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Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling: A Guide to Brief Therapy
Everett L. Worthington, Jr. offers a comprehensive manual for assisting couples over common rough spots and through serious problems in a manner that is compassionate, effective and brief. His hope-focused (rather than problem-focused) approach enables couples to see that change is possible and gives them a new outlook on the future. Combining this with a brief approach that addresses the realities of managed care and tight budgets, Worthington shows how to be strategic in each counseling situation by including teaching, training, exercises, forgiveness, modeling and motivation. At the heart of the book are dozens of interventions and exercises, including drawing on central values promoting confession and forgiveness strengthening communication aiding conflict resolution changing patterns of thinking developing intimacy cementing commitment Backed by years of experience and substantial research, hope-focused marriage counseling offers hope to counselors that they can provide help to troubled couples quickly, compassionately and effectively. This paperback edition includes a new introduction, summarizing the latest findings and developments in marital counseling and applying hope-focused marriage counseling to today's cultural and clinical realities.
311 pages, Hardcover
First published July 1, 1999
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December 9, 2018
In Everett L. Worthington Jr.’s book Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling, the author draws on over twenty years of experience in the field to systematize a simple, yet extensive, approach to marriage counseling.
The goal of Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling is to produce optimistic couples informed and able to meet future marital challenges. From a bird’s eye view, this accomplishment is achieved by setting this goal in the first place, focusing on hope, however small it may be, strategically looking for ways to foster work, hope, and love, targeting problematic areas, and intervening in those areas. The orchestrator of this plan is of course the marriage counselor. Worthington maintains, “Couples build hope in their marriage by building love, faith, and work in their marriage. Problems are generally related to losses in these areas.” These positive attributes become what the marriage counselor then works toward building in the couple. In a nutshell, the solution to marital problems of any shape and size is to help partners love each other more. Partners can’t will to love ans expect emotions but they can value each other more. The feelings will then follow. The author defines love as “a willingness to value and to avoid devaluing people that springs from a caring, other-focused heart.” While the emotions of love are important, they are not necessary for true love to be present. It is the action of love that the counselor works toward. “Partners [then] gain hope through seeing each other actually change.”
There are three basic stages that a counselor must navigate through in order to achieve the desired result. The first stage is referred to as the “encounter state.” In this stage the marriage counselor joins the couple and assesses the problematic target areas. This is the stage in which information is gathered and a diagnosis is made. The counselor, through an initial assessment, counseling sessions, and homework, discovers the heart issues whether they be unmet desires, unreasonable expectations, bad communication, etc. It is very important in this stage to start off with an infusion of hope, however bleak the situation may appear. “By the time couples begin their first counseling session, they should have already moved from the pre-contemplation stage of change to at least the contemplation stage of change.” The second stage is referred to as the “engagement stage.” In this stage, more information is gathered. Good and bad patterns in a couple’s relationship are explored. Then old (bad) patterns are broken and new (good) patterns are implemented. To be brief: This is achieved through both carefully crafted counseling and homework assignments. It is important in this stage for the counselor to remember that he cannot “become the couple’s referee.” The counselor’s art is to carefully infuse biblical core-beliefs in those he’s counseling while speaking the truth in love. However, a counselor should be up front with his own Christian values in the process. It must be understood that “the couple with a troubled marriage has little happiness, high expectation, and low performance.” In the light of this truth, the counselor should help “change both their performance and expectation.” He should help them replace unrealistic expectations with realistic ones, then move the marriage toward realistic expectations, and finally move the changed concept of actual marriage to the changed ideal of marriage. When it comes to performance, couples should be encouraged to memorize and implement the “love acrostic:” to listen and repeat (for good communication), observe the effects your actions have upon the other person, value your partner, and evaluate both partner’s interests. These principles encompass the essence of Worthington’s definition of love. The third and final stage is referred to as the “disengagement stage.” This is the final commencement into the community. It is now up to the couple to keep walking down the path the counselor helped put them on. They now have all the tools they need in order to continue in a hope-filled marriage. It is important for the couple to know that they will always have their counselor to fall back on in case they need him again. This will ensure a continued security and therefore a continued hope.
For me, this book brought to mind a previous relationship I was in. We definitely had little happiness, high expectation, and low performance as time went on. If we were married we would have enrolled ourselves in marriage counseling. I’m guessing the counselor would have found some very unrealistic expectations if he were to look at our relationship. I wanted a potential wife who would cater to my needs and be interested in things that I’m interested in. I also wanted to be able to meet my potential wife’s emotional needs in every area. If she was inconsolable I blamed myself for not being able to encourage her. If she wasn’t happy, I felt I needed to be able to make her happy, and if I couldn’t, I was a failure. I wanted to marry someone who would always stay positive for me, and it just wasn’t happening. I wanted to marry someone who would be excited about all the things that made me excited and may even be able to inject optimism and encouragement in myself. She had similar expectations. She wanted a man who would be her emotional anchor in every situation. She didn’t see the need for girlfriends or really any relationship outside of myself. This burdened me quite a bit, just as I was burdening her. When our expectations weren’t met, we lost hope in the relationship and therefore stop putting in the effort we needed to in order to make the relationship work. We needed to have our expectations calibrated and hope instilled in our relationship in order for us to start the process or working toward a healthy relationship again.
I would prefer if the other was a little bit more biblically aware as he wrote his worth-while material. While there are some scriptural quotes, it is obvious, I believe, to the layman reader that the author has more of a psychological counseling background rather than a biblical one. There really wasn’t anything on the nature of man or God in the book at all. There was very little about redemption and how it affects marriage counseling. The concept of the two becoming one and the relationship of Christ to the church weren’t expounded upon at all. I really felt the work was biblically lacking. As a counselor it would seem to me that my job is to combat sin and assist the Holy Spirit in the sanctification process through teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness. This is not to say that the work is not useful because I believe it is—it just would have been nice if a biblical foundation was laid first. One concept that I really liked was the L-O-V-E acrostic. I like easy-to-remember tools such as this, and I think most people have a better time implementing something they can remember. Another thing I really liked was all the great analogy examples. Stories also tend to stick in people’s minds. One last thing I felt was very useful were the extensive homework examples. Some books just give principles without practical applications. This book was very practical and I really appreciated that as someone who will hopefully one day use them in my own marriage counseling.
Based on this book I plan to focus more in my personal life on having realistic expectations. God is my first and primary source of joy. I can’t find true fulfillment in a female. She serves a purpose in my life, but it is not for my complete joy. I ought to be practicing what the love acrostic teaches. I ought to be valuing my partner. Another principle the love acrostic teaches is that of listening and repeating to ensure good communication. This is something I struggle with and want to improve in so I will, for now at least, try to listen to the female that is currently prominent in my life—my mother—and then repeat what she is trying to say so that we can be clear there is not a mis-communication. I also plan, in the future, to use some of the homework (especially the “initial assessment”) examples that were given in the book. I’ve found in the limited counseling I’ve done so far, that it can be hard to get a clear view of heart issues due to the fact that the person being counseled hasn’t really thought too deeply themselves about what they really are desiring. If I can give them something to take home and ponder, I’m sure I will get more accurate accounts of what heart issues are actually at play. Another homework assignment in the book I liked was the one in which couples write each other love letters focusing on the positive qualities the other partner has. Even in bad times there is always a silver lining and focusing on this can bring about hope.
The goal of Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling is to produce optimistic couples informed and able to meet future marital challenges. From a bird’s eye view, this accomplishment is achieved by setting this goal in the first place, focusing on hope, however small it may be, strategically looking for ways to foster work, hope, and love, targeting problematic areas, and intervening in those areas. The orchestrator of this plan is of course the marriage counselor. Worthington maintains, “Couples build hope in their marriage by building love, faith, and work in their marriage. Problems are generally related to losses in these areas.” These positive attributes become what the marriage counselor then works toward building in the couple. In a nutshell, the solution to marital problems of any shape and size is to help partners love each other more. Partners can’t will to love ans expect emotions but they can value each other more. The feelings will then follow. The author defines love as “a willingness to value and to avoid devaluing people that springs from a caring, other-focused heart.” While the emotions of love are important, they are not necessary for true love to be present. It is the action of love that the counselor works toward. “Partners [then] gain hope through seeing each other actually change.”
There are three basic stages that a counselor must navigate through in order to achieve the desired result. The first stage is referred to as the “encounter state.” In this stage the marriage counselor joins the couple and assesses the problematic target areas. This is the stage in which information is gathered and a diagnosis is made. The counselor, through an initial assessment, counseling sessions, and homework, discovers the heart issues whether they be unmet desires, unreasonable expectations, bad communication, etc. It is very important in this stage to start off with an infusion of hope, however bleak the situation may appear. “By the time couples begin their first counseling session, they should have already moved from the pre-contemplation stage of change to at least the contemplation stage of change.” The second stage is referred to as the “engagement stage.” In this stage, more information is gathered. Good and bad patterns in a couple’s relationship are explored. Then old (bad) patterns are broken and new (good) patterns are implemented. To be brief: This is achieved through both carefully crafted counseling and homework assignments. It is important in this stage for the counselor to remember that he cannot “become the couple’s referee.” The counselor’s art is to carefully infuse biblical core-beliefs in those he’s counseling while speaking the truth in love. However, a counselor should be up front with his own Christian values in the process. It must be understood that “the couple with a troubled marriage has little happiness, high expectation, and low performance.” In the light of this truth, the counselor should help “change both their performance and expectation.” He should help them replace unrealistic expectations with realistic ones, then move the marriage toward realistic expectations, and finally move the changed concept of actual marriage to the changed ideal of marriage. When it comes to performance, couples should be encouraged to memorize and implement the “love acrostic:” to listen and repeat (for good communication), observe the effects your actions have upon the other person, value your partner, and evaluate both partner’s interests. These principles encompass the essence of Worthington’s definition of love. The third and final stage is referred to as the “disengagement stage.” This is the final commencement into the community. It is now up to the couple to keep walking down the path the counselor helped put them on. They now have all the tools they need in order to continue in a hope-filled marriage. It is important for the couple to know that they will always have their counselor to fall back on in case they need him again. This will ensure a continued security and therefore a continued hope.
For me, this book brought to mind a previous relationship I was in. We definitely had little happiness, high expectation, and low performance as time went on. If we were married we would have enrolled ourselves in marriage counseling. I’m guessing the counselor would have found some very unrealistic expectations if he were to look at our relationship. I wanted a potential wife who would cater to my needs and be interested in things that I’m interested in. I also wanted to be able to meet my potential wife’s emotional needs in every area. If she was inconsolable I blamed myself for not being able to encourage her. If she wasn’t happy, I felt I needed to be able to make her happy, and if I couldn’t, I was a failure. I wanted to marry someone who would always stay positive for me, and it just wasn’t happening. I wanted to marry someone who would be excited about all the things that made me excited and may even be able to inject optimism and encouragement in myself. She had similar expectations. She wanted a man who would be her emotional anchor in every situation. She didn’t see the need for girlfriends or really any relationship outside of myself. This burdened me quite a bit, just as I was burdening her. When our expectations weren’t met, we lost hope in the relationship and therefore stop putting in the effort we needed to in order to make the relationship work. We needed to have our expectations calibrated and hope instilled in our relationship in order for us to start the process or working toward a healthy relationship again.
I would prefer if the other was a little bit more biblically aware as he wrote his worth-while material. While there are some scriptural quotes, it is obvious, I believe, to the layman reader that the author has more of a psychological counseling background rather than a biblical one. There really wasn’t anything on the nature of man or God in the book at all. There was very little about redemption and how it affects marriage counseling. The concept of the two becoming one and the relationship of Christ to the church weren’t expounded upon at all. I really felt the work was biblically lacking. As a counselor it would seem to me that my job is to combat sin and assist the Holy Spirit in the sanctification process through teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness. This is not to say that the work is not useful because I believe it is—it just would have been nice if a biblical foundation was laid first. One concept that I really liked was the L-O-V-E acrostic. I like easy-to-remember tools such as this, and I think most people have a better time implementing something they can remember. Another thing I really liked was all the great analogy examples. Stories also tend to stick in people’s minds. One last thing I felt was very useful were the extensive homework examples. Some books just give principles without practical applications. This book was very practical and I really appreciated that as someone who will hopefully one day use them in my own marriage counseling.
Based on this book I plan to focus more in my personal life on having realistic expectations. God is my first and primary source of joy. I can’t find true fulfillment in a female. She serves a purpose in my life, but it is not for my complete joy. I ought to be practicing what the love acrostic teaches. I ought to be valuing my partner. Another principle the love acrostic teaches is that of listening and repeating to ensure good communication. This is something I struggle with and want to improve in so I will, for now at least, try to listen to the female that is currently prominent in my life—my mother—and then repeat what she is trying to say so that we can be clear there is not a mis-communication. I also plan, in the future, to use some of the homework (especially the “initial assessment”) examples that were given in the book. I’ve found in the limited counseling I’ve done so far, that it can be hard to get a clear view of heart issues due to the fact that the person being counseled hasn’t really thought too deeply themselves about what they really are desiring. If I can give them something to take home and ponder, I’m sure I will get more accurate accounts of what heart issues are actually at play. Another homework assignment in the book I liked was the one in which couples write each other love letters focusing on the positive qualities the other partner has. Even in bad times there is always a silver lining and focusing on this can bring about hope.
October 1, 2012
Practical and logical tools for aiding in marital realignment and conflict resolution. At times, too prescribed. One must be careful to match interventions and concepts to the personalities of the spouses and situation of conflict.
January 24, 2013
Really good book. Full of important insights into marital counseling. Also includes exercises that can be used in counseling sessions. Must read for pastors but would encourage everyone involved in any sort of ministry to read it.
April 25, 2012
Excellent diagnostic and counseling tool. Read through and make sure you understand it two or three times before using it though.
February 17, 2012
I use it over and over! Great techniques and tools for dealing with marital issues. I've read it twice and still feel like it hasn't all been absorbed!
February 11, 2012
Will reference with my work...awesome ideas
August 1, 2012
Great tool for marriage counseling. Works in both Christian and non-Christian settings. Wonderful for premarital counseling.
September 17, 2015
I really loved his focus on bringing hope back to a dying marriage through love and work. I pray that I will be able to use his interventions and techniques to help others in my life.
July 7, 2016
This text is an asset to any counselor who is interested in helping others repair their marriages.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews