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The Trouble with Alex
320 pages. Book and Jacket are both in Very good condition throughout. Melanie Adopted A Child With Special Needs. Over The Course Of Five Years, Melanie Was Desperate By The Childs Behaviour Which Had Festered With The Rage Born Out Of Her Imagineable Neglect As An Infant-and She Turned That Venom On Those Who Were Trying To Care For Her Now.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published April 7, 2008
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
May 29, 2011
Never has a story gripped me as much as this one. Being involved with adoption and fostering in both a personal and professional context, one thing that still frustrates me is how the most vulnerable children are being let down by the system in this country. And this book shows everyone exactly why that is.
Some people have questioned how Melanie Allen was ever approved for adoption. The question is really why she was so poorly prepared, guided and supported during the process. Adoption is far more than just becoming Mummy and Daddy to a child. Children like Alex who have such severe attachment disorder require a completely different kind of parenting and unfortunately Melanie Allen and her husband were not adequately prepared by social services for the issues that such a child faces. This was a child who had no idea how to love, how to communicate or how to trust, such was the level of the abuse she had sustained in the past. It takes years and years of therapy for a child to overcome a severe attachment disorder and sadly there is no funding for such therapy and support in this country.
Those who have negatively reviewed this book and even blamed Melanie for trauma Alex experienced should ask themselves whether they would be prepared to parent a child like Alex, a child so damaged that she had become completely detatched from the world. Don't blame Melanie, blame the system that allows it to happen and denies adoptive parents the support and guidance they need. She was a first-time adopter and wholly unprepared for the challenges of parenting a hurt child.
Some people have questioned how Melanie Allen was ever approved for adoption. The question is really why she was so poorly prepared, guided and supported during the process. Adoption is far more than just becoming Mummy and Daddy to a child. Children like Alex who have such severe attachment disorder require a completely different kind of parenting and unfortunately Melanie Allen and her husband were not adequately prepared by social services for the issues that such a child faces. This was a child who had no idea how to love, how to communicate or how to trust, such was the level of the abuse she had sustained in the past. It takes years and years of therapy for a child to overcome a severe attachment disorder and sadly there is no funding for such therapy and support in this country.
Those who have negatively reviewed this book and even blamed Melanie for trauma Alex experienced should ask themselves whether they would be prepared to parent a child like Alex, a child so damaged that she had become completely detatched from the world. Don't blame Melanie, blame the system that allows it to happen and denies adoptive parents the support and guidance they need. She was a first-time adopter and wholly unprepared for the challenges of parenting a hurt child.
May 17, 2009
I cannot believe I paid money for this book as the thought of lining Melanie Allen's pockets makes me feel slightly nauseated.. She describes life after adoption of a troubled little girl, and described how she and her husband then emotionally destroyed an already fragile little girl. The author shows no insight into the damage she has caused Alex and paints herself the victim to the end sickening reading. The title should have read A mothers rage and a child's battle not the other way round.
April 17, 2012
From the start of this book, I took a dislike to the author. She did more harm than good to this innocent child. She seemed to read far more into the child's actions than was actually there. She had no compassion, no empathy and doled out punishment far too readily. The book was however very evocative and made you want to read it as you never knew what to expect next in the way of even more mental torment being administered to an already emotionally scarred child. The author gave me the impression that she decided to adopt a child with learning difficulties as a means of making herself feel important and massaging her own ego. She came across a a highly egotistical individual with something to prove. Very readable though.
April 23, 2011
How Melanie Allen was approved as an adopter is beyond me, given that she proceeded to systemmatically emotionally abuse the child she was supposed to be caring for. Melanie did nothing to help Alex heal from previous experiences and in fact the way she treated her was itself abusive. Melanie seemed totally oblivious to what she was doing, all she did was blame the child. It would be good if one day Alex could describe her experiences with Melanie from her perspective.
August 12, 2012
This is a heartbreaking book, but I can only commend Melanie for her bravery in speaking out about the horrors of the mental health system, in the hope that one day professionals may begin to listen, use resources efficiently, and children like Alex will receive the care they so desperately need and deserve.
I do not understand the reviews that condemn Melanie for her honesty regarding how hard it is to save a child such as this. No parent, adoptive or not, is equipped to give intense psychological treatment to a mentally ill and deeply suffering child. Professional help is needed. From personal experience I know how hard that is to come by, and how manipulative the health service can be to the family and the sufferer in their attempt to avoid giving treatment unless the child nearly dies.
Overview: Melanie fought for treatment for her adopted daughter until she could fight no more. She believes Alex has Reactive Attachment disorder (otherwise known as Severe Attachment disorder). Alex eventually admitted that she had a voice in her head, but the voice would let her say no more. Alex made everyone outside her adopted family believe that she was secure and that the only problem was her learning difficulties.
What do you do when your child humiliates you time and time again? She makes the professionals believe that she is a perfect daughter; that you are making her troubled mind up. You are so determined to free her from the dark force inside that the professionals then turn on you and accuse you of abusing your child. The choice is to go along with your child’s dark games, knowing that you are only engraving the voice deeper into her soul, or to be patronised to the ultimate degree until you are labelled as cruel for insisting that your daughter is so skilfully pretending to be someone she isn’t. The painful truth is that your daughter is being controlled like a puppet. Your real daughter is screaming out for help, for the professionals to listen and break the strings. But the puppeteer traps her expression in a mask, and moulds it into a deceiving ‘coy smile’.
I do not understand the reviews that condemn Melanie for her honesty regarding how hard it is to save a child such as this. No parent, adoptive or not, is equipped to give intense psychological treatment to a mentally ill and deeply suffering child. Professional help is needed. From personal experience I know how hard that is to come by, and how manipulative the health service can be to the family and the sufferer in their attempt to avoid giving treatment unless the child nearly dies.
Overview: Melanie fought for treatment for her adopted daughter until she could fight no more. She believes Alex has Reactive Attachment disorder (otherwise known as Severe Attachment disorder). Alex eventually admitted that she had a voice in her head, but the voice would let her say no more. Alex made everyone outside her adopted family believe that she was secure and that the only problem was her learning difficulties.
What do you do when your child humiliates you time and time again? She makes the professionals believe that she is a perfect daughter; that you are making her troubled mind up. You are so determined to free her from the dark force inside that the professionals then turn on you and accuse you of abusing your child. The choice is to go along with your child’s dark games, knowing that you are only engraving the voice deeper into her soul, or to be patronised to the ultimate degree until you are labelled as cruel for insisting that your daughter is so skilfully pretending to be someone she isn’t. The painful truth is that your daughter is being controlled like a puppet. Your real daughter is screaming out for help, for the professionals to listen and break the strings. But the puppeteer traps her expression in a mask, and moulds it into a deceiving ‘coy smile’.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 28, 2012
The trouble with Alex
A story of a family tragedy that focuses on tragedy in several ways: the tragedy of Alex's birth Mother's life, Alex's antenatal & postnatal experience, her early childhood and finally as a child in care.
I have read the other reviews some of which are harshly critical of the Allens as a family and in particular Melanie.
Having been involved in caring for 6 different children, as wards of the state, over the last eight years, (some more disturbed and developmentally delayed than others) I think some points need to be made in response to the criticisms of the Allens -
Firstly this is a courageously candid account of one couples' own experience.
Of course it is biased and selective such an experience cannot be described on any other terms.
No amount of prior parental experience or caring for children in care can fully prepare any couple for this as a first time experience; certainly any training offered (given the typical time alloted to such) cannot.
Fequently too little is really known about a child and if it is known all too often it is not passed on to prospective carers. What is known is all too frequently conveyed on a need to know basis as determined by those who hold the information. Performance in this area can often be well short of what carers expect and need.
Families that take on adoption or fostering need to do so knowing the challenges that lie ahead are not just in the parenting of these children, but of having to work with people from a system that is all powerful with very little accountability or sense of responsibility towards carers. What recourse do parents have against injustice perpetuated by people representing the state when there is no independant complaints process.
I found this a disturbingly honest read that rang true given:
1) the author's own admission of her complete lack of self knowledge & insight into this: particularly her own weaknesses when pushed to the limit.
2) how social services withdrew leaving this supposed model nuclear family to struggle until a point of desperation was reached.
3) how similar our experience of foster care (caring for disturbed children traumatised further by state intervention along with poor processes and communication) has been.
One could criticise the writing but this is not the work of a professional author and shouldn't be reasd as such.
The fact is that such a story has been told and that's what counts.
A story of a family tragedy that focuses on tragedy in several ways: the tragedy of Alex's birth Mother's life, Alex's antenatal & postnatal experience, her early childhood and finally as a child in care.
I have read the other reviews some of which are harshly critical of the Allens as a family and in particular Melanie.
Having been involved in caring for 6 different children, as wards of the state, over the last eight years, (some more disturbed and developmentally delayed than others) I think some points need to be made in response to the criticisms of the Allens -
Firstly this is a courageously candid account of one couples' own experience.
Of course it is biased and selective such an experience cannot be described on any other terms.
No amount of prior parental experience or caring for children in care can fully prepare any couple for this as a first time experience; certainly any training offered (given the typical time alloted to such) cannot.
Fequently too little is really known about a child and if it is known all too often it is not passed on to prospective carers. What is known is all too frequently conveyed on a need to know basis as determined by those who hold the information. Performance in this area can often be well short of what carers expect and need.
Families that take on adoption or fostering need to do so knowing the challenges that lie ahead are not just in the parenting of these children, but of having to work with people from a system that is all powerful with very little accountability or sense of responsibility towards carers. What recourse do parents have against injustice perpetuated by people representing the state when there is no independant complaints process.
I found this a disturbingly honest read that rang true given:
1) the author's own admission of her complete lack of self knowledge & insight into this: particularly her own weaknesses when pushed to the limit.
2) how social services withdrew leaving this supposed model nuclear family to struggle until a point of desperation was reached.
3) how similar our experience of foster care (caring for disturbed children traumatised further by state intervention along with poor processes and communication) has been.
One could criticise the writing but this is not the work of a professional author and shouldn't be reasd as such.
The fact is that such a story has been told and that's what counts.
February 10, 2013
This is the true story of a British family aching to adopt a daughter after having a son of their own. A psychologically damaged little girl is placed under their care and what unfolds is revealed with brutal honesty. The mother believes the child to be “faking” her condition, and without the support of authorities, she undertakes to expose the child as a fraud. Her unorthodox methods at times border on frightening and as a reader I couldn’t help but wonder if the "pay-off" towards the end wasn’t helped along by the actions of the mother herself. I found myself trying to understand the perspectives of the many people involved, yet was left wanting when it came to the author. I don't doubt that her circumstances were extraordinarily difficult and I’m unsure of how I’d react if I found myself in the same situation, but I believe the way in which this book was written makes it hard to wholly empathise with her plight. (For the record, this book isn't really a real life version of “We Need to Talk About Kevin” as the cover suggests.)
September 17, 2012
This book gripped me like no other book I ever read. After reading some of the reviews I can see why many have disliked Melaine Allen for her parenting skills. I was very frustrated with her too at the first half of the book. Mostly because I thought she was very ill prepared for the huge responsibility of adopting a child with such a horrible neglect and traumatic history. I also think she was in denial of her own capabilities and emotional mental health through out her ordeal with Alex. But after I finished the book I believe that the authorities, mainly social services are responsible for Alex's downfall and this family's breakdown. Melaine Allen is very courageous for writing such an honest account of the few years she had Alex under her roof. As a parent myself I understand the shame and guilt of losing the plot sometimes with your kids. But to write a book so openly, specially in regards to your parenting fails on your adoptive mentally unstable child is extremely courageous. I applaud her for being honest and, bringing to light the downfalls of adopting a child with so many scars, also to make many couples understand what a huge responsibility and emotional toll adopting really is! This family just did the best they could with the tools that they were given. I also think she should have done more research and read all the material given to her at the start of the adoption but that is something, I believe she realizes her self now. Love is not enough to help a mental unstable child and to think that, is to under estimate the child, its traumas from the past and her adoptive parents. Also, to think a child would never manipulate like Alex did through out the story is to show you never had kids of your own. If a healthy child manipulates its parents to get what it wants, can you imagine what an mentally traumatized child would do to get what she needs? I am sad that Alex even now, hasn't received the appropriate treatment and will indeed continue to suffer, god help us if she get children of her own, lets hope this never happens! I am so sad for Melanie and her ex-husband who this ordeal has destroyed there marriage. Shame on UK Social Services for letting these children down and there adoptive parents to a point of complete destruction!!!
March 19, 2020
A good honest book that speaks to you if you have experienced living with a child that has RAD. My son is 7 and has been with me 3 years. My son like Alex, lost his primary attachment figure and has had multi moves before me. I researched everything I could and tried to get myself on training courses before he joined me. I thought I was prepared but nothing prepares you for this life.
To those that call Melanie abusive, you have no idea how Brave that lady is!! I hope she and her family are doing well and I would love to know how Alex is doing now.
To those that call Melanie abusive, you have no idea how Brave that lady is!! I hope she and her family are doing well and I would love to know how Alex is doing now.
January 12, 2011
Although frustrating & somewhat depressing I am glad I read this book. I couldn't put it down as I was desperate to know what was wrong with Alex. I really felt for Alex & the family - it was a lose/lose situation to be in. I only pray that children services gets better and that people get the help they desperately need..
November 10, 2017
This book is infuriating. It's the story of someone who was unprepared to adopt an older child, made a bunch of stupid decisions, and didn't seek help until it was way too late. She must've believed that writing the book would allow people to see her side, yet the story barely shows her to be a sympathetic character at all. Her lack of sympathy towards Alex is hard to understand. Once she comes to understand Alex's need for control and attention, she interprets these as malicious and manipulative intentions and tries to get others to see how conniving Alex is, rather than seeing these as understandable human needs. While I do think the system failed Alex and that the author's understanding of her was much more accurate than the social worker's, I don't feel like I can excuse how she handled any of it.
August 18, 2019
I created a goodreads account just to review this book. I have read it as a professional wanting to learn more about attachment disorder. What I read has left me fuming. Melanie Allen portrays herself as the hard done by parent with a nightmare child she has adopted. She writes about how the child (Alex) looks at her and walks in a certain way and how cross this makes her. She talks about shouting at Alex for not being able to do things such as write cards or understand colours despite her learning disability. She swears at Alex and punishes Alex for the most minor of things. She has abused this child going from what she's written, but I suspect there may have been worse behind closed doors. Yes Alex is an adopted child with likely attachment issues, but the abuse caused by her adopted family must have harmed this poor girl.
November 10, 2025
I am only half way into the book and I cannot help but cry for this poor child, she was already going through so much. Unfortunately, life played terrible cards with her fate and placed her in the hands of Melanie and her insensitive husband. I do not blame their son, at all, he is only a child and his behavior towards poor Alex was only a reflection of the poor treatment she was receiving from the parents.
One star. Melanie only adopted Alex to feed her ego, but when that failed, she resorted to whining, complaining and projecting her toxic behavior and failure to maintain her relationship with her husband on a poor child who wasn't even 11 years old yet.
Again...one star
One star. Melanie only adopted Alex to feed her ego, but when that failed, she resorted to whining, complaining and projecting her toxic behavior and failure to maintain her relationship with her husband on a poor child who wasn't even 11 years old yet.
Again...one star
December 20, 2020
One of the most terrible books I have ever read. Not the book itself, but the mistreatment of this girl but authorities.... Melanie and her husband tried absolutely everything and they themselves were treated like criminals, all because adults in power were egotistical.
My heart is breaking for Alex and the Allens. Truly heartbreaking :(
I hope that one day Alex may find peace in life
My heart is breaking for Alex and the Allens. Truly heartbreaking :(
I hope that one day Alex may find peace in life
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 8, 2020
A frustrating read on both sides of the fence.
January 8, 2015
Interesting account about a child with a troubled past and an adoptive family dealing with the result. As a parent of an autistic daughter I felt the parents ' this is not what other parents have' heartbreaking and persistent.
October 21, 2009
great insight into children with Attachment Disorders, but very depressing as well!
November 10, 2009
WOW WHAT A HEART RENDING STORY! I WAS REALLY HOPING FOR A HAPPIER ENDING THOUGH...
August 9, 2010
A adoptive family in England struggles to get mental health care for their daughter.
July 25, 2011
intense real story that talks about child manipulation and Alex's emotional roller coaster of a life
August 3, 2011
Very interesting
November 2, 2021
I found the ending a real let down, the whole time I was waiting for something shocking to happen, and it never did.
August 16, 2011
a very good book which you cannot put down
September 21, 2011
Very very sad. Let's hope the system stops letting down our children.
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April 20, 2019I found this to be quite sad. The girl had some emotional issues, which her foster parents found quite challenging. Complex.
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews