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Should You Leave? A Psychiatrist Explores Intimacy and Autonomy -- and the Nature of Advice
Explores the interrelated issues of working on a relationship versus ending it, what kind of advice one should accept, and whether contemporary society overvalues independence
320 pages, Hardcover
First published September 1, 1997
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425 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
September 8, 2017
This is a really rich book, though it's not an easy read. Kramer's aim is to bring out the complexities of both marriage and therapy.
May 22, 2014
The book is written in a fairly difficult language. At first I was forcing myself to read since I was interested in topic.
After 40 pages I was drawn in by numerous unique ideas which I kept founding page after page. The language still feels a little too hard, but given knowledge and intelligence of author I think that its okay.
The theme - various types of relationships which lead to question in header - is looked at from various angles, and every new "YOU" has something else (intersting and quite exciting to me) to bring to the picture.
After finishing the book I feel that we have looked at a lot of types of relationships, however I don't have a feeling of closure. We are still left very open ended.
What I found somewhat dissapointing, is that in very few cases author presents us with a relationship where "yes, leave" is the correct answer. Almost everytime, no matter how bad relationship looks from initial preview, we end up with "stay" answer.
Given that I was left unclear about types of relationships where author would be brave enough to advice to leave, except for few really extreme examples (extreme bad relationships from all angles).
All in all, I think that topic is one of the most important in life, and that book is a must read simply because it covers it pretty good, and presents you with a whole bunch of new ideas and important questions to ask.
Its really amazing how something seemingly obvious initially, next becomes clearly wrong just as author presents us with a few ideas or questions.
You probably won't be able to look at relationships the same way, and probably won't feel that you have the right to give anyone advice, given that author with huge experience is so unsure about it.
After 40 pages I was drawn in by numerous unique ideas which I kept founding page after page. The language still feels a little too hard, but given knowledge and intelligence of author I think that its okay.
The theme - various types of relationships which lead to question in header - is looked at from various angles, and every new "YOU" has something else (intersting and quite exciting to me) to bring to the picture.
After finishing the book I feel that we have looked at a lot of types of relationships, however I don't have a feeling of closure. We are still left very open ended.
What I found somewhat dissapointing, is that in very few cases author presents us with a relationship where "yes, leave" is the correct answer. Almost everytime, no matter how bad relationship looks from initial preview, we end up with "stay" answer.
Given that I was left unclear about types of relationships where author would be brave enough to advice to leave, except for few really extreme examples (extreme bad relationships from all angles).
All in all, I think that topic is one of the most important in life, and that book is a must read simply because it covers it pretty good, and presents you with a whole bunch of new ideas and important questions to ask.
Its really amazing how something seemingly obvious initially, next becomes clearly wrong just as author presents us with a few ideas or questions.
You probably won't be able to look at relationships the same way, and probably won't feel that you have the right to give anyone advice, given that author with huge experience is so unsure about it.
March 17, 2008
I suppose it's not surprising that practicing therapists are often approached by friends...for a bit of free advice, or even an assessment as to just how bad (or worthwhile) is the relationship they are currently in.
Kramer presents a synthesis of the current thinking and wisdom applied by therapists in helping people understand and heal their relationships. He structures this material as an answer to a fictitious friend who is asking "should I stay or get out of" the relationship I'm in.
The best book on relationships I've ever read (despite the rather discouraging title!).
Kramer presents a synthesis of the current thinking and wisdom applied by therapists in helping people understand and heal their relationships. He structures this material as an answer to a fictitious friend who is asking "should I stay or get out of" the relationship I'm in.
The best book on relationships I've ever read (despite the rather discouraging title!).
May 21, 2008
I don't remember reading this but my notes from it are interesting, so it must be good.
January 17, 2021
"Everyone has memories of advice that, whether it was followed or not, and whether if followed it turned out for good or I'll, opened up an aspect of the world."
We all experience or at some point have to find an answer to the question, "should I stay or leave?" and this book explores just that, explores the complexity of the Therapist and Patient perspective because often when we go to therapy we want answers, definite answers and herein the author gives insight into relationships, how do we choose our partners? How does our mood affect a relationship in terms of how we assess them and most of all when should we try to improve the relationship or leave?
It's a good read, one that spins tales akin to a therapy session.
We all experience or at some point have to find an answer to the question, "should I stay or leave?" and this book explores just that, explores the complexity of the Therapist and Patient perspective because often when we go to therapy we want answers, definite answers and herein the author gives insight into relationships, how do we choose our partners? How does our mood affect a relationship in terms of how we assess them and most of all when should we try to improve the relationship or leave?
It's a good read, one that spins tales akin to a therapy session.
March 13, 2025
This dense book is full of gems, like:
Part of what looks like nurture may be the child's nature, expressed in parental reactions.
To speak intimately and clearly - not trying to please or bully the other, not trying to exaggerate one's degree of certainty or uncertainty - is to experience separateness, a frightening but crucial step on the road to mental health.
One can value superficial happiness as a strength, that capacity to get along in life and enjoy certain of its details even over an underlying feeling of emptiness or dread.
Part of what looks like nurture may be the child's nature, expressed in parental reactions.
To speak intimately and clearly - not trying to please or bully the other, not trying to exaggerate one's degree of certainty or uncertainty - is to experience separateness, a frightening but crucial step on the road to mental health.
One can value superficial happiness as a strength, that capacity to get along in life and enjoy certain of its details even over an underlying feeling of emptiness or dread.
February 3, 2020
While not the premise, this book taught me a fair deal about the theoretical underpinnings of contemporary psychoanalysis. After providing lots of relevant theoretical context - in an engaging style that speaks volumes to the talent of the author - the author ties everything together in a manner that makes me want to reread the whole book almost immediately.
Read
December 31, 2022A useful thought provoking read less on "should one leave" and more about what makes relationships meaningful. A great primer on different theoretical approaches to couples therapy written in a lively way.
November 1, 2010
I was really into this book until I reached about 3/4 of the way in. Most of the chapters are essentially a thesis, where he presents the reader with one of several popular theories in psychiatry about relationships and intimacy. The writer then expounds on the ideas through stories involving real-life encounters with clients in his office, which are used as a backdrop to demonstrate the pros and cons of said theory. Then he wraps up the chapters with his own experience in life, as it applies to the theory, as a budding psychologist and with his relationship with his own personal guru of psychiatry.
It's all very organized and when dealing with such 'heady' stuff, I think a solid emphasis on organization is necessary to keep the reader's involved and to make the author seem credible. I can understand why people would get the impression that the book is pretentious, and I think that without this emphasis on critical thinking and organized argument, he would have lost all credibility with me and he would have come off as 'some guy trying to talk about how much he knows about stuff.' haha... The problem I have comes with the last quarter of the book. He doesn't stick to the same methods and sort of trails off when it comes to critical thinking. There's no conclusion drawn, no closing argument. I walked away feeling as if nothing was ever 'wrapped up.' This may have been the point -- that when in intimate relationships, and in your relationship to your therapist, you will never be able to identify just ONE thing that is the cause of your current state of intimacy and subsequently, there will not be ONE answer. You're therapist will never give you ONE definite answer, unless he's Freud, which sucks for you. ha ha....
In retrospect, I think that his 'closing argument' was woven throughout the book, through his emphasis on "differentiation of self." From what I can understand about this phenomenon, it doesn't matter whether you stay or leave, as long as the relationship was or becomes an opportunity for growth. I think that's a compelling enough statement that merits repeating at the end. In fact, I think you can make the same impact on your audience without going into such heady material; this idea can translate easily into fiction, a short story, a poem, a memoir, etc. However, I'm going to trust that the author must have known something about his audience to write it in the manner that he did.
Either way, it was fun to hear the thought process of a psychiatrist and his take on what makes relationships work. All in all, I liked it.
*NOTES WHILE READING: The title is a little lame... but the book is fascinating! It's more of a narrative. If you've ever sat across from a doctor and wondered, "What doe she REALLY think?" or "Why can't you give me a straightforward piece of advice?", you'll like this. Kramer is a FANTASTIC writer!
It's all very organized and when dealing with such 'heady' stuff, I think a solid emphasis on organization is necessary to keep the reader's involved and to make the author seem credible. I can understand why people would get the impression that the book is pretentious, and I think that without this emphasis on critical thinking and organized argument, he would have lost all credibility with me and he would have come off as 'some guy trying to talk about how much he knows about stuff.' haha... The problem I have comes with the last quarter of the book. He doesn't stick to the same methods and sort of trails off when it comes to critical thinking. There's no conclusion drawn, no closing argument. I walked away feeling as if nothing was ever 'wrapped up.' This may have been the point -- that when in intimate relationships, and in your relationship to your therapist, you will never be able to identify just ONE thing that is the cause of your current state of intimacy and subsequently, there will not be ONE answer. You're therapist will never give you ONE definite answer, unless he's Freud, which sucks for you. ha ha....
In retrospect, I think that his 'closing argument' was woven throughout the book, through his emphasis on "differentiation of self." From what I can understand about this phenomenon, it doesn't matter whether you stay or leave, as long as the relationship was or becomes an opportunity for growth. I think that's a compelling enough statement that merits repeating at the end. In fact, I think you can make the same impact on your audience without going into such heady material; this idea can translate easily into fiction, a short story, a poem, a memoir, etc. However, I'm going to trust that the author must have known something about his audience to write it in the manner that he did.
Either way, it was fun to hear the thought process of a psychiatrist and his take on what makes relationships work. All in all, I liked it.
*NOTES WHILE READING: The title is a little lame... but the book is fascinating! It's more of a narrative. If you've ever sat across from a doctor and wondered, "What doe she REALLY think?" or "Why can't you give me a straightforward piece of advice?", you'll like this. Kramer is a FANTASTIC writer!
February 23, 2012
*As much as I wanted to, I just couldn't leave (the book)*
As the author himself admits, this book is an "odd hybrid of fiction, nonfiction, and self-help." No doubt this book contributes a wealth of vignettes, theory, and what borders on advice. But, at times the mix seemed to be a bit too much. In addition to the high-density content, the writing of this book was often quite cumbersome and clunky.
Nonetheless, this book does provide quite a few insightful comments about evaluating whether to stay in or opt out of a relationship, including: "You are not far from where you ought to be; Whom you have chosen speaks to who you are; There are limits to how different things will be if you exchange this partner for another; Change enough; Change yourself; Use the relationship as a place in which to grow; Expect discomfort."
Appropriately, every so many pages I asked myself "Should You Leave?" this book. But, the more time and energy I invested in this book, the more I tried to stick it out, discomfort and all. I suppose I used the author's advice of using the "relationship" (with the book) as a place from which to grow. But I have to admit, I felt much relief when I finished the last page and could take what I learned and finally leave.
As the author himself admits, this book is an "odd hybrid of fiction, nonfiction, and self-help." No doubt this book contributes a wealth of vignettes, theory, and what borders on advice. But, at times the mix seemed to be a bit too much. In addition to the high-density content, the writing of this book was often quite cumbersome and clunky.
Nonetheless, this book does provide quite a few insightful comments about evaluating whether to stay in or opt out of a relationship, including: "You are not far from where you ought to be; Whom you have chosen speaks to who you are; There are limits to how different things will be if you exchange this partner for another; Change enough; Change yourself; Use the relationship as a place in which to grow; Expect discomfort."
Appropriately, every so many pages I asked myself "Should You Leave?" this book. But, the more time and energy I invested in this book, the more I tried to stick it out, discomfort and all. I suppose I used the author's advice of using the "relationship" (with the book) as a place from which to grow. But I have to admit, I felt much relief when I finished the last page and could take what I learned and finally leave.
September 26, 2020
A fascinating account of therapy, and the psychology of couples and self-actualization. But I just couldn't finish this chonk of a book.
Rather than leaving it in my "Currently Reading" forever (and I'm sure I'll keep returning to it now and then, as I always find interesting ideas in it), I just can't commit to finishing this right now. There are other books I'd rather be reading.
Rather than leaving it in my "Currently Reading" forever (and I'm sure I'll keep returning to it now and then, as I always find interesting ideas in it), I just can't commit to finishing this right now. There are other books I'd rather be reading.
September 25, 2016
This dense book is full of gems, like:
Part of what looks like nurture may be the child's nature, expressed in parental reactions.
To speak intimately and clearly - not trying to please or bully the other, not trying to exaggerate one's degree of certainty or uncertainty - is to experience separateness, a frightening but crucial step on the road to mental health.
One can value superficial happiness as a strength, that capacity to get along in life and enjoy certain of its details even over an underlying feeling of emptiness or dread.
Part of what looks like nurture may be the child's nature, expressed in parental reactions.
To speak intimately and clearly - not trying to please or bully the other, not trying to exaggerate one's degree of certainty or uncertainty - is to experience separateness, a frightening but crucial step on the road to mental health.
One can value superficial happiness as a strength, that capacity to get along in life and enjoy certain of its details even over an underlying feeling of emptiness or dread.
August 6, 2011
I loved this book as much as the other books by Peter D. Kramer that I've read, Listening to Prozac and Against Depression. This one shows that he's so much more than just a psychiatrist who prescribes drugs. I love how he's willing to contradict himself, argue with his own ideas, and show that he doesn't know everything there is to know. It definitely takes some concentration to understand some of the psychological theory in this book, but it's worth it.
February 6, 2008
Like Kramer's other books, this one is much more than it seems on the surface -- it looks like just another self-help book for couples in trouble. But instead it's a hefty rumination on the nature of relationships and the idea of advice vs. psychotherapy. It's definitely worth reading, and it gave me a lot to think about.
February 3, 2016
Excellent, thoughtful exploration of why we're attracted to who we are, what that means when things go wrong, and possible strategies to turn things around. Highly recommend, although if you're in a relationship, I would vote for reading the ebook... the title is bound to get a few raised eyebrows, otherwise.
February 15, 2009
The title is provocative although a little misleading, even though that question is addressed. The subtitle more accurately captures this psychiatrist's fascinating accounts of his interactions with some of his patients.
April 22, 2009
The most successful book I have ever read that is written in the second person. It's written almost as a novel, but also includes lots of advice, if you can find the "you" that most closely matches you and your circumstances.
February 23, 2014
A beautiful book on the complexities of relationships! A definite read if you question whether you should stay in a relationship.
January 15, 2014
Some interesting thoughts revealed for self-exploration and consideration, though written in a style probably not suited for everyone.
Currently reading
September 10, 2016p. 134
June 20, 2010
This book was BORING and pretentious.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews