The Last Porno Theater

by Nick Cato

New York City, 1989. The Metro is the last theater to feature adult films projected on actual film, something manager Herschell Schwartzbaum takes much pride in. But the city is attempting to buy the theater to continue sanitizing Times Square. Despite barely making ends meet and having to deal with a small staff not as devoted as himself, Herschell refuses to budge. When one of his employees goes missing, Herschell is forced to hire a newbie. And just as he's learning the ropes from Herschell and ace projectionist Cleon, The Metro begins to display some truly odd interior damage they won't be able to hide from city officials forever. Now Herschell and his staff must prepare for a battle against corrupt bureaucrats and their arsenal of unusual devices ... and they're about to get some help from The Metro itself ...

Genres: Horror, Bizarro Fiction, Humor

90 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 18, 2013

Reviews

[Peter · Rating 4 out of 5]

To be honest, the cover lured me in. This is about the last Porno Theater on Times Square and the way it vanishes. The story starts with a good introduction of the characters but soon turns into the bizarre when an oversize tit is breaking through the wall... who does the single tit belong to? Is there more to come? What is going on here and who settles things between traditionalism and modernity? Interesting fresh idea, strong prose, fantastic plot and good storytelling. Liked that novella and can really recommend it.

[Janie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is what happens when the original spirit of Times Square has its day against corporate America.  Can you blame it?  In the good old days, porn theatres, prostitutes, drug dealers and pervs were free to be, you and me, under the dazzling neon lights of the Big Apple.  The sights were there to be seen.   What's a little smut?  You have to have a balance, and there can't be nice without some naughty.  This was a funny and enjoyable story of the little theatre who could. I only wish the ending hadn't been so pat.  Three cheers for the Metro - the last porno theatre.

[Dave · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is actually not a book about porn. It is an absurdist nightmare about societal change, urban blight, nightmares, revenge, civic destruction. It is a story about the last surviving small business in a world of behemoths. It is a story about giant forces beyond our control and bizarre fantasies come to life. One of the great things about this piece is how carefully the author draws the reader in to the narrator's story about how he learned to operate the theater under his father's tutelage and what it was like to operate such a place with its bizarre trench-coat wearing clientele and how difficult it was to find good employees. Going into this blind to what it becomes, it is a complete shock where this story goes. It is a hilarious tale that will rock you off your chair in fits of laughter. By the way, what's growing in your walls.

[Shamus McCarty · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was 1989. Walking down the street listening to Prince on my Walk-Man some sketchy looking dude walked up to me and asked.

"You ever jerked off ta 10 foot tits?"

"What's a foot tit? You know what, never mind. I'm in."

And with that, I entered the seedy world of Nick Cato's Theater.

Before I entered the matinee I purchased a giant bucket of popcorn to hide my "jerk off ta 10 foot tits". Soon after entering I realized I was the only customer who had such humility. So I proceeded to butter my popcorn proper-like.



This was a short quick read that I found immensely enjoyable. The story was intriguing, but that's not what I loved about the book. I fell in love with the gigantic metaphor behind the scenes.

I've never been to New York. In fact, I grew up very far from New York on the outskirts of Dallas. For 34 years I've watched our cow pastures turn into golf courses. The fields I used to play in as a child turn into neighborhoods. Our BBQ joints have transformed into TGI Fridays and Bennigans.

Is that the same as watching a porno theater turned into a giant Disney store? No, but it's similar. It's still local culture, being stripped away in the name of corporate profits and real estate development. It's still depressing. And it's still very relatable to some guy living in the outskirts of Dallas.

[Bill · Rating 3 out of 5]

Even though Herschell Schwartzbaum inherited the whack palace known as the Metro theater, he still had to start at the bottom and work his way up the ranks. Starting out as a mop boy. Not a glamourous job to begin with, but when you’re working in a jack shack, there is not enough Clorox in the world to make that palpable. Hard work pays off though and now Herschell is the proud owner of the last porno theater on 42nd street. Fighting gentrification as well as he and his two loyal employees can, they suddenly find themselves in a world of tit. A violation of NYC building codes for sure. To top it off, one of his employees has gone M.I.A. and corporate clowns from the city want to buy him out and are willing to go to extreme measures to do so. The fight is on.

I am surprised that I liked this one as much as I did. It was not at all what I was expecting and started off very, very good. Lots of laughs and wtf moments to be had. Toward the end though it felt like it lost its steam and finished without much hoorah nor explanation. Too bad too, because even with the premise as it was, it still was going strong until 80% or so. Maybe Mr. Cato just got tired. Felt like it anyway.

3 “Damn, I wish it didn’t fizzle” stars.

[11811 (Eleven) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A crazy, hilarious acid trip of a story. Highly, highly recommended if you're into that sort of thing.

[Marvin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't get it. Whenever the politicians get cozy with the urban gentrification committees, they always talk about "cleaning up the city". In my mind that means voting out a few crooks but to them, it means busting the porn shop, peep shows and strip shows. At first glance, most people would stick their noses up, decry the immoral "garbage" and say "Good riddance!". But for some of us, it is still part of the colorful history of a city. Whether it is the Tenderloin District of San Francisco, the bad part of Sunset in Los Angeles, or New York's Times Square of Midnight Cowboy or Taxi Driver, there are still stories to be told. When Tom Waits sings about the night being "as cold as a ticket taker's smile at the Ivar Theater", The last burlesque theater in LA, you know he didn't dream up that line while watching a Disney film.

Nick Cato's funny-bizarre The Last Porno Theater is sort of a tribute to those areas. In this case, it is Times Square in 1989. Herschel Schwartzbaum is the owner of the last adult theater in Times Square and barely knows if he will still be there a year from now. Developers have bought out the other theaters and the advent of the VCR is spelling doom for the business. Yet Herschel Schwartzman keeps plugging away even when one of his employees disappear. What happens next will not be mentioned. Lets just say they don't call Nick Cato a Bizarro writer for nothing.

It is a good book all the way through but it is the first half of the novel that really shines. The author weaves a tight almost crime noir feel and covers it with a cynical yet almost nostalgic humor. He has a feel for the seedy side of the city and the residents of the down and dirty. It comes through nicely especially when Herschell meets a neighborly clothing store owner. There is both grit and affection in this book. it made me wish Cato continued it for more than the 90 pages of this too short novella.

The second half of the novel brings in the Bizarro part. it is weird and funny and manages to stay connected to the urban nostalgia of the late 80s. Maybe a little too weird at times but it still works. But overall this is a sharp little romp of the a book that evokes a time that was both sleazier and more innocent than now. I would like to read more of Nick Cato. In this work, he shows himself an excellent storyteller and a very strange man ...in a good way.

[David Church · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this quick read. It reminds me of a time before commercialism has taken over the United States. I remember these gritty filthy days of 42nd street. I was fortunate enough to visit New York during this era and walking down 42nd street gave you a feeling of fear and excitement. Nick Cato does an excellent job of putting you into the setting.
This story is pure chaotic bliss. It has several WTF moments, so if you have a limited imagination skip this one. If the sky is the limit for your imagination pick this up and enjoy.

[Michael Faun · Rating 4 out of 5]

This body-surreal-horror novella really struck a chord with me. The copy I have was given to me among other titles by the author, Nick Cato, himself during my stay at his home in April 2015. Before I had read it, we were driving into NYC and passed the locations 42nd and Times Square which are the main stages of this book, and Nick told me a bunch of cool stories about how these blocks were back in the 80s. This fact really added a lot as I in a later stage, when back in my home in Sweden, began feasting on The Last Porno Theater. The book circles around an old school theater called The Metro, its owner Herschell, and his two employees, Cleon and Marge. The latter is gone missing one day, which calls for Hersch to take in a new guy who is willing to mop jizz off the floor in the auditorium for little pay. A brawny dude name Curtis, who used to work at the Empire before the big "clean-up" on Times Square. After this, weird shit starts happening in the theater. Something that would be like feeding steroids to Robert Crumb's "big girl" fetish, and that would make interior designers and craftsmen go insane...

This book is an intense ride on the express highway of the weird, a well crafted story that builds to a superb ending. A nostalgic trip to what once was, before the square and morally correct destroyed everything, and even though I didn't experience this era in real life, I was given a vivid tour in it thanks to this book.

Highly recommended!

[Ash says Free Palestine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was my first time reading bizarro fiction, and it felt like I took a bunch of drugs before sitting down to read. I mean that as a compliment.

The plot was intriguing and I was interested to see where it would go! Might have to explore this genre more.

[Frank · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nick Cato's THE LAST PORNO THEATER was a walk down memory lane (mammary lane?) for me. Though I was a tad too young to experience the more seedier side of Times Square in the 70s, the story still brought back to mind all the dirt and grime of America's Crossroads.
Cato's signature style of 70s grindhouse exploitation stories is on full display here. Nick Cato is a guy you know has experienced this book. He puts you there and you choke on the black exhaust of a thousand checkered cabs as they roll past Nick Cato's world.
And dont fret too much. There isnt nearly any porn in the story despite its title. There just enough naighty to keep the story honest. What really drives THE LAST PORNO THEATER is the dark under world dealings, crooked men on the take and two most unexpected kaiju-like monsters doing battle on the west side.
If you like grindhouse, exploitation cinema and good gritty storytelling, pick up THE LAST PORNO THEATER and everything else you can get your hands on by Nick Cato.

[Thom (T.E.) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good entertainment. The sort of authoritative narrative voices (shifting between the short chapters) that make for a support sturdy enough to handle the plot's veering into multiple layers of bizarreness. And a love for Times Square's titillating sleaze of decades past--even as it's become a fading view in the rear-view mirror. Some of what I wanted to see emphasized in the relationships between characters and their city's features/ambience was a bit thin.

I suppose that's one good way to prevent readers from drifting away--give a novella 22 chapters of fairly consistent concision. Each one goes by in a New York minute. You got a problem with that?

Author Cato understands brisk action and gives it cinematic clarity, no matter how absurd the scenarios being described. So I accepted the detours as they were laid out for me. Cato got me to accept them, and to quickly learn to enjoy them.

[George Billions · Rating 4 out of 5]

This? Oh, just some wholesome mystery I picked up...

I was at a family thing recently that necessitated a lot of waiting around, which meant a lot of little moments filled in by reading. I pushed this book further down my reading list, because I wasn't sure how I'd answer if anybody asked what I was reading. In the meantime, I tore through a couple other books. Since nobody asked about those, I figured I could probably read this one without the question coming up. Naturally, it did, in a room full of people I'm related to.

Not wanting to say the name of the book, I stammered, "It's about this guy who runs a movie theater, and weird stuff keeps happening, and he's trying to figure out how to deal with it." It's not an inaccurate description, though I was glad not to receive any follow up questions. The title alone would make me sound like a pervert reading hard smut around his family, and I certainly didn't want to get into what that weird stuff entailed.

The narrator's just a guy living a life as conventional as you'd expect from a guy who runs a porno theater, with the sober and relatable voice of somebody who lives in this world. He seemed as surprised as I was to find an enormous, disembodied breast growing out of a theater wall, which is just the beginning of that aforementioned weird stuff. The Last Porno Theater isn't exactly a book you'd want to tell your grandma about, but it is a fun little excursion to a seedy corner of a fever dream.

[Christopher Irvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

New York City, 1989. Times Square is being sanitized and The Metro is the last theater to show adult films… wait a minute – what’s that breast doing growing out of the wall!?

THE LAST PORNO THEATER (a bizarro work, I might add…) is a hell of a lot of fun. Cato lures you in with Herschell, a hardworking, if a bit naive protagonist, and the next thing you know, [spoiler alert!] you’re knee deep in clones with a giant fifty-foot tall clown breathing down your neck. TLPT is my first venture into bizarro territory, and while I’ve heard a lot of the genre features over-the-top craziness with little connection to the story, Cato’s left turn to crazy town fits right in line with his themes and his character’s attempt to hold on to their ideal image of a Times Square that is quickly evaporating before their eyes

[Bracken · Rating 5 out of 5]

The twists in this story were completely unexpected and delightfully perverse. Imagine Ms. 45, Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, and Destroy All Monsters set in the world of Paul Schrader's Hardcore. This book is absurd, unsettling, hilarious, and head scratchingly weird. Nick Cato's love for the Times Square of the past comes through in all of its grindhouse glory.

[Noigeloverlord · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bring A Tissue

A crazy tale that gets crazier and crazier as you go. Nick Cato writes the strange as no one can.

[Ryan Lieske · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bizarre and hilarious love-letter to the grungy Times Square of yesteryear, Nick Cato's "The Last Porno Theater" is a delight from start to finish. Within the first couple of chapters, the owner of Times Square's last surviving porn theater discovers a giant tit growing from the wall of his establishment, and that's all it took. I was in for the ride and grinning from ear to ear. Fighting to save the establishment that's been in his family for decades, along with trying to ascertain just why female body parts are sprouting from the walls and ceiling, the owner and his employees are thrust into a sordid, completely whack adventure straight out of a grindhouse heaven. Un-PC? Yep. Dirty and rude? Yep. Entertaining as hell? HELL, yep. I don't want to give too much away, so I'll just say that this novella is a quick read that's sure to thrill anybody who still harbors a fondness for those g(l)ory days of old. Some have complained that the ending is too pat and rushed. Maybe it is, but I don't care. The journey is what counts, and this journey was a grotty joy!

[Brett · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was fun love letter to The Times Square that was.

[Vincenzo Bilof · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun pulp novel that reads like a love letter to Manhattan, The Last Porno Theater is a throwback to an earlier time. If you’re looking for a story that faithfully recalls vintage horror, Cato’s book is a porn-theater time-machine to the end of a decade that remains the subject of many tributes; the 80s remains embedded in the consciousness of some of this generation’s best writers, and Cato isn’t afraid to show us the last gasp of a dying world.
Reading Cato’s work is like stepping back into the grimy footage of the early Scorsesse-Deniro films. I felt like there might be a “cigarette burn” at the top of each page’s corner. The characters in this novel are concerned with the preservation of a dying tradition and the defense of a cultural landmark of sin, sex, and depravity. With the corporate takeover of Times Square, we’re offered the perspective of a business owner who’s forced to make decisions about the future of his skin cinema, a decision many small-business owners have had to make while the Wal-Mart plague encroaches on the dream independent entrepreneurs.
The action and events unfold like an old-school B-movie. It would have been nice to see more of the setting through the eyes of Herschel, because Cato gives a snapshot of a bygone time. I’d love to read more of Cato’s work based on a similar environment, because his narrative voice lends the story sense of authenticity and atmosphere; The Last Porno Theater is a quick romp downtown that will leave a smile on your face.

[JP · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun and bizzare read. You can really feel the genuine passion and love that the author, Nick Cato, felt for the glory days of 42nd Street.

The characters were interesting despite the brevity of the story and some of the action was very, very strange, but entertaining throughout.

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one started off on a promising note, but about half way through it took a trip into bizarro country that proved to be a little too out there for my tastes. Well written and fast paced, but not quite what I was expecting.

[Vince · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dumb. Not worth the time at all....

[Ms. Nikki]

50% off @ Kobo

[D.J. Goodman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Delightfully bonkers.

[James Seger · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting concept. I enjoyed the first half of the book, dealing with the daily operation of the theater a whole lot more than I enjoyed the balls to the wall zaniness of the second half.