The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens

by Stephanie Brill, Lisa Kenney

Is it just a phase, a fad, or a real issue with your teen? This comprehensive guidebook explores the unique challenges that thousands of families face every day raising a teenager who may be transgender, gender-variant or gender-fluid. Covering extensive research and with many personal interviews, as well as years of experience working in the field, the author covers pressing concerns relating to physical and emotional development, social and school pressures, medical options, and family communications. Learn how parents can advocate for their children, find acceptable colleges and career paths, and raise their gender variant or transgender adolescent with love and compassion.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Parenting, Transgender, Gender, Self Help, Queer

355 pages, Paperback

First published September 13, 2016

Reviews

[Dar · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book. It has one message - love and accept your teen - repeated about 50,000 times. They use the phrase "transgender, non-binary or gender expansive" to refer to the teens, which is both inclusive and cumbersome. It would have been helpful to include separate sections on the struggles that are more common within each of those identities. Really, generalizing a bit would have been OK. For example, the authors say some teens may experience gender dysphoria, while others love and accept their bodies. So, if you have a child with gender dysphoria, how can you help? The authors speak too much about "your teen could experience this or that" without providing any specific help except to love your child. I get it, we should love our kids.

There is a good chapter about intersectionality and oppression, and a chapter about fears entitled "What Keeps You Up at Night." Practical parenting tips start in chapter 10 (out of 12); I would start there. Even so, it is full of platitudes such as "spend more time listening than talking" and "your teen needs to know that you believe in them."

Startlingly, the book doesn't address parents' feelings at all - it tells you to mask your feelings, get help outside the home, and be strong for your child. Although all parents have to "fake it till they make it," I think it's OK to learn together and be vulnerable, as long as you are still in a parental role and can keep your family life functioning. The book needed much more acknowledgement of parents' own pain, grief and uncertainty, in addition to focusing on good outcomes for the teen.

There weren't enough quotes and examples of real families and their experiences in the book; instead everything was explained. Siblings, school, sports, hobbies, church and other aspects of life were barely mentioned except as possible locales for discrimination. There was almost nothing on healthy friendships or dating.

The biggest omission in the book was medical terminology and information. It includes no definitions or options for parents to think about. As a result, if you read this book and your teen starts up a conversation about hormones or surgery, you will be completely unprepared. The authors could easily have provided some information without going into advice for particular situations.

An issue for many families is that one parent supports the child while another refuses to; this is not addressed.

I like that the book has a positive tone and encourages acceptance and advocacy. But I think parents need much more specific help and advice, for themselves as well as their teens.

The authors' previous book, The Transgender Child, was much better and I still recommend it although it came out in 2008.

Note: I am a parent of a young adult who is genderqueer and transmasculine.

[S.B. (Beauty in Ruins) · Rating 4 out of 5]

The only thing tougher than being the parent of a teenager is being the parent of a transgender teenager. You still have to deal with the same challenges that came with your teenage years, but now you also have to understand, support, and encourage an entirely new facet of your child’s life.

While The Transgender Teen can be very dry and clinical in places, sometimes catering a little too much to the professionals, it is also separated into easily digestible sections that are perfect for parents, complete with Dummies-style call-outs, questions, and bullets that break down the ‘big’ issues. It is a very well-organized book that can (and should) be read cover-to-cover, but which is also useful for quick reference needs.

I loved that the book never looks at being transgender as a problem to be solved, and never criticizes parents for their struggle to understand. It is a book that directly addresses the fears and concerns of parents, understanding that they themselves need help coping with the changes in their child’s life so that they can take an active role in being a supportive influence.

It is not just about mere acceptance either (although that, of course, is a key beginning) - it is also a book that deals with adolescent development, finding proper medical care, stress and resilience, and overall acceptance. Brill and Kenney talk openly about the challenges of family, school, church, and the community in general. I like that their approach is very non-confrontational, never attacking an idea or an institution, but also never excusing them. I also like the way they provide concrete examples of damaging practices and affirming activities, giving parents something to work from.

Although I would have like a chapter that talks to the teens directly, that is hardly a deal-breaker. The Transgender Teen is written for parents and professionals, and I think any teenager fortunate enough to have it in their home will benefit from its presence.


Originally reviewed for Frock Magazine

[Beth Menendez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellently written and informative and set up in a way that will make it easy to come back to when trying to remember what was learned so that real learning can happen.

[Landrey Bickel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a social worker that works in this domain. It is definitely geared towards the parents of gender nonconforming kids but I see the value in it for professionals, parents, friends, or anyone that is around youth.

[Seana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I understand why the author addresses the reader as a parent, caregiver, or youth worker who is unfamiliar with genders outside the boy/girl binary and who may be struggling with understanding and acceptance. It felt like too much time was spent telling the reader how much catching up they have to do with their teen and how hard it might be (but important) to accept their child. My guess is, if someone has picked this book up to read, they are already on board with supporting their child and advocating for/with them and are looking for the best ways to do that.

Having said that, about halfway through the book, when the author gets around to addressing how parents can and should support their trans and non-binary children, the book did deliver on solid, practical actions. I particularly appreciated the emphasis on finding a supportive community of like peers. This made a huge difference for my kiddo in their continued exploration of who they are. Also, the kind but firm approach outlined about sharing the news with family was very helpful. Finally, the book was effective in refreshing reader on typical teen development, as well as how going through a gender transition may impact a youth's development. This is great for perspective!

Overall, this book is a wonderful resource for parents of trans, non-binary, and gender questioning youth. If you are fairly open and supportive already, the beginning chapters may be worth skimming, but don't feel the need to read cover to cover. If you are genuinely new to all the terminology and are struggling with the idea of your child not fitting the binary, a more thorough read may be of greater value.

[Shannon Wyss · Rating 5 out of 5]

An outstanding guide for parents raising trans, gender non-conforming, and non-binary teens. It explains trans-specific identity development within the context of adolescence and is clear on why parents must support their young people. Also contains an extensive glossary.

The subtitle implies that the book is also for others, but it really is 98% geared toward parents. Not that non-parents can't get something out of this. There's just not much here directed at teachers, social workers, therapists, friends, etc. This is a very parent-focused book.

I could also quibble about their use of "preferred pronouns" (as opposed to just "pronouns") and "transboys" and "transgirls" (as opposed to splitting those words so that "trans" functions as an adjective). Hopefully, the authors will get with the program on those vocabulary changes in the future.

A highly recommended book for any parent raising a TGNC or questioning teen. If you want to support your young person so they survive -- and thrive -- this book offers critical tools to do so.

[Kit · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book reads like a solid first draft. While it's certainly not terrible and has potential, it desperately needs to visit an editor or three. There are typos galore and the organizational flow is all over the place. Further, outside of the first couple chapters, it's not really about transgender teens at all, it's just about teenagers and adolescent development, with an occasional reminder that trans folks experience discrimination and plenty of advertisements for Gender Spectrum.

If you can get a copy for free and are curious about all the new language today's teens have invented to talk about gender, I'd recommend reading the first two chapters. Anything else is not really worth it though.


Also, this is about GoodReads and not The Transgender Teen, but it's curious that they are only allowing me to rate the Kindle version. I don't even own a Kindle. I read the paperback version. Don't think it really matters though...

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was useful in a textbook way. It was quite repetitive but was laid out in a way that allowed the reader to choose the material they wanted to read. As a parent, I’m not sure how much I found of use for me but it is a good overview. I did appreciate the chapters about gender as a spectrum. I do feel there needs to be a newer edition. I feel like so much has changed for teens in the last five years, especially around peer acceptance, that some of the information might be outdated.

[Jennifer G · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was very repetititive. I felt like the author was trying to reach 300 pages instead of just writing a smaller, more compact book. While a lot of the subject matter is common sense, I did learn a few things.

[Freda Anderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like this is great for people who are new to this, but not good for people who already know a bit about the subject.

[Heather K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Would be a great book for someone with no background on the subject. It does have some incredible conversation guides and lists of questions to use/avoid that are worth revisiting when needed.

[Sol Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

A handbook for parents, educators, and anyone else who might encounter teenagers. Dude, if you think you understand the socio-construction of gender and how it relates to modern people, you ESPECIALLY need to read this, because you probably don’t know what you don’t know. Be teachable. Be an ally. Be woke, y’all.

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an informative book about trans teens. Yet there is an issue I have with the book. It went into teen development. That is nice and all =, but it also seems to drop the trans focus in this part. I get that there is still being research in trans teens. But what I would have liked is more focus on the teen navigating trans life while at the same time navigating teen life. The rest of the book went in depth of the teen who happens to be trans. It would also help if it also focused on men who come out as trans as a teen to be a little bit more of the focus.

[Charlie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Informational but with enough examples and emotion to help you know how your child feels. I only gave it four stars instead of 5 because as a transgender teen, it made me cry (for good reasons though).

[Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very helpful at this stage of my parenting journey. Lots of relevant information. The version I read was a bit outdated and some medical advice/limitations didn’t apply in Canada.

[Mark Kalet · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful but confusing in the way they explain a number of things. Also, every chapter essentially warns of the dangers of suicide but tries to downplay it at the same time.

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book both help me and scared the crap out of me while learning to understand my non-binary teens journey.

[A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent resource, but really one meant for the very start of a family's gender identity conversations. Good to give to grandparents or loved ones who are playing catch up!

[Kimberlee Yeargin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read many books with an eye towards how to be present for my own child/teen who is transgender, but also as a physician to try to understand how to help parents learn and cope with the challenges of being a parent of a gender expansive child/teen. There are many good things about this book. I would recommend it as an introduction if you are just learning about someone in your life in this age group expressing gender questioning. It is less helpful as to what the next steps SPECIFICALLY you should do to help your child (regarding puberty blockers, hormones). There are two things that they touch on in this book which were interesting to me as a parent. The first one was the association with the autism spectrum with gender expensive identity. The second one was the association with eating disorder with questioning gender identity. I have seen a mention of these associations in the past. My daughter started to question whether she was on the autism spectrum quite recently (we never got her tested). Also, she has always been very thin but I wondered for awhile if she was abnormally thin because she wanted to look more feminine. This is no longer an issue but it is interesting to me that sometimes this can be the case.

I liked this book. I agree that although there is a large grief process that as a parent I went through initially, I did not share this with my daughter because it is a huge burden for a child to carry in addition to trying to negotiate how she fits in the world. I wholeheartedly agree with the authors that it is important to talk to someone about but it should not be shared with your child.

[Cheryl Cristello · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book because as a facilitator of our local PFLAG support group for parents, allies, and others, of trans* and gender non-conforming (TGnC) youth I have not had the experience of raising such children. Even though I myself am trans*, I learned a great deal.

Some of the information such as loving and supporting ones children unconditionally, seemed intuitively obvious, but the parenting parts of how to best engage and provide support children was new to me. This book was well written without being highly technical and in my mind is especially good not only for parents but also other family members, teachers, clergy, and other community members. I also think that older teens might also find ideas and comfort in reading this book.

The glossary at the end is very helpful in helping us learn about current terminology.

[Public Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book out of obligation to someone very close to me. It was a challenging read for me. I was not always super excited to pick this book up every day, but I am glad I did.

The early going felt kind of political, but it was worth getting outside of my comfort zone. The later parts of the book are filled with real, specific actions parents can take. I truly appreciated that.

Sometimes it feels like I don't have the words to get these conversations going. Reading this, getting that language, was vital for me. I marked many passages along the way for further discussion with my important person. Honestly, anyone navigating these waters could really benefit from this kind of guidance. To the authors, I say thank you.

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a little dry and hard to get through, but there was some really great information and ideas. It dispelled several myths about trans and non-binary teens that I had heard from others after they found out that one of my children is non-binary. Some of the ideas about helping trans and non-binary teens can be used for cisgender teens as well. This book would probably be more useful for people who are totally new to the idea of people who are transgender and non-binary. I would recommend this to any adult who works with teenagers professionally, or who has a trans or non-binary teen in their life.

[Jeaux Bartlett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I read this book at the beginning of my teen's gender journey. Instead I learned it by doing and finally listened to the audio book.

This is such an important and affirming book for parents of transgender teens. It's full of grounded, factual information on gender, the necessity of supporting your child in their gender, and how to go about doing that.

I've learned this information independently, and lived it, and it was still and helpful read. It confirmed some things I'd been mulling over and affirmed others. And even taught me some things.

It's a dry read. Even so, I highly recommend it.

[Karli Sherwinter · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really helpful book for anyone beginning their journey with a non-binary or trans youth. I wish that I had found the gender spectrum website right when our child came out. At this point, I feel like I knew most of the information in the book. It was still emotional for me to read about all of the teens who don’t live in supportive households or who have to fight against intolerance on a regular basis. The definitions in this book are especially important for those who feel confused by any of the terminology about gender nonconforming individuals.

[Ziv · Rating 5 out of 5]

Starting this book I was not expecting it to be good. I have tried to read nonfiction about transgender and nonbinary people like myself but very few use proper terminology and the words used are outdated if not outright wrong. As a Gender Diverse person myself I was hooked into reading this book and would recommend it to ALL parents of Transgender and nonbinary teens. This book has so much accurate information and includes everything I would want to tell my parents. Truly Amazing read.

[Kimberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

My only complaint about this book is that it's repetitive. Otherwise it's a very complete and detailed manual for any parent or adult with a transgender or gender-nonconforming young person in their lives. I recommend this to everyone who wants a firmer grasp on understanding gender and how to support young people's journey of self-discovery and affirmation.

[Andie_4 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I agree with some reviews about how she kept reiterating support your teen and if as a parent you've picked up this book you've already decided to support your teen. This book was wonderful and we suggested this to the grandparents, who all read this book and helped answer their questions and concerns. Very much recommend this book.

[Fin · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best

This guide was the most accurate to our situation and had the best advise of any of the gender books I've read. I'd highly recommend it and hope to get some of my family to read it as well.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful used as a reference book. A bit repetitive as a cover to cover read. Invaluable information for parents finding their footing. Well written books, such as this, that treat the subject of transgender and (yay!) non-binary individuals with sensitivity and truth are a gift.

[Laura Rueckert · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent resource full of great information. If you've already read The Transgender Child, you'll find some overlap, but there are still new useful aspects dealing especially with teenagers. It is sometimes a bit repetitive, but I'd definitely recommend it.