All Joanna wants out of life is to sunbathe topless, have all her orders obeyed, and to make pleasant love to her almost fiancé Tony.
Tony is Joanna’s first cousin, and while there’s a bit of a stigma attached to that, this is the 70s, the English are ALWAYS marrying their cousins in romances, and cousin marriage is not illegal in Britain. I looked it up recently, and there are moves in that direction, but they seem vaguely sort of racist.
Joanna is cruising around the Mediterranean with cousin Tony, cousin Mary and Mary’s fiancé Paul. Mary and Paul are incredibly boring. Mary is learning cordon bleu cookery and how to cringe elegantly when her husband issues commands. Joanna cordially dislikes them both and feels sorry for Mary, who is such a dull little thing.
Joanna is kind of a bitch.
The four of them head to a nightclub where Joanna wears awesome 70s gear and shakes it and everyone wants to dance with her because she’s so beautiful and sexy. Paul and Mary hang around at their table being all judgy, and eventually talk to some fishermen, who tell them they must not go to Saracina on the way to Corsica. There’s some crazy going down on the island: all the women have been deported and gunboats patrol the coast.
Nonsense, says Joanna. We may be tourists and we may speak very little Italian, but we’re not that gullible.
‘We are NOT going to Saracina, your majesty,’ Paul tells Joanna. He gently pats Mary, who is quivering in fear. Mary is sort of Anne from Famous Five. Joanna is of course George, but grown up super blonde and sexy. Paul is Julian, and Tony is Dick … mostly because I vaguely think that Dick was less bossy than Julian, and people weren’t always saying ‘you should be a policeman when you grow up, young man,’ to him. Julian was so smarmy. There’s no Timmy, which is a shame. Mary would probably be allergic to a dog anyway.
Joanna, however, IS going to Saracina. She only heard of the place a few hours ago, but she refuses to not follow through on a plan just because someone mentions gunboats. She decides that she’ll sneak off while the other three are wandering around the little harbour town.
As well as being kind of a bitch, Joanna is incredibly spoiled and probably a little stupid. She would have made an excellent girlfriend for a Bond villain, if Bond villains were actually sexy and not quite so psychotic. Lucky for her, she’s about to meet a guy she’ll practically accuse of being a Bond villain.
He’s not going to like it. At all. I think I’ve worked out the typical Sara Craven hero. He falls in love with the heroine on sight, and then spends the book unsuccessfully trying to make it all about sex, and being devastated and then uncontrollably angry because the heroine thinks he’s evil. Sure, he hides it all by being silky and sarcastic and torturing the heroine by letting her think he’s still on with some other woman, but he’s suffering, poor devil.
But first, she’ll be caught sunbathing topless on a beach on Saracina by half a dozen military guys.
Joanna puts her top on. The military guys blindfold her and take her to the palazzo. It’s all very cool. There, she encounters Leo. He’s a handsome international banking prince, although he doesn’t use the title. He owns an island! He knows her daddy.
Joanna is now Leo’s prisoner. Her luggage has been sent for, and when it arrives she’ll be able to not be naked under Leo’s silky black robe. Leo does get to feel her up under the robe. ‘We’re going to have sex,’ he tells her, his beautiful tawny eyes smouldering beneath his tawny brows. The whole lion thing gets milked a fair bit. There’s this whole legend and a stone statue where horny girls leave flowers so the lord will know they want some sexing, and this big painting of the first evil banking lion guy in the mistress boudoir Joanna is to be locked up in.
‘No we aren’t, you skeezy old criminal,’ says Joanna. Sure, she’s turned on. He’s hot, and he touched her boobies without asking. She has this whole thing going where she needs a man to dominate her but she needs her freedom from conventional stuff like doing what her daddy says. She just can’t really get on board with his whole being a bank robber thing, because she has morals.
It all looks set for them to smoulder at each other heaps and then have a lot of almost sexy times and misunderstandings about Leo’s old girlfriends culminating in a marriage proposal, except it doesn’t. Instead, Leo is too busy doing mysterious non-criminal things that still involve soldiers and gunboats, so he brings his cousin over to the island to entertain Joanna.
Joanna gets all the menfolk! She is so pretty and they all want to marry her and be a posh couple hosting dinner parties for business associates.
There’s another woman for Joanna to feel tortured over … although Leo never feels suitably tortured by Joanna’s two other boyfriends. The story hints at more adventure than there actually is – the message seems to be that you can settle down and be rich but boringly conventional as long as it’s with a hot guy.