How Does That Make You Feel?: True Confessions from Both Sides of the Therapy Couch

by Sherry Amatenstein (Editor)

How Does That Make You Feel? obliterates the boundaries between the shrink and the one being shrunk with unabashedly candid writers breaking confidentiality and telling all about their experiences in therapy.

This revelatory, no-punches-pulled book brings to light both sides of the “relationship” between therapist and client—a bond that can feel pure and profound, even if it is, at times, illusory.

Contributors include an array of essayists, authors, TV/film writers and therapists, including Patti Davis, Beverly Donofrio, Royal Young, Molly Peacock, Susan Shapiro, Charlie Rubin, Estelle Erasmus, and Dennis Palumbo.

Full list of contributors:

Sherry Amatenstein
Laura Bogart
Margaret Crawford
Patti Davis
Megan Devine
Beverly Donofrio
Janice Eidus
Estelle Erasmus
Juli Fraga
Nina Gaby
Mindy Greenstein
Jenine Holmes
Diane Josefowicz
Jean Kim
Amy Klein
Binnie Klein
Anna March
Allison McCarthy
Kurt Nemes
Dennis Palumbo
Molly Peacock
Pamela Rafalow Grossman
Charlie Rubin
Jonathan Schiff
Barbara Schoichet
Adam Sexton
Susan Shapiro
Beth Sloan
Elisabeth Turner
Kate Walter
Priscilla Warner
Linda Yellin
Royal Young
Jessica Zucker

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Psychology, Mental Health

320 pages, Paperback

Published September 13, 2016

Reviews

[Nik Maack · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel relieved, to have finally finished this book. It was a chore. Many of the stories are over the top croonings of how therapy is great and my therapist is great and now I am an enlightened being and I float on a cloud. Then for good measure, the author adds, "Not really, but yes really."

I'm in therapy. It's expensive. It's a privilege. And reading these stories often left me feeling like I'm in the company of rich, whiny, white snobs. Social elite assholes. Ugh. Am I one of these people?

There were a handful of essays that were beautiful, powerful, knocked me on my ass. But most of them just made me tired. In part, I think it's the actual task that ruins it: "Dear writer, take this extremely complex experience that lasts years and years, and summarize it in 6 pages or less. Thanks. Oh, and you may be writing for people who know nothing about the subject. Good luck."

Yes, it's the classic Woody Allen joke: terrible food, and such small portions. A lot of these stories need more room. The rush to get the details out ruins the story. And there's a lot of reaching for metaphors and poetry to describe the experience that just kills it.

"I lie down to dream in her." That's the end of one essay. It made me cringe.

There were a few stories that actually made me worry for the author. "My therapist and I are best friends!" Nope. You're doing therapy wrong. That's not right. Don't do that.

Some stories are tremendously brave and solid. A lot of them are dross. If you pick up this book, I recommend skimming the stories and only reading the ones that grab you. A lot of them won't.

[Renée Roehl · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a person who participates in both sides of the fence, this was a fun book to read, for awhile. There was not enough diversity for me. Most issues were too similar and I got the feeling that this was a group of people who all have the same demographic so I was left wishing that the book should have been halved or the editor might have wanted to branch out to middle USA instead of mainly what felt like New York.

[Amy Turner · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book made me feel vaguely disappointed. I had hoped for more illuminating "confessions"

[Isaac Baker · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's interesting to hear a bunch of writers (therapists, patients, sometimes one in the same) tell their stories about therapy. The stories are all over the place in terms of perspective and subject matter, but they all center around some patient-therapist relationship.

Beth Sloan has a great piece that makes treating diagnosed narcissists sound like a job on par with sewage pump technician.

Juli Fraga shares a touching and intimate story about how crying with some her patients during their grief helped her connect and helped her patients feel validated.

Patti Davis' short but insightful piece about a bad therapist, where she learned "one important lesson: even though someone has a degree in psychology and a list of patients, he can still be a manipulative, toxic, and probably more ill than most of the patients he claims to treat. Just as there are lousy car mechanics, there are lousy therapists."

I guess I shouldn't be shocked, but I sure felt like it when reading stories of women whose male therapists were scumbags. So much sexual harassment and abuse is meted out on women by asshole therapists. Being a man, I hadn't spent much time considering this, but that's privilege for you, I guess. I congratulate the women who wrote about their experiences, even though reading them is enraging.

Most of the writers (I believe) are white, quite wealthy, and more than a few live in Manhattan. There's a lot of privileged navel-gazing going on, but that comes with the territory, I guess. Therapy is expensive and generally a mechanism reserved for the 1% (or at least top 10%), but I wish the scope was broadened to include more diverse points of view.

[Robert Cohen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Are you fascinated by Psychotherapy? I mean beyond your own weekly visit to your therapist? Sherry Amatenstein’s anthology is a great way to satisfy that fascination.

In 1989, a prominent Psychiatrist named Irvin D. Yalom published a book called Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy. It’s been one of my all time favorite books since that time. Yalom digs deeply into the therapeutic relationship from the therapist’s side of the couch. While I’m here, I highly recommend that book.

Amatenstein goes one step further than Yalom by collecting essays written from both sides of the couch, so to speak (Only Freudian Psychoanalysts actually use couches. They’re the practitioners portrayed in Woody Allen movies. Amatenstein uses the couch as a symbol for the therapist/client relationship). Amatenstein is a Psychotherapist and prominent author. Consequently, she chooses 34 therapists and authors (including herself) for inclusion in her anthology. These are the folks she knows, and these are the folks most likely to write entertaining and insightful essays.

And the essays are most definitely entertaining and insightful. As well as humorous, poignant, and surprising. There are some shocking revelations from both sides of the couch. Secrets are revealed, catharsis is experienced, epiphanies embraced, and maturity achieved. The message of Psychotherapy is that Life Happens but, even though no one lives happily ever after, emotional clarity cushions the pain.

If you are in, or have been in, therapy, you will not be able to look at your therapist the same way again. Personally, I am now more sympathetic to therapists as they try to untangle the troubled psyches of clients, who are adept at hiding their capricious feelings of ambivalence, fear, simmering anger, overt hostility, and sometimes love and gratitude. If you come into the book with preconceptions about Psychotherapy, some of them will be validated, not always in a good way, but always in an authentic way.

Dennis Palumbo, one of the essayists, ends his story with the famous Jerry Garcia lyric, “What a long, strange trip it’s been”. This is a metaphor for both the therapeutic experience and life itself. This book is a short, strange trip into the mysterious world of Psychotherapy. If you are open to it, the trip will be enlightening and gratifying.

[Esther Lupinfangirl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. As someone who's been in and out of therapy, I found it fascinating to to see things from the therapists' point of view. I wish there had been more stories by therapists, but the clients' stories were interesting as well, and very well-written. I took this book out of the library, but now I want to buy it.

[Drew · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is such a great topic for an essay collection, so ripe with possibilities. Unfortunately this assortment grows tedious and self-involved. In the hands of more accomplished writers and editors these personal stories could soar.

[Swimmergirl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Refreshing Read!

This book will be interesting to those who are fluent in psychotherapy! Very entertaining with different therapeutic aspects and I enjoyed the humor!

[Christian · Rating 3 out of 5]

The stories reminded me that everybody has their fair share of suffering and hardship.

But then, it's super hard to get into therapy (at least here in Germany where waiting lists are so long that it takes years to get a place) and it can get expensive af (health insurance - again here in Germany - often does not cover the costs of the sessions). It's a priviledge.

Some essays came across as if those people are rich snobs who can afford going to therapy. And some of them weren't even aware of this massive priviledge; and eventually didn't want to change. On the other hand some people seemed "in love" with their therapist - this sounds wrong.

Why only three stars? It's a good reminder that some people really struggle. If you're having a hard time, some stories where gut wrenching and help to understand that life maybe isn't as hard after all. Would I read it again? Most likely not. Are some people priviledged, rich a**holes. Yes indeed.

[Hilarry · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel disappointed. I love reading but this was an absolute chore to finish. Having started therapy and reading about this book I had hope to gain “insight” on how therapists thing and if what other patients experience is “normal”. I mean that is what the description of the book claimed it was about. But no it is a bunch of short stories and the only thing in common is some are therapists, some went to therapy or some should’ve. Had nothing to do with an inside look of therapy or what they think about you. If anything most of these stories made me not want to go to therapy at all. They made me not want to trust a therapists intentions or authenticity in whether they care or not. Most seem to hate their job or hate going. Two stars simply because I finished it and a few of the stories were okish.

[Zachary Littrell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kinda like sitting with a new but ultimately lackluster therapist, my enthusiasm dried up. For one thing, a lot of the therapists and clients are New Yorkers and almost as many are New York writers with a tendency towards snark. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but, after a while, it gets old. I especially have some suspicion that some of these stories are a little bit more creative writing exercise than a real honest evaluation of therapy (*cough* "Triplex" is a humble-brag about having an affair on his therapist's bed with a ex-girlfriend).

I also feel the book does the opposite of what it set out to do -- for a lot of these stories, being a therapist feels like an unrewarding royal pain in the ass, and being a client is dealing with asshole therapists and anything you learn is in spite of them. And some of the stories that were positive were a bit self-tooting about how dope and real of a therapist they are.

But some of the stories really landed. "I'm Afraid Our Time Is Up" actually affected me as it touched on how strange and deep a positive therapist-client relationship can be. Who is this person on the other side of the couch that you are fond and grateful towards, but is living their own life out there? I would've liked to have seen some more of those genuine, honest, but sweet stories rather than "damn, therapy can suck."

[Abbi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cool essay book that lacks diversity in stories. While many of these stories are enlightening and truthful, it didnt truly and deeply reach me. It almost feels a little dated in what some of the essays consider to me major. Overall, it is a good book that breaks down walls in discussing therapy from both sides of the couch.

[Selin Tezcan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book because it has true stories from both perspectives. I enjoyed the short stories with not only one but many different way of explanations, different languages from different angles.
Some stories left my mouth open while reading some of them thinking yeah these things happen in life.
I appreciate the work and recommend this book to everyone who likes true stories.

[Pragthika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of them are good, they did taught me something but some are pretty boring mainly because I couldn’t relate to it. It’s a solid 3 star read, I appreciate this book for what it is stated to deliver.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Encontré algunas perlas entre tantas historias. No todas las historias resonaron conmigo. En algún momento sentimos algo de curiosidad de saber como es la terapia para otros o para los terapeutas, creo que algunas de las historias dan la oportunidad de ver el mundo de otros.

[Erica Char · Rating 3 out of 5]

IM not sure what I was expecting, so perhaps that was my problem. Parts I definitely enjoyed more than others but most of it was a touch more exhausting than I wanted

[Sandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Considering therapy?
In therapy?
Left therapy?
Read this.

[Coleen (The Book Ramblings) · Rating 4 out of 5]

How Does That Make You Feel? is a collection of essays and short stories written from numerous perspectives as well as different authors that included therapists and those who went to therapy. I found this to be a fascinating look into therapy from both sides, and I truly enjoyed this.

There were many stories throughout that I found to be powerful and intriguing, and then there were a few others that weren't as relatable and just came off the wrong way whether it was writing style or how I felt as a reader--and that is okay, because it is expected with a collection of written material from numerous people. I found some to be heavy and just difficult to bear through, but overall it was an compelling read.There are essays that are intriguing and humorous, there are those that make you connect with the writer through experiences, and you gain insight into aspects of therapy that you may not know. It was a collection that will be sticking with me, and I do want to come back to it and read through it again at another time because it’s only of the few books that I would reread in the future. I think if you’re interested in psychology or psychotherapy, this is a great collection to pick up.

I received a copy in exchange for an unbiased review from the publisher. All opinions are my own.

[Susan Shapiro · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny fascinating essay anthology I'm honored to be part of

[Aimee · Rating 5 out of 5]

very enjoyable book regarding psychotherapy experiences from both the therapist and the client perspective in a wide array of situations. You will see extremely positive examples of psychotherapy to extremely negative and the impact of those situations on the author for that chapter (sometimes client and sometimes counselor). Good overall view of the psychotherapy process.