transported me right back to my own early '90s in the Bay Area, and triggered memories I'd completely forgotten about.

Thoroughly engaging, I read it in one sitting.

[Clifford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easily 5 stars. I loved this book. I love the band as well. Heartfelt honesty was so much appreciated. I really do need to find more of her work.

[D · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once I started reading this book I couldn't put it down.

[Celeste Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

loved it!

[Patti · Rating 4 out of 5]

By the time I entered the Mpls rock scene it was 1992-93. Too late to have seen Michelle play with Babes in Toyland. But I was at a show at First Avenue not too long after and was extremely impressed by how much they fucking rocked. But their shows in town seemed rare - due to their extensive touring around the country and Europe. It was really interesting to read the details of life on the road. And am so glad I never chose that life for myself. I wouldn't have survived it.

This memoir is stunningly poignant. It's lyrical text flows with the current of life, music and the drive to experience everything at once. Michelle survived a time and lifestyle many did not. I'm happy to see that she's thriving.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

Leon gives a succinct and concise account of her time in Babes In Toyland, interspersed with excerpts of childhood and adolescent memories. A brief read that is engaging enough but lacks depth or detail. For example, Leon occasionally touches on the subject of her band's leader Kat Bjelland, in terms of her mental health and drug addiction, but any reader seeking to understand Bjelland better (which would apply to most Babes fans and aficionados of this genre of music) will be frustratingly disappointed. Similarly, she dismisses Riot Grrrl out of hand in a couple of sentences, without explaining further why it left her cold.

Ultimately, this is a personal, brief memoir that may have been therapeutic for Leon to write, and possibly offers a personalised glimpse into life on the road with an all-female band in the early 90s, but it is by no means definitive or entirely satisfying.

[Justin Cardinal · Rating 4 out of 5]

Received this book as a gift. Considering I knew nothing of the band, I’m impressed with how well this pulled me in and kept me interested. It comes across as a very honest, personal story about what it’s like to live with this level of success and fame in music.

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

A delight through and through, raw and real and yes I am giving it an extra half star because I lived through a lot of this twin cities music scene just a couple of years after she did and it just felt like an old friend reminding you of the weird times you used to have.

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

what an absolutely beautiful and lush memoir. i adore this kind of personal, descriptive writing style and it’s my favorite to read. after finishing it i wish i could read it all over again. of course i love the band, but even if this wasn’t the case, this is purely an enjoyable read regardless.

[Sally · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this on a Sunday morning. Intensely personal but not overwhelming.

[Caroline Burau · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautifully written, honest and raw.

[Emily Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was absolutely everything I needed ❤️

[Darren · Rating 3 out of 5]

She writes like a friend. She sounds like a friend.