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Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy
Bronze Medal Winner for Young Adult Nonfiction, 2016 Foreword INDIES Book Awards
Silver award winner in the Eureka! Children's Nonfiction Awards
2017 National Indie Excellence Award Winner for Young Adult Nonfiction
Best Typographic Cover and Best in Show in Washington Book Publisher’s Design and Effectiveness Awards
"There’s a good chance you’ve had the “sex talk” with your parents. Or not. Or learned about human reproduction in health class. Or maybe you’ve heard a lot about dating, sex, and relationships from friends, movies, and surfing online. So you are all set, right? Maybe…. But everything you think you know and everything you really want to know is inside this book."
Written for teen boys, Dating and Sex provides them with the knowledge they need to understand dating, relationships, and sex. It goes beyond basic descriptions of biological processes with a progressive, practical approach that relies on secular ethics and emphasizes sexual health and personal responsibility.
The book addresses common questions
The perfect book for helping teen boys understand both themselves and the complexity of the sexual world around them.
Silver award winner in the Eureka! Children's Nonfiction Awards
2017 National Indie Excellence Award Winner for Young Adult Nonfiction
Best Typographic Cover and Best in Show in Washington Book Publisher’s Design and Effectiveness Awards
"There’s a good chance you’ve had the “sex talk” with your parents. Or not. Or learned about human reproduction in health class. Or maybe you’ve heard a lot about dating, sex, and relationships from friends, movies, and surfing online. So you are all set, right? Maybe…. But everything you think you know and everything you really want to know is inside this book."
Written for teen boys, Dating and Sex provides them with the knowledge they need to understand dating, relationships, and sex. It goes beyond basic descriptions of biological processes with a progressive, practical approach that relies on secular ethics and emphasizes sexual health and personal responsibility.
The book addresses common questions
The perfect book for helping teen boys understand both themselves and the complexity of the sexual world around them.
- GenresNonfictionParenting
208 pages, Paperback
Published September 5, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
September 5, 2016
This guide does a great job of presenting information about healthy relationships, sex, puberty, and more in a friendly and fact-based way. It focuses on showing teens how to make decisions based on their own values rather than prescribing any particular belief system, and I was happy to see that it referenced guys dating girls AND/OR guys throughout, and also discussed a variety of non-binary gender and sexuality labels. And even though this is aimed at teens, there were a bunch of important points - especially in the discussions of communication and how to build a healthy relationship - that I was tempted to quote to various adults I know.
April 1, 2022
Recommended by my sex/sexuality educator friend for cis boys. It's is inlcusive, not heteronormative, very comprehensive and respectful.
December 18, 2017
Initially, I couldn’t imagine my teenage boys sitting and reading this entire book, no matter how interested they were in the topic. It covers some very basic social and sexual interaction that I would imagine are fairly obvious to most boys (but I’ve never been a teenage boy, so idk). I think that this basic information could be particularly useful for someone on the autism spectrum.
As I continued to read the book, I decided that if a teen were to use it more as an encyclopedia type resource, looking up topics to read about rather than trying to read straight through, it would be more helpful. It’s just a book with a LOT of information.
Throughout the first four chapters, I really wish there had been more acknowledgement that not all boys are going to have sex in their teenage years. The book may have stated that, but I can’t remember it, so if it’s there, the message got lost. I give the first four chapters 2 stars. They were hard for me to get through, and I imagine most boys would skim or skip through them.
I grew up rather sheltered in many ways, but I didn’t have sex as a young teen, none of my close friends did, and I wasn’t aware of more than a handful of teens around me who were having sex. If I were giving this book to my kids (which I probably will), I’d talk with them first about our values and expectations, and how they align with the information and assumptions in the book.
Chapter 5 is on consent, and does a very thorough job of explaining what consent is and how to ask for it, and what to do if you don’t get it. From here on out, I give the book 4.5 stars.
Chapter 6 is on “solo sex”, and covers fantasizing, masturbation, and porn. The chapter did an excellent job presenting legal, emotional, and physical issues to be aware of. There are a couple of points (one in this chapter, and one later on I think) that ask the reader to consider their religious views and then suggest finding someone to talk to if their religious views do not align with their sexual values. While I wish the author would have gone into more depth on this topic, I can appreciate his view that it was beyond the scope of the book, and am glad that he at least included as much as he did and encouraged readers to seek out help dealing with religious issues.
My overall takeaway: while I wish the book had a bit more “not everyone has sex as a teen, and that’s normal” to balance out normalizing the reality that lots of teens are going to have sex, it did an excellent job of presenting information and encouraging teen boys to question their motives, their hopes, and their information to make sure that the choices they make for themselves and their dating or sexual partners are informed, thoughtful choices.
As a parent and therapist, having teens make educated and self-aware choices is the goal. I’d recommend parents read it first, so they can be prepared to talk to their kids about it, but don’t be scared away just because some of the topics make you uncomfortable. Our kids deserve more than to inherit our discomfort.
As I continued to read the book, I decided that if a teen were to use it more as an encyclopedia type resource, looking up topics to read about rather than trying to read straight through, it would be more helpful. It’s just a book with a LOT of information.
Throughout the first four chapters, I really wish there had been more acknowledgement that not all boys are going to have sex in their teenage years. The book may have stated that, but I can’t remember it, so if it’s there, the message got lost. I give the first four chapters 2 stars. They were hard for me to get through, and I imagine most boys would skim or skip through them.
I grew up rather sheltered in many ways, but I didn’t have sex as a young teen, none of my close friends did, and I wasn’t aware of more than a handful of teens around me who were having sex. If I were giving this book to my kids (which I probably will), I’d talk with them first about our values and expectations, and how they align with the information and assumptions in the book.
Chapter 5 is on consent, and does a very thorough job of explaining what consent is and how to ask for it, and what to do if you don’t get it. From here on out, I give the book 4.5 stars.
Chapter 6 is on “solo sex”, and covers fantasizing, masturbation, and porn. The chapter did an excellent job presenting legal, emotional, and physical issues to be aware of. There are a couple of points (one in this chapter, and one later on I think) that ask the reader to consider their religious views and then suggest finding someone to talk to if their religious views do not align with their sexual values. While I wish the author would have gone into more depth on this topic, I can appreciate his view that it was beyond the scope of the book, and am glad that he at least included as much as he did and encouraged readers to seek out help dealing with religious issues.
My overall takeaway: while I wish the book had a bit more “not everyone has sex as a teen, and that’s normal” to balance out normalizing the reality that lots of teens are going to have sex, it did an excellent job of presenting information and encouraging teen boys to question their motives, their hopes, and their information to make sure that the choices they make for themselves and their dating or sexual partners are informed, thoughtful choices.
As a parent and therapist, having teens make educated and self-aware choices is the goal. I’d recommend parents read it first, so they can be prepared to talk to their kids about it, but don’t be scared away just because some of the topics make you uncomfortable. Our kids deserve more than to inherit our discomfort.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Did Not Finish
June 13, 2025No rating, did not finish. Was going to review this as a banned book, detailing instances of banning and attempted banning around the country and exploring the reasons why, as I have done with other banned books (more than 80 to date, published on my blog and Daily Kos). A few brief glances at the text told me the issues around this one are the same old same old: banned because it addresses aspects of sex, sex acts, sexuality, transgender issues, etc, in neutral, non-condemning ways, just like most sex guides written for young adults, all of which have been subject to banning and banning attempts for the exact same reasons. So really, not much point to reviewing this one. I'm sure it's good for its type. I will just note that I wish books like this had existed when I was a teen ... Pat Boone's Twixt Twelve and Twenty was more my era's speed.
December 28, 2021
Read in hopes this would be helpful, appropriate, and timely for my teenage son. It is! In down-to-earth language, the author covers some really important basics that teens seem to be missing these days while they sit behind their screens or at home in the pandemic: how to tell if it's mutual, are you ready for sex, responsibility, protection, consent, and how to make a relationship last. It doesn't have everything I was looking for for him, but darn close! Definitely worthwhile information!
May 11, 2018
Dating & Sex does an excellent job discussing why someone might want to begin or have a relationship, as well as the importance of maintaining friendships, schoolwork, and family connections while in a romantic or sexual relationship. Smiler also makes a good attempt at describing the power of language - specifically the way using sexist or homophobic terms as insults is both harmful to women and lgbt+ folks AND to boys trying to live up to the inaccurate stereotype of manhood.
However, when it comes to sex and sexuality, this book is fairly limited. Certain sections are written with a clear directive (ie don't call a clitoris a clit. don't have anal sex with women), which misses the opportunity to have a more nuanced and sex positive message. Similarly, important information about safe sex practices stopped after a thorough description of condom use - which means readers of this book have no information about the usefulness of other methods (including internal condoms for anal, lube!, and birth control options).
Overall, this was a fair primer for young teens but should be supplemented with other materials. Moreover, while the title suggests the guide is for boys, it is important to remember that it is mostly for able bodied cis-gendered boys who identify as straight or gay.
However, when it comes to sex and sexuality, this book is fairly limited. Certain sections are written with a clear directive (ie don't call a clitoris a clit. don't have anal sex with women), which misses the opportunity to have a more nuanced and sex positive message. Similarly, important information about safe sex practices stopped after a thorough description of condom use - which means readers of this book have no information about the usefulness of other methods (including internal condoms for anal, lube!, and birth control options).
Overall, this was a fair primer for young teens but should be supplemented with other materials. Moreover, while the title suggests the guide is for boys, it is important to remember that it is mostly for able bodied cis-gendered boys who identify as straight or gay.
January 10, 2018
This is a great book for a 13-15 year-old boy to begin understanding how to make adult choices about sex and relationships. I particularly liked the conversation about body image, gender roles, sexual orientation, and consent. Plus, the author does a good job of using actual data to present boys with the truth about the wide range of what constitutes normal. There are a lot of resources at the end as well.
April 8, 2018
Pretty perfect for what we need. Honest, to the point, emphasizes mutual respect and consent.
September 6, 2016
It is no secret that our society does a miserable job of providing good sex education. While it doesn’t seem to get as much attention, it also doesn’t do well at teach adolescents some of the most basic interpersonal skill surrounding dating and relationships. That leaves adolescents to try to navigate those areas by learning from friends, movies, television, and other indirect and unreliable sources full of misinformation and mixed messages. What books there are out there tend to be written for either girls or both boys and girls. That leaves boys without a resource specifically for them.
Thankfully, Andrew P. Smiler, PhD is addressing that in his new book Dating And Sex – A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy. That’s an ambitious topic and Smiler does an excellent job of breaking it down into manageable pieces ranging all the way from how to know if you like someone to making decisions about being sexual.
Given the scope of issues addressed in the book it isn’t by any means a comprehensive guide to any one area. However, what it does do is give a very thoughtful presentation of the basic concepts and questions that are most relevant to a teen boy. Given that the target audience is boys 12 – 15 years old that’s exactly what it should do. The book provides a lot of great information. Equally importantly it plants the seeds that there are many factors that need to be considered and thought about beyond what many teens might realize. It provides the basis for teens to think about and seek out more information in those areas.
I appreciate that Smiler takes a very holistic view. He covers more than just the technical steps such as asking someone out, but also thinking about how a relationship my impact your friendships, considering the impact of gender stereotypes, and the role technology plays in both dating and sex. He presents a very broad view of sex that counters the problematic societal norm of sex being a goal oriented activity that only includes intercourse. The book goes a long way towards raising awareness that many of our societal norms and expectations fall short around topics such as masculinity, gender roles and stereotypes, being respectful, sexual identity, and sexual orientation. He even tackles tough topics like sexual assault.
The book includes some questions and fun diagrams to help the reader understand and make decisions for themselves. I appreciated that Smiler acknowledged that some issues such as religious conflicts, or a more in-depth discussion of them, are outside of the scope of the book and suggest that the reader should seek other resources to address them.
I know the book is aimed at teen boys. It is written in a style that is easy to read and makes good us of humor. I’ll be curious to see if teen boys are really open to picking up this book and reading it. I keep trying to decide if I would have and honestly I’m not sure. I suspect I wouldn’t have sought it out at the library (I’m too old for Amazon to have been an option!). However, my mom was a librarian and had the habit of bringing books home to sit around the house. I very well might have picked it up then. I suspect that this book may make it into the hands of teen boys in indirect ways!
This book will benefit more than just teen boys. As a therapist that works with adolescents boys I found the book incredibly helpful. It provides not only a wide range of topics to remember, but also frames things in ways that will resonate with teens. I can easily see using the book to support the work I do in therapy.
Parents will also benefit from reading this book. It will help them consider all of the different issues that teens may be concerned about or may not even know about. I often see parents have trouble remembering that their teen is not an adult. This book can help to shape a parent’s approach to their teen. Besides, if you leave it laying around, who knows who will pick it up and read it!
All in all an excellent resource for teen boys and anyone helping them through their complicated teen years.
Thankfully, Andrew P. Smiler, PhD is addressing that in his new book Dating And Sex – A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy. That’s an ambitious topic and Smiler does an excellent job of breaking it down into manageable pieces ranging all the way from how to know if you like someone to making decisions about being sexual.
Given the scope of issues addressed in the book it isn’t by any means a comprehensive guide to any one area. However, what it does do is give a very thoughtful presentation of the basic concepts and questions that are most relevant to a teen boy. Given that the target audience is boys 12 – 15 years old that’s exactly what it should do. The book provides a lot of great information. Equally importantly it plants the seeds that there are many factors that need to be considered and thought about beyond what many teens might realize. It provides the basis for teens to think about and seek out more information in those areas.
I appreciate that Smiler takes a very holistic view. He covers more than just the technical steps such as asking someone out, but also thinking about how a relationship my impact your friendships, considering the impact of gender stereotypes, and the role technology plays in both dating and sex. He presents a very broad view of sex that counters the problematic societal norm of sex being a goal oriented activity that only includes intercourse. The book goes a long way towards raising awareness that many of our societal norms and expectations fall short around topics such as masculinity, gender roles and stereotypes, being respectful, sexual identity, and sexual orientation. He even tackles tough topics like sexual assault.
The book includes some questions and fun diagrams to help the reader understand and make decisions for themselves. I appreciated that Smiler acknowledged that some issues such as religious conflicts, or a more in-depth discussion of them, are outside of the scope of the book and suggest that the reader should seek other resources to address them.
I know the book is aimed at teen boys. It is written in a style that is easy to read and makes good us of humor. I’ll be curious to see if teen boys are really open to picking up this book and reading it. I keep trying to decide if I would have and honestly I’m not sure. I suspect I wouldn’t have sought it out at the library (I’m too old for Amazon to have been an option!). However, my mom was a librarian and had the habit of bringing books home to sit around the house. I very well might have picked it up then. I suspect that this book may make it into the hands of teen boys in indirect ways!
This book will benefit more than just teen boys. As a therapist that works with adolescents boys I found the book incredibly helpful. It provides not only a wide range of topics to remember, but also frames things in ways that will resonate with teens. I can easily see using the book to support the work I do in therapy.
Parents will also benefit from reading this book. It will help them consider all of the different issues that teens may be concerned about or may not even know about. I often see parents have trouble remembering that their teen is not an adult. This book can help to shape a parent’s approach to their teen. Besides, if you leave it laying around, who knows who will pick it up and read it!
All in all an excellent resource for teen boys and anyone helping them through their complicated teen years.
June 23, 2018
This was.... dry. Imagine Dr. Drew wearing floral boardshorts to try to be cool. Does that make him cool or make him look more approachable? Unlikely. He is still Dr. Drew and now it's weird that he's wearing boardshorts to try and connect with you.
This book felt clinical and clunky and definitely read like an adult talking *at* a teenager. There is clear effort put in, but it's just not as comfortable or as natural feeling as a teenager who is talking to someone who is more of a peer. For instance, in the chapter on consent, one of the examples given is Danny and Sandy at the drive-in in Grease. Okay, sure...but it's 2018. You need an example that will feel more culturally relevant and connect with more young people. Similarly, when discussing rape in another chapter, mentioning The Shawshank Redemption isn't the best approach either. Other topics like porn and masturbation are addressed, but again in a very detached, clinical way that might make teens feel more awkward than informed. It seems like whenever this book is about to get to the good stuff, the tone gets robotic. "Taboo" things like porn addiction or sex in relation to faith are just BOOPED on and then skirted as soon as possible. These are the things teens want to read about though!!!!!!!! It's disappointing.
The approach also felt very prescriptive and narrow. There were things that came up like "well everyone says that having sex will boost your reputation, but you should know it's just not true." What if the reader wasn't thinking that to begin with and now they are? "Guys usually don't," "Guys sometimes say," and worst of all "SOME GUYS." There's a tone to many statements in the book that's very derisive of certain behaviors, and doesn't address what to do if you've engaged in a bunch of this deviant, toxic behavior that is always presented as the bad example of masculinity. Where do you go from here if you've already bullied people about body image, have had lots of sexual partners, and are afraid you have an STI?
Lastly, this book is not visually appealing. When you open it you are confronted with lots and lots of black and white pages and walls of text (I mean ya it's a book), which feels intimidating. With sensitive subjects like this, I feel like it's important to at least frame the discussion in an enticing way that doesn't make it seem overwhelming and serious.
I'm glad this book is here because I haven't seen many dating/sex/identity books geared towards boys, I just need it to be BETTER. This is on our summer reading list but I wish I could feel good when handing this book to somebody instead of wincing in apology and apprehension.
This book felt clinical and clunky and definitely read like an adult talking *at* a teenager. There is clear effort put in, but it's just not as comfortable or as natural feeling as a teenager who is talking to someone who is more of a peer. For instance, in the chapter on consent, one of the examples given is Danny and Sandy at the drive-in in Grease. Okay, sure...but it's 2018. You need an example that will feel more culturally relevant and connect with more young people. Similarly, when discussing rape in another chapter, mentioning The Shawshank Redemption isn't the best approach either. Other topics like porn and masturbation are addressed, but again in a very detached, clinical way that might make teens feel more awkward than informed. It seems like whenever this book is about to get to the good stuff, the tone gets robotic. "Taboo" things like porn addiction or sex in relation to faith are just BOOPED on and then skirted as soon as possible. These are the things teens want to read about though!!!!!!!! It's disappointing.
The approach also felt very prescriptive and narrow. There were things that came up like "well everyone says that having sex will boost your reputation, but you should know it's just not true." What if the reader wasn't thinking that to begin with and now they are? "Guys usually don't," "Guys sometimes say," and worst of all "SOME GUYS." There's a tone to many statements in the book that's very derisive of certain behaviors, and doesn't address what to do if you've engaged in a bunch of this deviant, toxic behavior that is always presented as the bad example of masculinity. Where do you go from here if you've already bullied people about body image, have had lots of sexual partners, and are afraid you have an STI?
Lastly, this book is not visually appealing. When you open it you are confronted with lots and lots of black and white pages and walls of text (I mean ya it's a book), which feels intimidating. With sensitive subjects like this, I feel like it's important to at least frame the discussion in an enticing way that doesn't make it seem overwhelming and serious.
I'm glad this book is here because I haven't seen many dating/sex/identity books geared towards boys, I just need it to be BETTER. This is on our summer reading list but I wish I could feel good when handing this book to somebody instead of wincing in apology and apprehension.
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