Be My Enemy

Jack Parlabane #4

by Christopher Brookmyre

It was a junket, a freebie. A 'team-building' weekend in the highlands for lawyers, advertising execs, businessmen, even the head of a charity. Oh, and a journalist, specially solicited for his renowned and voluble scepticism - Jack Parlabane. Amid the flying paintballs and flowing Shiraz even the most cynical admit the organisers have pulled some surprises - stalkers in the forest, power cuts in the night, mass mobile phone thefts, disappearing staff, disappearing guests: there's nothing can bring out people's hidden strengths or break down inter-personal barriers quite like not having a clue what's going on and being scared out of your wits. However, when the only vehicular access for thirty miles is cut off it seems that events are being orchestrated not just for pleasure... And that's before they find the first body. Thereafter, 'finding out who your colleagues really are' is not so much an end product as the key to reaching Monday morning alive.

Genres: Crime, Fiction, Mystery, Humor, Thriller, Scotland, Audiobook

390 pages, Paperback

First published February 5, 2004

About the author

Christopher Brookmyre is a Scottish novelist whose novels mix politics, social comment and action with a strong narrative. He has been referred to as a Tartan Noir author. His debut novel was Quite Ugly One Morning, and subsequent works have included One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night, which he said "was just the sort of book he needed to write before he turned 30", and All Fun and Games until Somebody Loses an Eye (2005). Brookmyre also writes historical fiction with Marisa Haetzman, under the pseudonym "Ambrose Parry."

Reviews

[Algernon · Rating 4 out of 5]

‘What is about to be engaged with here is essentially a paradigmatic prospective assemblage intended to render a dynamic orchestration of employee energistics across multiple vertices. Through a system of non-apparent motive vehicles, we will seek to initiate from within the disintegrated participatory constituents an innovated focus-drive generating a core-gravity that will channel exertory critical impulsives complementary and bi-reflexive vortals ...’

Jack Parlabane is an investigative journalist of the old school, always suspecting the worst on the part of politicians, clergy or corporate puppets and usually proven right. He made it his life work to expose their shenanigans, which often put him in the cross-hairs of his enraged targets. After being framed with murder, jailed and stabbed in the belly for his investigations, Jack tries to take it easy in the office when he receives an unsolicited invitation to the grand opening of a new business: a luxury weekend at an isolated Scottish Castle for a team-building exercise from a company named Ultimate Motivational Leisure [ ‘The ultimate test of what you’re made of, the ultimate journey of self-discovery, the ultimate vision of what you could become.’ Plus canapes and a turning-down service. Tick box for vegetarian dining option.’]
Jack Parlabane has all the rights to be suspicious of this invitation. After all, given his past articles, the marketing team behind the weekend junket cannot expect him to write a congratulatory note on the proceedings.

‘Aren’t you even curious as to why I’d even be thinking of offering something like this to you?’ Maria asked.
‘You mean to me in my capacity as an investigative journalist with better things to do than write advertorial guff for your Travel pages, or to me in my capacity as a cantankerous cynic who thinks any company bearing the word Ultimate in their name should be summarily asset-stripped and its named directors forced into alternative careers as performers in coprophile fetish hardcore videos?’

Still, his investigative mind is engaged and Jack Parlabane heads off into the high moors with his au-pair invitee, Tim Vale, a retired Cold War spy. At the very least, there should be plenty of booze, right?

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I’ve read all the previous Parlabane novels, plus a few of Brookmyre’s stand-alone novels, so I was really looking forward to this. I had some slight reservations about Jack Parlabane being carried away by his hatred of Margaret Thatcher and of her sycophantic followers, manifested in frequent rants against the System in previous books, but in this fourth episode the author has chosen to go back to his humorous roots and to his crazy, bloody, anarchy-filled plots. The story I was most reminded of here is my very first book by Brookmyre [ “A Fine Day in the Middle of the Night”] where you have a similar situation of a group of near strangers isolated on an oil rig that is assaulted by terrorists.
At the Highlands Castle, the organizers of the weekend junket promise a memorable experience of war games and scary situations that will forge new bonds between participants, but things very quickly take a turn for the worst in a sort of bampot Battle Royale where survival until Monday is very much in doubt.
A bampot is a sort of mentally handicapped bully of the Scottish flavour, and Jack Parlabane has quite a long history with them, so its difficult to decide which of his former investigative targets is now trying his best to kill him. I’m not going to reveal the identity of the adversary in my review, just promise you will have a horrified laugh at the sort of survival mayhem Parlabane and his friends soon find themselves engaged in. Among the Team Defence members, Emily the temp cook assistant was my favourite, reminding me of the blonde bimbo from “Under Siege”

I had so much fun with this action / black comedy caper that deserves a movie adaptation by Edgar Wright, I almost passed over the more serious debate about our thirst for violence and about the licence to kill that most governments take for granted. Tim Vale, who as a former spy has a long experience with extra-judicial murders, has something to say about this, a reminder that the Jack Parlabane books are not only about the laughter and the gratuitous violence.

‘We’ve all got that nasty little streak inside us, that secret desire to just silence the person saying what we don’t want to hear. And that nasty streak embraces force because when force is on your side, reason, logic and morality don’t have to be. You’re talking about fighting fire with fire. Well, who here hasn’t fantasised about putting a bullet in the head of some scumbag the world could do without: Bin Laden, Le Pen, Nick Griffin?’
[...]
‘You tell yourself the world would be a better place without them, but would it? Sure, the world wouldn’t miss another bloodthirsty extremist or racist hate monger, but the moment they were gone, the world would then be a place where we kill people because we don’t like what they’re thinking.’

Are we there yet? The number of journalists and environmental activists who get disappeared each year would argue in favour.

>>><<<>>><<<

One of the best episodes in the series, that can be read as a stand-alone.
I also recommend a more recent novel by the same author, set in the film world [“The Cut”]

[Shihab Azhar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having read 10 books by Brookmyre in a row (the first time I read as many books by a single author in an uninterrupted row), I'm a bit drained of emotions and words right now - not because they were a chore, but because of equal parts regret and sadness that this wonderful journey is now over - akin to returning to the dudgeon of routine and home after a wonderful vacation. So apologies, first of all, that this review isn't one of my best or most eloquent.

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Second, this was my first reread of the book - but am rereading it after almost 8 years, I believe. And I have to admit, the sheer amount of plot that survived in my fleeting memory for the last 8 years is testament to how great it is. I read Boiling a Frog at the same time as well, but very little of it sticks with me - whereas this one was a fantastic reread where I could remember some plot elements, but was still amazed by the execution.

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This was the last in a series of reads and rereads of the entire Christopher Brookmyre catalogue that I could get hold of. And it ends on a high - but The Sacred Art of Stealing is still my favorite (perhaps because it was the first Brookmyre I ever read, but nonetheless...it is the only one that does not require knowledge of any of his previous books).

What you need to understand about Brookmyre is that he has three series and a few standalone books. In terms of sheer readability, I would rank the series as follows:
- Angelique de Xavia series - seriously, read The Sacred Art of Stealing!
- Jasmine - also known as the semi-serious Chris Brookmyre series
- Jack Parlabane - I don't mean to make him sound like the worst, but you better have a slight tolerance for Scottish politics to get through the series, particularly the second and third ones. The last - this one - is just a wonderful, superb romp that redeems the entire series.

Having read through all of these in about a span of just over three weeks, in the orders they were meant to be read, I can only say that Tim Vale, a recurring character through all of these series, deserves his own series. Vale is perhaps one of the most enigmatic characters that Brookmyre has churned out so far...but definitely worth delving into his background, but only if it doesn't turn too serious or dark - Brookmyre is at his best when he is sarcastic, caustic and endlessly funny.

[Pat · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoy Chris Brookmyre books because of the rampant cynicism and humour, amongst the murder and mayhem.

This one was a little different, off to a much slower start follows by a bit of confusion which required the deduction of ½ point. After all that it got real, I mean real, good. Journalist Jack Parlabane is invited to an 'Outward Bound' exercise in the remote Scottish Highlands along with a seemingly random other bunch of people. You soon wonder just how random the group really is. The fun activities are not so much fun after people realise their mobile phones are 'gone', there no vehicle left to use (for escape), no landline, no contact with the outside world and someone has died and all of a sudden its really not fun. At all. In fact its downright scary.

Now that I'm reviewing this I can see some similarities with In The Dark by Loreth Anne White. They're only superficial though, this book is quite different. And despite the drama and scariness, there are still moments of humour (if you like Scottish gallows humour, which I do) which is why I keep coming back to Brookmyre.

[Wendle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Be My Enemy = ((Motivational weekend + bampot politics) ^ chaos) x (Parlabane x Vale)

This is a perfect Brookmyre set up. Take a group of 'random' people—some annoying as hell, some only slightly so—add Jack Parlabane and Tim Vale. Have Parlabane's derogatory and hilarious commentary for half the book. Then throw in some bad guys and violence, slap Parlabane in an impromptu fun, dangerous and disgusting situation. Hey presto.

This book is purely for entertainment, and entertain it did. Humour, suspense and gore followed by more humour, suspense and gore. Parlabane and Vale make an awesome duo, and I wish there could have been more books with the two of them in together.

There are twists and turns all the way through. Often I found myself thinking 'It would be awesome/gross/typical Brookmyre if…' only for my 'if' to happen not long later. But in fairness, I also had quite a few 'typical Brookmyre's challenged, while still managing to be quite brilliant.

From Boiling a Frog onwards, each Parlabane book I read has made me a little sadder; there aren't many more to read.

[Alan · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I still laughed out loud once or twice (mostly at excessively crude Scottish barroom expressions and tawdry, adolescent humour), I think this book is unacceptably slow until you are literally three-quarters of the way through. It meanders through 80’s nostalgia and recaps old political issues and unrest, as expressed by characters brought together for a motivational weekend. This could be a great setting but it’s not worked well at all - certainly not a classic “murder at the country mansion” mystery. Then, all of a sudden, clarity emerges with respect to a mystery that should have been effectively built up previously. Except no mystery was built up previously and no real plot was developed! Poor form old chum. Quite a let down in terms of earlier Brookmyer novels l have enjoyed. He seems to have really run out of steam here. I may try one more to see if this book is just a one-off in terms of its poor quality.

[Mike O'Brien · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brookmyre is brilliant at using the crime genre to explore major themes. Here he looks at the human propensity to define ourselves by our enemies. He brings out all the complexities of the subject with his usual wit and an approach that is both down to earth, over the top, and surprisingly subtle - and sometimes all at the same time!

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Any book that includes: a. a baddie who decapitates himself, and b. this paragraph commenting on the event, gets four stars in my book.
“Well, are you not going to give the man a round of applause?" he asked. "I mean, that was fucking amazing, didn't you think? Honestly, if you'd asked me ten minutes ago, hypothetically, if it was possible to cut your own head off, I'd have said unequivocally no. You've really got to hand it to the bloke -- though it's fair to say luck was involved. I mean, there's no way he could do it again.”
― Christopher Brookmyre, Be My Enemy, Or, Fuck This for a Game of Soldiers

It's the story of an Outward Bound style team building exercise for a motley group of PR people in a cursed castle in the Scottish Highlands gone horribly wrong. (It was planned by a homicidal ex-Special Forces fellow who envisions it as field training for his new group of assassins for hire, for starters.)

Like all the best Brookmyre, it is elaborately plotted, full of hilarious moments, pretty angry and not for the squeamish. The self- decapitated villain and the high speed treadmill reversal which skewers another on a pair of antique rapiers, for example. Or the cannibalism. Just sayin'.

[Jamie Collins · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Brookmyre is a brilliant writer, and this is a bizarre and hilarious book. Not much happens in the first half, while the second half somewhat resembles a zombie attack survival scenario.

People are frequently trying to kill the thrill-seeking reporter Jack Parlabane, only this time he's puzzled as to why they're also trying to kill everyone else in a group of seemingly unconnected people participating in a motivational team-building weekend retreat in the Scottish Highlands.

While the individual twists and turns in the book are fascinating, and the action scenes are a lot of fun, the actual plot is pretty far-fetched. It serves as an awkward way to place the characters in the contrived scenario Brookmyre wanted. It's easy to shrug this off and enjoy the book, though.

This is the fourth Parlabane novel, although I think each of them stands alone pretty well, so they don't necessarily have to be read in order.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Number 4 in the Jack Parlabane series and silly me thought this would be an excellent audio book to have burbling away in the background whilst I got on with some work around the house. Kept having to stop and listen hard, or lean against a wall because I was laughing so much.

Then there was the meal they served just after the cook left in a huff, and I'm standing in the kitchen thinking about dinner (we had salad). It took me a while.

This is such a funny, clever, ranty series, filled with human and political observation that just seems to stay apt no matter how many times government's change. And the stuff that Jack Parlabane gets up to is enough to make your eyes water.

I've read all these books in the past, but the listening is going really really well. Angus King is an excellent choice of narrator even if it means I'm increasingly of the view that I'm just going to have to listen and bugger the work around the house.

[Nicholas Cairns · Rating 4 out of 5]

And Then There Were None with a lot more gore and some anti-Thatcher sentiment. What’s not to like?

[Andrew · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had to carefully consider whether or not this was worthy of three stars, (which in my eyes means 'an okay book but nothing spectacular') or whether it should be downgraded to 2 stars ('edging towards complete crap but with one or two redeeming features'). In the end I opted for the latter.

I expected great things from this book and it failed to deliver in every aspect. Firstly the quality of writing is poor, leading me to be frequently confused over who was speaking or performing an action and contains sentences which not only contributed nought but made no sense. Did Brookmyre even read this before it was sent to the publisher? This is the most contributory factor to the two star rating, as it puts me off a book from the get go. It really did come across as being written by the winner of a creative writing competition; with one entry. The use of the first person, then third person, the lazy vocabulary (which I got the impression was actually intended to enhance the reading experience) and the terribly written Anglo-Scottish dialect, with gaunnae, wasnae etc, (strange that this was written by a Scotsman) all led me on the path towards this conclusion.

Secondly, the storyline was pretty lame; a safari to hunt and kill some lefties, run by some nutter and foiled by a journalist. Great. That's about as compelling as a story of a panda, sent on a rocket to the moon to find bananas for the chimp colony on Mars. There's an idea of another novel for Mr. Brookmyre. I expected a gorefest and instead was given something which was considerably less gory than a visit to my local butcher to purchase a hough of ham. In terms of predicting the outcome of the story, it is slightly easier to predict than the answer to the question: A bear shits in the woods. Is this statement a) true b) false. The only surprising element was how bad it was.

Finally, the characterizations are crass, one sided versions of real people, making it read like panto. There's posh twat Rory, dry as an old digestive Parlabane, absent minded Lachlan, hard ticket Ger, socially inept Grieg....need I carry on? The fact that the characters can be entirely described in two or three words says it all really. The worst one is Shiach; the most one sided villain (I'd call these people two dimensional, but I'd be extending my generosity beyond its limits)since Captain Hook.

I gave it two stars, rather than one ('a work entirely composed of crap') due to the three or four genuine laugh out loud moments. Trying to find this was a bit like Helen Flanagan trying to get stars for her team mates on 'I'm a celebrity' - she had to go through some amount of muck and only came out with one star. When a funny line was located, it was more often than not quiet chuckle funny, rather than the oft claimed and seldom fulfilled laugh out loud funny, which I expected. I think there were so few laugh out loud lines that a camel could count them on the toes of one leg.

Overall, this a poorly written, poorly conceived, lame-ass story, with child like characterizations. If it wasn't for the funny line every hundred pages or so, it would be just below 'Noddy Goes to School' on my reading list.

[Nicola Hawkes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that never fails to make me giggle with appreciation of its black (and yes sometimes sick) humour. Sure there are little in-jokes, for example if you've not seen the film Highlander from many moons ago you might not appreciate one throw-away line, but it made me laugh out loud. The snooker table scene is easy to imagine and the after comments by Jack hysterical.
Brookmyre is easy to read and not afraid to comment.

Why haven't more been made into TV/films? Surely this would be a winner?!

[Kataklicik · Rating 3 out of 5]

If I weren't the kind to finish a book once I started it, I'd have totally missed the plot. Because nothing happens in this book until about halfway through. Then it gathers steam thru spurts of brilliance. Then it goes on rat-a-tat fast, and then... hmmmm. I dunno. Quite Ugly One Morning was a real treasure - this one, nahhh. Didn't quite live up to it.

[Niall Cooling · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was quite different to the previous three. It took almost half the book until the story really took off. At one point I was questioning whether to carry on, but I’m so pleased I stuck with it. As usual the story is a rollercoaster with so many twists and turns, spattered through with Brookmyre’s whit and humour.

[Trish · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I read this, it definitely went in directions I didn't expect. One for people who like their black humour straight from the coal cellar.

[Helen Cairns · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Chris Brookmyer's dark sense of humour, and this book does not disappoint. Not for the faint-hearted, but if you don't mind a bit of cannibalism and some ingenious use of body parts, you will love this.

[Dipanjan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is how I see the Jack Parlabane books – “I see you on the shelf. I can’t touch you right now. I have to work. I have to spend time with some ladies. If I touch you, I will lose my job and the lovely ladies to hang out with. Because you will suck me in, and you will suck me in enough to forget that everything else is shelved.” Thus, I make sure that I read ONLY ONE Jack Parlabane novel a year when it is safe to head into the abyss. God – What A Series! Also, the Jack Parlabane series has had the most unique names I have ever experienced. From the first “Quite Ugly One Morning”, the Jack Parlabane series has always had the most hilarious and apt names. This 4th installment, “Be My Enemy” was originally titled “Fuck This For A Game Of Soldiers”. The name was changed as the original title would have prevented the book being stocked by family book stores, genteel retailers. But, you will see that, the original title is perfect for this book that involves a company that stages paint-gun battles to building corporate bonding as well as Mr. Brookmyre’s signature slangy, angry and stinging sarcastic narrative.

“Be My Enemy” is the 4th adventure of Jack Parlabane, whose journalist methods and attitudes put him on the hit list of many. Having survived homicidal attempts from “Boiling A Frog” caper, Parlabane reluctantly accepts a soft feature piece on Ultimate Motivational Leisure, Scotland’s brand leader in the field of corporate off-site training. And let me stop right here telling you anything more about the story for I fear it may spoil the fun. However, you will start this book and till about halfway into it, you will wonder who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. And then within the blink of an eye EVERYTHING around you explodes and you are left speechless.
Along with Jack Parlabane you will be meeting his friend Tim Vale. For the first time you will see Jack being a good boy and playing “team” with Vale. This was an amazing deviation from the earlier adventures where we see Jack taking on the world all by himself. However, I do urge, that you read the book with complete concentration. “Be My Enemy” debates the principles to justify covert wet-job outfits while exploring the shadow of Al-Qaeda and reflects on the significance of the intelligence services in countering terrorism. The plot is full of cruel humor and satirical plotting that no reader will forget sometime soon.

“Be My Enemy”, like all its predecessors, will leave a heavy lingering taste of something rich and heady that may force you to sit down and savor the after taste for a while.

For thriller lovers, the Jack Parlabane series is an ABSOLUTE MUST. You simply cannot miss this one. EXPLOSIVE is probably the only word that can define Jack Parlabane. The series is just MAGIC. As someone has said already “If you haven’t read the Jack Parlbane series, you haven’t lived”.

[Tony While · Rating 1 out of 5]

After seeing that this book received an average score of above 4 stars on good reads I was expecting a real treat. This was my fifth Chris Brookmyre read and the previous stories were all of a good standard. Unfortunately, this book was hard work. I had to start it three times and even then it was like wading through treacle. The story does eventually improve but only half way through. I know it is fiction but the story holds very little reality and contains some unbelievable elements that do not make any sense. Hopefully this will be the worst book I read this year and I think I will give Chris Brookmyre a miss for a while until I pluck up the courage to try another one.

[Kevin McMahon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent addition to the series. A bit of a gore festival but very enjoyable.

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good, but for me not great book from Christopher Brookmyre - this is really a compliment even though it may not come across as such - there are other books by CB that I have enjoyed more.

On the negative side, I found the book slow to get going and as I have sometimes found before, the political elements were a bit preachy for my liking. I also occasionally found it difficult to work out who was who, I think because of a combination of factors - the number of characters; the fact that some had more than one name and were sometimes called by their first names and at other times their surnames, so a single character could have 4 names; and the way in which sometimes Brookmyre takes a while when he starts a new element of the story to identify the person involved.

On the positive side, there was plenty of Brookmyre's usual black humour and gore with the book turning into a fast-paced read by the final third.

As usual, my final judgement comes down to whether I want to read more by the same author and whether I would recommend this book to others - my answer is a bit mixed - I definitely want to read more, but would be cautious in recommending this particular book to others. My rating reflects a rounding up, but a lower rating would have felt churlish.

[Lilias Bennie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I prefer his alternative title for this book .. F**k this for a game of soldiers! Kinda sums it up. Anyway, Jack is back and on good form. After a few books where CB indulges in some political rants, in this one he just concentrates on giving us a good story. Unbelievable but then it wouldn't be a Brookmyre would it? Set in the middle of nowhere somewhere in Scotland, Jack is despatched by his newspaper to go and trial out a new teambuilding weekend. So off he goes in his usual cynical way. Not surprisingly things don't turn out as expected and basically all hell breaks out. One question I have to ask though ***spoiler alert coming **** just what does CB have against HR Managers?!? Do we really have to be killed off first with our headless corpse thrown through a window??? Anyway no more, you will just have to read the rest to find out what Jack gets up to and what he uses when he cannot find a rope. Wonderful nonsense.

[Russell Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was the first Jack Parlabane book I have read having been given a shot of this one from my brother. I shall definitely be re-visiting the series. I would have benefited from reading these in order as a lot of Jack's character is assumed to be known by the reader. This doesn't spoil the tale though.
The 'Why' question kept popping into my head as I read and read. The bad guys motivation taking an awful long time to come to the fore. In the end I just enjoyed the reading, as it was such good fun. Even once the motive did became clear I wasn't completely convinced by it, but, what the heck, it was some ride!

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

After the events of Boiling a frog Jack Parlabane appears to be avoiding confrontation and is invited to do a scoop on a team building weekend in a remote Scottish country hotel and it expected that he will cast his caustic and critical eye on the ideas of business management. What could go wrong ?
Well don't expect a quiet read as a series of villainous right wing individuals create mayhem and the body increases in dramatically bloody and comic ways. Not for the faint hearted but incredibly black comedy , definitely a favourite series.

[Alex Breck · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've long been a fan of Chris Brookmyre and have read most of his books, this one for the second time.
Few other writers have the satirical bite of Brookmyre, that caustic wit that appeals to my own sense of humour and I particularly cherish the Parlabane series.
For readers new to this author, buckle up for a bumpy ride involving lots of gloriously ripe language, riotous action, slapstick humour and more than a little cynicism.

[R Davies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Terrifically entertaining. I take issue a touch with the writing style occasionally. Exaggerated descriptions for comic effect are funny, but can lead to long winded sentences and garrulous clauses that can be a mouthful to read but nevertheless it's a fun read. A slow burn here to begin with but with a sparkling finish, complete with typically macabre set pieces. Imagine the TV adaptation!

[Thomas Stroemquist · Rating 5 out of 5]

My favorite Chris Brookmyre. Probably has something to do with it being the first one I read, ut there you have it. I was not prepared, and you won't be either if you haven't read one! Hard boiled, slightly absurd and with tons of very dark humor. Quote: You used what?

[Emz · Rating 4 out of 5]

The lefties and the righties are at war, and taking no prisoners and Jack is caught in the middle. He has to keep a level head while those around him are losing theirs. Will he be able to survive the fires from hell?

[Laura Tassoni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Completely bonkers, but good fun! Not as polemical as I've come to hope for from Brookmyre, but still some interesting points among the murder and mayhem.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The rants the rants, but then I giggle like a loon and all is forgiven.
Lots of disturbing headless bodies.

[Lauren White · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely whacky, no disappointment here, I loved it as normal.