Discipline That Connects With Your Child's Heart: Building Faith, Wisdom, and Character in the Messes of Daily Life

by Jim Jackson, Lynne Jackson

A Powerful Approach to Bringing God's Grace to Kids
Did you know that the way we deal (or don't deal) with our kids' misbehavior shapes their beliefs about themselves, the world, and God? Therefore it's vital to connect with their hearts--not just their minds--amid the daily behavior battles.
With warmth and grace, Jim and Lynne Jackson, founders of Connected Families, offer four tried-and-true keys to handling any behavioral issues with love, truth, and authority. You will learn practical ways to communicate messages of grace and truth, how to discipline in a way that motivates your child, and how to keep your relationship strong, not antagonistic. Discipline is more than just a short-term attempt to modify your child's actions--it's a long-term investment to help them build faith, wisdom, and character for life. When you discover a better path to discipline, you'll find a more well-behaved--and well-believed--kid.

Genres: Parenting, Christian, Nonfiction, Family, Christianity, Christian Living, Counselling

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2012

Reviews

[Brenda · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I appreciate about Jim and Lynne Jackson’s Discipline that Connects with your Child’s Heart is they perfectly sync child psychology with Christ-centered faith. I’ve read my share of Bible-based parenting books. Many of them, I admit, are pretty heavy-handed and authoritarian. Discipline That Connects takes a different approach, teaching that first and foremost a child needs a safe parent and that a child needs to know that they are loved no matter what, ESPECIALLY during conflict and correction. I found the Biblical connections refreshing. I expected to find more of the same old covenant, law-based teachings I've found elsewhere, but instead I found a deep well of references to Christ’s kindness, grace, and love for his children. “It’s the kindness of God that leads us to repentance.” The book not only teaches a methodology, but it also applications. The end of each chapter includes reflective questions and tangible activities you can put into practice right away, not to mention about a third of the books consists of real-life applications for the daily problems parents face (including sassing, sibling conflict, daily transitions, bedtime, meals, and more). And while I loved the content of the book, I did find the writing style a little slow-moving. It began to feel like I was trudging through the book instead of clipping along. It was only the great content that kept me from giving up. I strongly encourage parents looking for a Christ-centered model of parenting to read this book! It would make a great book to read with a small group.

I received this book for free in exchange for my unbiased feedback.

[Chris Gisler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was super practical, honest, and hope-filled. I really appreciate the Connected Families ministry. If you aren't familiar with their resources definitely check out their website and/or podcasts.

Jim and Lynne Jackson provide a thorough framework for approaching discipline in your home: you are safe with me, you are loved no matter what, you are called and capable, and you are responsible for your actions. Their approach is a beautiful combination of child development, faith, and a bit of neurobiology.

One note: There are reflection questions throughout each chapter, so it can end up feeling like a lot to read through this book if you are wanting to go all-in. If that gets tiresome or overwhelming, I would make notes of concepts or issues you know you'll want to revisit in the future or when you have more brainpower, etc.

Some of my biggest takeaways:
- Becoming a safer parent by understanding the complete acceptance and love Jesus has for me: the more I believe and receive this, the more I can give this to my child.
- Do I mainly seek quick obedience/compliance with a posture of control? Or is my heart with my child, working to encourage obedience and help them grow in wisdom? "Disobedient people don't need to be taught obedience, they need wisdom to value God's righteous ways." !!!!
- Looking at common misbehaviors in children and seeing the hidden gift in them (e.g.: complainer-- aware of problems; potential for problem-solving).
- "This child is not my report card. Jesus is my report card." (Not letting their behavior define me or control my emotions.)
- Using Scripture thoughtfully and calmly outside of moments of discipline, in a peaceful time. Of course, Scripture and biblical illustrations address behaviors and attitudes and we want to bring those into our everyday issues with our children. However, "kids who hear Scripture used primarily to correct their misbehavior are almost certain to develop a distaste for it." Sometimes Scripture can be used in a scolding or shaming manner. I have felt this inside but haven't been able to put words to it as helpfully as they did.
- Seeing God's unconditional love for me in my parenting struggles and God's unconditional love for my child in their struggles. "Do I want to model despair and defeat, or am I willing to persevere in a step-by-step process? I can be an example of faith through struggle to my child."
- Specific examples for practicing reconciliation and rebuilding when things fall apart.
- Problem-solving and skill-building

My final note is that I went to school with a few of their kids and they truly are a connected family. So that is fun :)

[Alicia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book. I've read a couple other Christian parenting books that have similar approaches (Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson, Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick, and Graced Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel) and this one was the most helpful for me. It builds a strong foundation to help think through a gentle, grace-filled Biblical parenting approach, but also gives so many practical examples. They don't advocate one specific way of parenting, but instead help parents to rely on the Holy Spirit as they make various parenting/discipline decisions. They help to build a long term vision for discipling children, rather than focusing on how to get kids to stop misbehaving asap no matter the possible side effects. It's a quick read and I know I will go back to it and re-read multiple times. Highly recommended.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would only recommend this book if you want to focus on your children's long term future and not just solve the short term problems that make parenting messy and inconvenient. It turns out that leading kids through the challenges of life in ways that will prepare them to handle challenges responsibly on their own is inconvenient, intimidating, and time consuming. But if you want to do it the hard way, you'll find encouragement and inspiration here.

There wasn't a lot here that I would say was new information for me, but since I'm realizing that I don't need new FACTS, I need new STORIES--it was helpful to listen through this book slowly and let the attitudes and perspectives influence how I connect with my kids. So I would recommend it.

[Brooke Denniston · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked Jim & Lynn’s discipline strategy, “Discipline That Connects,” and have seen positive changes in implementing the basic ideas. The framework consists of four actions and four messages, each building on the preceding in order to help a child grow and mature into who God has created him or her to be: 1) You are safe with me, 2) you are loved no matter what, 3) you are called and capable, 4) you are responsible for your actions.

Parenting from a heart connection that aims to lead children to the cross, not just control behavior reminded me a lot of “Shepherding a child’s heart” with a few major differences in approach. Overall, I will take a lot from this book even though it is a bit dry and took me a while get through, but I do recommend!

I skimmed the appendix but plan to return when needed (I.e. not finishing homework, name calling lol - issues we haven’t yet reached in our parenting journey).

Lines to keep:

“ ‘God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.’ (Hebrews 12:10) This verse compels me to follow God’s example in two concrete ways. First, I’m challenged to discipline my children for their own good, not for my relief or my desire to seize control. Secondly, I’m invited to consider how discipline can lead my child toward holiness - God’s “set apart” or supremely distinct purposes for my child’s life.”

“To truly grow as a parent, I examine my thoughts, feelings and motives, and I surrender them to God’s grace and truth.”

“The strong emotions, actions, and statements revealed in me as I discipline are a strong indicator of what’s happening under the surface. They provide me a mirror of what’s really in my heart.”

“Enter the fray with this question: Lord, what’s the opportunity here? How can I help build the skills they’re going to need in life?”

[Lydia Howe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Why I Choose this Book:

I am incredibly interested in the reasoning behind why people think or do things. I ask "why?" all the time. I also find it fascinating to study personalities, read about studies done with people, and occasionally parenting books. Not only do I generally find books like this interesting, but they can also be helpful even in non-parenting situations - such as when I help out with the kids at Sunday School. Plus, I figure that if I ever do have kids one day (which I would love to) having studied the information now will be helpful. So, that's the reason I choose this book even though I'm not a parent.

What I Thought about this Book:

It was intriguing, and at times enlightening. There were some lightbulb moments which were pretty cool. In fact, one of them helped me change my mindset toward one of the kids that I get to hang out with on a regular basis. So yay!

There were quite a fews of the things in the book I did agree with, but there was also a fair amount that I didn't agree with. For one thing I felt like the balance was off. I don't think parents should be control freaks, but there is also the other side of the spectrum where the parents give the kids too much control. From my viewpoint the book advocated giving the kids too much control. I think that their approach is a great idea to practice some of the time because it is really important for kids to learn to think through things on their own and learn how to make good decisions, but I also think it is important for kids to learn to obey their parents cheerfully even when they don't understand or want to.

I totally agree that parents should make sure their kids feel safe, loved, and secure, and I'm glad that this book addressed that.

Conclusion:

I'm not a parent so I'm not fully qualified to recommend or not recommend this book, but I will say that I learned from it, and it gave me some good food for thought.

Rating:

I’m giving "Discipline that Connects with Your Child's Heart" 3 out of 5 stars, and 5 out of 10.

*I received this book from Bethany House Publishers

[Kaylan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book for parenting? The Bible.
Next best? This book.

I really enjoyed this read. It was both encouraging and challenging. It is very focused on practical steps to use challenges/misbehavior as a tool to connect and discipline your child in a way that points them to reconciling their relationships with others and with the Lord.

Although it covered some things I already do, there were lots of excellent examples and ideas of things I had never tried or thought of. There were also many deep, thought provoking questions, like, "When I discipline my child, what messages does he receive?" or "What does my discipline teach about God's character?" Or "How are my past experiences or fears affecting the way I am discipline my child?" and much more!

Must of the book focuses on four core messages your child hopefully receives in discipline: You are safe. You are loved. You are called/capable. You are responsible for your actions/choices. They use Scripture, Biblical principles, relatable examples, questions, and specific steps to teach you how to do this.

This book took me months to read--not because it was difficult, but because I needed to think and put in to practice what I read. Sometimes I read 2-3 pages and then thought/prayed/practiced for days/weeks. I'm so thankful for this resource, and I highly recommend it!!

[Linz · Rating 5 out of 5]

DNF’d at 61%. Not because it was bad but because my kids are almost adults and a lot of the stuff was geared towards little kids. But even still, I got some really good things out of it and continued reading it just for the knowledge and to maybe be able to pass on some of the advice to my kids when they become parents. Lots of good stuff in here so if you have younger kids I’d definitely recommend reading it. I wish I had when my kids were little! 4.5 ⭐️

[Sean Solberg · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this on recommendation from a friend. While the book is well grounded in the idea that parents should be loving and safe, and puts a focus on parents keeping an eternal view in mind, I believe that the approach described here is fundamentally flawed.

The methods shown revolve around treating the child with deference similar to a peer, not a person who is being developed. Children certainly need to be loved and treated accordingly, but I think the authors confuse the dynamic between the autonomy of the child and the role of loving shepherding that is appropriate for a parent with a deference and "mutual respect" that is a common platitude of the modern times.

The authors also regularly exhibit a bargaining approach to parenting. While this is probably easy, and feels "right" or "fair", it is really neither. The child will begin to expect quid pro quo instead of trusting their parent to love them and guide them with wisdom. Instead of fostering true trust and displaying integrity, the bargaining shows the parent to be a fickle actor. Bargaining in this fashion with the young person shows that discipline is based more on whim and less on firm biblical principle.

I would not recommend this book.

[Chad · Rating 3 out of 5]

This parenting book walks through four messages you must communicate to your child to connect with them when disciplining. It's quite thorough, with plenty of specific examples. The authors say the book is all about leading children into a deeper connection with God's holiness and love.

Although it's a Christian parenting book and includes Bible references, it seems like this book leans more on psychology and less on the Bible than other Christian parenting books. There were a few times that I questioned how the authors applied a verse.

From reading it and not yet putting it into practice, I can only say that it seems the framework would be effective.

Notes
Four Essential Messages
1. "You are safe with me." Child must feel emotionally and physically safe. If you discipline from a need to control, child will feel unsafe and learn to be intimidated by anger. Calm down and be thoughtful. Instead of trying to make problem go away immediately, model God's grace and truth.
2. "You are loved, no matter what." Tough discipline is rarely delivered with forgiveness and grace.
3. "You are called and capable." Most misbehavior involves a skill; find it beneath the sin. Redirect it for honoring purposes, don't squash it. Focus on potential rather than failure.
4. "You are responsible." Consequences shouldn't force kids to "serve time" but restitute and reconcile. Use constructive, not punitive consequences.

Lessons Our Kids Truly Need
Come along child as a guide. Create a safe place for them to share real feelings. Be with them, no longer seen as an opponent or authority figure. Keep your position of authority, but put responsibility into child's hands, and gain respect.

When you try to domineer (gain instant control in a situation), kids either comply to stay out of trouble or eventually rebel against control. Either way, they never learn to be self-guided.

1. "You Are Safe With Me"
Examples of constructive consequence
Child who disrespectfully yells at sibling must share 4 encouraging and loving things with sibling.
Child who refuses to finish chores gets privileges back when chores are done, and compensates others with extra chore.
Child who lied creates a plan to restore trust in relationship.

Forward Progress Begins With a Backward Step
Once kids perceive us to be safe, they're receptive to love and guidance.

Before disciplining, breathe and pray to activate safety. This helps you be a gentle guide, not a demanding bully.

Frightened kids tend to fight back or be intimidated into compliance. Either way, they don't learn respect, obedience, wisdom.

Keeping My Kids Safe From My Baggage
Don't "attack" kids or they'll get defensive and think about your response rather than their behavior. Show that you have their best interests in mind. Help child consider what would be wiser behavior in future.

Help child learn to calm down by describing our feelings and strategy for calming down.

The intense attention you give when yelling at child rewards bad behavior.

Reply to whining with, "If I give you what you want when you whine, that would teach you that whining is a good way to get what you want. That's not true.

To keep interaction calm, say, "I'm feeling angry. Maybe you're angry too. What should we do to calm down?" Or, "I've had a tough day, and it seems you're having a tough time too." Or, "I want to be sure you feel loved, even though I'm going to talk to you about what you did."

Communicate with grace. Kids who hear Scripture used primarily to correct misbehavior may develop distaste for it. Speak about wisdom and joy of obedience. Show that conviction from God's Word is helpful, not shameful.

Proactively share a positive (do) that counteracts a negative (don't).

Becoming a Calmer Parent
Instead of fast, large, loud, aim for slow, low, listen.
Slow: buy time to de-escalate. Ways: step back; walk slowly; tell child you're going to another room to calm down; speak slowly.
Low: keep energy low and calm, and posture non-intimidating. Ways: sit beside child; put hands behind back; breathe deeply.
Listen. Give kids space to talk first. Ask gentle questions such as "What's happening here? How can we solve it?" Remind yourself that you love child. Walk in child's shoes; ask yourself, "What are they feeling? What do they need?" Ask God for guidance.

When you lose temper, ask child for a do-over.

Renewing My Mind for Parenting
For your "no" to be respected, you need a sound rationale. Sometimes you require immediate obedience without explanation, and obedience is more likely if you've proved respectful and trustworthy.

You don't have a right to peace, quiet, obedience, etc. Thinking so triggers your overreaction. You can't control how clean the house is, but you can control your attitude when you enter it.

Get-it-right demands don't inspire growth. Compassion does.

2. "You Are Loved, No Matter What"
Misbehavior: Golden Opportunity for Unconditional Love
Biggest deposits in emotional "bank account" occur when kids misbehave. That's when you convince child you'll love them despite what they do.

How to judge your discipline:
If a camera recorded you disciplining, and child's peers watched video on mute, what would they say it's like to be child being disciplined?
What messages do your facial expressions and body language send?

Showing unconditional love doesn't reinforce negative behavior.

When child gets bad grades, say, "Doing well in school is important. But what's more important is that I love you, and your grades can't change that."

Parents should patiently, gently correct (Gal 5:1).

Whining can be how child copes with anxiety. Ask, "Are you scared that …?" Address underlying anxiety instead of tone. Say, "I can see you're really upset. That's hard, isn't it?"

Putting Love-No-Matter-What Into Action
How to convey unconditional love:
Put "I love you" into words.
Give gentle touch.
Demonstrate empathy.
Truly listen; repeat what you hear.
Show love with face.

Ensure bodily expressions match your loving words.

3. "You Are Called and Capable"
Finding and Building Strengths, Even in Misbehavior
Find and strengthen what's right instead of instantly punishing wrong.

Use questions and choices to guide kids to resolve disputes: "Do you want to solve this respectfully now, or do you need to calm down first? How much help do you need?" This tells them they're capable instead of a problem.

Be like Jesus: watchful, prayerful, dependent on God, discerning what's really going on with child.

Be with child, encouraging obedience, not against them, leveraging authority.

Heb 12:10 tells us to discipline for child's good, not for our relief or desire for control.

Discovering Diamonds in the Rough
Don't threaten child to clean up. Instead, ask child to come by you while you pick up and take away toys as consequence for not cleaning up.

Respond to bad behavior with, "I appreciate your [skill], but how you're using that gift right now isn't helpful." This helps kids calm down because it's encouraging rather than criticizing.

Building the Wisdom Kids Need
Options offered with intimidation or coercion usually feel like snares. Instead, calm down, briefly connect with child, and offer 2 reasonable and desirable choices.

Obedience should be a natural decision flowing from love and trust, not control.

Problem-Solving and Skill-Building
Next time you want to say no to child, teach them the yes, and help them value the why (Eph 4:28-29).

4. "You Are Responsible for your Actions"
The Goal of Biblical Discipline: Restoring Hearts
Have child use gift that was behind misbehavior to make it right. This also helps child learn to use gift in positive ways.

Help child practice the right response (do-over).

Reaping and Sowing: Natural Impacts
Explain natural impacts without lecturing.

Ask questions to help kids discover natural impacts.

Teaching about natural impacts helps kids learn judgment, conscience, and internal motivation to correct poor choices.

Appendix: Wisdom for Specific Challenges
Peaceful Daily Routines
3 goals of bedtime: calm child's body, calm child's spirit, avoid rewarding attention-getting and manipulation.

If child gets out of bed, say, "I can help you get back in" in a relaxed, gentle way to avoid a power struggle.

Growing True Respect and Reconciliation
Whining
When kids whine, don't whine back. Make a solid connection (instead of barking an order). State a clear consequence. Add a couple choices. Walk away if necessary to avoid a power struggle.

Tantrums
Peacefully don't respond to tantrums so child can self-calm. Or use simple sentences to describe what you think they want, so they feel understood.

Taking away object or privilege that sparked tantrum makes it worse. Give consequences with encouragement ("It's really hard to turn off the iPad, so it will take a break. When you turn off the TV quickly for a few days, I'll know you're ready to try again with the iPad.").

Defiance
De-escalate defiance with active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, behavior change. The more understood the child feels, the safer they'll feel to let go of defiance.

Use if/then choices to empower kids for responsibility ("If you put the toys away before dinner, then you can have them tomorrow, which would be really fun. Otherwise we'll put them away for you, and you can have them again on Saturday, and I'm sure you can find other things to play with. You can choose either way."

Lying
Highly value truth-telling and treat lying with grace.

When you know child is tempted to lie, set them up to tell truth. Instead of "Did you brush teeth?" say, "Let's check your toothbrush. Do you think it's wet or dry?"

Any time you hear truth, say, "You're telling the truth, aren't you! Feels good, doesn't it?"

Disrespect
When you angrily boss child around, they learn anger equals power.

Calm first, communicate second.

Stay respectful and lead with grace.

Sibling Conflict
Instead of entering family conflict yelling and punishing, proclaim, "We are going to have a safe and loving home!" Say, "What you're doing right now is not safe and loving. Take a break until you're ready to resolve it that way."

Say, "This is really hard, isn't it? I remember fighting with my brother." Sit between kids, with arm around each, to convey acceptance and encouragement.

Peace Process
Build conflict-resolving capability in kids.
1. Calm down. Reflect and regroup (not a timed punishment).
2. Understand each other. Help children identify and express feelings and listen to and understand each other.
3. Find good solution.
4. Celebrate success.

Support hurt child to confront offender to sincerely repent.

[Darcy Schock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Discipline That Connects with your Child’s Heart by Jim and Lynne Jackson

I have read a lot of parenting books that tell me to get to the heart of the matter. I know this. But I’ve struggled to fully grasp it. This book, for me, has been one of the most well rounded, easy to understand ways I’ve ever come across. It focuses on four principles: You are safe with me, you are loved no matter what, you are called and capable, and you are responsible. Sometimes when I read non fiction books like this, by the end I’ve picked up so many things I should be doing and I feel crushed under its burden. But this, this books feels like breath. It feels like release and rest. Yes, it gives us tips and guidance, but it also gives us a chance to breathe instead of packing on burdens.

This is a book I purchased after reading the library book. There is so much to unpack and reference, this is not a one and done read.

At the end of the book is an appendix of issue specific topics, and how you can apply the principles in this book to those common issues.

[Michelle Weston · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best parenting book I’ve read in a long time. Practical, real & down to earth advice. Combines Biblical principles with the psychological, emotional, and developmental disciplines in a seamless way. Easily implemented. All with real life examples and statements to use in every day and all situations. And useful for ALL ages: toddler through the teen years. Focuses on raising well-rounded, kind, loving, forgiving, emotionally-stable, & restorative ADULTS. Will be referencing this book for years to come.

[Rachel L. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands down my favorite parenting book so far. Very practical and a great resource for those who aren’t comfortable with more authoritarian styles but still want to train their kids. Focuses on relationship, being on their team, modeling good behavior. Emphasizes training in wisdom and good decision-making, equipping them for responsible adulthood. I’m sure I will use this as a resource over and over.

[Jesse Mueller · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audio book and will be purchasing a hardcopy to refer back to for the next 20 years! Fantastic parenting book that changed my whole perspective. If you're a parent, you'll want to read this book.

[Abigail Westbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely one of the best parenting books I’ve read! The examples are realistic and the help given is specific and practical. My husband and I read it together and it gave us a lot of good discussion starters. Would recommend to all parents, and really to anyone who works with kids.

[Kelly Needham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super practical! Great read and helped us implement many new parenting strategies that are being more peace to our home.

[Jaclyn Nguyen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read multiple parenting books in the last couple years and this one resonated with me the most.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've loved listening to the Jacksons on various podcasts, so I was excited to check out their parenting book. I love their philosophy and how practical and relevant it is while still being totally Scripture-based. I appreciate their honesty with their own failings and struggles, which was such an encouragement to me in my own journey as a parent. I also felt like they match my own parenting style and implementing their suggestions felt natural and not like I was parroting a script (and I've seen some great heart changes in myself and my kids thanks to changes I've made). This is my new favorite parenting book and I know I'll be referencing it a lot in the future.

[Natalie Fetzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this parenting book. It approaches discipline from a place of growth and grace for both parents and children. The Jacksons take the parental, nurturing nature of God as a model for the philosophy behind their methods. The book is also practical without being prescriptive.

Highly recommend.

[Laura (Book Scrounger) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve pretty much avoided reading parenting books up to this point (aside from a couple baby books), which was only partially intentional. Partly because nothing’s jumped out at me or been handed to me, but there is also a part of me that is wary of trying to fix something when I’m not yet sure which areas it’s broken in. Or rather (since we’re all broken) to try to press myself into a formula or “philosophy” or model of thinking without first discovering what exactly I most need help with.

But obviously (after four years) the time has come, because this book title jumped out at me — discipline methods is something I’ve been wrestling with lately. I’m sure I’m not alone in that… I don’t know many parents who actually enjoy this part! So often I find myself taking an authoritarian approach just out of instinct. I resort so quickly to threats, and “If you don’t ______, then ______” statements, because it’s what I know. So that’s where I (and many others) approached this from, and I think with a foundation like that, this can be a very helpful book.

The authors are both Christian therapists, and it sounds like they’ve had quite a lot of experience, not just with their own children and church, but working with many other families around the country. They sound like a very down-to-earth couple, the kind of people any parent would love to have coffee and chat with.

They acknowledge the inherent difficulties of discipline, but also encourage us to see it as an opportunity because, as mentioned on page 27, “Discipline puts to the test what we most deeply believe. Is Christ’s love longer, wider, higher, and deeper than our children’s (and our) misbehavior? Is God’s mercy present in our ugly conflicts, ultimately drawing our hearts back together — and to Him?”

They present four basic “Discipline That Connects” principles that are arranged like a pyramid, which represent four ideas that we should be aiming to communicate to our children when we discipline them:

First (and the foundation) is “You are safe with me.” This encourages us to face our own fears, histories, and hang-ups as parents, and make sure we are showing our children that we are for them and not against them. Sometimes our discipline is based more on how the child’s misbehavior makes us look rather than what it will do for them.

I loved one of the visuals in this chapter, of a parent approaching conflict as a quarterback taking a snap. They know they have to move the ball forward, but in order to do that they have to take a step back to survey the field and find the best way to go. This is an analogy about how charging into discipline angry doesn’t usually work, and much more forward progress is made when the parent first takes a step back.

Next is “You are loved no matter what.” Bad behavior is often so filled with shame because children know they’ve done wrong and are often waiting for the other shoe to drop. Discipline is one of the times children need love the most, but it can be one of the hardest times to show it.

Next is “You are called and capable.” This emphasizes each child’s unique status as an image-bearer of God and affirms the gifts that he has given them. It means believing in kids, that they can do the right thing, rather than just simply punishing the wrong. One of the sections I found most interesting is when they discuss “gifts gone awry.” I think it’s another way of telling us to look for the best — that even in the messiest and most aggravating situations, our children have gifts that God has given them — they are just using them for the wrong purposes and in the wrong ways. One job of a parent is to recognize this and help them to channel that gift from hurting others and themselves to serving others and honoring God — rather than just building shame over misbehavior.

Last is “You are responsible for your actions.” This encourages children to own their mistakes and, when possible, make restitution. This includes lots of parental guidance, but to the point where children are eventually able to solve their own disagreements with only minimal help from a parent. They emphasize that this takes a LOT of work, and may often seem like it’s getting nowhere, but that the effort is worth it in the long run.

I appreciated the emphasis throughout the book on the big picture. Discipline is often such a snap judgment that we’re looking only to stop a certain behavior or restore order, or something like that, and lose sight of the ultimate goal. So by developing a clearer picture of what we’re hoping to actually accomplish and communicate, beforehand, we are more likely to move in that direction when the pressure is on.

There are several chapters on each of the main points, and at the end are a few appendices that deal with specific advice on how to apply these principles to real-life situations — daily routines, whining, tantrums, lying, sass, and a host of other common behavioral problems. That was very helpful.

Theology: It’s interesting how some topics can be approached from such different ways and still use scripture to support the view. Like I said, coming at this from an emphasis on authoritarianism, parenting philosophies (whether actually articulated or simply assumed) tended to put a lot of focus on authority and power. Theologically, these views would emphasize sin, and often use God/man analogies alongside parent/child ones, in which parents are encouraged to hold constant authority, take no crap, and even break a child’s will. It is often portrayed as a battle of wills in which a parent must come out “the winner.” It makes me realize how much our view of God influences our parenting style, and perhaps vice versa as well.

This book is definitely focused on promoting a “connected” view rather than necessarily coming out against a more authoritarian approach, but does find opportunity to contrast and gently question some of these views and their possible results, which I found useful, even if I wasn’t 100% convinced (which may be just as much due to my inexperience as anything else).

Ultimately, I think this book’s specific scriptural basis makes sense for the approach it is advocating. There is a focus on grace, repentance, and reconciliation, but not an inordinate emphasis on authority and power. There are scriptural examples of God and Jesus dealing gently and compassionately with those they are teaching, and a belief that this is the aspect of Christ’s ministry that we are most called to emulate, and that this calling should absolutely extend to our treatment of our children.

Like I indicated earlier, I think some of the theological approaches may have other sides to them that are both valuable. I found times when some of the example conversations in the book sounded a bit too much like “therapist-speak,” but they’re just examples, not scripts. One thing I would have appreciated is a little more detail on the concept of a “do-over,” as well as a way to emphasize to children that while “do-overs” can be useful ways to practice respectful communication, we won’t always get do-overs in the real world. And even if we do, harsh words still hurt. They can’t be taken back. I feel maybe a bit more balance is needed there.

Overall I appreciated this book’s approach and copious examples very much. Even though there is a four-part “philosophy” of sorts, it is not presented like a formula, and the authors are quick to emphasize that the actual application will look different for different families, and that we should take what works best for us. I appreciate Jim & Lynne’s willingness to be upfront about their own failings and missteps, and to model redemption and grace in their determination to choose to do the right thing in spite of the cost and difficulty involved.

Because that’s one of the scary parts about choosing “connectedness” over simple behavior modification, is that you know you’re going to fail, and it all seems overwhelming at first. It’s a whole lot easier to just give a child a time out or send them to their room and call it good. But if it’s true that this is a picture of how Jesus reached out to us, then I appreciate the encouragement to move in that direction.

Disclosure: I received this book free from Baker Books through the Baker Books Bloggers www.bakerbooks.com/bakerbooksbloggers program. The opinions I have expressed are my own, and I was not required to write a positive review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/wa….

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

In Discipline That Connects With Your Child's Heart, Jim and Lynne Jackson lay out a plan for raising and disciplining children, illustrated by a pyramid. First, parents must assure children of the message, "You are safe with me." Second, they connect with their children, letting them know, "You are loved no matter what." Third, they coach them, teaching them, "You are called and capable," and finally, they correct when needed, teaching them, "You are responsible for your actions." The book emphasizes the need to connect with the child's heart, empathize with them, and teach them how to think through situations, rather than simply controlling the behavior. There are some great lessons here, as well as examples of how to handle parenting situations that might arise.

However, there are a couple issues I see with this book. While I agree with the authors that it is important to create a safe, loving relationship with our children and that we should not only address misbehavior, but connect to their hearts, the authors seem to err on the side of leniency when it comes to addressing children's disobedience and disrespect. In the chapter "Understanding Why My Child Is Misbehaving," the authors address sin as something that "complicates things," before going into other factors that contribute to misbehavior. From a biblical standpoint, that is quite an understatement. As parents, we need to discipline with loving concern for our children in light of an understanding of the deep imprint of sin on each of our lives and its consequences. Children need to learn not only to behave because behaving is best for them and others, but they also need to learn to do so because it is the right thing to do and is pleasing to God, and this is something I think is underemphasized, if expressed at all.

The other complaint I have is more trivial, and that is the writing style. The Jacksons switch from writing as "we" to "I (Lynne)" to "I (Jim)" without a smooth transition, which sometimes feels awkward, and some parts of the book, especially the examples from parents from their workshop classes, read like they are patting themselves on the back or advertising their discipline workshops right there in the middle of their book. I don't think that is the intention, but it comes across that way at times.

Despite these issues, I still enjoyed the book and gained insight from it. Section One ("You Are Safe With Me") addressed the importance of parents making sure they are calm, not reactive or emotional when responding to their children, and that they are not putting their own baggage on them or relying on their children to make them feel sufficient. Section Two ("You Are Loved No Matter What") focused on connecting with children and being sympathetic, even when they misbehave. Section Three ("You Are Called and Capable") showed that misbehavior often reveals a strength or gift used wrongly and encouraged parents to find those gifts and encourage their children in those gifts, helping to redirect them. It also focused on giving kids choices and helping them learn how to manage their own problems and responses. Section Four ("You Are Responsible For Your Actions") suggests different ways of correction to help children learn responsibility. While the book does seem lacking in some ways, it may also be a valuable resource in helping parents learn to connect with their children.

[Rhonda · Rating 4 out of 5]

It would definitely have been useful if this had been available when I was raising my three daughters, but I wanted to read it to be a better grandparent to the precious little ones God has blessed me with. I feel that I can also be a resource to my stressed out daughters and stepchildren as they seek to raise their children with Christian principles. The authors use scripture references to support the principles they address. They encourage an approach to parenting that is sure to reach the soul of their children and be a balm to innocent little ones entrusted to their care by God. Listening with love is a large part of the discipline plan they present in the pages of this book. I would recommend this book to parents, grandparents, and those foster parents and others who are raising children. I did feel that some of the book's discipline techniques could have been explained with fewer words. Stressed out parents do not have much free time for reading.
I give this book a 4 star rating. I felt some principles could have been discussed in a shorty manner.
I received a copy of this book from netgalley and Bethany House Publishers.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have three kids. My oldest child responded well to me when I took a stern tone, and generally does a good job following instructions. My second child did not respond well to a harsh tone, and I felt like my communication/disciplinary style was hurting our relationship. There were walls up between us. I know this book will help me with all three of my kids, but desiring a closer relationship with my second child was my primary motivation for reading this book.

This parenting book lays out a four step strategy:

1. Build a foundation by becoming a safe place for your child.
2. Connect with them by letting them know that they are loved no matter what.
3. Coach them by helping them discover what they are called to and what they are capable of.
4. With that groundwork laid, you are finally able to successfully correct your children by teaching them that they are responsible for their actions.

There is also an appendix included which gives instructions for how to deal with common parenting experiences using the "Discipline that Connects" strategy.

[Ada Tarcau · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book was of real help to me, especially the insights from the “I am safe with you” chapters and how they work thorugh examples in the appendics - of real use in reviewing and exemplyfing the information, giving practical tools and perspectives. I found the middle-last part (mostly the actual discipline) useful to know and probably of great help when dealing with most types of children or at least above a certain age, but also i though it was insufficient/not working in case of extremely intensive trantrum-throwing little kids that block any attempt of connection on the part of the parent (ex. Hitting/bitting the parent who’s trying to hug them while they throw their explosive fit) or in case of unreasonable, inflexible strong-willed children with “deaf” ears / without enough attention/availability to be even slightly interested or catch at least a fraction of what you’re trying to tell/teach them, let alone get the point and act on it... (which feels like is one of the main shortcomings of positive discipline...).
That being said, the insights are so valuable, I really like how they keep focusing your parenting perspective on building capability and responsability in your children, getting to the roots of the misbehaviour and teaching you to give tools to your children, thus making them part of the discipline process and guiding them towards ownership of their life and real heartchange. And of course, making sure you are yourself a model for your child, a safe and loving parent that they want to connect with and one that they truly respect.
One of the best books out there on delivering a christian version of up-to-date pyschology parenting. A must-read

[Bethany Feustel · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Jacksons have done what I believe few others have. (And I’ve read several popular Christian parenting books since becoming a mom 3 years ago) They’ve paired a theology of parenting, with practical tips and scenarios. By reading other authors I’ve been given the large concepts of how to think about parenting in light of the gospel of Jesus Christ. But this was the first book to actually help me think and consider action steps I can take to be like Christ when my 2 year old responds to me by screaming no, throwing a toy and running in the opposite direction. I listened on audio, but I’ll be ordering a hard copy and it will likely have a prominent place on my bookshelf and acquire many dog eared pages.

[MaryEllen Bream · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you desire to guide your child's heart and not just their behavior, I highly recommend this book. I love the emphasis on the foundational element of felt safety for the child and how each concept then builds on that. We may know we are safe parents, but are we in tune with whether our child feels that safety? Without that foundation, we are only training our children into compliance - the goal for them to do right from their own heart will never be met.
I also like how the book doesn't come across as a how-to manual, yet there are many opportunities throughout for parents to stop and consider their child's unique challenges and methodically think through how to address them according to the principles the book shares.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

This. This is the parenting book I’ve been looking for. I’ve read the more authoritarian Christian authors and the child-psychology writers that don’t take faith into account much at all, and they both have left me wanting. This book has the psychology and the thoughtfulness of a respectful and reasonable approach to parenting your kids AND also how to do it with the goal of leading your kids toward Christ. There are lots of examples of what to do and not to do, and a LOT of reference material in the appendices. It might not be needed for every parent, but I appreciate the overabundance of ideas and information.

[Stefanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The beginning of this book was a bit slow going for me, reiterating ideas I am very familiar with but it really started picking up pace for me in the 2nd and 3rd sections. I appreciated the focus on bringing out your kids giftings, parenting with a plan in mind, and using consequences with very specific goals in mind and not as our go to parenting skill. The appendix looks particularly helpful for the parent new to connected parenting as a sort of encyclopedia where you can look up a behavior issue and find a connected way of navigating it.

[Brian C · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most beautiful parenting book I’ve ever read. Full of true humility and grace. Teach our kids the value and beauty of reconciliation rather than the pain of judgement? Why does this seem so radical? It has challenged me to see the stumbling block within the dominant narrative of American Christian parenting of immediate obedience and immediate consequences. I have been truly blessed by these parenting principles straight from the overarching narrative of Scripture - “His kindness leads us to repentance.”

[Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book! Really challenging on many fronts of how to do parenting and raising kids in a God honoring way. I loved their constant real life examples and experiences from their family. Very helpful to hear how they’ve integrated what they are teaching into their parenting. It will take time and practice to do some of these parenting strategies, but I know I and our kids will all be better for it. If you are a parent or soon to be parent, I highly recommend reading this book. You won’t regret it.