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Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life
Whether the narcissist in your life is a boss, coworker, relative, or romantic partner, the exercises and advice in Unmasking Narcissism will help you set healthy boundaries and make sense of this complex and often painful issue. In this groundbreaking guide from clinical psychologist Mark Ettensohn, PsyD., you will gain insight into narcissistic behaviors, symptoms, and relationship dynamics. Dr. Ettensohn provides exercises designed to help you clarify your own values and goals for the relationship, whether that means immediate separation or long-term relationship management. Anyone whose life has been touched by narcissism will find this book helpful - whether you are coming to terms with a loved one's diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD), or working to move forward after leaving a narcissistic relationship.
Unmasking Narcissism provides strategies and coping styles that will guide you toward a deeper understanding of both the narcissist and yourself, with:
Easy-to-read sections aligned with the DSM-5 criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Explanations of both grandiose (overt) and vulnerable (covert) narcissism. Healing tools and techniques, including how to defuse arguments instead of fuel them, mindfulness meditation, and exploring vulnerability. Real-world stories of people coping with narcissists. Throughout, Unmasking Narcissism offers a fully realized, yet compassionate portrait of narcissism that will help you on your path to healing without compromising your own mental health and wellness.
Unmasking Narcissism provides strategies and coping styles that will guide you toward a deeper understanding of both the narcissist and yourself, with:
Easy-to-read sections aligned with the DSM-5 criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Explanations of both grandiose (overt) and vulnerable (covert) narcissism. Healing tools and techniques, including how to defuse arguments instead of fuel them, mindfulness meditation, and exploring vulnerability. Real-world stories of people coping with narcissists. Throughout, Unmasking Narcissism offers a fully realized, yet compassionate portrait of narcissism that will help you on your path to healing without compromising your own mental health and wellness.
186 pages, Paperback
First published February 9, 2016
506 people are currently reading
1357 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews
November 26, 2016
This is not a book to learn how to change a narcissist. The best advice for a person in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave. For someone unable or unwilling to leave, this book offers an understanding of narcissists. Understanding is not the same as justifying the behavior.
A common misconception is that narcissists love only themselves, but they suffer from a lack of an authentic self. They either did not develop a healthy sense of self-esteem at a critical age. They are often high achievers who possess a need to prove themselves to gain love and to compensate for the lack of it in their childhood.
People are attracted to narcissists because they can be very good at exploiting other people’s need to feel important and special. For the most part, grandiose narcissists make heavy use of psychological defenses denial and projection. Denial is when a person refuses to include important pieces of information their assessment of a given situation. Instead of facing an uncomfortable reality, a person shuts her eyes and persists in believing a more comfortable reality. Grandiose narcissists secretly are terrified that they simply aren’t good enough. They create a fantasy of perfection rather than acknowledge the fear.
As opposed to denial, projection involves unconsciously placing feeling of insecurity and worthlessness on others, simultaneously allowing a narcissist to get rid of unwanted feelings and imagine that they are better than the worthless ones.
Another type of narcissist is the vulnerable one. They still have grandiose traits, but they are hidden. Instead of feeling they are better than everyone else, vulnerable narcissists feel that they *should* be better than everyone else and are simply failing to live up to expectations. They are notorious perfectionists. Personal exceptionalism is the belief that you are special in a way that set you above other people, the trait that drives cliques in high school.
While I picked up this book in hopes of finding ways to deal with difficult people, I am finding an abundance of information, ideas and advice that lead to insight into areas that I would like to change. After describing narcissists and their behaviors, the book gives examples of how people interact with what each person is thinking in situations where conflicts arise. A discussion of general narcissism follows with emphasis on the characteristics that were involved in the example situation. Solutions to how the person affected by the narcissistic behavior might act to have her own needs/hurts/discomfort addressed without putting the narcissist on the defense.
I had a hard time putting this book down. I could go on and on describing the situations addressed in the book. I took notes, because I wanted to remember what was written. There would be a test. The test would be to get through situations with my narcissist without provoking the situation or capitulating.
The book describes narcissistic behavior and how hurtful it can be to the people in their lives and then describes what happened in the narcissist’s life that made him act and react the way he does.
It never condones the behavior.
When I apply the description to narcissists in my life, it softens my heart and the way I think of the narcissist as a friend or relative or employer, and by doing so, I can choose to act in a way that does not make the situation worse. I can’t change what has already happened, but I change what happens in the future by acting in a way that either fuels or defuses. A third option would be to leave. It might be the right answer is to get as far away as possible.
The book offers examples of how using the understanding gained, one can choose to not fuel the flames. There’s no pretense that you can expect to fix the narcissist. But you can take the wind out of his sails and perhaps he does change, but only because he no longer has an advantage point. The playing ground is more level.
I win because I no longer hold the animosity toward the person. My stress is lowered. I can’t be bullied because I don’t push back or fight. I also don't just roll over. Narcissists can evoke such strong emotions. This offers some survival tactics.
A common misconception is that narcissists love only themselves, but they suffer from a lack of an authentic self. They either did not develop a healthy sense of self-esteem at a critical age. They are often high achievers who possess a need to prove themselves to gain love and to compensate for the lack of it in their childhood.
People are attracted to narcissists because they can be very good at exploiting other people’s need to feel important and special. For the most part, grandiose narcissists make heavy use of psychological defenses denial and projection. Denial is when a person refuses to include important pieces of information their assessment of a given situation. Instead of facing an uncomfortable reality, a person shuts her eyes and persists in believing a more comfortable reality. Grandiose narcissists secretly are terrified that they simply aren’t good enough. They create a fantasy of perfection rather than acknowledge the fear.
As opposed to denial, projection involves unconsciously placing feeling of insecurity and worthlessness on others, simultaneously allowing a narcissist to get rid of unwanted feelings and imagine that they are better than the worthless ones.
Another type of narcissist is the vulnerable one. They still have grandiose traits, but they are hidden. Instead of feeling they are better than everyone else, vulnerable narcissists feel that they *should* be better than everyone else and are simply failing to live up to expectations. They are notorious perfectionists. Personal exceptionalism is the belief that you are special in a way that set you above other people, the trait that drives cliques in high school.
While I picked up this book in hopes of finding ways to deal with difficult people, I am finding an abundance of information, ideas and advice that lead to insight into areas that I would like to change. After describing narcissists and their behaviors, the book gives examples of how people interact with what each person is thinking in situations where conflicts arise. A discussion of general narcissism follows with emphasis on the characteristics that were involved in the example situation. Solutions to how the person affected by the narcissistic behavior might act to have her own needs/hurts/discomfort addressed without putting the narcissist on the defense.
I had a hard time putting this book down. I could go on and on describing the situations addressed in the book. I took notes, because I wanted to remember what was written. There would be a test. The test would be to get through situations with my narcissist without provoking the situation or capitulating.
The book describes narcissistic behavior and how hurtful it can be to the people in their lives and then describes what happened in the narcissist’s life that made him act and react the way he does.
It never condones the behavior.
When I apply the description to narcissists in my life, it softens my heart and the way I think of the narcissist as a friend or relative or employer, and by doing so, I can choose to act in a way that does not make the situation worse. I can’t change what has already happened, but I change what happens in the future by acting in a way that either fuels or defuses. A third option would be to leave. It might be the right answer is to get as far away as possible.
The book offers examples of how using the understanding gained, one can choose to not fuel the flames. There’s no pretense that you can expect to fix the narcissist. But you can take the wind out of his sails and perhaps he does change, but only because he no longer has an advantage point. The playing ground is more level.
I win because I no longer hold the animosity toward the person. My stress is lowered. I can’t be bullied because I don’t push back or fight. I also don't just roll over. Narcissists can evoke such strong emotions. This offers some survival tactics.
November 8, 2021
If you are a devoted psychology books reader, then you would know that a book which discusses an illness and actually provides methods to deal with the patients suffering from such disorder in a comprehendible and entertaining style is indeed invaluable.
June 15, 2017
This is a fascinating book. I picked it up last year when news reports began focusing on then-candidate Donald Trump's narcissist behavior. Somehow, in my mind I thought that this book featured some kind of scientific analysis about topics like "Narcissistic politicians."
Indeed, "Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life" focuses on "understanding and dealing with narcissists, which (I guess) everybody should learn because we can't always walk away... Maybe the narcissist in our life is our partner or ex-partner, parent, boss or coworker?
This was unexpected. Author Mark Ettensohn presented empathy for narcissists; the book also explains how people become narcissists, for instance because they get conditioned by their parents.
Reading the book I realized that I know very few people who don't have at least narcissists' traits, myself included.
Narcissists can be vain about talents, skills, income, or anything else that can confer special status.
Isn't this what almost everybody does on Facebook? And, more specifically: aren't social media platforms furthering all of our narcissistic tendencies? I read that research suggests Facebook can heighten feelings of depression, loneliness and jealousy.
Which should not be a surprise because pretty much everybody presents themselves as surpassing these or those standards or expectations.
Unfortunately, "Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life" does not address social media postings, my guess is that research is only happening as I write this.
Highly recommended, 4 stars,
Gisela Hausmann, email evangelist & author
Indeed, "Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life" focuses on "understanding and dealing with narcissists, which (I guess) everybody should learn because we can't always walk away... Maybe the narcissist in our life is our partner or ex-partner, parent, boss or coworker?
This was unexpected. Author Mark Ettensohn presented empathy for narcissists; the book also explains how people become narcissists, for instance because they get conditioned by their parents.
Reading the book I realized that I know very few people who don't have at least narcissists' traits, myself included.
Narcissists can be vain about talents, skills, income, or anything else that can confer special status.
Isn't this what almost everybody does on Facebook? And, more specifically: aren't social media platforms furthering all of our narcissistic tendencies? I read that research suggests Facebook can heighten feelings of depression, loneliness and jealousy.
Which should not be a surprise because pretty much everybody presents themselves as surpassing these or those standards or expectations.
Unfortunately, "Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life" does not address social media postings, my guess is that research is only happening as I write this.
Highly recommended, 4 stars,
Gisela Hausmann, email evangelist & author
February 2, 2017
This was a great book in explaining behaviors and actually gaining a sense of empathy toward people who have narcissistic traits. It was also instrumental in giving the tools needed for different cases and relationships which I've been able to start using.
The only reason that I gave the book four stars was because while reading, you can't help but self-reflect on if these traits apply to yourself. As such, I would've like to see more advice for one's self to help themselves.
The only reason that I gave the book four stars was because while reading, you can't help but self-reflect on if these traits apply to yourself. As such, I would've like to see more advice for one's self to help themselves.
July 20, 2016
Written by a psychologist, the book is a very well written guide on handling narcissists. It's a helpful resource not only for understanding the inner life of narcissistic persons, but also ways to cope with them in a healthy, accepting way.
It's a worthy read for anyone who suspects their close ones might be narcissistic.
It's a worthy read for anyone who suspects their close ones might be narcissistic.
October 11, 2023
03.10.2023 (31 min + 54 min)
"Ultimately, narcissism isn't really about loving yourself too much. It's about not having much of an authentic self to love at all." - Mark Ettensohn
"Sigmund Freud identified narcissism as an important process in which young children learn to feel good about themselves." - Mark Ettensohn
"For the most part, grandiose narcissists make heavy use of two psychological defenses: denial and projection." - Mark Ettensohn
"Making the leap from egocentrism to emotional maturity is not possible unless children feel secure in their own importance" - Mark Ettensohn
05.10.2023 (20 min)
"Entitlement is a centra feature of narcissism. It means feeling that you have a right to something, regardless of whether or not you've earned it. People can feel entitled to money, time, attention, sex, special treatment, or anything else perceived to have value." - Mark Ettensohn
08.10.2023 (41 min + 31 min)
"Although empathy and sympathy are often used interchangeably, they are actually very different. Sympathy is when you feel sorry for someone. You can see that the person is having difficult time, and you wish things could be different. You might offer your sympathies when someone loses a loved one, for instance. It's a way of saying 'I understand that times are tough and I feel bad for you.'" - Mark Ettensohn
"Empathy, on the other hand, goes beyond just feeling sorry for someone. It involves imagining what it's like to be that person and to see the world from his perspective. Empathy is when you place yourself in someone else's shoes." - Mark Ettensohn
"In Johnson's perspective, people become narcissistic when parents or caregivers exploit their children to maintain their own self-esteem at the expense of the child's developmental needs. Narcissists grow to repeat this cycle of exploitation throughout their lives." - Mark Ettensohn
"Narcissists also use others as sources of self-esteem. This includes choosing partners they feel will make them look good to others, or attempting to get close to sucessful people to bask in their limelight." - Mark Ettensohn
"Some narcissists battle feelings of unimportance and insecurity by helping people who are worse off. While this may seem like a positive and even charitable trait, it is actually a way of using others. This is because narcissts help others in a self-serving way that demanda attention, recognition, and gratitude." - Mark Ettensohn
"Narcissists are hungry for praise, approval, and sucess. Playing fair is not a top priority. When given advantage over someone else, it's a pretty safe bet that they will use it to get the narcissistic suply they crave. It's not so much that narcissists make conscious choices to throw others under the bus; the need to win outweighs all other considerations." - Mark Ettensohn
"When narcissists are placed in positions of authority, they may exploit their power by acting out insecurities and forcing others to gratify them." - Mark Ettensohn
"The best time to confront narcissistic individuals is when things are calm. Attempting to have a talk about problematic beahvior in the heat of the moment will likely only be met with rage or defensive stonewalling. Narcissists are sensitive to cricism. They absolutely hate having their mistakes pointed out. By waiting until things are calm, you sand a better chance of being heard. Waiting until things are calm gives you an opprtunity to frame the discussion." - Mark Ettensohn
"Self-serving behaviors shift the boundaries between you and the narcissist. To use an everyday metaphor, think about property lines. Entitled behaviors shift the property line into your backyard, giving the narcissist more room than she really needs, while low empathy basically ignores your property altogether. Exploitative behaviors are like someone using your property to throw a wild party. If a neighbor treated your property this way, you’d probably erect a fence, put up signs, or even call the police. Dealing with self-serving behaviors means taking steps to protect your emotional property." - Mark Ettensohn
"While it’s true that assertive behavior sometimes means having a confrontation, it more often just means you are protecting your rights. In relationships, you have the right to be treated in ways that feel good. Being in a functional relationship means that you respect the rights of others, and they respect your rights in return." - Mark Ettensohn
"Passive behavior is when a person allows someone to abuse their rights. Some examples of passive behavior include not speaking up when someone takes advantage of you, or not saying no when someone asks for something that you can’t afford. When you behave passively, you are setting yourself up to become angry, frustrated, and depressed. Although it is often easier in the short-term, passive behavior ends up hurting everyone involved." - Mark Ettensohn
"Healthy relationships require a balance among the rights of everyone involved. Aggressive behavior is on the other end of the scale. When people are aggressive, they trample the rights of others for personal gain." - Mark Ettensohn
"When people behave aggressively, they create problems for everyone involved. Although aggressive behavior may get your immediate needs met, it comes at the price of creating animosity and resentment in others." - Mark Ettensohn
"People naturally rebel against feeling controlled or abused. When people habitually behave aggressively, they often end up alone." - Mark Ettensohn
"Assertive behavior protects and honors the rights of everyone involved. When you behave assertively, you choose not to let others abuse you or take away your rights, and you do so in a way that respects the rights of others. The beauty of assertiveness is that it doesn’t require you to control anyone else’s behavior. You can’t make someone like you or respect your wishes. Attempting to do so would be aggressively taking away that person’s rights." - Mark Ettensohn
"Assertiveness never requires you to yell, intimidate, or use physical force. It never requires you to get the upper hand with someone, or do anything that would be harmful to yourself or someone else." - Mark Ettensohn
"Because people often look to romantic partners for comfort, empathy, and safety, self-serving behaviors can be especially painful in intimate relationships. When you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, empathy and consideration may be in short supply."
"Narcissists are worried about being seen, understood, and validated. They are often reluctant to step outside their comfort zone unless it feels safe." - Mark Ettensohn
"Remember, you only need to speak your truth and be willing to follow through. You can’t change anyone’s behavior but your own." - Mark Ettensohn
"Being assertive means taking responsibility for your own values. If something is important to you, protecting it may cost you something else." - Mark Ettensohn
"That being said, nobody has to tolerate exploitative or abusive behavior in any setting. It is possible to act assertively at work; just know that in some situations, it may have consequences." - Mark Ettensohn
09.10.2023 (20 min)
"When narcissists go too long without some form of reassurance, they begin to feel those old pangs of abandonment anxiety, as if they were back in that early rapprochement scenario." - Mark Ettensohn
"Once you understand why narcissists need reassurance, it is an easy jump to understand the need for excessive admiration. Admiration is really just a form of reassurance." - Mark Ettensohn
10.10.2023 (29 min + 15 min + 18 min + 11 min)
"Depending on the severity of a person’s narcissism, the need for admiration may appear as a slight pull for regular reassurances, or a bullying demand for full-blown praise and worship. The difference largely depends on the person’s level of grandiosity." - Mark Ettensohn
"Set boundaries to protect your emotional and psychological space. Be assertive, keeping in mind the differences between aggressive, passive, and assertive behavior. Perhaps most importantly, don’t get too attached to outcomes. All you can do is speak your truth. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, you always have the choice to walk away." - Mark Ettensohn
"Just be careful not to use the idea of therapy as a weapon. It’s easy to say things like, “You really need therapy!” or “You have issues. Why don’t you go see a shrink?” These sorts of comments are really just ways of throwing negative projections back at the narcissist. It is counterproductive because it reinforces the stereotype that therapy is only for “crazy” people." - Mark Ettensohn
"Instead, wait for a calm moment and express your encouragement in an open and caring way. You might say, “You know, I hear you talking about how stressed you’ve been feeling lately. Have you considered getting some support from a therapist? I think talking to an expert might really help you feel better about things.” " - Mark Ettensohn
"Ultimately, narcissism isn't really about loving yourself too much. It's about not having much of an authentic self to love at all." - Mark Ettensohn
"Sigmund Freud identified narcissism as an important process in which young children learn to feel good about themselves." - Mark Ettensohn
"For the most part, grandiose narcissists make heavy use of two psychological defenses: denial and projection." - Mark Ettensohn
"Making the leap from egocentrism to emotional maturity is not possible unless children feel secure in their own importance" - Mark Ettensohn
05.10.2023 (20 min)
"Entitlement is a centra feature of narcissism. It means feeling that you have a right to something, regardless of whether or not you've earned it. People can feel entitled to money, time, attention, sex, special treatment, or anything else perceived to have value." - Mark Ettensohn
08.10.2023 (41 min + 31 min)
"Although empathy and sympathy are often used interchangeably, they are actually very different. Sympathy is when you feel sorry for someone. You can see that the person is having difficult time, and you wish things could be different. You might offer your sympathies when someone loses a loved one, for instance. It's a way of saying 'I understand that times are tough and I feel bad for you.'" - Mark Ettensohn
"Empathy, on the other hand, goes beyond just feeling sorry for someone. It involves imagining what it's like to be that person and to see the world from his perspective. Empathy is when you place yourself in someone else's shoes." - Mark Ettensohn
"In Johnson's perspective, people become narcissistic when parents or caregivers exploit their children to maintain their own self-esteem at the expense of the child's developmental needs. Narcissists grow to repeat this cycle of exploitation throughout their lives." - Mark Ettensohn
"Narcissists also use others as sources of self-esteem. This includes choosing partners they feel will make them look good to others, or attempting to get close to sucessful people to bask in their limelight." - Mark Ettensohn
"Some narcissists battle feelings of unimportance and insecurity by helping people who are worse off. While this may seem like a positive and even charitable trait, it is actually a way of using others. This is because narcissts help others in a self-serving way that demanda attention, recognition, and gratitude." - Mark Ettensohn
"Narcissists are hungry for praise, approval, and sucess. Playing fair is not a top priority. When given advantage over someone else, it's a pretty safe bet that they will use it to get the narcissistic suply they crave. It's not so much that narcissists make conscious choices to throw others under the bus; the need to win outweighs all other considerations." - Mark Ettensohn
"When narcissists are placed in positions of authority, they may exploit their power by acting out insecurities and forcing others to gratify them." - Mark Ettensohn
"The best time to confront narcissistic individuals is when things are calm. Attempting to have a talk about problematic beahvior in the heat of the moment will likely only be met with rage or defensive stonewalling. Narcissists are sensitive to cricism. They absolutely hate having their mistakes pointed out. By waiting until things are calm, you sand a better chance of being heard. Waiting until things are calm gives you an opprtunity to frame the discussion." - Mark Ettensohn
"Self-serving behaviors shift the boundaries between you and the narcissist. To use an everyday metaphor, think about property lines. Entitled behaviors shift the property line into your backyard, giving the narcissist more room than she really needs, while low empathy basically ignores your property altogether. Exploitative behaviors are like someone using your property to throw a wild party. If a neighbor treated your property this way, you’d probably erect a fence, put up signs, or even call the police. Dealing with self-serving behaviors means taking steps to protect your emotional property." - Mark Ettensohn
"While it’s true that assertive behavior sometimes means having a confrontation, it more often just means you are protecting your rights. In relationships, you have the right to be treated in ways that feel good. Being in a functional relationship means that you respect the rights of others, and they respect your rights in return." - Mark Ettensohn
"Passive behavior is when a person allows someone to abuse their rights. Some examples of passive behavior include not speaking up when someone takes advantage of you, or not saying no when someone asks for something that you can’t afford. When you behave passively, you are setting yourself up to become angry, frustrated, and depressed. Although it is often easier in the short-term, passive behavior ends up hurting everyone involved." - Mark Ettensohn
"Healthy relationships require a balance among the rights of everyone involved. Aggressive behavior is on the other end of the scale. When people are aggressive, they trample the rights of others for personal gain." - Mark Ettensohn
"When people behave aggressively, they create problems for everyone involved. Although aggressive behavior may get your immediate needs met, it comes at the price of creating animosity and resentment in others." - Mark Ettensohn
"People naturally rebel against feeling controlled or abused. When people habitually behave aggressively, they often end up alone." - Mark Ettensohn
"Assertive behavior protects and honors the rights of everyone involved. When you behave assertively, you choose not to let others abuse you or take away your rights, and you do so in a way that respects the rights of others. The beauty of assertiveness is that it doesn’t require you to control anyone else’s behavior. You can’t make someone like you or respect your wishes. Attempting to do so would be aggressively taking away that person’s rights." - Mark Ettensohn
"Assertiveness never requires you to yell, intimidate, or use physical force. It never requires you to get the upper hand with someone, or do anything that would be harmful to yourself or someone else." - Mark Ettensohn
"Because people often look to romantic partners for comfort, empathy, and safety, self-serving behaviors can be especially painful in intimate relationships. When you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, empathy and consideration may be in short supply."
"Narcissists are worried about being seen, understood, and validated. They are often reluctant to step outside their comfort zone unless it feels safe." - Mark Ettensohn
"Remember, you only need to speak your truth and be willing to follow through. You can’t change anyone’s behavior but your own." - Mark Ettensohn
"Being assertive means taking responsibility for your own values. If something is important to you, protecting it may cost you something else." - Mark Ettensohn
"That being said, nobody has to tolerate exploitative or abusive behavior in any setting. It is possible to act assertively at work; just know that in some situations, it may have consequences." - Mark Ettensohn
09.10.2023 (20 min)
"When narcissists go too long without some form of reassurance, they begin to feel those old pangs of abandonment anxiety, as if they were back in that early rapprochement scenario." - Mark Ettensohn
"Once you understand why narcissists need reassurance, it is an easy jump to understand the need for excessive admiration. Admiration is really just a form of reassurance." - Mark Ettensohn
10.10.2023 (29 min + 15 min + 18 min + 11 min)
"Depending on the severity of a person’s narcissism, the need for admiration may appear as a slight pull for regular reassurances, or a bullying demand for full-blown praise and worship. The difference largely depends on the person’s level of grandiosity." - Mark Ettensohn
"Set boundaries to protect your emotional and psychological space. Be assertive, keeping in mind the differences between aggressive, passive, and assertive behavior. Perhaps most importantly, don’t get too attached to outcomes. All you can do is speak your truth. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, you always have the choice to walk away." - Mark Ettensohn
"Just be careful not to use the idea of therapy as a weapon. It’s easy to say things like, “You really need therapy!” or “You have issues. Why don’t you go see a shrink?” These sorts of comments are really just ways of throwing negative projections back at the narcissist. It is counterproductive because it reinforces the stereotype that therapy is only for “crazy” people." - Mark Ettensohn
"Instead, wait for a calm moment and express your encouragement in an open and caring way. You might say, “You know, I hear you talking about how stressed you’ve been feeling lately. Have you considered getting some support from a therapist? I think talking to an expert might really help you feel better about things.” " - Mark Ettensohn
March 11, 2017
Interesting. There is no cure for narcissism, only coping mechanisms for afflicted and their victims. Page 98 to 100 causes. Apparently they do not know that they lie--reality is hidden from them because truth is unpleasant/unacceptable.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 16, 2021
A brilliant, compassionate, thorough analysis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder; how to recognise when you are in a relationship with someone with NPD, how to survive that relationship, how to create boundaries for oneself, how to heal oneself after damage caused by a narcissist.
My personal inclination is to "LEAVE!!" and it is my solution to any encounter with a narcissist.
This book did not change that.
However, some other people want a more measured separation.
This book will support whatever choice you make in dealing with the narcissists in your lives.
I learned a lot from this book.
Highly recommended.
My personal inclination is to "LEAVE!!" and it is my solution to any encounter with a narcissist.
This book did not change that.
However, some other people want a more measured separation.
This book will support whatever choice you make in dealing with the narcissists in your lives.
I learned a lot from this book.
Highly recommended.
May 12, 2023
Was really painful but read it as part of my healing journey from narcissistic abuse. It helped me see this as a mental illness so I can understand the behaviour of my narc. I hope many people read it not only after being emotionally shattered, but to recognise and guard against any such encounter they may have with a narc in future.
March 23, 2016
Narcissism is a difficult thing to diagnose. I’m sure some people that come across off as rude, and conceited are probably undiagnosed narcissistic.
I wanted to read this book because there is someone in my life I suspect is narcissistic although they have not been diagnosed as having it. This book is full of information on the history of narcissism, why someone may have it, and how to deal with a person that does have it.
Think of it as your study guide. I found there are some tips I can use towards my family member. I now understand why they are this way was well. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, just gives you the victim or person dealing with them an inside look why.
I’m personally going to start implementing some of the tips on dealing with a narcissistic person in my relationship with them.
I received this book in exchange for a fair and honest review. My opinions are 100% my own.
I wanted to read this book because there is someone in my life I suspect is narcissistic although they have not been diagnosed as having it. This book is full of information on the history of narcissism, why someone may have it, and how to deal with a person that does have it.
Think of it as your study guide. I found there are some tips I can use towards my family member. I now understand why they are this way was well. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, just gives you the victim or person dealing with them an inside look why.
I’m personally going to start implementing some of the tips on dealing with a narcissistic person in my relationship with them.
I received this book in exchange for a fair and honest review. My opinions are 100% my own.
July 6, 2016
I am always looking to expand my perspective and have a big interest in psychology so I figured I would give this book a read. Unmasking Narcissism is a great book for a different and compassionate outlook on the subject. From the foreward this one kept me interrested with Greek myths of Narcissus and Echo as well as a background of diagnosis of NPD. I really appreciated the point of view that they approach with where the stigma is dropped. This is a great choice for those that want to understand and effectively communicate rather than walk away. Breaking down the symptoms and traits, you gain insight into the workings of narcissistic tendancies. Through examples and tips you can empathize and improve relations with those narcissists in your life. Heck for that matter ive thought of applying some of these practices with my three year old. I received this in exchange for an honest review.
June 9, 2016
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the top most difficult personality disorders to diagnose as well as to treat. The author provides an insight to simplify and understand goals and management in a past or present relationship as well as healing techniques. It can be mind-boggling to live or work with someone who is self-centered and narcissistic. I was pleased to see how well the author explains the importance and understanding that there is good narcissism as well as bad narcissism. This book provides helpful information on understanding the narcissist and is well worth the read. I received the Kindle version of this book for free in exchange for my honest review.
December 11, 2020
This is a great book for an easy introduction to understanding the psychology behind narcissism with practical examples/situations. Some chapters are really hard-hitting.
May 29, 2025
Very concise with practical takeaways.
March 30, 2019
This is a great little book on narcissism. My initial motivation to read a book o the subject came about the 10th or so time I noticed myself making statements about Trump's narcissism with unearned air of authority on the subject. Perhaps I think too highly of myself, that I feel so confident pontificating on these matters, I thought. Or am I just another typical selfish monkey? I read this book to determine the difference, and it came through for that purpose. It also confirmed my suspicion that there is a link between grandiose narcissism and avoidant attachment types, learning about how these systems intersect was interesting. Learning the distinction between vulnerable and grandiose narcissists was fascinating and illuminating. While a Trump-style narcissist spends all his time in a compensated state, protecting himself from his underlying insecurities using denial and projection, vulnerable narcissists constantly display the symptoms of their insecurities (if I lean toward either kind of narcissism, and let's be honest, who doesn't?- it would be this one).
I also appreciated the author's insights as to how mindfulness is helpful with this disorder, for those who suffer from it both directly and indirectly. It's cool to open a random western psychology book and read a sentence like 'You are not your thoughts' within the first few pages. Ultimately, the best 'cure' for these disorders, thoughts, and behaviors seems to be surrender, patience, good humor, and empathy. So much of mental suffering and illness ultimately comes down to some form of defense and resistance... Heres to letting go!
I also appreciated the author's insights as to how mindfulness is helpful with this disorder, for those who suffer from it both directly and indirectly. It's cool to open a random western psychology book and read a sentence like 'You are not your thoughts' within the first few pages. Ultimately, the best 'cure' for these disorders, thoughts, and behaviors seems to be surrender, patience, good humor, and empathy. So much of mental suffering and illness ultimately comes down to some form of defense and resistance... Heres to letting go!
June 19, 2024
Whether someone is narcissistic or not, we are likely have some traits. It's good for all to self reflect and consider our own behaviours.
I feel that this book has helped me in my private life and professionally in order to consider how I can live and work with people that may show traits. But also to ensure I remain humble and grounded and do not become the very thing that we are quick to call others.
I find the term narcissism is used on a regular basis in society and I am guilty of that too. I think that means I have a duty to understand it more and not become part of a society that throws around labels and phrases because it's become a buzz word.
I thought this book really helped me to reflect and consider this further. It offers strategies to manage relationships and doesn't blame others. This book is not about getting the narcissist to admit that they may be a narcissist. This book is about the individual managing boundaries and relationships with someone who may be narcissistic.
Remember, we cannot control others. But we can control our own actions and our own reactions. This book helps with this.
Also, if we attempted to control a narcissist, does this make us any better? I'm making an assumption that most people read this book because they have experiences of someone who has narcissistic traits so it is important that we ensure we do not mirror those behaviours.
I feel that this book has helped me in my private life and professionally in order to consider how I can live and work with people that may show traits. But also to ensure I remain humble and grounded and do not become the very thing that we are quick to call others.
I find the term narcissism is used on a regular basis in society and I am guilty of that too. I think that means I have a duty to understand it more and not become part of a society that throws around labels and phrases because it's become a buzz word.
I thought this book really helped me to reflect and consider this further. It offers strategies to manage relationships and doesn't blame others. This book is not about getting the narcissist to admit that they may be a narcissist. This book is about the individual managing boundaries and relationships with someone who may be narcissistic.
Remember, we cannot control others. But we can control our own actions and our own reactions. This book helps with this.
Also, if we attempted to control a narcissist, does this make us any better? I'm making an assumption that most people read this book because they have experiences of someone who has narcissistic traits so it is important that we ensure we do not mirror those behaviours.
March 9, 2016
Insightful
I would recommend this book for anyone dealing with a narcissist in their lives. The examples are easy to understand and apply to real situations.
I would recommend this book for anyone dealing with a narcissist in their lives. The examples are easy to understand and apply to real situations.
July 5, 2017
Clinical, soulless guide to ease you into codependency.
July 12, 2024
Extremely helpful book to help understand how this emotionally abusive narcissist has used me, never loved me, devalued me, and then discarded me like trash. It doesn't help me understand why because I am not a narcissist, so i don't understand how anyone can treat a human being this way. But this entire book resonated with my current experience of severe emotional abuse at the hands of a complete, 100% narcissist with zero emotional capacity, zero accountability, zero respect for human life, zero ability to feel any compassion or empathy for anyone even his own children whom he sees as "extensions of himself" and nothing more than that as the book clearly explained in detail. SO sad.. it really made me feel sorry for his children, especially and gave me empowerment to realize I am not what he tried so hard to gaslight me into believing I was: worthless. Just because I'm worthless to him as are ALL women and ALL human beings, including his own children, doesn't mean any of us are worthless. We are HIGHLY VALUED PEOPLE AND WE ALL MATTER. Thank the author for helping millions of victims and survivors to understand it isn't us. It is not our fault at all.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 30, 2017
I felt the previous book on narcissism was lacking because it only covered very generals about the disorder, but I wanted to learn more about how to deal with narcissistic people (which is often really difficult since their behaviors aren't predictable). This book was really a great second book to read after How to Handle Narcissist by Theresa Jackson because I felt like it was more of a continuation on the topic, expounded on previously read topics, but really gave me something to work with. What I loved most about this book is that it really just had wonderful strategies that I feel would be helpful just to deal with difficult people, period. The book does an excellent job discussing trigger topics and how to prepare yourself when they are pushed as well as exercises to help you ground yourself.
I made over 20+ notes in my phone on this book along about things for me to remember. My favorite quote: "just as locking the front door protects the people inside, setting boundaries is all about protecting what is important to you."
I made over 20+ notes in my phone on this book along about things for me to remember. My favorite quote: "just as locking the front door protects the people inside, setting boundaries is all about protecting what is important to you."
January 9, 2018
Excellent structured Resource
I gave this book five stars because of it's usefulness in research and layered, again useful learning. I was interested in this personality as a player in a story. This is not a new concept if the character is stereotyped. What about echo? "What if?" idea questions abound. I don't think the author intended this book as a writer's reference. It seems to be the author's intent to create understanding for those seeking a well written volume of understanding the "types" (italics mine) of narcissistic personality and helping the reader become healthy, recover, find a middle ground.
I gave this book five stars because of it's usefulness in research and layered, again useful learning. I was interested in this personality as a player in a story. This is not a new concept if the character is stereotyped. What about echo? "What if?" idea questions abound. I don't think the author intended this book as a writer's reference. It seems to be the author's intent to create understanding for those seeking a well written volume of understanding the "types" (italics mine) of narcissistic personality and helping the reader become healthy, recover, find a middle ground.
January 26, 2020
I appreciate that the author's intention was to help the reader coexist peacefully with a narcissist by better understanding what makes a narcissist tick. It helps you understand the inner psychological workings and the inception of the narcissist's insecurity and lack of self. I really liked the hot potato metaphor, and the discussion on how devaluation doesn't reflect you, but reflects the insecurities the narcissistic person is attempting to offload. Really good short stories that depicted everyday situations with narcissists and how a well adjusted and informed spouse/partner/friend/child should respond, not react, to aggressions from narcissists.
October 28, 2018
This book helped me not only understand how the narcissists in my life think, but also how to deal with them and even avoid situations. This book was an excellent read because it came from a purely psychological perspective, then the author would explain with examples and real life situations so that one would be able to better relate. Buying this book was one of the best decisions I have made to date, and it's a book that I've leant out to multiple people to read already. I highly recommend this book if you feel that you have a narcissist in your life.
July 29, 2019
read it in one sitting. The section on "twinship transferrence" was exactly what I needed to know about but couldn't put my finger on it/didn't know this was a studied and named phenomena.
I would recommend it to people who are unable to avoid a narcissist (i.e. someone they work with, or a client of theirs, or student/patient etc). But for someone in an intimate relationship, I'd say skip this book and read about domestic abuse instead. This is a form of abuse and that isn't made abundantly clear throughout the book.
I would recommend it to people who are unable to avoid a narcissist (i.e. someone they work with, or a client of theirs, or student/patient etc). But for someone in an intimate relationship, I'd say skip this book and read about domestic abuse instead. This is a form of abuse and that isn't made abundantly clear throughout the book.
May 5, 2021
Great value of knowledge to realise, understand and deal with narcissism in life. It shows the way for you to have a more qualified life to enjoy the best with ppl.
But there is no way to reflect your self. Just seeing others without knowing much about your self is somehow dangerous and one-sided, in my opinion.
Also, lack of data and scientific prove: just theory and tell you what to do, how to deal, what other ppl think, etc. will not help your critical thinking. Good for understanding and finding solutions somehow some way.
But there is no way to reflect your self. Just seeing others without knowing much about your self is somehow dangerous and one-sided, in my opinion.
Also, lack of data and scientific prove: just theory and tell you what to do, how to deal, what other ppl think, etc. will not help your critical thinking. Good for understanding and finding solutions somehow some way.
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September 2, 2023This book pissed me off. I understand narcissists are humans, but I don't care. If you want to understand a narcissist, if you are a mark, then read this book. However, if you are trying to break free from the influence of one, like me, then leave them alone.
TBH I didn't read past the introduction, but that was all I needed to do in order to get over this book. It talks about how there's Narcissus and there's Echo. If you know the story, and you feel like Echo's pussyass, this is the book for you.
TBH I didn't read past the introduction, but that was all I needed to do in order to get over this book. It talks about how there's Narcissus and there's Echo. If you know the story, and you feel like Echo's pussyass, this is the book for you.
January 3, 2025
incredible book about NPD. i’ve been dying to read a book that deals with narcissism without stigmatizing it and a lot of people recommend this book and they were right. it deals with the NPD symptoms, both the grandiose and vulnerable type, and how to deal with it without being condescending or hurtful. i think people have done too much damage talking about “narc abuse” – ‘cause yes, people with NPD can be abusive but not every abusers has NPD and not every person with NPD is abusive.
i really recommend this book to people that don’t know much about this disorder.
i really recommend this book to people that don’t know much about this disorder.
January 11, 2019
Enlightening and helpful
This book as recommended to me by a friend, when I shared with her about how I had long suspected that another friend was a narcissist and gaslighting me. Having been married to an abusive, grandiose narcissist for 14 years, I can spot them a mile away. However knowing that there is also a type called the “vulnerable narcissist”, and reading all about them here, really opened my eyes and confirmed my suspicions. Thank you!
This book as recommended to me by a friend, when I shared with her about how I had long suspected that another friend was a narcissist and gaslighting me. Having been married to an abusive, grandiose narcissist for 14 years, I can spot them a mile away. However knowing that there is also a type called the “vulnerable narcissist”, and reading all about them here, really opened my eyes and confirmed my suspicions. Thank you!
May 24, 2019
Several titles I've come across discussing narcissism are very negative (with good reason), but this title is more even-handed. It's particularly useful for someone that wants to improve one's relationship with someone on the narcissist spectrum. It's not terribly in-depth, it mostly provides tactics and insight for having more productive conversations with a narcissist and tips to be more assertive.
June 18, 2019
I learned a lot, but the book should come with more warnings that it's not because some aspects are there, that the person is in fact a narcissist. It somehow falls into its own trap of black vs white.
Anyway, there are good tips and things to say and how to think about the situation written here, and also a humanisation of narcissists. Often when people get a label, there are no longer viewed as a human, but as something broken. This book counters that idea, and I like that.
Anyway, there are good tips and things to say and how to think about the situation written here, and also a humanisation of narcissists. Often when people get a label, there are no longer viewed as a human, but as something broken. This book counters that idea, and I like that.
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