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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are - Sidekick
You Need To Read This Book because this will help you dive deeper into the world of Brene Brown. Dr. Brene Brown has given readers yet another self-help book to wow audiences and transform readers' lives. She hasn't disappointed with her books in the past and The Gifts and Imperfections is no different. In this book she defines what it means to live a wholehearted life and then gives readers ten solid guideposts to incorporating wholehearted living into readers' lives. This sidekick explores the idea of wholehearted living on a deeper level and will help readers take Dr. Brown's self-help book and ask the questions she asks along with the ones her novel begs to be asked as well. This sidekick includes several guides to help readers explore Dr. Brown's concepts on more in-depth levels. Specifically this sidekick will help readers by giving them: Detailed chapter summaries to refresh and help readers recall important details An introduction to Dr. Brene Brown, her famous works and her background A thorough analysis of the themes Dr. Brown is trying to portray and teach through the book A comprehensive list of the challenges Dr. Brown extends to her readers through the book for easy reference A set of discussion questions and topics for both individuals and groups to consider as they read through the book and after completing the book Important discussion quotes for readers to find and reference A discussion on the writing style and structure of the book Disclaimer: This book serves as an accompaniment to the bestseller The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown. It is meant to broaden the reader's understanding of the book and to offer some insights which can easily be overlooked. You should order a copy of the actual book before reading this."
34 pages, Paperback
Published January 22, 2016
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November 25, 2025
I absolutely love this book! Favorite parts:
pages 50 & 51 are a must read!
Knowledge is important, but only if we’re being kind and gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are.
We cannot give our children what we don’t have.
People may call what happens at midlife "a crisis," but it's not. It's an unraveling a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're supposed" to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.
I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the greatest thing we will ever do.
Gifts like courage, compassion and connection only work when they are exercised every day.
I am enough. It is not a one time choice. It is a process. The journey of a lifetime.
Why does my need to fit in sabotage real belonging?
If you need to refuel and it fun and relaxing, then do it. If not, do something deliberately relaxing. Find something inspiring to do rather than soul sucking.
Courage sounds great, but we need to talk about how it requires us to let go of what other people think, and for most of us, that's scary.
Compassion is something we all want, but are we willing to look at why boundary-setting and saying no is a critical component of compassion? Are we willing to say no, even if we're disappointing someone? Belonging is an essential component of Wholehearted living, but first we have to cultivate self-acceptance.
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
Telling her daughter asking for what you need is one of the bravest things that you will ever do.
Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver. Our world could stand to be a little kinder and braver.
Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.
If we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior.
Instead of blame and anger, compassion and boundaries/consequences
Kinder but firmer
Setting boundaries and holding people accountable is a lot more work than shaming and blaming, but it is a lot more effective. When we shame and blame, it moves the focus from the original behavior in question to our own behavior. The key is to separate people from their behaviors-to address what their doing, not who they are.
Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.
~ MARGARET YOUNG Pg.49
The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted. We feel hopeful because being real is something we value. Most of us are drawn to warm, down-to-earth, honest people. and we aspire to be like that in our own lives. We feel exhausted because without even giving it too much thought, most of us know that choosing authenticity in a culture that dictates everything from how much we're supposed to weigh to what our houses are supposed to look like is a huge undertaking. Pg.50
Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well 1 accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused-What will they think? Pg. 56
Perfectionism never happens in a vacuum. It touches everyone around us. We pass it down to our children, we infect our workplace with impossible expectations, and it's suffocating for our friends and families. Thankfully, compassion also spreads quickly. When we're kind to our-selves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others. Our children learn how to be self-compassionate by watching us, and the people around us feel free to be authentic and connected. Pg.61
The vowel check: AEIOUY.
A = Have I been Abstinent today? (However you define that-
find it a little more challenging when it comes to things like food, work, and the computer.)
E = Have I Exercised today?
I = What have I done for myself today?
O = What have I done for Others today?
U = Am I holding on to Unexpressed emotions today?
Y = Yeah! What is something good that's happened today? Pg. 74
love and belonging go together. In order to feel a true sense of belonging, I need to bring the real me to the table, I can only do that if I'm practicing self-love. For years I thought it was the other way around: I'll do whatever it takes to fit in, I'lI feel accepted, and that will make me like myself better. (No wonder I was tired!) pg.77
Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we're too busy chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times we're so afraid of the dark that we don't let ourselves enjoy the light. A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable. A joyful life is made up of joyful moments pg. 80&81
for many, our first thought of the day is "I didn't get enough sleep." next is “I don't have enough time." True or not, that thought of not enough occurs automatically before we think to question or examine it. We spend our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don't have enough of. . . We don't have enough exercise, work, profits, power, wilderness, weekends, money. We're not thin enough, smart enough, pretty enough, fit enough, educated or successful enough, or rich enough. Before we even sit up in bed, we're already inadequate, already behind, losing, lacking something. And by the time we go to bed, our minds race with what we didn't get, or didn't get done. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to the reverie of lack. What begins as a simple expression of the hurried life, or challenged life, grows into justification for an unfulfilled life. It makes total sense why we're a nation hungry for joy: we're starving from a lack of gratitude. Lynne says that addressing scarcity doesn't mean searching for abundance but rather choosing a mind-set of sufficiency: We each have the choice in any setting to step back and let go of the mind-set of scarcity. Once we let go of scarcity, we discover the truth of sufficiency. By sufficiency, I don't mean a quantity of anything. Sufficiency isn't steps up from poverty or a step short of abundance. It isn't a measure of barely enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn't an amount. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and we are enough. Pg. 83
Many of us have bought into the idea that something has to be extraordinary if it's going to bring us joy. We seem to measure the value of people's contributions (and sometimes their entire lives) by their level of public recognition. In other words, worth is measured by fame and fortune. Our culture is quick to dismiss ordinary, hardworking men and women. In many instances, we equate ordinary with boring or, even more dangerous, meaningless. I think I learned the most about the value of ordinary from interviewing men and women who have experienced tremendous loss such as the loss of a child, violence and trauma. The memories that they held most sacred were the ordinary, everyday moments. It was clear that their most precious memories were forged from a collection of ordinary moments, and their hope is to stop long enough to be grateful for moments and the joy they bring. Marianne Williamson says, "Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are." Pg.84
Comparison is the thief of happiness pg.95
The only unique contribution we will make in this world will be born of our creativity pg. 96
Letting go of comparison is not a to-do list item. For most of us, it's something that requires constant awareness. It's so easy to take our eyes off our path to check out what others are doing and if they're ahead or behind us. Creativity, which is the expression of our originality, helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared. And, without comparison, concepts like ahead or behind or best or worst lose their meaning.
If creativity is seen as a luxury or something we do When we have spare time, it will never be cultivated. When I make creating a priority, everything in my life works better. Pg.97
Play shapes our brain, helps us foster empathy, helps us navigate complex social groups, and is at the core of creativity and innovation.
If you're wondering why play and rest are paired together in this guidepost, it's because after reading the research on play, I now understand that play is as essential to our health and functioning as rest. What exactly is play? Brown proposes seven properties of play, the first of which is that play is apparently purposeless. Basically this means that we play for the sake of play. We do it because it's fun and we want to. Well, this is where my work as a shame researcher comes in. In today's culture where our self-worth is tied to our net worth, and we base our worthiness on our level of productivity spending time doing purposeless activities is rare. In fact, for many of us it sounds like an anxiety attack waiting to happen. We've got so much to do and so little time that the idea of spending time doing anything unrelated to the to-do list actually creates stress. We convince ourselves that playing is a waste of precious time. We even convince ourselves that sleep is a terrible use of our time. Pg.100
Brown argues that play is not an option. In fact he writes, "The opposite of play is not work- the opposite of play is depression." He explains, "Respecting our biologically programmed need for play can transform work. It can bring back excitement and newness to our job and life. Play helps us deal with difficulties, provides a sense of expansiveness, promotes mastery, and is an essential part of the creative process. Most important, true play that comes from our own inner needs and desires is the only path to finding lasting joy and satisfaction in our work. In the long run, work does not work without play." What's shocking is the similarity between the biological need for play and our body's need for rest. It seems that living and loving with our whole hearts requires us to respect our bodies' need for renewal. When I first researched the ideas of rest, sleep, and sleep debt the term for not getting enough I couldn't believe some of the consequences of not getting proper rest. According to the Centers for Disease Control, insufficient sleep is associated with a number of chronic diseases and conditions, such as diabetes, heart disease, obesity, and depression. We're also learning that drowsy driving can be as dangerous and as preventable as driving while intoxicated. Yet, somehow we believe that exhaustion is a status symbol of hard work and sleep is a luxury. The result is that we are Dangerously tired. The same gremlins that tell us we're too busy to play and waste time fooling around are the ones that whisper: • "One more hour of work! You can catch up on your sleep this weekend.? • "Napping is for slackers." "Push through. You can handle it." Pg.101
We are a nation of exhausted and overstressed adults raising overscheduled children. We use our spare time to desperately search for joy and meaning in our lives. We think accomplishments and acquisitions will bring joy and meaning, but that pursuit is the very thing that's keeping us so tired and afraid to slow down. If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth. Making the choice to rest and play is, at best, counterculture. The decision to let go of exhaustion and productivity as badges of honor made total sense, but putting Wholeheartedness into practice has been a struggle for our family. We made a practical list of the things that make our family work. We basically answered the question, "When things are going really well in our family, what does it look like?" The answers included sleep, working out, healthy food, cooking, time off, weekends away, being present, a sense of control over our money, meaningful work that doesn't consume us, time to piddle, time with family and close friends, and time to just hang out. These are our "ingredients for joy and meaning. Then we looked at the dream list that we made keep adding to. Everything on this list was an accomplishment or an acquisition a house with more bedrooms, a trip here, personal salary goals, professional endeavors, and so forth. Everything required that we make more money and spend more money. When we compared our dream list to our "joy and meaning" list, we realized that by merely letting go of the list of things we want to accomplish and acquire, we would be actually living our dream- not striving to make it happen in the future, but living it right now. The things we were working toward did nothing in terms of making our life fuller. Pg.102
If what matters to us is what we're concerned about, then play and rest is important. If What matters to us is what other people think or say or value, then its back to exhaustion and producing for self-worth. I choose play and rest. Pg. 103
I try to be slow to respond and quick to think Do we even have all the information we need to make a decision or form a response? I also stay very mindful about the effect that calm has on an anxious person or situation. A panicked response produces more panic and more fear. Pg. 106
Do we want to infect people with more anxiety, or heal ourselves and the people around us with calm? We have to commit to practicing calm. Small things matter. For example, before we respond we can count to ten or say, "I'm not sure. I need to think about this some more." It's also extremely effective to identify the emotions that likely to spark your reactivity and then practice non-reactive responses. Pg. 107
In our increasingly complicated and anxious world, we need more time to do less and be less. When we first start cultivating calm and stillness in our lives, it can be difficult, especially when we realize how stress and anxiety define so much of our daily lives. As our practices become stronger, anxiety loses its hold and we gain clarity about what we're doing, where we're going, and what holds true meaning for us. Pg. 109
from Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Connection. Dr. Lerner explains that we all have patterned ways of managing anxiety. Some of us respond to anxiety by overfunctioning and others by under-functioning. Overfunctioners tend to move quickly to advise, rescue, take over, micromanage, and get in other people's business rather than look inward. Underfunctioners tend to get less competent under stress. They invite others to take over and often become the focus of family gossip, worry, or concern. They can get labeled as the "irresponsible one" or the "the problem child" or the "fragile one." Seeing these behaviors as patterned responses to anxiety, rather than truths about who we are, can help us understand that we can change. Pgs.109-110
Most of us who are searching for spiritual connection spend too much time looking up at the sky and wondering why God lives so far away. God lives within us, not above us. Sharing our gifts and talents with the world is the most powerful source of connection with God. Using our gifts and talents to create meaningful work takes a tremendous amount of commitment, because in many cases the meaningful work is not what pays the bills. Some have managed to use their gifts and talents to do work that feeds their souls and their families; however, most people piece it together. No one can define what's meaningful for us. Culture doesn't get to dictate if it's working outside the home, raising children, lawyering, teaching, or painting. Like our gifts and talents, meaning is unique to each one of us. Pgs.112-113
Self-doubt undermines the process of finding our gifts and sharing them with the world. Moreover, if developing and sharing our gifts is how we honor spirit and connect with God, self-doubt is letting our fear undermine our faith.
To overcome self-doubt and "supposed to," we have to start owning the messages. What makes us afraid? What's on our "supposed to" list? Who says? Why? Gremlins are like toddlers. If you ignore them, they get louder. Its usually best to just acknowledge the messages. Write them down. I know it seems counterintuitive, but writing them down and owning the gremlins' messages doesn't give the messages more power, it gives us more power. It gives us the opportunity to say, "I get it. I see that I'm afraid of this, but I'm going to do it anyway." Pgs.113-114
Overcoming self-doubt is all about believing we're enough and letting go of what the world says we're supposed to be.
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Howard Thurman pg.115
Laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection, they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: We are not alone. Laughter is a spiritual form of communing; without words we can say to one another, "I'm with you. I get it." True laughter is not the use of humor as self-deprecation or deflection; it's not the kind of painful laughter we sometimes hide behind.
Knowing laughter embodies the relief and connection we experience when we realize the power of sharing our stories we're not laughing at each other but with each other. Pg.118
I don't think about how I would say something, only how they said it. I don't think about what an experience would mean to me, only what it meant to the person who told me about it. Pg.
pages 50 & 51 are a must read!
Knowledge is important, but only if we’re being kind and gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are.
We cannot give our children what we don’t have.
People may call what happens at midlife "a crisis," but it's not. It's an unraveling a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're supposed" to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.
I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the greatest thing we will ever do.
Gifts like courage, compassion and connection only work when they are exercised every day.
I am enough. It is not a one time choice. It is a process. The journey of a lifetime.
Why does my need to fit in sabotage real belonging?
If you need to refuel and it fun and relaxing, then do it. If not, do something deliberately relaxing. Find something inspiring to do rather than soul sucking.
Courage sounds great, but we need to talk about how it requires us to let go of what other people think, and for most of us, that's scary.
Compassion is something we all want, but are we willing to look at why boundary-setting and saying no is a critical component of compassion? Are we willing to say no, even if we're disappointing someone? Belonging is an essential component of Wholehearted living, but first we have to cultivate self-acceptance.
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
Telling her daughter asking for what you need is one of the bravest things that you will ever do.
Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver. Our world could stand to be a little kinder and braver.
Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.
If we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior.
Instead of blame and anger, compassion and boundaries/consequences
Kinder but firmer
Setting boundaries and holding people accountable is a lot more work than shaming and blaming, but it is a lot more effective. When we shame and blame, it moves the focus from the original behavior in question to our own behavior. The key is to separate people from their behaviors-to address what their doing, not who they are.
Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.
~ MARGARET YOUNG Pg.49
The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted. We feel hopeful because being real is something we value. Most of us are drawn to warm, down-to-earth, honest people. and we aspire to be like that in our own lives. We feel exhausted because without even giving it too much thought, most of us know that choosing authenticity in a culture that dictates everything from how much we're supposed to weigh to what our houses are supposed to look like is a huge undertaking. Pg.50
Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well 1 accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused-What will they think? Pg. 56
Perfectionism never happens in a vacuum. It touches everyone around us. We pass it down to our children, we infect our workplace with impossible expectations, and it's suffocating for our friends and families. Thankfully, compassion also spreads quickly. When we're kind to our-selves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others. Our children learn how to be self-compassionate by watching us, and the people around us feel free to be authentic and connected. Pg.61
The vowel check: AEIOUY.
A = Have I been Abstinent today? (However you define that-
find it a little more challenging when it comes to things like food, work, and the computer.)
E = Have I Exercised today?
I = What have I done for myself today?
O = What have I done for Others today?
U = Am I holding on to Unexpressed emotions today?
Y = Yeah! What is something good that's happened today? Pg. 74
love and belonging go together. In order to feel a true sense of belonging, I need to bring the real me to the table, I can only do that if I'm practicing self-love. For years I thought it was the other way around: I'll do whatever it takes to fit in, I'lI feel accepted, and that will make me like myself better. (No wonder I was tired!) pg.77
Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we're too busy chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times we're so afraid of the dark that we don't let ourselves enjoy the light. A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable. A joyful life is made up of joyful moments pg. 80&81
for many, our first thought of the day is "I didn't get enough sleep." next is “I don't have enough time." True or not, that thought of not enough occurs automatically before we think to question or examine it. We spend our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don't have enough of. . . We don't have enough exercise, work, profits, power, wilderness, weekends, money. We're not thin enough, smart enough, pretty enough, fit enough, educated or successful enough, or rich enough. Before we even sit up in bed, we're already inadequate, already behind, losing, lacking something. And by the time we go to bed, our minds race with what we didn't get, or didn't get done. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to the reverie of lack. What begins as a simple expression of the hurried life, or challenged life, grows into justification for an unfulfilled life. It makes total sense why we're a nation hungry for joy: we're starving from a lack of gratitude. Lynne says that addressing scarcity doesn't mean searching for abundance but rather choosing a mind-set of sufficiency: We each have the choice in any setting to step back and let go of the mind-set of scarcity. Once we let go of scarcity, we discover the truth of sufficiency. By sufficiency, I don't mean a quantity of anything. Sufficiency isn't steps up from poverty or a step short of abundance. It isn't a measure of barely enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn't an amount. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and we are enough. Pg. 83
Many of us have bought into the idea that something has to be extraordinary if it's going to bring us joy. We seem to measure the value of people's contributions (and sometimes their entire lives) by their level of public recognition. In other words, worth is measured by fame and fortune. Our culture is quick to dismiss ordinary, hardworking men and women. In many instances, we equate ordinary with boring or, even more dangerous, meaningless. I think I learned the most about the value of ordinary from interviewing men and women who have experienced tremendous loss such as the loss of a child, violence and trauma. The memories that they held most sacred were the ordinary, everyday moments. It was clear that their most precious memories were forged from a collection of ordinary moments, and their hope is to stop long enough to be grateful for moments and the joy they bring. Marianne Williamson says, "Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are." Pg.84
Comparison is the thief of happiness pg.95
The only unique contribution we will make in this world will be born of our creativity pg. 96
Letting go of comparison is not a to-do list item. For most of us, it's something that requires constant awareness. It's so easy to take our eyes off our path to check out what others are doing and if they're ahead or behind us. Creativity, which is the expression of our originality, helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared. And, without comparison, concepts like ahead or behind or best or worst lose their meaning.
If creativity is seen as a luxury or something we do When we have spare time, it will never be cultivated. When I make creating a priority, everything in my life works better. Pg.97
Play shapes our brain, helps us foster empathy, helps us navigate complex social groups, and is at the core of creativity and innovation.
If you're wondering why play and rest are paired together in this guidepost, it's because after reading the research on play, I now understand that play is as essential to our health and functioning as rest. What exactly is play? Brown proposes seven properties of play, the first of which is that play is apparently purposeless. Basically this means that we play for the sake of play. We do it because it's fun and we want to. Well, this is where my work as a shame researcher comes in. In today's culture where our self-worth is tied to our net worth, and we base our worthiness on our level of productivity spending time doing purposeless activities is rare. In fact, for many of us it sounds like an anxiety attack waiting to happen. We've got so much to do and so little time that the idea of spending time doing anything unrelated to the to-do list actually creates stress. We convince ourselves that playing is a waste of precious time. We even convince ourselves that sleep is a terrible use of our time. Pg.100
Brown argues that play is not an option. In fact he writes, "The opposite of play is not work- the opposite of play is depression." He explains, "Respecting our biologically programmed need for play can transform work. It can bring back excitement and newness to our job and life. Play helps us deal with difficulties, provides a sense of expansiveness, promotes mastery, and is an essential part of the creative process. Most important, true play that comes from our own inner needs and desires is the only path to finding lasting joy and satisfaction in our work. In the long run, work does not work without play." What's shocking is the similarity between the biological need for play and our body's need for rest. It seems that living and loving with our whole hearts requires us to respect our bodies' need for renewal. When I first researched the ideas of rest, sleep, and sleep debt the term for not getting enough I couldn't believe some of the consequences of not getting proper rest. According to the Centers for Disease Control, insufficient sleep is associated with a number of chronic diseases and conditions, such as diabetes, heart disease, obesity, and depression. We're also learning that drowsy driving can be as dangerous and as preventable as driving while intoxicated. Yet, somehow we believe that exhaustion is a status symbol of hard work and sleep is a luxury. The result is that we are Dangerously tired. The same gremlins that tell us we're too busy to play and waste time fooling around are the ones that whisper: • "One more hour of work! You can catch up on your sleep this weekend.? • "Napping is for slackers." "Push through. You can handle it." Pg.101
We are a nation of exhausted and overstressed adults raising overscheduled children. We use our spare time to desperately search for joy and meaning in our lives. We think accomplishments and acquisitions will bring joy and meaning, but that pursuit is the very thing that's keeping us so tired and afraid to slow down. If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth. Making the choice to rest and play is, at best, counterculture. The decision to let go of exhaustion and productivity as badges of honor made total sense, but putting Wholeheartedness into practice has been a struggle for our family. We made a practical list of the things that make our family work. We basically answered the question, "When things are going really well in our family, what does it look like?" The answers included sleep, working out, healthy food, cooking, time off, weekends away, being present, a sense of control over our money, meaningful work that doesn't consume us, time to piddle, time with family and close friends, and time to just hang out. These are our "ingredients for joy and meaning. Then we looked at the dream list that we made keep adding to. Everything on this list was an accomplishment or an acquisition a house with more bedrooms, a trip here, personal salary goals, professional endeavors, and so forth. Everything required that we make more money and spend more money. When we compared our dream list to our "joy and meaning" list, we realized that by merely letting go of the list of things we want to accomplish and acquire, we would be actually living our dream- not striving to make it happen in the future, but living it right now. The things we were working toward did nothing in terms of making our life fuller. Pg.102
If what matters to us is what we're concerned about, then play and rest is important. If What matters to us is what other people think or say or value, then its back to exhaustion and producing for self-worth. I choose play and rest. Pg. 103
I try to be slow to respond and quick to think Do we even have all the information we need to make a decision or form a response? I also stay very mindful about the effect that calm has on an anxious person or situation. A panicked response produces more panic and more fear. Pg. 106
Do we want to infect people with more anxiety, or heal ourselves and the people around us with calm? We have to commit to practicing calm. Small things matter. For example, before we respond we can count to ten or say, "I'm not sure. I need to think about this some more." It's also extremely effective to identify the emotions that likely to spark your reactivity and then practice non-reactive responses. Pg. 107
In our increasingly complicated and anxious world, we need more time to do less and be less. When we first start cultivating calm and stillness in our lives, it can be difficult, especially when we realize how stress and anxiety define so much of our daily lives. As our practices become stronger, anxiety loses its hold and we gain clarity about what we're doing, where we're going, and what holds true meaning for us. Pg. 109
from Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Connection. Dr. Lerner explains that we all have patterned ways of managing anxiety. Some of us respond to anxiety by overfunctioning and others by under-functioning. Overfunctioners tend to move quickly to advise, rescue, take over, micromanage, and get in other people's business rather than look inward. Underfunctioners tend to get less competent under stress. They invite others to take over and often become the focus of family gossip, worry, or concern. They can get labeled as the "irresponsible one" or the "the problem child" or the "fragile one." Seeing these behaviors as patterned responses to anxiety, rather than truths about who we are, can help us understand that we can change. Pgs.109-110
Most of us who are searching for spiritual connection spend too much time looking up at the sky and wondering why God lives so far away. God lives within us, not above us. Sharing our gifts and talents with the world is the most powerful source of connection with God. Using our gifts and talents to create meaningful work takes a tremendous amount of commitment, because in many cases the meaningful work is not what pays the bills. Some have managed to use their gifts and talents to do work that feeds their souls and their families; however, most people piece it together. No one can define what's meaningful for us. Culture doesn't get to dictate if it's working outside the home, raising children, lawyering, teaching, or painting. Like our gifts and talents, meaning is unique to each one of us. Pgs.112-113
Self-doubt undermines the process of finding our gifts and sharing them with the world. Moreover, if developing and sharing our gifts is how we honor spirit and connect with God, self-doubt is letting our fear undermine our faith.
To overcome self-doubt and "supposed to," we have to start owning the messages. What makes us afraid? What's on our "supposed to" list? Who says? Why? Gremlins are like toddlers. If you ignore them, they get louder. Its usually best to just acknowledge the messages. Write them down. I know it seems counterintuitive, but writing them down and owning the gremlins' messages doesn't give the messages more power, it gives us more power. It gives us the opportunity to say, "I get it. I see that I'm afraid of this, but I'm going to do it anyway." Pgs.113-114
Overcoming self-doubt is all about believing we're enough and letting go of what the world says we're supposed to be.
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Howard Thurman pg.115
Laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection, they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: We are not alone. Laughter is a spiritual form of communing; without words we can say to one another, "I'm with you. I get it." True laughter is not the use of humor as self-deprecation or deflection; it's not the kind of painful laughter we sometimes hide behind.
Knowing laughter embodies the relief and connection we experience when we realize the power of sharing our stories we're not laughing at each other but with each other. Pg.118
I don't think about how I would say something, only how they said it. I don't think about what an experience would mean to me, only what it meant to the person who told me about it. Pg.
November 19, 2021
Amazing read, I loved everything Brené was saying and it felt like a personal conversation. I welled up multiple times just reading through her experiences and connecting them with my own. Thorough research and I loved all the definitions the author came up with and they all made sense as soon as I read them. Thanks a ton 👏👏👏
December 6, 2022
One of Brene's earliest books and one of her most powerful. If you struggle with perfectionism (the debilitating kind) then this book gives you the language you need to understand it, address, and start to live a more authentic, wholehearted life. It's a book to buy and keep - to highlight bits that resonate and that you can keep returning to. Highly recommend.
April 8, 2023
Easy to read and understand book, with clear guidelines on how to be more happy with yourself. However, was disagree in some instances with author. But the most important take away is that art extremely important part of my wellbeing.
August 23, 2018
I loved this book, it offered inspirational advice that I took to heart.
January 24, 2019
In order to achieve real progress, we must embrace who we are. How important it is to remember we are not perfect.
August 20, 2019
3.5 stars
September 19, 2019
Love her, love her, love her!
October 15, 2019
Great read. Have several pages of quotes that really spoke to me. Like how she writes about being authentic and real. She has great ideas on how to reach who you want to be.
October 18, 2019
Loved it. A book that everyone should read. I plan on rereading at least once a year.
November 2, 2019
I don’t care about the writer’s life. Boring. A few pages with insightful info
November 5, 2019
A GREAT re-read. So necessary!
April 10, 2020
Not what I expected
December 10, 2023
A practical guide to letting go of who you think you're supposed to be and embracing who you are.
October 12, 2019
Just ok. Very funny and interesting in some parts. Not much new for me at this stage of my life. I think this book should be compulsory at high school. I wish I read it when I was 16.
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