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Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
Seu parceiro parece frio ou insensível com seus sentimentos ou os de outras pessoas? Fica com muita raiva de repente — e normalmente de forma desproporcional à situação? Com frequência questiona ou duvida de você a ponto de você achar que "está enlouquecendo"?
Se você respondeu "sim" para essas questões, é bem possível que esteja se relacionando com uma pessoa com transtorno de personalidade narcisista. E é importante saber que esse relacionamento pode trazer danos para sua saúde física e mental. Será que chegou a hora de terminar essa relação? Ou você ainda gostaria de tentar pouco um mais?
Em Como superar um relacionamento com uma pessoa narcisista, a psicóloga Ramani Durvasula ensina como reconhecer uma pessoa narcisista e oferece orientações sobre como lidar com situações difíceis no convívio.
Se você respondeu "sim" para essas questões, é bem possível que esteja se relacionando com uma pessoa com transtorno de personalidade narcisista. E é importante saber que esse relacionamento pode trazer danos para sua saúde física e mental. Será que chegou a hora de terminar essa relação? Ou você ainda gostaria de tentar pouco um mais?
Em Como superar um relacionamento com uma pessoa narcisista, a psicóloga Ramani Durvasula ensina como reconhecer uma pessoa narcisista e oferece orientações sobre como lidar com situações difíceis no convívio.
289 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 24, 2015
1129 people are currently reading
5285 people want to read
About the author
Ramani Durvasula
12 books1,207 followersDr. Ramani Durvasula is on a mission to demystify and dismantle the toxic influence of narcissism on all of our lives. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks, CA and Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, where she was named Outstanding Professor in 2012. She is also a Visiting Professor at the University of Johannesburg.
She is the author of the modern relationship survival manual Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist (Post Hill Press) She is also the author of You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life, as well as the author of numerous peer reviewed journal articles, book chapters and conference papers. In September 2019, her overview book on narcissism in our world, our hearts, homes, and workplaces entitled DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility will be released.
Dr. Ramani received her B.S. in Psychology from the University of Connecticut, and her MA and Ph.D. degrees in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.
She brings a wealth of expertise in relationships, sexuality, health and wellness. Dr. Ramani was the co-host of Oxygen’s series My Shopping Addiction, and has also been featured on series on Bravo, the Lifetime Movie Network, National Geographic, the History Channel, Discovery Science, and Investigation Discovery as well as in documentary films on health and narcissism. She has been a featured commentator on nearly every major television network, as well as radio, print, and internet media.
Dr. Ramani is also involved in national governance in the field of psychology and has served as the chair of the Committee on Socioeconomic Status at the American Psychological Association and is presently chair of the Advisory Board of the Minority Fellowship Program of the American Psychological Association.
Dr. Ramani recognizes that narcissism and technology have changed the landscape of love and relationships and provides keen insights on how to survive in the new territory of love and commitment.
She is the author of the modern relationship survival manual Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist (Post Hill Press) She is also the author of You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life, as well as the author of numerous peer reviewed journal articles, book chapters and conference papers. In September 2019, her overview book on narcissism in our world, our hearts, homes, and workplaces entitled DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility will be released.
Dr. Ramani received her B.S. in Psychology from the University of Connecticut, and her MA and Ph.D. degrees in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.
She brings a wealth of expertise in relationships, sexuality, health and wellness. Dr. Ramani was the co-host of Oxygen’s series My Shopping Addiction, and has also been featured on series on Bravo, the Lifetime Movie Network, National Geographic, the History Channel, Discovery Science, and Investigation Discovery as well as in documentary films on health and narcissism. She has been a featured commentator on nearly every major television network, as well as radio, print, and internet media.
Dr. Ramani is also involved in national governance in the field of psychology and has served as the chair of the Committee on Socioeconomic Status at the American Psychological Association and is presently chair of the Advisory Board of the Minority Fellowship Program of the American Psychological Association.
Dr. Ramani recognizes that narcissism and technology have changed the landscape of love and relationships and provides keen insights on how to survive in the new territory of love and commitment.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 197 reviews
March 8, 2020
This is probably one of the most important books I've ever read/will ever read, and I am going to get a little personal here because I do believe this is important enough to share and could help someone else.
Emotional/psychological abuse is real, and it’s incredibly hurtful and damaging, possibly even more so than other forms of abuse because it’s so pernicious and difficult to recognize, especially when perpetrated by highly manipulative and intelligent people that are entitled and lacking in empathy. You bear the scars inside of you while having no proof to show for them. It kills you from the inside out while you are clueless to what is happening and made to question your sanity and worth every step of the way long after having been sucked in. I’ve been unfortunate enough to experience this type of abusive relationship twice in the past two years and to temporarily lose a part of myself in the aftermath of each one. Reading this book is a part of my healing journey and an effort to immunize myself against becoming entrapped in such relationships ever again. I don’t know if that is realistic, but it is certainly a step in the right direction.
If you are or have ever been in any type of relationship where something feels off, where you’re constantly walking on eggshells and only existing to validate, please, and give attention to the other person, then this book might be eye-opening, insightful, and even lifesaving. To paraphrase Dr. Ramani, unlike the story, the beast won’t change into a prince, and there’s no special place in heaven for trying to rescue abusive people, who in all likelihood are never going to change.
Today is a great day to start valuing and taking care of ourselves.
Emotional/psychological abuse is real, and it’s incredibly hurtful and damaging, possibly even more so than other forms of abuse because it’s so pernicious and difficult to recognize, especially when perpetrated by highly manipulative and intelligent people that are entitled and lacking in empathy. You bear the scars inside of you while having no proof to show for them. It kills you from the inside out while you are clueless to what is happening and made to question your sanity and worth every step of the way long after having been sucked in. I’ve been unfortunate enough to experience this type of abusive relationship twice in the past two years and to temporarily lose a part of myself in the aftermath of each one. Reading this book is a part of my healing journey and an effort to immunize myself against becoming entrapped in such relationships ever again. I don’t know if that is realistic, but it is certainly a step in the right direction.
If you are or have ever been in any type of relationship where something feels off, where you’re constantly walking on eggshells and only existing to validate, please, and give attention to the other person, then this book might be eye-opening, insightful, and even lifesaving. To paraphrase Dr. Ramani, unlike the story, the beast won’t change into a prince, and there’s no special place in heaven for trying to rescue abusive people, who in all likelihood are never going to change.
Today is a great day to start valuing and taking care of ourselves.
February 24, 2016
The only thing I didn't like about this book was the title. It was not about whether you should stay or leave a relationship with a narcissist. Rather it was about the signs of a narcissistic personality, understanding what motivates a narcissist and the effects on those who are in a relationship with one. The author recognizes that it may take some time and adjustment to gain the strength and motivation to leave the relationship. Therefore she does offer some tips on how to minimize additional damage to self esteem and spirit while still engaging with a narcissist. However, that is only one portion of the book. I can't review the book as someone in the throes of such a relationship as my relationship ended a while ago. I'm healthy and almost fully recovered now. The book was easy to read and while she was blunt about the reality of the situation, the author also exercised a tone of understanding and empathy while also encouraging accountability for one's own personal self care/health. It was a practical and empowering read. The book focused primarily on romantic or family relationships with a narcissist, rather than neighbors or co-workers. For someone who may suspect they are involved or have been involved with a narcissist, it is also helpful and hopeful to find that what you have gone through or are going through is not unique to you.
November 13, 2018
This no-nonsense book is a lifesaver. I've been listening to Dr. Ramani all over the Internet (I highly recommend her podcast "Sexual disOrientation"). She's a very eloquent woman and it shows in her writing. Also, she's an expert in her field of clinical psychology. After spending nine years with narcs, I was finally heard and talked to (as opposed to "talked at").
The book will help you identify narcissists and it even gives different categories. For example, narcs that I've been with are not your typical narcissists, so it took me a really long time to figure out what was up. Incidentally, they both claimed depression and the book does in fact write that this type of narcs could be misdiagnosed with depression.
In the core of the book, Dr. Ramani breaks down everything that has happened in a relationship with a narc and everything that will happen should you stay. She gives practical advice on how to conduct yourself if you stay and what to expect should you leave. It is a very pragmatic book that at times sounds like come to Jesus. However, anyone who has ever been destroyed by a narc wishes there had been someone who would have taken them by the shoulders and made them see the reality and helped them get out before it was too late. I know I do. Alas, I was blinded and my story is a cautionary tale now, which is why I can vouch for this book.
The main idea of the book, narcs won't change so you have to get on with the program, is reinforced in every chapter. It is harsh but that one simple sentence will change your perspective on your relationship and will save your life.
This book is brilliant and easy to read. I highly recommend it to anyone in an unfulfilling relationship where it feels like you're never good enough and everything is your fault.
The book will help you identify narcissists and it even gives different categories. For example, narcs that I've been with are not your typical narcissists, so it took me a really long time to figure out what was up. Incidentally, they both claimed depression and the book does in fact write that this type of narcs could be misdiagnosed with depression.
In the core of the book, Dr. Ramani breaks down everything that has happened in a relationship with a narc and everything that will happen should you stay. She gives practical advice on how to conduct yourself if you stay and what to expect should you leave. It is a very pragmatic book that at times sounds like come to Jesus. However, anyone who has ever been destroyed by a narc wishes there had been someone who would have taken them by the shoulders and made them see the reality and helped them get out before it was too late. I know I do. Alas, I was blinded and my story is a cautionary tale now, which is why I can vouch for this book.
The main idea of the book, narcs won't change so you have to get on with the program, is reinforced in every chapter. It is harsh but that one simple sentence will change your perspective on your relationship and will save your life.
This book is brilliant and easy to read. I highly recommend it to anyone in an unfulfilling relationship where it feels like you're never good enough and everything is your fault.
September 30, 2018
Durvasula does what most mental health care professionals aren’t doing right now: having a real discussion about the narcissism epidemic and its consequences on society and everyday personal relationships. This book throws down some harrowing but true statistics, and implores people to wake up to the societal plague we are currently facing. It also functions partially as a guideline for how to deal with narcissism in a relationship, and gives advice on how to move past the often painful consequences of being involved with someone who exhibits these traits.
April 4, 2018
A MUST read if you've been/are in in a relationship w/ a narcissist or even if you haven't, just so you know what to look for so you can RUN!! Great practical information to help you spot one in the beginning so you can make an informed decision about what to do before you commit to one AND practical tips for how to take care of yourself if you, for whatever reason, decide to stay.
I'd say this is really helpful for dealing w/ 3 of the 4 types of narcissists and kinda helpful for the 4th kind, which is what's been called shy/introverted/vulnerable/covert narcissist. I was hoping it would have more info on that since my last relationship was w/ a vulnerable narcissist and I'm seeking more info on how to identify these types but from what I've read thus far, they are quite hard to spot until quite a bit later into the relationship as you keep observing the patterns of behavior. I did just reach out to the author though and she responded w/ a few other options for reading about these types of narcissists from the works of Dr. Elsa Ronningstam and also Dr. Craig Malkin, who wrote Rethinking Narcissism.
I'd def recommend this book though. In my search it's been hard to find books not riddled w/ bitterness due to past relationships, which over shadows any actual info the person may be presenting. Dr. Durvasula did a wonderful job of that, even w/ her own past experiences.
I'd say this is really helpful for dealing w/ 3 of the 4 types of narcissists and kinda helpful for the 4th kind, which is what's been called shy/introverted/vulnerable/covert narcissist. I was hoping it would have more info on that since my last relationship was w/ a vulnerable narcissist and I'm seeking more info on how to identify these types but from what I've read thus far, they are quite hard to spot until quite a bit later into the relationship as you keep observing the patterns of behavior. I did just reach out to the author though and she responded w/ a few other options for reading about these types of narcissists from the works of Dr. Elsa Ronningstam and also Dr. Craig Malkin, who wrote Rethinking Narcissism.
I'd def recommend this book though. In my search it's been hard to find books not riddled w/ bitterness due to past relationships, which over shadows any actual info the person may be presenting. Dr. Durvasula did a wonderful job of that, even w/ her own past experiences.
May 15, 2023
Šī grāmata ir pamācība - par to, kā palikt attiecībās. Vai - kā no tām aiziet. Kā pieņemt otru cilvēku, vai gluži pretēji - ja tas mums sagādā sāpes - aiziet.
Dienas beigās - ir tikai viens cilvēks, ar kuru attiecības ir īpaši svarīgas, noturīgas visa mūža garumā - katram pašam ar sevi. Šī grāmata ir labs padomdevējs, kā nedarīt pāri sevi un neļaut to darīt citiem.
Dienas beigās - ir tikai viens cilvēks, ar kuru attiecības ir īpaši svarīgas, noturīgas visa mūža garumā - katram pašam ar sevi. Šī grāmata ir labs padomdevējs, kā nedarīt pāri sevi un neļaut to darīt citiem.
July 31, 2020
This book was recommended by my mental health therapist.
Dr. Ramani is doing great by writing such self help books:)
Dr. Ramani is doing great by writing such self help books:)
July 9, 2024
It is really a survival guide! I highly recommend this book.
June 1, 2021
En este libro de la doctora Ramani Durvasula - reconocida especialista en narcisismo y con un interesante canal de Youtube - encontrarás, no sólo una guía sobre relaciones afectivas, sino además una descripción técnica de cada uno de los trastornos de la personalidad más comunes que podrías observar en tu pareja... y ¡en ti mismo! El libro analiza las fases de enamoramiento, convivencia y separación de una relación. Si detectas que algo no funciona en tu historia de amor, te ayuda a tomar una decisión - ¿sigo o no con mi pareja? El libro señala diferentes "banderas rojas", que nos alertarían de futuribles abusos por parte de nuestra pareja. Los posos del desamor son amargos, crean heridas y resultan difíciles de digerir, así que es mejor estar preparados.
Es uno de esos libros que pueden superar tus expectativas. Si esperas respuestas sobre tu relación actual, puede que te encuentres ante un espejo de tu propia alma, y termines descubriendo tus propios demonios. Es la belleza de este libro, te ayuda a conocerte a ti mismo. ¿Cómo? llegando hasta los más oscuros rincones de tu ser y revelando tu verdadera identidad - con sus luces y sombras - mediante la descripción detallada de los principales trastornos del comportamiento. Todos presentamos rasgos narcisistas en mayor o menor medida. Podrás descubrir algunos de los que quizás no eras consciente y que probablemente te perjudicaron en el pasado: ser descuidado, falto de energía, falta de firmeza, comunicación defectuosa, etc.
Tras una reflexión madura sobre nuestras historias afectivas, caemos en la cuenta de que también nosotros hemos podido ser responsables de los fracasos. La autora nos ayudará a no castigarnos por ello y perdonarnos a nosotros mismos. Además, podrás sentirte identificado y ver reflejadas algunas de tus relaciones con una precisión asombrosa - por ejemplo, esos patéticos emails de rabia e impotencia, dirigidos a tu pareja tras romperse la relación. Ver que tu experiencia ha sido compartida por otros, alivia la pena. Así que tienes también en este libro una píldora medicinal. Además el libro da pautas para mejorar tu comunicación afectiva, enseñándote a ser asertivo con tu pareja narcisista. No es bueno dialogar con el diablo, es mucho más listo que nosotros y siempre saldremos perdiendo.
Es un libro estrictamente científico. La autora apenas menciona la religión en sus páginas, pero como creyente, no he podido evitar mirarlo desde una perspectiva espiritual. Leyéndolo me ha venido a la cabeza el episodio bíblico del endemoniado de Gerasa (Mc 5, 1-20) Es un pasaje representativo de lo que hoy los psiquiatras denominarían "trastorno de la personalidad". Aquel hombre de Gerasa vivía apartado entre "sepulcros y montes", siendo una clara prueba de cómo nuestros demonios nos aíslan de los demás. Como dice la autora en este libro: vulnerabilidad, descuido, indecisión, distanciamiento - pueden ser demonios a combatir si realmente queremos construir una relación sana. Probablemente fueron algunos de los demonios de aquel hombre de Gerasa, cuyo espíritu se autodenominó "Legión" - porque eran muchos (Mc 5:9) Como apuntaba San Jerónimo (Commentarium in Marcum 2) el cuerpo de aquel hombre de Gerasa era la morada de Dios - y los demonios unos "ocupas" - y Cristo reclamó poder habitar en su casa (Apocalipsis 3:20) La doctora Durvasula nos describe al detalle, en este libro práctico y sin ambages, la pinta de esos demonios. La fe nos revela que son una entidad personal, pero no visten de Prada, ni son de piel roja, ni tienen cuernos, ni rabo, ni portan un tridente en la mano.
Es uno de esos libros que pueden superar tus expectativas. Si esperas respuestas sobre tu relación actual, puede que te encuentres ante un espejo de tu propia alma, y termines descubriendo tus propios demonios. Es la belleza de este libro, te ayuda a conocerte a ti mismo. ¿Cómo? llegando hasta los más oscuros rincones de tu ser y revelando tu verdadera identidad - con sus luces y sombras - mediante la descripción detallada de los principales trastornos del comportamiento. Todos presentamos rasgos narcisistas en mayor o menor medida. Podrás descubrir algunos de los que quizás no eras consciente y que probablemente te perjudicaron en el pasado: ser descuidado, falto de energía, falta de firmeza, comunicación defectuosa, etc.
Tras una reflexión madura sobre nuestras historias afectivas, caemos en la cuenta de que también nosotros hemos podido ser responsables de los fracasos. La autora nos ayudará a no castigarnos por ello y perdonarnos a nosotros mismos. Además, podrás sentirte identificado y ver reflejadas algunas de tus relaciones con una precisión asombrosa - por ejemplo, esos patéticos emails de rabia e impotencia, dirigidos a tu pareja tras romperse la relación. Ver que tu experiencia ha sido compartida por otros, alivia la pena. Así que tienes también en este libro una píldora medicinal. Además el libro da pautas para mejorar tu comunicación afectiva, enseñándote a ser asertivo con tu pareja narcisista. No es bueno dialogar con el diablo, es mucho más listo que nosotros y siempre saldremos perdiendo.
Es un libro estrictamente científico. La autora apenas menciona la religión en sus páginas, pero como creyente, no he podido evitar mirarlo desde una perspectiva espiritual. Leyéndolo me ha venido a la cabeza el episodio bíblico del endemoniado de Gerasa (Mc 5, 1-20) Es un pasaje representativo de lo que hoy los psiquiatras denominarían "trastorno de la personalidad". Aquel hombre de Gerasa vivía apartado entre "sepulcros y montes", siendo una clara prueba de cómo nuestros demonios nos aíslan de los demás. Como dice la autora en este libro: vulnerabilidad, descuido, indecisión, distanciamiento - pueden ser demonios a combatir si realmente queremos construir una relación sana. Probablemente fueron algunos de los demonios de aquel hombre de Gerasa, cuyo espíritu se autodenominó "Legión" - porque eran muchos (Mc 5:9) Como apuntaba San Jerónimo (Commentarium in Marcum 2) el cuerpo de aquel hombre de Gerasa era la morada de Dios - y los demonios unos "ocupas" - y Cristo reclamó poder habitar en su casa (Apocalipsis 3:20) La doctora Durvasula nos describe al detalle, en este libro práctico y sin ambages, la pinta de esos demonios. La fe nos revela que son una entidad personal, pero no visten de Prada, ni son de piel roja, ni tienen cuernos, ni rabo, ni portan un tridente en la mano.
April 26, 2021
This is an absolute must read if you identify with feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness and confusion (self doubt) in a relationship.
You don't know what you don't know!
I had no idea why i felt that way...
Why I went to bed each night feeling like failure for never being able to make my partner happy, and why i woke each morning with fear of failure.
Every step i took in my life was on raiser stones and brittle egg shells, either to be cut or fear to tread.
This book saved my life.
Dr Ramini explained to me, they effects of gaslight and manipulation. The book is a lifeline to those who are sinking in an abyss of despair...
If you require a light to guide you to understanding the spiritual melancholy of being in a narcassist relationship, this is it.
You don't know what you don't know!
I had no idea why i felt that way...
Why I went to bed each night feeling like failure for never being able to make my partner happy, and why i woke each morning with fear of failure.
Every step i took in my life was on raiser stones and brittle egg shells, either to be cut or fear to tread.
This book saved my life.
Dr Ramini explained to me, they effects of gaslight and manipulation. The book is a lifeline to those who are sinking in an abyss of despair...
If you require a light to guide you to understanding the spiritual melancholy of being in a narcassist relationship, this is it.
September 18, 2018
Я мечтаю о том, чтобы эту книгу как можно скорее перевели на русский и включили в обязательную школьную программу. Чтобы она была в каждой библиотеке и в каждом доме, где соседствовала бы на книжной полке с собранием сочинений Пушкина и «Энциклопедией по выживанию».
Это — энциклопедия по выживанию с нарциссистами. В ней очень подробно и ясно объяняется, что такое нарциссизм, как он влияет на окружающих и что с этим делать. Во время чтения меня не отпускало ощущение узнавания: огромная часть описанных ситуаций как будто взята из моих воспоминаний. Книга помогла мне соединить точки и увидеть полную картину.
Раньше мне казалось, что вокруг сплошь нарциссисты и что я сама не исключение, но по мере чтения я поняла, что хоть нарциссические черты действительно есть у всех нас, в целые паттерны поведения они складываются только у некоторых. Сейчас я ясно вижу, кто именно из моих родственников и друзей нарциссист. Их немного, но они есть и их влияние на мою жизнь, характер и самочувствие мне только предстоит оценить в полной степени. Шансы таковы, что скорее всего нарциссисты есть и среди ваших близких людей. Поэтому очень советую обратить внимание на эту книгу, она правда отличная.
Это — энциклопедия по выживанию с нарциссистами. В ней очень подробно и ясно объяняется, что такое нарциссизм, как он влияет на окружающих и что с этим делать. Во время чтения меня не отпускало ощущение узнавания: огромная часть описанных ситуаций как будто взята из моих воспоминаний. Книга помогла мне соединить точки и увидеть полную картину.
Раньше мне казалось, что вокруг сплошь нарциссисты и что я сама не исключение, но по мере чтения я поняла, что хоть нарциссические черты действительно есть у всех нас, в целые паттерны поведения они складываются только у некоторых. Сейчас я ясно вижу, кто именно из моих родственников и друзей нарциссист. Их немного, но они есть и их влияние на мою жизнь, характер и самочувствие мне только предстоит оценить в полной степени. Шансы таковы, что скорее всего нарциссисты есть и среди ваших близких людей. Поэтому очень советую обратить внимание на эту книгу, она правда отличная.
October 8, 2022
This book was like medicine to my soul! It is not my partner but my sister that I had suspected being a narcissist. Reading this book I feel certain. It is uncanny how accurate both the characteristics, behaviors and mentioned examples are. Also the descriptions of how the person in a relationship with a narcissist reacts gave me chills. This is me, I do that! This book gave me so much recognition and healing! It made me feel less alone, seen, heard, accepted. It made it clear once again that I am not crazy, that I am worthy, that I am enough. I do not have to put up with this any longer.
This book healed me in ways I cannot put into words. It helped me find the closure I could not ( and probably will never) find with my sister.
I can recommend this to anyone in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with a narcissist!
This book healed me in ways I cannot put into words. It helped me find the closure I could not ( and probably will never) find with my sister.
I can recommend this to anyone in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with a narcissist!
September 9, 2018
Not a review... Just a disclaimer. I am not in a relationship with a narcissist! I would hate for anyone to think that about my beloved partner. I read this book because I believe I was in a relationship with a narcissist in the past. This book helped me understand and clarify that whole experience.
October 22, 2023
Izcila grāmata, ja neskaita gramatikas kļūdas. Manuprāt, katram no mums dzīvē ir nācies vai nāksies sastapties ar narcisu, tādēļ šī grāmata kā lukturītis tumsā izgaismo narcisa spilgtākās īpašības un ievainojamās vietas.
February 5, 2025
This doctor makes this psychology easily navigable by lay folks just trying to avoid the nonsense.
October 30, 2024
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, this is probably mandatory reading. It's very much a guide on how to deal with the situation and almost a diagnostic tool. I was hoping for more content relating to the development, causes (nature vs nurture?), and perhaps some good new-fashioned functional MRI studies to better understand how all this fits together. But still a great and easy first foray into the topic. People are fascinating.
November 15, 2023
Dr. Ramani explains the traits of narcissism very eloquently and in simple language
June 22, 2025
In my work with those recovering from relationship with Narcissists, I had a mentor whom I had the honor to assist in leading a group for those recovering state it so wisely, "In being in a relationship with a narcissist everything in your life revolves around this narcissist. We're not doing this. We are going to talk about the narcissist as feels helpful and informative, but this is about you and your story." While I found the lists and explanations in Durvasula's book SO helpful and will definitely be using certain aspects of it as resources for clients, what felt missing to me is the story of the survivor. What in their life initially drew them to someone whose behaviors could be diagnosable as a narcissist, what kept them in the relationship, and what empowers them to leave (or stay per the title and content of this book). In relationships with narcissists, it is easy to lose one self, and it is in my experience that learning to know and trust one's self again is where the ultimate healing is.
January 9, 2020
I heard somebody referring living with a narcissist as a "upside down" reality, referenced from Stranger Things on Netflix. The more I read about the disorder, the more I witness it in my own life, the more it starts to make sense. Frequently one can't read the label from the inside of the bottle, so I'm grateful for this resource as well as many others what help the victims of narcissistic abuse and myself see the true light, and not the one painted by the the person with particular disorder traits. Do victims deserve such a treatment? Definitely no. Can we make positive changes right away, which usually consist of leaving the abuser? That depends on things too many to count. Sometimes the only way to leave "the upside down" is "to slay the monster"(leave the abuser). I just wish it wasn't easier said than done.
August 28, 2020
genius survival manual for when you struggle with emotionally unavailable persons in your life. Dr Ramani makes it her life project to help educate us on the landscape of pathological narcissism. I would argue it is a more severe epidemic than the current crisis we are facing. Narcissism is on the rise, already approximately, 1 out of 10 persons scores high on the diagnostic scale, meaning they leave behind a huge trail of wounded psyches. they thrive in our day and age and that is problematic and that is the issue that ought to be addressed. Thus diminishing the narcissistic abuse suffered by such a big group of our population, all across the world.
December 8, 2018
I highly recommend this book.
This book has been the turning point in helping me to move forward after the devastating abuse our family has suffered. It brought me peace I couldn't find anywhere else. I only wish I had read it before our 4 years of hell. This book will help you recognize personality types and make wise choices. It's a must read.
This book has been the turning point in helping me to move forward after the devastating abuse our family has suffered. It brought me peace I couldn't find anywhere else. I only wish I had read it before our 4 years of hell. This book will help you recognize personality types and make wise choices. It's a must read.
September 13, 2023
“Should I Stay Or Should I Go” is an ominous yet realistically hopeful “survival guide” as it says, for enduring a relationship with a narcissist. But its implications and scope are much further reaching than that. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is not only acutely knowledgeable on the fundamentals of pathological narcissism, but also well versed in matters of clinical and behavioral psychology, emotionality, and the fundamentals of human nature. She is a scholar and practitioner worthy of her title and acclaim. Because she is exceedingly modest about her intellectual prowess, and focuses solely on the task at hand (which is the education around the narcissism epidemic and how and why these people develop and prune this personality disorder, and more importantly, how it impacts those of us who get caught in their wake), she would likely minimize her own personal characteristics that have paved the way to such stellar breakthroughs in the field; but do not be fooled, Dr. Ramani is a highly intelligent and empathic individual who deserves all the praise she gets for her seemingly vast and comprehensive understanding of the narcissistic personality and the intimate partner violence it facilitates.
It is quite shocking how much this book attempts to cover, and does so with exceeding grace, humility, and clear eyed reasoning. It is hard not to recognize Dr. Ramani’s skill and power over language, as she navigates the complexities of finding one’s self trapped in a narcissistic bond. I feel very lucky to be one of the few people to have read this book (considering the topic is rather niche, although in reality it is actually universal) and feel armed in a profound way against the intimate relationship violence that many of us are subjugated to, and confused about, throughout our entire lives.
To me, this is a very personal book, as I suffered from emotional abuse for over a decade at the hands of a narcissist with whom I trauma bonded with in my childhood, and who, over time, drained me of hope, my self esteem, my well-being, and my empathy. I was so confused about this relationship and why it was the way it was, and on my search to find answers about what it was I was experiencing, something which no one around me seemed capable of properly grasping, I found Dr. Ramani’s youtube channel; a vast comprehensible portrait of the myriad dynamics of narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and healing from narcissistic abuse. It was here that I began to finally understand that what I was experiencing had a name, and more importantly, had an entire community of people who had dealt with the same trauma and vitriol I had, and were willing to share their stories. A key aspect of narcissistic abuse is the isolation recipients feel due to the lack of education and misinformation about narcissistic personalities, and how these relationships terrorize our central beings from the inside out. This often leaves survivors/endurers totally alone in their journey in finding an answer to why it is so hard to leave, what it is that makes us stay, and why it is not as simple or cliche as insecurity (although a deep insecurity can be both the cause and the result of these sorts of dynamics). My constant rumination about my narcissistic partner became an aspect of my personality and because many people around me did not understand what it was I was experiencing, nor did I have a proper name for it myself, it came across as pure delusional obsession; but obsession hardly scratches the surface…
“Should I Stay Or Should I Go” gave me the knowledge to finally understand what happened to me, why, and how I can make sure it never happens again, but it does so much more than that. It exposes the core wounds of a narcissistic personality and disabuses the belief that the narcissist is actually a believer of their own egoic grandiosity. It purports that a narcissist's entire personality is built off of fear of abandonment and an inability to be vulnerable or understand vulnerability as strength. The narcissist is a moribund being, and a textbook example of a bully; someone who is not only unable to regulate their emotional self, but is actually hardwired against intimate and close relationship dynamics. In other words, narcissists are incapable of meaningful, lasting, mutual relationships with other human beings; the foundation of what it means to BE a human being, and spend their days wallowing away in a cesspool of silent self flagellation, depression, anger, guilt, delusions of grandeur, and emptiness. This book untethers the folklore that a narcissist is a beautiful being obsessed with their own beauty, but instead rewrites the narrative to what is actually the clinical science behind the personality disorder; that the narcissist is a broken individual who, like Dorian Gray, hides away their shame and discrepancy deep inside the recesses of their closet. And while they accumulate incalculable scars and bruises from a life of self aggrandizement and the depletion of emotional fulfillment, they play pretend for the rest of the world behind a mask of external perfection that is all but cracking at its seams…I say, Go!
Thank You Dr. Ramani for all the work you do. I cannot describe the impact you have had on my healing journey and I hope desperately to meet you one day if only to tell you how grateful I am for all the incredible work you do.
It is quite shocking how much this book attempts to cover, and does so with exceeding grace, humility, and clear eyed reasoning. It is hard not to recognize Dr. Ramani’s skill and power over language, as she navigates the complexities of finding one’s self trapped in a narcissistic bond. I feel very lucky to be one of the few people to have read this book (considering the topic is rather niche, although in reality it is actually universal) and feel armed in a profound way against the intimate relationship violence that many of us are subjugated to, and confused about, throughout our entire lives.
To me, this is a very personal book, as I suffered from emotional abuse for over a decade at the hands of a narcissist with whom I trauma bonded with in my childhood, and who, over time, drained me of hope, my self esteem, my well-being, and my empathy. I was so confused about this relationship and why it was the way it was, and on my search to find answers about what it was I was experiencing, something which no one around me seemed capable of properly grasping, I found Dr. Ramani’s youtube channel; a vast comprehensible portrait of the myriad dynamics of narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and healing from narcissistic abuse. It was here that I began to finally understand that what I was experiencing had a name, and more importantly, had an entire community of people who had dealt with the same trauma and vitriol I had, and were willing to share their stories. A key aspect of narcissistic abuse is the isolation recipients feel due to the lack of education and misinformation about narcissistic personalities, and how these relationships terrorize our central beings from the inside out. This often leaves survivors/endurers totally alone in their journey in finding an answer to why it is so hard to leave, what it is that makes us stay, and why it is not as simple or cliche as insecurity (although a deep insecurity can be both the cause and the result of these sorts of dynamics). My constant rumination about my narcissistic partner became an aspect of my personality and because many people around me did not understand what it was I was experiencing, nor did I have a proper name for it myself, it came across as pure delusional obsession; but obsession hardly scratches the surface…
“Should I Stay Or Should I Go” gave me the knowledge to finally understand what happened to me, why, and how I can make sure it never happens again, but it does so much more than that. It exposes the core wounds of a narcissistic personality and disabuses the belief that the narcissist is actually a believer of their own egoic grandiosity. It purports that a narcissist's entire personality is built off of fear of abandonment and an inability to be vulnerable or understand vulnerability as strength. The narcissist is a moribund being, and a textbook example of a bully; someone who is not only unable to regulate their emotional self, but is actually hardwired against intimate and close relationship dynamics. In other words, narcissists are incapable of meaningful, lasting, mutual relationships with other human beings; the foundation of what it means to BE a human being, and spend their days wallowing away in a cesspool of silent self flagellation, depression, anger, guilt, delusions of grandeur, and emptiness. This book untethers the folklore that a narcissist is a beautiful being obsessed with their own beauty, but instead rewrites the narrative to what is actually the clinical science behind the personality disorder; that the narcissist is a broken individual who, like Dorian Gray, hides away their shame and discrepancy deep inside the recesses of their closet. And while they accumulate incalculable scars and bruises from a life of self aggrandizement and the depletion of emotional fulfillment, they play pretend for the rest of the world behind a mask of external perfection that is all but cracking at its seams…I say, Go!
Thank You Dr. Ramani for all the work you do. I cannot describe the impact you have had on my healing journey and I hope desperately to meet you one day if only to tell you how grateful I am for all the incredible work you do.
November 17, 2020
20./2020.
20. knjiga koju sam pročitala u 2020. godini je "Ostati ili otići?" ("Should I stay or should I go?") koju je napisala kolegica Ramani Durvasula, klinički psiholog i profesorica psihologije na Državnom univerzitetu u Kaliforniji. Ovo je knjiga koja na pristupačan i konkretan način objašnjava narcistički poremećaj ličnosti koji, nažalost, u modernom društvu ima savršene uslove za razvoj, a međuljudske veze i odnosi, te fizičko i mentalno zdravlje osoba koje su s njima i oko njih - predstavljaju tek kolateralnu štetu. Naslov je zaista primamljiv i zapet će za oko svakoj osobi koja razmišlja da napusti partnera ili posao, ili da se odseli... U prvim poglavljima su detaljno opisane stavke sa ček liste na kojoj možete procijeniti da li trpite jer ste u vezi sa narcisom... Zatim su detaljno opisane razne situacije, iskustva ljudi koji su to prolazili, te njihovi savjeti, bilo da su odlučili da odu ili da ostanu. Autorka je dala detaljne upute šta možete da očekujete bilo koju od te dvije odluke da donesete, te kako da se pripremite i zaštitite jer svaka odluka nosi svoju težinu i za svaku je potrebna enormna snaga da se provede u djelo. I napomena da nam se isto može dogoditi i u porodici i radnom okruženju gdje je dovoljno da se pojavi samo jedna takva osoba da to destruktivno djeluje na čitav sistem u kojem se ona nalazi (porodica, komšiluk, radni kolektiv itd.) Osim toga, često iz djetinjstva nosimo obrasce koje ponavljamo u zrelom dobu pri izboru partnera, prijatelja i slično. Bilo je izuzetno zanimljivo, ali i teško čitati ovu knjigu jer sam, nažalost i sama u svim periodima života imala nesreću da budem okružena takvim ljudima od rane mladosti pa do današnjeg dana. Autorka je dala i objašnjenje zašto su takve osobe takve kakve jesu i pozvala nas na razumijevanje, ali istovremeno ne i na mazohističko praštanje, nego na oprost i nezaborav, da se pobrinemo za sebe i da na kraju, ma koju odluku donijeli, iz nas izađe nakupljena gorčina, a nastupi duševni mir.
Upravo zbog znakova upozorenja koji nas upućuju na to da imamo posla sa narcisom - preporučila bih ovu knjigu svima, a naročito ženama, jer se na ovim balkanskim prostorima uloga žene u braku često svodi na to da se sve podredi mužu i da se živi život da bi se njemu ugodilo i olakšalo, što samo po sebi ne mora biti loše ako imate posla sa mentalno zdravom osobom, sposobnom za empatiju, uvažavanje i zrelu ljubav... ali, kada se ugađa narcisu (a njemu je nemoguće ugoditi) onda se to svodi na to, citiraću autorku - da se umilostivi zvijer... Zbog izuzetno devastirajućeg uticaja života i rada sa narcisom na naš zivot i zdravlje, bilo bi dobro da pročitamo ovo, da se pobrinemo da našu djecu odgajamo da ne budu poput njih, ali da ne budu ni njihove žrtve...
Ocjena? 🤔 Čista petica ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐.
20. knjiga koju sam pročitala u 2020. godini je "Ostati ili otići?" ("Should I stay or should I go?") koju je napisala kolegica Ramani Durvasula, klinički psiholog i profesorica psihologije na Državnom univerzitetu u Kaliforniji. Ovo je knjiga koja na pristupačan i konkretan način objašnjava narcistički poremećaj ličnosti koji, nažalost, u modernom društvu ima savršene uslove za razvoj, a međuljudske veze i odnosi, te fizičko i mentalno zdravlje osoba koje su s njima i oko njih - predstavljaju tek kolateralnu štetu. Naslov je zaista primamljiv i zapet će za oko svakoj osobi koja razmišlja da napusti partnera ili posao, ili da se odseli... U prvim poglavljima su detaljno opisane stavke sa ček liste na kojoj možete procijeniti da li trpite jer ste u vezi sa narcisom... Zatim su detaljno opisane razne situacije, iskustva ljudi koji su to prolazili, te njihovi savjeti, bilo da su odlučili da odu ili da ostanu. Autorka je dala detaljne upute šta možete da očekujete bilo koju od te dvije odluke da donesete, te kako da se pripremite i zaštitite jer svaka odluka nosi svoju težinu i za svaku je potrebna enormna snaga da se provede u djelo. I napomena da nam se isto može dogoditi i u porodici i radnom okruženju gdje je dovoljno da se pojavi samo jedna takva osoba da to destruktivno djeluje na čitav sistem u kojem se ona nalazi (porodica, komšiluk, radni kolektiv itd.) Osim toga, često iz djetinjstva nosimo obrasce koje ponavljamo u zrelom dobu pri izboru partnera, prijatelja i slično. Bilo je izuzetno zanimljivo, ali i teško čitati ovu knjigu jer sam, nažalost i sama u svim periodima života imala nesreću da budem okružena takvim ljudima od rane mladosti pa do današnjeg dana. Autorka je dala i objašnjenje zašto su takve osobe takve kakve jesu i pozvala nas na razumijevanje, ali istovremeno ne i na mazohističko praštanje, nego na oprost i nezaborav, da se pobrinemo za sebe i da na kraju, ma koju odluku donijeli, iz nas izađe nakupljena gorčina, a nastupi duševni mir.
Upravo zbog znakova upozorenja koji nas upućuju na to da imamo posla sa narcisom - preporučila bih ovu knjigu svima, a naročito ženama, jer se na ovim balkanskim prostorima uloga žene u braku često svodi na to da se sve podredi mužu i da se živi život da bi se njemu ugodilo i olakšalo, što samo po sebi ne mora biti loše ako imate posla sa mentalno zdravom osobom, sposobnom za empatiju, uvažavanje i zrelu ljubav... ali, kada se ugađa narcisu (a njemu je nemoguće ugoditi) onda se to svodi na to, citiraću autorku - da se umilostivi zvijer... Zbog izuzetno devastirajućeg uticaja života i rada sa narcisom na naš zivot i zdravlje, bilo bi dobro da pročitamo ovo, da se pobrinemo da našu djecu odgajamo da ne budu poput njih, ali da ne budu ni njihove žrtve...
Ocjena? 🤔 Čista petica ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐.
June 18, 2021
Leitura incrível, aprendi muito! Conheci o trabalho da Dra. Ramani Durvasula através do Red Table Talk e fiquei especialmente interessada por esse livro no episódio sobre narcisismo. Conheço uma pessoa que, pelo que pude perceber, preenche todos as características do narcisismo patológico descritas no livro. Claro, não posso diagnosticar ninguém por meio de uma leitura (não sou psicóloga), mas foi muito esclarecedor entender um pouco do possível motivo de essa pessoa agir da forma que age e aprender como lidar com a situação quando precisar entrar em contato com ela. Apesar de ser um livro teórico em inglês, a leitura é bem tranquila e livre de termos técnicos, tornando-o acessível para quem não é fluente no idioma. Recomendo muito a leitura, acredito que todo mundo tenha pelo menos um narcisista patológico com quem precisa conviver. Aprender mecanismos para lidar com esse tipo de pessoa é muito importante para nossa saúde mental.
November 3, 2024
Dr Ramani Duvarsula is so knowledgeable on the topic of narcissism.
It is a heavy book to read as any book on narcissism. However the information within is so helpful and realistic.
Main take away: Narcissistic people do not change but several time people hold on tightly to hope believing that if they do things better things will change. They don’t. You could be doing exactly what the narcissist wants and you’ll continue to be ignored, neglected, mistreated and abused. They don’t change. And please don’t believe in the false promises and future faking.
Dr Ramani wrote another book “It’s Not You” it was published in February 2024 that I like even better and ai highly recommend
It is a heavy book to read as any book on narcissism. However the information within is so helpful and realistic.
Main take away: Narcissistic people do not change but several time people hold on tightly to hope believing that if they do things better things will change. They don’t. You could be doing exactly what the narcissist wants and you’ll continue to be ignored, neglected, mistreated and abused. They don’t change. And please don’t believe in the false promises and future faking.
Dr Ramani wrote another book “It’s Not You” it was published in February 2024 that I like even better and ai highly recommend
May 10, 2025
Dr. Ramani is a Goddess in her field. I found her checklist invaluable. As others that live with narcissists know, it is all too easy to doubt ourselves. We're over reacting, mis-remembering, mis-reading - the checklist helped me to see that I was not crazy.
I love that Dr. Ramani doesn't tell you what to do, or that there is a best path forward, but rather that each path is different and we each must decide for ourselves.
I love that Dr. Ramani doesn't tell you what to do, or that there is a best path forward, but rather that each path is different and we each must decide for ourselves.
October 12, 2020
Jedna od najboljih knjiga koje sam procitala iz ove oblasti ove godine i svakom bih preporucila da procita i poseduje. Naziv knjige bolje da je bio Narcisoidnost - bolest danasnjice.
November 12, 2024
Great author. Found her on YouTube first. Highly recommend if somebody is going through a challenging situation with a narcissist.
Spoiler alert: I left.
Spoiler alert: I left.
Read
January 17, 2026disclaimer: not about Ryan Kelly but this is teaaa
December 19, 2024
As someone who had a narcissistic mother and naturally attracted a narcissistic romantic partner, I can say this book blew me away. To see so many behaviors, situations, and responses that I experienced and suffered firsthand in an intimate relationship written down in this book was painfully comforting, knowing that I didn't actually have a years-long nightmare and that I'm not the only one who went through this.
Must-read book if you have a narcissist in your life (and especially your bed).
Must-read book if you have a narcissist in your life (and especially your bed).
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