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Paperback
First published January 1, 1972
One of the reporters was sitting on the throne where Herman was going to pass every morning at nine-thirty. It was an elaborate structure, designed and fabricated by Mr. Edge's own interior decorators.
"Do you think the public is ready for this?" the reporter asked Mr. Edge.
"Would you be surprised to know that I'm ..." He glanced at Mister standing beside him... “that we're negotiating to put it on nationwide TeeVee?"
"Nationwide TeeVee?" asked the reporter. He whipped out a pad and wrote on it. The other reporters who had gathered close behind him wrote too.
"Of course," said Mr. Edge, "the immediate area—a three-hundred-mile radius or so—will be blacked out."
"Could you tell us about the negotiations?”
“Only to say that we're talking to all the networks." Mr. Edge shrugged.
"What the hell, I guess it's all right to say that the network we're closest with is ABC. They want it for their 'Wide World of Sports.'"
"And you think you can put this on national TeeVee?" The reporter howled like a dog, and dissolved in laughter.
"Sponsored by Preparation H," shouted another reporter.
The reporter got off the throne and they all stood looking at it, while Mr. Edge talked. "It's ingenious. American knowhow. You can see his head. These drapes will conceal his body. Here is where the Maverick drops. The audience can see it drop. But they can't see him." In exasperation he looked at the reporters, all of whom were scribbling furiously. "For God's sake give us credit for a little class and a little taste. We wouldn't show his rectum to an American audience."
"And now a special announcement. As you know, Herman Mack will eat for the first time this evening at six."
A roar of applause.
"In the morning, the first half-ounce he passes at nine-thirty will be auctioned off to the highest bidder." Mr. Edge paused. There was utter silence. He could hear the doctor shuffling around behind him. The audience sat stunned. Mr. Edge rushed on. “We have facilities here at the Hotel Sherman for melting down the half-ounce and casting it into the shape of a miniature Maverick-an absolute replica. And moreover, each subsequent half-ounce will be similarly melted and cast into small cars with a hole through the top suitable for wearing on your key chains. These small cars will be sold at twelve dollars and fifty cents each plus state sales tax on a first come first served basis."
Twenty-five tons of machinery waited, poised on rails at either end of the car-crusher, to shorten the Cadillac, to reduce it to a manageable unlovely square lump.
. . .
The voices pumped quietly in Mister's head. Quietly he participated in the car's evolution. He saw the first Cadillacs--solid and square as Sherman tanks. But gradually, they were attenuated by the wind, stretched and smoothed like teardrops. Then the first evidence of a fin began to appear. A small bump at the small end of the teardrop. And from that small bump there grew a giant fin of such proportions as to take the breath away. It swam through all the garages from ocean to ocean, from Canada to Mexico. It went upstream, savage and unrelenting, to the headwaters of the American heart. And there it remained. There it would always remain. Who could doubt it?
"And I think because I love it so much, I can't stand for it to cause that kind of pain in me. I mean I can stand the pain - I think I could stand the pain if it was just pain - but I can't stand that kind of pain from something I love."