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Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders
There are more older people in America today than ever before. They are our parents and grandparents, our aunts and uncles and in-laws. They are living longer, but in a culture that has come to worship youth--a culture in which families have dispersed, communities have broken down, and older people are isolated. Meanwhile, adults in two-career families are struggling to divide their time among their kids, their jobs, and their aging parents--searching for the right words to talk about loneliness, forgetfulness, or selling the house. Another Country is a field guide to this rough terrain for a generation of baby boomers who are finding themselves unprepared to care for those who have always cared for them. Psychologist and bestselling writer Mary Pipher maps out strategies that help bridge the gaps that separate us from our elders. And with her inimitable combination of respect and realism, she offers us new ways of supporting each other--new ways of sharing our time, our energy, and our love.
455 pages, Hardcover
Published January 1, 1999
39 people are currently reading
685 people want to read
About the author
Mary Pipher
21 books336 followersMary Elizabeth Pipher, also known as Mary Bray Pipher, is an American clinical psychologist and author, most recently of Women Rowing North, a book on aging gracefully. Prior to that, she wrote The Green Boat, which was published by Riverhead Books in June 2013.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 91 reviews
May 23, 2011
this book definitely opened my eyes to the experiences and feelings of older people in our country. it was at times extremely depressing and also extremely comforting. pipher says we struggle to understand our elders because we have never been their position. instead of trying to bridge that divide, we often ignore them and distance ourselves from them. since reading this i find myself looking at older people in an entirely different light. i sympathize with them and wonder about what their experiences have been. although this book is likely more beneficial to people a generation or two above me, whose parents are a bit older than my own, i thought it was really insightful and think most people would learn something worthwhile from it.
quotes, poems & stories that stuck out to me:
“the death of an old person is like the burning of a library” p. 10-11 alex haley
“many old people live in segregated communities. Some choose to live separately from the young ….but most just become slowly more isolated” p. 18
“lois never remarried. She told randy that when a man wants a wife her age, it’s for a nurse or a purse, and she wasn’t willing to offer either.” P. 33
“in our culture, adult means ‘self-sufficient.’ Autonomy is our highest virtue. We want relationships that have no strings attached instead of understanding, as one lady told me, ‘honey, life ain’t nothing but strings.’” P. 51
“If we view life as a timeline, we realize that all of us are sometimes more and sometimes less dependent on others. At certain stages we are caretakers, and at other stages we are cared for. Neither stage is superior to the other. Neither implies pathology or weakness. Both are just the results of life having seasons and circumstances. In fact, good mental health is not a matter of being dependent or independent, but of being able to accept the stage one is in with grace and dignity. It’s an awareness of being, over the course of one’s lifetime, continually interdependent” P. 52
People born early in the century are the last Americans to grow up in a world in which all behavior mattered. Today, autonomy is king. As long as we don’t bother anybody, it doesn’t matter if we drink too much, spend money foolishly, or are dying of cancer. Most of the people we meet don’t know or care about what we do. They may want our money or our services, but not the details of our lives. Their main hope is that we not make trouble or interrupt their work. Without community there is no morality.” (p. 69)
One summer when my mother was a girl, her family’s entire wheat crop was wiped out by hail. After the damage was assessed, her father said, ‘There is nothing we can do here. Let’s take a trip.’ The family drove across the country to Niagara Falls, camping and visiting relatives and friends along the way. Except for visits to her grandparents, this was the only vacation of my mother’s childhood.
My daughter-in-law’s grandfather also had his crop hailed out one summer. He stood quietly on the porch looking at the ice-filled fields and the stripped plants. Then he said to his family, “Gather up those hailstones and let’s make some ice cream.”
The people who survived this century have much to teach us about resiliency. They know how to laugh, to dance, and to share meals with one another.” P. 83
“If you can’t change your life, change your attitude.” P. 107
“What I learned from my mother” by Julia kasdorf
I learned from my mother how to love
The living, to have plenty of vases on hand
In case you have to rush to the hospital
With peonies cut from the lawn, black ants
Still stuck to the buds. I learned to save jars
Large enough to hold fruit salad for a whole
Grieving household, to cube homemade pears
And peaches, to slice through maroon grape skins
And flick out the sexual seeds with a knifepoint.
I learned to attend viewings even if I didn’t know
The deceased, to press the moist hands,
Of the living, to look in their eyes and offer
Sympathy, as though I understood loss even then.
I learned that whatever we say means nothing,
What anyone will remember is that we came.
I learned to believe I had the power to ease
Awful pains materially like an angel.
Like a doctor I learned to create
From another’s suffering my own usefulness, and once
You know how to do this, you can never refuse.
To every house you enter, you must offer
Healing: a chocolate cake you baked yourself,
The blessing of your voice, your chaste touch.” P. 117
“We were going to leave a mark on the world
but instead the world left marks on us” p. 130 Wallace stegner
In American culture we find it acceptable to give children feedback. We say, “don’t chew with your mouth open,” or, “it’s not polite to burp in public.” Children may not always like this feedback, but they learn form it. However, we consider it rude to give feedback to any adults except our mates or our employees. This custom can be harmful. We all have bad habits and nasty traits, and at the age we stop hearing about them, they are likely to get worse. Without feedback, people are likely to become rude, self-centered, eccentric, and out of touch. (p. 148)
“to Fred” by mirage
To walk alone, where there is none
but memories. To be the one
remaining when you are gone.
The day you left me, dear,
My life was rent in two.
Now walking wounded I go along
through life as half.
One leg is not enough
To keep my balance and to move
Along my destined way
With strength and dignity
So many things I cannot do
With only one small hand.
Unfinished tasks reproach me
And mock my helplessness.
I cannot hear the music clear.
Not see the sunsets glow.
My senses dimmed, my mind grew dull
When I lost sight of you.
But, most of all I lost my heart,
Not half for you owned all of it.
The shell remains, it walks and talks,
But joy there is none.
How could there be
When Love is gone?
p. 173-4
“Losing physical beauty is hard fro some older women. If a woman has always been stunning, liver spots, extra pounds, and wrinkles can affect core identity issues. Ordinary looking women are likely to fare better. They have less to mourn—they have identities built on relationships, not complexions. Ann Menebroker wrote, “The way to stay beautiful is to avoid mirrors and look only at those who truly love you back.” P. 176 ---something to be thankful for as an average-looking woman ;)
“The Japanese have a word that captures the intensity of feeling two strong emotions at the same time. Wabi-sabi means experiencing beauty and sadness. We need such a word in the English language. The word would describe that mixture of happiness and sadness when we drive away from a wonderful reunion, loved and loving and empty an alone all at the same moment…” p. 205
“Happiness is good for the body, but it is grief which develops strength of mind” p. 214 Marcel Proust
“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s been some kind of pain” p. 214 bob Dylan
“‘We’ve got it all wrong in our culture. The young should identify birds. They’ve got the eyes for it. The old should go to rock concerts. We can hear that music and see the light shows just fine.” P. 221
“When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people. Now I admire kind people” p. 245 rabbi Abraham Joshua Herschel
“Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” P. 245 Henry James
“The prayers of all good people are good” p. 261 willla cather
quotes, poems & stories that stuck out to me:
“the death of an old person is like the burning of a library” p. 10-11 alex haley
“many old people live in segregated communities. Some choose to live separately from the young ….but most just become slowly more isolated” p. 18
“lois never remarried. She told randy that when a man wants a wife her age, it’s for a nurse or a purse, and she wasn’t willing to offer either.” P. 33
“in our culture, adult means ‘self-sufficient.’ Autonomy is our highest virtue. We want relationships that have no strings attached instead of understanding, as one lady told me, ‘honey, life ain’t nothing but strings.’” P. 51
“If we view life as a timeline, we realize that all of us are sometimes more and sometimes less dependent on others. At certain stages we are caretakers, and at other stages we are cared for. Neither stage is superior to the other. Neither implies pathology or weakness. Both are just the results of life having seasons and circumstances. In fact, good mental health is not a matter of being dependent or independent, but of being able to accept the stage one is in with grace and dignity. It’s an awareness of being, over the course of one’s lifetime, continually interdependent” P. 52
People born early in the century are the last Americans to grow up in a world in which all behavior mattered. Today, autonomy is king. As long as we don’t bother anybody, it doesn’t matter if we drink too much, spend money foolishly, or are dying of cancer. Most of the people we meet don’t know or care about what we do. They may want our money or our services, but not the details of our lives. Their main hope is that we not make trouble or interrupt their work. Without community there is no morality.” (p. 69)
One summer when my mother was a girl, her family’s entire wheat crop was wiped out by hail. After the damage was assessed, her father said, ‘There is nothing we can do here. Let’s take a trip.’ The family drove across the country to Niagara Falls, camping and visiting relatives and friends along the way. Except for visits to her grandparents, this was the only vacation of my mother’s childhood.
My daughter-in-law’s grandfather also had his crop hailed out one summer. He stood quietly on the porch looking at the ice-filled fields and the stripped plants. Then he said to his family, “Gather up those hailstones and let’s make some ice cream.”
The people who survived this century have much to teach us about resiliency. They know how to laugh, to dance, and to share meals with one another.” P. 83
“If you can’t change your life, change your attitude.” P. 107
“What I learned from my mother” by Julia kasdorf
I learned from my mother how to love
The living, to have plenty of vases on hand
In case you have to rush to the hospital
With peonies cut from the lawn, black ants
Still stuck to the buds. I learned to save jars
Large enough to hold fruit salad for a whole
Grieving household, to cube homemade pears
And peaches, to slice through maroon grape skins
And flick out the sexual seeds with a knifepoint.
I learned to attend viewings even if I didn’t know
The deceased, to press the moist hands,
Of the living, to look in their eyes and offer
Sympathy, as though I understood loss even then.
I learned that whatever we say means nothing,
What anyone will remember is that we came.
I learned to believe I had the power to ease
Awful pains materially like an angel.
Like a doctor I learned to create
From another’s suffering my own usefulness, and once
You know how to do this, you can never refuse.
To every house you enter, you must offer
Healing: a chocolate cake you baked yourself,
The blessing of your voice, your chaste touch.” P. 117
“We were going to leave a mark on the world
but instead the world left marks on us” p. 130 Wallace stegner
In American culture we find it acceptable to give children feedback. We say, “don’t chew with your mouth open,” or, “it’s not polite to burp in public.” Children may not always like this feedback, but they learn form it. However, we consider it rude to give feedback to any adults except our mates or our employees. This custom can be harmful. We all have bad habits and nasty traits, and at the age we stop hearing about them, they are likely to get worse. Without feedback, people are likely to become rude, self-centered, eccentric, and out of touch. (p. 148)
“to Fred” by mirage
To walk alone, where there is none
but memories. To be the one
remaining when you are gone.
The day you left me, dear,
My life was rent in two.
Now walking wounded I go along
through life as half.
One leg is not enough
To keep my balance and to move
Along my destined way
With strength and dignity
So many things I cannot do
With only one small hand.
Unfinished tasks reproach me
And mock my helplessness.
I cannot hear the music clear.
Not see the sunsets glow.
My senses dimmed, my mind grew dull
When I lost sight of you.
But, most of all I lost my heart,
Not half for you owned all of it.
The shell remains, it walks and talks,
But joy there is none.
How could there be
When Love is gone?
p. 173-4
“Losing physical beauty is hard fro some older women. If a woman has always been stunning, liver spots, extra pounds, and wrinkles can affect core identity issues. Ordinary looking women are likely to fare better. They have less to mourn—they have identities built on relationships, not complexions. Ann Menebroker wrote, “The way to stay beautiful is to avoid mirrors and look only at those who truly love you back.” P. 176 ---something to be thankful for as an average-looking woman ;)
“The Japanese have a word that captures the intensity of feeling two strong emotions at the same time. Wabi-sabi means experiencing beauty and sadness. We need such a word in the English language. The word would describe that mixture of happiness and sadness when we drive away from a wonderful reunion, loved and loving and empty an alone all at the same moment…” p. 205
“Happiness is good for the body, but it is grief which develops strength of mind” p. 214 Marcel Proust
“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s been some kind of pain” p. 214 bob Dylan
“‘We’ve got it all wrong in our culture. The young should identify birds. They’ve got the eyes for it. The old should go to rock concerts. We can hear that music and see the light shows just fine.” P. 221
“When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people. Now I admire kind people” p. 245 rabbi Abraham Joshua Herschel
“Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” P. 245 Henry James
“The prayers of all good people are good” p. 261 willla cather
September 27, 2011
really a 3.5 stars- a very good book with a lot of great insight to how the psychological and emotional life of elders differs from our life. But at times, it just seemed to be a series of vignettes that were not sure of the central theme it was trying to further. Interesting vignettes, yes, but I found I was not sure exactly what certain parts of the book were trying to establish or get across. That said, there were times where the insights were outstanding- times I wanted to get the pen out and underline things- reflections on what it is like to live in a culture that is geared to the young and fit, what it is like to live in a landscape where all of you familiar markers are gone (buildings, dead friends, cultural bedrocks like a respected church) ; what it is like to find out that the simple things like the ability of a good night sleep and taste for food might leave for good.
April 23, 2024
Pipher is an excellent thinker and communicator and I found this book to be a great blessing. With my mother moving out of her house and into a retirement home, I've been thinking a lot about changes and what lies ahead of me as I age. Pipher talks about how older people think and feel and the best ways to navigate these years. Very helpful!
November 2, 2024
While there was some touching stories, I did not find this book to provide any significant insight or perspective on managing elder care and/or guidance. Perhaps it was not meant to and my expectations were too high.
December 7, 2012
This is a thoughtful, sensitive, practical book designed for those who are trying to improve relationships with the elderly in their families. Basically Pipher says that we need to consider the background and attitudes of elders. They had experiences, perhaps of war or struggles, that we today have not shared. Pipher calls these”time-zone” problems. They learned to cope, not complain, but also were not expected to share their feeings easily, and it takes time and patience to understand them.
From a societal perspective, Pipher explains that these elders grew up in a more “communal” atmosphere in which families and neighbors helped each other, while independence is valued today. As Pipher discusses, recent research is acknowledging the importance of social ties and close connections to mental and physical health. However, today’s realities don’t foster this.
Pipher recommends several ways to enhance these valuable inter-generational relationships, such as having children visit nursing homes, and neighborhoods that provide places for elders to meet. However, at the start she states that her subjects are mostly rural and middle-class, and I feel this limits her viewpoint. Her recommendations at the personal level are excellent, but it’s going to be hard to translate some of her ideas into a model for an urban, mobile society. I wonder if technologies such as e-mail or Skype help maintain closeness. But again, many older people find these methods too difficult to use.
February 28, 2019
Although the author did include a lot of scattered information about how to better relate to the elderly, I found her overall production less than satisfactory.
This was because she has created a strange mix of psychology (with occasional psychobabble), Eastern philosophy, partial personal stories and emotive poetry to make her points. She included a generous portion of sweeping generalizations as well.
Apparently she also felt that the hard-scrabble life of farmers in the MidWest was pretty superior to today's more unconnected and hurried existence. She described it in a very romanticized way often.
She also prescribed strong families as a solution to the woes of the elderly, but that doesn't help those without strong families in today's unconnected world. She declared that certain changes needed to be made in modern healthcare, social systems, etc....but there wasn't really anything there about HOW such changes would ever be actually accomplished.
Finally, she acknowledged that some people grew old 'badly'- usually due to past bitterness or current physical and mental disabilities, but she spent most of her time praising those who ballroom danced their way to their inevitable final fall off the dance floor. It's my own fault, but each time she praised these admirable folks, I was reminded of those who could not manage such positive steps. A well-balanced book would probably depress people further, since many stories of aging and death do not end well at all.
This was because she has created a strange mix of psychology (with occasional psychobabble), Eastern philosophy, partial personal stories and emotive poetry to make her points. She included a generous portion of sweeping generalizations as well.
Apparently she also felt that the hard-scrabble life of farmers in the MidWest was pretty superior to today's more unconnected and hurried existence. She described it in a very romanticized way often.
She also prescribed strong families as a solution to the woes of the elderly, but that doesn't help those without strong families in today's unconnected world. She declared that certain changes needed to be made in modern healthcare, social systems, etc....but there wasn't really anything there about HOW such changes would ever be actually accomplished.
Finally, she acknowledged that some people grew old 'badly'- usually due to past bitterness or current physical and mental disabilities, but she spent most of her time praising those who ballroom danced their way to their inevitable final fall off the dance floor. It's my own fault, but each time she praised these admirable folks, I was reminded of those who could not manage such positive steps. A well-balanced book would probably depress people further, since many stories of aging and death do not end well at all.
January 17, 2016
I thought I'd get a heads-up on aging from the author of Reviving Ophelia. I enjoyed this largely anecdotal book, and did get some idea of this "terrain", and she makes interesting observations about how times have changed. She found that the biggest change culturally between old and young was, to her surprise, the advent of psychology. My favorite quote is "I'm not growing old; I'm growing whole". Some of the chapters are sad, elders preoccupied with loss. At times I felt like the world the author inhabits, most of her interviews were with people from the plains states, particularly South Dakota and Nebraska, was so different from mine that I just couldn't connect - grandparents on farms going fishing, life-long marriages - but in general I learned a lot.
May 2, 2019
She lost me when she decided to quote Robert E. Lee. When trying to demonstrate how the views of parenting have changed between recent generations, you pull a quote from a Confederate General? No thanks. Mary Pipher inadvertantly proved the challenges we face with maintaining good relationships with aging parents.
November 16, 2023
This is an older book, published in 1999 so some references are dated. Nonetheless, I found it very helpful in its discussion about getting older and family relationships, with older parents, one's adult children and grandchildren. Written by a psychologist/therapist I found many insights in its pages, and have not seen another book that was as honest as Another Country is. There is a straightforward chapter on death and dying, but there are many more important topics included. Another Country presents a range of experiences told through the personal stories of Mary Pipher's family and her patients over time. There is not perfect family and everyone is very different, but basic, helpful principles are found throughout. My only criticism is that there were too many stories and by the last chapter I started skimming them.
July 30, 2024
A very long read, comprised of literally hundreds of stories from her family and her clients in her counselling practice. Hundreds of examples of ways to overcome aging, depression and live a more satisfying life. The stages of young old and old old and benefits of mixing youth together in activities with the old old. Nothing can warm hearts like the smile of a small baby. Native practices were to have the old old sleep in the same area as the children, keeping one another warm, giving wisdom and a slower pace to the younger and a repurposing to the lives of the old old, rebuilding a community. The old need the heat and the young the light. Certainly an uplifting read.
The five R's, respect, results, relaxation, realization and reltionships.
The five R's, respect, results, relaxation, realization and reltionships.
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January 27, 2021Read around 1999 (before I was an elder). My review then: By a very human psychologist, about cultural issues involved in aging. She is very much interested in the importance of community. She has a tendency, annoying to me, to make generalizations from observations that may not be as widely applicable as she thinks. And it could be better organized. But a good read, with some excellent points.
[A reviewer here gave it just one star because the author quoted Robert E. Lee. I might do the same if I read it now.]
[A reviewer here gave it just one star because the author quoted Robert E. Lee. I might do the same if I read it now.]
February 4, 2023
If you are the caregiver to an elderly parent or other elderly family member or friend, you must read this book. I was the primary caregiver for 18 years for my elderly mother, who was born during the Great Depression. I could not understand some of her habits and obsessions with certain things. This book really helped me be more empathetic towards her ways of thinking and doing things. My only wish is that I would have found it sooner than I did.
February 4, 2019
Definitely not her best book.
If you want insight in to SOME elders, but not most of the people I know unfortunately, then give this a try. Some parts are extremely good and helpful. It definitely does make you empathic, especially towards the "Silent Generation" but overall I walked away with not learning that much and definitely how to help my family.
If you want insight in to SOME elders, but not most of the people I know unfortunately, then give this a try. Some parts are extremely good and helpful. It definitely does make you empathic, especially towards the "Silent Generation" but overall I walked away with not learning that much and definitely how to help my family.
August 6, 2019
This nonfiction book writes of the emotional lives of the elderly. Pipher writes of the new-old, and the old-old, and counsels them in her practice. Lots of insights into the way life was led when they were younger and they way we all live today. As a caregiver to a 91 yo and going on 90 yo parents, this book gave lots of food for thought. Pipher also writes nonfiction beautifully.
November 24, 2018
This was an easy read in some ways- it was well organized, with relevant anecdotes, and Pipher has a way with words. On another level, it was a really hard, emotional read. I got a lot of insight about aging and the generation gap, though.
April 13, 2019
A lovely heartfelt well constructed book but I read it too soon after Pipher’s equally excellent, and more appropriate to me personally, Women Rowing North. I should have read this 10 years ago when many relatives were in their later years.
August 6, 2019
This book was published in 99 so a lot of the references between generations don’t line up to today. However at this point in my life, it really made me think about my life, my parents & what’s to come in the next 10 years or so.
December 2, 2022
This book is full of difficult subject matter, dealing with the culture we build around our elders, aging, death, and dying. Mary Pipher is an excellent writer, so it still manages to be a very engaging read. Highly recommended for all generations.
June 27, 2023
This has been helpful to me, not just to understand my elderly parents better (Greatest Generation), but also my older siblings who are all Boomers. It explained a lot that I have previously failed to understand due to the generation gaps.
October 29, 2025
This was not helpful to me while "navigating" my mother's aging. Many of the quotes are notable, but Pipher doesn't provide insights on "how to" manage the transition from being the child to being the adult in the relationship with your own parents.
February 25, 2019
This book helped me to think in a different way about my parents and other older people around me. Some of the anecdotes are priceless!
July 8, 2019
Many questions, few answers. This book doesn’t pretend to be a how-to self-help manual. It does inspire understanding.
March 7, 2021
I found this book really helpful in traversing the different perspectives around aging across generations and cultures.
June 18, 2021
interesting perspective on aging
November 29, 2021
I read it to understand my mother in late life 21 years ago, and now at age 77 I see how it now applies to me
February 16, 2022
rather boring
July 7, 2022
A really helpful, well-written book for an older person navigating aging.
August 5, 2022
Very thought provoking. Loved the extended metaphor throughout of different landscapes/traveling and the difficult emotions involved.
November 17, 2024
It's a collection of obvious but incredibly enlightening topics on aging and the aged.
March 4, 2017
I originally started to read this book because of my father's dementia diagnosis, but found much more on what it's like to grow older. A must read for all those who hope to grow old and for those who are helping the generation before them face the end of their lives with dignity and love.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 91 reviews