You Are Not What You Think: The Egoless Path to Self-Esteem and Generous Love

by David Richo

You and your how to develop strong self-confidence without becoming an egotist—so you can be happy with who you are and make others love you too How can you build the healthy ego necessary to be effective in life—yet avoid the kind of egotism that makes people dislike you? Don’t worry; Dave Richo has the answers. You Are Not What You Think shows you how to navigate the tricky waters between egotism and selflessness in a way that avoids both extremes and makes you much more effective and loving. The key is to acknowledge your ego and to be kind to it, before you ultimately learn to let it go.   As with all Dave’s books, this one is full of examples from mythology, psychology, and religion, with plenty of exercises and practical advice.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Spirituality, Nonfiction, Buddhism, Science Fiction Fantasy

193 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 22, 2015

About the author

David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.

He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.

Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.

Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.

Reviews

[Tanya McGinnity · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Are Not What You Think: The Egoless Path to Self-Esteem and Generous Love is the exact book that I needed to cross my path in this particular stage in my life. I’m going through a great deal of “self work” and unraveling some habits and thought processes to fully see how I operate in the world. This book provides a reality check for the ego. A flashlight that can be used to shed light on some of the dark areas where we scurry and hide. I spent a lot of time reading this book, nodding my head with a knowing “Yes. I do that” and highlighting spots to revisit and sit with at a later date.

Again. I am going to say that here’s a book that changed my life. For this, I apologize. I don’t know if I’m “operating at a higher frequency” or “open to the messages that the world is sending” or any other kind of woo woo hypothesis that may be applied to this current situation. Regardless, it’s a good thing.

David Richo is a writer, psychotherapist, teacher and workshop leader. He blends his multi-faith background with psychology training and what results in this book is an offering that is a sampler plate of many different ways to view the ego – in both its healthy and unhealthy forms.

You Are Not What You Think is a deep-dive into the ego. What it looks like, where it comes from and an examination of various views and perspectives on it – from Freud, Jung and the Buddha to name but a few. There are several helpful practices within its pages designed to help discover where it lies and how to work with it. Themes such as what a healthy and unhealthy ego looks like as well as how it presents itself in our relationships with others are also touched upon. Richo presents a world in which one moves about in the world with a healthy ego – free from self-centeredness.

The book isn’t a call to arms to murder one’s ego, but rather speaks to how it needs to be “held and tamed respectfully.” Reading it made me a better person. Really. I started to see a bit of a shitty dark side in how I relate with others which could be put right back onto a fear response that I was experiencing in my day to day life. I find it’s easier to see the egos of others at play- so having a means to see another side was pretty eye opening for me. This book flipped a switch on my usual ego-centered perspective and helped me to expand my view a bit further. I’m better able to see how ego bloating has kept me from living- and loving fully.

You Are Not What You Think presents both a spiritual and psychological way of examining the ego and how to be free from self-centeredness. It touches on themes such as fear, kindness, compassion, awareness, self-compassion and mindfulness. The book features many practices to try in order to befriend one’s ego and let go of the past programming. It’s clear and easy to read and fully relatable. If you’re a fan of Brené Brown (as am I), then this book will be right up your alley given it touches upon fear, shame and vulnerability.

I can’t recommend You Are Not What You Think enough. I’ve already seen great changes in my life after reading it. And that’s not my ego talking!

[Evita · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good for personal development though a bit repetitive. Work towards healthy ego - be humble but not too submissive.

[Kassandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I am reading these books to try to understand my complex trauma, I found this one to be so exceptionally ubiquitous for all aspects and all people. It discusses our pain and suffering and how it affects our romantic relationships. It goes into how to heal that, especially for those who do not have cPTSD or PTSD. However, there were many great pieces that I think individuals (like me) who have PTSD and cPTSD.

I found a lot of this book helpful in explaining so much of my past and my behaviors now and why. It gave me room to be compassionate to myself and my pain. I highly recommend it. My only complaint with this book is that I did not necessarily agree with the way it was laid out. But that's a personal preference.

[Angela Arafelis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It reminds me we all need to be humble kind and patient with others as we ourselves have had moments of too much ego...blocking us from our most loving selves!

[Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Each sentence in this book seems to brim with incredible insights. This is quite literally the most informed and inspiring book I’ve read on the subject

[Kristine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good read ^__^

[Jim Ordolis · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible book highly recommended!

[Mark Henderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading David Richo is itself an act of meditation on what my needs are and when I cover them up. If anything, this book encouraged me to reflect on ways I internally egotise about the world and people around me. The real kicker is that all egotising is a function of what needs are not being met, whether in childhood or the present, and this really encourages me to empathize with more outwardly egotistical behavior that I otherwise dismiss or (egotistically) judge.

Certainly not as many earmarks as "Daring to Trust", "When Love Meets Fear", or "How to be an Adult", but still a delightful little read that deposited some grains of sand to my little dune of self-development.

[Charlene · Rating 3 out of 5]

DNF - I had 2 chapters left and couldn't bring myself to finish it. It was a good read, very informative, but dragged on because it was very self help and so it became repetitive.

3.75 stars

[Kellan Marvel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another one of those “most important books I’ve ever read.”