Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade: The 5 Love Languages and the Alzheimer's Journey

The 5 Love Languages

by Gary Chapman, Deborah Barr, Edward G. Shaw

Across America and around the world, the five love languages have revitalized relationships and saved marriages from the brink of disaster. Can they also help individuals, couples, and families cope with the devastating diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease (AD)? Coauthors Chapman, Shaw, and Barr give a resounding yes. Their innovative application of the five love languages creates an entirely new way to touch the lives of the five million Americans who have Alzheimer’s, as well as their fifteen million caregivers. At its heart, this book is about how love gently lifts a corner of dementia’s dark curtain to cultivate an emotional connection amid memory loss. This collaborative, groundbreaking work between a healthcare professional, caregiver, and relationship expert will: Provide an overview of the love languages and Alzheimer’s disease, correlate the love languages with the developments of the stages of AD, discuss how both the caregiver and care receiver can apply the love languages, address the challenges and stresses of the caregiver journey, offer personal stories and case studies about maintaining emotional intimacy amidst AD. Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade is heartfelt and easy to apply, providing gentle, focused help for those feeling overwhelmed by the relational toll of Alzheimer’s. Its principles have already helped hundreds of families, and it can help yours, too.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Faith, Counselling, Mental Health

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2016

About the author

Gary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.

Reviews

[Petra · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I don't know anyone with Alzheimer's, this book caught my eye and I'm glad it did.
Never having heard of The 5 Love Languages, the concept of this book unfolded for me as I read. It's a wonderful method of treating everyone with respect, dignity and love.
This book focusses on people with dementias and applying the concepts of giving love and dignity to a person who cannot acknowledge or return the gesture in any way. However, what is felt, on both sides, is peace and contentment.
The stories in this book are heartwarming and the changes that occurred in the relationships of these couples were amazingly touching. It shows how love can transcend even something as devastating as dementia.
These concepts can be used towards anyone at anytime, especially people who have trouble communicating at times.
One key concept throughout this book that I will try to keep in mind and actively remember is the idea that while a person may not remember or notice the kindness or attention you give them they will feel happier and more peaceful going forward.

[Sue Online · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know anyone with Alzheimer's Disease (AD), nor anyone with dementia. But this is one of the best books I have ever read (listened to) and suggest it to anyone who loves or has to put up with an uncommunicative person.

I was browsing a list of recommended books at the library - since it was online and mindless link-clicking I have no idea how I got to that list or what the filters were - and this was knee of many books recommended. I didn't know the 5 love languages (although I think I have the book somewhere). So despite having no reason to listen to the audio book and deciding there would be little benefit, I borrowed it anyway. And finished it in about a day. But what I learned, can be used from this day forward.

Based on the 5 love languages (go look that up yourself if you don't know them), this book explains in very practical terms, how to love someone who may not be able to express their love of you (or who flat out may not even know who you are, never mind love you). It's also very clear that love is often a verb, not a noun, when it comes to someone with dementia. An selfless act of love, such as giving a chocolate and never hearing "thank you", is raised up almost to the status of angelic divinity. People with AD may be nonverbal or non-responsive, or suffering from hallucinations and perhaps don't appreciate the gift.

But actually there are a lot of people who don't verbalize their love, who don't respond to your acts of love in a way you might expect, whether a partner, friend or family member.

And, frankly, the book can also provide insight into people's responses when you have any scary disease. More than once I sat there thinking, "so that might be the reason so-and-so never sent me a great well card", or "is that why so-and-so didn't say thank you when I did all that cooking?"

In fact, if your family is messed up enough, this book might just hold a while lot of ah-ha moments and, even better, a whole lot of practical strategies for staying healthier and less stressed when trying to show love to someone who may not have the capacity to understand love.

One of the key takeaways which I think is applicable to everyday life, is that someone may not remember your act of love, be it words or actions, but they will be happier afterwards, regardless.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 ⭐️.
I enjoyed reading this informative "up to date" book about Alzheimer's disease and the changes that take place and the role "love language" can play.

Keeping Love Alive As Memories Fade looks at couples and families faced with Alzheimer's disease and other forms of dementia such as Frontotemporal dementia, Lewy body dementia, Parkinson's disease dementia and Vascular dementia.

This book describes the "five love languages" - words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch and describes how care partners used pertinent "love languages" to keep love alive in their relationship with someone with dementia.

At the end there are Postscripts from the Authors, Appendix A - 40 Ways to say "I Love You " in Middle- and Late-Stage Dementia, Appendix B - For Those Who Want to Know More, Appendix C - Suggested Resources and Notes.

I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in Alzheimer's disease and dementia. It has valuable information for care givers, care partners and family and friends of someone with any type of dementia.

Thanks to NetGalley and Moody Publishers for an ARC of this title in exchange for an honest review.

[Jeanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The word for love in the context of God's love means this-The loyal, merciful, intentional love that intervenes on behalf of loved ones and comes to their rescue. In antiquity, this Hebrew word was used to describe the love of God Himself for humanity. There has never been a higher love than the hesed of God, and it is His love, that empowers the many caretakers who make a commitment to love and cherish their loved ones with Alzheimer's.


Loved this book. If you have not read the The Heart of the 5 Love Languages you may want to pick that up before you read this. The 5 love languages describes and helps you determine which are yours and which are your spouses that will enable you to fill their tank up and in doing so will help your spouse to love you more meaningful. It is a great tool to know your spouse more deeply and yourself as well. However, with Alzheimer's the person you once knew, is not the same person and this book is a great tool to love that person well even when your spouse is not able to respond to your love. It reminds you of what love really is.

The book goes over what Alzheimer's is and the early detections of the disease. It shares stories of those that have lived it and are living it. What worked for them and how they were able to cope. This book is a light for a very dark time in marriages. I highly recommend it.

A Special Thank you to Moody Publishing and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.

[Donna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read as part of a care-givers book club/ support group. It was an interesting perspective on caring for a loved one with Alzheimers, but there were two things that made it of less value to me personally:
1- The histories and case studies which this text is based upon mostly involve care-givers who are taking care of a spouse who is suffering with early to mid stage Alzheimers, while I am the child of an afflicted mother in mid to late stage. This made much of the content inapplicable to my situation.
2- I thought the book discouraged placing the afflicted in an institutional setting, even when the care-giver was making sacrifices that negatively impacted their physical and emotional well-being.
I admire those who choose to care for a loved one at home, but don’t feel that the choice to place a loved one in an assisted living memory care facility reflects a lack of caring. A seemingly selfish decision can also be a difficult one, and one that is also in the best interest of all involved.
As a society, I feel that we need to develop care models that protect both those suffering with dementia as well as their loved ones. Neither a fully at home or institutional model really works through all stages of the disease given the resources available.

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the most encouraging book on dementia I’ve read so far. I’ve set others aside because I was left with a sense of hopelessness. I’m so glad I found a book with authors who are honest about the disease, yet gentle in their approach. They don’t sugarcoat reality - this is terrible and everyone involved will suffer, there’s no getting around that - but in showing love in practical ways, no matter the stage of disease or state of the loved one, a connection can be maintained. Care partners will benefit from applying this perspective to their dementia journey. It will lift you up and provide the encouragement you need to keep showing love and showing up for your loved one.

[Michele Acker · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have interest in caregiving for those affected by Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia it’s a great introductory read into maintaining love and respect using the 5 love languages Chapman’s other books promote. Gives practical tips at a basic level for dealing with the progression in a compassionate way.

[Katrina Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Find my review at LenaMayBooks

Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade takes the phenomenon that struck the world, The Five Love Languages, and merges it with The Alzheimer’s journey. Author and creator of the The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman, teams up with Edward G. Shaw and Debbie Barr to create a book for anyone affected by Alzheimer’s and dementia. Together this team of a healthcare provider, a relationship expert and a caregiver will bring you into the world of this disease and show you how love can make a huge difference in the person with Alzheimer’s and their loved one’s lives.

My nana is one of five siblings and falls right into the middle of them, age wise. Her oldest sister has advanced Alzheimer’s, at age 87 and I saw her for the first time in eight years this past weekend. The next oldest sister is the healthiest 86-year-old I’ve ever seen in my life. She’s still traveling the world and running a resort with three cabins. My nana, at age 85, is one of the healthiest people I’ve ever met. She was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia. The next sibling is their brother and at age 84, he’s the healthiest of them all. Finally, the youngest sister, who is now 82, seems to be doing just fine.

There is no rhyme or reason to Alzheimer’s disease; it affects millions of people worldwide. Spending time with my family this past weekend really put things into perspective for me. I had a basic idea of what to expect with my nana’s diagnosis, but I was ill prepared to see how far her sister had progressed within the confines of the disease. It shook my whole world apart, to witness where my nana is inevitably headed.

Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade came to me at the perfect time. This book is filled with advice that I believe will alter the path of my interactions with my nana. It showed me how to love through the disease, how to find out the best course of showing love and affections, as well as gave me insight on how to make the future better. I plan to use this book through the course of our journey; use it as a resource and guide as needed. I’ll promptly be buying a copy for my mother to read, who is the caregiver to both of my grandparents.

If you know anyone who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease or if you are the caregiver or loved one to the affected person, I high suggest picking up this book. I firmly believe this will help you on your journey and show you how to interact with your loved one to make the most of all your time left with each other.

Thank you to netgalley who provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Mandy Peterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

While we are not currently connected to Alzheimer's, I wanted to read this book anyway because I know the 5 Love Languages books are always good quality and have reliable information. I was not disappointed!
Full of medical information and relationship advice, Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade was a startling revelation into a complex condition. I picked out many things I can use with my grandparents, eventually my own parents, and my husband one day. Beautifully written, I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with or curious about Alzheimer's and their loved ones.

[Renee']

A truly needed addition to the Five Love Languages book family. This book guides caregivers through discovering and using the five love languages to better care for people with memory loss. Caring for those with memory loss is difficult at best, and this book sheds light on how to feed people who are no longer responsive in a language they will receive to make their life brighter. A must read for anyone who loves someone with memory loss.

[Cynthia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I stopped reading this book after starting it in 2020 when my mother was in her late stages of dementia. It wasn’t an easy journey and my dad couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that she couldn’t remember things anymore. He was determined to continue caring for her and I helped as much as I was allowed. In the beginning stages she didn’t want me there and I didn’t understand what was going on. If I had continued to read this amazing book, I would have gotten to the story that explained her actions. My mama was never a loving or nurturing mama. She was a strict disciplinarian and she was hard on me, therefore I just thought she didn’t want me around to interfere and be in her way. I learned as time went on that she couldn’t call my name. She had no clue who I was and was threatened by my presence with the only person she knew who was still in her life, my dad. My dad called me “baby” because I am his baby, but when I finally realized what she thought, I told him that he needed to stop calling me baby. That seemed to help. I also always took my mama’s hand after that and told her that I was Cynthia. She would cry and hug me and say I didn’t look like Cynthia that I was too big.

In all the years I had my mama after her diagnosis, I was never as close to her as I was the last two years. I wish I had read this entire book when I first got it. It was recommended to me by a friend who lost her husband to dementia. It would have been so very helpful to me. All the stories didn’t apply to my mama’s story, but her story was in there. I think it would have helped me understand more of what my mama needed to live a happier life in her dementia state. She was very aware of her limitations in this state and it bothered her greatly.

If you have a family member, especially a spouse who is going through dementia, you NEED to read this book! You can truly make it easier on yourself and your spouse if you do this and apply the knowledge and suggestions given. You are not alone and there is help for a better ending for your loved one.

[Mary Lou · Rating 5 out of 5]

The progressive decline of cognitive functions deeply grieves all who care for people with dementia/Alzheimer’s. There is loss on so many levels; but in Deborah Barr, Ed Shaw, and Gary Chapman’s new book, Keeping Love Alive As Memories Fade, they make these encouraging statements: “Truly, the deep human need for love does not disappear with a diagnosis of dementia… The impact of the love languages is due, in part, to the amygdala, a brain structure not immediately affected by the disease… Despite their difficulty in connecting thoughts, people with dementia are still able to feel deeply” – Keeping Love Alive As Memories Fade, 2016, p. 42. This research-based truth provides the premise for all the practical suggestions about how to show love to people in various stages of dementia or Alzheimer’s. The love they urge is the Old Testament understanding of hesed (see soundbite). Another must-have book for caregivers.

[Nicole Field · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read, and a more difficult book to review. I often pick up nonfiction reads on various subjects because they interest me and, after reading Still Alice last year, I was eager to follow it up with this.

Still Alice is actually referenced in one of the chapter quotes but, honestly, this book was dry as hell. Whether it was the subject matter or the way it was written, I found this book incredibly difficult. There's no doubt that it was well researched, and much of it was founded on the 5 Love Languages, as the subtitle for the book dictates.

Where it finally lost me was that, right at the end of the book, there was an entire passage just of quotes from a test group who had been part of a study as this book was being written. The writer even comments that much of what they quoted were things they already knew, so I failed to see the point in including this for an entire chapter. It meant that what had already been a dry read ended on a note that was just repetitive.

[G · Rating 3 out of 5]

Honestly at times, I felt that this was the most depressing book I’ve ever read.
It is labeled as a Christian book, but I think there were only a couple sections offering Biblical counsel.
The main idea is that if you are caring for a person with dementia or Alzheimer’s, showing love is all up to you and will become increasingly one-sided. But we must love anyway because they can still benefit from our caring.
The information is good and the authors offer many useful ideas, but I could have also used some encouragement to rely on the Lord, or some advice on being filled with the Holy Spirit for the strength to keep going.

[Janice · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is really amazing, especially if someone you love has dementia. The title is what is of grave importance to us, how to keep love alive in this heart-breaking situation of dementia. Especially helpful are the checklists given to help determine your love language and your loved one's love language, and suggestions on how to adapt to that person. This can really make a profound difference! The 5 love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

[Irina Hayaser · Rating 5 out of 5]

Besides the helpful tips for caregivers, the vivid examples how life with Alzheimer's Disease really is for both the affected person and the caretaker, what makes this book truly special is applying the concept of "hesed" - sacrificial, altruistic and loyal love and kindness - to such situations when one offers love without receiving much or anything back - and how this repeated action is shaping the caregiver's own character.

[Dianne Oliver · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good, if painful, book on the realities of loving a person with dementia. It didn't serve me as well as it could have because it mostly deals with spousal relationships, which is not my situation, but it was a positive and encouraging book, nonetheless. I have also read his other love language books, so this felt like an extension of those concepts. Enjoy the moments and don't withhold the love. That was my own takeaway.

[Alyssa Fabik · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing! I listened to this book as a support member of multiple care partners in this journey. It gave me helpful hint and appreciation of the one loving those thru this journey. Great for anyone who support a person near or far traveling the Alzheimer's and Dementia Journey, also helpful for a care giver of a Down Syndrome.

[Gabriela Pérez De Alba · Rating 3 out of 5]

El libro es bueno pero muy repetitivo. Quizá porque ya había leído “Los cinco lenguajes del amor” para parejas, para niños, etc. Encontré muy valiosos los testimonios y la recomendación continua de otro título “ Cuando el día tiene 36 horas”.
Si lo recomiendo mucho, da consejos prácticos. Me he quedado con varios que puedo aplicar.

[Zsofia · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a carer in aged care, this is a really helpful resource to deal with dementia patients, that I got positive reinforcement from having read it and the realisation that I've already been applying a lot of the things it provided as tips to do so.

I'm proud, pleased and will attempt to keep applying the knowledge from this book and my good intuition.

[Dora · Rating 4 out of 5]

Valuable guide to coping with a spouse or loved one moving though the stages of Alzheimer's Disease, and/or dementia. Shows the love, patience and effort required of caretakers. Instructs that patients do still benefit from love and caring interactions, even when these cannot be reciprocated.

[Dr. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, written in laymen’s terms gives insights and hope for care providers of those living with AD. Great encouragement built around the Hebrew concept of hesed. If you or someone you know is a care provider for someone with dementia this is a must read.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful for reframing and understanding responses to grief, frustration and hopelessness of ambiguous loss. Practical self-help for caregivers inspired by Old Testament “hesed”: loving, loyal, even self-sacrificing kindness.

[Gianna Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is wonderful for understanding how to love someone battling Alzheimer's in various circumstances. The book was clearly intended for a husband/wife relationship, however, it can be extremely valuable for any relationship.

[Deanna L Mang · Rating 3 out of 5]

Living through this twice with my maternal grandmother and now my mom. Better insights for the unknown of the late 90’s to current. It’s just hard to rate a book that only a caregiver understands. Worth the read grow love and compassion

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gary Chapman is an author very familiar to my husband and myself. We have taken, as well as lead The Five Love Languages Bible Study. This is a great book to take that idea another step further if caring for a loved one with dementia.

[Luke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful, comforting, encouraging, and heart-breaking book that will be a treasure for many people who have loved ones suffering from this horrible affliction.

[Juli Forsyth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is invaluable to anyone with a loved one who has Alzheimer's or dementia

[Shelley Gingrich · Rating 4 out of 5]

I sincerely hope no one I care about ever needs to read this book. It is an excellent resource, however, on showing love to a partner despite the personality changes dementia brings.

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe ok for particular person/families - I found hard to follow
Some nice lists of ways to show support and affection