Burn My Shadow: A Selective Memory of an X-Rated Life

by Tyler Knight

Burn My Shadow follows the porn career of Tyler Knight, a black porn star who stars mainly in porn for couples. A star that breaks all stereotypes and barriers, Knight's story is one of race and sexuality that pushes the boundaries of what is thought of porn and porn stars. Tyler Knight is a one of a kind star, and this is his story.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

328 pages, Paperback

Published November 29, 2016

Reviews

[Brandon Tietz · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are two types of porno memoir. The first is where the talent regurgitates all their best stories to a tape recorder so a ghostwriter can package their exploits into readable prose. The second—and more commendable—is where the talent actually puts in the time and effort to write their own book. "Burn My Shadow" is a shining example of the second type. I know Tyler wrote his own book because he was on the Chuck Palahniuk forum boards back in 2010 sharing excerpts from his blog. It was way before he was seriously pursuing literary agents or a publishing deal. Even then, I knew he was on to something. We all knew it because this guy wasn’t just writing transgressive fiction a la "Fight Club" and "Snuff" and the like—he had actually experienced it. Tyler had been living in the trenches, and the realness of his exploits made the stuff I had been reading seem light by comparison. Make no mistake, this memoir is unlike any memoir you’ll ever read—pornographic or otherwise. Tyler is not the blonde bombshell starlet living a charmed life of free drugs and bottle service. He’s a black man fucking on camera just to pay the bills. He’s racially disparaged—both within and outside of the industry. Tyler shows us the dark side of porn, devoid of soft lighting and fantasy. STDs, insufficient funds, and the threat of his girlfriend ditching him for a normal guy loom at all times. Of course, the pornographic parts are the anchor of the book. Sometimes arousing. Other times, a fecal-speckled car crash of slippery genitals. As expected, Tyler nails all these scenes with an authenticity that can’t be matched. What will keep readers tuned in though is Tyler’s heart and inner-monologue as he tries to survive in an industry rigged against him. “The struggle is real,” as the kids say, and this book runs us through the physical and emotional gamut. This easily could have been just another book of banal porn tales. I commend Knight for giving us more than that and welcome him with open arms into the literary fold.

[Benji · Rating 5 out of 5]

Might have benefited from coming to this book with no preconceived ideas, something that's fitting for reading about a person's life. A person doesn't know what's around the corner and from the first pages we're there looking over Knight's shoulder, seeing what he sees and just as destabilized. Even when things seem to be going well, we never know if the next scene will be his first or last. As the industry changes around him, as his body's tolerance grows and his medications double, it's not guaranteed that there will be another call, and that tension persists throughout this *fast* 300 page book. To me reading this book you can begin to understand what a precarious existence he lived, and yet one way or another he manages to thread the needle (pun intended).

A writer having lived these exploits could easily have filled this work with a surface-level retelling focused on the most lurid details, and yes this book has that and yes that's why many fans might choose to pick it from the shelf to buy, but Knight has much more of a story to tell than that. His passion for reflection and literature is clear on each page. You can tell a great deal of effort went into finding the mot juste and that he is drawing on a big reservoir of language and grey matter. This is a work that wasn't written in a hurry, but you can tell these experiences--alternating between joyful, harrowing, revolting, suspenseful, and sometimes all four at once(!), showing how his need for survival took precedence over his ambivalence time and again--have been continuously relitigated in his mind ever since they first happened. In the memoir you're there with him, thinking through all these things with him, weighing different options and then anxiously waiting with him to see what might be the consequences.

The book is very honest, whether channeling his rage and despair or showing the big successes and weaknesses. In a way, it's as much us the leering reader ogling through the window as it is him inviting one to see, and he uses that power dynamic to tell us what he really thinks, like it or not. For the first hundred pages it's difficult for us to know how much he enjoyed any of this. The focus seems to be the paycheck and the girls secondary. Then he'd have these superlatively blissful encounters, rare enough, when he and the person with him are able to break through the clouds and have an ecstatic moment of connection. At those points you're happy and jealous, but then another few pages and this uneasy peace is rent again by turmoil.

While reading this, I was in the midst of preparing for the Army PT test and weigh-in. In such moments you're most aware of how Big Army owns your body and you better do what you must, if only to keep them off your back. As a military musician, however, I was also aware that I was in this position from having made a devil's bargain: I do what I love for a living, all the while knowing there'd always be a fly in the ointment. It'll never be a perfect gig but it's a gig, and many times will come where you hate the parts of the bargain that are so far removed from playing music. Carrying a plastic container to the men's room while a Sergeant watches you pee, all the while knowing that there's no avoiding this. But then you get the moments where the crowd is singing along with you, you and the drummer are locked in and a handful of people are moved to tears. Before accepting the job, I had the thought : you say you'll do anything to be able to play guitar for a living. Well, are you willing to go to war? If you say yes to the first but not to the second, then you were never serious and were only kidding yourself. All of these concerns and themes appeared again in the book as I was living them in my own way in my life, and so that made the book doubly satisfying.

By the end of the book you realize that the book was only nominally about the porn industry, and instead it's a story of being alive.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had me from the moment I began reading it. The taboo subject matter itself is intriguing and was enough to draw me in. The life of a top shelf porn actor in the waning heyday of non-amateur porn. If you've ever wondered what that life is like you will wonder no more. He doesn't try to sugarcoat any of it; his stories are told with brutal, self-effacing honesty. As a reader, we become a fly on the wall and see what goes into a production. Everything is covered here: the girls, HIV scares, performance issues, to competition with other male actors. It's all there, warts and all. I'll be honest; it's a lot less glamorous than it would appear to be.


We see the struggles he faces as he tries to keep a 'normal' relationship with a woman who I say has the patience of Job. She sticks with him through everything. She accepts what he does for a living (but doesn't like it) and waits for him to get out eventually leveling the ultimatum at him. As crazy as it sounds I felt for him as he tries to enter the 'normal' work-force. The job he gets outside of porn is more seedy and dirty than his porn gig.

Writing this book was a therapy session for him. Everything he writes has a purpose to it. There were many parts of the book where I laughed hard; he has a good sense of humor. Near the end, he tells a few stories from his childhood. I just wanted to hug that child and tell him everything was going to be OK; I could feel myself choking up as I read it.

Overall, this was a very entertaining read, and I was honored to receive an ARC copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Reilly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got my copy in the mail and have finished it in 24 hours, the book is engaging from start to finish.

Descriptive writing that stimulates the senses, Knight possesses a bizarrely unique skill for elaboration that shows the disease of his genius:

"An unholy stench of slaughtered cows suspended in a vat of mayonnaise left to turn in the desert leaps out of her exposed cavity and slaps my face like a dame in a Bogart movie".

Both disgusted and amused, you find yourself rooting for Knight as the underdog trying to tread water in the undertow of the porn industry.There is an amazing ability Knight holds that allows him to convincingly transport readers between the ho-hum normalcy of a wholesome reality into the world of porn which is at times vile and anything but normal without forcing readers to become judgmental or question his moral character.

The issues of race, how it impacts Knight, extends beyond the twisted fetish of porn production studios and onto the streets. Knight does not shy away from shining light on the ever present prejudice in the industry and on the streets of a supposedly progressive Los Angeles. The glimpse into Knights personal life show the compartmentalized and shattered reality of exsisting in an industry that seemingly feeds on the destruction of any normal human experience while its victims clasp to hold on to the simplest things commonly taken for granted.

Highly recommended, it is a captivating story and speaks to the culture of the porn industry and one mans struggle to find identity.

[Rob · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I started to read this book, I first thought it would be chapter after chapter of humorous, gross or interesting tales from porn sets; boy was I wrong!

Don't misunderstand me, yes this book revolves around the porn industry, and it's seedy underbelly, but about a quarter way through, the on-set stories became less of the main focus and more of a vehicle to drive the story about a man who, despite having an unusual job, is looking for what we are all seeking; respect, love and an understanding of our place in the world.

Tyler/Erik has probably been naked for the world to see in thousands of onscreen appearances, yet from his writing you can tell that he's never been more naked and vulnerable as he is when telling his story. His honesty while weaving this incredible, yet sometimes horrific, tale of before, during and after his life in the business is filtered through a lens of self-deprecating humor and raw emotional honesty that had me determined to read just one more chapter till I realized I had finished this book in two sittings.

Honestly, this book is not for the feint of heart, those that have a weak stomach, or those that are easily offended; but just like anything in life, if you can see past the ugly, grimy and disgusting parts there is truly something well worth it and beautiful underneath.

[RICH R · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished reading this book and it is a great read! Very interesting and filled with many stories that make you want to keep reading.

I had no clue what I was getting myself into when I picked up this book, but I'm glad I have it because its amazing!

Each time I put the book down after long reading sessions, I kept thinking about how great of a book it was, its all I could think about during my entire day. I was actually excited to get back to the book to read more to see what else was in store.

This will no doubt be remembered as a masterpiece and its an extremely well written book that I plan to hold on to and reread it in the future.

I highly recommend Burn My Shadow by Tyler Knight!

[Steve · Rating 5 out of 5]

I binge-read this book in 24 hours and only wish there was more!

Tyler has a wonderful writing prose that engages his audience. Flipping the pages you are transported through exploits of his porn career as well as the personal struggles he faces.

It's a motivational story that makes you cringe your face one second and then caresses your brain with a wonderful metaphor or thought the next.

If you're looking for a fun and engaging read look no further!

[Trey · Rating 5 out of 5]

While Burn My Shadow is not for the faint of heart, it is much more than just a book about the life of a porn star. It covers a little over a decade in the life of a man who has been where few come back from, both physically and mentally. It is at once incredibly somber, as well as oddly inspirational. Certainly a book well worth reading, and one I will surely revisit in years to come.

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was magnificent. The flow was spot on and kept me engaged. Just enough behind the scenes of porn, but what really stood out were the unflinching reflections the author revealed. I'm glad I read this. Thank you.

[Wes · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was an interesting read for sure and that's based on the nature of Tyler Knight's career in pornography. I was told about this book by a friend who share some of the same ideals that I do concerning racism in certain spaces. One of those spaces happens to be racism in the porn industry and on dating sites specifically for men. We are both black men but from 2 different age groups with me being younger and he being older. Something that I speak about to a great deal is racial fetishism and how the porn industry has normalized certain tropes that black men are cast as in mainstream porn. All of those tropes are problematic in that they present black men as hyper-sexual, hyper-masculine, aggressive, menacing, etc. The whole myth of the BBC is racist in itself because it reduces black men to nothing but a body part and does not require that their humanity be recognized. Those tropes and images become fetishes for the mainstream audience who just so happen to be people that are not black. Those tropes that are fetishized in porn are also feared in reality. Other issues I have with the porn industry and the harm they have done to the black man is that they are misleading people globally into believing that all black men are alike and that they are somehow different from the "norm." So in a sense all black men have to fit the stereotypes that the fetishists love. A lot of porn is racist and Tyler Knight briefly touches on this because he was often paired in interracial love scenes where he was basically a prop and was often told by his female co-stars that they charge more for interracial scenes or they simply don't do them. I kind of cringed that he would still go through with such scenes simply because he was broke and needed the money. With so much black male talent in the industry you'd think those guys would get together and demand change. Other issues is that the only genres (with black talent) that are pushed by mainstream pornographers are interracial and BBC. Seems to me that the porn industry has an agenda and is pushing certain narratives that ultimately harm black people as a collective.

[John Raptor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tyler Knight chronicles his adventures in LA’s Silicone Valley: working his way from a lowly mope (in the infamous “Bukkake” story) to a full-fledged porn star. On the way, he faces seedy characters, such as a director who wants to have a white woman call him the N word during a scene. It’s not racist, the director argues; it’s porn!

The industry can be degrading (some passages made me gag) and negligent of its workers’ health and safety. But how is this different from many other jobs? At an office job, a man dies of a heart attack but no one stops to help him—time is money, after all.

Tyler writes with a minimalist style that reminds me of Bret Easton Ellis and Chuck Palahniuk—but Tyler makes it his own. He really knows how to construct a scene and put you in the “middle of the action,” so to speak.

Burn my Shadow has a lot of gross-out moments and pornographic scenes, but ultimately it’s a very inspiring book about the human struggle. Loved the ending.

[Ruz El · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5/5

I've read a few porn star bios and this one is one of the best. Knight does an amazing job of not only telling the shocking stories that are pretty typical of the genre, but he humanizes them remarkably well. Being a POC performer, I found this one kind of upsetting. Interracial porn is inherently racist and seeing the industry do nothing to try to temper that racism with the performers is frankly surprising. Knight is an open wound of a writer, holding back nothing in telling of his experiences and coming from a male perspective it really is eye opening just how objectified the talent is with very little areas of "empowerment" to escape to that may be found with female performers. Overall, I found Knights story kind of heartbreaking, and I hope he's found some peace.

[Peyton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so revealing. I kind of want to hug the author and tell him it’s all okay. So much is going on in the book. There are high moments and low and the whole this is a rollercoaster. I have some many questions!! This book is definitely going to stay with me for a long while. I’m glad I got to read about a lifestyle we are not normally given raw exposure to. It’s heartbreaking.

[Joshua Hutchinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Read.

I've had this book on my read list for years and finally purchased it just a few days ago. I'm mad at myself for not buying it sooner. It is a great, unique read. I look forward to reading his fictional book.

[Jeremy Bagai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite a memoir. The least appealing (most honest?) depiction of porn-work I've encountered. Reading took some endurance.

Hard to rate: Five stars for soul-baring; One star for pleasantness?

If the industry matters to you, you'll want to read this one.

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

well written and bleak and funny

[Elbrozzie]

Did not like this book. Felt 0 sympathy/interest in Knight. Kept scanning for redemption and found none.

[Jonathan Strom · Rating 5 out of 5]

This author had an amazing career in pornography. He is VERY smart and breaks so many stereotypes of race and pornographic actors. Very interesting insight into his life.

[Voodoo Chicken · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book takes the reader to places he or she may not be comfortable with and forces us to view life through an unconventional lens. Without getting too philosophical, I would argue that this is the purpose of all art. It might be easy to dismiss this book as a pornographer's tale, but this is also a human being's tale. A human being just like you or I but one who happens to perform sex acts on film for a living.

Pornographic actors and actresses are real people with lives beyond the seedy movie sets of California's "porn valley". They have loved ones and bills to pay. They struggle with addiction, mental health, and loss. They continue to live their lives even after the ten minute clips of gratuitous sex we are all secretly familiar with have ended. In this book, Tyler Knight takes us past our closed bedroom doors and exposes the intimate details of his personal life outside the camera's field of vision. Here we see pornography simply as a job. A bizarre world where emotions are temporarily put on hold during acts of physical intimacy in order to survive. A world where loved ones are willing to risk everything in order to remain by your side while you stand naked and exposed to the world.

In a lot of ways, we created Tyler Knight. We demanded he strip naked and perform for our gratification. It's a testament to his character that he is not only able to provide what we demand, but also break through the fourth wall and relate to us on a personal level as well. All this despite our persistent attempts to objectify his naked body and reduce his life to nothing more than a string of gratuitous sex clips for our personal gratification.

You may have never heard of Tyler Knight. You may have never seen a pornographic film in your life. But you are a human being and if you want to explore human nature in all it's many forms, you need to read this book. Be warned, your views on pornography and human nature may be forever changed as a result. But that's a good thing. We need to challenge ourselves in order to grow as individuals and this book will definitely challenge you.

[Stephanie Sawyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having never read anything on this topic, I started reading about Tyler Knight's memoirs with an open mind. Overall, this memoir was fascinating, although not for the feint of heart. Right out of the gate you are thrust into a graphic, behind the scenes look at what regular people might call an audition. Tyler's attention to detail is noted as little is left up to the imagination. That being said, I found that there was a disconnect between the topic and the writing style. Some chapters were written in a lofty, pretentious manner while other chapters felt more real. I also felt that Tyler assumed that we, the readers, would have a certain level of knowledge of the porn industry and proprietary terms. However, the behind the scenes looks did have me wanting to keep reading.

An enthralling read - I would definitely read more by this gifted writer.

[Curtis Meade · Rating 5 out of 5]

If this book were a comic book movie, it'd be Punisher Warzone. There are only brief glimpses into the backstory of this man, and what lead him to this course in his life, and those glimpses tell you that it's best not to ask THOSE questions. What these pages do provide is a series of gritty, harrowing tales of a man completing one sordid escapade after the other, while holding to the scant few codes of conduct the "glitzy" world of hardcore pornography left him. No stardust here, but Knight's superbly written book urges the reader on through the disgusting gouts of ropy effluvium towards the hope that his quest to find his identity in this cold, unfeeling world will be rewarded.

Repulsive, and life affirming.

[Steve Palmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite the controversial subject matter, I've always had a perverted curiosity about the adult film industry.  Tyler Knight's "Burn My Shadow" satisfies that curiosity with plenty of (sometimes graphic) behind the scenes stories and insight. But more than that, "Burn My Shadow" is the humanizing story of Erik (Tyler Knight) - just a guy with an unusual job who has the same doubts, fears and insecurities as anyone else. Tyler's writing style is engaging and his use of metaphors and colorful descriptions is masterful. He had me laughing out loud several times. If you are game for the subject matter I highly recommend.

[Michael Gonzalez · Rating 4 out of 5]

A work that is at once cinematic, gripping, and gut-wrenching. Knight takes readers on a journey into the intense feelings of isolation, exploitation, and the occasional highs that come in the adult film industry. It's a story that could have been told to evoke pity or revulsion or even empathy, but Knight chooses to vivisect his life, to lay it bare and let you read the entrails for yourself. His journey into self-discovery turns into self-improvement by way of self-destruction. What rises from the ashes is a man who is changed and ready to change again, whose focus has shifted from a dark past and uncertain future to the constantly burning present.

[Will · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite eye opening- being a male porn star is not everything one may think: all of the preparation, personality differences, disease risk, etc. are rarely considered. Knight dutifully describes all of the off scene action in addition to his "live feed" of whats going through his mind while filming.

While reading "Burn My Shadow" I felt: happy, sad, excited, aroused, concerned, scared, and grateful. Knight does a great job relaying his personal life and how it is affected from his on screen persona. Read this book- you will not be disappointed!

[Nolan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderfully written first book from Tyler Knight. Tyler has an incredibly engaging writing style that makes the book hard to put down. His brutally honest and self-depricating tales make you laugh one minute and cringe the next. If you were a fan of the Tucker Max books, I would highly suggest giving this book a go.

[Josh Athanas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book caught me flush on the jaw and I never saw it coming.
I expected the full on behind the scenes portrayal of shooting porn, but I never expected such an open, behind the scenes look at a porn stars life.

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a really entertaining look into the highs and (sometimes disgusting) lows of the porn business. Tyler has an excellent writing style, and this book was very hard to put down. I only wish it was longer!

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book is soooo good it numbs your brain as you get into the real story and expose of the authors life

[Anna Volk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Porn performers' autobiographies and memoirs present themselves as a completely separated literary and theoretical category, as they act as a double mirror for two perpendicular duplicities of personal vs private: just like porn is a "private moment" filmed to be watched, autobiographies and memoirs present an "intimate" facade of a public persona while it is being written to be read by someone else. On top of that, for narrating a clearly constructed identity – the pornographic one, opposite to the ‘civilian’ one carried out in daily life – autobiographies and memoirs written by pornographic performers could disappear in the gap between the definitions of autofiction and autobiographical narratives for reasons that set them apart from those which make up the bulk to autobiographical writings yearly published. It is because it unfolds in itself, twice constructed narratively, that these autobiographies and memoirs do a mirror play upon their own image, making it impossible for the spectator / reader to distinguish between what is the real image and what is a mere reflection, therefore generating a game of unending unfolding of false imagery which cannot be deciphered, making for a permanent transit between illusion, fiction, and realistic imagery, as it intentionally dissolves the boundaries between fictional and real.
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Tyler Knight opens Burn my shadow: a selective memory of an X-rated life already advising the reader that he is an unreliable narrator. He is aware of the impossibility of being trusted due to his proximity with the ‘facts’ to be narrated: his intention is not to function as a register nor as a token of a pornographic performer. On the contrary, Knights eliminates the gaps between performers and other professions, recovering ‘the human condition’ as the ‘line that unites us all’, regardless of any sorts of categorization.
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However, through his writing Knights sets himself apart from the vast majority of autobiographical authors, independently of their profession. The 23 chapters of Burn my shadow present the reader with independent façades of a same industry through a narrative that is precise and sharp as a surgical scalpel, making the scenes bleed copiously and without mercy. Knight is relentless in his falsely candid approach to the pornographic industry, its participants, the referential dimension in the specific discourse of pornographic literature (MAINGUENEAU, 2007) secured by the two main requirements to place a discourse as pornographic: the configural dimension, which allows the reader to easily picture the scene; and the ‘euphoric affections’ dispersed throughout the many consciences in Knight’s writing. His language is an unapologetic performative spectacle, echoing the sexual aggressiveness expected from the derivation of the pornographic – in a narrative that does not deliver only the plenitude proposed by the pornographic device, but provides through void and descriptive scenes a metaconscience of the entire pornographic discourse. Between what is said and what is represented is a mirror play in which Knight’s narrator undresses the language of all ornaments which might hinder the eye and hide the hard cored truth, exposing the raw matter of his life just like pornography presents a basal sexuality through the unveiling and manipulation of bodies.
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Knight clearly cares about aesthetic function of his literature, therefore enabling it to migrate from the pornographic to the erotic – though it refuses to do so by complying with the structural format of pornography. In the gangbang scene, for example, he eliminates the heroic image of the self, expected by the doxa, by placing himself nameless, incognito, unidentified amidst all the other participants. The scene ends within the emptiness found in entire experience itself. And here lies one of the most valuable aspects of Burn my Shadow: it claims its place in the realm of pornographic writing while attentive to the aesthetic morality of the so called higher – erotic – literature unapologetically, because it is honest. Going against the debatable pornification of literature, Knight constructs his memoirs the other way around: by literalizing his pornographic self, turns his literary aphrodisiac (NIN, 1977) into porn poetry without rhymes.