Re Marriage at His Convenience - Jacqueline Baird brings a hilarious Typhoon of Tackiness to this HPlandia adventure.
The premise of this is that the young, college student h has an affair with the big time businessman Greek H. She is massively in love and he was her first.
But after a few years together, the H ends up dumping her for a nice Greek virgin that his grandfather wants for the family dynasty and the H wants in the course of a business merger.
To make matters worse, the h gets invited to the engagement party and is presented as the girlfriend of the H's gay brother - she is USED as a cover to fool grandfather while her live in lover H is getting engaged to another woman.
Then, after that bombshell of domestic disruption, the H STILL has a lurve club event with her before kicking her out of his life- seemingly forever.
The h is heartbroken for four years, but in the interim manages to get her business degree, become a high powered broker and reunite with her sewer slurping father who couldn't be bothered to acknowledge his former temporary bedwarmer's child until she had proven herself as a successful adult.
(There is also a touching scene where the h is at a party that the H and his new bride are at and the h gets stuck baby sitting the 'pure Greek virgin' as she drugs up in the ladies room. )
This is all a cue for the re-emergence of the H four years later. He is now single and his gay brother has died and left his company shares to the h. The h never bothers to check on how many shares she actually inherits, mainly cause the H is all over her and insisting they have to marry to keep his company viable.
The H is an utter jerk about this too, he calmly berates and belittles the h for daring to reject his pathetic advances. The h manages to get some seriously funny verbal snark in, but that doesn't keep her from having a major lurve club event with the H.
She does refuse to marry him tho, she is okay with just a boudoir bounce on occasion. Four years of celibacy was really hard on her, but no one else lights her flame - in Classic HPlandia Style.
So the H pulls out the JB stock hammer to nail the h with - he decides to blackmail her. It turns out the h's newly discovered half brother is a crook, Bernie Maddox style. If the h doesn't marry the H, he will reveal the half brother duplicity to the world, thus ruining the h's newly discovered father's merchant bank.
(It was at this point that I kinda felt the h deserved what she got. Mainly because other people were being defrauded by a scum gulping nematode slime parasite and the h never gave one thought to the damage the man was doing - she just wanted him not to be exposed and was willing to allow his frauds to continue hurting innocent HP denizens.)
The h agrees to marry the H and it is off to Greece we go for the wedding. Which leads us to the funniest part of the book. The H tells the h he has a surprise for her and the h replies that she hopes it is the same one as last time - the H is marrying someone else.
The H is pretty non-pulsed by her bitterness, but as soon as they get on the plane, we learn that the H got her whole newly discovered family on board with the wedding and the h doesn't feel there is any way out, she had little family in her past and really cherishes the slime sewage she has now.
So the h makes the best of the situation and decides that since the H is now widowed, she can take the opportunity to make a good marriage- the H might even come to love her, but probably not as much as he loved his first wife. They marry and have a lurve clubathon honeymoon on the H's yacht - including tacky lurve club moments on the deck rails.
The h and H then settle down on the H's private island and the h works remotely. When the H overhears a conversation between the h and a former wanna be OM about a party for the h's birthday, he goes ballistic and storms off, leaving a trail of misogynistic and nasty remarks about the h's Tarty Tramp ways in his wake.
The h has her standard HP mopey moment and then decides she will ditch her birth control and give the H the heir he keeps demanding. So the h trails off to Athens to confront the H. Where she learns that the H is NOT widowed - as she believed he said he was. His ex-wife is quite healthy, pregnant and married to her rehab doctor and is happily greeting the h after her cozy visit with the H.
The h correctly assumes that the H is in competition mode with his ex and since the h herself has some status and is no longer just a sex companion and bed warmer, the H figured she was okay enough to pump and then dump after he got his heir.
The h totally erupts in a Typhonic Fury of Rage, she storms into the H's office and proceeds to verbally flay him in one of JB's best h smackdowns ever. The H realizes that his goose is seriously cooked and he may NEVER get his much desired heir.
The h slaps him in the face and calls him a snot snarfing slime swiller for thinking she is nothing more than an easy lay and she is finally, finally dumping his arrogant, snobby, sewer slurping hiney.
The h is magnificent, until she starts crying and the H roofie kisses her and tells her that really, he has always loved her.
He claims his mother was a drug addict with no time for him and his childhood baggage made him dump the very career focused h, whose massive love force mojo stamina reminded him of his mother.
Then we learn that his ex wife was no virgin, she would do anything and anybody for drugs. The H's baby with her was stillborn because of the drug use and the H probably had to take a lot of serious antibiotics for all the social diseases he contracted. He divorced wife number one as soon as her father died - but he still looks after her finances.
The H saw the h taking her birth control pills and thought she was a drug addict and freaked out. But now he claims he really loves her and he bought her an English Manor near her newly discovered father as an added incentive.
The h knows that she is in a JB HP adventure and that there are NO OTHER OPTIONS. She tells the H she believes his kinda sorta declaration of true love until the mojo wears off and we leave them taking off for more yacht deck rail special mojo moments for a highly hysterical HEA.
I have to admit, this is one is utterly and completely TACKY, but it is so full of verbal snark and both these two are so farcically classic HP stereotypes that I always have a wildly funny time with this book.
HPlandia rules are usually for the h, but there is the little known HPlandia rule #953 Greek HP H's sometimes have to marry HP OW because they're GREEK and their grandpa's said so.
This is a seldom invoked Get Out of HP H jail clause and may be invoked anytime an HP author needs a seriously coprophagic Greek Hero excuse to bamboozle a poor, former unicorn grooming h into a real HPlandia HEA.
My original thoughts on this one follow below and after reading this one for the gadzillonth time, I still hold them to be true today.
I know everybody hates this one but srsly peeps - a girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do to get her some, the poor thing was withering under the lash of celibacy and wanted at least one more time before death - it wasn't like the HP fairy was going to bring her anybody else.
Remember this is HPlandia and HP rules apply - she was a virgin, she was dumped, she had no hope of new romance - the girl was normal in her drives too, so I totally get she had to take the lurve club while it was available, I supported that choice.
There was no need to actually go around declaring true lurve forever tho, she should just kept him as her boy toy and pimped him out for female clients occasionally. That is why I only gave it four stars, but it is still a very funny HP day at the office.