Unspeakable Losses: Healing From Miscarriage, Abortion, And Other Pregnancy Loss

by Kim Kluger-Bell

This comforting and healing book is a must--not only for women who have at one time experienced pregnancy loss but also for their parents, sisters, daughters, brothers, and friends. Kim Kluger-Bell's extensive fieldwork as a therapist specializing in the psychodynamics of reproductive crises strips away the shrouds of silence surrounding pregnancy losses and abortions, giving new voice to these "unspeakable losses." Filled with in-depth stories of those who have experienced losses and solid, practical advice with mourning rituals and services, Unspeakable Losses is a necessary companion to all those who have experienced pregnancy loss and those who care about them. This soothing book is a must--not simply for women who have experienced pregnancy loss, but also for their partners and those who care about them. Kim Kluger-Bell, a therapist specializing in the psychodynamics of losing a child before birth--whether to abortion, miscarriage, or other loss--strips away the shrouds of silence surrounding this unique pain. She gives new voice to these "unspeakable losses," in a culture that has rendered its discussion taboo. Combining in-depth stories with solid, practical advice, Unspeakable Losses articulates the myriad emotional stages that arise from pregnancy loss and validates what can otherwise be a terribly lonely experience. This book is a vital companion for women and men in comprehending--and recovering from--their own experience with reproductive crisis.This soothing book is a must--not simply for women who have experienced pregnancy loss, but also for their partners and those who care about them. Kim Kluger-Bell, a therapist specializing in the psychodynamics of losing a child before birth--whether to abortion, miscarriage, or other loss--strips away the shrouds of silence surrounding this unique pain. She gives new voice to these "unspeakable losses," in a culture that has rendered its discussion taboo. Combining in-depth stories with solid, practical advice, Unspeakable Losses articulates the myriad emotional stages that arise from pregnancy loss and validates what can otherwise be a terribly lonely experience. This book is a vital companion for women and men in comprehending--and recovering from--their own experience with reproductive crisis.

Genres: Nonfiction, Death, Health

180 pages, Paperback

First published December 31, 1997

Reviews

[Jai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Initially I started this book with certain expectations after reading several reviews on the website. But after going through the rest of the book I realize it's an invaluable resource for anyone who's experienced abortion,miscarriage or stillbirth. It also uncovered several of my own biases that I had about abortion and how I felt about people who grieved after the procedure.

It uncovered that even though now I've accepted those pregnancy terminations as necessary for me on a personal level that certain people still don't handle it how I did. It also made me remember that I once was in therapy after my abortion to heal and get answers. This book was a learning experience for me also being someone who is working towards becoming a full spectrum doula who will work with clients who are dealing with reproductive losses.

One particular quote in particular stuck out as true about grief as a whole and on a human level:
It has been said that mourning is like having a pool of grief you need to drink dry. You don't know how long it will take to get to the bottom;you just need to keep coming back to visit and drink a little bit more each time you do. One of the surest signs that the pool is diminishing is the ability to speak out loud about your loss.

[Pauline · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Working through a significant loss involves accepting the reality of the death and making peace with it. It does not mean no longer feeling sad about the death or never wishing for the person to return or longing for things to be different. It just means no longer protecting oneself from the devastating knowledge of that person's eternal absence."

"It is impossible to gauge the depth of the grief by either the size of the coffin or the circumstances of the loss"

"When other people are reluctant to listen to us when there are no ceremonies to publicly acknowledge the impact of our experiences when we do not hear other people talking about similar experiences, we received the cover message that others would rather not hear what we have to say and this makes it difficult to even identify our reactions to our losses"

"But when we face great losses, great life altering events we need to talk. We need to talk in order to recognize and understand what we are experiencing. We need to talk to come to terms consciously with the traumas of our lives rather than unconsciously reacting in response to them. We need to talk so that we can learn to live with our inevitable losses in our finite nature of our lives."

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This short book appears to be written more so for professionals until the end when Kluger-Bell wraps up her thoughts and recommendations for processing grief (where it appeared 100x more helpful than the previous pages) But it's so short you may as well read it all. She gives voice to many who struggle to heal due to their grief not being 'socially acceptable'

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nuanced, thoughtful, gentle, and so far the best book on pregnancy loss I have read. Her focus on what the pregnancy represents psychodynamically, inclusion of non birthing partners, and the loss of hope and what might be for patient's experiencing infertility [who don't actually have a pregnancy loss] was really thought provoking and touched my heart strings.

[Phillias · Rating 5 out of 5]

compilation of stories of miscarriage and loss

[Jeanette · Rating 5 out of 5]

I HIGHLY recommend this book for anyone who has lost a child during pregnancy - be it by choice or not. It’s a wonderful resource for those of us who’ve experienced loss.

[A F]

Read for work

[Izlinda · Rating 3 out of 5]

To be fair to this book, it was first published in 1998, twelve years ago. (Wow...twelve years... Where did the first decade of 2000 go...) The statistics are bound to be different now, though the politicization of abortion, mentioned in Kluger-Bell's book, hasn't changed. I think it's only intensified. I don't know if there is now more psychological support for parents who have stillborns. I didn't know that they could tell ahead of time if a baby died and a mother would essentially have to give birth to an already known dead baby. How incredibly sorrowful and what a horrifying experience to go through.

The book had chapters about abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, how males are affected by pregnancy loss... But it was really heavy on childhood/past experiences affecting their current behavior and I don't think the book would help someone who was going through pregnancy loss. It seemed more like a book for someone looking for information, but was removed from the situation of pregnancy loss. Like a report or a paper or something.

I did appreciate that Kluger-Bell was willing to admit how she went wrong in some of her therapy sessions, and that her political opinions may have influenced her, or other opinions. (She saw a woman's choice of getting an abortion as an empowering situation and left it at that, until the woman's repeated sessions kept going over the abortion and Kluger-Bell realized the patient needed to talk about it.)

It was an okay book, but I'm sure, by now, twelve years past this book, there are other books that are more helpful if one is going through a loss, or is close to someone who is/was.

[Tristy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am truly shocked to read all the bad reviews of this book! This was BY FAR the best book I have read about the grief around pregnancy loss. It doesn't matter that it was was written 12 years ago, the psychological implications are the same, and sadly, our culture has not moved forwards very much as far as being sensitive to those who have lost a pregnancy. I can't tell you how many times I was told to not "dwell on the past" and to look forward to my next pregnancy. We need time to mourn and to grieve and that includes after chosen abortion or ectopic pregnancies (when the embryo was barely formed). Kluger-Bell writes in a very accessible way and she shares wonderful ideas and advice on various ways we can grieve and heal. I highly encourage anyone who has lost a pregnancy or loves someone who has to read this book!

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Obviously I hate hate HATE that I even read this book at all, but my mom sent me this book in the hopes that it would help me deal with my intense grief. I only found some parts of this book helpful. It was an easy and fast read but there was so much psychotherapy talk that I don't think this is a great book for someone actually going through a pregnancy loss themselves. So much of the case study focus was on people who had some repressed past trauma that they hadn't dealt with and that was why they could not deal with their pregnancy loss. What about those of us who had a normal and happy childhood and/or never had a prior abortion but suffered through infertility and then miscarriage? I don't know, the chapter about living with loss was helpful but overall this book was just ok.

[Tracy · Rating 3 out of 5]

So far I am not that happy with this book. The author spends a lot of time with psycho therapy babble and talking about underlying feelings. I was hoping for more stories about women and families dealing with losses. But I'm about half way through it and there have been 5 profiles of people done. Seems like there could have been a lot more.

I feel like the book got a little better. The last few chapters were more useful then the beginning psycho therapy stuff.

[Amber · Rating 2 out of 5]

I just couldn't finish this book. It has some good points, but right now I really didn't want to read about women who chose to have an abortion and now feel bad about it. The information on loss was good, maybe I would have liked it more if I had kept reading. Maybe I'll come back to this when my emotions aren't so close to the surface.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was my favorite one out of the many that I read on the subject. That's why I gave it 5 stars. She's got an educated point of view as well as the testimonies - sometimes this is out of balance. But it helped me get to sleep at night and that's the main thing.

[Rachel C · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't find this book particularly helpful or informative. Filled with psychotherapy babble between the author and five of her individual case studies, this book is written more for the benefit of therapists rather than those who have actually experienced miscarriage and pregnancy loss.

[Marty · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book. Made me cry.

I did think it went a bit too in depth on some of the psychological analysis, which is why I'm giving it only three stars. I felt like instead of I learned everything there is to know about "Rebecca's" childhood.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really informative & compassionate book. I found the case studies helpful. It would be great if the author wrote an updated edition as a lot has changed in reproductive technologies & psychological effects.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Descent book but I dislike anecdotes that are meant to represent a larger group; the are too specific to that scenario.

I liked learning about the Jizo ceremony and the thoughts on loss via abortion.

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

More of a therapeutic exercise for the author than any actual promotion of healing for the reader.

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I actually only skimmed parts of this book but it seems like it would be very helpful.