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A Handbook For My Lover [Hardcover] Rosalyn DMello
BRAND NEW, Exactly same ISBN as listed, Please double check ISBN carefully before ordering.
244 pages, Hardcover
Published January 1, 2015
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews
May 1, 2017
This is a book I picked up on a sheer whim at the Friendecoes Yard Sale (where of course I had gone firmly determined NOT to buy books). Ok, so there was a strong motivating factor – the inscription inside the book read “To Dayanita Singh … from Rosalyn D’Mello” in a gorgeous fountain pen cursive. How could I resist? I didn’t pause to reflect on how exactly Dayanita’s copy found its way to yard sale (oversight? She hated the book?), but I grabbed on to it for dear life. I had recently been to Dayanita’s exhibition – I like her photography, while some of my friends simply love it. The inscription said (to Dayanita) “It’s a book about light” – I should have known then that I was already in love with Rosalyn’s writing.
I don’t think I had planned to actually read the book – not in the near future, going by the usual fate of newly purchased books. Newly purchased books must stew on my shelf for a few months, or years, till their new book smell gives way to a dusty sneeze-inducing haze. However, I read one page (the blurb, thankfully, is very tastefully enigmatic) and my reaction was basically –Whoa! Second page – woohoo! Third page - Holy Moly this is goooood! After a few pages I finally turned to the back and read those two little descriptive words below the ISBN code: “Non-fiction/Erotica”. Wow, I couldn’t remember the last time I read actual erotica, forget about good erotica. I was enjoying this. This WAS good, guilty pleasure. I was hooked.
I read this book over many short bursts. Usually at night, in bed, but also once at a café with a friend over Rs 50 golgappas (EACH) where we giggled and trashed the book. Once in a train. Once in a park. It was good everywhere. I followed Rosalyn on twitter and instagram and she followed me back. I rested the book for a few days towards the end, because I didn’t want it to end. I had to positively rip myself away from it before the Alice meet, lest I mix up inappropriate comments at a meet where kids were expected.
What do I actually want to reveal about this book to you? Two words – Non-fiction and erotica. But I don’t want you to be blinded by either of these classifications. A handbook for my lover crosses across many genres, and debunks many stereotypes. Ok fine, I’ll tell you a bit more – it is supposed to be a memoir of Rosalyn covering her “unusual” love affair with somebody or the other. I don’t care about unusual or not, I just want you to know that she is writing about a relationship. And that she writes beautifully. Her writing is lyrical, wistful, poignant…hypnotic. Some lines and paragraphs are breath taking. If nothing else, you have to read this book for the beauty of its language.
The closest likeness of such writing/genre I can think of is The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan, which is a brief, poetic book – quite literally a dictionary, albeit with a story weaved in non-linearly. Think of a handbook for my lover as an expanded and explicit Lover’s Dictionary. I hope you get an idea of what I’m talking about. On a tangential note, I also want to point out that I’m comparing it with a book written by a man (since at BYOB, we’ve been noticing genders of authors a lot these days). The thought which logically follows is that a handbook.. is a book that can probably be read and enjoyed by men as well. This is no chick-lit. Oh no, it isn’t.
And now that we’re tantalizingly close to the question – is this a feminist book? Yes and no. Yes to the extent that it is about a sexually liberated female. Rosalyn herself admits to being a feminist in the book. And no to the extent that – how do I put this? Well, it is a non-fiction autobiographical account. And often in life and in romantic relationships especially, feminism is a hard ideal to stick to. Maybe that is Rosalyn’s unapologetic point –that imperfections are fine.
Coming back to my friend in the café, one of the questions he asked me was whether this book is a tell-all. It definitely sounds like it would be. Non-fiction+erotica; do the math. But let me tell you of another book it reminded me strongly of – All about love by bell hooks, a non-fiction memoir recommended by Emma Watson for her book club. It’s one of the books I have abandoned halfway through his year; I simply could not tolerate hooks’ patronizing tone. On the other hand, Rosalyn’s memoir is addressed entirely to her lover – she is not prescribing or explaining (womansplaining? Can we make this a thing?). It’s very, very personal. It’s her life, and she’s NOT saying this is how your life should be. And yet, it is not a tell-all. Not for a single moment did I feel like a voyeur. It’s not intrusive, even the explicit bits do not make you feel churlish or guilty. She writes with with remarkable class and grace, entirely free of pretense or guile.
Since it is written in first person, do you read it in Rosalyn’s voice? Yes and no. Yes, anybody who is in love, or has ever been in love, will be able to identify with what she is saying. No because many of the situations and experiences are unique, so you are back to being the third person, feeling sympathy if not empathy, and definitely not feeling patronized or voyeuristic. No also because Rosalyn’s writing is so beautiful you simply cannot put yourself at that level. Haha.
A handbook for my lover is also a bibliophile’s book. By which I mean it is littered with many references and quotes from literature, none of which I had read, but now I will; expanding tbr list yay! It is easy to see that Rosalyn absolutely loves reading, and has read extensively – a kindred spirit! This is a book I thoroughly enjoyed reading. I’d lend out my copy ONCE, out of BYOB courtesy, but mostly I will cling to it and never ever give it to anyone.
Buy Your Own Book.
Update: Rosalyn is amazing and funny and gorgeous. It was so surreal to meet her, 1/5/17
I don’t think I had planned to actually read the book – not in the near future, going by the usual fate of newly purchased books. Newly purchased books must stew on my shelf for a few months, or years, till their new book smell gives way to a dusty sneeze-inducing haze. However, I read one page (the blurb, thankfully, is very tastefully enigmatic) and my reaction was basically –Whoa! Second page – woohoo! Third page - Holy Moly this is goooood! After a few pages I finally turned to the back and read those two little descriptive words below the ISBN code: “Non-fiction/Erotica”. Wow, I couldn’t remember the last time I read actual erotica, forget about good erotica. I was enjoying this. This WAS good, guilty pleasure. I was hooked.
I read this book over many short bursts. Usually at night, in bed, but also once at a café with a friend over Rs 50 golgappas (EACH) where we giggled and trashed the book. Once in a train. Once in a park. It was good everywhere. I followed Rosalyn on twitter and instagram and she followed me back. I rested the book for a few days towards the end, because I didn’t want it to end. I had to positively rip myself away from it before the Alice meet, lest I mix up inappropriate comments at a meet where kids were expected.
What do I actually want to reveal about this book to you? Two words – Non-fiction and erotica. But I don’t want you to be blinded by either of these classifications. A handbook for my lover crosses across many genres, and debunks many stereotypes. Ok fine, I’ll tell you a bit more – it is supposed to be a memoir of Rosalyn covering her “unusual” love affair with somebody or the other. I don’t care about unusual or not, I just want you to know that she is writing about a relationship. And that she writes beautifully. Her writing is lyrical, wistful, poignant…hypnotic. Some lines and paragraphs are breath taking. If nothing else, you have to read this book for the beauty of its language.
The closest likeness of such writing/genre I can think of is The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan, which is a brief, poetic book – quite literally a dictionary, albeit with a story weaved in non-linearly. Think of a handbook for my lover as an expanded and explicit Lover’s Dictionary. I hope you get an idea of what I’m talking about. On a tangential note, I also want to point out that I’m comparing it with a book written by a man (since at BYOB, we’ve been noticing genders of authors a lot these days). The thought which logically follows is that a handbook.. is a book that can probably be read and enjoyed by men as well. This is no chick-lit. Oh no, it isn’t.
And now that we’re tantalizingly close to the question – is this a feminist book? Yes and no. Yes to the extent that it is about a sexually liberated female. Rosalyn herself admits to being a feminist in the book. And no to the extent that – how do I put this? Well, it is a non-fiction autobiographical account. And often in life and in romantic relationships especially, feminism is a hard ideal to stick to. Maybe that is Rosalyn’s unapologetic point –that imperfections are fine.
Coming back to my friend in the café, one of the questions he asked me was whether this book is a tell-all. It definitely sounds like it would be. Non-fiction+erotica; do the math. But let me tell you of another book it reminded me strongly of – All about love by bell hooks, a non-fiction memoir recommended by Emma Watson for her book club. It’s one of the books I have abandoned halfway through his year; I simply could not tolerate hooks’ patronizing tone. On the other hand, Rosalyn’s memoir is addressed entirely to her lover – she is not prescribing or explaining (womansplaining? Can we make this a thing?). It’s very, very personal. It’s her life, and she’s NOT saying this is how your life should be. And yet, it is not a tell-all. Not for a single moment did I feel like a voyeur. It’s not intrusive, even the explicit bits do not make you feel churlish or guilty. She writes with with remarkable class and grace, entirely free of pretense or guile.
Since it is written in first person, do you read it in Rosalyn’s voice? Yes and no. Yes, anybody who is in love, or has ever been in love, will be able to identify with what she is saying. No because many of the situations and experiences are unique, so you are back to being the third person, feeling sympathy if not empathy, and definitely not feeling patronized or voyeuristic. No also because Rosalyn’s writing is so beautiful you simply cannot put yourself at that level. Haha.
A handbook for my lover is also a bibliophile’s book. By which I mean it is littered with many references and quotes from literature, none of which I had read, but now I will; expanding tbr list yay! It is easy to see that Rosalyn absolutely loves reading, and has read extensively – a kindred spirit! This is a book I thoroughly enjoyed reading. I’d lend out my copy ONCE, out of BYOB courtesy, but mostly I will cling to it and never ever give it to anyone.
Buy Your Own Book.
Update: Rosalyn is amazing and funny and gorgeous. It was so surreal to meet her, 1/5/17
June 9, 2020
I had been looking forward to reading this memoir for months, after listening to D'Mello speak at Melbourne Writers Festival not once, but twice, in 2016. For the most part I really enjoyed it, but there were a few patches where it failed to hold my attention and I was turning pages faster than I could actually read them. Overall I thought it was a beautifully written piece of work, but one that struggles a bit with its own identity.
A Handbook for My Lover is a series of essays that loosely follows the chronology of D'Mello's 6-7 years (and counting) affair with a famous photographer who happens to be 30 years older than her. This age-gap might induce some raised eyebrows, but for me the fascinating aspect of the relationship is that it is an unconventional one by most standards that has played out in a rapidly modernising India. I couldn't dream of a better counterpoint to my year of Indian literature in 2016, where women were largely relegated to supporting roles (whether fiction or not), and often only entered the spotlight when the dramas of arranged marriage arose. While D'Mello still plays the role of homemaker for her lover to an extent, she is first and foremost a feminist, with her own strong views about partnership, work, sex and love. She never identifies her lover, and I didn't really need to know who he is, but just now I spent a minute or two searching and had no trouble finding out his name and why he is famous. It makes no difference to how I feel about the book.
One of my favourite passages is one that D'Mello read at MWF. It's too long to add as a quote, so I'll put it here:
When I was twelve and self-conscious, I had a nightly ritual. I'd stand in front of the mirror, comb my hair, brush my teeth, wash my face, dry myself, then stare at my reflection, wondering if this was really me. Before sleeping I'd say a little prayer. Always, the same words coursed through my lips because there was only one thing I wanted most of all.
Beauty.
I prayed for beauty.
When I woke, I'd walk to the mirror and face my disappointment. Nothing had changed. My skin was still as dark as roasted cocoa. I'd lament the day; the jibes from strangers reminding me of my unfortunate colour, my mother's protest at my opposition to fairness creams, my dwindling self-esteem, my battle with choosing clothes whose colour wouldn't contrast so sharply against the black of my skin.
I was the misfit by default. I hated being different. I was tired of derision. I wanted to be desired.
This petitioning and the ensuing disappointment continued for two years. Until one night, when I decided to alter the texture of my intercession.
I stopped asking for beauty. I asked for wisdom instead.
It has made all the difference.
I've made it all the way through to the end without mentioning the 'e' word - erotic or erotica. I think this is a marketing issue that gives a clue to the identity problem I mentioned at the start of my review. An erotic memoir? I'm not familiar enough with the erotica genre to know where this sits, but I'd be happy to describe it as a sensual memoir. A little bit racy in language and narrative in parts, but not so much that it sits outside of the mainstream.
A Handbook for My Lover is a series of essays that loosely follows the chronology of D'Mello's 6-7 years (and counting) affair with a famous photographer who happens to be 30 years older than her. This age-gap might induce some raised eyebrows, but for me the fascinating aspect of the relationship is that it is an unconventional one by most standards that has played out in a rapidly modernising India. I couldn't dream of a better counterpoint to my year of Indian literature in 2016, where women were largely relegated to supporting roles (whether fiction or not), and often only entered the spotlight when the dramas of arranged marriage arose. While D'Mello still plays the role of homemaker for her lover to an extent, she is first and foremost a feminist, with her own strong views about partnership, work, sex and love. She never identifies her lover, and I didn't really need to know who he is, but just now I spent a minute or two searching and had no trouble finding out his name and why he is famous. It makes no difference to how I feel about the book.
One of my favourite passages is one that D'Mello read at MWF. It's too long to add as a quote, so I'll put it here:
When I was twelve and self-conscious, I had a nightly ritual. I'd stand in front of the mirror, comb my hair, brush my teeth, wash my face, dry myself, then stare at my reflection, wondering if this was really me. Before sleeping I'd say a little prayer. Always, the same words coursed through my lips because there was only one thing I wanted most of all.
Beauty.
I prayed for beauty.
When I woke, I'd walk to the mirror and face my disappointment. Nothing had changed. My skin was still as dark as roasted cocoa. I'd lament the day; the jibes from strangers reminding me of my unfortunate colour, my mother's protest at my opposition to fairness creams, my dwindling self-esteem, my battle with choosing clothes whose colour wouldn't contrast so sharply against the black of my skin.
I was the misfit by default. I hated being different. I was tired of derision. I wanted to be desired.
This petitioning and the ensuing disappointment continued for two years. Until one night, when I decided to alter the texture of my intercession.
I stopped asking for beauty. I asked for wisdom instead.
It has made all the difference.
I've made it all the way through to the end without mentioning the 'e' word - erotic or erotica. I think this is a marketing issue that gives a clue to the identity problem I mentioned at the start of my review. An erotic memoir? I'm not familiar enough with the erotica genre to know where this sits, but I'd be happy to describe it as a sensual memoir. A little bit racy in language and narrative in parts, but not so much that it sits outside of the mainstream.
November 24, 2020
I am very confused about this book.
I finished reading it in a day, so it is definitely fast-paced (the editing could have been better to be honest, though.) But the book made me feel thoroughly uncomfortable. And no, it is not because it is an erotic memoir of a love story starring a young woman and a much older man. The sex bits of the relationship didn't make me feel as uncomfortable as the non-sexual bits did.
In a way, I understand that this is a brave book. Parts of it are so raw and honest that it made me feel like a voyeur where I am intruding in the personal space of the couple. The way the book is addressed to the author's lover reminds me of The Lover's Dictionary, which had a similar tone.
There is something about A Handbook For My Lover that does not sit well with me. Maybe it is the unequal power dynamic or the utter helplessness of the author when her lover yells at her in anger. Yes, I understand that every relationship is different - but personally I hate reading books where the man displays his aggression and the woman is rendered helpless by it. And no, it is not just because it is very un-feminist (which it is), but also because of how triggering it feels to be reminded of all those instances where I have seen it happen (be it to me or around me.)
The author exercised her agency in choosing to be with her lover and I hope that the joy and love she experienced far outweighed anything else. I am exercising mine by accepting that this book wasn't for me. Nothing about this review should be construed as a negative feedback to the author's writing, because I found it to be utterly captivating. It is just that the content is not something I am okay with. I would have severely appreciated a content warning for toxic relationships.
PS. This is one of those books I am curious to revisit when I am older to see if I feel any different.
I finished reading it in a day, so it is definitely fast-paced (the editing could have been better to be honest, though.) But the book made me feel thoroughly uncomfortable. And no, it is not because it is an erotic memoir of a love story starring a young woman and a much older man. The sex bits of the relationship didn't make me feel as uncomfortable as the non-sexual bits did.
In a way, I understand that this is a brave book. Parts of it are so raw and honest that it made me feel like a voyeur where I am intruding in the personal space of the couple. The way the book is addressed to the author's lover reminds me of The Lover's Dictionary, which had a similar tone.
There is something about A Handbook For My Lover that does not sit well with me. Maybe it is the unequal power dynamic or the utter helplessness of the author when her lover yells at her in anger. Yes, I understand that every relationship is different - but personally I hate reading books where the man displays his aggression and the woman is rendered helpless by it. And no, it is not just because it is very un-feminist (which it is), but also because of how triggering it feels to be reminded of all those instances where I have seen it happen (be it to me or around me.)
The author exercised her agency in choosing to be with her lover and I hope that the joy and love she experienced far outweighed anything else. I am exercising mine by accepting that this book wasn't for me. Nothing about this review should be construed as a negative feedback to the author's writing, because I found it to be utterly captivating. It is just that the content is not something I am okay with. I would have severely appreciated a content warning for toxic relationships.
PS. This is one of those books I am curious to revisit when I am older to see if I feel any different.
February 11, 2017
॥ ভালবাসার শব্দকোষ ॥
[ A Handbook for my lover by Rosalyn D’Mello, Harper Collins, ₹ 499]
“*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”
মেয়েটি তখন তেইশ, আর পুরুষটি তখনই তিপান্ন!
মেয়েটি ইতি-উতি একটি চাকরি করে, আর পুরুষটি দুনিয়া ঘোরা এক চিত্রগ্রাহক!
মেয়েটি একটি বই লিখতে চায়; তাই সে তার প্রেম ও তার প্রেমিককেই বেছে নেয় তার বইয়ের বিষয় করে!
অথচ তাদের তো প্রেম হওয়ার কথা ছিল না। সম্পর্কটা হওয়ার কথা ছিল যে ‘ওয়ান নাইট স্টান্ড’ এর, হওয়ার কথা ছিল আরব্যরজনীর কেবল একটি গল্পের মত, হওয়ার কথাছিল দশ লাইনের একটি কবিতার মত! কিন্তু সেই একরাত কেমন করে বয়ে বয়ে, দিন পেরিয়ে, মাস পেরিয়ে, রয়ে গেল কয়েক বছরের ধরে! তাদের সামাজিক ব্যাকরণ বহির্ভূত ‘লিভ-ইন’ সম্পর্কের পরতে পরতে মিশে গেল ভালবাসা, যৌনতা, রাগ-বিরাগ, দিনযাপনের কিছু ক্লেদ ও ক্লেশ, আর অসংখ্য ভাবনা! দিনযাপনের সেই সব খন্ড খন্ড মুহুর্তচিত্রই ভাবনার রসে জারিয়ে তৈরী হয়েছে এই চিলতে বই!
এই বই শব্দের, এই বই ভাবনার, এই বই একটি মেয়ের নিজেকে উদযাপন করার! নিজেকে উদযাপন করা মানে তার মনকে উদযাপন করা; উদযাপন করা মানে তার ইচ্ছ��, আকাঙ্খা, রাগ-বিরাগের ঢেউয়ে ভাসা; উদযাপন করা মানে তার শ্যামলা শরীরের একান্ত চাহিদা ও যৌনতার অনুভুতিগুলিকে চিনতে শেখা; উদযাপন করা মানে তার হৃদয়ের সমস্ত স্বপ্নিল বিমূর্ত অনুভবকে তীক্ষ্ন মনের ভাবনার ছুরিতে ফালা ফালা করে কাটা! উদযাপনের জন্য নিজেকে নিরাবরন করতে, মেয়েটি তার ভালোবাসাকেও তাই নিরাবরন করা প্রয়োজন মনে করে! “This striptease isn't complete until I strip you too.” এই বই তাই ভালোবাসার এক নিরাবরন চর্চা!
Nancy Friday তার ‘My secret garden’ বইয়ের পাতায় পাতায় অসংখ্য নারীর Fantasy কে তুলে ধরেছেন। এই বইটি যেন তাদেরই একজনের ফ্যান্টাসির প্রলম্বিত তান। রোজালিনের লেখা, তার প্রথম এই বইয়ের ব্লার্বে, একে রোজালিনের ‘Erotic memoir’ বলা হয়েছে, যদিও বইটিকে কেউ ফ্যান্টাসি-ফিকশন বলেও মনে করতে পারেন। কারন, আমাদের একান্ত নিজেস্ব অভিজ্ঞতাটুকু বাদ দিয়ে, আর দুনিয়ার সমস্তটুকুই তো আসলে একরকম কল্পনা, ফিকশন! তাই রোজালিনের এই মেমোয়ার যদি আসলে একটি ক্রাফটেড ফিকশনও হয়, তাতে পাঠকের মনের আবেশ কিছুমাত্র হ্রাস পায় না!
এই বইয়ের অনেক যৌনতার, অনেক ঘনিষ্ঠতার মুহর্তকে শব্দের আলপনায় আঁকা হয়েছে। ফলে যারা যৌনতাকে নিষিদ্ধ বা ট্যাবু বলে মনে করেন, এ বই তাদের জন্য নয়। আবার যৌনতার প্রগাঢ় উপস্থিতি স্বত্ত্বেও বইটি কিছুতেই মিলস এন্ড বুনস সিরিজের মত বা ই এল জেমসের ‘ফিফটি শেডস্ এব গ্রে’ মত ধূসর, একঘেয়ে নিছক পর্ণ-বইয়ে (Porn) পরিনত হয়না কারন এখানে যৌনতাকে কেবল বর্ণনা করে ছেড়ে দেওয়া হয়নি। তাকে আঁকা হয়েছে, শব্দ দিয়ে, ভাবনা দিয়ে, অনুভুতি দিয়ে! এখানে ভালবাসা ও যৌনতা, চর্চা-আলোচনা-অনুভব ও অনুশীলনের বিষয়। আর যা কেবল অনুভবে ও অনুশীলনে প্রাপ্য, তাই একরকম শিল্পের উৎস! এখানে যৌনতার চর্চার সাথে ভোঁতা পর্ণের পার্থক্য বুঝতে ভ্যান গ্যঁখের সেই গল্পের উদাহরনই যথেষ্ট যেখানে তিনি তার আঁকা এক নগ্নিকার পায়ে একটি মোজা যোগ করে জনৈককে বুঝিয়ে দিয়েছিলেন ন্যুড আর্ট ও পর্ণের মধ্যের পার্থক্য কোথায়!
তবুও, ভালোবাসার এই বইটি কেবল তাদেরই জন্য যারা ভালবাসাকে অনুশীলনের যোগ্য মনে করেন। ভালবাসার বোধ আমাদের স্বভাবজাত হলেও, তার প্রকাশ অনুশীলন সাপেক্ষ! এটা মনে রাখতে হবে যে হৃদয় ছেনে প্রিয়তমকে ভালবাসা উপহার দেওয়ার আগে তাকে যথাযোগ্য করে সাজিয়েও দিতে হয়। এই সাজ, এই শৃঙ্গারের প্রস্তুতিতেই তাই বাৎস্যায়ন তার একমাত্র গ্রন্থটিতে ৬৪ কলার চর্চার নিদান দিয়েছেন। যারা ভালাবাসাকে মনে মনে একান্তে অনুভব করেন, যারা যৌনতাকে ওই ইংরাজি মতে ‘হোয়াম, ব্যাম, গুডবাই ম্যাম’ এর বাইরেও শব্দে, স্বাদে, সিক্ততা, ছোঁয়া ও সর্বোপরি কল্পনার মাধ্যমে আলাদা করে আস্বাদ করেন, রোজালিনের এই মেমোয়ার তাদের মনের ভাবনায় ভাষার স্রোতের মত! আমার মত অসংখ্য ভালবাসায় ভারাক্রান্ত হৃদয়ের নিজেস্ব শব্দকোষ এটি!
অপরিচিত এই বইয়ের সাথে আপনার পরিচয়ের এই অবসরে, সবশেষে, সকলকে আসন্ন ভালবাসার দিনের একরাশ শুভেচ্ছা! প্রেমের দিনের এই অজুহাত পারলে নুতন করে আপনার প্রেমকে অনুভব করুন, পারলে পুরাতন প্রেম আবার অনুশীলন করুন! আর যদি আমার মত রিক্তপ্রেমী হন, তবে হৃদয়ে যে প্রেম লালন করছেন, তাকেই না হয় সাজিয়ে তুলুন! হৃদয়টাও ত সুন্দর হবে!
[ A Handbook for my lover by Rosalyn D’Mello, Harper Collins, ₹ 499]
“*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”*”
মেয়েটি তখন তেইশ, আর পুরুষটি তখনই তিপান্ন!
মেয়েটি ইতি-উতি একটি চাকরি করে, আর পুরুষটি দুনিয়া ঘোরা এক চিত্রগ্রাহক!
মেয়েটি একটি বই লিখতে চায়; তাই সে তার প্রেম ও তার প্রেমিককেই বেছে নেয় তার বইয়ের বিষয় করে!
অথচ তাদের তো প্রেম হওয়ার কথা ছিল না। সম্পর্কটা হওয়ার কথা ছিল যে ‘ওয়ান নাইট স্টান্ড’ এর, হওয়ার কথা ছিল আরব্যরজনীর কেবল একটি গল্পের মত, হওয়ার কথাছিল দশ লাইনের একটি কবিতার মত! কিন্তু সেই একরাত কেমন করে বয়ে বয়ে, দিন পেরিয়ে, মাস পেরিয়ে, রয়ে গেল কয়েক বছরের ধরে! তাদের সামাজিক ব্যাকরণ বহির্ভূত ‘লিভ-ইন’ সম্পর্কের পরতে পরতে মিশে গেল ভালবাসা, যৌনতা, রাগ-বিরাগ, দিনযাপনের কিছু ক্লেদ ও ক্লেশ, আর অসংখ্য ভাবনা! দিনযাপনের সেই সব খন্ড খন্ড মুহুর্তচিত্রই ভাবনার রসে জারিয়ে তৈরী হয়েছে এই চিলতে বই!
এই বই শব্দের, এই বই ভাবনার, এই বই একটি মেয়ের নিজেকে উদযাপন করার! নিজেকে উদযাপন করা মানে তার মনকে উদযাপন করা; উদযাপন করা মানে তার ইচ্ছ��, আকাঙ্খা, রাগ-বিরাগের ঢেউয়ে ভাসা; উদযাপন করা মানে তার শ্যামলা শরীরের একান্ত চাহিদা ও যৌনতার অনুভুতিগুলিকে চিনতে শেখা; উদযাপন করা মানে তার হৃদয়ের সমস্ত স্বপ্নিল বিমূর্ত অনুভবকে তীক্ষ্ন মনের ভাবনার ছুরিতে ফালা ফালা করে কাটা! উদযাপনের জন্য নিজেকে নিরাবরন করতে, মেয়েটি তার ভালোবাসাকেও তাই নিরাবরন করা প্রয়োজন মনে করে! “This striptease isn't complete until I strip you too.” এই বই তাই ভালোবাসার এক নিরাবরন চর্চা!
Nancy Friday তার ‘My secret garden’ বইয়ের পাতায় পাতায় অসংখ্য নারীর Fantasy কে তুলে ধরেছেন। এই বইটি যেন তাদেরই একজনের ফ্যান্টাসির প্রলম্বিত তান। রোজালিনের লেখা, তার প্রথম এই বইয়ের ব্লার্বে, একে রোজালিনের ‘Erotic memoir’ বলা হয়েছে, যদিও বইটিকে কেউ ফ্যান্টাসি-ফিকশন বলেও মনে করতে পারেন। কারন, আমাদের একান্ত নিজেস্ব অভিজ্ঞতাটুকু বাদ দিয়ে, আর দুনিয়ার সমস্তটুকুই তো আসলে একরকম কল্পনা, ফিকশন! তাই রোজালিনের এই মেমোয়ার যদি আসলে একটি ক্রাফটেড ফিকশনও হয়, তাতে পাঠকের মনের আবেশ কিছুমাত্র হ্রাস পায় না!
এই বইয়ের অনেক যৌনতার, অনেক ঘনিষ্ঠতার মুহর্তকে শব্দের আলপনায় আঁকা হয়েছে। ফলে যারা যৌনতাকে নিষিদ্ধ বা ট্যাবু বলে মনে করেন, এ বই তাদের জন্য নয়। আবার যৌনতার প্রগাঢ় উপস্থিতি স্বত্ত্বেও বইটি কিছুতেই মিলস এন্ড বুনস সিরিজের মত বা ই এল জেমসের ‘ফিফটি শেডস্ এব গ্রে’ মত ধূসর, একঘেয়ে নিছক পর্ণ-বইয়ে (Porn) পরিনত হয়না কারন এখানে যৌনতাকে কেবল বর্ণনা করে ছেড়ে দেওয়া হয়নি। তাকে আঁকা হয়েছে, শব্দ দিয়ে, ভাবনা দিয়ে, অনুভুতি দিয়ে! এখানে ভালবাসা ও যৌনতা, চর্চা-আলোচনা-অনুভব ও অনুশীলনের বিষয়। আর যা কেবল অনুভবে ও অনুশীলনে প্রাপ্য, তাই একরকম শিল্পের উৎস! এখানে যৌনতার চর্চার সাথে ভোঁতা পর্ণের পার্থক্য বুঝতে ভ্যান গ্যঁখের সেই গল্পের উদাহরনই যথেষ্ট যেখানে তিনি তার আঁকা এক নগ্নিকার পায়ে একটি মোজা যোগ করে জনৈককে বুঝিয়ে দিয়েছিলেন ন্যুড আর্ট ও পর্ণের মধ্যের পার্থক্য কোথায়!
তবুও, ভালোবাসার এই বইটি কেবল তাদেরই জন্য যারা ভালবাসাকে অনুশীলনের যোগ্য মনে করেন। ভালবাসার বোধ আমাদের স্বভাবজাত হলেও, তার প্রকাশ অনুশীলন সাপেক্ষ! এটা মনে রাখতে হবে যে হৃদয় ছেনে প্রিয়তমকে ভালবাসা উপহার দেওয়ার আগে তাকে যথাযোগ্য করে সাজিয়েও দিতে হয়। এই সাজ, এই শৃঙ্গারের প্রস্তুতিতেই তাই বাৎস্যায়ন তার একমাত্র গ্রন্থটিতে ৬৪ কলার চর্চার নিদান দিয়েছেন। যারা ভালাবাসাকে মনে মনে একান্তে অনুভব করেন, যারা যৌনতাকে ওই ইংরাজি মতে ‘হোয়াম, ব্যাম, গুডবাই ম্যাম’ এর বাইরেও শব্দে, স্বাদে, সিক্ততা, ছোঁয়া ও সর্বোপরি কল্পনার মাধ্যমে আলাদা করে আস্বাদ করেন, রোজালিনের এই মেমোয়ার তাদের মনের ভাবনায় ভাষার স্রোতের মত! আমার মত অসংখ্য ভালবাসায় ভারাক্রান্ত হৃদয়ের নিজেস্ব শব্দকোষ এটি!
অপরিচিত এই বইয়ের সাথে আপনার পরিচয়ের এই অবসরে, সবশেষে, সকলকে আসন্ন ভালবাসার দিনের একরাশ শুভেচ্ছা! প্রেমের দিনের এই অজুহাত পারলে নুতন করে আপনার প্রেমকে অনুভব করুন, পারলে পুরাতন প্রেম আবার অনুশীলন করুন! আর যদি আমার মত রিক্তপ্রেমী হন, তবে হৃদয়ে যে প্রেম লালন করছেন, তাকেই না হয় সাজিয়ে তুলুন! হৃদয়টাও ত সুন্দর হবে!
January 19, 2016
It's easy to miss the fact that this book is a work of non-fiction, but this memoir -- a work of erotica -- is one of the most interesting literary experiments in Indian writing. The result is a work of exceptional honesty where Rosalyn lays bare the threads that held together six years of her unconventional -- and deeply intimate -- affair with a man thirty years older to her. Written in first person, 'A Handbook for my Lover' offers an experience like none other.
January 11, 2016
I was extremely keen to read this book - I saw it on a colleague's desk and knew I had to find it and ravish it. Which is what I think D'Mello has attempted to do with her words. Seduce the reader. I have to admit it did, to begin with, but then a couple of pages into the book I felt a little lost, a little confused and at times, a little bored. It is worth a read, it's raw and honest. At times you may find yourself wondering if honesty to this level really is a good thing, especially when you're reading a sort of memoir, but thoughts like those come and go.
I wouldn't say it's one of my favourites of the year - But it is something I would recommend someone to read if they're willing to explore something different. That being said, I'm glad I started my reading challenge with this one.
I wouldn't say it's one of my favourites of the year - But it is something I would recommend someone to read if they're willing to explore something different. That being said, I'm glad I started my reading challenge with this one.
January 10, 2016
A mature, brutally honest, deeply reflective, brave and bold memoir that will keep you turning the pages till the very end. It takes guts to put a lived and rich experience down in exquisite words that render the writer vulnerable to the prying eyes of the world.
December 16, 2024
Confiding names into single alphabets and wearing the identities of photographer and a young writer by day and lovers by night, the lover's tale is narrated by a monologue describing the intimacy, vulnerability and the moments that revel in an unconventional relationship.
It's an erotic memoir where the story begins with an eye for detail delving the tension between two lovers and explores how the writer falls in love with an old photographer, begans a journey with him, recounting her past tales and her current journey. Often she wonder how he seemed to end as a ten line poem in grand anthology of lovers but is more than that.
The writing is so lucid that I felt I'm reading a book of poetry. With a lot of references and quotes, this books seemed worth pondering on writing, memory and love making.
I loved these couple of lines here and there- "The economy of Tears. I have never faked a tear. Not for me the edifice of pretence." "Three minutes long. The length of a song." "We are all that we have lost. We are all that we are yet to lose."
There are also a lot of references on writing.
The author refers to Anais Nin's diaries mentioning about writing.
"The writer is the duelist who never fights at the stated hour, who gathers up an insult, like another curious object, a collector's item, spreads it out on his desk later, and then, engages in a duel with it verbally. Some people call it weakness. I call it postponement. What is weakness in the man becomes a quality of the writer.For he preserves, collects what will explode later in his work.That's why the writer is the loneliest man in the world, because he lives, fights, dies, is reborn always alone, all his roles are played behind a curtain. He is an incongruous figure."
Henry Miller's text on the act of writing-
"After all, most writing is done away from the typewriter, away from the desk. I'd say it occurs in the quiet, silent moments, while you're walking or shaving or playing a game or whatever, or even talking to someone you're not vitally interested in."
In author's word about the tussle between muse and lover-
"I used to be afraid that you were more muse than lover. I used to fear that my love for you wouldn't outlive your function as a character within these pages. Ever so often I would find myself apprehensive about my motives. Was I with you because I loved you? Or was I with you because you were my subject? Was I in love with you because you were a perfect muse? If so, then would i continue to be in love with you after I had committed you to writing? These were not permanent misgivings but passng afflictions, lapses in passion that I ouwld only articulate to myself in the quiet hours of night when I was home alone or struggling with sleep.
I would pick up this book to reread the poetic text. A good one.
It's an erotic memoir where the story begins with an eye for detail delving the tension between two lovers and explores how the writer falls in love with an old photographer, begans a journey with him, recounting her past tales and her current journey. Often she wonder how he seemed to end as a ten line poem in grand anthology of lovers but is more than that.
The writing is so lucid that I felt I'm reading a book of poetry. With a lot of references and quotes, this books seemed worth pondering on writing, memory and love making.
I loved these couple of lines here and there- "The economy of Tears. I have never faked a tear. Not for me the edifice of pretence." "Three minutes long. The length of a song." "We are all that we have lost. We are all that we are yet to lose."
There are also a lot of references on writing.
The author refers to Anais Nin's diaries mentioning about writing.
"The writer is the duelist who never fights at the stated hour, who gathers up an insult, like another curious object, a collector's item, spreads it out on his desk later, and then, engages in a duel with it verbally. Some people call it weakness. I call it postponement. What is weakness in the man becomes a quality of the writer.For he preserves, collects what will explode later in his work.That's why the writer is the loneliest man in the world, because he lives, fights, dies, is reborn always alone, all his roles are played behind a curtain. He is an incongruous figure."
Henry Miller's text on the act of writing-
"After all, most writing is done away from the typewriter, away from the desk. I'd say it occurs in the quiet, silent moments, while you're walking or shaving or playing a game or whatever, or even talking to someone you're not vitally interested in."
In author's word about the tussle between muse and lover-
"I used to be afraid that you were more muse than lover. I used to fear that my love for you wouldn't outlive your function as a character within these pages. Ever so often I would find myself apprehensive about my motives. Was I with you because I loved you? Or was I with you because you were my subject? Was I in love with you because you were a perfect muse? If so, then would i continue to be in love with you after I had committed you to writing? These were not permanent misgivings but passng afflictions, lapses in passion that I ouwld only articulate to myself in the quiet hours of night when I was home alone or struggling with sleep.
I would pick up this book to reread the poetic text. A good one.
February 17, 2020
There are some books that you love to read, and others that you're proud to have read. This book is both.
November 8, 2016
When you see the title of the book, and see that it is marketed as an "erotic memoir" you might think that it is one of those modern-day love stories with some racy scenes---good for a beach read.
While the book certainly does have a bit of that, it is surprisingly much more introspective about the most perplexing of human relationships - that between lovers. I liked how the author wrote about the everyday-ness of a relationship, simple things like what happens when your partner decides one day to make tea for you before you wake up, and how you come to expect that. Or the various sleeping positions during the course of a night. The things you fight about. How you make up. What it means ultimately to bind your day to day life with another person. I really enjoyed those moments in the book.
There were some irritating parts, like how the writer kept quoting other writers/philosophers and reflecting on how they viewed love. I also did not understand what it meant to write a "Handbook"--the book seemed more like a memoir of a relationship, instead of a handbook. In any case, these are minor issues, but I do think it is a good book to read for reflection on relationships, and makes one smile and think about the little things in ones own relationship that otherwise might seem banal.
While the book certainly does have a bit of that, it is surprisingly much more introspective about the most perplexing of human relationships - that between lovers. I liked how the author wrote about the everyday-ness of a relationship, simple things like what happens when your partner decides one day to make tea for you before you wake up, and how you come to expect that. Or the various sleeping positions during the course of a night. The things you fight about. How you make up. What it means ultimately to bind your day to day life with another person. I really enjoyed those moments in the book.
There were some irritating parts, like how the writer kept quoting other writers/philosophers and reflecting on how they viewed love. I also did not understand what it meant to write a "Handbook"--the book seemed more like a memoir of a relationship, instead of a handbook. In any case, these are minor issues, but I do think it is a good book to read for reflection on relationships, and makes one smile and think about the little things in ones own relationship that otherwise might seem banal.
January 4, 2016
Shines, in parts only.
August 1, 2020
“I wish I had never met you. You’ve been nothing but an inconvenience”
I picked up this book to break my flow of reading wonderful books and watching wonderful cinema, as to make favors with Law of Averages. But it turned out to be different. If it was a genre I preferred, I would have relished it even more but maybe reading about people’s personal life is not my thing. Having said that, I still rate this book on the higher side of 3.5 simply because the flair that the author has got for writing is just so classy. She is articulate, full of words and well read. Just that bit made this book readable for me, else would have had left it in the middle.
I picked up this book to break my flow of reading wonderful books and watching wonderful cinema, as to make favors with Law of Averages. But it turned out to be different. If it was a genre I preferred, I would have relished it even more but maybe reading about people’s personal life is not my thing. Having said that, I still rate this book on the higher side of 3.5 simply because the flair that the author has got for writing is just so classy. She is articulate, full of words and well read. Just that bit made this book readable for me, else would have had left it in the middle.
September 6, 2024
The exquisite prose in 'A Handbook for My Lover' can sometimes appear indulgent. The many detours can be distracting. Those are the times one needs to remind themselves that this is a handbook for the narrator's lover - and the reader is only an observer. A voyuer. From that vantage point, one gets to read a beautifully constructed memoir of an unconventional love story that both the narrator and the lover are struggling to wrap their head around. Rosalyn explores unfathomable depths in a lyrical and reflective narrative addressed to her lover, and in the process holds a mirror to not just them both, but to the reader too. A rare find, this book is a delight to read.
June 3, 2017
The book is an attempt to explain the complexity of the author's relationship with an older man, where they neither lived together nor intended to marry. They shared a very unconventional relationship, which existed despite logic, reason or convenience. The crux of their relationship was that they were both pursuing their individual artistic inclinations, and yet, had become integral to each other’s lives, pushing each other to excel, supporting each other and bringing out in each other the best versions of themselves.
A very progressive and brave attempt!
A very progressive and brave attempt!
October 28, 2019
Luscious, lusty, literary feast of a love affair set in India between two people with an age gap of 30 years.
It was eye opening and raw, a peek into a culture that often gets left out of sensual storytelling like this.
It was eye opening and raw, a peek into a culture that often gets left out of sensual storytelling like this.
March 14, 2019
Beautifully drafted.
Loved the epistolary style of prose. The author has very gracefully,yet boldly projected the desires and unsaid emotions of the protagonist. Kept me glued to the story for it's duration.
A striking draft,overall.
Loved the epistolary style of prose. The author has very gracefully,yet boldly projected the desires and unsaid emotions of the protagonist. Kept me glued to the story for it's duration.
A striking draft,overall.
August 15, 2024
I picked this book when someone recommended it on Twitter/X. The title Handbook for my lover piqued my interest and it turned out to be a beautiful, intimate and poetically written memoir, a handbook, a love letter and a page turner that I devoured, despite minor deviations.
It’s not your usual sugar coated romance! It’s a raw, erotic and honest experience of a young woman in love with her muse, a much older man and their unconventional love affair. I wonder how I would have perceived this book had I read it when I was younger.
It’s not your usual sugar coated romance! It’s a raw, erotic and honest experience of a young woman in love with her muse, a much older man and their unconventional love affair. I wonder how I would have perceived this book had I read it when I was younger.
February 23, 2017
The author uses some exquisite turns of phrase and has beautiful control of language. I enjoyed the sensuality infused in the language throughout the book, but ironically, found this absent from any of the scenes describing the relationship between the protagonist and her lover. And this is just one of a few problems I see with the book.
The first two-thirds, yes, do use some exquisite language, but the narrative feels a little forced in many places, the structure doesn’t seem to be a comfortable fit and one can feel the fumbled construction gone into places. Quotes from Western novelists and thinkers like Anne Carson, Henry Miller, Derrida, Barthes, de Botton and others seem like referential platforms to support the protagonist’s statements when they are not needed. It actually draws attention away from the narrative. A more confident writer would have realized her opinions didn’t need to be bolstered or referenced in this way. However, this is a first novel and a great debut - I'm hopeful that the author will only move from strength to strength gaining confidence as she goes along.
The packaging of the book is problematic. I read that it was an erotic memoir, placed in the non-fiction category. The narrative tries to be many things at once, when it just needs to be seamless and tell a story without revealing layers tacked together in haste. To me, the narrative was more about the powerplay in a relationship and the colours and descriptors around it were starting to get a little repetitive to the point where I actually wanted to give up reading it while I was already halfway through the book. I’m glad I pushed myself to the end, because there were some interesting thoughts about writing, memory and endings. But, this was more of a reader’s relief to find some greater redeeming qualities in the book than just the use of language.
If you are thinking about reading this book, just be aware that this really isn’t erotica. Instead, read it as a series of essays about the different facets of a relationship between a 23 year old woman and her 53 year old lover, and how the woman finds a muse in her lover. Then you'll probably be better satisfied than if you paid attention to the book’s packaging, as I did! :)
The first two-thirds, yes, do use some exquisite language, but the narrative feels a little forced in many places, the structure doesn’t seem to be a comfortable fit and one can feel the fumbled construction gone into places. Quotes from Western novelists and thinkers like Anne Carson, Henry Miller, Derrida, Barthes, de Botton and others seem like referential platforms to support the protagonist’s statements when they are not needed. It actually draws attention away from the narrative. A more confident writer would have realized her opinions didn’t need to be bolstered or referenced in this way. However, this is a first novel and a great debut - I'm hopeful that the author will only move from strength to strength gaining confidence as she goes along.
The packaging of the book is problematic. I read that it was an erotic memoir, placed in the non-fiction category. The narrative tries to be many things at once, when it just needs to be seamless and tell a story without revealing layers tacked together in haste. To me, the narrative was more about the powerplay in a relationship and the colours and descriptors around it were starting to get a little repetitive to the point where I actually wanted to give up reading it while I was already halfway through the book. I’m glad I pushed myself to the end, because there were some interesting thoughts about writing, memory and endings. But, this was more of a reader’s relief to find some greater redeeming qualities in the book than just the use of language.
If you are thinking about reading this book, just be aware that this really isn’t erotica. Instead, read it as a series of essays about the different facets of a relationship between a 23 year old woman and her 53 year old lover, and how the woman finds a muse in her lover. Then you'll probably be better satisfied than if you paid attention to the book’s packaging, as I did! :)
September 11, 2018
I have been dodging this book since the time it got published, for I was scared that it is going to be similar to yet another diabolical verbal stream that most Indian erotic writers are known for.
When I did finally hear decent reviews from fellow bibliophiles and when this was recommended by a couple of friends, I did decide to give this a try.
The crux is pretty much mundane. Girl loves an older man. Behaves voluntarily as an intelligent sub (not technically, but yeah). Committment issues from either sides. Etc. Etc. However, the author's writing just makes this ordinary take quite hypnotic, poignant, and relatable. She weaves magic with her words and emotions. If you have loved someone at least once, you would definitely relate to this book. The book takes you from pizza and wine nights to sex during menstruation. It opens up a pandora's box of issues related to relationships. And, what I like the best about this book: it's a bibliophiles' book, for it has way too many references/quotes from other books. She quotes about Miller's Plexus on how when you read a great passage, you close the book immediately for you want to relish it. This book had one too many such moments for me.
Most of you might have already read this, if not, I definitely would recommend this. Not that this book didn't have a dull moment at all. It did have a few dragging pages, but overall quite a worthy read. Also, this is not a chick-lit.
When I did finally hear decent reviews from fellow bibliophiles and when this was recommended by a couple of friends, I did decide to give this a try.
The crux is pretty much mundane. Girl loves an older man. Behaves voluntarily as an intelligent sub (not technically, but yeah). Committment issues from either sides. Etc. Etc. However, the author's writing just makes this ordinary take quite hypnotic, poignant, and relatable. She weaves magic with her words and emotions. If you have loved someone at least once, you would definitely relate to this book. The book takes you from pizza and wine nights to sex during menstruation. It opens up a pandora's box of issues related to relationships. And, what I like the best about this book: it's a bibliophiles' book, for it has way too many references/quotes from other books. She quotes about Miller's Plexus on how when you read a great passage, you close the book immediately for you want to relish it. This book had one too many such moments for me.
Most of you might have already read this, if not, I definitely would recommend this. Not that this book didn't have a dull moment at all. It did have a few dragging pages, but overall quite a worthy read. Also, this is not a chick-lit.
February 21, 2018
"You, too, were supposed to be a one-night stand. A quick fix. A conquest. A ten-line poem in my grand anthology of lovers."
.
A non-fiction biographical account, engrained with sensuality. Very poetically written, beautifully crafted phrases, and elegant use of language. Although classified as Non-fiction and Erotica, don't consider this book to be confined to just these two genres, it permeates flawlessly into other genres too. The way this book dealt with idea of love (which is one of the most complex and twisted phenomenon to analyse), is simply amazingly lucid.
This was my first read of 2018, and i couldn't think of any better way for a bibliophilic new year start.
This book is a work of art.
.
A non-fiction biographical account, engrained with sensuality. Very poetically written, beautifully crafted phrases, and elegant use of language. Although classified as Non-fiction and Erotica, don't consider this book to be confined to just these two genres, it permeates flawlessly into other genres too. The way this book dealt with idea of love (which is one of the most complex and twisted phenomenon to analyse), is simply amazingly lucid.
This was my first read of 2018, and i couldn't think of any better way for a bibliophilic new year start.
This book is a work of art.
March 19, 2023
Memoirs leave me conflicted. How do you rate someone's real-life experiences? Reading a memoir feels like a crime sometimes. Why am I getting the chance to have a glimpse of a person's most private moments?
'Handbook For My Lover' isn't really a handbook. It's an archive of memories. It's a documentation of an intense relationship between two people. It is highly erotic, but there is more to it. Anger, heartache, love, and healing — to name a few.
D'Mello is truly a wordsmith. Her prose pulls you in. It's calming yet intoxicating. It's raw and honest.
As a reader here, you are witnessing an account of a flawed relationship. You can easily label it as 'toxic', given the unequal power dynamics between the two. You could also call it 'boring' because there are philosophical and literary references you may not care for. You can call this 'unstructured' as it just flows from one experience to the other with no bigger plot. You get the idea.
But despite it all, you still continue reading. Maybe because you just want to know how it ends for them. Or does it actually?
Sure, each read page feels like an invasion of privacy, but you have to tell yourself that the author chose to publish it and you must treat it like any other literary piece.
But I'll go back to the earlier point. I still have no idea as to how one goes about reviewing such intimate writings. Someday, I'll figure it out.
P.S. I hope the author explores culinary writing because some of the food-related descriptions in this work were fantastic.
'Handbook For My Lover' isn't really a handbook. It's an archive of memories. It's a documentation of an intense relationship between two people. It is highly erotic, but there is more to it. Anger, heartache, love, and healing — to name a few.
D'Mello is truly a wordsmith. Her prose pulls you in. It's calming yet intoxicating. It's raw and honest.
As a reader here, you are witnessing an account of a flawed relationship. You can easily label it as 'toxic', given the unequal power dynamics between the two. You could also call it 'boring' because there are philosophical and literary references you may not care for. You can call this 'unstructured' as it just flows from one experience to the other with no bigger plot. You get the idea.
But despite it all, you still continue reading. Maybe because you just want to know how it ends for them. Or does it actually?
Sure, each read page feels like an invasion of privacy, but you have to tell yourself that the author chose to publish it and you must treat it like any other literary piece.
But I'll go back to the earlier point. I still have no idea as to how one goes about reviewing such intimate writings. Someday, I'll figure it out.
P.S. I hope the author explores culinary writing because some of the food-related descriptions in this work were fantastic.
July 30, 2023
“I think of the archaeologists from future generations who will excavate our remains.”
“The monstrous thing about memory is that it is involuntary, that try as we may, we cannot extinguish its potent ability to invade our present without any prior notice, it lurks within our subconscious like a beast that can strike at any given moment without our having to incite it, rendering us powerless against its assault.”
“A good reader, a major reader, an active and creative reader is a rereader.” Nabokov’s philosophy on reading inspired me to reread this book. The book that touched my heart and of course my fragile soul in the year 2020. I had no idea that I was starting a book which will be one of the most important books I read in 2020. I had no idea that the next 10 hours would be very heavy on my heart. Yes, I finished this book in 10 hours. I was unaware of the forthcoming symphony of the emotions. But for the second time, I decided to take it slow this time.
It’s crazy how we reread a book but we experience different emotions, it’s not the same book you read years ago. You are not the same person. And when you read it again, you read it like you are reading it for the first time. The only similarity is that you remember some fragments of the memory.
While reading this book I’ve realized how much I’ve grown over these three years. It still touched me, but this time, some other parts.
I guess I’ll read it again after three years…
“The monstrous thing about memory is that it is involuntary, that try as we may, we cannot extinguish its potent ability to invade our present without any prior notice, it lurks within our subconscious like a beast that can strike at any given moment without our having to incite it, rendering us powerless against its assault.”
“A good reader, a major reader, an active and creative reader is a rereader.” Nabokov’s philosophy on reading inspired me to reread this book. The book that touched my heart and of course my fragile soul in the year 2020. I had no idea that I was starting a book which will be one of the most important books I read in 2020. I had no idea that the next 10 hours would be very heavy on my heart. Yes, I finished this book in 10 hours. I was unaware of the forthcoming symphony of the emotions. But for the second time, I decided to take it slow this time.
It’s crazy how we reread a book but we experience different emotions, it’s not the same book you read years ago. You are not the same person. And when you read it again, you read it like you are reading it for the first time. The only similarity is that you remember some fragments of the memory.
While reading this book I’ve realized how much I’ve grown over these three years. It still touched me, but this time, some other parts.
I guess I’ll read it again after three years…
January 30, 2016
Somewhere towards the end, Rosalyn D'Mello shares an excerpt from Henry Miller's Plexus about the dynamics of reading and letting a thought take you for a walk while you chew on it. The author finds it 'serendipitous' to come across this particular page because of the way she connects to it... This part somehow acted as a reflection of a mirror in a mirror for me. Because while reading those lines, I had a sense of serendipity rising in me too.
This handbook is a beautiful book, both in body and soul... In between these pages is a ferocious exploration of untamed sexuality which is intelligent, erotic and emotional all at the same time. Rosalyn D'Mello's texts are deeply introspective as they are expressive. That's a high place to start for a debut author.
This handbook is a beautiful book, both in body and soul... In between these pages is a ferocious exploration of untamed sexuality which is intelligent, erotic and emotional all at the same time. Rosalyn D'Mello's texts are deeply introspective as they are expressive. That's a high place to start for a debut author.
September 17, 2019
Despite flashes of brilliance, the writing is repetitive and largely substandard. For a supposedly strong woman, the author has a surprisingly vanilla approach to sex, where almost every act involves the man taking control and the woman - the author herself - giving in. At least this was the case up to the point where I gave up reading. The descriptions of sex, as well as other things, aren't spectacular either.
September 4, 2018
This book is art. Period.
November 13, 2017
I procured this book from a heap of books at my bibliophile friend’s house as I felt intrigued by the book’s title and devoured it in a day. This book, declared by the author herself, as not a work of pure fiction, explores the complexities of an unconventional relationship between a 23 year old writer and a photographer who is 30 years older than her. Rosalyn D’Mello is a Delhi based art writer and author of a blog titled Cartographic dyslexia. A Handbook for my lover is her first book which was published in 2015.
The idea to document her love life dawned on her, following a casual phone conversation with her lover about her past lovers. It took her 6 long years to write the book and in that process she ‘dissected’ and examined her lover and their relationship. To observe and to be the subject of observation at the same time is a pretty difficult task to accomplish. Rosalyn D’Mello is quite successful in that attempt. I am surprised and glad that a relationship could survive such close scrutiny and exposure. Her language is intense and arousing, resulting in the book being labelled as erotica. The author wonders why there are no specific descriptions of various positions that can be adopted for sleeping together, compared to innumerable positions described for sex. In the chapter ‘The Poetics of sleep’ , she provides a vivid and poetic description of various sleep patterns they adopt. I feel the author has done justice by using all the various possibilities of language and words to explore and document an important part of her life experience. She should be appreciated for taking the lead in the narrative as we seldom get to read about the intricacies of a relationship and its inherent intense physicality from a woman’s perspective. I loved this book for its absolute clarity, lucid language and candid approach in dealing with love, which is one of the most complex phenomenon experienced by human beings.
The idea to document her love life dawned on her, following a casual phone conversation with her lover about her past lovers. It took her 6 long years to write the book and in that process she ‘dissected’ and examined her lover and their relationship. To observe and to be the subject of observation at the same time is a pretty difficult task to accomplish. Rosalyn D’Mello is quite successful in that attempt. I am surprised and glad that a relationship could survive such close scrutiny and exposure. Her language is intense and arousing, resulting in the book being labelled as erotica. The author wonders why there are no specific descriptions of various positions that can be adopted for sleeping together, compared to innumerable positions described for sex. In the chapter ‘The Poetics of sleep’ , she provides a vivid and poetic description of various sleep patterns they adopt. I feel the author has done justice by using all the various possibilities of language and words to explore and document an important part of her life experience. She should be appreciated for taking the lead in the narrative as we seldom get to read about the intricacies of a relationship and its inherent intense physicality from a woman’s perspective. I loved this book for its absolute clarity, lucid language and candid approach in dealing with love, which is one of the most complex phenomenon experienced by human beings.
December 15, 2019
The last time I got close to reading 100 pages a day, was when I read JM Coetzee's Disgrace.
🍁
Rosalyn D'Mello's A Handbook for My Lover drew me in through myriad ways. I don't want to categorise this work of love in a genre. It's a peep into a life, a novel, a love letter, a memoir, an impassioned expression, an exposition and much more. But as the narrator addresses it, so may it be- a handbook.
🍁
The story is narrated by a female writer besotted by her much older lover, who is a photographer by profession. These two artists archive the sweet and savoury moments together of this unlabeled relationship.
🍁
But the female perspective reigns and the intricacies and complexities of love and desire climaxing in the digital world are unraveled.
🍁
In between is the wisdom of several lovers/loves, writers and philosophers- quoted by the protagonist- from the dedication from Roland Barthes to passages from Alain de Botton, Henry Miller, Anaïs Nin, Jacques Derrida, Anne Carson, Kamala Das and Plato.
🍁
It reads almost as an intimate memoir, one to which you will relate, as it exposes the universal pathways of love, experienced by lovers and their subjects.
🍁
Read it if •You want to read something passionate and different •You wish to introduce yourself to Rosalyn's work •You wish to gift it to a lover •You want something profoundly touching and kindling on the subject of love and sex •You wish to find answers to some philosophical questions on love!
🍁
Rosalyn D'Mello's A Handbook for My Lover drew me in through myriad ways. I don't want to categorise this work of love in a genre. It's a peep into a life, a novel, a love letter, a memoir, an impassioned expression, an exposition and much more. But as the narrator addresses it, so may it be- a handbook.
🍁
The story is narrated by a female writer besotted by her much older lover, who is a photographer by profession. These two artists archive the sweet and savoury moments together of this unlabeled relationship.
🍁
But the female perspective reigns and the intricacies and complexities of love and desire climaxing in the digital world are unraveled.
🍁
In between is the wisdom of several lovers/loves, writers and philosophers- quoted by the protagonist- from the dedication from Roland Barthes to passages from Alain de Botton, Henry Miller, Anaïs Nin, Jacques Derrida, Anne Carson, Kamala Das and Plato.
🍁
It reads almost as an intimate memoir, one to which you will relate, as it exposes the universal pathways of love, experienced by lovers and their subjects.
🍁
Read it if •You want to read something passionate and different •You wish to introduce yourself to Rosalyn's work •You wish to gift it to a lover •You want something profoundly touching and kindling on the subject of love and sex •You wish to find answers to some philosophical questions on love!
September 7, 2022
The reason I picked this book was that it involved a photographer and a writer, in a complex romantic setup. Safe to say that somewhere I too could relate to the setting.
But I wasn’t prepared for what pandora box this book opened for me. Every emotion, every object in the house and daily chores, the author @rosad1985 engraved with her thirsty words.
📖 Nominated for @forbes best emerging #ArtWriter award 2014, shortlisted for Prudential Eye Art Award for best writing on Asian Contemporary Art 2014, #AHandbookForMyLover is her first book, cataloging her obsession and intense feelings for her lover, a renowned photographer.
Some articles alleged that it’s @pablobartholomew, who is 30 years older to her and had a major role to play in her awakening as a person and as a writer. After a point, this book wrote itself.
🍁 7 years into the relationship and the ups and downs of dealing with each other’s profession, insecurities, sleeping patterns, eating patterns, sexual preferences and finding a home in another person, @rosad1985 was quite brave to pen it all down, without knowing the ending.
✍️ I took my own sweet time to absorb each chapter. And every reference she made about another author, made me aware of how the smallest act of waking up can become a chapter in itself.
♥️“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are so dangerously close to wanting nothing.”♥️
But I wasn’t prepared for what pandora box this book opened for me. Every emotion, every object in the house and daily chores, the author @rosad1985 engraved with her thirsty words.
📖 Nominated for @forbes best emerging #ArtWriter award 2014, shortlisted for Prudential Eye Art Award for best writing on Asian Contemporary Art 2014, #AHandbookForMyLover is her first book, cataloging her obsession and intense feelings for her lover, a renowned photographer.
Some articles alleged that it’s @pablobartholomew, who is 30 years older to her and had a major role to play in her awakening as a person and as a writer. After a point, this book wrote itself.
🍁 7 years into the relationship and the ups and downs of dealing with each other’s profession, insecurities, sleeping patterns, eating patterns, sexual preferences and finding a home in another person, @rosad1985 was quite brave to pen it all down, without knowing the ending.
✍️ I took my own sweet time to absorb each chapter. And every reference she made about another author, made me aware of how the smallest act of waking up can become a chapter in itself.
♥️“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are so dangerously close to wanting nothing.”♥️
February 17, 2025
This one got me thinking a lot. Anything that is real and is unusual, or unique, challenges me to think over. It's not a love story, it's a journey of a woman, a rebellion, independent woman surrendering to something, and making it work. There are not lot many women who are independent, and certainly very few who are independent but surrender, definitely in this way. Because independence is standing for yourself, against the world, against even yourself, if you're the one smothering your true self who wants to shine. Forget even shine, just breathe, but for you, not for others.
A lot many things scattered here, on the table, right from the delicious food, wine, tea, cheese to the tickets to Paris, Mumbai, Delhi, Chennai, Coimbatore. A camera, with lenses ready, and A moleskin diary with fine nib. Satiated senses, in every way. But also heartbreaks, and bumps, and reconciliations. Most of all uncertainty -of time (age), decisions, lifetime, relationship, social labeling, attachments, shredded social norms, an in-progress book without end. A ruptured career, and unclear vision of a passionate youth. To keep the table not too crowded to tumble things down. What a table! And 6+ years. I can't imagine but sure it worked out well. And wait, all those books on the table - Miller, Pamuk, Satre, Kamla Das, and so many... I am glad to be able to peep into this private room and get a glimpse of such intimate private collection. Where are the photographs, by the way?
A lot many things scattered here, on the table, right from the delicious food, wine, tea, cheese to the tickets to Paris, Mumbai, Delhi, Chennai, Coimbatore. A camera, with lenses ready, and A moleskin diary with fine nib. Satiated senses, in every way. But also heartbreaks, and bumps, and reconciliations. Most of all uncertainty -of time (age), decisions, lifetime, relationship, social labeling, attachments, shredded social norms, an in-progress book without end. A ruptured career, and unclear vision of a passionate youth. To keep the table not too crowded to tumble things down. What a table! And 6+ years. I can't imagine but sure it worked out well. And wait, all those books on the table - Miller, Pamuk, Satre, Kamla Das, and so many... I am glad to be able to peep into this private room and get a glimpse of such intimate private collection. Where are the photographs, by the way?
July 10, 2017
A H A N D B O O K F O R M Y L O V E R A Handbook for my Lover is written by an Indian writer Rosalyn D'Mello and it is her debut book. It is an epistolary documenting her unconventional affair between her and her older Lover who is twice her age, a photographer.
It is written exquisitely in a manner that evokes your emotions and tests your vulnerability within the intimacies of love and lovemaking as you immerse yourself with what she is experiencing while she writes. "How do I arrive at my truth? How many layers must I undo until you can finally touch my core? Where must I begin?
Perhaps the truth lies scattered across these pages, coded between words. You must discover it for yourself.
Because interspersed with my truth is your truth.
This striptease isn't complete until I strip you too."
She takes the reader to her own closet making them believe what they see and she makes sure that what she narrates lingers on us longer than we anticipated.
From the moment you opened this book you will be painted with a ballast of flamboyant words that cuts you deep rendering you helpless to put it down for any moment but wanting more to sit down listening to what she has to say about her intimacy with her lover. The artistry with which she strips the readers while she strips is right on the money.
It is written exquisitely in a manner that evokes your emotions and tests your vulnerability within the intimacies of love and lovemaking as you immerse yourself with what she is experiencing while she writes. "How do I arrive at my truth? How many layers must I undo until you can finally touch my core? Where must I begin?
Perhaps the truth lies scattered across these pages, coded between words. You must discover it for yourself.
Because interspersed with my truth is your truth.
This striptease isn't complete until I strip you too."
She takes the reader to her own closet making them believe what they see and she makes sure that what she narrates lingers on us longer than we anticipated.
From the moment you opened this book you will be painted with a ballast of flamboyant words that cuts you deep rendering you helpless to put it down for any moment but wanting more to sit down listening to what she has to say about her intimacy with her lover. The artistry with which she strips the readers while she strips is right on the money.
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