What do you think?
Rate this book
Sweet Valley High #126
Tall, Dark, And Deadly
Is Jonathan a dream guy . . . or a monster?
When Jonathan Cain moves to Sweet Valley, Jessica Wakefield feels an attraction so strong it's almost supernatural. Jonathan is interesting, intelligent, and gorgeous in a dark, brooding sort of way--no wonder SVH students are following him around! But Jonathan won't even meet Jessica's eyes. Will Jessica find a way to capture this mystery man's heart . . . or has she lost her touch?
Elizabeth Wakefield doesn't trust Jonathan for a single minute. She can't believe her friends--and her twin sister--are so taken with such an arrogant guy. And when a body, drained of blood, is discovered behind the Dairi Burger, Elizabeth's mistrust explodes into a fear. Jonathan might be far more dangerous than she ever imagined.
When Jonathan Cain moves to Sweet Valley, Jessica Wakefield feels an attraction so strong it's almost supernatural. Jonathan is interesting, intelligent, and gorgeous in a dark, brooding sort of way--no wonder SVH students are following him around! But Jonathan won't even meet Jessica's eyes. Will Jessica find a way to capture this mystery man's heart . . . or has she lost her touch?
Elizabeth Wakefield doesn't trust Jonathan for a single minute. She can't believe her friends--and her twin sister--are so taken with such an arrogant guy. And when a body, drained of blood, is discovered behind the Dairi Burger, Elizabeth's mistrust explodes into a fear. Jonathan might be far more dangerous than she ever imagined.
195 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 1, 1996
30 people are currently reading
294 people want to read
About the author
Francine Pascal
1,139 books1,843 followersFrancine Paula Pascal was an American author best known for her Sweet Valley series of young adult novels. Sweet Valley High, the backbone of the collection, was made into a television series, which led to several spin-offs, including The Unicorn Club and Sweet Valley University. Although most of these books were published in the 1980s and 1990s, they remained so popular that several titles were re-released decades later.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
January 3, 2025
The first book in the notorious Sweet Valley High vampire trilogy, this was a fun read but didn't quite match the delirious highs of the SVH werewolf books I read recently. Published 9 years before 'Twilight', it reads a lot like 'Twilight', with a brooding, dark haired young man who is romantic one minute and standoffish the next moving into a small town and making the local girls swoon. One of the swooners is SVH twin Jessica, and naturally her sister Elizabeth is suspicious of newcomer Jonathan Cain, not least because a dead body with holes in its neck turns up in town just after he arrives.
All a lot of fun and builds to a pretty great cliffhanger climax.
All a lot of fun and builds to a pretty great cliffhanger climax.
December 12, 2021
The one where Enid goes goth. Todd is again a limp dishrag that Elizabeth wrings throughout the text while hoping she can be with another Todd-clone. Jessica is in normal form while she chases down a guy who has basically no redeeming qualities and lives in the Bates mansion.
July 17, 2020
The One In Which Sweet Valley Has A Vampire.
I remember certain details about this particular miniseries very vividly, even though it’s been close to 20 years since I’ve read it.
We open with Jessica and Lila spending a Saturday night with their girlfriends at the Dairi Burger. Jess is showing off her new diamond earrings from her Grandma. She notices at closing time after most everyone has left that one of her earrings is missing. She somehow convinces Lila of all people to help her dig through the dumpster to look for it. They find more than they bargained for, naturally: a tiny white kitten who is hissing and freaking out nearby, and the body of a teenage boy at the bottom of the dumpster, completely drained of blood and sporting teeth marks on his neck. Jess should be used to seeing dead bodies by now I suppose.
Fast forward to Monday, and there is a new guy at school. Liz thinks he’s very rude (and she’s not wrong), but the rest of the student body, male and female alike, collectively have a huge crush on him. His name is Jonathan Cain, and, you guessed it — he’s tall, dark and deadly! He’s described as being very gorgeous with dark hair and always dresses all in black. Soon, some male and female students start dressing in goth clothing.
Meanwhile, Enid is feeling neglected by Liz, since Liz has been reunited with one of her bffs from middle school, Maria Slater. Enid takes one look at Jonathan and falls head over heels. By the end of book one, she has undergone a complete transformation: her curly auburn hair has been chemically straightened and dyed black, she embraces goth makeup and starts dressing all in black and sporting all black nails as well. The funniest thing to me is she starts being extremely rude to Liz and Maria. Honestly, I feel for her here and can fully relate to this quote — “Why should I worry so much about other people’s feelings? Nobody ever worries about mine!” I hear you, Enid.
Perhaps the least surprising thing about this book so far is that Jessica Wakefield has decided Jonathan is the man of her dreams. She tries multiple things to get his attention, but he is rude and standoffish to her. Book one ends with Jonathan telling Liz to keep Jess away from him (which understandably freaks Liz out), while Jess goes to his house (thanks to Enid’s stalking tendencies she knows where he lives) and makes out with him.
I honestly can’t remember the exact details of what happens next, so I’m looking forward to reading the rest of this miniseries.
The B story is that Liz is having a boy crisis. She met Joey Mason at camp back in the last miniseries and had a little fling with him. She doesn’t know what to do when Joey writes to her and tells her he’s transferring to UCLA. Todd is freaking out because Liz is acting so weird. She eventually decides to burn his letter and try to forget about him, and things get better with Todd. Naturally, that means Joey shows up on the Wakefield’s doorstep at the end of the book, about 2 minutes before Todd gets there. Poor Todd. He walks in to see Liz wrapped in Joey’s arms. Todd should be used to it since this is about the 20th time Liz has cheated on him (to be fair, Todd occasionally cheats on her as well).
Onward to the next book in the series! This one has me feeling more nostalgic than usual.
I remember certain details about this particular miniseries very vividly, even though it’s been close to 20 years since I’ve read it.
We open with Jessica and Lila spending a Saturday night with their girlfriends at the Dairi Burger. Jess is showing off her new diamond earrings from her Grandma. She notices at closing time after most everyone has left that one of her earrings is missing. She somehow convinces Lila of all people to help her dig through the dumpster to look for it. They find more than they bargained for, naturally: a tiny white kitten who is hissing and freaking out nearby, and the body of a teenage boy at the bottom of the dumpster, completely drained of blood and sporting teeth marks on his neck. Jess should be used to seeing dead bodies by now I suppose.
Fast forward to Monday, and there is a new guy at school. Liz thinks he’s very rude (and she’s not wrong), but the rest of the student body, male and female alike, collectively have a huge crush on him. His name is Jonathan Cain, and, you guessed it — he’s tall, dark and deadly! He’s described as being very gorgeous with dark hair and always dresses all in black. Soon, some male and female students start dressing in goth clothing.
Meanwhile, Enid is feeling neglected by Liz, since Liz has been reunited with one of her bffs from middle school, Maria Slater. Enid takes one look at Jonathan and falls head over heels. By the end of book one, she has undergone a complete transformation: her curly auburn hair has been chemically straightened and dyed black, she embraces goth makeup and starts dressing all in black and sporting all black nails as well. The funniest thing to me is she starts being extremely rude to Liz and Maria. Honestly, I feel for her here and can fully relate to this quote — “Why should I worry so much about other people’s feelings? Nobody ever worries about mine!” I hear you, Enid.
Perhaps the least surprising thing about this book so far is that Jessica Wakefield has decided Jonathan is the man of her dreams. She tries multiple things to get his attention, but he is rude and standoffish to her. Book one ends with Jonathan telling Liz to keep Jess away from him (which understandably freaks Liz out), while Jess goes to his house (thanks to Enid’s stalking tendencies she knows where he lives) and makes out with him.
I honestly can’t remember the exact details of what happens next, so I’m looking forward to reading the rest of this miniseries.
The B story is that Liz is having a boy crisis. She met Joey Mason at camp back in the last miniseries and had a little fling with him. She doesn’t know what to do when Joey writes to her and tells her he’s transferring to UCLA. Todd is freaking out because Liz is acting so weird. She eventually decides to burn his letter and try to forget about him, and things get better with Todd. Naturally, that means Joey shows up on the Wakefield’s doorstep at the end of the book, about 2 minutes before Todd gets there. Poor Todd. He walks in to see Liz wrapped in Joey’s arms. Todd should be used to it since this is about the 20th time Liz has cheated on him (to be fair, Todd occasionally cheats on her as well).
Onward to the next book in the series! This one has me feeling more nostalgic than usual.
October 15, 2022
Tall, Dark, and Deadly is one of my favorite book covers from the later SVH books. I could do without Jono there in the window trying to look creepy and whatnot but Jessica in gothic romance gear by way of the 90's? Yes, please.
I'm kind of a sucker for the vampire mini arc. Partly because of my aforementioned love of this book's cover art and partly because I just love when SV goes off the deep end into the supernatural.
It's been awhile since I dabbled in this end of the SVH book selection and I'd forgotten just how much later Liz made me want to slam my head into a wall. Over the years I've read interviews with ghosties, particularly those who worked on the later books for both SVH/SVU, and there was definitely an anti-Liz brigade and dude, it shows. I don't think that's in as full force here but there's still a lot to be vexed about.
She's a terrible girlfriend - instead of breaking up with Todd when she realizes she doesn't feel the same way about him and is still very much hung up on the boy she cheated on him with over the summer, she constantly looks for flaws so she can pick him apart mentally, all while telling him that nothing's wrong.
She's a shitty friend- there's no way she doesn't know Enid's going to be jealous of Maria swooping back into her life. Like the delightful EuroHackie pointed out, this is a retread of Bitter Rivals when Amy came back to town, only now Enid's being the standoffish one.
A few things? Look at you, Enid," Elizabeth urged. "I hardly recognize you anymore."
"That's perfectly understandable," Enid snapped. "You haven't seen me in ages. Ever since Maria came back to Sweet Valley, you've been totally ignoring me."
Thing is, I still can't really fault Enid for her dislike of Maria because we find out that Enid read in the paper about the body Jess and Lila found, called Liz, and then waited around all day for her best friend to call her back... (way to make her look pathetic, ghosty) only Liz not only doesn't call her back, she acts like it's a hassle to even talk to Enid about it. Then she makes a beeline for Maria at the assembly, ignoring Enid's obvious wariness of entering into yet another 'old friend of Elizabeth's returns to SV and immediately wants to pick back up as BFF' trap. While we're obviously supposed to think Enid's being rude since Maria saved both of them seats, Liz immediately plunks down next to Maria and drops a letter from summer romance Joey into her lap and then proceeds to NOT TELL ENID WTF IS GOING ON. LIZ. Why didn't you do this Sunday?! Or literally any other time you weren't in front of someone else who is going to be lost and hurt that you're talking about something potentially life shattering but won't tell them what's going on?
She's also very OTT about Jonathan Cain, the new mystery senior at SVH. To be fair, she's not wrong about her intuition and it's also interesting to see which people are immune to his charms and which people aren't but still. She immediately berates Enid for daring to find Jonathan attractive, flips out on Jessica for the same thing, and is downright hostile anytime his name comes up. Dude's been in town two weeks, Liz. Let's save some of that energy for when... y'know, I don't want to think about that just yet.
You don't want to mess with me. I eat little girls like you for breakfast. PHRASING, Jono. Phrasing.
As far as mysterious boys for characters to crush on, Jonathan is basically a walking red flag in black leather pants. But I'll forgive him, in this book and this book only, for this because the idea of random SVH characters just seeing this dude roll up in black leather pants and deciding to wear every black item in their closet or go out and buy all black ensembles is glorious. And it means that for this tiny sliver of time in SVH, I'd have managed to fit in. :P Well, not really because I'm not a perfect size six, but y'know, rise of the black fashion. Muhahaha... ahem.
Jono. There's not much to go on here, really. We don't spend a lot of time with him other than to know he's lonely and broody and very much the Angel to Jessica's Buffy. He's rude and obnoxious in an effort to keep her away and that works about as well as you'd expect.
"Are you sure it was murder?" Todd asked the officer.
Jessica flashed Todd and irritated look. "Of course it was. Guys don't usually climb into Dumpsters to take a nap and then pass away in their sleep."
If Jono is a sucking void of charisma and Liz is ramping up her hypocrite status to unbearable levels (she actually tells Maria, while discussing the boy she cheated on her boyfriend with, that she's not built for deception), Jessica's actually a freakin' delight here. Sure, she should absolutely be more concerned with the dead body (!) she and Lila (!!) found in a dumpster behind the Dairi Burger (!!!) but it's absolutely a totally Jessica thing to be more concerned with the news article and accompanying picture. Also, at this point I've literally lost track of how many bodies the twins have uncovered so what's one more for the trauma pile?
Believe it or not, everyone in the world doesn't automatically think photo opportunity when they stumble on a dead body."
But when Liz is kicking into overdrive on her "JC is bad news, Jess, I mean it" schtick, Jessica is delightfully unbothered. She mocks her sister in a believable sisterly way (Oh no, Enid's grades have dropped, he must be stopped!), she flirts shamelessly with Jono (her answers to his "what are you doing" are so Jessica it hurts), and she adopts a kitten! We'll all ignore the fact that we've been told repeatedly no cats because Ned's allergic to them because we must protect baby Jasmine at all costs.
Jessica considered purple to be a power color, and she was dressed for battle. (Unicorn nod!)
Enid begins (continues?) her run of being given the short end of the stick by being treated like a joke by the book. I'm not sure how Enid would go from Liz Wakefield's BFF levels of good grades to failing in less than two weeks (she wouldn't, ghosty) and it's not like Jessica's never lost her mind over a boy to the degree that it's all she talks about (hell, that's Lila's entire thing this book) but Enid is somehow even beyond that. Probably because she's never talked to JC and she's obsessed. I feel like there was a way to get the point across without making her the series buttmonkey, yet again, but eh. I do like that her new makeover actually works other than possibly needing to go a little lighter on the makeup in general, but that's also super believable for a highschool kid changing their look in a big way. I don't like the idea that Enid of all people wouldn't realize that getting her curly hair straightened would make it look considerably longer. I assure you, ghosty, that even in the 90's we knew such things. I especially love that both Maria and Liz are like "lol, no, that is going to look horrible on you" and nope. Enid goes SVH!Goth and it works. Suck it.
I like that Maria's fairly self aware and realizes why Enid's not going to be thrilled with her in general, though she doesn't stop Liz from excluding Enid at the assembly or stop with the inside jokes. Sigh.
I see Todd was given his series lobotomy by now, which is a shame. It's better than the dude-bro bit that's going to take over soon, but still. There are hints of his old self- he knows Liz is pulling away and that she's not feeling the same way and it's killing him because he can't figure out what's changed. But also, it feels weird as he lists all the ways he's contorted himself to make Liz happy (and it's not working) and I'm not sure we're not supposed to think "yeah, that's what the perfect boy SHOULD do" and...oof.
Overall, it's been years and I still don't know how to rate it. I think I'm going with 3 because I thought Jessica was fantastically over the top, Jasmine the kitten is adorable, and goth!Enid is definitely worth a star.
Finally, I leave you with this gem that made me cackle for two minutes:
Jessica had sunk into a state of depression after her boyfriend Christian Gorman had drowned in Bruce Patman's pool during a gang fight.
I'm kind of a sucker for the vampire mini arc. Partly because of my aforementioned love of this book's cover art and partly because I just love when SV goes off the deep end into the supernatural.
It's been awhile since I dabbled in this end of the SVH book selection and I'd forgotten just how much later Liz made me want to slam my head into a wall. Over the years I've read interviews with ghosties, particularly those who worked on the later books for both SVH/SVU, and there was definitely an anti-Liz brigade and dude, it shows. I don't think that's in as full force here but there's still a lot to be vexed about.
She's a terrible girlfriend - instead of breaking up with Todd when she realizes she doesn't feel the same way about him and is still very much hung up on the boy she cheated on him with over the summer, she constantly looks for flaws so she can pick him apart mentally, all while telling him that nothing's wrong.
She's a shitty friend- there's no way she doesn't know Enid's going to be jealous of Maria swooping back into her life. Like the delightful EuroHackie pointed out, this is a retread of Bitter Rivals when Amy came back to town, only now Enid's being the standoffish one.
A few things? Look at you, Enid," Elizabeth urged. "I hardly recognize you anymore."
"That's perfectly understandable," Enid snapped. "You haven't seen me in ages. Ever since Maria came back to Sweet Valley, you've been totally ignoring me."
Thing is, I still can't really fault Enid for her dislike of Maria because we find out that Enid read in the paper about the body Jess and Lila found, called Liz, and then waited around all day for her best friend to call her back... (way to make her look pathetic, ghosty) only Liz not only doesn't call her back, she acts like it's a hassle to even talk to Enid about it. Then she makes a beeline for Maria at the assembly, ignoring Enid's obvious wariness of entering into yet another 'old friend of Elizabeth's returns to SV and immediately wants to pick back up as BFF' trap. While we're obviously supposed to think Enid's being rude since Maria saved both of them seats, Liz immediately plunks down next to Maria and drops a letter from summer romance Joey into her lap and then proceeds to NOT TELL ENID WTF IS GOING ON. LIZ. Why didn't you do this Sunday?! Or literally any other time you weren't in front of someone else who is going to be lost and hurt that you're talking about something potentially life shattering but won't tell them what's going on?
She's also very OTT about Jonathan Cain, the new mystery senior at SVH. To be fair, she's not wrong about her intuition and it's also interesting to see which people are immune to his charms and which people aren't but still. She immediately berates Enid for daring to find Jonathan attractive, flips out on Jessica for the same thing, and is downright hostile anytime his name comes up. Dude's been in town two weeks, Liz. Let's save some of that energy for when... y'know, I don't want to think about that just yet.
You don't want to mess with me. I eat little girls like you for breakfast. PHRASING, Jono. Phrasing.
As far as mysterious boys for characters to crush on, Jonathan is basically a walking red flag in black leather pants. But I'll forgive him, in this book and this book only, for this because the idea of random SVH characters just seeing this dude roll up in black leather pants and deciding to wear every black item in their closet or go out and buy all black ensembles is glorious. And it means that for this tiny sliver of time in SVH, I'd have managed to fit in. :P Well, not really because I'm not a perfect size six, but y'know, rise of the black fashion. Muhahaha... ahem.
Jono. There's not much to go on here, really. We don't spend a lot of time with him other than to know he's lonely and broody and very much the Angel to Jessica's Buffy. He's rude and obnoxious in an effort to keep her away and that works about as well as you'd expect.
"Are you sure it was murder?" Todd asked the officer.
Jessica flashed Todd and irritated look. "Of course it was. Guys don't usually climb into Dumpsters to take a nap and then pass away in their sleep."
If Jono is a sucking void of charisma and Liz is ramping up her hypocrite status to unbearable levels (she actually tells Maria, while discussing the boy she cheated on her boyfriend with, that she's not built for deception), Jessica's actually a freakin' delight here. Sure, she should absolutely be more concerned with the dead body (!) she and Lila (!!) found in a dumpster behind the Dairi Burger (!!!) but it's absolutely a totally Jessica thing to be more concerned with the news article and accompanying picture. Also, at this point I've literally lost track of how many bodies the twins have uncovered so what's one more for the trauma pile?
Believe it or not, everyone in the world doesn't automatically think photo opportunity when they stumble on a dead body."
But when Liz is kicking into overdrive on her "JC is bad news, Jess, I mean it" schtick, Jessica is delightfully unbothered. She mocks her sister in a believable sisterly way (Oh no, Enid's grades have dropped, he must be stopped!), she flirts shamelessly with Jono (her answers to his "what are you doing" are so Jessica it hurts), and she adopts a kitten! We'll all ignore the fact that we've been told repeatedly no cats because Ned's allergic to them because we must protect baby Jasmine at all costs.
Jessica considered purple to be a power color, and she was dressed for battle. (Unicorn nod!)
Enid begins (continues?) her run of being given the short end of the stick by being treated like a joke by the book. I'm not sure how Enid would go from Liz Wakefield's BFF levels of good grades to failing in less than two weeks (she wouldn't, ghosty) and it's not like Jessica's never lost her mind over a boy to the degree that it's all she talks about (hell, that's Lila's entire thing this book) but Enid is somehow even beyond that. Probably because she's never talked to JC and she's obsessed. I feel like there was a way to get the point across without making her the series buttmonkey, yet again, but eh. I do like that her new makeover actually works other than possibly needing to go a little lighter on the makeup in general, but that's also super believable for a highschool kid changing their look in a big way. I don't like the idea that Enid of all people wouldn't realize that getting her curly hair straightened would make it look considerably longer. I assure you, ghosty, that even in the 90's we knew such things. I especially love that both Maria and Liz are like "lol, no, that is going to look horrible on you" and nope. Enid goes SVH!Goth and it works. Suck it.
I like that Maria's fairly self aware and realizes why Enid's not going to be thrilled with her in general, though she doesn't stop Liz from excluding Enid at the assembly or stop with the inside jokes. Sigh.
I see Todd was given his series lobotomy by now, which is a shame. It's better than the dude-bro bit that's going to take over soon, but still. There are hints of his old self- he knows Liz is pulling away and that she's not feeling the same way and it's killing him because he can't figure out what's changed. But also, it feels weird as he lists all the ways he's contorted himself to make Liz happy (and it's not working) and I'm not sure we're not supposed to think "yeah, that's what the perfect boy SHOULD do" and...oof.
Overall, it's been years and I still don't know how to rate it. I think I'm going with 3 because I thought Jessica was fantastically over the top, Jasmine the kitten is adorable, and goth!Enid is definitely worth a star.
Finally, I leave you with this gem that made me cackle for two minutes:
Jessica had sunk into a state of depression after her boyfriend Christian Gorman had drowned in Bruce Patman's pool during a gang fight.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 3, 2022
lovin sweet valley high going goth
July 3, 2025
Goth Enid forever 🖤🦇
December 13, 2017
What I am about to type will be way more interesting than this book.
Welcome to "The Black Parade" or SVH # 126, "Tall, Dark, and Deadly."
This review is called "The Goth Round Table at SVH."
We open in the cafeteria of Sweet Valley High. This entire review will take place in this one scene. We have quite a lively cast of characters here. We have Jessica Red Dress and her twin, Elizabeth Pastel. We have Jonathan Vampire goth and his millions of groupies, Lynne Book #28, Enid Straight Black Hair and so-and-so with such-and-such. Then there's LilaandBo and Todd Black Pants, Black Shirt. Joey Montana is unseen (so far). The black velvet curtain raises to find our depressing heroes/heroines shaken and stirred. They speak in poor Shakespearean language.
Liz P : I love-eth Todd.
LilaandBo : I love-eth my Beauregarde. See, I have even changed our names to one word.
Jon VG : Everybody dance-eth now! Kidding. Everybody, eyes on me while I kill you softly-eth with my blue, blue eyes.
Enid SBH : Oh wowza. Now I see-th clearly why Jessica Red Dress falls for every guy that walks into a room. She's absolutely right-eth! Good grades and hard work get you nowhere. Marry me, Jon VG!
Lynne B28 : Enid, darling, come join our festivus. We are known as the Group that Changes to Impress Guys and Others in the Crowd. We just love how your black eye make-up-eth makes you look-eth 45 years old. Surely Jon VG will dig this sick and twisted worshipping as well.
Liz P : I love-eth Joey. But wait-eth! I love-eth Todd. No, there's something else. *taps on drinking glass* Wait! Everyone! I am psychic-eth. Jon VG is bad, bad news, precisely because Jessica RD wants him.
Jess RD : Oh, Lizzie P, don't be so ridiculous-eth. Owning a motorcycle does not make him dangerous. Besides, everyone covets him. But only I shall have him!!
Liz P : I love-eth Joey.
Todd BPBS : Liz P-th is going to dump-eth me. The shit hath hit-eth the fan.
Jess RD : Oh, why does Jon VG ignore-eth me? Doesn't he know it doesn't work on a sociopath?? My life is full of nothing of meaning... surely he knows I must follow-eth him for the thrill alone??
Enid SBH : Well, Jess RD, since-eth I am the idiot-eth who believes you to give a shit-eth about my feelings, here, why not take this knowledge of Jon VG's address that I have.
Jess RD : Brilliant-ith, Enid SBH, former Drippy Pants. I shall runn-eth like the wind into certain impending doom-eth. But I will survive and only wreck the lives of maybe five-eth people in the process. Must be a slow day.
Jon VG : You are all bumbershits. Read the spine-eth of this so-called novel-eth and see that I am a Vampire!! I do not sparkle, but I can read your mind-eth and order you about, and you will do what I say because apparently vampires have always been women abusers. Also, Jessica, I will eat your face for breakfast.
Jess RD : Sounds romantic-eth. What exactly does that entail?
Liz P : I only love-eth Joey now. Until the next book-eth.
LilaandBo : Blah Blah Blah-eth, Beauregarde-eth.
Liz P : Impending doom. Impendingggggg doooooooooom-eth!!!
Jess RD : Whatever-eth, Liz-eth, you cannot even handle your own love affairs.
Liz P : I am not a cheater-eth, like you.
Jess RD : *snorts milk*
Enid SBH : For the love of Mary-eth! These witches will never give a shit about me. I hope Jonathan VG is a Vampire that will kill them. Why should I care about their feelings-eth. They do not care about mine.
Jess RD : Here I come, Jon VG!! To breathe in your smell-eth and have you be mine. I am always right, and this will be wonderful. No man, mortal or immortal, could ever resist me.
Jon VG : You a stupid hoe.
*THE END* (for now! I don't have book 2, but I will review Book 3 shortly! :-) )
Welcome to "The Black Parade" or SVH # 126, "Tall, Dark, and Deadly."
This review is called "The Goth Round Table at SVH."
We open in the cafeteria of Sweet Valley High. This entire review will take place in this one scene. We have quite a lively cast of characters here. We have Jessica Red Dress and her twin, Elizabeth Pastel. We have Jonathan Vampire goth and his millions of groupies, Lynne Book #28, Enid Straight Black Hair and so-and-so with such-and-such. Then there's LilaandBo and Todd Black Pants, Black Shirt. Joey Montana is unseen (so far). The black velvet curtain raises to find our depressing heroes/heroines shaken and stirred. They speak in poor Shakespearean language.
Liz P : I love-eth Todd.
LilaandBo : I love-eth my Beauregarde. See, I have even changed our names to one word.
Jon VG : Everybody dance-eth now! Kidding. Everybody, eyes on me while I kill you softly-eth with my blue, blue eyes.
Enid SBH : Oh wowza. Now I see-th clearly why Jessica Red Dress falls for every guy that walks into a room. She's absolutely right-eth! Good grades and hard work get you nowhere. Marry me, Jon VG!
Lynne B28 : Enid, darling, come join our festivus. We are known as the Group that Changes to Impress Guys and Others in the Crowd. We just love how your black eye make-up-eth makes you look-eth 45 years old. Surely Jon VG will dig this sick and twisted worshipping as well.
Liz P : I love-eth Joey. But wait-eth! I love-eth Todd. No, there's something else. *taps on drinking glass* Wait! Everyone! I am psychic-eth. Jon VG is bad, bad news, precisely because Jessica RD wants him.
Jess RD : Oh, Lizzie P, don't be so ridiculous-eth. Owning a motorcycle does not make him dangerous. Besides, everyone covets him. But only I shall have him!!
Liz P : I love-eth Joey.
Todd BPBS : Liz P-th is going to dump-eth me. The shit hath hit-eth the fan.
Jess RD : Oh, why does Jon VG ignore-eth me? Doesn't he know it doesn't work on a sociopath?? My life is full of nothing of meaning... surely he knows I must follow-eth him for the thrill alone??
Enid SBH : Well, Jess RD, since-eth I am the idiot-eth who believes you to give a shit-eth about my feelings, here, why not take this knowledge of Jon VG's address that I have.
Jess RD : Brilliant-ith, Enid SBH, former Drippy Pants. I shall runn-eth like the wind into certain impending doom-eth. But I will survive and only wreck the lives of maybe five-eth people in the process. Must be a slow day.
Jon VG : You are all bumbershits. Read the spine-eth of this so-called novel-eth and see that I am a Vampire!! I do not sparkle, but I can read your mind-eth and order you about, and you will do what I say because apparently vampires have always been women abusers. Also, Jessica, I will eat your face for breakfast.
Jess RD : Sounds romantic-eth. What exactly does that entail?
Liz P : I only love-eth Joey now. Until the next book-eth.
LilaandBo : Blah Blah Blah-eth, Beauregarde-eth.
Liz P : Impending doom. Impendingggggg doooooooooom-eth!!!
Jess RD : Whatever-eth, Liz-eth, you cannot even handle your own love affairs.
Liz P : I am not a cheater-eth, like you.
Jess RD : *snorts milk*
Enid SBH : For the love of Mary-eth! These witches will never give a shit about me. I hope Jonathan VG is a Vampire that will kill them. Why should I care about their feelings-eth. They do not care about mine.
Jess RD : Here I come, Jon VG!! To breathe in your smell-eth and have you be mine. I am always right, and this will be wonderful. No man, mortal or immortal, could ever resist me.
Jon VG : You a stupid hoe.
*THE END* (for now! I don't have book 2, but I will review Book 3 shortly! :-) )
April 8, 2018
I'm back at it, y'all.
This was a dumpster fire of a story.
This was a dumpster fire of a story.
January 24, 2023
I just finished this book, and it kept me flipping, and eagerly reaching for it! Mystery is not solved…entirely. Part one of a miniseries. Now onto part two.
March 7, 2019
POSSIBLE SPOILERS
I did enjoy this book for the most part and I know it's fiction but I'm pretty sure that when I was 16, if I'd found a dead body (not that i'd have jumped in a bin to try and find an earring) my parents wouldn't have let me leave the house. Anyhoo, Bunny Boiler Jess is back because Jonathon is her "one true love and they're soulmates". Mind you we've also got Bunny Boiler Enid because Jonathon is her one true love and they're going to get married and live happily ever after so naturally she changes her whole image for him - not that he's even noticed her!! Enid's all poor me, Jonathan hasn't noticed her, Liz is too busy hanging around with Maria to spend time with her so she ditches Liz. Liz is super annoying in this one though still moping over Joey and stringing Todd along until he sees the light (or rather, Liz with Joey!) and seemingly dumps her at the end. Mind you, he's annoying too dressing like Jonathon along with half the school it seems. 3.5 stars probably seems like I thought it was a bit meh, I didn't - I took a star off for the squirrel as I didn't think it was necessary especially in what is essentially a kid's book!!!!!
I did enjoy this book for the most part and I know it's fiction but I'm pretty sure that when I was 16, if I'd found a dead body (not that i'd have jumped in a bin to try and find an earring) my parents wouldn't have let me leave the house. Anyhoo, Bunny Boiler Jess is back because Jonathon is her "one true love and they're soulmates". Mind you we've also got Bunny Boiler Enid because Jonathon is her one true love and they're going to get married and live happily ever after so naturally she changes her whole image for him - not that he's even noticed her!! Enid's all poor me, Jonathan hasn't noticed her, Liz is too busy hanging around with Maria to spend time with her so she ditches Liz. Liz is super annoying in this one though still moping over Joey and stringing Todd along until he sees the light (or rather, Liz with Joey!) and seemingly dumps her at the end. Mind you, he's annoying too dressing like Jonathon along with half the school it seems. 3.5 stars probably seems like I thought it was a bit meh, I didn't - I took a star off for the squirrel as I didn't think it was necessary especially in what is essentially a kid's book!!!!!
October 21, 2023
For the second of this year's Halloween nostalgic re-reads, Marian and I chose the SVH vampire mini-arc. I stopped reading SVH in real time about ten books before this one came out. I'm pretty sure this is the first Post-#100 mini series that I bought. Who can resist the idea of vampires in the Valley?! I know I couldn't, LOL, though I can't say a lot of the storyline has stuck with me. I remembered that Jessica adopted a kitten, and Enid went full-on goth, but that was about it.
As it turns out, there are really 3 threads of storylines present. The first is some MAJOR hangover from the previous "Camp Killer" miniseries. Lila is going on and on (and on) about her wealthy boyfriend Bo Creighton, who sounds like the East Coast's answer to Bruce Patman, with bonus close French ancestry. Jessica spares one or two thoughts for her camp boyfriend, too, but the one who's really hung up on it is Elizabeth. She fell in love with some dude named Joey at camp and is currently questioning her love for Todd, especially after Joey sends Liz a letter and tells her that he's transferring from Yale to UCLA. Liz is a complete asshole about this whole situation, really: she doesn't want to break up with Todd, but can't stop thinking about Joey. Typical teenager stuff but it gets pretty grating, pretty quickly.
Storyline #2 is a retread of classic canon (#29 Bitter Rivals). Maria Slater and Liz reunited at camp and Maria has returned to the Valley after her career as a child star. Maria and Liz are so busy bonding over their past (and their camp experiences) that poor Enid feels left out. Unlike Bitter Rivals, however, Enid basically does a 180 and completely changes her life, once she meets Storyline #3. She goes full-on goth in style, including long black fake fingernails. Her grades start to drop. She blows Liz and Maria off. She starts stalking Jonathan Cain, believing him to be her One True Love, and oh, if only he'd notice her, they could run off together and be happy. Enid gets really obsessed over this idea, and loses all sense of self.
She's not alone. Storyline #3 is the arrival of the mysterious Jonathan Cain, who wears black leather pants, is rude to everyone, and went to school all over the world. He's introduced at an assembly, so everyone gets a good look at him, and most of the girls fall in love instantly. He has long dark hair, navy blue eyes, blood-red lips, and super pale skin. Even preTwilight this was the prototypical description of a modern-day vampire. Given that we have little POVs from some unnamed human craving human blood and trying to satiate itself with small woodland creatures, the ghostie isn't exactly being subtle with the foreshadowing.
The assembly at which Jonathan is introduced was not called in his honor. No, the weekend before, Jessica and Lila found a dead body in the dumpster behind the Dairi Burger. They were searching through the garbage for Jessica's lost heirloom diamond earring and instead find the body of a Palisades High student who seems to have lost all of his blood. They are properly freaked out, of course. Jessica also notices a kitten in a nearby tree that's basically having a fit, but decides said kitten is too cute for words and immediately adopts her.
After the initial discovery of the body, the murder is basically thrown aside. Even when a second dead body shows up near Secca Lake, there doesn't seem to be much attention given to it. The SVHers are all obsessed with the new guy and copying his style (even Todd is wearing all black; Enid at one point hopes that her little group becomes a cult), the parents are of course nowhere to be seen, and Liz doesn't like Jonathan because aside from all the feels she's having about Joey and Todd, she is creeped out by Jonathan.
Jonathan is attracted to Jessica (who is chasing him almost as hard as Enid, but doing a much better job of it) but doesn't want to be anywhere near her. He warns Liz to keep her twin away from him. He shows up when Jessica's cat is up a tree, and the cat has a hissing fit around him, which he tries to warn her is another sign to stay away. But the more he pushes her away, the more she wants to get close to him.
Aside from the echo of Bitter Rivals, there is more classic cannon call-back to #5 Dangerous Love, as Jessica hops on Jonathan's motorcycle for a joyride without a care in the world. This made me raise an eyebrow, because Elizabeth's motorcycle accident was such a huge storyline back in the day, but to give the ghostie justice, they did actually mention the Wakefields' hard and fast rule, and Liz's accident. Jessica even spares a thought for one of her Tragically Dead Boyfriends, but she doesn't let that stop her in pursuing her new target.
At the end of this book, we have: Jessica sneaking out and going to Jonathan's home uninvited; Enid heading the same way (unbeknownst to either of them); and Liz in the arms of her camp boyfriend Joey, just as Todd arrives at her house to help her search for Jessica.
As far as late-canon SVH is concerned, this was okay. All of the mini-series post Evil Twin are ridiculous, so its not like there's a critically high standard to meet. There is no suspense (no one cares about the dead teenagers). The collective obsession with Jonathan is annoying - I think I would've found it stupid even if I had read this as a kid. Elizabeth is unrecognizable from classic canon, and she's acting like a real jerk to everyone for basically no reason. I don't blame Enid for dumping her, even if Enid herself is acting especially pathetic. I can't helping thinking - whatever happened to Jeffrey French? He once held sway over all these girls, too (even Jessica, if you accept the Secret Diaries as canon). He'd have been formidable competition for the enigmatic Jonathan if he was still around.
As it turns out, there are really 3 threads of storylines present. The first is some MAJOR hangover from the previous "Camp Killer" miniseries. Lila is going on and on (and on) about her wealthy boyfriend Bo Creighton, who sounds like the East Coast's answer to Bruce Patman, with bonus close French ancestry. Jessica spares one or two thoughts for her camp boyfriend, too, but the one who's really hung up on it is Elizabeth. She fell in love with some dude named Joey at camp and is currently questioning her love for Todd, especially after Joey sends Liz a letter and tells her that he's transferring from Yale to UCLA. Liz is a complete asshole about this whole situation, really: she doesn't want to break up with Todd, but can't stop thinking about Joey. Typical teenager stuff but it gets pretty grating, pretty quickly.
Storyline #2 is a retread of classic canon (#29 Bitter Rivals). Maria Slater and Liz reunited at camp and Maria has returned to the Valley after her career as a child star. Maria and Liz are so busy bonding over their past (and their camp experiences) that poor Enid feels left out. Unlike Bitter Rivals, however, Enid basically does a 180 and completely changes her life, once she meets Storyline #3. She goes full-on goth in style, including long black fake fingernails. Her grades start to drop. She blows Liz and Maria off. She starts stalking Jonathan Cain, believing him to be her One True Love, and oh, if only he'd notice her, they could run off together and be happy. Enid gets really obsessed over this idea, and loses all sense of self.
She's not alone. Storyline #3 is the arrival of the mysterious Jonathan Cain, who wears black leather pants, is rude to everyone, and went to school all over the world. He's introduced at an assembly, so everyone gets a good look at him, and most of the girls fall in love instantly. He has long dark hair, navy blue eyes, blood-red lips, and super pale skin. Even preTwilight this was the prototypical description of a modern-day vampire. Given that we have little POVs from some unnamed human craving human blood and trying to satiate itself with small woodland creatures, the ghostie isn't exactly being subtle with the foreshadowing.
The assembly at which Jonathan is introduced was not called in his honor. No, the weekend before, Jessica and Lila found a dead body in the dumpster behind the Dairi Burger. They were searching through the garbage for Jessica's lost heirloom diamond earring and instead find the body of a Palisades High student who seems to have lost all of his blood. They are properly freaked out, of course. Jessica also notices a kitten in a nearby tree that's basically having a fit, but decides said kitten is too cute for words and immediately adopts her.
After the initial discovery of the body, the murder is basically thrown aside. Even when a second dead body shows up near Secca Lake, there doesn't seem to be much attention given to it. The SVHers are all obsessed with the new guy and copying his style (even Todd is wearing all black; Enid at one point hopes that her little group becomes a cult), the parents are of course nowhere to be seen, and Liz doesn't like Jonathan because aside from all the feels she's having about Joey and Todd, she is creeped out by Jonathan.
Jonathan is attracted to Jessica (who is chasing him almost as hard as Enid, but doing a much better job of it) but doesn't want to be anywhere near her. He warns Liz to keep her twin away from him. He shows up when Jessica's cat is up a tree, and the cat has a hissing fit around him, which he tries to warn her is another sign to stay away. But the more he pushes her away, the more she wants to get close to him.
Aside from the echo of Bitter Rivals, there is more classic cannon call-back to #5 Dangerous Love, as Jessica hops on Jonathan's motorcycle for a joyride without a care in the world. This made me raise an eyebrow, because Elizabeth's motorcycle accident was such a huge storyline back in the day, but to give the ghostie justice, they did actually mention the Wakefields' hard and fast rule, and Liz's accident. Jessica even spares a thought for one of her Tragically Dead Boyfriends, but she doesn't let that stop her in pursuing her new target.
At the end of this book, we have: Jessica sneaking out and going to Jonathan's home uninvited; Enid heading the same way (unbeknownst to either of them); and Liz in the arms of her camp boyfriend Joey, just as Todd arrives at her house to help her search for Jessica.
As far as late-canon SVH is concerned, this was okay. All of the mini-series post Evil Twin are ridiculous, so its not like there's a critically high standard to meet. There is no suspense (no one cares about the dead teenagers). The collective obsession with Jonathan is annoying - I think I would've found it stupid even if I had read this as a kid. Elizabeth is unrecognizable from classic canon, and she's acting like a real jerk to everyone for basically no reason. I don't blame Enid for dumping her, even if Enid herself is acting especially pathetic. I can't helping thinking - whatever happened to Jeffrey French? He once held sway over all these girls, too (even Jessica, if you accept the Secret Diaries as canon). He'd have been formidable competition for the enigmatic Jonathan if he was still around.
July 31, 2021
Peak SVH
Okay so the past few books are PEAK SVH. it’s kind of like “this is what you came for”. This one, in particular, reminds me of Passions, the tv show with tabitha the witch and little Timmy. I love that there’s another serial killer/ vampire after we just sort of had a serial axe murderer in the camp killer mini series and there was a “werewolf” like only a few backs back. Honestly, these twins - especially Jessica who’s had three boyfriends die - but you know as everyone in SV says, just get over it and date someone else. I’m sure it’s not tragic at all to lose three boyfriends (one killed by her twin, one murdered by a psycho not-twin twin, and one killed in a West Side Story thing) in the space of a few months or anything.
But like I said, it’s peak SVH and this is what I came for, so five stars!
Okay so the past few books are PEAK SVH. it’s kind of like “this is what you came for”. This one, in particular, reminds me of Passions, the tv show with tabitha the witch and little Timmy. I love that there’s another serial killer/ vampire after we just sort of had a serial axe murderer in the camp killer mini series and there was a “werewolf” like only a few backs back. Honestly, these twins - especially Jessica who’s had three boyfriends die - but you know as everyone in SV says, just get over it and date someone else. I’m sure it’s not tragic at all to lose three boyfriends (one killed by her twin, one murdered by a psycho not-twin twin, and one killed in a West Side Story thing) in the space of a few months or anything.
But like I said, it’s peak SVH and this is what I came for, so five stars!
June 24, 2023
wanted to relieve my childhood and chose this miniseries randomly bc supposedly Sweet Valley High gets a vampire. I had the entire OG set growing up but hadn’t read them in probably 20 years.
it’s exactly how I remembered it; dumb idiotic high schoolers but it’s campy and fun and perfect for reading at the pool during my lizard time. on to part two!
it’s exactly how I remembered it; dumb idiotic high schoolers but it’s campy and fun and perfect for reading at the pool during my lizard time. on to part two!
September 8, 2020
Good read.
I used to read these books as a teenager and decided to read again. I still enjoyed the story no matter how far fetched the plot may seem. The only issue was there were quite a bit of typos.
I used to read these books as a teenager and decided to read again. I still enjoyed the story no matter how far fetched the plot may seem. The only issue was there were quite a bit of typos.
Read
December 20, 2023Fun and deliciously cheesy, just like I remembered.
June 9, 2019
This reread of a series that I loved as a kid, my damn there were some ISSUES. Lol it's a trashy read but still a series I plan to finish for nostalgia's sake.
April 4, 2013
I can't possibly go back and rate every single Sweet Valley Book that I read, but this 3-book series (#126-128) stands out as one of my favorites in the whole Sweet Valley line. I can't remember a lot of the details, because I haven't read it in over 15 years, but I remember having chills about the mysterious Jonathan Cain.
August 15, 2023
The more outrageous the plot, the better the Sweet Valley High book is. Elizabeth was particularly annoying in this one though.
January 13, 2025
Literally insane.
August 30, 2008
This book is amazing i can't wait to start on the next one
June 21, 2013
I remember the cover just not the story.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews