I read Boyd's book, "Seeing is Believing: Experience Jesus Through Imaginative Prayer", for a second time recently. It's prompted me to start a new prayer habit which I'm calling my "experiment".
The main premise of the book is that we grow in our relationship with God by resting in Christ. He talks about the futility of the "try harder" solution to the Christian walk. We don't get closer to Jesus because we "ought to", or through will power. It might change short term behavior, but in the long run it doesn't work and causes burn-out. Boyd says it's like putting the caboose before the engine, assuming that what the believer does determines who the believer is, rather than vice versa. To put it differently, it puts the doing before the being.The pattern of this world, our Adam nature, does need to be overcome, but as Merton once said, we can't squeeze our eyes shut and try harder to become fruit. We Westerners are so inclined to associate growth with hard work.
In contrast to the 'try harder' solution, the New Testament generally speaks of godly behavior as following from the believer's identity in Christ. If we are going to manifest the fruit of the Spirit in our lives, we have to know who we are in Christ. This is who we really are, but the identity we experience is often not in line with this. There is usually a discrepancy between our true identity in Christ and our experienced self-identity. This is the battle between flesh and Spirit that scripture talks about. The flesh is not our true nature, and this is why Augustine says "our hearts are restless until they rest in God".
Boyd says that a person's picture of God is all important. Given the dysfunctional view of God most of us have going in our brain, Boyd invites the reader to picture who Jesus truly is. God wants to make Jesus truly real to us, as Someone we can abide in. Scripture tells us who this Jesus is. We can ask the Spirit to make real what we intellectually know to be true.
The word I kept hearing through the book felt like such good news: REST. True spiritual transformation and feeling God's presence comes when we stop striving and learn simply to rest in an experience of Jesus. The best way to do this, as the title suggests, is through imaginative prayer. This is cataphatic prayer, praying with images, as opposed to apophatic, without images.
Following the model of St. Ignatius, he suggests we go to a private place in our minds where we can always meet the Lord. This is the inner sanctuary, a place that is set apart. Here we can be honest and open before God.
As a child, I used to go on long bike rides along "Bergen's Cutoff", a manmade hill close to my home. It was a place I felt joyful and serene. I imagined pulling my bike over and just sitting under a tree along the side of the hill. This is where I began my prayer experiment of just sitting with Jesus.
Years ago, while enduring headaches, I used to imagine Jesus just sitting with me, and it's like I picked up this practice again. My hill morphed into a nature spot in Assiniboine Forest. Boyd suggests we find an actual picture of Jesus that we like, and I was drawn to the Jesus with two faces, divine and human.
During prayer, I bring myself to this place. As St. Ignatius prompts, I try to imagine it with my five senses as vividly as I can. I imagine Jesus with me and I pray. I do this in the morning, and while falling asleep, and lately I bring this Jesus to mind during the day. This has been my "experiment".
As I've spoken my prayers, one thing I've been noticing is how formal and fake my language can sound. I would never talk to regular people that way. "Dear Jesus please help me through this day." Who talks that way? So I remember the Psalms and just try to bring myself there, as honestly as I can. "Jesus I'm feeling discouraged. I don't know what to do about ______. I know you see me and my situation more fully than I. Can you show me the way?"
I've also noticed that there is a consolation in having this "place" with me all the time. I have been practicing resting there while driving, or food prep, or even while talking to people. I imagine Jesus' face there.
I confess that most often Jesus seems silent, but I rely on scripture which tells me that Jesus wants nothing more than for us to rest here and relate to us, so that's what I keep doing. It's ok if he doesn't seem real. It's ok if I'm feeling like a fraud. It's all ok, I can just keep coming back and resting.
Often, waking in the morning, I feel super stiff and really depressed. It's hard to get out of bed, but then one morning I imagined the ever-present Jesus just standing there, offering me a hand, saying, "It's ok, I'll help you get up." If I'm having a nap, I imagine myself resting in the sacred space. This is "practicing the presence of God" and abiding in the vine. The "divine/human" picture helps because the breadth all my experience is caught there. There's nothing in me that Jesus doesn't understand.
So that's my experiment. It's now 2+months since I began, and I want to continue. I often feel so "mud bound", with ongoing underlying depression, so it has been giving me hope. All I have to do is rest. That feels like good news to me.