The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals

by Stephanie Brill, Rachel Pepper

This comprehensive first of its kind guidebook explores the unique challenges that thousands of families face every day raising their children in every city and state. Through extensive research and interviews, as well as years of experience working in the field, the authors cover gender variance from birth through college. What do you do when your toddler daughter's first sentence is that she's a boy? What will happen when your preschool son insists on wearing a dress to school? Is this ever just a phase? How can you explain this to your neighbors and family? How can parents advocate for their children in elementary schools? What are the current laws on the rights of transgender children? What do doctors specializing in gender variant children recommend? What do the therapists say? What advice do other families who have trans kids have? What about hormone blockers and surgery? What issues should your college-bound trans child be thinking about when selecting a school? How can I best raise my gender variant or transgender child with love and compassion, even when I barely understand the issues ahead of us? And what is gender, anyway? These questions and more are answered in this book offering a deeper understanding of gender variant and transgender children and teens.

Genres: Nonfiction, Gender, LGBT, Parenting, Psychology, Transgender, Queer

270 pages, Paperback

First published June 3, 2008

Reviews

[Práxedes Rivera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full disclosure: my fifteen-year-old nephew is a trans-boy, so this was a way for me to understand his new life choice and what it means to those who are undergoing this transition. He is a great kid, a churchgoing straight A student, and an athlete...basically a boy like any other except that anatomically he was born a girl.

This book is a terrific introduction to a phenomenon that is sweeping the news media today. The authors' skill lies in explaining difficult concepts in an easy to understand way. The strong advocacy and protection of transgender rights is touching and consistent; one walks away from this book wanting to do something to increase awareness and acceptance of this small and relatively misunderstood segment of our society.

I will order this book for my Library's Professional Development section so that teachers, counselors, and administrators have a reference for any current/future students who are undergoing this transformation.

[Annie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a great book for sh!tty people. The authors of this book are very gentle and understanding of parents' extreme transphobia. They validate parents' feelings of shame and disgust at their own children. They do this to help nudge transphobic parents into being slightly less transphobic without risking alienating them. This book is probably an extremely valuable and important resource for transphobic parents who want to love their trans children but are currently failing at doing so.

In other words: if someone you know (or maybe this person is you!) is having a very hard time accepting their trans child and is instead stuck in their own misplaced grief or is feeling disgust or shame or is hoping their child isn't actually trans or is not yet willing to allow their child to be themself or thinks being trans is abnormal etc., etc., etc., this book would be an invaluable resource to help them reduce the harm they are currently causing their child. This book has the potential to help transphobic parents be less transphobic. I do not, however, recommend this book for parents who already love and accept their trans children and are striving to raise their children of all genders in an environment of liberation, celebration, and joy. If you already love and accept and celebrate your trans child's full self, you are already worlds ahead of where this book nudges parents to go.

As a trans person myself, this book was extremely difficult/painful to read, and I decided to stop reading about halfway through because of that. Hearing quote after quote from transphobic parents being validated (and then very gently nudged towards improvement) was a painful experience. Seeing the authors - self-proclaimed gender experts - get some basics wrong (such as their insistence that being non-binary is always a completely different thing from being trans, for example) was annoying to say the least.

But the reality is, our world is full of sh!tty, transphobic parents, and this book could be an invaluable resource for those who want to figure out how to love their trans child despite their own transphobia.

[Mack · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm giving this four stars though I personally lean towards 3-3.5. It seemed to me like the entire first half of the book aimed to teach parents not to bully and abuse their children. This section didn't really resonate with me and was very hard for me to read, but I recognize that it is sadly necessary in a book of this nature. I do appreciate that the authors come from a place of no judgment and meeting all parents wherever they may be. I hope many parents take their advice.

For me personally, it was drawn-out and repetitive. Maybe it's a lesson many parents need to hear more than once. I can be okay with that and rate it highly for what it aims to do for the market it's reaching out to.

The rest of the book was informative and pretty helpful. I especially appreciate the sections on dealing with schools and medical issues. The book answered many questions I had about medical procedures in a way that was easy for me to understand, and that's one of the things I was very much looking for.

Despite not particularly digging a large chunk, I may still invest in this book just to have or lend out. There are tons of great references shared throughout, and I would love to further educate myself. All in all, this is a great overview. I would definitely recommend it, especially for loved ones or professionals who are unfamiliar with transgender issues.

[Stefanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

"It takes a particularly brave and courageous child to continue to assert their truth, a truth that runs counter to the mainstream. These gender-variant and transgender children-often intelligent, artistic, and sensitive kids-are doing just that. Their inner integrity guides them. They struggle over and over again to show the world who they are. All they ask is to be themselves."

This is an important book, and one that I think that should be required reading for everyone, but especially anyone who works children.

[Laura Rueckert · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Transgender Child is an excellent introductory book for parents and professionals! The version I bought is 52 pages longer than GoodReads says. Maybe a newer version with more added?

[Kim Pallister · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for anyone with a trans kid in their life, who's looking for a crash course on many facets of their transition (personal, physical, legal, medical...).

[Bookphile · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is packed with useful information, which is a little problematic because I didn't think it touched on some topics in enough depth. It's an excellent guide for such things as dealing with problems at school, how to help a transgender child choose a college, etc., but there's not much information on how parents and other adults should appropriately respond to a child's assertions of their gender. The book notes some of what children will say that indicates they may be transgender or gender-variant, but it doesn't provide information as to how adults can respond in positive ways that will also help the adult to get a better feel for how the child looks at their gender identity. That's obviously a broad topic that can't be covered in a single book, but some tips for common situations would have been welcome.

Still, this book is a very handy reference with extensive lists of websites, fictional books depicting transgender and gender-variant characters, and organizations to help parents, teachers, and family members navigate these waters.

[Joshua Lawson]

This book was my first formal reading in the field of transgender studies, and I honestly can't say whether it increased my understanding or just added to the confusion. Actually, that is not true. I did gain a better grasp of the various terms and core concepts related to gender identity as it is understood today. But as for understanding the nature of the struggle itself, I'm still not sure. I realize this is a sensitive issue for many people, though, so I won't venture to opine about things of which I know very little at this point.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most heartbreaking element of reading this book in 2025 is the drastic way that the political landscape has made many of the authors' revisions (from 2021) moot, as laws protecting trans youth from discrimination are continually being rolled back. Otherwise, this is an amazing resource for anyone who loves and/or works with trans youth and their families.

[Iñaki]

decidí dejarlo en la página 32 porque es un libro prestado y lo quiero rayar. me lo van a cobrar en la biblioteca así que... buscalibre ahí voy!

[Aaron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Concerning gender identity and gender presentation, there are few all-encompassing publications whose primary currency is their accessibility. No matter how presumably new or modern the social consciousness of articulating the legal rights, medical privacies, or public spaces afforded to individuals who are gender-variant, the fact remains that educating the greater public while at the same time educating interconnected family members and professional clinicians is a daunting task. Fortunately, THE TRANSGENDER CHILD accepts this challenge, and in doing so, accomplishes much in the way of providing individuals a valuable resource as the world moves forward.

The question, therefore, is not wither the need for a handbook that aids families and professionals in guiding their gender-variant children; rather, the question regards whether such a feat is even possible. The dynamics are immense. And in today's social climate, ever-changing. How do parents navigate a young child's emotional response to adult indecision? How do doctors and physicians address topics for which they are not sufficiently trained? How do education professionals compartmentalize concerns for safety when their plates are already so incredibly full, each and every school day?

Brill and Pepper cover a lot of ground -- some of it superficially, some of it more dynamically -- but for those adults in a position to make a positive difference in the life of a queer kid, it's all worth reading in detail. Key sections include discussion of affirmative versus damaging parenting practices; navigating private and public disclosure; working to instill change within the local education system; and most critically, conversations about adult acceptance: "Most parents of gender-variant children and teens come to realize that what must really be overcome is their own fear and expectations, rather than something that is inherently wrong with their child" (p. 75).

THE TRANSGENDER CHILD doesn't touch too deeply on issues concerning religion, culture, and race, each of which significantly impact how families or communities react to the presence of a gender-variant child. Likewise, the book sidesteps forceful recommendations for challenging institutional authorities that rebuke the child, and instead casually conceives of a "do everything you can" mentality. The tone of the book is genial and warm, but there will surely be occasions in which one cannot help but find that asking nicely just won't cut it. If existing social paradigms don't care about the child's health, then parents need to get tough.

All in all, the book's emphasis on making patient, informed decisions is invaluable. So too are the authors' genuine acknowledgement of the "learning curve" necessary for parents or other authority figures to smartly and adequately fulfill the needs of the child in their care. Indeed, this is the book's most important lesson: love inspires action.

[Emilie Maierhofer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful for parents. Top tip: love the child in front of you, today.

[Emily VA · Rating 4 out of 5]

Update: reborrowed the audiobook and finished it. Still impressed by the range of pragmatic issues addresses. Still wish for an updated version.

This is a bit tricky to review for two reasons: 1) my audiobook from the library stopped working at 75% and 2) 2008 feels a very long time ago when it comes to transgender kids and their rights.

This book is thoroughly grounded in research (as of 2008), and benefits from lots of pragmatic experience on the authors’ part in working with kids, families, and schools. It’s advice to parents and other caregivers is very pragmatic, which I admire. And it has a good, strong emphasis on how to work with schools, families, and communities to best support transgender children.

It also spends a lot of time making the point that parents of transgender children shouldn’t physically abuse, mock, or shame them. And that such lack of family acceptance is a big determinant in bad outcomes for transgender kids. Which, true, and sadly probably still necessary in some communities and cultures. But… probably not the default approach for most folks who would pick up this book today.

[Suzy Waters · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be very informative and interesting. It was not full of jargon and is appropriate for anyone who wants to develop a greater understanding of transgender issues.

[Elaine · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have spent a fair amount of time reading up on trans-related topics, and this book didn't really tell me anything I didn't know already. I think this book could be helpful for someone who doesn't really understand trans issue; however, a lot of the language it uses is dated and is not the terms that are currently accepted, so people would want to supplement with other information. The first half of the book is dedicated to trying to convince parents to accept their trans kids and let them express themselves, and advocates a lot of regrettably restrictive half measures as stopgaps (e.g. letting your child dress how they want but only at home). If you already accept trans people as valid and aren't heartbroken about the prospect of your child being trans, you can probably skip most of this section and not really miss anything. The second half is dedicated to discussing advocating for the trans child in the community, school, medical settings, etc. and would probably be helpful to someone who didn't know much about these topics, but personally I found a lot of this information kind of obvious.

There are worse starting places if you know nothing about the topic, but there are probably also better ones, but I don't know offhand what they are because I'm not an expert on the topic of "what are good Trans 101 reads for cis people". (I think most people either already know, or they aggressively don't want to know.) So as of now I would only recommend this with significant caveats.

[Amy Layton · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about ten years old, but that doesn’t make it any less useful. This book is jam packed with resources, anecdotes, and supportive words. This book is for trans knowledgeable families as well as those who have no idea what they’re doing, and it shows with how the chapters are broken down. The first chapter is filled with vocabulary that will be used throughout the book and are useful to know in terms of your child. Then, from there, Brill and Pepper tackle the hard subjects of what to do in terms of your child’s educational facility, neighbors, legal systems, and medical systems.

Everything the authors said boils down to a few things: Let your child take the lead. Do not vocalize your embarrassment or shame. Support your child. Set boundaries if you must, but make sure they are a reasonable compromise across all members of your family.

It had been a while since I’d read something under the “feminism” umbrella, and I was glad that this was the book I chose. It aided me in further deconstructing my perceived notions of trans and nonbinary folks, and I’m more than pleased to know that I have one more title in my “feminist toolbox” to reference.

Get the full review here!

[Jostalady · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very well researched and gender positive resource! I have been looking at how to support a young person who is genderqueer and am very happy this book covered that area very well.

Thank you for writing this!

Some big take aways are to get everyone around on board and educated. If they can't, it is ok to distance ourselves from them. An example was a grandparent that was cut out of a child's life.
To have someone important in our lives reject or make harmful comments toward or about our loved one, is tremendously damaging and the harm lasts a lifetime.

There are practical tips for using the correct pronouns, especially when recounting old memories before the change in pronouns and even about how to handle photos from before with sensitivity to the individual's preferences.

I highly recommend this book!

[Molly Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the BEST book I have read that really addresses all the layers and things to consider when it comes to family members transitioning. I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to be better educated about the topic. Yes, it’s very parent-child focused. But I still found myself finding any-relationship-relevant anecdote quotes on every other page. And it’s a fantastic resource for having a better idea of what gender-affirming health care professionals are considering when providing support and care for transgender and gender diverse patients. I think it does a great job addressing what to consider when it comes to how you handle it as a family and how you stay involved in your schools and local community regardless of what decisions families make for themselves.

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that is not heavily jargon based and what is jargon is explained in an easy to understand speech. I listened to this through audiobook and found the narrator gave a well-done performance. The pros of this book are that it is easy to understand. A Con is that it has goals that seem at this day in age impossible to achieve based on society today, like have kids being taught gender at a young age. Another pro of the book is that the focus is both on the parent and child. The parents are expressed to see that they are not blamed for the origin of somehow causing a trans kid and children who are trans are expressed to just themselves no matter what.

[Chante Bagley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not incredibly informational for the a queer person, but for a cisgender/heterosexual parent this book would be fantastic. The terms used are easy to understand and the book does delve deeper than "gender and sex or not the same thing." I would recommend this as a tool for questioning parents and plan to do so as a teacher.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good overview of the topic, published in 2008, when there was a lot less information and awareness of gender issues (although I remember 2 Head Start kids I still wonder about...) This book would have been helpful then, probably a decade before this was written. Good explanation of interventions and legal issues, although unfortunately it has not been forward progress only since then.

[Lin Bill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super informative book. It’s a no frills explanation of what to expect while raising a transgender or gender-fluid child with plenty of quotes from other people who are living with the challenges and joys of parenting.
I would recommend this to anyone curious about transgender people and definitely to parents.

[Katie E · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is not evidence based nor does it cite any empirical evidence. There are no footnotes or works cited. This is all purely the author’s opinions. Why would we listen to this? Wake up people! The authors just keep repeating that if you don’t accept your child’s identity then they will commit suicide.

[Becky Jo · Rating 3 out of 5]

A large portion of what the author purports as truth and science are nothing more than anecdotal deductions based and the limited research there really is about this. I wish it had been more evidence based.

[Nicole VanderLinden · Rating 5 out of 5]

great for anyone raising/working with children to read, regardless of identity

[Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very helpful at this stage of my parenting journey. Lots of relevant information. The version I read was a bit outdated and some medical advice/limitations didn’t apply in Canada.

[Brenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent primer for families who want to learn how to best support their gender diverse children. Does not discuss causes so if you're looking for that, this is not the book.

[Angela Mayhew-groves · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book. My youngest, 16, came out January 2017, as a trans boy. This is a wonderful book. It helped me tremendously to understand. Thank you!

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on the science and social components of growing up gender fluid, gender variant, or trans.

[Brenden Gill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative and helpful!