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التهذيب الايجابي من الالف الي الياء : ١٠٠١ حلا لمشكلات التربية اليومية
في هذا الكتاب، سوف تتعرف على سبل المزج بين العطف والحزم لتنشئة طفل قادر على تحمل المسؤولية واحترام ذاته والتصرف بذكاء. وسوف تجد حلول عملية للتحديات التي ستواجهك في تنشئة أطفالك. ومنها على سبيل المثال لا الحصر- التنافس بين الاخوة - مشاحنات ما قبل النوم - الطفل سريع الغضب مشكلات المدرسة - القيام بالاعمال المنزلية - اضطرابات نقص التركيز - والنشاط الزائد - مشكلات التغذية - الطلاق - التسويف - النحيل - الوشاية والكذب - الواجب المدرسي - والكثير من التحديات والصعوبات الاخرى! يقدم .لك هذا الكتاب خلطة سحرية تجمع بين العطف والحنان.
329 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1994
487 people are currently reading
2016 people want to read
About the author
Jane Nelsen
134 books172 followersDr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and Carlsbad, CA.
She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.
She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 161 reviews
March 23, 2010
Because you can’t highlight in a library book:
- Children have four basic needs: 1) a sense of belonging and significance, 2) perceptions of capability, 3) personal power and autonomy, 4) social and life skills. pg. 9
- Let children calm down and catch their breath before trying to solve a problem. "Children do better when they feel better." pg. 21
- "Mistakes are opportunities to learn" for both children and adults. pg. 36
- "If you want your child to be truthful, you must be willing to listen, to refrain from shaming or punishing, and to work with her to develop her skills and understanding as problems arise. " pg. 45
- "Children learn best in the context of relationships... and through active involvement that engages their senses: sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch. They also need opportunities to connect what they already know to new information as they construct their understanding of the world." pg. 66
- "Children 'listen' to kind, firm and consistent action more than they listen to words." pg. 84
- "Children will develop thinking skills, judgment skills, problem-solving abilities, and initiative when adults ask them curiosity questions: "What happened? What were you trying to do? Why do you think this happened? How do you feel about it? Why do you think this happened? How do you feel about it? How could you fix it? What else could you do if you don't want this to happen again?" pg. 91
- A way to determine if a comment is "praise" or "encouragement" is if it can be said only to that person at that time. Praise is general, like "Good job" and encouragement is specific, like "Look how high you built that tower! It's taller than you!" Praise gives authority to the adult, encouragement gives ownership to the child. pg. 93
- When your child is speaking to you, LISTEN. If you can’t give them your FULL attention, ask them to wait a moment while you finish what you were doing, and then look them in the eye while they speak. Imagine how you would feel if the person you were talking to was multi-tasking!
- Ask about happiest and saddest moments of the day. pg. 108
- “Children usually know when something in the family is amiss, and without enough information, they assume they have done something wrong.” pg. 135
- “Before you can help your child choose different behavior, you must first understand why your child is behaving this way, and what he is trying to accomplish with his behavior.” pg. 140
- Mistaken Goals: 1) undue attention seeking, 2) misguided power, 3) revenge, and 4) assumed inadequacy. pg. 166
- The 3 A’s of Special Time: attitude, attention, alone. Believe that time alone with your child is valuable and give it your full attention. pg. 149
- “Children usually expect adults to provide constant entertainment and diversion, but if adults comply, children may never learn how to occupy quiet moments or cure boredom for themselves. “ pg. 158
- “Preschoolers often involves opposites – the learn one skill and its opposite at the same time. In the case of friendship, this means that connection through friendship also brings a negative side – exclusion.” pg. 192
- “Children who are successful at social relationships often learn to watch a game I progress and then join in my creating a role for themselves. For example, after a few moments of watching playmates play house, offering to make ‘bake cookies’ for the others.” Pg. 199
- If your children are arguing, you have three choices: 1) Beat it: leave the area, 2) Bear it: stay in the same room without jumping in to stop the fight or fix the problem, 3) End the Bout or Boot ‘Em Out: send children to cool off or go outside to continue their fight where it doesn’t effect everyone else. pg. 204
- Let child help in making and/or illustrating a routine chart for morning time, transitions, and bedtime. They often follow the chart better than the parents’ directions. pg. 219
- “Choosing clothing the night before will eliminate at least one potential morning power struggle.” pg. 221
- “Listen to your mealtime comments and ask yourself if you would say the same time to an adult.” pg. 234
- “Sugar can disrupt the body’s natural craving for good foods.” pg. 234
- To encourage healthy eating habits: 1) When they eat isn’t as important as what they eat, 2) Simple is best, 3) Allow choices, including some fun foods, 4) Hunger is a better guide to eating than the clock. pg. 238
- “Giving your children a way to contribute encourages the growth of their sense of initiative, teaches them life skills, invites them to see themselves as contributing members of the family and builds their sense of belonging.” pg. 242
- “A child who is having difficulty defecating my loosen up and relax his muscles if he blows bubbles while sitting on the toilet. It is difficult to squeeze and blow at the same time! Playing a harmonica offers the same benefits.” pg. 252
- “Teach him to clean up any mess he makes. With a kind and firm tone of voice say, ‘You’ll need to clean that up. Would you like my help or do you want to do it by yourself?’ If he resists, say, ‘Would a hug help you feel better? I know you will want to take care of this problem when you feel better.’” pg. 257
- …”The research confirmed that the children who attended academic preschools did know more numbers and letters than the children who went to play-oriented preschools. However, by age five, the kids from the play-oriented preschools had caught up, while those attending academic preschools felt less positive about school.” pg. 264
- “Does this mean academics should be eliminated during the first three years? No. The key is to follow the interests of children. …Be aware of what your child is learning and how he feels about it.” pg. 265
- “The best way to deal with the effect of video and television violence on your child is to limit his exposure and to do lots of teaching. Watch programs or games with him and be sure you model for him the values you want him to adopt. Television viewing encourages passivity; critical thinking and learning occur only when dialog takes place.” pg. 303
- “It is difficult to limit your child’s exposure to TV, video games, and the computer when you never turn them off yourself.” pg. 304
- “You are your child’s most important role model; be sure you practice the values you expect your child to learn. pg. 304
- Children have four basic needs: 1) a sense of belonging and significance, 2) perceptions of capability, 3) personal power and autonomy, 4) social and life skills. pg. 9
- Let children calm down and catch their breath before trying to solve a problem. "Children do better when they feel better." pg. 21
- "Mistakes are opportunities to learn" for both children and adults. pg. 36
- "If you want your child to be truthful, you must be willing to listen, to refrain from shaming or punishing, and to work with her to develop her skills and understanding as problems arise. " pg. 45
- "Children learn best in the context of relationships... and through active involvement that engages their senses: sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch. They also need opportunities to connect what they already know to new information as they construct their understanding of the world." pg. 66
- "Children 'listen' to kind, firm and consistent action more than they listen to words." pg. 84
- "Children will develop thinking skills, judgment skills, problem-solving abilities, and initiative when adults ask them curiosity questions: "What happened? What were you trying to do? Why do you think this happened? How do you feel about it? Why do you think this happened? How do you feel about it? How could you fix it? What else could you do if you don't want this to happen again?" pg. 91
- A way to determine if a comment is "praise" or "encouragement" is if it can be said only to that person at that time. Praise is general, like "Good job" and encouragement is specific, like "Look how high you built that tower! It's taller than you!" Praise gives authority to the adult, encouragement gives ownership to the child. pg. 93
- When your child is speaking to you, LISTEN. If you can’t give them your FULL attention, ask them to wait a moment while you finish what you were doing, and then look them in the eye while they speak. Imagine how you would feel if the person you were talking to was multi-tasking!
- Ask about happiest and saddest moments of the day. pg. 108
- “Children usually know when something in the family is amiss, and without enough information, they assume they have done something wrong.” pg. 135
- “Before you can help your child choose different behavior, you must first understand why your child is behaving this way, and what he is trying to accomplish with his behavior.” pg. 140
- Mistaken Goals: 1) undue attention seeking, 2) misguided power, 3) revenge, and 4) assumed inadequacy. pg. 166
- The 3 A’s of Special Time: attitude, attention, alone. Believe that time alone with your child is valuable and give it your full attention. pg. 149
- “Children usually expect adults to provide constant entertainment and diversion, but if adults comply, children may never learn how to occupy quiet moments or cure boredom for themselves. “ pg. 158
- “Preschoolers often involves opposites – the learn one skill and its opposite at the same time. In the case of friendship, this means that connection through friendship also brings a negative side – exclusion.” pg. 192
- “Children who are successful at social relationships often learn to watch a game I progress and then join in my creating a role for themselves. For example, after a few moments of watching playmates play house, offering to make ‘bake cookies’ for the others.” Pg. 199
- If your children are arguing, you have three choices: 1) Beat it: leave the area, 2) Bear it: stay in the same room without jumping in to stop the fight or fix the problem, 3) End the Bout or Boot ‘Em Out: send children to cool off or go outside to continue their fight where it doesn’t effect everyone else. pg. 204
- Let child help in making and/or illustrating a routine chart for morning time, transitions, and bedtime. They often follow the chart better than the parents’ directions. pg. 219
- “Choosing clothing the night before will eliminate at least one potential morning power struggle.” pg. 221
- “Listen to your mealtime comments and ask yourself if you would say the same time to an adult.” pg. 234
- “Sugar can disrupt the body’s natural craving for good foods.” pg. 234
- To encourage healthy eating habits: 1) When they eat isn’t as important as what they eat, 2) Simple is best, 3) Allow choices, including some fun foods, 4) Hunger is a better guide to eating than the clock. pg. 238
- “Giving your children a way to contribute encourages the growth of their sense of initiative, teaches them life skills, invites them to see themselves as contributing members of the family and builds their sense of belonging.” pg. 242
- “A child who is having difficulty defecating my loosen up and relax his muscles if he blows bubbles while sitting on the toilet. It is difficult to squeeze and blow at the same time! Playing a harmonica offers the same benefits.” pg. 252
- “Teach him to clean up any mess he makes. With a kind and firm tone of voice say, ‘You’ll need to clean that up. Would you like my help or do you want to do it by yourself?’ If he resists, say, ‘Would a hug help you feel better? I know you will want to take care of this problem when you feel better.’” pg. 257
- …”The research confirmed that the children who attended academic preschools did know more numbers and letters than the children who went to play-oriented preschools. However, by age five, the kids from the play-oriented preschools had caught up, while those attending academic preschools felt less positive about school.” pg. 264
- “Does this mean academics should be eliminated during the first three years? No. The key is to follow the interests of children. …Be aware of what your child is learning and how he feels about it.” pg. 265
- “The best way to deal with the effect of video and television violence on your child is to limit his exposure and to do lots of teaching. Watch programs or games with him and be sure you model for him the values you want him to adopt. Television viewing encourages passivity; critical thinking and learning occur only when dialog takes place.” pg. 303
- “It is difficult to limit your child’s exposure to TV, video games, and the computer when you never turn them off yourself.” pg. 304
- “You are your child’s most important role model; be sure you practice the values you expect your child to learn. pg. 304
September 13, 2010
A great book, but a little too redundant. Could have been much shorter, especially since its written for parents of preschool children who generally don't have a lot of time. The general idea and theory in the book is very positive and focused on loving your child and seeing through their mind. The reading is a little too light at times. I would have liked more scientific reasoning behind why children do what they do and think how they think. I think this book is a very good addition to Dr. Sears "Attachment Parenting" and "The Discipline Book" as it has the same concepts but is written in a way that drills then into your head.
The only thing I absolutely did not like about this book is that in every example they give of a child that is dealing with both a preschool teacher and their parent, the preschool teacher is always right. The authors need to give parents more credit as to their innate abilities to take care of a raise their children. The examples in the book send the message that parents aren't as capable as "trained professionals." The truth is that a child's parent is the most trained professional to raise and care for them. There is no one else that a child looks to more for love and knowledge than their parents. And as parents we need to tune in to our children's wants and needs by listening to our instincts and believing in our capabilities to raise them.
The only thing I absolutely did not like about this book is that in every example they give of a child that is dealing with both a preschool teacher and their parent, the preschool teacher is always right. The authors need to give parents more credit as to their innate abilities to take care of a raise their children. The examples in the book send the message that parents aren't as capable as "trained professionals." The truth is that a child's parent is the most trained professional to raise and care for them. There is no one else that a child looks to more for love and knowledge than their parents. And as parents we need to tune in to our children's wants and needs by listening to our instincts and believing in our capabilities to raise them.
August 19, 2019
كتاب رائع ..و افكار كثير متعددة اختار ما يناسبك انت و طفلك من بينها .كتاب مدرسة لك و لطفلك و تقبل جميع من حولك .الاهم انك بعد قراءة الكتاب كاملا باهتمام ..سوف يحدث الاتي
1.سوف تعجب بكثير من الافكار و تتمنى لو انك اتيحت لك الفرصة و انت صغير لمثل هذه المرونة و الرحايه
2.تسال نفسك هل استطيع التغيير و التطبيق ومحو معلوماتي المترسخة الخاطئة .و تستمر في القراءة
3.تنسى و تخطا فتعود للكتاب و تقول ساتذكر المرة القادمة.ثم تخطا . فعملية المحو و التجديد تحتاج تصميم و ارادة.و لكن تستمر في متابعة القراءة
4.اخيرا تنجح ..و لكن ليس بشكل كامل ثم تخطأ مرة اخرى.و تعيد قراءة حل مشكلة ما مرات و مرات.ثم تستمر و تكمل القراءه
5. على اخر الكتاب ستجد انه بشكل عجيب قد تغيرت معتقدات و مفاهيم كثيره في التربية و التعامل واصبح اداءك احسن و اكثر سلاسة و لكنك تحتاج الي مزيد من التدريب ولكن هذه المرة انت تتدرب و المعطيات راسخة وصدر رحب و عقل مرن
1.سوف تعجب بكثير من الافكار و تتمنى لو انك اتيحت لك الفرصة و انت صغير لمثل هذه المرونة و الرحايه
2.تسال نفسك هل استطيع التغيير و التطبيق ومحو معلوماتي المترسخة الخاطئة .و تستمر في القراءة
3.تنسى و تخطا فتعود للكتاب و تقول ساتذكر المرة القادمة.ثم تخطا . فعملية المحو و التجديد تحتاج تصميم و ارادة.و لكن تستمر في متابعة القراءة
4.اخيرا تنجح ..و لكن ليس بشكل كامل ثم تخطأ مرة اخرى.و تعيد قراءة حل مشكلة ما مرات و مرات.ثم تستمر و تكمل القراءه
5. على اخر الكتاب ستجد انه بشكل عجيب قد تغيرت معتقدات و مفاهيم كثيره في التربية و التعامل واصبح اداءك احسن و اكثر سلاسة و لكنك تحتاج الي مزيد من التدريب ولكن هذه المرة انت تتدرب و المعطيات راسخة وصدر رحب و عقل مرن
July 25, 2011
I like the concept that one of the biggest things you can do for your child to help discipline them and help give them self-confidence and independence is to teach them skills. The more your child is able to do without your help, the happier they are because they feel more autonomous and less reliant on others. I've absolutely seen this with with my son - this is a huge reason why parenting him has become easier the older he's gotten (he was 2.5 years when I read this book). Him being verbal and not needing me to translate so much, when he potty trained, when he learned how to put his pants on without my help, etc., all of these things have made him glowingly happy.
Ultimately, I don't like this author, and this is the 2nd book by Jane Nelsen that I've read. It's hard to say that, because I like her much better than more mainstream books of authoritative discipline. It's not a strong dislike. It's hard for me to even pinpoint what exactly I don't like... so here it is - she is positive discipline. Not gentle discipline, although she does have some gentle discipline techniques mixed in there. She's all about using positive reinforcement in order to get your kid to do what you want them to do. This includes verbal praise, sticker charts, rewards, etc. I find some of her methods to be manipulative, and I don't think it's as effective as methods from, say, Playful Parenting (where you find ways to make daily struggles like getting dressed & brushing teeth fun for your kid through pretend, and also making a better connection with them in the process). Part of it is just the attitude I read that seems a little talking down to children, and I don't like labels like "big girl/boy". It would be easier to use her books if she weren't so wordy and repetitive. As it is, it takes many pages for her to make little points or to get one good example... and then I have to think about the intent of the example to decide if it's one I think that will fit in with my own philosophies or not. I will be avoiding this author in the future. This is the 2nd book of hers that I did not finish. I started reading, then started skimming, then looked up just certain topics, and eventually just returned it to the library.
I do like that she's very straightforward in: "If you're doing any of these: spanking, yelling, shaming, etc. - STOP and stop doing it now" because that's something I agree with very much. Not only philosophically, but in practice - as those behaviors make parenting your child more difficult because your kid will be more aggressive, will yell to get your attention, etc.
Ultimately, I don't like this author, and this is the 2nd book by Jane Nelsen that I've read. It's hard to say that, because I like her much better than more mainstream books of authoritative discipline. It's not a strong dislike. It's hard for me to even pinpoint what exactly I don't like... so here it is - she is positive discipline. Not gentle discipline, although she does have some gentle discipline techniques mixed in there. She's all about using positive reinforcement in order to get your kid to do what you want them to do. This includes verbal praise, sticker charts, rewards, etc. I find some of her methods to be manipulative, and I don't think it's as effective as methods from, say, Playful Parenting (where you find ways to make daily struggles like getting dressed & brushing teeth fun for your kid through pretend, and also making a better connection with them in the process). Part of it is just the attitude I read that seems a little talking down to children, and I don't like labels like "big girl/boy". It would be easier to use her books if she weren't so wordy and repetitive. As it is, it takes many pages for her to make little points or to get one good example... and then I have to think about the intent of the example to decide if it's one I think that will fit in with my own philosophies or not. I will be avoiding this author in the future. This is the 2nd book of hers that I did not finish. I started reading, then started skimming, then looked up just certain topics, and eventually just returned it to the library.
I do like that she's very straightforward in: "If you're doing any of these: spanking, yelling, shaming, etc. - STOP and stop doing it now" because that's something I agree with very much. Not only philosophically, but in practice - as those behaviors make parenting your child more difficult because your kid will be more aggressive, will yell to get your attention, etc.
January 3, 2014
The idea of positive discipline sounds great. Unfortunately I didn't feel like the book was talking to "real" parents of "real" children. Some of the ideas were useful (learning how to avoid power struggles is a real life-saver), but I don't understand still what to do when my child just refuses to obey me, no matter how many choices I give her. Sometimes she's just going to disobey, and this book would have me basically ignore this bad behavior. I gave it 4 stars because it did give me a different way to think about my child's behavior. It helped me focus on routine (and why routine is so important for young children), and gave useful ideas for getting cooperation from my child. I read the e-book but would recommend the paperback for anyone trying to decide. The PDF's in the book were really hard to read, sometimes impossible, and it will be harder to refer back to important parts in the e-book versus a paperback version.
April 28, 2011
I waffle between a 3 and 4 on this one. I found the perspective aligned with my ideals (not that I am always great about doing what I think I should!): children can learn to respect while being treated with respect themselves; children behave better when they feel better; children are misguided, not misbehaving. Sometimes I am the one that needs to go to timeout, and not the kids.
What I still find myself wondering about at the end is how to encourage a 3-year old to "solve her own problems with her sibling" when her sibling is only 1. A 1-year old isn't the easiest one to reason with. I do feel like I came away with more "tools" for my parenting toolbox, and that the book itself was fairly easy to read.
What I still find myself wondering about at the end is how to encourage a 3-year old to "solve her own problems with her sibling" when her sibling is only 1. A 1-year old isn't the easiest one to reason with. I do feel like I came away with more "tools" for my parenting toolbox, and that the book itself was fairly easy to read.
January 25, 2019
فكرة الكتاب جدًا جميلة. كل مشكلة يحللها ويقدم لها حلول، وأيضًا أفكار لتجنبها من الأساس، وقصة واقعية ترسخ المفهوم بشكل أكبر .. وغير ذلك
تخرج منه بطريقة تفكير مختلفة تجاه التربية ..
تخرج منه بطريقة تفكير مختلفة تجاه التربية ..
November 7, 2017
This book contains a few actionable ideas to help parents guide their toddler(s) / pre-schoolers towards (eventual) responsible independence.
I appreciated the numerous scenarios provided--realistically frustrating situations are a good way to demonstrate how to employ the various concepts after they are introduced.
I also liked that there was time dedicated to single parents, kids with special needs, groups of children, and other often-overlooked scenarios. The author seemed to greatly respect that, even though an underlying parenting philosophy is preferred, no two parenting/discipline circumstances can ever be identical.
A couple of gripes, but nothing major.
Frequently repetitive (as are many self-help books).
The real-life scenarios didn't always seem very realistic to me (probably because of my own unique special snowflake).
I appreciated the numerous scenarios provided--realistically frustrating situations are a good way to demonstrate how to employ the various concepts after they are introduced.
I also liked that there was time dedicated to single parents, kids with special needs, groups of children, and other often-overlooked scenarios. The author seemed to greatly respect that, even though an underlying parenting philosophy is preferred, no two parenting/discipline circumstances can ever be identical.
A couple of gripes, but nothing major.
Frequently repetitive (as are many self-help books).
The real-life scenarios didn't always seem very realistic to me (probably because of my own unique special snowflake).
November 9, 2021
It's fascinating to me how children can come from the same two people and be so radically different.
My son follows the prototypical first-born traits: people-pleasing, takes directions well, more cautious in his approach to life. Then came my daughter, the ball buster, and suddenly I realized I needed a new bag of tricks to parent her (because the "time out" chair that proved so effective with my son was no match for her strong-willed temperament!)
I've dipped in and out of this book throughout much of 2021—the same year my daughter has been three, which is an age that, with my son, was no problem, but with my daughter, I suddenly understand other parent's laments about. I highlighted so many pages, and found it so helpful, and kept meaning, in this review, to capture down a lot of those notes here so I wouldn't forget.
Then I randomly stumbled across this mom blogger's essay about "Dealing With a Strong Willed Child" and decided she basically did the core of that work for me.
In summary, this book is a great reminder that all kids are different and that how you approach them—in tone and temperament—can make a huge difference in their behavior. Very much recommend to fellow parents of young children out there.
My son follows the prototypical first-born traits: people-pleasing, takes directions well, more cautious in his approach to life. Then came my daughter, the ball buster, and suddenly I realized I needed a new bag of tricks to parent her (because the "time out" chair that proved so effective with my son was no match for her strong-willed temperament!)
I've dipped in and out of this book throughout much of 2021—the same year my daughter has been three, which is an age that, with my son, was no problem, but with my daughter, I suddenly understand other parent's laments about. I highlighted so many pages, and found it so helpful, and kept meaning, in this review, to capture down a lot of those notes here so I wouldn't forget.
Then I randomly stumbled across this mom blogger's essay about "Dealing With a Strong Willed Child" and decided she basically did the core of that work for me.
In summary, this book is a great reminder that all kids are different and that how you approach them—in tone and temperament—can make a huge difference in their behavior. Very much recommend to fellow parents of young children out there.
December 4, 2013
This book had a lot of helpful ideas. I appreciated learning what I can reasonably expect from my two year old and what will take more time to develop. I also liked the philosophy of looking at the end game, how my goal isn't to have a child who (grudgingly)follows rules to escape punishment, but to look at what traits I want my son to have as an adult, and work toward that end. Because of this idea I've stopped using time outs, and instead we have a sheet of cool down ideas on the fridge to help him learn to manage his own emotions instead of me managing them. I also liked the emphasis on preventing misbehaviors by being proactive, instead of being reactive to attention-getting and then possibly giving A. the idea that he is a bad kid. The only thing I wished had been more clear is how to react when negative attention-getting does occur and he chooses not to use his calm down ideas. But Positive Discipline was a good starting-off point for this complex world of parenting a toddler!
February 2, 2019
As a parent, I often find myself in the stressful situation of trying to figure out how to do this thing called...raising a child. Not only how to raise a chid but how to do it so your child is a decent human being and functioning member of society. The preschool years and early development are emphasized as crucial, to basically the rest of their life. That my friends, is why I gravitated towards this book. Every parent essentially chooses what is right for their family and a parenting style that suits them. Whatever you decide in the long run I think this book is a great source for parents as well as educators. The book is broken down into so many subjects you can jump around to something you're particularly interested in at the moment. I actually found myself learning so much about a young child's emotions and perceptions. Things I definitely wanted to know, things I didn't know, things I'll need to know, its all in there. Pick it up, keep it on your nightstand for bedtime reading. It's definitely interesting and worth a look!
January 31, 2010
I take all parenting books with a grain of salt, but this one caused me to take pause and reconsider some of the things that I'm currently doing. Not saying that I'm doing a complete overhaul on my approach to civilize my children, but this book makes some great points that I agree with...I had a few light bulb moments! While I would recommend reading the whole book, at a minimum read Chapters 11-15 which focuses on the differences between punishment and discipline...most of us use the two words interchangably and they're really not at all the same thing. Both of them impact and effect our children and their development in profoundly different ways...wow. I also found their views on punitive vs. positive time-outs interesting. Please let me know what you think if you read it.
May 27, 2012
I love all the positive discipline books, but this one is particularly special because it helps parents understand the stage of life preschoolers are in and how to relate to them. They are not mini-adults. They think totally differently, and I think the author does a good job of helping parents get in their kid's head. Also, I love the positive approach to trying to understand why a child is acting out instead of just using power to control the situation.
August 16, 2016
I will definitely be incorporating some of these practices into my preschool program and the way I deal with my school aged kiddos. Sometimes we expect so much from these little ones forgetting that they are new to this world and aren't armed with all of the tools needed to deal with these new experiences. Our job is to give them these tools and watch them use them.
July 8, 2017
I think this book provides a lot of worthwhile strategies that I try to employ. My only critique is that some of the strategies aren't practical for a family with multiple kids or busy lives. Having a newborn and a preschooler doesn't always allow for the level of time and flexibility required to employ some of the strategies the authors outline.
Read
April 17, 2010Not to try to get into a power struggle with a two year old.
November 28, 2019
A comprehensive and informative guide to preschoolers, that deals with more than just discipline. Repeats much of the same concepts in the last two discipline books I read, but it’s worded better. Unlike “No-Drama Discipline,” this book provided citations and didn’t talk down to me about the “upstairs and downstairs brain.” Like “Toddler Discipline For Every Age and Stage,” it talks about different temperaments, but it discusses each one in more detail. Unlike that other book, this one doesn’t claim a child lying is always innocent (42). It admits that there is not “one ‘right’ way to raise children” (28). It makes a point to mention that it doesn’t advocate spoiling or permissiveness, and sounds more believable when saying so.
Good advice worth trying:
Instead of commanding, ask them what they think. Example: “What do you need to do to get ready?” (21)
Create a written routine together. Let her decide on the order those tasks should be done in. The routine chart becomes the boss. “What’s next on the list?” Don’t offer stickers or rewards for completing tasks though. (21-22) I’ve done this one, and it works pretty well.
Offer the child limited choices, only choices you approve of beforehand though. “This or that? You decide.” (22)
Give warnings before time is up. “We need to leave in a minute. Do you want to swing or slide one more time?” (23)
For whining: “Something is wrong with my ears. When you whine, I can’t hear you at all!” (23)
If your child makes a mess, the child needs to help clean it up (31).
If the child broke something, she should do jobs to earn money to buy a replacement (31).
When one of your kid’s friends is a bad influence: set expectations with the kids and the other parent(s) that play will end if any rules are broken (118-119).
For sharing, you can set a timer for each kid or have the kids play with the toy together (124).
Older kids who hit each other should be firmly separated (126).
Role play with your child, and act out the child role, asking the real child what behavior you should do. Use puppets/toys to act out inappropriate behavior. (139)
191 When your child wants attention, compromise. For example, say you’ll read her one book but the child needs to agree to let the parent read her own book afterward.
Spend time in nature with your child (336-347).
Limit screen time (324-335). “Watching or engaging in fast-paced, overly stimulating screen content diminishes the ability to focus on the next task” (325). Maybe that’s why so many kids have ADHD!
Advice I’m skeptical about:
When your kid is a show off: take your child aside and say that he won’t be able to keep playing if he keeps showing off (120).
When your kids fight with each other, you can hug them or leave the room or put them both in a positive time out no matter who is to blame (121). You can pretend to be a reporter and ask what all the fighting is about and say to “tune in tomorrow to find out how these boys solved their problem” (125). Leaving the room may work when the kids fight to get your attention, but what if they are not fighting for that reason? They won’t care if you leave then. And acting like a reporter WILL give them attention.
When your preschooler is being bullied: ask the child why she thinks the bully does what he does and what she can do to help him (not be a bully) (115-116). Are these stories real examples or just hypothetical? In every real life story I’ve heard about bullying, the bully has lots of friends, and the bully only stops bullying after the victim physically strikes back.
When your child hits you, you can say how much it hurts, ask the child how they think it feels to be hit and what they could do differently to get what they want, leave the room, put yourself in a time out, ask if your kid wants to go cool off, give your child the choice to stop hitting or to go to their room, or discuss the problem at a family meeting later (127-128). Telling my kid how much it hurts doesn’t help. Leaving the room often gives the kid what they want unless they’re hitting you for attention.
In the example on p. 167, Aaron’s mom tells him it’s time to put away his crayons, and he throws them at her. Her response is to silently go to her room. After a few minutes, he snuggled with her, and she told him that it wasn’t okay to throw things. But if it was time to put away the crayons, then there must’ve been a reason for that like they had to go somewhere or do something else. Her leaving the room and waiting for him to come and find her takes time, so it’s unrealistic that this method can be used. He doesn’t suffer any consequence from his behavior, so there’s no motivation to not throw things in the future. He got to color longer if he wanted since she left the room.
Ask the child for help in order to gain compliance. “Can you help me bring my keys to the car?” (22)
When your child refuses to cooperate, rather than arguing or yelling, simply physically remove the child without any words or anger (33).
Sometimes ignoring bad behavior can get it to stop (33).
I can see these things working with preschoolers, but what about when the child grows to be a teenager? Then she is too big for you to pick up and move. Ignoring bad behavior works with little kids because their goal is often getting attention. But teenagers do bad things for peer approval, and you ignoring the problem will be fine by them.
If there is no punishment for the child to fear, then what motivation does the teenager have to cooperate? Older kids are not often spanked, but the memory of it can still make an older kid cooperate, just as a formerly hit animal is conditioned to obey even after you remove the hitting, because the animal was trained to expect pain associated with disobedience.
If kids are taught from a young age that the parent is not the superior, but an equal, then the kid will not obey the parent when older and big enough to not be intimidated by size.
Teaching fear and learned helplessness will make the child obey the parent when old and big enough to go up against the parent. If the parent teaches the young child to feel empowered and in charge, then it’s going to create an empowered and in charge teenager. And that is a recipe for disaster.
The authors say puppies wrestling, nipping, and fighting is normal, and human children fighting is also normal (124). But it’s also normal for parent animals to swat at their young to discipline them, so why shouldn’t humans do the same? Does it harm the young animals when their parents swat at them? No.
“Learning to go to sleep on her own will not create lifelong trauma for your child; it is usually more traumatic for parents than for children. Your attitude is the key. If you feel confident that you are doing the right thing, your child will feel the energy of your confidence. On the other hand, if you feel guilty, angry, or ambivalent, that energy will be communicated and will invite manipulation, helplessness, or power struggles” (239). The same could be said of the punishing kinds of discipline.
The authors say this is a reason why kids don’t listen: “The child is overwhelmed by strong feelings, which drown out your words” (138). So if a kid won’t listen to your commands because of that, why would they listen to your words when you try to empathize with them, give them choices, or tell them that hitting is not okay and that it hurts you?
Bad advice:
Suggests using “and” in place of “but” (3). Example: “I know you want your way and you can’t have your way.” This just seems like a bad use of a word that would confuse the child or seem like manipulation. The meaning behind the phrases is still “but,” even if “and” is used in place of it.
“One does not win the friendship and regard of a child by humiliating him or giving in to his whims.” - Rudolf Dreikurs (3)
But a parent is not supposed to be her child’s friend. And kids would argue that the best friends DO give in to their whims. What kid likes a kid who tells them “no”? “Want to play dolls?” “No.” “Ok, I’m not playing with you then.”
This book still includes the validating of feelings (32). This seems to serve no purpose except putting a label on the child’s feeling in case they don’t already know it. The common sense response from a child who hears “You’re angry, I understand” is “Yeah, so give me what I want! If you don’t, then you don’t understand!” Even adults don’t appreciate it when people tell them “I understand you’re upset;” often adults will say or think bitterly, “No, you don’t understand at all.”
The book gives an example of “good parenting” by showing a mother validating her daughter’s disappointment after her daughter threw a toy, and then letting her daughter choose which book they read (82). So what motivation is there for the child to not throw toys again when there is no consequence?
Like other discipline books, this one thinks empathy can be taught. “Self-awareness is the foundation of empathy” (82). I disagree. There are plenty of bleeding hearts out there who don’t know themselves at all. “Children must learn to identify and accept their own feelings before they can empathize with and accept the feelings of others” (83). I disagree. There are plenty of angry, hateful people in the world who are fully aware that they feel anger and hate, but that doesn’t mean they are empathetic.
“Empathy and compassion are not likely to happen unless adults value and make time for this growth” (92). If this were true, then no one would be empathetic or compassionate decades ago when practically nobody made a point to teach their kids empathy. I was never taught empathy as a kid as far as I know, but I’m very empathetic. I think empathy is an innate thing. Whether you cry watching a sad movie or reading a sad book is involuntary. Empathy and compassion are emotions, which are mostly out of one’s control. You can’t force a feeling you don’t really feel. You can only force your actions.
143-144 For a kid who won’t get dressed, they say to let the kid go to school in pajamas and carry a sack of the clothes to school. The kid can’t go out to recess until he is dressed. So what’s to stop the kid from waiting until recess everyday before putting his clothes on?
They say not to make your kids feel guilty, but remorse is good (147). The dictionary defines guilt as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” So they sound like synonyms to me!
174-175 When your child connects his chicken pox with permanent marker, just join in the fun instead of telling him it’s wrong. Something is only misbehavior when the child does it because s/he is feeling discouraged or wants to belong (175).
Conclusion: The book has good tips for things to try to trick your child into complying, but it doesn’t offer much good advice for what to do when the tricks fail or the child still misbehaves. As long as there is no consequence for repeated bad behavior, the child will learn that there is no reason to obey.
Good advice worth trying:
Instead of commanding, ask them what they think. Example: “What do you need to do to get ready?” (21)
Create a written routine together. Let her decide on the order those tasks should be done in. The routine chart becomes the boss. “What’s next on the list?” Don’t offer stickers or rewards for completing tasks though. (21-22) I’ve done this one, and it works pretty well.
Offer the child limited choices, only choices you approve of beforehand though. “This or that? You decide.” (22)
Give warnings before time is up. “We need to leave in a minute. Do you want to swing or slide one more time?” (23)
For whining: “Something is wrong with my ears. When you whine, I can’t hear you at all!” (23)
If your child makes a mess, the child needs to help clean it up (31).
If the child broke something, she should do jobs to earn money to buy a replacement (31).
When one of your kid’s friends is a bad influence: set expectations with the kids and the other parent(s) that play will end if any rules are broken (118-119).
For sharing, you can set a timer for each kid or have the kids play with the toy together (124).
Older kids who hit each other should be firmly separated (126).
Role play with your child, and act out the child role, asking the real child what behavior you should do. Use puppets/toys to act out inappropriate behavior. (139)
191 When your child wants attention, compromise. For example, say you’ll read her one book but the child needs to agree to let the parent read her own book afterward.
Spend time in nature with your child (336-347).
Limit screen time (324-335). “Watching or engaging in fast-paced, overly stimulating screen content diminishes the ability to focus on the next task” (325). Maybe that’s why so many kids have ADHD!
Advice I’m skeptical about:
When your kid is a show off: take your child aside and say that he won’t be able to keep playing if he keeps showing off (120).
When your kids fight with each other, you can hug them or leave the room or put them both in a positive time out no matter who is to blame (121). You can pretend to be a reporter and ask what all the fighting is about and say to “tune in tomorrow to find out how these boys solved their problem” (125). Leaving the room may work when the kids fight to get your attention, but what if they are not fighting for that reason? They won’t care if you leave then. And acting like a reporter WILL give them attention.
When your preschooler is being bullied: ask the child why she thinks the bully does what he does and what she can do to help him (not be a bully) (115-116). Are these stories real examples or just hypothetical? In every real life story I’ve heard about bullying, the bully has lots of friends, and the bully only stops bullying after the victim physically strikes back.
When your child hits you, you can say how much it hurts, ask the child how they think it feels to be hit and what they could do differently to get what they want, leave the room, put yourself in a time out, ask if your kid wants to go cool off, give your child the choice to stop hitting or to go to their room, or discuss the problem at a family meeting later (127-128). Telling my kid how much it hurts doesn’t help. Leaving the room often gives the kid what they want unless they’re hitting you for attention.
In the example on p. 167, Aaron’s mom tells him it’s time to put away his crayons, and he throws them at her. Her response is to silently go to her room. After a few minutes, he snuggled with her, and she told him that it wasn’t okay to throw things. But if it was time to put away the crayons, then there must’ve been a reason for that like they had to go somewhere or do something else. Her leaving the room and waiting for him to come and find her takes time, so it’s unrealistic that this method can be used. He doesn’t suffer any consequence from his behavior, so there’s no motivation to not throw things in the future. He got to color longer if he wanted since she left the room.
Ask the child for help in order to gain compliance. “Can you help me bring my keys to the car?” (22)
When your child refuses to cooperate, rather than arguing or yelling, simply physically remove the child without any words or anger (33).
Sometimes ignoring bad behavior can get it to stop (33).
I can see these things working with preschoolers, but what about when the child grows to be a teenager? Then she is too big for you to pick up and move. Ignoring bad behavior works with little kids because their goal is often getting attention. But teenagers do bad things for peer approval, and you ignoring the problem will be fine by them.
If there is no punishment for the child to fear, then what motivation does the teenager have to cooperate? Older kids are not often spanked, but the memory of it can still make an older kid cooperate, just as a formerly hit animal is conditioned to obey even after you remove the hitting, because the animal was trained to expect pain associated with disobedience.
If kids are taught from a young age that the parent is not the superior, but an equal, then the kid will not obey the parent when older and big enough to not be intimidated by size.
Teaching fear and learned helplessness will make the child obey the parent when old and big enough to go up against the parent. If the parent teaches the young child to feel empowered and in charge, then it’s going to create an empowered and in charge teenager. And that is a recipe for disaster.
The authors say puppies wrestling, nipping, and fighting is normal, and human children fighting is also normal (124). But it’s also normal for parent animals to swat at their young to discipline them, so why shouldn’t humans do the same? Does it harm the young animals when their parents swat at them? No.
“Learning to go to sleep on her own will not create lifelong trauma for your child; it is usually more traumatic for parents than for children. Your attitude is the key. If you feel confident that you are doing the right thing, your child will feel the energy of your confidence. On the other hand, if you feel guilty, angry, or ambivalent, that energy will be communicated and will invite manipulation, helplessness, or power struggles” (239). The same could be said of the punishing kinds of discipline.
The authors say this is a reason why kids don’t listen: “The child is overwhelmed by strong feelings, which drown out your words” (138). So if a kid won’t listen to your commands because of that, why would they listen to your words when you try to empathize with them, give them choices, or tell them that hitting is not okay and that it hurts you?
Bad advice:
Suggests using “and” in place of “but” (3). Example: “I know you want your way and you can’t have your way.” This just seems like a bad use of a word that would confuse the child or seem like manipulation. The meaning behind the phrases is still “but,” even if “and” is used in place of it.
“One does not win the friendship and regard of a child by humiliating him or giving in to his whims.” - Rudolf Dreikurs (3)
But a parent is not supposed to be her child’s friend. And kids would argue that the best friends DO give in to their whims. What kid likes a kid who tells them “no”? “Want to play dolls?” “No.” “Ok, I’m not playing with you then.”
This book still includes the validating of feelings (32). This seems to serve no purpose except putting a label on the child’s feeling in case they don’t already know it. The common sense response from a child who hears “You’re angry, I understand” is “Yeah, so give me what I want! If you don’t, then you don’t understand!” Even adults don’t appreciate it when people tell them “I understand you’re upset;” often adults will say or think bitterly, “No, you don’t understand at all.”
The book gives an example of “good parenting” by showing a mother validating her daughter’s disappointment after her daughter threw a toy, and then letting her daughter choose which book they read (82). So what motivation is there for the child to not throw toys again when there is no consequence?
Like other discipline books, this one thinks empathy can be taught. “Self-awareness is the foundation of empathy” (82). I disagree. There are plenty of bleeding hearts out there who don’t know themselves at all. “Children must learn to identify and accept their own feelings before they can empathize with and accept the feelings of others” (83). I disagree. There are plenty of angry, hateful people in the world who are fully aware that they feel anger and hate, but that doesn’t mean they are empathetic.
“Empathy and compassion are not likely to happen unless adults value and make time for this growth” (92). If this were true, then no one would be empathetic or compassionate decades ago when practically nobody made a point to teach their kids empathy. I was never taught empathy as a kid as far as I know, but I’m very empathetic. I think empathy is an innate thing. Whether you cry watching a sad movie or reading a sad book is involuntary. Empathy and compassion are emotions, which are mostly out of one’s control. You can’t force a feeling you don’t really feel. You can only force your actions.
143-144 For a kid who won’t get dressed, they say to let the kid go to school in pajamas and carry a sack of the clothes to school. The kid can’t go out to recess until he is dressed. So what’s to stop the kid from waiting until recess everyday before putting his clothes on?
They say not to make your kids feel guilty, but remorse is good (147). The dictionary defines guilt as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” So they sound like synonyms to me!
174-175 When your child connects his chicken pox with permanent marker, just join in the fun instead of telling him it’s wrong. Something is only misbehavior when the child does it because s/he is feeling discouraged or wants to belong (175).
Conclusion: The book has good tips for things to try to trick your child into complying, but it doesn’t offer much good advice for what to do when the tricks fail or the child still misbehaves. As long as there is no consequence for repeated bad behavior, the child will learn that there is no reason to obey.
November 2, 2019
A friend recommended this book to me, or at least the 'Positive Discipline' series. On the plus side, the book is very easy to read and the aim of the book is exactly was I was looking for. The early chapters deal with development and personality traits of preschoolers, including the differences of attitudes based on birth order. So far so good. The first weakness of the book comes with the behavioural problems. I have experienced some of them with my boys, but the solutions suggested are much too vague to be of any use.
Throughout the book the authors keep repeating that children need love, encouragement, attention and hugs. That's all very well, but most people already know that, and that is not enough to solve a lot of common problems. For example, around the age of three, my eldest child started going to bed very late, and during a few months he wouldn't sleep until 11 pm to midnight. He would scream and cry for hours if forced to go to bed. We have tried everything, but nothing worked. Then suddenly, around the age of four, everything returned to normal, and he went to bed at reasonable hours all by himself. The same situation happened with the second boy, who always slept very easily until the age of two, and even asked to go to bed when he was tired. Within a few weeks he changed radically and we just couldn't get him to sleep until 11 pm. None of the methods in 'Positive Discipline' helped even a little bit. I think that there are just phases of development when children are more difficult to go to bed, seek undue attention or engage in power struggles. In my experience all of these have resolved by themselves without any change required in our behaviour towards the children. It's like adolescence. It comes and goes. Unfortunately the authors failed to admit that this was the case and basically say that if a child misbehaves it must be because the parents do something wrong. Since their only tips are to give them more love, attention, encouragement and hugs, they are making the parents feel guilty about no 'giving' enough, when in fact sometimes overprotected kids turn out to be the more problematic ones.
Furthermore, the authors are strongly opposed to television, computers and video games for preschoolers, explaining that it causes them to become more violent, limit their language development, and weaken their attention span. In my experience, all of this is false. My eldest boy watched in average one hour of TV per day since he was one year old and he now has an amazing attention span. He can concentrate for hours on drawing or solving puzzles. He is very well behaved (not violent) and has a large vocabulary for his age. He actually learned to read his first words by navigating video games menus at the age of three. The important thing is that children watch age-appropriate programmes that are both fun and educational. We don't let the kids watch the news or any adult programme. As for video games, there are plenty of them that aren't violent, like most sports game or Nickelodeon games for preschoolers. A recent study by the Max Planck Institute (Kühn et al., 2013, Mol Psychiatry) found that video games actually help brain development, increasing spatial orientation, memory formation, strategic planning and fine motor skills. People playing video games regularly have more grey matter and a bigger right cerebral hemisphere than people who never or rarely play. The authors are just not up-to-date with modern lifestyle and technologies, and reject what they don't know.
The other main criticism I have against this book is that they didn't bother to adapt it to the British or European market. This series has been translated in many languages, and adapted to the local culture along with the translation. But there isn't a British version. Most of the examples about food, age-appropriate tasks and choosing a preschool are so American that they are irrelevant and useless to non-American readers. There were also chapters that didn't apply to us, like preschoolers who still can't go on the potty, or how lonely parents should seek help with their church community. That only leaves half of the book dealing with interesting subjects, but unfortunately, not much in that half either that I didn't already know or that is actually useful.
Throughout the book the authors keep repeating that children need love, encouragement, attention and hugs. That's all very well, but most people already know that, and that is not enough to solve a lot of common problems. For example, around the age of three, my eldest child started going to bed very late, and during a few months he wouldn't sleep until 11 pm to midnight. He would scream and cry for hours if forced to go to bed. We have tried everything, but nothing worked. Then suddenly, around the age of four, everything returned to normal, and he went to bed at reasonable hours all by himself. The same situation happened with the second boy, who always slept very easily until the age of two, and even asked to go to bed when he was tired. Within a few weeks he changed radically and we just couldn't get him to sleep until 11 pm. None of the methods in 'Positive Discipline' helped even a little bit. I think that there are just phases of development when children are more difficult to go to bed, seek undue attention or engage in power struggles. In my experience all of these have resolved by themselves without any change required in our behaviour towards the children. It's like adolescence. It comes and goes. Unfortunately the authors failed to admit that this was the case and basically say that if a child misbehaves it must be because the parents do something wrong. Since their only tips are to give them more love, attention, encouragement and hugs, they are making the parents feel guilty about no 'giving' enough, when in fact sometimes overprotected kids turn out to be the more problematic ones.
Furthermore, the authors are strongly opposed to television, computers and video games for preschoolers, explaining that it causes them to become more violent, limit their language development, and weaken their attention span. In my experience, all of this is false. My eldest boy watched in average one hour of TV per day since he was one year old and he now has an amazing attention span. He can concentrate for hours on drawing or solving puzzles. He is very well behaved (not violent) and has a large vocabulary for his age. He actually learned to read his first words by navigating video games menus at the age of three. The important thing is that children watch age-appropriate programmes that are both fun and educational. We don't let the kids watch the news or any adult programme. As for video games, there are plenty of them that aren't violent, like most sports game or Nickelodeon games for preschoolers. A recent study by the Max Planck Institute (Kühn et al., 2013, Mol Psychiatry) found that video games actually help brain development, increasing spatial orientation, memory formation, strategic planning and fine motor skills. People playing video games regularly have more grey matter and a bigger right cerebral hemisphere than people who never or rarely play. The authors are just not up-to-date with modern lifestyle and technologies, and reject what they don't know.
The other main criticism I have against this book is that they didn't bother to adapt it to the British or European market. This series has been translated in many languages, and adapted to the local culture along with the translation. But there isn't a British version. Most of the examples about food, age-appropriate tasks and choosing a preschool are so American that they are irrelevant and useless to non-American readers. There were also chapters that didn't apply to us, like preschoolers who still can't go on the potty, or how lonely parents should seek help with their church community. That only leaves half of the book dealing with interesting subjects, but unfortunately, not much in that half either that I didn't already know or that is actually useful.
July 27, 2021
Every now and then I get the urge to be a better parent, and check out a positive parenting book. I'm hoping for some good ideas, but invariably I wind up wondering what universe the authors inhabit.
Taking your tantruming child and putting them in a space where they can scream until they're done and then come out -- this is BAD according to PP. However, walking away from your tantruming child and hiding in your room -- this is GOOD according to PP. I honestly don't see the difference from the child's perspective. In either case, you're abandoning them to tantrum without you.
The primary difference, from the adult perspective, is who controls whom. It's only a matter of time until the kid fakes a tantrum in the kitchen to get you to leave so that he can steal some cookies. Kids aren't stupid; some adults clearly are. The last time my 3yo threw a tantrum, it was while I was feeding him and his two siblings in the kitchen. Should I have walked away from all of them, including the baby in the high chair? Do I abort the baby's breakfast, to respect his older brother's self-expression? At some point in life, you just don't have time for this nonsense.
Same idea for Time In. The idea is that if your child is acting out, it's because they need you. So instead of putting them in time out to calm down and then rejoin polite society, you go sit with them, sooth them, and then both of you rejoin society together. This, they assure you, will in no way encourage your child to misbehave to get your attention. You should believe this, and also that I met a unicorn last night.
How does this work when your child smacked his brother? Obviously, he is competing with his brother for your attention, so... do you give him the attention he so craves? What about the crying brother? In that case, the PP approach is to sooth the attacked child without excoriating the aggressor. You should go shower the aggressor with attention after the victim is calm.
What if he attacked his brother to steal his toy, and now you are conveniently ignoring him while he plays with that toy? This scenario does not seem to be covered. Too complicated, and not enough parent to smear around.
My conclusion is that positive parenting is for people with only one child. It is such an involved and time-consuming approach that anyone who follows it will not be able to handle a second child, so these questions do not apply.
This book is not entirely without merit. The best part is where they highlight common issues kids have (not disciplinary ones, but related to independence, socialization, etc), what their root cause might be, and some positive ways to nudge the kid in the right direction. I still don't see anything in their suggestions that seems brilliant and effective, but I appreciate the analysis.
Taking your tantruming child and putting them in a space where they can scream until they're done and then come out -- this is BAD according to PP. However, walking away from your tantruming child and hiding in your room -- this is GOOD according to PP. I honestly don't see the difference from the child's perspective. In either case, you're abandoning them to tantrum without you.
The primary difference, from the adult perspective, is who controls whom. It's only a matter of time until the kid fakes a tantrum in the kitchen to get you to leave so that he can steal some cookies. Kids aren't stupid; some adults clearly are. The last time my 3yo threw a tantrum, it was while I was feeding him and his two siblings in the kitchen. Should I have walked away from all of them, including the baby in the high chair? Do I abort the baby's breakfast, to respect his older brother's self-expression? At some point in life, you just don't have time for this nonsense.
Same idea for Time In. The idea is that if your child is acting out, it's because they need you. So instead of putting them in time out to calm down and then rejoin polite society, you go sit with them, sooth them, and then both of you rejoin society together. This, they assure you, will in no way encourage your child to misbehave to get your attention. You should believe this, and also that I met a unicorn last night.
How does this work when your child smacked his brother? Obviously, he is competing with his brother for your attention, so... do you give him the attention he so craves? What about the crying brother? In that case, the PP approach is to sooth the attacked child without excoriating the aggressor. You should go shower the aggressor with attention after the victim is calm.
What if he attacked his brother to steal his toy, and now you are conveniently ignoring him while he plays with that toy? This scenario does not seem to be covered. Too complicated, and not enough parent to smear around.
My conclusion is that positive parenting is for people with only one child. It is such an involved and time-consuming approach that anyone who follows it will not be able to handle a second child, so these questions do not apply.
This book is not entirely without merit. The best part is where they highlight common issues kids have (not disciplinary ones, but related to independence, socialization, etc), what their root cause might be, and some positive ways to nudge the kid in the right direction. I still don't see anything in their suggestions that seems brilliant and effective, but I appreciate the analysis.
July 9, 2025
Very similar to the other Positive Discipline books but with extra situations, tips and tricks for the preschooler age group for parents and teachers.
choice notes
Belonging and significance are not the same
Belonging comes from a feeling of acceptance
Significance comes from skills and the ability to contribute.
If you help too much you rob the child of significance and they start thinking they can't.
For a young child a goal/product isn't the point. The process, the trip to the store, is the point, the colours and smells.
How do children learn? Research has confirmed that the academic learning is built on a foundation of social and emotional skills. This includes play and unstructured free play?
Children have to learn about their own feelings before they can empathise with others. Curiosity questions is a good way to develop this.chikdren who don't know what their emotions are doing often go to chaos and chaos is scary.
Mum had taught that her daughter can make choices that influence the outcome. Rather than rescuing then you teach them what they can do. Constant blame and rescuing leads to a victim mentality.
Other chodlren in the class deciddd they could use words and say when to stop. Teacher decided to see how these problems were solved and the agresaive child stopped.
Children's friendships are social skills laboratories.
If children are fighting try giving a big hug. I can see you're fighting for attention, try using your words next time.
Pre school simply expires children to more children and adults. At home he may redouble his effort for attention where the odds are more in favour.
Playing let's pretend - Teach skills.
Teach children to risk assess
Giving clear choices and following through
Sooner a routine is back in place the sooner a child will feel secure. Children with routines give consistency and self control and contributes to independence and lowers chace of later substance abuse.
Children may struggle with things that are genuinely difficult for them. ADHD doesn't appear overnight but don't try to self diagnose, 5-6 out of 10 people show sighs of this.
choice notes
Belonging and significance are not the same
Belonging comes from a feeling of acceptance
Significance comes from skills and the ability to contribute.
If you help too much you rob the child of significance and they start thinking they can't.
For a young child a goal/product isn't the point. The process, the trip to the store, is the point, the colours and smells.
How do children learn? Research has confirmed that the academic learning is built on a foundation of social and emotional skills. This includes play and unstructured free play?
Children have to learn about their own feelings before they can empathise with others. Curiosity questions is a good way to develop this.chikdren who don't know what their emotions are doing often go to chaos and chaos is scary.
Mum had taught that her daughter can make choices that influence the outcome. Rather than rescuing then you teach them what they can do. Constant blame and rescuing leads to a victim mentality.
Other chodlren in the class deciddd they could use words and say when to stop. Teacher decided to see how these problems were solved and the agresaive child stopped.
Children's friendships are social skills laboratories.
If children are fighting try giving a big hug. I can see you're fighting for attention, try using your words next time.
Pre school simply expires children to more children and adults. At home he may redouble his effort for attention where the odds are more in favour.
Playing let's pretend - Teach skills.
Teach children to risk assess
Giving clear choices and following through
Sooner a routine is back in place the sooner a child will feel secure. Children with routines give consistency and self control and contributes to independence and lowers chace of later substance abuse.
Children may struggle with things that are genuinely difficult for them. ADHD doesn't appear overnight but don't try to self diagnose, 5-6 out of 10 people show sighs of this.
July 8, 2021
While I do appreciate many of the tips and attitudes present in this book and would recommend it for a parent who needed an alternative to yelling, spanking, etc. or one who knew little about child development, it was basic to the extent that it quickly became clear I was not the target audience. The author explains that neurotransmitters are "special substances in the brain", for instance, and more than once lists out the senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing) in case we forgot them. I was 1/5 of the way through the book when I realized I hadn't yet learned anything or come across any new perspectives or information and decided to set it down.
To reiterate, most of the information is standard good practice and I'm in the minority in cases where I disagree, so I can't exactly call it a bad book, but I would not recommend it to any parent that's already reasonably educated on discipline and child development.
To reiterate, most of the information is standard good practice and I'm in the minority in cases where I disagree, so I can't exactly call it a bad book, but I would not recommend it to any parent that's already reasonably educated on discipline and child development.
July 2, 2019
Lots of good info on reasons for particular behaviors and positive ways to react to it, specifically for preschool age children. Helpful charts, and each chapter ends with "Questions to Ponder" related to the topic just covered. There was an entire chapter and portions in other places geared towards teachers and childcare professionals on issues that come up in those situations (how kids act around other kids and for a non-parent adult). The book also included chapters focused on sleep, food, potty training, picking childcare, special needs, and technology. I found the ideas to be helpful and have already implemented some with my 4 year old. The writing style was easy to understand and I felt had a positive tone.
I received an ARC of the revised 4th edition in exchange for an honest review.
I received an ARC of the revised 4th edition in exchange for an honest review.
June 22, 2019
The Positive Disciple books came highly recommended to me but I never got around to reading any. I was very excited to have the opportunity to read this one. I love that is book isn't about punishment, instead it looks into the child's development and provides techniques that help continue having a strong bond with your child. I also like how it has a section on parenting children with special needs. So many books provide techniques for children that are typically developing but nothing for those that have (or in my case work with) children with special needs. Overall I found this book very helpful and look forward to checking out more the the Positive Discipline books.
May 3, 2019
A wonderful book on how to respectfully parent and ways to discipline kids . Jane Nelsen also goes into detail about why kids behave certain way and how we can provide appropriate response under these situations. The approach and techniques struck the right notes and seemed practical to me . This is a book I will be going back to again and again as just one read is not enough to understand the nuances . Must read parenting book if you want to follow respectful parenting
January 29, 2020
I actually skipped a lot of parts in this book. It is very comprehensive and has detailed sections on common concerns when it comes to caring for a preschooler, like choosing a good daycare, potty training, use of technology, etc. The sections that were related to our situation, particularly the first half of the book about positive discipline were very insightful. A really good book for parents with kids aged 6 and below.
July 24, 2025
This one took a seriously long time because I was taking notes... And I'm seriously glad I did. No sooner did I note something down and I turned around to face it in my own daily life... Some of the info obviously can't apply to 2025 life and communities like mine that's steeped in prejudice... But in the safety of my own home, this had some amazing nuggets of wisdom that I find myself using on all my children, even my teen.
January 11, 2019
This book is absolutely invaluable for parents. Like with most parenting books, it seems common sense to do these things, but they can be so hard in practice. This book helps by providing constructive actions to take and example scenarios. I'll definitely be booking up the others as my daughter gets older.
February 1, 2019
I enjoyed this book- it was easy to read and full of good strategies and parenting philosophy. I like that they discussed showing children respect as a way of modeling the respect they should give others and the way they include even young children in making decisions for the family and themselves.
December 17, 2021
Great book, some of the advice is kind of new to me and different from other books I've read but feel more realistic and applicable to my life. A different version of this book was recommended to me by a friend and I can't thank her enough. I will also be reading the generic non-age-specific one soon. That's how much I liked it.
November 19, 2017
I think this is a great intro to positive discipline, but if you've read any other parenting book on this method before, this won't give you anything new. So, not especially helpful for me, but I'm glad it exists in the world.
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