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278 pages, Hardcover
First published April 18, 1978
“There was an underpinning to everything in our lives that affected the entire variety of daily decision, reference, observation, everything! No one who didn’t live through it can understand what it was like or why it was so hard to give up. People now long for community, they’re dying for lack of it. Community can’t be legislated. It’s an organic sense of things that comes up out of the social earth. It’s a commonly shared ideal. That’s what it is. Nothing else will ever create community. And we had it. We had it in every conscious as well as unconscious response to ourselves, to each other, to the world we were living in, and the world we were making. (…) It wasn’t just good wine in our veins, that life, it was ambrosia.”
"And even I, the only time I would have dared, if I could, hate the Party was when my father gave two dollars to the Party that meant the difference between beans and chicken for us.
"But that was it. The Party came first. Always. And because it did come first we often forgot how poor we were. That was another thing I used to think about a lot. Imagine being as poor as we were, and not having the Party. Imagine being that poor with nothing to explain your poverty to you, nothing to give it some meaning, to help you get through the days and years because you could believe that it wouldn't always be this way.
"That's what our politics was to us. It literally negated our deprivation. It was rich, warm, energetic, an exciting thickness in which our lives were wrapped. It nourished us when nothing else nourished us. It not only kept us alive, it made us powerful inside ourselves."
"I knew [organizing] among the fruit pickers in the Thirties, nothing else has ever made me feel as alive, as coherent. It was for that, for the memory of that time, that I hung on. For that I lived with the narrowness and the stupidity of the Party. For that I fought. It's what socialism was all about for me. The great sweep of Marxist revolution had that image-memory of the Thirties woven into its fabric; that fabric wrapped itself around the dailiness of political life, Party life; when the twists and turns of that daily life grew confusing you pulled that fabric closer around you, felt its warmth coursing through you, and you said to yourself: 'This is what I am."
For thousands of Communists, being a Communist remained as nourishing an experience as becoming a Communist had been. For thousands of others, it became a bitterness of vision evaporating into dogma: the growing self disintegrating into the stifled self. The former experienced the wholeness of the CP world as a transcendent source of personal integration, the latter experienced that same wholeness as a mental prison within which their own development languished, arrested.
What was true for all of them was that being a Communist defined them in a way that is almost impossible to understand today. It was the overriding element of identity, the one which subsumed all others.
Dave Abetta still considers himself a socialist, still believes that socialism must ultimately replace bourgeois capitalism in the civlized countries of the world [wait, which aren't 'civilized'?], still believes that his years in and around the CP were the very best years of his working life. "To work 1n context," he says, "is without doubt the most satisfying and effective way to work. For me, the CP was an irreplaceable context. Every case I fought, every brief I wrote, every legal decision I took part in was enlarged by the structure within which I worked. That structure made me think better, act more deliberately, see further than I would have otherwise."
"You see, the work was all. Nothing else in my life made a dent in me. The work and the CP. Only that. My friends fell by the wayside, my family fell by the wayside, music, books, the whole variety of human pleasures, human exchanges outside of politics, all went.
"I lost the ability to develop personal relations. I don't know how anymore. My family never forgave me. My children are strangers to me. Polite strangers. But strangers nonetheless. There s a coldness between me and my wife that will never thaw, I think. How could it? All those years I shunted her aside, or patted her on the head, or locked myself up in my office for days on end. . . ."
"So it was with me and the Communist Party. And so it is to this day. Through all the worst years in the Party I felt—as I do today—'This is a mighty beast we have got hold of, this idea of socialism. It has brought to the surface elemental pain and need. It has got hold of us now but if we hang on and ride the beast we will have hold of it, and then a new day will dawn.' The Party at its worst, Stalinism, state socialism, the lot, was the beast thrashing about. Chekhov had said we must squeeze the slave out of ourselves drop by drop. That idea speaks to a process of civilized patience, an order of highly controlling intelligence. But fifty years of Communism in the real world have taught us that human transformation does not come about in this manner. The first impulse of the powerless upon seizing power is not generous it is murderous. The slave aroused is at first a beast, Plato's tan coming out of the cave blind, awareness exploding in terror ad fury, But in time, in time. . ."