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295 pages, Hardcover
First published October 11, 2016
But now it’s been so long that if I bring it up, I’ll look like a girl who can’t let go of things. Teenage girls always have to let go of things. If we bring up anything, people say we’re bitches who can’t just drop it.
Now it's been so long that if I bring it up, I'll look like a girl who can't let go of things. Teenage girls always have to let go of things. If we bring up anything, people say we're bitches who can't just drop it.
I don't know why I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm scared to make my mother angry. My emotions are smaller than they should be. I'm the one who should be angry, but I'm cranky or upset. As if a sixteen-year-old can't be angry for real.
Hitting a person is the same as screaming at a person, is the same as head hands and traps and bait and all that hard-to-define emotional abuse. This is why I never said anything about Miss Smith. It's why I never took my headpiece seriously. It's sneaky. It hides under other words and other actions. That's all abuse ever is. That sliver of tissue is power.

"In eight days of riding around, that's what I've discovered. It's raining bullshit. Probably all the time."

"But now it’s been so long that if I bring it up, I’ll look like a girl who can’t let go of things. Teenage girls always have to let go of things. If we bring up anything, people say we’re bitches who can’t just drop it."



Here’s what I think. I think we’re really smart when we’re young. Ten-year-old Sarah is smarter than I am because I��m six years older. Twenty-three-year-old Sarah is dumber than me because I’m sixteen. Someone somewhere was way older and richer and dumber than all of us and paid forty-five million dollars for a bunch of dots. I think this kind of smart isn’t something they can measure with tests. I think it’s like being psychic or being holy. If I could be anyone for the rest of my life, I would be a little kid. (Sarah)
The older people get, the less they can do about things. They seem to be stuck. They seem to be glue. (Sarah)
But now it’s been so long that if I bring it up, I’ll look like a girl who can’t let go of things. Teenage girls always have to let go of things. If we bring up anything, people say we’re bitches who can’t just drop it. (Sarah)
Here’s why I like making things. I like making things because when I was born, everything I was born into was already made for me. Art let me surround myself with something different. Something new. Something real. Something that was mine. I don’t know if this means I could also be a competent architect. Or a car mechanic. Or a carpenter. I just like constructing new things that are real. I believe this is a side effect of growing from seed in soil made of lies. I believe this is a side effect of being born into ruins—this need for construction. (Sarah)
You can't change people with love. It doesn't work that way. (Helen)
I know you wanted to let it go. I did, too, when I was you. But some things you just can't paint over.
It’s hard to believe that some people can be so cruel to other people. But then, it’s not. I work here. I see things. I know things.
And then I look in the mirror and there I am.
Pretending. Always pretending.