Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy

by Stephen E. Lamb, Douglas E. Brinley

Marriage, as ordained by a loving Father in Heaven, brings two souls together on the path toward His presence. And the special intimacy that can exist between a righteous husband and wife serves to ennoble and enhance their union. But, for too many, intimacy can become a source of guilt, frustration, and even conflict.

Where does a member of the LDS church go for guidance when faced with questions on this sensitive subject? Where can a young man or woman contemplating marriage turn for a clear, gospel-based understanding of intimacy? What medical insights are available for middle-aged and older LDS couples who want to improve or revitalize this aspect of their relationship?

Professor Brinley and Dr. Lamb have gathered the teachings and testimonies of modern prophets, together with current medical research, to offer a simple and consistent gospel-based discussion of intimacy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Lds, Self Help, Religion, Marriage, Church, Adult

208 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1996

Reviews

[Jeffrey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Something every couple needs to read . . . and then some. It's amazing to me that people can get married without any prerequisits. Even for a driver's license you need to study and take a written and driver's exam. Getting married requires . . . well, just filling out a form. Wow! And we wonder why the divorce rate is above 50%. Something so essential is left so much up to chance and, mostly, ignorance. How can one succeed in marriage based on mere sexual attraction? It doesn't happen. It requires work and lots, and lots, and lots of selflesness. Marital bliss has little to do with sex or fulfilling "my needs." Marital success requires focus specifically, mainly on the needs of the other and then indirectly your needs are satisfied. For who would not try to satisfy the needs of one who is always looking to satify "my needs." And this is where Between Husband & Wife focuses.

[Kimberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sexual intimacy treated delicately and sacredly from a gospel perspective. That said, this is not the typical "diluted" treatment of the subject that previous well-meaning authors have penned. Lamb & Brinley present the subject of sexual intimacy in a forthright, matter-of-fact, and fairly explicit manner. It is an accurate and pretty thorough treatment of the subject from both an emotional/psychological as well as a medical/anatomical perspective. I routinely recommend this book to my married clients who are struggling in this area.
I would also strongly encourage every LDS engaged couple to read this before their wedding date.

Spencer W. Kimball: "Divorces often occur over sex... If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are many reasons. Generally, sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason" (Teachings, 312).

In my work so far, I haven't found that to be the primary reason, but I agree that it is a big one.
What's needed: Proper sex education (the mechanics as well as the psychology), overcoming personal selfishness, and being patient with each other.

“Rejoice with the wife of thy youth… Be thou ravished always with her love” (Proverbs 5:18-19).

Spencer W. Kimball: "Marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person" (Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Oct. 2002, 42).

[Michelle McKay · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had good and bad for me. After the first 40 pages, I felt like the opinions were mostly from the male perspective. Naturally I noticed both authors are male. It's hard to believe in a balanced opinion of intimacy if both genders aren't giving input. But the book improved greatly for me. I enjoyed descriptions and help for stages of marriage: honeymoon, middle years, later years. I also liked the sections of advice to husbands, and advice to wives. I came away from it with an appreciation for my husband, and a hope to improve a few areas. I don't know if I could recommend the whole book, but parts were helpful.

[Michele · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is one of my least favorite books of all time. For one, there needs to be way more discussion on consent. So many things I hated about this book. It's one of two books I've ever recycled. I didn't want to risk the chance that any one else to pick it up and read it.

[Britta · Rating 4 out of 5]

"No man receives the fulness of the priesthood without a woman at his side. For no man, the prophet [Joseph Smith] said, can obtain the fulness of the priesthood outside the temple of the Lord (D&C 131:1-4). And she is there beside him in that sacred place. She shares in all that he receives. The man and the woman individually receive the ordinances encompassed in the endowment. But the man cannot ascend to the highest ordinances - the sealing ordinances - without her at his side. No man achieves the supernal exalting status of worthy fatherhood except as a gift from his wife." ~Elder Boyd K. Packer

"It is interesting to know how man is put together - how incomplete he is. His whole physical and emotional and for that matter, spiritual nature, is formed in such a way that it depends upon a source of encouragement and power that is found in a woman. When man has found his wife and companion, he has in a sense found the other half of himself. He will return to her again and again for that regeneration that exalts his manhood and strengthens him for the testing that life will give him." ~Elder Boyd K. Packer

"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion."
~President Gordon B. Hinkley

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a whole lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old-time rail journey - delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by the beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
~Jenkins Lloyd Jones

"Those who allow the marriage ceremony to terminate the days of "courtship" are making a well-nigh fatal mistake. If the new bride were to discover that her husband was just an actor before their marriage and now his quest is ended, he stands revealed as a cheap counterfeit of his former self either in appearance or conduct, that would indeed be a shocking expirience. Evidences and tokens of your love and daily proof of your unselfishness toward her and your family will make love's flame burn more brightly with the years. Do you girls suppose that the same attention to personal details is less important after marriage? Surely the same qualities and traits in you that first attracted him are just as important in married life in keeping alive the flame of his affection and romantic desire."
~President Harold B. Lee

[Jon · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a preface, the only people who will like this book are those who are LDS or people who were told all their lives that sex is bad and then all of the sudden they are married. This is a great book to read when you are engaged. My wife and I enjoyed reading it together and we are glad that we waited just a few weeks before our marriage to actually read it. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and I recently rediscovered this book in our storage area. I went through and re-read many parts of it because I remember that I didn't understand a lot of it the first time I read it. Well, this time it all made sense.
I, honestly, don't think that I needed to read this book when I was engaged. I was excited enough for married life. I am very glad that my wife read it though because generally LDS women are very trepidatious about intimacy. Its a difficult transition to go from 'no, no, no' to 'yeah baby' and this book helps with that.
This book is not a sex manual nor does it give any advice on how to spice things up or improve intimacy. All it is written for is to convince LDS people that sex after marriage is OK, encouraged, even freaking awesome and not just for making babies.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This may be the best book out there on the subject of intimacy in marriage. It goes over common problems in the different stages of marriage (honeymoon, middle age, later years, etc.) and how to overcome these problems. It also answers some frequently asked questions. My favorite thing about this book is that it is given from a gospel perspective a perspective that sexual relations within marriage are a beautiful and essential part of the marriage relationship given to us by God to strengthen marriage and help us make it through the struggles of family life.

[Allyson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read this with my husband just after we married. We both thought this book was pretty lame -- there are much better 'sex instruction' books out there. Better books about general husband-wife relationships are "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, or "Human Intimacy" by Victor L. Brown, Jr.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Justin and I read this together before we got married. It mean sooo much more now of course, but it was a wonderful way to open up conversation after we got married and help bring us together. Every married couple should definately read. I believe in it all! Since we read it all the way through we will go back and read parts all the time.

[Aroura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this before getting married and I thought it was such a wonderfully candid but respectful book about the gift of intimacy.

[Annette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though this book was mostly geared toward engaged and newly married couples (I've been married for 26 years now) I still found it very helpful.
I like how the book is organized. There are a couple of chapters for newly weds, and then there is one for each phase of life; early years, middle years, and later years. The chapter on the middle years was most helpful for me, especially the list of "ten things that happily married couples have in common".
My husband and I read this list together and discussed what areas we can improve. I like that there is a chapter written especially for husbands and one especially for wives. They also include a FAQ chapter at the end.
I appreciated their respectful approach to this sensitive topic. None of it made me feel uncomfortable.
This is not just a book about sex, it's a book about marriage. They really stress the fact that, generally speaking, if you have a healthy relationship with your spouse then you're going to have a healthy sex life. If you are sensitive to the feelings and needs of your spouse outside the bedroom then chances are you will be inside the bedroom.
This book is definitely a worthwhile read for all married couples but it is especially helpful for those engaged or newly married.

[Colette · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book for a human sexuality course and I am very glad that I did. It is a very well-written book for LDS couples to get a balanced view on sex. Too many LDS couples are indoctrinated that sex is bad and then have struggles once they are married to have a fulfilling sex life. It ties in doctrinal principles with medical knowledge and it flows together well. It also provides sound principles about marriage in general (and not just sex), such as having good communication and being companions. This book is probably aimed more at the newly married or engaged couples who don't know much about sex yet, and couples who read it later in their marriage may find it not as beneficial. However, older couples may benefit from the chapters about later life, where it talks about differences in sex drive and sexual dysfunction. The one thing that turned me slightly off from the book was that it made a few references to how women need to stay in the home and didn't include more recent quotes from general authorities about how it may be necessary for women to work outside the home and it is up to the family to decide that. But that may just be my soapbox. Overall, very good book.

[Camille Baird · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very informative, complete book on sexuality without being too intense or explicit. It is just that.. a book on intimacy rather than just having sex. It deals with attitudes towards sexual relations, differing drives, information, misinformation and outside factors that might effect your intimate relations and much more.
Communication is key and understanding the difference between mens and womens view and place for intimacy is discussed at length. I would recommend this book to young people who are interested in learning about why abstinence is key, young couples, newly married, previously married and getting remarried, regularly married as it has information for people in all stages of relationships about how to create, improve and maintain positive, loving and proper intimate relations. Even if you have been married a while, you will probably learn a lot and then be better prepared to discuss intimacy in a proper setting in order to prepare you children. It is a great balance against the worldly, media driven views of sexual relations.

[Andralynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a very well-written book about a subject that seems to make a lot of LDS people uncomfortable. The explanations about sex in marriage aren't graphic, but they are straightforward. This was a very tactful approach to the subject of sex in marriage from the LDS perspective. The authors focused a lot on how sex is a good thing in marriage and that it is condoned of God.

I read this with my fiance in the month leading up to our marriage, and it was incredibly helpful. While we had talked about the subject before, this book made us think about things that we hadn't considered before. It taught us things we didn't know and helped us talk about our concerns and fears without getting awkward with each other. I would definitely recommend this to other engaged couples. There are still a couple of chapters we have yet to read, since we're nowhere close to our middle or later years of marriage, so I'm sure we will be coming back to those chapters later on.

[Tia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This seems to be a pretty good, gospel-based book on the subject of intimacy (emotional as well as physical) in a marriage and I would recommend it to any married individual or couple that needed a book on the topic. My absolute favorite thing about this book, however, is the very first chapter, as it discusses the eternal nature of marriage and family, what an incredible gift procreation is, and the nature of having children in the eternities. I give that first chapter five stars and think every LDS married couple should read it, even if they didn't go on to read the rest of the book. Reading that chapter had a very profound effect on me at the time that I read it. My other favorite parts of the book were the two chapters near the end that were specifically addressed, one to husbands, and one to wives. They were very good.

[Aubri · Rating 4 out of 5]

So the first time I read this book I didn't think it was super great but it was good to understand some things from a gospel perspective. Our stake president had Stephen E. Lamb come and do a special fireside for couples married less than 10 years. It was FABULOUS. The book didn't seem to have any of the comedy and straight talk that Bro. Lamb had in presenting it. It was fantastic and everyone there had a great time. People who have been married more than 10 years would've loved it too.

Overall he really knows his stuff as a Gyno and as a member of the church. He's found the answers to the hard questions and has statements from church authorities to back them up. He also understands the differences in the way males vs females think (in general-even he admits that it's not always a certain way).

[Camille · Rating 5 out of 5]

Picked up this book because my oldest has a lot of questions about sex (friends at school are talking about it) and I wanted to give him gospel-oriented information. This is a great book and I recommend it to all married couples, newlywed, or not. It has helped me to answer his questions better - keeping this topic open in our house - rather than tabu, like when I grew up. The authors were open, honest, and educationally knowledgable with a subject often left to the media to portray (very incorrectly I must say). I didn't want my conversations to be only about the negatives (the don'ts) but based more on the Lord's principles (the do's) and this book adresses it beautifully.

[Cassandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

OK, this is the perfect book for an engaged couple to read together before their wedding. It addresses (very tastefully and respectfully) a spectrum of issues and questions that two people should discuss before they dive into marriage. Men and women go into marriage with very different ideas and expectations about love/intimacy, and so by reading it during an engagement, a couple is better able to see marriage from the other gender's point of view and have a clear idea of what to expect. My husband and I are very grateful that my mother gave us this book before our wedding.

[Roseanne Wilkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Since I believe intimacy is an essential part of happy married life, there was nothing in the book I didn't already know. This is a book I'd recommend for newlyweds and those struggling with intimacy. Because there wasn't anything I didn't already know, I'm not sure I'd recommend it for anyone who has been happily married for a number of years. It's not one I would hand over to my teens, either. I gave it five stars because the subject is handled so well.

[HaleakalaBound · Rating 4 out of 5]

YAY!!!! My 300th book!!!

Ok, so the first 2/3rds of the book was directed to the young married couples that have been taught their whole lives that sex is bad, and they have a hard time overcoming that which has been to them is a sinful and forbidden topic. But after that, I felt like a lot of it was applicable and helpful. Great references and great spiritual insights. I'm definitely going to recommend it to my sister before she gets married.

[Brandon Baggett · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is great for couples about to get married. Its main point is the intimate relationship between a husband and wife, but there are a lot of really good points on how to keep your marriage alive and well. I would also recommend this for parents who are looking for advice to give to their children who are about to get married and for leaders who want to give better advice to married couples.

[Heidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband and I were given this book when we were engaged...but I'm sorry to say with all the wedding planning, school, etc. we never got the chance to read it. I ran onto it the other day and decided to read it...I am so glad I did. I thought it was excellent and I WISH I would have read it before the wedding. It definately would have answered a lot of questions I had as a newlywed:). I thought it had some beautiful insights for all married couples..old and young.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have given this book as a wedding gift for years, but never read it for myself. Now I know this book should actually be given to the couple a week or so before they get married. This book is a step-by-step discovery of how husbands and wives should treat one another, please one another, and keep marriage as sacred as it was meant to be. Many questions are directly answered and it combats how the world treats the relationship between a man and a woman.

[Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very thorough, no-nonsense book about intimacy in marriage. It goes through all the different stages of marriage intimacy and gives suggestions for each stage as well as common pitfalls. The authors do a great job of treating this subject with respect without beating around the bush too much.

[Becki · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found a copy of this book that was given to us by the Bishop of our student ward as a wedding gift. He actually wrote in the cover and wished us luck, which I found kind of humorous. I passed my copy onto my friend who just got engaged over the summer because I think every engaged couple should read it, or something like it before they get married. If you haven't read it, it's worth reading.

[Karin · Rating 3 out of 5]

We were given this book as a wedding gift and were told that every newlywed/engaged couple should read it. Dave and I read it together before we were married (maybe not the best idea, really, since we only had one thing on our minds that long 6 months of engagement, ha ha). It was really a great book, though, and one that I think every person should read before getting married.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I saw this in the deseret book catalog and thought it looked interesting. It was. A lot of this information would have been good to read as an almost married, a few things about menopause that are informative for now. Will have the kiddos read this when they are engaged about to be married. nice and clean gospel perspective.

[Amy Erickson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the way that they discuss marital intimacy from a spiritual standpoint. my Fiancee and I read this together before we got married and it really helped bring to light those things that are hard to discuss premarriage.

[Cindy Jackson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a very good book on the subject of intimacy between a husband and wife. It was it addressed the subject of both emotional as well as physical intimacy quite well without going into too much detail. I definately wish I would have had it before I got married.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was given to me as a bridal shower present. It was definitely interesting, but wasn't a book I read just for the shear joy of reading. It's good for those needing a gospel perspective before getting married, and expectations, intimacy, ect.