All Children Flourishing: Igniting the Greatness of Our Children

by Howard Glasser

This approach was originally designed to help families help their difficult children better adapt to school and family life. During years of using this approach with these children, however, I discovered that it works beautifully to foster inner strength, higher achievement, happiness, security and exemplary conduct in every child. It is not just another positive approach to parenting designed to improve behavior. Rather, it s an approach to greatness, a method of recognizing and appreciating the gifts each child possesses. Parents who had been desperate to find something that worked and adopted the Nurtured Heart Approach with their difficult child typically also used the approach with their other children, because it s just easier that way. They would then report similar, extraordinary they described their other children as flourishing beyond anything they had ever seen or experienced before. This approach gives parents enormous power to help every child navigate an ever more complex world with confidence and an inner compass of greatness. Children need a real inheritance, not monetary wealth, but inner wealth. We may no longer have the luxury of using old methods - conventional and traditional ways of instilling self-esteem and enforcing/reinforcing positive choices considering all that a child faces these days. We need approaches that put us all in an advantageous a place where parents have tools at their disposal that reliably infuse their children with enormous inner strength. We can no longer just occasionally urge our children to feel self-worth, to make better choices and to have a better attitude. A more proactive approach is needed. We have to give them irrefutable evidence, in real time, that they are successful…right here and right now!

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help

200 pages, Paperback

First published January 15, 2008

Reviews

[Damien · Rating 3 out of 5]

I want to carefully distinguish two separate reviews here. One is of the "content" of this book, that is, the philosophy of the "Nurtured Heart Approach," and the second is of the delivery – the voice, style, etc. of the book itself, as taken separately from the philosophy.

I find the philosophy extremely compelling. On its own, I give the philosophy 4 stars. It would reach 5 if it had better scholarly references supporting the author's conclusions and documenting his examples. But by and large, the philosophy is agreeable, interesting, and sensible strategy that I'm eager to implement. With better references and supporting documentation, I would be more glowing, but I'll reserve judgment until I see more, hopefully first hand.

Now for the delivery. Simply awful, 2 stars, giving 3 for the package. First, that philosophical content, compelling as it is, along with the examples, could have been delivered in 1/3 the pages, 1/2 to be charitable. There was clearly a lot of padding going on to make the book long enough to sell. Second, the linguistic choices are simply awful. This is entirely a matter of subjective opinion, and I realize that others will disagree, but the verbiage is hippy-dippy, soft and squishy, pablum that feels like the sort of language that goes along with a "give everyone a trophy for showing up" sort of mentality. Interestingly, that is not the philosophy being presented, but the language used to describe it... ugh. I would not be surprised if many readers mistake the delivery for the message and take away completely the wrong message as a result. So saccharine as to make my teeth hurt. I found myself making the effort to rewrite passages in my head, into more palatable language, just so I could keep reading without giving up. (This tells you valuable I found the content overall – that I was willing to put forth this effort and not simply give up.) I look forward to a day when 60s-70s, love and rainbows idealism, with which I honestly tend to agree, can be presented using language that isn't so cloying. (This same problem haunts Jungians, the New Age generally, some corners of feminist writing, etc. and serves, in my humble opinion, to slow/stop the spread of worthy ideas to broader audiences.)

If you're interested in parenting philosophy, absolutely read it. But don't expect a concise or scholarly statement – be ready for fluff!

[Teri Pardue · Rating 4 out of 5]

"You love your children. You tell them so every chance you get. You wish they could grasp the depth, width, breadth, and weight of that love –and be able to hold it inside themselves as a source of fortitude and joy. “I love you” doesn’t even seem to tell the smallest part of the story. This is exactly what the Nurtured Heart Approach is about: It is not about saying “I love you,” but about acts of love that fill the recipient with a deep assurance that he is not only okay, but he is great. He is not only worthy of love when he’s “being good”; his very essence is worth celebrating on a daily basis."


This book was fascinating and enlightening. I really enjoyed it and can honestly say it had positive impacts on my parenting (not something I would say about very many books).
It starts out a bit pompous-sounding with myriad of examples of how this approach has transformed kids and schools. But I encourage readers to give Glasser a chance and hear him out. There is something here for everyone and beautiful insight into children and how we can help them grow into healthy, happy, confident adults. I'd recommend this to parents and teachers alike.



Some quotes from the book that give an idea of the content:
"Many children –particularly those who are more needy, intense and/ or sensitive than the next child –form their impressions in a specific way that leads to challenging behavior issues later on… because they see that the adults in their lives, their ultimate toys, are much more interesting when things are going wrong than when they are going right. We adults have far more captivating, energized, animated responses to children when there is adversity. And the traditional or conventional approaches to parenting merely reinforce this impression" (Chapter1).

"Let’s say you’re in the toy store with your child, who has just asked you for a toy. You say “no” and that it’s time to leave. The child sighs sadly and turns to head for the door. You stop him outside, get down to his level, look in his eyes and say: I appreciate the choice you just made. You somehow decided not to argue. I feel that didn’t just happen. You used good judgment and inner wisdom and made the big effort needed to walk away, even though you were unhappy when I told you that you couldn’t have that toy. Thank you for making that successful choice. A statement like this reflects back to the child an infinitely more powerful and encompassing level of success, giving his eyes and ears a first-hand experience of his positive impact on another. Because it is woven into a real-life experience, it is irrefutable –can’t be defended against –in contrast to general and global statements of praise that can easily hit the radar as just more of the same and be taken down by the child’s defenses. Because it feels irrefutable, it is almost like an immediate download of new software that gives the child the feeling “this is who I really am.” It’s not a question of whether I can or can’t: I am someone with these qualities. This is the part that I have found to be so powerful in my work with children" (Chapter 3).

"This is far more effective than warnings (“ If you _________, I’m going to have to _________!!!” or “Don’t you dare _________!”), which are basically an embossed invitation to the child to push your buttons and extract your precious relationship and energy. In our society, we think of warnings as an act of compassion. From an energetic point of view, however, warnings are ill-timed rewards: more $ 100 bills flowing at the wrong moments."

"Imagine the child who is asked pleasantly, “Would you please set the table?” You can almost hear this child’s hard drive ticking as he evaluates the options on the desktop of his mind. There, he has folders containing ever-accumulating evidence of what is true. One folder is labeled “When I Comply” and it’s full of skimpy, low-energy parental responses, little shreds of mild positivity like “thank you” and “good job.” Another folder, labeled “When I Don’t Comply,” is packed with examples of heightened relationship and excitement because the child is accustomed to a big blast of intimacy and energy every time he refuses to do your bidding. Which folder do you think he’ll open up? In this category of recognition, we essentially create the compliance before the child can do otherwise… and then we demonstrate that he gets that energetic hit, the intimate connection and the heightened level of presence for the successful choice. We fill up that “When I Comply” folder with evidence that there is abundant energy and relationship for success and for following the rules."

"Warnings and Lectures energize Problems. Warnings are leaks of negativity. You’re throwing another log on the very fire you are trying to put out. It won’t get you where you want to go. Warnings still carry the charge of energy and relationship. Saying to a child, “Joey, I don’t like when you are mean to your brother… now don’t do that again!” keeps handing out evidence of relationship when things are going wrong, especially for the child who has come to feel relatively invisible when he’s not bothering his brother."

"Positive discipline for preschoolers almost always involves the tool of redirection: the child is directed away from an activity where rules are being broken (or are about to be) and into a more suitable activity. Two-to five-year-olds are generally considered to be too young to be disciplined in any other way. But from the Nurtured Heart “energy” standpoint, using this tactic is tantamount to starting these preschoolers on the $ 100-for-poor-choices gravy train. Let’s say your preschooler is playing with his friend while you’re engaged in some paperwork at your desk in the next room. Your son decides to see what happens if he smacks his buddy. The friend’s screeching draws you to the scene. You find out what happened and take your child aside, speaking to him gently about how he mustn’t hit and how it’s wrong and not nice to the friend. Or perhaps you offer a few stern, highly energized words about how he must not hit. Then you take him to a cool new activity and stay until he’s engaged in it. Your child plays peacefully for a bit but then starts to get bored. He is now once again craving that attention and energy from his “favorite toy.” He gets it by… smacking his buddy again."

[Kyra · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's not beautiful writing but it's a powerful message that has been working for us, so far. I highly recommend it for all parents but especially parents of 'intense' kids.

[Jenna Lee Dillon · Rating 4 out of 5]

The message of this book - that is, the parenting style and reasoning behind it - is gold. I’ve seen incredible transformation by applying there principles in my home.

The delivery...well I just keep thinking that this book could have twice as many examples but half as much fluff and still be half this long. It’s a shame, because those who aren’t dedicated readers are not going to be willing to plow through the book. And they’d be missing an incredible approach.

I suggest a shortened rewrite...a condensed version.

I gave it an extra star because I loved the last chapter that is for the parents‘ greatness. Bravo!

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a middle school English teacher and the majority of my students are stuck in negativity all day long. This approach to helping kids learn where they are great is so important and necessary to making sure those kids realize their own amazing selves. I’ve already started using this approach in my classroom and plan to keep it going.

Yes, the writing is a little stilted and inelegant; however, the message is much more important.

[Kristin Gerela · Rating 4 out of 5]

In just two days, this philosophy of igniting greatness is working in our home.

[momster2u · Rating 4 out of 5]

Makes total sense. I purchased paperback to have on hand to remind myself to find all the good things in my children.

[Yvonne South · Rating 5 out of 5]

This works!

This isn't the easiest read but it's well worth ploughing through. The results with 2 very difficult children have been immediate.

[K · Rating 2 out of 5]

Glasser made some interesting points but unfortunately, the writing style really detracted and ultimately, he wasn't saying much that was new. The basic thesis of the book (stated repetitively and wordily, with lots of unnecessary sections such as wordlists of adjectives describing "greatness") is, if you have a difficult child, put more energy into responding to their good moments and far less into responding to their difficult moments. Catch them being good, basically, and the well-known concept that even negative attention is more reinforcing than no attention so don't reward misbehavior with negative attention. I think every parent wants to do this; alas, we're all naturally more reactive if a child is about to seriously injure his little sibling than if a child ties his shoe independently. I wish it were otherwise, but it's a fact of life and I think there's only so much we can do to change it.

Glasser goes on to say that you should create opportunities to catch your child being good, like asking them to do something they've already started to do so you can praise them for following your instructions, etc. Hmm. Maybe. More than likely, my kids would protest, "But I was already doing it!"

In what I thought was one of the more insightful moments of the book, he describes kids' attraction to video games and explains that kids do best in situations with very clear rules, major rewards, and limited consequences which basically consist of being temporarily expelled from the opportunity to earn the reward. Okay. I can hear that. He uses the video game parallel to demonstrate the kind of world parents should set up for all kids, especially intense ones -- lots of high-energy positive reinforcement for good behavior, brief, low-energy time-outs for bad behavior. Sounds good in theory, but in reality, it's hard for a parent to play full-time cheerleader while they attend to all the other responsibilities they have. Also, Glasser was never really clear on what his time-outs consisted of. They can be brief, he says, and you don't necessarily have to send the kid to their room. Okay -- so what ARE you doing when you put your kid in time-out? For all the circuitousness and repetitiveness of the book, this never gets explained.

I also thought he had an interesting point when he said that stating rules in the negative makes them clearer and easier to follow than stating them in the positive. I agree, but there are still some ambiguities. You don't want your kid to be chutzpadig to you, but you do want to allow for some healthy self-expression and not repress everything. So how do you make a clear rule about not being chutzpadig, positive or negative? I'm all for clear rules, especially if you have an intense child; unfortunately, Glasser didn't go far enough in addressing this issue.

Anyway, I did sense that Glasser had a good understanding of what difficult, intense children are like. I wish the tools he were offering me were more practical and helpful.

[Colette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow - what a find! I am so excited about this book. I heard about this author while listening to an educational seminar presented by Margaret Dawson (Scattered but Smart). The statistics she presented from "this guy's" theory/work were unbelievable, I had to read this book to find out for myself.

I'm only part of the way through but here are some of the gold nuggets so far:

1) Find greatness in every moment - make success inevitable
(sometimes it takes breaking actions down into mini-mini steps to find something positive, but it is there -- just think of trainers working with Shamu who begin training with the bar set very low - as low as possible before moving up)

2) Look for ways to keep those around you in a "time-in" rather than a "time-out" -- make life/environment so "great" a person would never want to be in a "time-out"

3) Consequences should be clear-cut and brief -- we want to be back in "the game"
(think of the success of video games and organized sports - very clear cut boundaries and consequences, then it is quickly back to "game on")

See -- this guy is onto something!

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Extremely repetitive but worth a shot if you are struggling with difficult children in your life.