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Toksyczne związki. Anatomia i terapia współuzależnienia
Współuzależnienie to skłonność do związków, w których miłość mylona jest z posiadaniem, przywiązanie zamienia się w zależność, odpowiedzialność miesza się z poczuciem winy, troska przesiąknięta jest lękiem, a seks łączy się z nadużyciem lub nie dochodzi do głosu. Zrozumienia istoty współuzależnienia to klucz do uzdrowienia toksycznych relacji między rodzicami i dziećmi lub pełnych napięcia i cierpienia związków małżeńskich, problemów z autorytetami, skłonności do konfliktów w pracy
248 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1989
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 236 reviews
February 22, 2012
This book focused heavily on what codependence is and how it develops. Mellody bases codependence on the disease model and uses a 12 step approach that she does not delve much into to cure it. I had several problems with this book, first being that I don't agree with the disease model. It seemed what she described was more of a pattern of maladaptive behaviors.
She depended a lot on anecdotal evidence and bad science for the basis of her book. For instance, she took that people can repress memories of traumatic events as fact when studies have found no evidence that people repress memories. Sadly, it is established that far too many children are horrifically abused, and that children who are abused remember it. They don't repress. Further, the idea that memories can be repressed and recovered is damaging for several reasons. One is that a person suddenly has memories of traumatic events that never happened that they now have to live with. Second is that a parents who did not rape or abuse their children all of the sudden finds him/her to be falsely accused.
Mellody also depends on 12 step programs for recovery. The problem is that 12 step programs are not effective. Studies have shown that they have a very high failure rate (around 90% depending on the program). This is no better than remission rates among people not attending a 12 step program.
Mellody focuses a lot time on what causes codependence figuring that by introspection, insight, realization, and submitting oneself to a Higher Power a person can get on the road to recovery. The thing is insight may help you understand why you are the way you are, but it doesn't tell you how to become who you want to. You're still left with the same maladaptive patterns you always did. Further, reliving painful memories rarely helps a person move forward with their life.
I felt that there should have been more of a focus on adaptative behaviors. What does a functional family look like? How does a functional family communicate? When you take away someone's maladaptive behaviors, you have to give them something functional to put in it's place, otherwise they'll pick up different maladaptive ones.
Finally, I vehemently disagreed with her condition that recovery depends upon relying on a higher power. Millions of people live satisfying, productive, and healthy lives and are atheists. I even know someone who was raised in an abusive household and worked hard at learning adaptive behaviors and today is a successful person who has a stable job and raised a functional family. She is also an atheist.
So pretty much this book excluded atheists from her model of a recovery...and a good model of recovery should encompass people from all belief systems.
The sole redeeming thing about this book is that it is an accurate portrayal of abuse and how it runs through families. It also had a good discussion on boundaries and what good boundaries look like.
This cannot make up for the bad science and the exclusion of atheists and subsequently I cannot recommend this book.
She depended a lot on anecdotal evidence and bad science for the basis of her book. For instance, she took that people can repress memories of traumatic events as fact when studies have found no evidence that people repress memories. Sadly, it is established that far too many children are horrifically abused, and that children who are abused remember it. They don't repress. Further, the idea that memories can be repressed and recovered is damaging for several reasons. One is that a person suddenly has memories of traumatic events that never happened that they now have to live with. Second is that a parents who did not rape or abuse their children all of the sudden finds him/her to be falsely accused.
Mellody also depends on 12 step programs for recovery. The problem is that 12 step programs are not effective. Studies have shown that they have a very high failure rate (around 90% depending on the program). This is no better than remission rates among people not attending a 12 step program.
Mellody focuses a lot time on what causes codependence figuring that by introspection, insight, realization, and submitting oneself to a Higher Power a person can get on the road to recovery. The thing is insight may help you understand why you are the way you are, but it doesn't tell you how to become who you want to. You're still left with the same maladaptive patterns you always did. Further, reliving painful memories rarely helps a person move forward with their life.
I felt that there should have been more of a focus on adaptative behaviors. What does a functional family look like? How does a functional family communicate? When you take away someone's maladaptive behaviors, you have to give them something functional to put in it's place, otherwise they'll pick up different maladaptive ones.
Finally, I vehemently disagreed with her condition that recovery depends upon relying on a higher power. Millions of people live satisfying, productive, and healthy lives and are atheists. I even know someone who was raised in an abusive household and worked hard at learning adaptive behaviors and today is a successful person who has a stable job and raised a functional family. She is also an atheist.
So pretty much this book excluded atheists from her model of a recovery...and a good model of recovery should encompass people from all belief systems.
The sole redeeming thing about this book is that it is an accurate portrayal of abuse and how it runs through families. It also had a good discussion on boundaries and what good boundaries look like.
This cannot make up for the bad science and the exclusion of atheists and subsequently I cannot recommend this book.
August 7, 2009
This book focuses on the childhood origins of codependence, how dysfunction and abuse creates codependent adults. I found some of the information to be extremely helpful and made correlations of which I had previously been unaware. It was very useful for me personally to understand that clinginess and love-addiction are not the only traits of codependence, but also tendencies to create emotional barriers, inability to acknowledge one's own needs and enmeshing others' emotions with your own, among other things.
Mellody outlines five major traits of codependence, which operate on either extreme: lack of self-esteem or arrogance (inability to esteem yourself from within), making oneself too vulnerable or erecting emotional walls (boundaries), self-destructiveness or perfectionism ("owning and expressing your own reality" or self-responsibility and self-acceptance), dependence or denial of your own needs (inability to meet your own needs and wants) and chaotic or controlling behavior (extreme modes of behavior as opposed to moderation).
Her perspectives on a few issues I disagree with, for example, her conventional approach to gender and sexual preference. While attempting to be accepting of sexual preference, her approach is obviously heterosexual. Also, I disagree with some other things in the book, such as a disregard for the issues of race (one mention of race is made) and especially class. For example, perhaps Mom has to work all the time because the family is financially struggling to put food on the table, not because she's a workaholic.
Though, the direct relation of a dysfunctional childhood to an inability to meet one's needs as a adult is laid out fairly clearly here. I would be interested find out about other books on codependence from the same perspective.
Mellody outlines five major traits of codependence, which operate on either extreme: lack of self-esteem or arrogance (inability to esteem yourself from within), making oneself too vulnerable or erecting emotional walls (boundaries), self-destructiveness or perfectionism ("owning and expressing your own reality" or self-responsibility and self-acceptance), dependence or denial of your own needs (inability to meet your own needs and wants) and chaotic or controlling behavior (extreme modes of behavior as opposed to moderation).
Her perspectives on a few issues I disagree with, for example, her conventional approach to gender and sexual preference. While attempting to be accepting of sexual preference, her approach is obviously heterosexual. Also, I disagree with some other things in the book, such as a disregard for the issues of race (one mention of race is made) and especially class. For example, perhaps Mom has to work all the time because the family is financially struggling to put food on the table, not because she's a workaholic.
Though, the direct relation of a dysfunctional childhood to an inability to meet one's needs as a adult is laid out fairly clearly here. I would be interested find out about other books on codependence from the same perspective.
January 3, 2011
I found this book tremendously useful and informative. If you've grown up in a family with a substance-addictive member (alcohol, drugs, or other types of addictions), this is a great read to help with understanding dysfunctional family dynamics, and help one get on the path to creating more functional relationships within their lives. Additionally, if you didn't have substance-abusers in your immediate family, but your parents may have when they were growing up, your parents still could've passed down the dysfunction of codependence to you. And finally, if you didn't grow up in this type of dysfunction, but a loved one did, then this is worth the read to help understand what dynamics might presently be operating in your relationship. Overall just a great book!
January 10, 2015
Many addicts who have read this book will claim that almost the whole world population is codependent. My opinion is that this claim is the ultimate addict fantasy. Codependent people do sabotage their lives with dysfunctional behavior. The rest of the world population does not. What non-codependents do is exhibit dysfunctional behavior from time to time; since they are imperfect beings (humans), but there is a difference between imperfect behavior and life-sabotaging behavior. This distinction was very important to understand for me in this book! I do sabotage my life with dysfunctional behavior!
Although, the definition of childhood abuse is so widely defined that the claim that the whole world population has been abused as a child, would be true indeed!
A very friendly and honestly written book; but the style of writing can become repetitive and dull over the chapters. Still, it has begun to change my life -a positive and thus a functional change-, so who am I to complain?
Although, the definition of childhood abuse is so widely defined that the claim that the whole world population has been abused as a child, would be true indeed!
A very friendly and honestly written book; but the style of writing can become repetitive and dull over the chapters. Still, it has begun to change my life -a positive and thus a functional change-, so who am I to complain?
April 18, 2012
I really didn't want to read this book. I didn't understand what codependence was, nor had I any desire to understand another mainstream label of behavioral dysfunction. When I first started it, I was really put off by the idea that the reason behind codependence was rooted in child abuse, be it sexual, verbal, intellectual, spiritual, or emotional. In my mind, that was translated that to mean that all of a person's problems are the fault of his or her parents. Baloney.
I convinced myself to read a little more into the book, and learned that my interpretation was completely askew. WIthout going into too much detail, I came to really understand and even agree with Mellody's view of how a parent can influence a child and how the child has the capacity to recover from abusive influence, whether intentional or not. I like how the text of the book teaches what good parenting looks like.
I convinced myself to read a little more into the book, and learned that my interpretation was completely askew. WIthout going into too much detail, I came to really understand and even agree with Mellody's view of how a parent can influence a child and how the child has the capacity to recover from abusive influence, whether intentional or not. I like how the text of the book teaches what good parenting looks like.
July 16, 2017
I really liked this book. It explains a lot about codependency, but covers it as a disorder that forms from childhood trauma, neglect, abandonment, and dysfunctional families. This book is great because she goes into so much detail about all the forms/types of abuse/dysfunctional events that can cause codependency (which can help you break through your denial that "My childhood wasn't really that bad, I wasn't like abused or anything." She also explains in depth the differences between how functional and dysfunctional families operate, which helps you understand what things your family of origin did that was helpful or harmful to your development (and helps you know what your goals should be for the family you create if you have children). I'd recommend this for anyone interested in codependency but also any survivor of familial abuse.
April 21, 2021
Pia Mellody does a great job really digging into the roots of the core symptoms of codependency and how our childhood affects our daily adult behaviors. If you are looking to actually treat your codependency symptoms, I highly recommend adding her workbook “Breaking Free” as a sidekick to this. I would read this book one time through first then use the workbook alongside the book to work through it. It’s been very helpful for me.
October 24, 2020
This book was both helpful and validating. It helped me see behaviors I ascribe to that are unhealthy and woke me up to some of the ways in which I had experienced trauma young that I had yet to acknowledge. I’d recommend this read to anyone who comes from any disfunction and struggles to understand their own self-sabotaging behaviors.
There is hope in the work. To all my fellow recovering codependents, may you experience ever increasing joy and ever waning fear. Unlearning and learning are life long processes. Here’s to the awakening.
There is hope in the work. To all my fellow recovering codependents, may you experience ever increasing joy and ever waning fear. Unlearning and learning are life long processes. Here’s to the awakening.
August 31, 2024
Raamat "Kaassõltuvus" oli hästi kirjutatud ja mõnusalt loetav, andis teemast hea ülevaate ning konkreetseid samme, kuidas enda elus olukordi lahendada. Julgen soovitada.
Pikemalt kirjutan oma kogemusest kaassõltuvusega ning raamatust õpitust siin: https://midaheliluges.blogspot.com/20...
Pikemalt kirjutan oma kogemusest kaassõltuvusega ning raamatust õpitust siin: https://midaheliluges.blogspot.com/20...
December 29, 2020
I enjoyed this! But I think the key to getting something out of it is thinking of it more as a freeform lecture on the author's experiences in her own life and with her clients, not as an investigation of what codependence really means or where it comes from. In the afterword, the authors finally put the book in the context of other psychological/academic research, which is something I was craving early on in the book and never got. Like, listen – I hugely resonated with the book and the disease described therein. I think I learned more about myself and my fucked-up brain by reading it. But the book is anecdotal and moreover disorganized in a way that surprised me. It's more helpfully read as an exploration of the author's particular theory of codependence that she's gathered from field research, and not necessarily as an introduction to codependence, the myriad academic theories on it, and what it might actually be. Also worth noting that there is a lot of startlingly heteronormative stuff sprinkled throughout, and the author is clearly pro-god and pro-religion and makes little space for readers who might not necessarily concur about the existence of a Higher Power.
June 23, 2016
Pia Mellody's "Facing Codependence" gives a thorough description and analysis of what codependence entails: five core symptoms, how these symptoms can get in the way of having healthy relationships, and most especially where it stems from. Mellody goes into detail about the various kinds of abuses (mostly overt or covert abuse by parental figures)that can set codependence in motion: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intellectual abuse and interestingly (I have never heard of or thought about this before as a specific abuse) spiritual abuse.
Even as a seasoned therapist of nearly 10 years, this book opened my eyes to the insidious nature of different kinds of abuse I had not given much thought to before. This book also gives the best definition of boundaries I have come across yet and how it can impact not only how one relates or interacts with other people but also one's own boundaries with the self.
I recommend this book to both therapists wanting to learn about this clinical issue as well as to those struggling with codependence in their lives.
Even as a seasoned therapist of nearly 10 years, this book opened my eyes to the insidious nature of different kinds of abuse I had not given much thought to before. This book also gives the best definition of boundaries I have come across yet and how it can impact not only how one relates or interacts with other people but also one's own boundaries with the self.
I recommend this book to both therapists wanting to learn about this clinical issue as well as to those struggling with codependence in their lives.
September 25, 2015
All in all, this book is OK. While it has a lot of information about codependency, the presentation seems to suggest that basically everyone is codependent to some degree or another (which I imagine is partly true). With its net cast so wide, it is at times hard to discern any level of nuance and and detail in the analysis. For instance, if someone has too high of a self-esteem, that is an illustration of codependency, and if someone has too low of a self-esteem, that also is an illustration of codependency.
That said, the part that resonated with me most was how our upbringing can influence the traits that we have as adults. This may be obvious, but Pia does an excellent job at connection particular dysfunctions in childhood to symptoms as adults. This brought up some sadness in me, to think about challenges I faced growing up, but it was also empowering in some sense to bring those experiences to light, as I imagine that's the first step in the healing process.
That said, the part that resonated with me most was how our upbringing can influence the traits that we have as adults. This may be obvious, but Pia does an excellent job at connection particular dysfunctions in childhood to symptoms as adults. This brought up some sadness in me, to think about challenges I faced growing up, but it was also empowering in some sense to bring those experiences to light, as I imagine that's the first step in the healing process.
October 7, 2013
I'd like to say I thoroughly enjoyed this book, but that wouldn't quite be accurate. I enjoyed learning new things about why certain aspects of my life are the way they are, but it was very hard to do.
So much of what Pia writes about in this book hit home for me, especially the part where she emphasizes that trauma isn't just about the huge life events that we think of when we hear the word "Trauma," but also about all the little traumas that add up to have a profound impact on our lives. I was raised with the notion that "It's not that bad," no matter what it was or how bad it was. It was good to hear from an expert that it was as bad as I felt it and that it was ok for me to feel whatever I felt about it.
I think most people, "codependent" or not could find something to relate to in this book. I think it's a great source for anyone looking to improve his/her life.
So much of what Pia writes about in this book hit home for me, especially the part where she emphasizes that trauma isn't just about the huge life events that we think of when we hear the word "Trauma," but also about all the little traumas that add up to have a profound impact on our lives. I was raised with the notion that "It's not that bad," no matter what it was or how bad it was. It was good to hear from an expert that it was as bad as I felt it and that it was ok for me to feel whatever I felt about it.
I think most people, "codependent" or not could find something to relate to in this book. I think it's a great source for anyone looking to improve his/her life.
September 5, 2011
I never really understood what codependency was until i read this. I always thought it meant you weren't an independent person, I was wrong. If you even suspect you might be or know someone who is codependent, this is a worthwhile read.
December 15, 2020
This has honestly been really helpful in showing how experiences of less-than-nurturing parenting induce parents’ feelings of shame into their children. Chapters 5 (A Precious Child in a Dysfunctional Family) and 6 (The Emotional Damage of Abuse) were definitely the most profound for me as they give a picture of these realities that I’ve experienced but never seen written down before.
“Whenever a major caregiver is abusing a child while DENYING or BEING IRRESPONSIBLE WITH his or her feeling reality, the feeling reality is very likely to be induced in the child who becomes overwhelmed by the caregiver’s feeling reality.” (p.103, emphasis author’s)
“Whenever a major caregiver is abusing a child while DENYING or BEING IRRESPONSIBLE WITH his or her feeling reality, the feeling reality is very likely to be induced in the child who becomes overwhelmed by the caregiver’s feeling reality.” (p.103, emphasis author’s)
December 7, 2022
This is an easy read that gives excellent definitions and examples of codependency and the various abuses that tend to lead to its manifestation. I wished there was a much longer section on how to address the “disease”, as it is termed here, but apparently that is covered in a companion workbook. I was somewhat annoyed by the author’s referring to God as a “Higher Power”, when she claims to be a believer - that felt like a cowardly approach, not to mention confusing. Just own your faith! Still, I did find this a helpful read and it gave me some personal insights.
February 4, 2022
I had heard such good things about this book, I had to read it. As a codependent, albeit seems we all are, it's a spectrum, I wanted to learn how to recognize the behavior and address it.
I felt this book just described the condition and conditions that lead to it, the entire book.
I'm disappointed.
I felt this book just described the condition and conditions that lead to it, the entire book.
I'm disappointed.
July 7, 2024
I have been in the process of reading this since my parents gave it to me senior year of college. This is SUCH an important read - and I’m glad I got around to completing it. I am a firm believer in everything rooting back to childhood, and we all have something from our past to confront so that we can be better for ourselves and our children. Big fan of Pia and The Meadows!
August 18, 2025
O m g - must read!
April 26, 2024
Read a little over half and then started skimming. Didn’t finish this one, but overall didn’t find it to be a book I’d recommend.
November 7, 2021
Good intro to the subject but reading Codependent No More now and getting a lot more out of that one.
November 7, 2020
This book changed my life and my counseling career. I am a different counselor because of this book.
January 31, 2023
I loved the chapter on appropriate discipline. I personally like spanking with my hand to know how hard I am actually spanking, as I feel it too.
I did not like the author compared racial abuse to homosexual abuse. That’s frustrating!!!
I would recommend skipping over the sexual abuse chapter, unless you are a victim. 💕💕
I loved the book overall explaining functional homes verses distinctional, even when it comes to putting work or ministry over children. I believe God wants our children’s hearts to be our focus. 💖
I did not like the author compared racial abuse to homosexual abuse. That’s frustrating!!!
I would recommend skipping over the sexual abuse chapter, unless you are a victim. 💕💕
I loved the book overall explaining functional homes verses distinctional, even when it comes to putting work or ministry over children. I believe God wants our children’s hearts to be our focus. 💖
November 30, 2023
"Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives" by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller & J. Keith Miller delves into the intricate world of codependence, unraveling its complexities and guiding readers through the process of recovery. The book uses relatable stories of individuals like Frank, David, and Maureen to illustrate the pervasive nature of codependency and its profound impact on personal well-being and relationships.
The book begins by highlighting the various faces of codependence through the experiences of its characters. Frank, a successful architect, measures his self-worth through wealth and influence, leading to a crisis when he loses it all. David, a 16-year-old, relies heavily on his mother for basic tasks, reflecting a lack of self-sufficiency. Maureen, a senior officer at a bank, shields herself from harm through an unapproachable demeanor, sacrificing genuine connections for isolation. These stories serve as a mirror for readers to identify if they, too, are grappling with codependence. The core of the book revolves around the five primary symptoms of codependence. First is unhealthy self-esteem, manifested as severely low or excessively high self-worth, or deriving one's value from external factors. Dysfunctional boundary systems, the second symptom, involve issues such as having no boundaries, damaged boundaries, putting up walls, or a fluctuation between walls and nonexistent boundaries. The third symptom explores struggles with accepting and embracing personal reality, manifesting at two levels: knowing reality but not expressing it and being disconnected from one's reality altogether.
The fourth symptom addresses challenges in identifying and fulfilling personal needs and wants. Codependents may fall into categories such as being too dependent, anti-dependent, unaware of their needs, or confusing needs with wants. The fifth symptom revolves around struggles with moderation, where codependents tend to exhibit extreme behaviors in various aspects of their lives, from appearance to emotions and problem-solving. The book meticulously details how these symptoms take a toll on individuals, affecting their views of themselves and their relationships. Negative control, resentment, disconnection from spirituality, escapism through substances, difficulty in building intimate relationships, and health problems are explored as consequences of codependence. The impact on children of codependent parents is also highlighted, creating a cycle that perpetuates through generations.
The roots of codependence are traced back to abusive childhood environments, where caregivers attack the child's innate qualities, including their sense of value, vulnerability, imperfection, dependence, and immaturity. The book emphasizes the importance of examining past abuse to understand the origins of codependence and begin the journey toward recovery. The final section of the book provides insights into starting the recovery process. Twelve Step meetings, such as Codependents Anonymous or CODA, are recommended, offering a supportive environment for sharing experiences and gaining insights. The "written Step One" exercise encourages individuals to reflect on their encounters with codependence symptoms, fostering self-awareness. A codependence sponsor, someone who has recovered from codependence, can provide guidance and support, offering a nurturing yet honest perspective. Consulting a therapist specializing in codependence is also advised for professional assistance.
Recovery from codependence is acknowledged as a challenging journey, marked by discomfort and the surfacing of suppressed emotions. The book encourages readers to persist through the initial difficulties, assuring them that the process, while demanding, is ultimately rewarding. "Facing Codependence" serves as a comprehensive guide for individuals seeking to break free from the intricate web of codependency, providing both understanding and actionable steps toward recovery.
-
While "Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives" by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller & J. Keith Miller provides valuable insights into the complexities of codependence and offers a roadmap for recovery, there are potential reasons why it is rated only 1 star. It's important to note that individual opinions may vary, and these reasons do not diminish the book's overall positive impact for many readers. Here are some possible reasons for a low rating:
1. Subjective Relevance: A reader might find the content irrelevant to their personal experiences or struggles, leading to a perception that the book does not cater to a diverse audience.
2. Writing Style: Some readers may not resonate with the author's writing style. If they find it too academic, overly technical, or lacking in engagement, it could affect their overall satisfaction with the book.
3. Redundancy: Critics might argue that the book is overly repetitive, reiterating the same concepts without introducing fresh perspectives or practical advice. This could lead to boredom and frustration for some readers.
4. Lack of Actionable Strategies: Individuals seeking more concrete and actionable strategies for overcoming codependency might feel disappointed if they perceive the book to be heavy on theory but light on practical guidance.
5. Limited Diversity of Perspectives: If the book predominantly presents codependency through a specific lens or fails to address a broad range of experiences and backgrounds, some readers may feel that it lacks inclusivity.
6. Inaccessibility: The book could be criticized for being too complex or jargon-heavy, making it difficult for certain readers to grasp the concepts and apply them to their own lives.
7. Insufficient Real-Life Examples: Readers may feel that the book lacks relatable, real-life examples, making it challenging to connect the theoretical concepts to their personal situations.
8. Overemphasis on Childhood Trauma: Some readers might find the book's emphasis on childhood trauma as the root cause of codependency limiting, especially if they believe other factors contribute significantly to their condition.
9. Unrealistic Expectations: If readers approach the book with unrealistic expectations of finding a quick or effortless solution to their codependency issues, they may be disappointed by the level of commitment and effort required for recovery.
10. Length and Detail: Individuals who prefer concise and to-the-point self-help books may find the extensive detail and length of "Facing Codependence" overwhelming or unnecessary.
The book begins by highlighting the various faces of codependence through the experiences of its characters. Frank, a successful architect, measures his self-worth through wealth and influence, leading to a crisis when he loses it all. David, a 16-year-old, relies heavily on his mother for basic tasks, reflecting a lack of self-sufficiency. Maureen, a senior officer at a bank, shields herself from harm through an unapproachable demeanor, sacrificing genuine connections for isolation. These stories serve as a mirror for readers to identify if they, too, are grappling with codependence. The core of the book revolves around the five primary symptoms of codependence. First is unhealthy self-esteem, manifested as severely low or excessively high self-worth, or deriving one's value from external factors. Dysfunctional boundary systems, the second symptom, involve issues such as having no boundaries, damaged boundaries, putting up walls, or a fluctuation between walls and nonexistent boundaries. The third symptom explores struggles with accepting and embracing personal reality, manifesting at two levels: knowing reality but not expressing it and being disconnected from one's reality altogether.
The fourth symptom addresses challenges in identifying and fulfilling personal needs and wants. Codependents may fall into categories such as being too dependent, anti-dependent, unaware of their needs, or confusing needs with wants. The fifth symptom revolves around struggles with moderation, where codependents tend to exhibit extreme behaviors in various aspects of their lives, from appearance to emotions and problem-solving. The book meticulously details how these symptoms take a toll on individuals, affecting their views of themselves and their relationships. Negative control, resentment, disconnection from spirituality, escapism through substances, difficulty in building intimate relationships, and health problems are explored as consequences of codependence. The impact on children of codependent parents is also highlighted, creating a cycle that perpetuates through generations.
The roots of codependence are traced back to abusive childhood environments, where caregivers attack the child's innate qualities, including their sense of value, vulnerability, imperfection, dependence, and immaturity. The book emphasizes the importance of examining past abuse to understand the origins of codependence and begin the journey toward recovery. The final section of the book provides insights into starting the recovery process. Twelve Step meetings, such as Codependents Anonymous or CODA, are recommended, offering a supportive environment for sharing experiences and gaining insights. The "written Step One" exercise encourages individuals to reflect on their encounters with codependence symptoms, fostering self-awareness. A codependence sponsor, someone who has recovered from codependence, can provide guidance and support, offering a nurturing yet honest perspective. Consulting a therapist specializing in codependence is also advised for professional assistance.
Recovery from codependence is acknowledged as a challenging journey, marked by discomfort and the surfacing of suppressed emotions. The book encourages readers to persist through the initial difficulties, assuring them that the process, while demanding, is ultimately rewarding. "Facing Codependence" serves as a comprehensive guide for individuals seeking to break free from the intricate web of codependency, providing both understanding and actionable steps toward recovery.
-
While "Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives" by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller & J. Keith Miller provides valuable insights into the complexities of codependence and offers a roadmap for recovery, there are potential reasons why it is rated only 1 star. It's important to note that individual opinions may vary, and these reasons do not diminish the book's overall positive impact for many readers. Here are some possible reasons for a low rating:
1. Subjective Relevance: A reader might find the content irrelevant to their personal experiences or struggles, leading to a perception that the book does not cater to a diverse audience.
2. Writing Style: Some readers may not resonate with the author's writing style. If they find it too academic, overly technical, or lacking in engagement, it could affect their overall satisfaction with the book.
3. Redundancy: Critics might argue that the book is overly repetitive, reiterating the same concepts without introducing fresh perspectives or practical advice. This could lead to boredom and frustration for some readers.
4. Lack of Actionable Strategies: Individuals seeking more concrete and actionable strategies for overcoming codependency might feel disappointed if they perceive the book to be heavy on theory but light on practical guidance.
5. Limited Diversity of Perspectives: If the book predominantly presents codependency through a specific lens or fails to address a broad range of experiences and backgrounds, some readers may feel that it lacks inclusivity.
6. Inaccessibility: The book could be criticized for being too complex or jargon-heavy, making it difficult for certain readers to grasp the concepts and apply them to their own lives.
7. Insufficient Real-Life Examples: Readers may feel that the book lacks relatable, real-life examples, making it challenging to connect the theoretical concepts to their personal situations.
8. Overemphasis on Childhood Trauma: Some readers might find the book's emphasis on childhood trauma as the root cause of codependency limiting, especially if they believe other factors contribute significantly to their condition.
9. Unrealistic Expectations: If readers approach the book with unrealistic expectations of finding a quick or effortless solution to their codependency issues, they may be disappointed by the level of commitment and effort required for recovery.
10. Length and Detail: Individuals who prefer concise and to-the-point self-help books may find the extensive detail and length of "Facing Codependence" overwhelming or unnecessary.
June 2, 2023
I had not really heard of the term Codependence before this book. But boy am I glad I did. Codependence is one of the root causes for nearly all of my problems in life!
Codependents have difficulty
1. Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem
2. Setting functional boundaries
3. Owning and expressing their own reality
4. Taking care of their own needs
5. Experiencing and expressing their reality moderately
This book provides extreme clarity on how my past experiences impact my view of myself and how to change this view moving forward.
There are so many quotes that I feel describe my thought process.
Pg48 “ On the other hand I may think I can read the other person’s thoughts and feelings and choose my behavior based on my perception of the other person’s opinion of me, thereby being controlled by that person”
Pg48 “ It sounds crazy, but many of us try to convince someone that we are a certain kind of person so we can believe we are”
Pg53 “ When I can own my imperfections, share them with another human being, and accept myself as I am — a perfectly imperfect person — I can be open to feeling connected to my higher power”
This book is going to be one I read every few years as a reminder to myself that I have value. I seem to seek value in unhealthy ways from others. The idea of setting boundaries was brought up in this book and is crucial for any relationship. This will also be a book I re-read if I ever have any kids to learn how to functionally parent/nurture them. This book is extremely eye opening and I hope all of you make time to read this book!!!
Codependents have difficulty
1. Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem
2. Setting functional boundaries
3. Owning and expressing their own reality
4. Taking care of their own needs
5. Experiencing and expressing their reality moderately
This book provides extreme clarity on how my past experiences impact my view of myself and how to change this view moving forward.
There are so many quotes that I feel describe my thought process.
Pg48 “ On the other hand I may think I can read the other person’s thoughts and feelings and choose my behavior based on my perception of the other person’s opinion of me, thereby being controlled by that person”
Pg48 “ It sounds crazy, but many of us try to convince someone that we are a certain kind of person so we can believe we are”
Pg53 “ When I can own my imperfections, share them with another human being, and accept myself as I am — a perfectly imperfect person — I can be open to feeling connected to my higher power”
This book is going to be one I read every few years as a reminder to myself that I have value. I seem to seek value in unhealthy ways from others. The idea of setting boundaries was brought up in this book and is crucial for any relationship. This will also be a book I re-read if I ever have any kids to learn how to functionally parent/nurture them. This book is extremely eye opening and I hope all of you make time to read this book!!!
June 10, 2012
Of all the books I've read on Co-dependency, I like Pia's books the best; after all, she is one of the major pioneers and authors who experienced and studied this personal phenomenon in human behavior. Usually, someone who is codependent has or has had a deep relationship with a qualifier, be it an addict, an abuser, or any other kind of dysfunctional person the codependent one can't leave without help. Society began using the term as kind of a "catch-all" for all dependent behaviors or as an expression of careless daily speech with its own definition. Pia Mellody keeps the initial definition, terminology and pathology of Codependency intact and writes about it in a clear and personal way that enables a lay person to understand what this behavior is all about. (In some groups like Al-Anon, for example, Codependency is labeled a disease or sickness in one who is often bound to any addict or abuser and has a certain pattern of behavior that accompanies that relationship. Breaking free of the codependent behavior is called "recovery" by such groups). Anyone who is caught up in something like this, or who is interested in psychology, Addictionology, or social behavior in general will find the book a real help, maybe even finding some answers to questions he/she may have about "...self".
October 5, 2024
After a lot of introspection and reading about how people fall into toxic relationships, especially relationships with people with personality disorders like BPD, I began to understand that I deal with a little codependency. I started noticing my stunted feeling of autonomy about a year ago, and this led to me concluding that I do not have a self-confidence issue, or even a self-love issue, but rather, I have a self-esteem issue. The problem is that I did not understand what “esteeming the self” truly meant.
I suggested to my therapist that I think I am codependent and she referred me to another book to read on the topic, but I skimmed the book and realized it was too centered on using religion, and specifically Christianity, as the primary tool for solving codependency. I agree with Reddit commenters that the religious approach of simply replacing dependency on the esteeming of other with the imagined esteeming of a god is not exactly fixing the problem—it just removes the problem from interpersonal relationships (and I am not sure it does that, either). After some reading through forums and browsing the small section of codependency-related books at Barnes & Noble, I decided this book was the safest bet because it was the least expressive of religion as the cure. This latter point mostly stands true.
What this book is: a non-academic’s perspective on what codependency is and how it manifests based on her experience with codependency and treating others with codependency in an alcoholic in-patient treatment facility that utilized the 12-Step methodology. However, the book only dedicated one brief chapter on what to do to treat codependency. The vast majority is explaining the symptoms of codependency in adulthood and how these symptoms arise due to various childhood adverse experiences.
What this book is not: an academically rigorous manual on treating codependency. To note, it is not academic at all—until an appendix section.
I think this book is very useful for those of us with codependency symptoms to understand our behaviors that are codependent (there are a few I did not connect with codependency myself), and I think it is also a great insight into the concept of ‘generational trauma’ and how that manifests and strengthens over time. I certainly understand the role of generational trauma as it affected my parents, and I can thank this book for helping me identify how it affects me today. I think the book also does a great job at discerning the difference between holding your parents accountable (even if it is not acted upon outwardly) without holding them responsible: outside of serious sexual or physical abuse, our parents really did not have the tools to know any better. They really were trying their best based on the information and tools available to them. I think this fact can get lost for most due to the prevalence of “therapy speak” and mental health awareness. It is important to realize this is a very recent development in the realm of general discourse in America (2010s-present). However, as other reviewers have noted, many of the examples of abuse in this book are of the extremely serious kind, and I do not think the author is appropriately educated or equipped to address the actual nuance between abuse and adverse experiences. She really tries a few times, but she fails. I have the benefit of the education needed to understand the nuances myself (PhD in psychology), but I fear the general reader might not.
As an academic about to graduate with his PhD, I think the prose of the book is poor at times. There are enough examples of misspellings, misuse of phonetically related words (e.g., ‘illusive’ instead of ‘elusive’), and incorrect grammar that make it hard to focus on the concepts without getting distracted. For this to be a second edition, I expect the editing to be better—especially for a book that boasts 400k copies sold at the time of this copyright in 2003. This book *should* be an invaluable academic resource for researchers looking into the ecological validity of evaluating their hypothetical models of codependency, but it is making itself easily ridiculed due to lazy editing work. It could probably stand a third edition, as I think most of these errors are apparent in the expanded part of the book introduced in the second edition (based on the pretextual Note, Forward, and Introduction).
The most interesting part of the book for me was the Appendix that touched on the preceding literature that danced around the concept of codependency. This section probably is not interesting or useful to most, but it certainly scratched my academic psychology itch. I will probably look into some of the cited literature. However, the literature review in this Appendix was conducted in the 1980s and I am sure there is a wealth of information to be included since. It is concerning that this is still one of the most recommend books on codependency that is not ruined by an overt focus on Christian 12-Step ideology. There seems to be a significant need for compiling the past 40 years of academic literature on the hypothetical basis of codependency using the current biopsychosocial model and how it is treated clinically. Maybe I will tackle this after I graduate.
Overall, I recommend reading this book if you have codependency issues, but I also recommend it for anyone to understand generational trauma. I think it is valuable for understanding how we got here and how it currently manifests. This book is not, however, a good resource on tackling codependency issues through some kind of treatment. I am not sure a 12-Step approach barely outlined in this book is appropriate for codependency. More likely, an analytical psychology approach evaluating neuroticism and “the self” is more useful in understanding who we are and how to stop falling into disruptive behavioral patterns. I also fear the author might deal with more than just codependency issues herself—some of her anecdotes of her own behavior are unhinged, and though it was a different time in the 1980s, it is easy to piece together that she married her boss who also happened to be a therapeutic role model. While I am glad he helped her become less unhinged, I still have to note the irony of writing about codependency when you married your boss after an inappropriate work relationship.
I suggested to my therapist that I think I am codependent and she referred me to another book to read on the topic, but I skimmed the book and realized it was too centered on using religion, and specifically Christianity, as the primary tool for solving codependency. I agree with Reddit commenters that the religious approach of simply replacing dependency on the esteeming of other with the imagined esteeming of a god is not exactly fixing the problem—it just removes the problem from interpersonal relationships (and I am not sure it does that, either). After some reading through forums and browsing the small section of codependency-related books at Barnes & Noble, I decided this book was the safest bet because it was the least expressive of religion as the cure. This latter point mostly stands true.
What this book is: a non-academic’s perspective on what codependency is and how it manifests based on her experience with codependency and treating others with codependency in an alcoholic in-patient treatment facility that utilized the 12-Step methodology. However, the book only dedicated one brief chapter on what to do to treat codependency. The vast majority is explaining the symptoms of codependency in adulthood and how these symptoms arise due to various childhood adverse experiences.
What this book is not: an academically rigorous manual on treating codependency. To note, it is not academic at all—until an appendix section.
I think this book is very useful for those of us with codependency symptoms to understand our behaviors that are codependent (there are a few I did not connect with codependency myself), and I think it is also a great insight into the concept of ‘generational trauma’ and how that manifests and strengthens over time. I certainly understand the role of generational trauma as it affected my parents, and I can thank this book for helping me identify how it affects me today. I think the book also does a great job at discerning the difference between holding your parents accountable (even if it is not acted upon outwardly) without holding them responsible: outside of serious sexual or physical abuse, our parents really did not have the tools to know any better. They really were trying their best based on the information and tools available to them. I think this fact can get lost for most due to the prevalence of “therapy speak” and mental health awareness. It is important to realize this is a very recent development in the realm of general discourse in America (2010s-present). However, as other reviewers have noted, many of the examples of abuse in this book are of the extremely serious kind, and I do not think the author is appropriately educated or equipped to address the actual nuance between abuse and adverse experiences. She really tries a few times, but she fails. I have the benefit of the education needed to understand the nuances myself (PhD in psychology), but I fear the general reader might not.
As an academic about to graduate with his PhD, I think the prose of the book is poor at times. There are enough examples of misspellings, misuse of phonetically related words (e.g., ‘illusive’ instead of ‘elusive’), and incorrect grammar that make it hard to focus on the concepts without getting distracted. For this to be a second edition, I expect the editing to be better—especially for a book that boasts 400k copies sold at the time of this copyright in 2003. This book *should* be an invaluable academic resource for researchers looking into the ecological validity of evaluating their hypothetical models of codependency, but it is making itself easily ridiculed due to lazy editing work. It could probably stand a third edition, as I think most of these errors are apparent in the expanded part of the book introduced in the second edition (based on the pretextual Note, Forward, and Introduction).
The most interesting part of the book for me was the Appendix that touched on the preceding literature that danced around the concept of codependency. This section probably is not interesting or useful to most, but it certainly scratched my academic psychology itch. I will probably look into some of the cited literature. However, the literature review in this Appendix was conducted in the 1980s and I am sure there is a wealth of information to be included since. It is concerning that this is still one of the most recommend books on codependency that is not ruined by an overt focus on Christian 12-Step ideology. There seems to be a significant need for compiling the past 40 years of academic literature on the hypothetical basis of codependency using the current biopsychosocial model and how it is treated clinically. Maybe I will tackle this after I graduate.
Overall, I recommend reading this book if you have codependency issues, but I also recommend it for anyone to understand generational trauma. I think it is valuable for understanding how we got here and how it currently manifests. This book is not, however, a good resource on tackling codependency issues through some kind of treatment. I am not sure a 12-Step approach barely outlined in this book is appropriate for codependency. More likely, an analytical psychology approach evaluating neuroticism and “the self” is more useful in understanding who we are and how to stop falling into disruptive behavioral patterns. I also fear the author might deal with more than just codependency issues herself—some of her anecdotes of her own behavior are unhinged, and though it was a different time in the 1980s, it is easy to piece together that she married her boss who also happened to be a therapeutic role model. While I am glad he helped her become less unhinged, I still have to note the irony of writing about codependency when you married your boss after an inappropriate work relationship.
December 24, 2020
Although I think that this book was very helpful not only personally, but professionally as someone who works with adolescents, I felt that it didn't spend enough time on how to recover as it did on laying out the problem. Don't get me wrong, I think spelling out the issues is helpful, but I feel like I would like to know more about how to fix them within myself and others. Also, although the author was thorough on very difficult forms of abuse, the subtle forms made it kind of scary, even as a non-parent. It kind of seemed like any kind of mistake or misalignment with children would bring about traumatic results. However, towards the end, I didn't have as much of a problem with this approach. I think for many people, adulthood is about working through the big and small traumas of childhood. So maybe, we as a modern society are going a roundabout way to describe growing up and becoming an adult-- shedding our childhood for our own separate identity. Thinking in this lens-- that everyone needs to do it-- is actually something I agree with, and I think the author was getting at even if she didn't state it explicitly.
July 21, 2017
El libro es medianamente bueno, su enfoque no me agradó porque lo compara con los doce pasos que se utilizan en la recuperación en adicciones (ej alcohol o drogas), pienso que no sería la manera de comentar la recuperación hacia la codependencia.
El resto del libro que se enfoca en describir los síntomas nucleares de la codependencia ayudan de alguna forma a conocer algunas causas que pueden originar la "enfermedad", más no es un análisis que amplié el panorama. Son solo algunas pautas.
El resto del libro que se enfoca en describir los síntomas nucleares de la codependencia ayudan de alguna forma a conocer algunas causas que pueden originar la "enfermedad", más no es un análisis que amplié el panorama. Son solo algunas pautas.
November 19, 2017
Mia Pellody gives 5 core symptoms of co-dependence and how each of these could have been formed in our lives, as well as how we deal with these symptoms as adults.
When our childhood upbringing forces us to act in ways that are not natural to our own personality, for instance the feeling of walking on eggshells around a certain person to not make him/her angry, this is a form of co-dependence. Highly recommend this read if you were abused/went through traumatic events as a kid.
When our childhood upbringing forces us to act in ways that are not natural to our own personality, for instance the feeling of walking on eggshells around a certain person to not make him/her angry, this is a form of co-dependence. Highly recommend this read if you were abused/went through traumatic events as a kid.
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