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Terrible Old Games
Terrible Old Games You've Probably Never Heard Of
In Terrible Old Games You've Probably Never Heard Of, Stuart Ashen has created a collection of hilarious and damning reviews of some of the most bizarre, frustrating, pointless and downright terrible video games ever made. And he would know. . . he's played them all.
Dripping with wry humour and featuring the best, worst graphics from the games themselves, this book encapsulates the atrocities produced in the days of tight budgets and low quality controls. These are the most appalling games that ever leaked from the industry's tear ducts and have long since been (rightly) relegated to the dusty shelves of history.
Welcome to a world of games you never knew existed. You will probably wish you still didn't.
Dripping with wry humour and featuring the best, worst graphics from the games themselves, this book encapsulates the atrocities produced in the days of tight budgets and low quality controls. These are the most appalling games that ever leaked from the industry's tear ducts and have long since been (rightly) relegated to the dusty shelves of history.
Welcome to a world of games you never knew existed. You will probably wish you still didn't.
327 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 3, 2015
42 people are currently reading
243 people want to read
About the author
Stuart Ashen
3 books23 followersStuart Ashen makes videos for YouTube and writes comedy scripts and sometimes acts in things. He lives in Norwich, in a house filled with all sorts of useless items that he tells himself he needs for work.
He is obsessed with old video games and things that aren't quite good enough for their intended purpose. On his YouTube channel he reviews the best of the worst tat that the world has to offer, showing an equal amount of commitment and enthusiasm for both. He has produced over 440 YouTube videos over an eight-year period.
He is obsessed with old video games and things that aren't quite good enough for their intended purpose. On his YouTube channel he reviews the best of the worst tat that the world has to offer, showing an equal amount of commitment and enthusiasm for both. He has produced over 440 YouTube videos over an eight-year period.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
December 7, 2015
Way too short, functional look at the world of nascent video gaming.
This book is not without its charms. A few times I laughed and giggled at the competent, self-deprecating, journalistic style of writing, and it reminded me hugely of reading Computer and Video Games, Your Sinclair and Sinclair User magazines in the 80s, poring through the reviews to find a game I could buy that wasn't broken or awful. The author is clearly a pretty funny, geeky guy, and I wanted to keep reading.
At 55% the book ends abruptly, the rest of it devoted to the names of the backers as per usual Unbound protocol (Unbound is a crowd-sourcing publishing house), my own included. This was as disappointing as the lamentable games reviewed. WAY TOO SHORT. There is no coherent theme bringing these games together either, rather they are just games picked by the author, and it therefore is too personal a guide: it states that widely-acknowledged terrible games like ET would not be mentioned, but I kind of think you HAVE to include a section on them, otherwise the book is merely a memoir - which by the way, the Unbound model of publishing seems to encourage hugely, and which by the way, I do not enjoy: See Rose Bretecher's "Pure", promising a personal look at a unique mental health issue, delivering a weak memoir nobody could possibly be interested in.
There are contributions from other people you won't have heard of in this book too, but they are short and poorly-written for the most part, as if the contributors banged out their vignettes in five minutes. There was one exception, the high point of the book for me, a short piece on working for a game company in the 80s by a graphic designer: more of this please; less of the random person picking a game they didn't like and then explaining in no more than 20 words that they didn't like it "because it was bad."
This book was buggy on my various Kindles too. Not suited to the original Kindle due to colour graphics, and poorly formatted on my iPad Kindle app.
The book, while fairly enjoyable for video game enthusiasts, is true to the form of the games described within: promised much on the cover, delivered too little, and not thoroughly quality tested.
This book is not without its charms. A few times I laughed and giggled at the competent, self-deprecating, journalistic style of writing, and it reminded me hugely of reading Computer and Video Games, Your Sinclair and Sinclair User magazines in the 80s, poring through the reviews to find a game I could buy that wasn't broken or awful. The author is clearly a pretty funny, geeky guy, and I wanted to keep reading.
At 55% the book ends abruptly, the rest of it devoted to the names of the backers as per usual Unbound protocol (Unbound is a crowd-sourcing publishing house), my own included. This was as disappointing as the lamentable games reviewed. WAY TOO SHORT. There is no coherent theme bringing these games together either, rather they are just games picked by the author, and it therefore is too personal a guide: it states that widely-acknowledged terrible games like ET would not be mentioned, but I kind of think you HAVE to include a section on them, otherwise the book is merely a memoir - which by the way, the Unbound model of publishing seems to encourage hugely, and which by the way, I do not enjoy: See Rose Bretecher's "Pure", promising a personal look at a unique mental health issue, delivering a weak memoir nobody could possibly be interested in.
There are contributions from other people you won't have heard of in this book too, but they are short and poorly-written for the most part, as if the contributors banged out their vignettes in five minutes. There was one exception, the high point of the book for me, a short piece on working for a game company in the 80s by a graphic designer: more of this please; less of the random person picking a game they didn't like and then explaining in no more than 20 words that they didn't like it "because it was bad."
This book was buggy on my various Kindles too. Not suited to the original Kindle due to colour graphics, and poorly formatted on my iPad Kindle app.
The book, while fairly enjoyable for video game enthusiasts, is true to the form of the games described within: promised much on the cover, delivered too little, and not thoroughly quality tested.
December 4, 2015
Good humor book, especially for Ashens fans: the writing is very conversational and reads very much like one of his famous video reviews. Wisely, the games selected are not just terrible but terrible for funny reasons (such as the game about a bionic granny walloping children with her umbrella for no reason) and it includes interviews with several industry figures and a brief discussion of the games industry at the time. Some of them even have some digging into the history of the games and the reason for the problems with them - I'd have liked to see more of this, but since this is a humor book rather than a documentary it's hard to complain about. The only real flaw? It's a bit short, and the reviews spend perhaps a bit too much time on relatively generic comments about how bad the games are ("when you come to play it you'll wish you were doing literally anything else") Other than that, this is a great Christmas book for the retrogamer or Ashens fan.
December 10, 2015
I'm a fan of YouTube and all-round internet celeb Ashens and it was impossible not to read this in his sardonic tones.
It avoided the usual terrible videogame punch bags such as 'ET' and 'Superman 64' which was refreshing. Instead concentrating on obscure British computer games which may have only cost a couple of pounds, but still stabbed the hapless buyer with a jagged 8-bit knife of disappointment. As the dreaded realisation hit that you'd spent your meagre pocket money on an unplayable pup of a cassette. yes, I've been there, done that...
What was in the book was very enjoyable, with the poor targets providing many laughs and a few guest writers chipping in too. The problem was that it was a slim volume and was all over very quickly. I was having great fun and then it was finished. Leave the crowd wanting more I guess.
I hope Mr. Ashen writes another volume, or ten, I'll certainly be onboard, but a little more content per load would be lovely.
It avoided the usual terrible videogame punch bags such as 'ET' and 'Superman 64' which was refreshing. Instead concentrating on obscure British computer games which may have only cost a couple of pounds, but still stabbed the hapless buyer with a jagged 8-bit knife of disappointment. As the dreaded realisation hit that you'd spent your meagre pocket money on an unplayable pup of a cassette. yes, I've been there, done that...
What was in the book was very enjoyable, with the poor targets providing many laughs and a few guest writers chipping in too. The problem was that it was a slim volume and was all over very quickly. I was having great fun and then it was finished. Leave the crowd wanting more I guess.
I hope Mr. Ashen writes another volume, or ten, I'll certainly be onboard, but a little more content per load would be lovely.
December 5, 2025
Must read for gamers
This review is for the Kindle version. 4.5 stars.
I'm not an avid gamer, but I enjoyed reading these entries and looking them up on YouTube to verify that the games were indeed horrible. The knowledge and perspectives offer some history and background of the industry in the 80s and 90s.
And of course, there's a bunch of Ashens humor scattered throughout. Guest authors make their own contributions in some chapters, so there may be writing differences and typos. But hey, It's a project of love.
It also includes a tiny but excellent choose-your-own-path text adventure. A big chunk of the book at the back was Unbound and supporter thank yous.
Already bought the next book, Flickering Skeletons!
This review is for the Kindle version. 4.5 stars.
I'm not an avid gamer, but I enjoyed reading these entries and looking them up on YouTube to verify that the games were indeed horrible. The knowledge and perspectives offer some history and background of the industry in the 80s and 90s.
And of course, there's a bunch of Ashens humor scattered throughout. Guest authors make their own contributions in some chapters, so there may be writing differences and typos. But hey, It's a project of love.
It also includes a tiny but excellent choose-your-own-path text adventure. A big chunk of the book at the back was Unbound and supporter thank yous.
Already bought the next book, Flickering Skeletons!
May 23, 2018
A book with potentially interesting idea, hindered by its short length and poor formatting. The list of games is rather small compared to similar books, entertaining reviews of Stuart Ashen are constantly interrupted by rather underwhelming "Disappointing games" segment by variety of guest authors, several entries on fake games aren't particularly funny, and on top of that, it just ends abruptly around the second half, presenting the list of backers that takes around 1/3 of the whole book. A decent read for a couple hours, but definitely doesn't justify its price.
December 27, 2024
I have a funny story about this book that I guess I’ll tell here. When I first saw the cover with its super simple pixelated deer and trees I thought it was Pixel art made for the book cover, I was a extremely shocked when I learned that it was an actual screenshot from a game that you could buy. Which now that I think of it most of the games reviewed in this book almost feel like parodies of games, like a clone of space invaders, but the aliens move so slowly that it’s basically impossible to lose, or a game where most of the screen is just taken up by the color green, or heck a game where your character walks at the speed of a slug, it’s all here and it’s all real.
This is a really fun read that really leaves you wanting more. I liked the part of the book where it showed you how these games were bad even if you viewed them from when they first released. It’s probably the best book related to games I’ve read so far.
This is a really fun read that really leaves you wanting more. I liked the part of the book where it showed you how these games were bad even if you viewed them from when they first released. It’s probably the best book related to games I’ve read so far.
January 26, 2016
I like Ashens's channel, and you could definitely hear his voice in the writing, which was good. Enjoyable book about games that, true to the title, I'd never heard of (for the most part). Bought the kindle edition, based on book content alone would give it four stars, but if I could I would give it 3.5 stars as there as several formatting errors in the Kindle version and also, too many pages of backer names, with a single column for each page, when there probably could have been three columns per page making a lot less pages and not fooling you into thinking you had more genuine book left.
Read
February 13, 2016Self-explanatory book which more than once caused me to laugh to the point of physical incapacity. The sort of volume ideal for leaving by the loo, except that I only have it on ebook so that would be a terrible idea. I understand the author to be some manner of YouTube celeb; I've never really grasped the appeal of watching someone I don't already know talk about stuff, rather than simply reading an article, but he's bloody good at knowing how best to mix deadpan, hyperbole, and damning screenshots.
December 26, 2016
What's second only to playing classic video games, reading about the them of course, even better if the reviews are funny and interspersed with interesting industry snippets. I grew up with the Commodore 64 and Vic 20 so these awful games were a real trip down memory lane. This was a fun quick read, and recommended for anyone with even a vague interest in gaming history
December 21, 2015
Does what it says on the cover, I honestly never heard of any of the games listed and from their descriptions they sound terrible.
An honest book with the added bonus of being written by Ashens.
An honest book with the added bonus of being written by Ashens.
January 2, 2016
This a (mostly) well-written book. However, it is very short for the money and author's style gets quite old near the end. I'm a fan of Ashens but I recommend you stay on his YouTube channel.
May 10, 2024
Rare thing to say about a book, but this should have been a youtube video.
May 23, 2018
I have a hard time with this one. On one hand, it's great learning about all these terrible games I have indeed never heard of before. Each entry is written in an entertaining way, giving facts about these games's release, how they were made, how they play, and how reviewers looked at them at the time (if the even did). But there are two big problems that really hamper this book.
While it's not a boring read by any stretch, it's also not funny. I find Stuart Ashen hit or miss in his videos - he often finds interesting objects to talk about, and when he has something good, you can see it inspires him. But whenever he's not inspired, it shows. He'll often repeat jokes or just shout at something like so many angry boys on the internet shouting about video games. That's pretty much the case with this book as well, it's just not funny. Throughout reading the entire thing, I didn't so much as chuckle. None of the attempted humor was cringe-worthy, mind, it just fell flat.
The bigger problem is that there's no reason for this to be a book, in fact, it only barely works as a book at all. Terrible Old Games You Probably Never Heard Of began as a series of videos, and that medium works so much better for this kind of thing - both because Ashen is more used to it and does it more naturally, and because you can actually see the games he's talking about in action, and don't have to settle for a couple of screenshots and brief descriptions.
This book would have worked much better if it detailed more of Ashen's personal stories with these games. Maybe spending more time talking about his childhood with these, or his more recent attempts at playing them, giving some amusing anecdotes about how frustrated he got or maybe how he actually kind of enjoyed some of these games. Instead, he goes for more of a clinical autopsy, and while that works fine, again, I'm not sure that was the best route to take.
Still, there are some amusing write-ups, some interesting interviews and guest-written entries that are better written. This is one of the most difficult books to review, because while good, you can tell it had the potential to be great, it just doesn't quite get there.
While it's not a boring read by any stretch, it's also not funny. I find Stuart Ashen hit or miss in his videos - he often finds interesting objects to talk about, and when he has something good, you can see it inspires him. But whenever he's not inspired, it shows. He'll often repeat jokes or just shout at something like so many angry boys on the internet shouting about video games. That's pretty much the case with this book as well, it's just not funny. Throughout reading the entire thing, I didn't so much as chuckle. None of the attempted humor was cringe-worthy, mind, it just fell flat.
The bigger problem is that there's no reason for this to be a book, in fact, it only barely works as a book at all. Terrible Old Games You Probably Never Heard Of began as a series of videos, and that medium works so much better for this kind of thing - both because Ashen is more used to it and does it more naturally, and because you can actually see the games he's talking about in action, and don't have to settle for a couple of screenshots and brief descriptions.
This book would have worked much better if it detailed more of Ashen's personal stories with these games. Maybe spending more time talking about his childhood with these, or his more recent attempts at playing them, giving some amusing anecdotes about how frustrated he got or maybe how he actually kind of enjoyed some of these games. Instead, he goes for more of a clinical autopsy, and while that works fine, again, I'm not sure that was the best route to take.
Still, there are some amusing write-ups, some interesting interviews and guest-written entries that are better written. This is one of the most difficult books to review, because while good, you can tell it had the potential to be great, it just doesn't quite get there.
December 28, 2017
I approached this book fearing that it would list several of my personal favourite games from the 80s only to tear them apart but then I realised that the home computer I owned at the time didn't actually have any games available for it (apart from write in games which were far more fun anyway) so I could take full enjoyment of all these Spectrum, Commodore and Amstrad owners being ripped off by unscrupulous developers and publishing houses.
To be fair most (but not all) of the games listed here exist in better versions for other systems and generally don't work because they are lazy ports from different operating systems but in any case there are some brilliant funny deconstructions with my personal favourites being those of Battle Probe - "more orange than a clownfish addicted to fake tanning lotion" - and SQIJ - a game that forces the keyboard to keep caps lock on but only accepts instructions in lower case.
The best bits are the interview with those involved in the games industry in various ways where they tell of the worst game they ever bought which has the effect of humanising the whole thing and makes one realise that bad games can happen to anyone, though in several cases the bad game experience is also credited with what led to them getting involved in the industry in the first place so at least something good came from it all.
Interesting and amusing read.
To be fair most (but not all) of the games listed here exist in better versions for other systems and generally don't work because they are lazy ports from different operating systems but in any case there are some brilliant funny deconstructions with my personal favourites being those of Battle Probe - "more orange than a clownfish addicted to fake tanning lotion" - and SQIJ - a game that forces the keyboard to keep caps lock on but only accepts instructions in lower case.
The best bits are the interview with those involved in the games industry in various ways where they tell of the worst game they ever bought which has the effect of humanising the whole thing and makes one realise that bad games can happen to anyone, though in several cases the bad game experience is also credited with what led to them getting involved in the industry in the first place so at least something good came from it all.
Interesting and amusing read.
October 1, 2022
Pretty much says exactly what it is, Stuart has compiled a bunch of Terrible old games you've never heard of, from Devices you've probably never heard of and does a mini review of how bad they are via screenshots of the actual game and descriptions of the gameplay experience (or lack thereof!). Some space is also given to other contributors' worst games, one of which was Outrun for ZX Spectrum, which I used to own at one point and I echo their sentiments! especially when it comes screenshots on the back of the Game Cassette boxes not quite looking like the game you've just bought!
Stuart Ashen's dry wit & humour is ever-present, really appreciate the little extra things included, such as the game in question's original selling price and box art.
Really enjoyable book, however some may feel that some of their favourite systems' awful games were left out, as the vast number of terrible games in this book are from the Micro Computers which were strangely much more preferred over games consoles for a time in the UK, although this is only his first book, so perhaps there will be more included in his second book, which I'm undoubtedly going to read.
Stuart Ashen's dry wit & humour is ever-present, really appreciate the little extra things included, such as the game in question's original selling price and box art.
Really enjoyable book, however some may feel that some of their favourite systems' awful games were left out, as the vast number of terrible games in this book are from the Micro Computers which were strangely much more preferred over games consoles for a time in the UK, although this is only his first book, so perhaps there will be more included in his second book, which I'm undoubtedly going to read.
January 13, 2018
This is a hell of a niche, but one that Stuart Ashen can fill admirably. He and his cohorts describe some of the most downright deplorable games available for the ZX Spectrum and other home computers that were popular in Europe in the '80s and early '90s. Being a fan of his YouTube channel, I read this thinking there couldn't be a subject more suited to Ashen's wheelhouse.
If you like his videos or you're a huge fan of video games looking for something fun and unusual, this is an affordable book that doesn't overstay its welcome. Frankly I found myself reading one item a night so as to make the book last longer, it was that fun to read. I wished it were five times longer, so naturally I can't wait to grab the sequel. If you like games and you like laughing, get this.
If you like his videos or you're a huge fan of video games looking for something fun and unusual, this is an affordable book that doesn't overstay its welcome. Frankly I found myself reading one item a night so as to make the book last longer, it was that fun to read. I wished it were five times longer, so naturally I can't wait to grab the sequel. If you like games and you like laughing, get this.
January 27, 2019
Clearly if you're reading this you're a fan of Ashens! And obviously it's the case with me. I stumbled on Stuart's channel quite some years ago (2011 or 2012) and went along the ride, one of my all time favorite Youtubers, Anyway. Lovely book, totally enjoyed it. I like the large screenshots and charecter frames. Never knew that Ashen once made a video game! It's quite an interesting good game especially considering that when he started developing it he was just a kid. Looking forward to reading the second book.
July 22, 2022
One of the best 'coffee table' books that I have ever read, if not the best. It had me laughing out loud many times.
whilst still packed with detail, the games discussed are split into nice, reasonable sized sections so the book can be read in short bursts, something which is beneficial to a slower reader like myself.
I've noticed a few people complaining about the pages at the back containing the names of the people that donated to help fund this book, but the book is still rammed with content.
whilst still packed with detail, the games discussed are split into nice, reasonable sized sections so the book can be read in short bursts, something which is beneficial to a slower reader like myself.
I've noticed a few people complaining about the pages at the back containing the names of the people that donated to help fund this book, but the book is still rammed with content.
November 26, 2022
A funny and concise little book with plenty funny lines and images, very nicely laid out presented it's a lovely little oddity to have on your bookshelf. However, I think you'll get more out of this if you're a child of the 80s or have at least a reasonable understanding of the basics of programming and the technology of the time. A lot of the references pass me by but found it enjoyable nevertheless.
A fun little read but definitely more for a niche audience.
A fun little read but definitely more for a niche audience.
October 6, 2025
The title is on the money, I don't think I'd ever heard of any of these, barring two or three exceptions. Each game had its own blurb across a couple of pages at most, there were plenty of screenshots along with reviews and version differences where applicable.
Interesting, brief, and entertaining for sure. I'll have to pick up the next volume as time allows.
Interesting, brief, and entertaining for sure. I'll have to pick up the next volume as time allows.
November 19, 2018
This book is a bit of garbage like the games it portrays. Still I read it and laughed at the horrible games. Oh I remember the castlevania II horrible clues and getting stuck. I hated that game after that.
didn-t-finish
January 24, 2022Funny in theory, but each entry goes on just a little too long. After a while, I was getting bored. These games sound awful, yes, but it wasn't incredibly thrilling to read about. Love the idea, though.
July 17, 2017
Amusing descriptions of terrible computer games. Slight and highly topical, but good for a few chuckles and some interesting historical tidbits if you're at all interested in computer/video games.
December 31, 2017
Surprisingly entertaining read, perhaps because I grew up with some of these terrible old games - or at the very least their terrible contemporaries.
January 28, 2018
Very short, easily read, and amusing book. I highly recommend to anyone interested in retro gaming.
December 20, 2018
Excellent crowd funded book for all of us wayward youth who spent our formative years in arcades and playing home gaming systems like Atari, Sega, etc
November 20, 2021
A funny and brilliant read
Quintessentially Stuart Ashen. If you want terrible old games that you probably haven't heard of, I highly recommend getting this book
Quintessentially Stuart Ashen. If you want terrible old games that you probably haven't heard of, I highly recommend getting this book
February 28, 2022
The author is right. I’d never heard of or played any of these games. But he did make me laugh and I read the entire book. Enjoyable, quick read. Even for non-gamers.
January 17, 2024
These reviews of horrible video games from the dawn of the UK computer market are worth clickling closed a pop-up ad on a website, but not actual money.
March 22, 2024
A very entertaining trawl through some abject gaming failures of the distant past. So good I immediately bought the sequel: Attack of the Flickering Skeletons.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews