The Mindful Parent: Strategies from Peaceful Cultures to Raise Compassionate, Competent Kids

by Charlotte Peterson

Over the last four decades, American hospitals have seen a steady increase in children suffering from psychological disorders, peer violence, and suicide attempts. To figure out why this is happening and how to put an end to it, child psychologist Dr. Charlotte Peterson has been spending six months every five years living in indigenous villages and observing their parenting practices. What she's found is that the people of peaceful cultures, particularly the Tibetan, Bhutanese, and Balinese people, know something we Westerners, despite our modernity, don't, and their children are happier, healthier, and more balanced because of it.What Dr. Peterson has found is that the children in these cultures are raised with a high degree of cherishing and empathy. Attachments are promoted by intensive nurturing of infants and gentle, clear limit-setting with toddlers that teaches self-control and builds self-esteem. The result, as Dr. Peterson has found after visiting these places again and again, is children who are trusting, enjoyable, and kind, -not “spoiled,” as we might imagine.The Mindful Parent brings together Dr. Peterson's village interviews, observations, research, and over thirty-five years of work as a psychologist to teach modern parents how to raise healthier, more well-balanced, and kinder children. It includes creative ideas from parents who are currently adopting these practices and balancing other aspects of their personal, career, and financial responsibilities to assure their children get the support they need to thrive.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

349 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 1, 2015

Reviews

[Alexandria · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a little hard to review. On the one hand, it did have some good information and it aligned with my personal views on the available maternal assistance in the United States. Or, to be more specific, the lack of any real post-partum or prenatal parental assistance.

On the other hand, this book falls into a trap common to parenting books. It focuses on what is the absolute best possible thing for a baby but presents it in language that makes it seem as if the author is talking about the bare minimum that would be good for the baby. Put another way, the advice in this book (and many other parenting books) comes across in a tone of "do this exact thing and do it all the time or you're Hurting Your Child". As a new mother who will soon have to go to work, may have to put my infant in day care for a couple of hours a day, and can't breast feed and thus rely on a pump and bottles; I came away from this book with two impressions. One was that I was a Good Mon because I bodywear my son and sleep with his bassinet against my bed and respond quickly when he cries. The other is that I am a Bad Mom because I can't breast feed and thus rely on a pump and bottle, and because I'll have to return to work soon and my newborn may have to be with an unrelated caregiver for a few hours a week. Though the author insists that there is a middle ground between the two, her tone indicates otherwise.

So while some of the tips in this book are worth noting, I'd be wary of the author's tone and her tendency to paint certain cultures in a light of social perfection which erases some of the generally complex nature those cultures must have as human cultures.

[Kimberly W · Rating 2 out of 5]

I would give it 2.5, but am rounding down because the title is so unrelated to the actual book. Instead of actually discussing mindfulness, or better ways to parent in order to "raise compassionate, competent kids," Peterson focuses entirely on her perfect version of motherhood (yes, motherhood instead of parenthood - this book is so heteronormative you'd think she wouldn't believe gay people could be parents except for one interview with a lesbian at the very end) that involves a mother staying home for at least a year and doing *nothing* except taking care of her child. If for some reason breastfeeding doesn't work out, you are failing your child! Day care directly leads to school shooters! Babies from "peaceful cultures" have bigger foreheads because they have more maternal care! She says a lot of ridiculous things which makes it hard to pull out the good points she makes (which yes, there are some). I appreciate that she focuses a lot on the lack of paid parental leave in the US, but instead of blaming everything on that, it would have been nice to read about how to be the best parent possible in spite of the current legal/political reality in this country.

[Ashley Nichols · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of good information to have before having a baby. Reading it during quarantine in America was heart wrenching. Not only have we failed our citizens in regards to corona but we’ve been consistently failing our children by not providing parental support. I had no idea daycare and early separation from parents was so detrimental. I usually feel so guilty for all the violence Ollie was exposed to when we stayed with her dad but now I can at least say we were at home to feed her and enrich her life outside of that. Why is the country not trying to do better for their kids? Why aren’t we even talking about it?

[Desiree Wills Velazco · Rating 5 out of 5]

EXCELLENT. I whole heartedly recommend this book!

[Kate Bennitt · Rating 2 out of 5]

Essentially an Extended Blog

I feel like the title of this book misrepresents its content. What I thought I was purchasing were some techniques and methods on parenting by a psychologist. Instead I felt like I was reading an editorial piece on the U.S. maternity leave and daycare.

I'm giving the book more than one star because I agree with a lot of things she says (of course I think the US should have a better maternity policy and that you should listen to your kid). And it was interesting to read about other cultures, even if she didn't necessarily convince me why their approaches are better for long term effects.

However, I felt she overly idealized some cultures and made some leaps in logic. For instance, I felt that she implied daycare is the reason for mass shootings nowadays. Interesting concept, but not really a strategy for raising a child or something that is helpful to me as a parent right now.

The biggest problem I had with this book is her footnotes. After one particular "fact" that I read, I clicked on the footnote to look at the reference. I expected to be led to a study on PubMed, but instead it was a NPR broadcast. She even has Wikipedia as a reference. I feel that it's quite misleading to present "facts" without references to peer reviewed studies.

I would certainly not recommend this book to another parent. To me, the author was on a soapbox about certain issues and did not deliver on the title or synopsis.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Neat ideas in this book. The author has traveled extensively and lived for periods of time immersed in the cultures of traditionally peaceful countries. Her observations mainly pertain to the prenatal and newborn periods of parenting, so not very relevant to my kids' ages but still interesting to read. Some really eye-opening stats about maternity leaves and how policies vary by country. I can understand the author's belief that the way we are raising our babies has contributed to the increasing violence, child psychiatric diagnoses, etc. Kids benefit from the consistent nurturing and attention of a caretaker, preferably mom or other family member until at least age 3 (as opposed to daycare). She advocates breastfeeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, mainly all things that the American media has made so controversial.

[Jacob · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a man wanting to one day be a father, I found the experiences and lessons shared in The Mindful Parent invaluable. I too have traveled quite a bit in an effort to understand various ways of living and creating families. While my unprofessional observations were not near as detailed as Dr. Peterson's, I definitely agree with her that there are golden nuggets in the peaceful cultures and it was wonderful to read the conclusions and thoughts of someone who has dedicated her life to treating patients and helping them overcome difficulties related to early childhood experiences. The book reinforced in me the special importance of a child's early life in a way that sounds possible for me to carry out when I have children.

[Aniket Ponkshe · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good reminder of other non-European cultures about parenting styles. I loved the first half of the book. The next 40% seemed to focused on things that western mother's should do, and on ideas about brain development that are a bit 'out there'. This can be quite guilt inducing, given societal and career constraints. The last chapter redeems the book a bit by talking about various real ways people have found based on their unique situations which would help them raise gentler and more responsible adults.

[Dominique Egbers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book provides a fascinating look into child rearing in other countries. not only does it provide practical advice for new parents but also explains the science and theory behind each suggested method.
Great read for those considering adopting younger children. It provides deep insight into bonding and deepening that non-familial connection.

[Donna Hutt Stapfer Bell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Deceptively targeted towards infants and preschool age children only

It's a good read for people considering parenting, but the guidance largely ends at kindergarten age. Older children are mentioned in passing only. Not very comprehensive for parents of older children.

[Ashley Garay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book!! It encouraged me to become a stay at home mom. Highly recommend!

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had the e-book version of this from my library, and unfortunately I wasn't able to finish reading it before it returned to the shelf. What I did read however, I enjoyed. The author delves into certain "peaceful" cultures (for which she had certain parameters), and immerses herself into their societies for a time, living with them to examine the ways in which their children are brought up. Much of what I read focused on raising children as infants, a stage which I am sadly passed now with my own kids. But I did find helpful tips on the importance of teaching children how to recognize and respect their own and others' emotions. She also pointed out how parents can aim to discipline, as opposed to punish, their children. I was amazed to see the "time in" practice work almost instantaneously the first time I tried it with my 3-year old son! As I keep these mindful parenting techniques in mind, I see such an improvement in the way my three toddlers (ages 4, 3, and 2) interact with one another. I will definitely continue to incorporate these principles into my parenting.

[Michael Torbert · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall it’s a not terrible, but it definitely went outside of the scope of mind for parenting that the title would suggest.
There were a lot of generalizations of various Asian cultures. Been married into one of these cultures, I can tell you that the generalizations the author makes are not necessarily accurate across the entire cultures.
Despite a growing body of studies showing genetic influence on various human traits, she puts an overwhelming emphasis on a baby's need to have constant attention and nurture. She's not necessarily wrong, but it's a very narrow and outdated view.
There’s a bit of shaming of parents who decide to go back to work sooner and or put their child in daycare.

[Ian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Make a note that this book has nothing to do with “mindfulness” and the “mindful” in the title appears essentially nowhere in the book.

The book contains a few good recommendations towards the front, mostly around the fact that you can’t spoil an infant and being attentive is good, but unspools into a long warning against having two working parents. However, I think that is how she and her husband did it...?

Ultimately I closed the book feeling a little cheated. But does any parenting book really satisfy? I don’t think I’ve read one yet that parted the seas or showered me with golden rays of sunlight. We’re all looking for The Answers and no book contains them.

[Alexandra · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought this book would be about incorporating mindfulness meditation into raising children, but it's a long screed against working mothers, who are treated with pity and scorn. The author clearly does not extend the same tolerance to working mothers that she does to Tibetan, Bhutanese, and Balinese families, whom she idealizes.

I love books, but I am seriously considering throwing this one in the trash!

[Tiffany Taylor · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has a few interesting nuggets, teaching empathy, time-ins (which the author credits herself with inventing). However, get ready for a major guilt trip if you are a working mother, choose not to breastfeed, or wish to follow the AAP’s guidelines regarding safe sleep for infants (she advocates for bedsharing, unforgivable imo). The premise is interesting but overall the book was a disappointment.

[Stefanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found some great wisdom in this book and some really hands on tips too. At times it is a bit repetitive, but maybe she just really wants to bring a message over. All up definitely a great read for all parents to be.

[Mercer Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was…a bit fear-mongering to say the least. Had a read this before having a child, I would have been terrified and overwhelmed. There are some great anecdotes, and great data, but presented in a way that I think could actually be psychologically harmful to parents.

[Miriam Reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

peaceful cultures thing seems unscientific, but lot of food for thought esp the case study of gaining trust of traumatized toddler adoptee

[Shawna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book and the observations and ideas discussed. This book is geared towards people considering having children and those with young children.

[Kristen Iworsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Maybe more towards 3.5 stars.
My goal in raising Isaac is for him to be a kind, loving and compassionate person. I prefer that any day over him going to Harvard or making the big bucks. This book looks at peaceful and compassionate cultures and examines how children are raised and the attitudes towards children and mothers. The author outlines ways Americans can raise compassionate children, and also how America needs to change in order that parents have a chance to raise compassionate children (I.e. Longer maternity/paternity leaves).

[Dominic Mozel]

good book on the importance of being with your baby